Original subtitles

College is so tough.

Hey, beauty school Is no picnic, Either.

Enough homework to last me Till I'm 80.

Ooh, join the crowd.

[sighs]

Biology.

Bangs.

Say hey, Lovely ladies.

Hello, cutie.

Oh, look.

She's sitting at The head of the table.

Hee hee hee hee hee.

[snorts]

Steve, is this Another new look You're trying out?

Yes, indeedy, sweetie,

And I think this Might be the one.

What do you think?

You know Those supercool, Trendy, hip guys?

Oh, yeah.

Heh heh. You're Not one of them.

Lemonade?

Both: no, thank you.

If you hear a weird sound In 5 minutes,

That's me trying To get out of these pants.

[gargling]

What?

You were looking At steve.

No, I wasn't.

Oh, yes, you were.

You were Checking him out.

It was An innocent glance...

Not a check.

Admit it. You have Feelings for steve urkel.

Well...

Maybe just a little bit.

Ooh! You are crazy!

You are dating Stefan urquelle.

He is gorgeous And smooth,

And steve is not.

I know,

But steve Has other qualities I find attractive--

He's kind,

Generous.

He's smart.

[rubber stretching And snapping back]

Steve: yeow!

I got my pants off!

And he makes me laugh.

Oh, dad.

Hey, you got A minute?

Is dinner ready? No.

Then I got a minute.

What's up?

Well, I'm shooting a video for My photojournalism class,

And I decided to do

A day in the life Of a police officer.

I call it...

"Windy city blue."

Oh.

So you want A behind-the-scenes Look--heh heh heh--

At one Of chicago's finest

In action.

Exactly.

You know anyone?

What about me?

Ah, well, dad, I mean, You're a captain,

Pushing papers Behind a desk.

I need a running, Jumping, shooting cop.

I'll have you know That 200 cops report To me every day.

Ah, well, that's great.

Then it shouldn't be hard To find me one, eh?

I'll see what I can do.

Aw, dad, you the man.

Heh heh heh heh.

And now...

Sandwich time With the e-man.

Hey, son.

Hi, dad.

Who's gonna star In my video?

[chuckles]

Sylvester stallone.

[coughs]

For real?

Mm-hmm.

When's he coming?

Soon as you cough up $20 million.

Dad.

Sorry, son. I couldn't spare anybody.

Man...

Now I'm gonna Have to use steve's idea.

"How I made more room In my closet without Throwing anything out."

Well, look, I'll tell you what.

How about I get a squad car,

And you go on patrol With me tonight?

You'd do that? Sure.

You're in a pinch, And I don't want to Leave you hanging.

Aw, thanks, dad.

Any time, son.

Oh, my favorite tie.

I'd been looking all over For this.

This could start A fashion trend.

He he he!

[snorting]

[doorbell rings]

Hey, steve.

Ah, stefan, my man.

Is laura around?

No. She and max Went down to the mall.

They're having a 2-for-1 Bikini-wax special.

Can I give her a message?

I'll catch up With her later. Thanks.

Steve, you got a minute?

Sure. Come on in.

I was just about To wipe my bellows.

Oh. Your accordion.

Cool.

Steve, don't you think Laura's been acting A little strange lately?

No. Why?

Well, she seems A little distant,

Distracted.

In what way?

Well, for one thing, When we kiss...

There's not as much passion As there used to be.

[excited] Really?

[concerned] Really?

Well, yeah. Do you have any idea What's wrong?

H-h-how would I know

What's going on With laura?

Come on, steve.

You've grown up With laura.

You've known her So much longer Than I have.

Oh, you're Gonna find out Sooner or later,

So I might as well Tell you.

There's someone else In laura's life.

Who?

Me.

[laughing]

That's a good one, steve. That's a good one. You.

I'm not joking. It's me.

And what brought you To this bizarre conclusion?

She kissed me.

Well, no doubt It was an innocent Little peck on the cheek.

No. It was a big, Sloppy wet one

Right here On the liparoonies.

No way.

Yes way. I wish there Was some way

I could prove it to you.

Yeah, well, Maybe there is.

Tonight, I'm gonna Pay laura a visit,

But I'm gonna do it As steve urkel.

Oh! Get out!

But what if you find out Laura prefers me to you?

Yeah, well, I'll Jump off that bridge When I get to it.

Darn. I've got an important Photo shoot tonight.

Hmm. Well, If you can be me,

Then I can be you.

Deal.

Tonight, we're Trading places.

Action!

Hi, son.

Cut, cut, cut, Cut, cut, cut.

What's wrong?

Dad, this is a gritty Slice-of-life video here.

"Hi, son"

Is so...

So brady bunch.

Roger that.

Alright.

Let's take it From the top.

You know,

You don't look Tough enough.

Well, I can hold a knife Between my teeth.

No.

Put these on.

Yes!

But I can't See anything.

Oh, but, dad, You look so cool.

Well, not crashing Is even cooler.

Alright.

Let's try another take.

And this time, try looking More like one of the guys From nypd blue.

No way am I Showing my butt!

Back to one.

Places!

Quiet on the set!

[imitating steve badly] If armani could see me now.

[normal] Oh, that was awful.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

[imitating steve] How ye be, laura lee?

Gouda is good, But cheddar is better.

[perfect imitation] Did I do that?

[normal] Got it.

All--alright.

Now for the glasses.

Alright.

Whoa.

Okay.

Alright.

Now for the walk.

Hey, steve.

[imitating steve] Hi, laura.

Tonight they're airing A panel discussion On pbs on liposuction.

It's called Chewing the fat.

Wanna take A look-see with me?

Oh, I have A biology test To study for,

But I sure could Use your help.

Oh. Okel-dokel.

Oh. I...

Ooh! Eh...

Did I do that?

Would you like A sody pop?

Okay. Be right back.

That's stefan.

Okay.

Everything's Almost set.

Sorry. Sorry I'm late,

But my hair dryer Broke.

Be stefan.

Was stefan In an accident?

[badly imitating stefan] Hey, vincenzo.

Slap me some skin, My italian bro.

Hey, stefan.

What's wrong With your voice?

Uh, uh...

I caught a chill. Yes, yes.

I was in the south pole

Doing an ad for speedos.

You walk Strangely, too.

Uh...

Oh. I...

I fell on a penguin.

Alright. Let's get started.

Guys, on the horses.

Hey.

Okay, um, okay, okay.

You want some--

Could I have Some help? Yes.

Alright. Unh.

Okay.

Whoo!

Okay.

My fault.

I thought the horse Was bigger.

Heh heh.

Obviously it's just A quarter horse.

Come on, Stefan.

Yeow!

Whoo.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

S-sorry. Didn't mean To touch you there.

You didn't hear me Complain, did you?

Oh, no, I did not Hear you complain--

Oh! Whoo!

Come on, fellas. Time is money.

Yes, yes. Money is time.

Yes, yes.

Alright.

Finally, We can shoot.

Alright, take Your positions.

Hit the fans!

Okay. Oh, you're Touching my thighs.

Ooh, okay. Beautiful!

Okay, hands off. That's it!

Ooh. You're A touchy-feely type.

Photographer: Gorgeous!

Whoo! Okay, okay.

Okay. Whoo! Whoo!

That tickles. Uh, that tickles.

Okay, okay. Uh, wait, wait.

Where's the horsie going? Where's the horsie going?

Whoa! Whoo! Wah-ooh!

Whoo!

Edward.

Edward.

Edward! What? What happened?

Something happen? Huh?

No, nothing happened.

But you should be alert In case anything does.

Don't you mean in case You give another old lady A jaywalking ticket?

Son, police work Is not just about

High-speed chases And shooting at Bad guys.

A policeman's presence In the neighborhood Helps to prevent crime.

Well, that may be, dad,

But it sure doesn't make A very exciting video.

Dispatcher: Armed robbery in progress At 71st and ashland.

Oh, cool. Armed robbery. Let's roll.

10-4. Unit 2152 Responding.

Dispatcher: unit 2120 Will back up. Out.

Out.

Gonna be so cool. Come on.

[pop]

Ooh. Ooh.

They shooting at us. They shooting.

They shooting. They shooting.

Relax, son, relax. It's just a blowout.

Oh, man.

This is unit 2152. I'm down. I got a flat.

Dispatcher: roger that. Opg is on the way.

I'm sorry, son.

So long, video.

This is all greek to me.

Hello there, Sweet thang.

W-w-w-wowser.

Going out?

Staying in.

You know...

I just realized Something.

That that dress Is illegal in 3 states?

Pfft. No.

That we're all alone In the house,

And we should make The most of it.

Oh, but what about Stefan?

Who? Come here.

Stefan. Your beau. Your boyfriend.

Uh, the love Of your life.

Oh, forget stefan.

It's you I want, steve.

And it's you I'm gonna get.

Hey, your butt's Playing our song.

Um, b-but wait, Laura.

Stefan's a great guy.

Are--are you sure You wanna cheat on him?

Hmm.

You act like You're sure.

How did that feel?

Great!

Well, then, You'll love this.

I don't believe it.

Ooh.

Why did you Do that for?

Ach. Cut the act, Stefan.

Stefan? No. I'm--I'm annoying And clumsy steve. Yes.

I'm busted.

What did you think You were doing?

I had to know If you had feelings For steve.

Well, why didn't you ask me Instead of being somebody That you're not?

Because I'm--I'm stupid.

Of all the underhanded,

Deceitful, Sneaky things to do.

I mean, what kind of person Would stoop so low?

Oh, laura, laura, Laura, laura, yes.

Woman of my dreams. Woman I love.

Shut up, steve.

I'm not steve. I'm stefan.

She knows.

Oh. I'll just Be going now.

Hold it right there.

I cannot believe That the both of you Tried to trick me.

Laura, I'm sorry, But I had to know if you Had feelings for steve.

Hey, I told him You were hot for me, But he didn't believe it.

Well, you know what?

I'm not feeling very good About either one of you Right now.

Laura, come on.

It's true. I do Have feelings For both of you,

And I was trying To work them out.

But now, after this, I'm more confused than ever.

Nice goin'.

It was your idea.

Yeah, well, you Went along with it.

Yeah, but if you hadn't Thought of it, I wouldn't Have gone along with it.

Yeah, well, you're not Too smooth yourself.

Probably got me Fired from my job.

You got me fired, Didn't you?

You still have your job. Just not getting paid. Bet they won't know me.

Dad!

Dad!

What's wrong?

Nothin'. Everything's cool.

I got an "A" on my video.

What? Congratulations.

Thanks, dad.

Hey, how did You pull that off?

Well, you know, after Our ride along bombed,

I thought I'd have to scrap The whole project.

But then I came up With a new idea.

Check it out.

Hi. I'm eddie winslow,

And I decided to do My video assignment On my father--

Captain carl winslow Of the chicago Police department.

Captain winslow?

I've learned everything About being a cop from him.

He even saved my life once.

But you'd never know that 'cause he'd never tell you.

That's the kind of guy he is.

Officer winslow Used to walk the beat

Where I had my flower shop.

Oh, he's one smart cop.

Because of his Quick thinking,

He stopped my shop From being robbed.

Well, and besides being A good police officer,

He is a true gentleman.

This is rex, a 7-year Veteran of the force.

That was just when He sat on my cactus.

This is rex. A seven year Veteran of the force.

Rex, carl was once Your partner, right?

[ruff]

Was he a good cop?

[ruff]

Carl winslow Is a cop's cop.

The men love him.

He's firm, but he's fair, And they respect that.

He's also one of The finest captains I have ever worked with

And an asset to the community.

I've known captain winslow For 21 years now,

And he's the best cop There is.

He's also An incredible father.

Whenever I'm in a jam, He's always been there for me.

In fact--heh heh-- When I was 12 years old,

I had a paper route,

And I got sick And caught the mumps.

Instead of dad letting me Lose all my customers,

He got up every morning At 5 a.M.

And delivered All my papers for me.

That's the type of dad He's always been

And always will be.

Well, son...

This is Very special, Very touching.

Ohh...

Thanks, dad.

You know, uh...

My professor always says That a good documentary Depicts the truth.

Well, your professor Is right.

Because the truth is...

I love you.

Aw, dad. I love you, too.

Girl, you are so fine.

I got a shoot in rio.

Come with me, and we'll Party in the sun.

Look, vincenzo...

How many times Do I have to tell you?

I'm already seeing someone.

And, uh, no offense, But...

He's got it goin' on A lot more than you.

Who has more than me?

Hi, beetle butt. Ready to go?

All set, chet.

Don't worry, vincenzo. You'll find someone.

Try the internet.

Here I am left alone With myself.

I could do much worse.