Original subtitles

Tonight's episode Of "Family matters"

Is a little scary

So you might want to watch it With somebody brave.

Don't worry, uncle steve.

Yeah, man. We're here for you.

Guys, can we turn on the lights?

[snoring]

I'm not sleepy. Not sleepy, not sleepy.

[snoring]

Uh! Uh! Uh!

I got to stay awake.

I've got to stay awake.

Here we go.

I'm not sleepy.

Not sleepy.

I'm not sleepy.

Steve.

Steve! Steve!

Huh?

Oh, hi, laura.

I have a message From dad.

Really? What is it?

Stop that!

It's three in the morning. What are you still doing up?

Laura, it's 3 hours Into halloween.

I'm not sleeping tonight,

I'm not sleeping Tomorrow night--

I might not even sleep Until thanksgiving.

Steve, are you still Afraid of that nightmare You had last year

About your Ventriloquist's dummy?

Oh, laura, stevil Was no ordinary dummy.

Why, he was a diabolic,

Satanic, evil force

Born in the heart Of darkness.

He also never gave me My phone messages.

Well, steve, Why are you still afraid?

I mean, didn't you Get rid of that silly dummy?

Yep. Soon as I woke up,

I chopped stevil up Into a million pieces,

Ground him up In a blender,

And then flushed His sawdust Down the toilet.

Steve, there are 3 reasons You shouldn't be afraid.

1--he's not real,

2--you flushed him Down the toilet,

And 3--he's not real!

Well, thanks for Your concern, laura,

But a man's got to do What a man's got to do.

Yeah, well, do it Without dribbling This basketball.

Goodnight.

I know What'll keep me up--

Some good old-fashioned tv.

Let's see what's on abc.

[snoring]

[thunder]

I'm ba-a-ack!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[snorting]

[eating noisily]

Hmm.

Oh, that's funny.

Oh.

The lights went out.

Waaah!

Surprise!

Oh! It's you!

It's you!

It is you!

It sure is, bone butt.

Thanks for flushing me Down the toilet, pal.

I spent the last year Hanging out in sewers,

Bobbing for rats.

What do you want?

Oh, not much.

Just your soul.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Wh-why don't you take The guy's next door?

He's a lawyer.

He's never used his.

Uh-uh. I won't settle For just any soul.

No! Oh!

No!

I want yours.

Aah!

Now hold still.

This is gonna hurt Like the dickens.

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Uh...

Uh...

Uh!

Uh! Uh!

Uh! Aah.

Aah!

Oh! Ooh!

I fell asleep...

And he came back!

There you go.

A delicious Caramel-covered squid For you.

A praline prune for you.

And for you, 3-bean taffy.

Ha ha!

What?

Not even A "Thank you"?

Wow!

Great costumes!

Okay, okay, okay.

Don't tell me. Let me guess. Let me guess.

You're don king,

And you're mrs. King.

Well, you got it Half right.

I'm going to my Fraternity party's Costume contest

As don king.

Ready, mr. King?

Eddie: I'm always ready!

Heh heh heh heh heh.

Oh! Now I get it.

It's kind of A theme thing.

Don king--boxers.

Boxers--don king.

Ladies, did I ever tell you How I made my first million?

Only in america.

Only in america.

Eddie: that's right.

I tell you, laura, Eddo looks more like Don king than don king.

So did you get Any sleep?

Oh, yes. I nodded off,

And stevil made A guest appearance.

It was 5 of the most Terrifying minutes Of my life,

Second only to watching Lord of the dance.

Don't worry, steve. It was just a dream.

Well, I'm not dreaming Anymore.

I got 8 cups of espresso, A 6-pack of jolt cola,

And a giant bowl Of froot loops With extra sugar.

You don't sleep, You don't have nightmares.

Hey!

It's the men in black.

Oh. And you're the alien.

After people Give us candy,

We're going to erase Their memories.

That way we can Go back for more.

Well, who are you?

Hee hee hee hee! [snorts]

Come on, guys, Let's hit the road.

Hey, big guy.

Hey, steve.

You look a little peaked.

Tough day In the concrete jungle?

Nah. Just had A little too much candy

At the precinct Halloween party.

I'm going to take A little nap Before dinner.

Wh-wh-wh-wh--

Carl. Carl. Nap?

As in sleep?

Well...

Yeah. What's wrong?

Jumping jehoshaphat, It's halloween!

You can't sleep.

Let me guess, steve.

Are you still not sleeping

Because of that stupid Stevil nightmare?

Well, that's right.

This time he's coming For my soul.

Ooh, that'd make me Scared, too.

Mm-hmm. It would?

[child's voice] If I were 5.

Steve, you're not A little kid anymore.

You are a reasonable Facsimile of a man.

So, uh, don't let A little nightmare Get the better of you.

Tough it up, man.

Yeah.

Tough.

Yeah! Be a man.

A manly man.

Yeah!

Now, what are you Scared of?

Nothing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You go on upstairs And catch your zs

While I hold down The fort here.

I'll sleep better Knowing that.

As well you should.

'cause I've got everything Under control.

Yep.

Everything.

Aah!

Okay, I'm cool.

I'm cool.

Evil ventriloquist's dummy.

[chuckling]

[yawns]

"New flavor."

New flavor is chalk.

Evil ventriloquist's dummy.

[chuckling]

It's so crazy.

[yawns]

Oh, boy. That steve.

Hmm.

Hey.

What's that?

"Carl winslow."

Hey, that's me.

Ha ha.

What is this?

Ha ha! Hey!

Hey, I wonder Who sent this.

Well...

Ha ha ha ha!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise who?

* mine eyes have seen The glory *

* of the coming Of the lord *

Ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Carl!

Wh-what are you doing?

Just having A little fun.

With a ventriloquist's Dummy?

That's like playing With a loaded gun.

Oh, steve, Will you stop.

This is just A hunk of wood.

This dummy Is not alive.

Whoo!

Not yet.

What--ohh!

Ohh!

Ohh! Oh, my god!

Who are you?

You can call me...

Carlsbad!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Wh-wh-why are you here?

We got plans, Flesh boy!

Yeah, big plans.

Plans? To rob and murder?

Nah. We're going Into show business.

[gasps] Even worse!

Hey, carlsbad, When you become human,

What are ya gonna do?

I'm gonna go to vegas.

[dance music plays]

Top that.

Watch me. You'll learn Somethin', baby!

Okay. Dance time is over!

Now hand over your souls So we can become human!

Carl! You're a cop. What do we do?

Well, um--um--um, Section 3 of the police Manual says, uh, uh,

Run for your life!

Not so fast.

Stop! Hey! They're getting away!

Oh, steve!

You were right!

Those evil Hunks of wood,

They're trying To take our souls!

Waah! Waah! Oh! Oh!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Aah! Push, big guy, push!

I'm trying!

We got to get in there.

Push!

Oh! [panting]

Oh, boy! Steve! Those puppets are strong!

Yeah, but I think We discouraged 'em.

Shush!

[whispering] I don't hear a peep.

I think they gave up.

Ooh! Waah!

Waaaah!

Ooh! Ooh!

Heeerree's carlsbad!

Oh! Hey! Oh! The dresser!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

They can't get Through this.

This thing here Is solid oak. Yeah.

Ow!

Oh! Ow! Ow!

Oh! Ow!

They're through! Oh, no! Ow! Ow!

Steve, help! Help!

Help!

Don't help them! Help me!

Peekaboo!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Steve: waaaah!

Steve?

Steve?

Steve?

Whoa, steve.

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

They've got steve!

Steve?

Oh.

Oh, steve.

Aah!

Steve?

[hinges creak]

Steve?

Steve?

Aah! Aah! Aah! Get--get--

Steve?

[crashing]

If they touch My dove bars...

[gasps]

Oh, my god. Steve!

Steve, what have They done to you?

[thunder]

Carl: what an awful, Terrible night!

When will this ever end?!

Rrrrooowwrr! Rrrrooowwr!

Very soon.

One soul down... One to go.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Aah! Ooh!

Ooh!

Don't I look pretty In a human soul?

Well, now that You have a soul,

Why don't you stop Being evil?!

Oh, I'm still evil.

Only now I feel guilty about it.

Can't wait to get my soul, And hit the road to vegas.

You evil monster.

Thank you. Thank you very much, Ladies and gentlemen.

Freeze while I suck out your soul.

You're never gonna Get my soul.

I'm gonna fight you To the death.

Oh, you want To be difficult?

You got it.

This is war.

Come on, steve.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

No! No!

Stop it! Get off of me! Get off!

Can't we Just get along?

Ow!

Oh! Stop that! Aah! Ow!

Aah! Get off!

Oh, stop! Get off of me! Get off! Get off!

Oh, no! Get off of me! Aah!

Come on, steve! We gotta get outta here!

Man, that was close.

We gotta get outta here In a hurry.

Come on, steve. We gotta get outta here.

What?

[stevil's voice] What's the rush?

No...No...

Aah!

No. No. Get away.

Not my soul. No! No!

No, no! Not my dove bars! No! Ah-hah!

Hee hee hee hee hee! [snorts]

You know, you're A great listener.

Oh, hey, big guy.

Want some Halloween candy?

Here's the last of The caramel-covered Squid.

No. No, no, steve.

Um, listen, I, um...

Steve, I--I just had The worst nightmare

Of my entire life.

Oh, was it the one Where you have to frisk Nell carter?

No. It was worse Than that one.

This time I had A dream about stevil.

And he had an evil sidekick That looked just like me.

And they wanted Both of our souls.

Man, it was so terrifying,

It--it made me realize I should never have made fun Of your nightmare.

Really?

I should have encouraged You to talk about Your nightmare, steve.

That way, it wouldn't Have seemed so scary.

Thanks, big guy.

I appreciate that.

Hey, big guy. Hmm?

Did I ever tell you About my nightmare

Where I was locked In a cheese factory, But I had no nose?

No, I don't think so.

And then myra showed up.

And she wanted To give me a kiss, But I had no lips.

Ooh.

Oh. And then I tried To run home,

But I had no feet.

I just kept falling Down and down and down.

I couldn't smell. I couldn't run.

And then my mother Shows up,

And she's wearing Velvet boxer shorts.

Nothing freudian there, Right?

Right--oh, oh!

B-but wait, big guy!

Then there's also The nightmare where I was A milk-fed veal chop.

Right. Yeah.

Engaged to An elderly lamb chop. Uh-huh.

It was an arranged match. Oh, really?

Emcee: and now...Stevil And carlsbad!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Thank you very much. You're very kind.

You know, it's not easy Being this short.

Why is that?

Because you're always The last to know

When it rains!

[audience groaning]

I was dating this female Puppet once.

Why'd you stop?

Because She cheated on me

With a g.I. Joe doll.

[audience groaning]

Hey, is this thing on?

What are you people? Manaquins?

No, but you are.

You want to repeat that In the parking lot

We'll rip your heart out.

Check.

They really hate you.

Me? What do ya mean, me?

You got all the funny lines, And you're blowin' 'em.

That's because Your setups stink.

Why, I oughta...

[audience cheers And applauds]