Original subtitles

Steve? Shh!

[whispers] Not while I'm paddling.

Well, do you Have to do that?

Yep. I'm gunning For a new record.

3,020.

3,030.

Oh, wait! No, no, no, no.

Aah! Aah!

Now, no more Paddleball.

Fine. No more Paddleball.

Thank you. Because I have to study.

[whispering] I was so close.

[sighs]

[plays the blues]

Steve?

Steve!

[plays louder]

Steve!

I'm trying to study.

Now get out of here Before I bust you Upside your head.

Well, sure. As long as you ask So nicely.

Jeez.

And I was going To tell you something Really neat, too.

But not anymore. Get the--

You are The most irritating person I ever met in my entire life.

Jeez.

Hello there, My gorgeous gob Of grits.

Make that the second Most irritating.

Ha ha ha. H--hi, myrtle.

Did you miss me,

You buff bucket Of blackberries?

Like head lice.

Get out.

Ooh! My, you're Getting stronger.

Evidently, Not strong enough.

Look, myrtle,

Just because you're Steve's cousin

Does not mean that You can come over here Without calling.

Edward, I have come All the way

From the great state Of mississippi

To personally invite you To the event of the year.

The biloxi Debutante ball.

Gee, I'm so sorry I can't go.

But you don't know What it is.

Doesn't matter.

Oh, but, edward,

This is the most Important day Of my life.

It's my introduction To biloxi society.

Biloxi society?

What do they do, Put your picture On the side of a bus?

Jest all you want,

But if I don't Show up with A good looking man,

That sara sue Pettyjohn

Will make me The laughing stock Of biloxi.

Hasn't your shoe size Already done that?

That sara sue is A snooty little trollop

Who's always been Jealous of my beauty.

Now, I will fly you in, Buy you a tux,

And give you a wad Of spending money.

Nope.

If you say yes, Maybe I'll say ferrari.

You can say lear jet For all I care.

Ain't no way I'm Taking you anywhere.

Oh, but, edward!

You simply have to do it.

Big daddy and I Had an altercation.

He doesn't think you're Cultured enough for me.

Say what?

Yes.

Big daddy's trying To pair me up

With some spineless, Smooth-talking pretty boy.

But I like my mens Rough and bumpy.

Hi, guys.

Hey, max. Oh, hi, max.

Well, you're all Gussied up.

Where are You and laura Off to tonight?

The sizzle club.

Word is toni braxton's In town

And might drop by Tonight.

Oh! Oh!

Toni braxton, he's the bomb.

He's also a she.

Hey, girl.

Whoa, mama!

Rama-lama-ding-dong.

Hey, girl, You are looking hot.

Hot? Why, She could break up Siegfried and roy.

That dress is kicking.

That dress is history.

What?

Laura, sweetheart, I can't allow you

To go out in public Dressed like that.

Allow me?

Daddy, I'm 20 years old.

I should be able To dress anywya I want to.

Well, I'm 41 And I say you can't.

Daddy, do you really Think that's--

Laura, if you want to go To the sizzle club,

You're going to have To go upstairs And change right now.

Alright.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yes, much better.

Steve! Shutting up.

Is this better, daddy?

Yes, sweetheart. You look beautiful.

Yeah, I'll be a big hit If it's nun night At the sizzle club.

That's cute.

Well, have fun.

Yeah, gobs of fun.

Well, look at it This way, laura--

At least no other Girl will be Wearing that dress.

Yeah, I won't, either.

I thought you Gave in too easy.

Girl!

Check you tomorrow, man. Be cool, man.

Alright, see you. Peace.

Yoo-hoo, edward, Dumpling.

Myrtle, how did You find me here?

I have a nose Like a bloodhound.

Not to mention Other body parts.

Don't you run From me, boy.

Get off me, myrtle. Stop it! Stop!

Now, I am here, Rutabaga rump,

To ask you one more time

To escort me to the biloxi Debutante ball.

Now, this is Your last chance,

For I absolutely Refuse to beg.

No!

Oh, please, edward, Take me to the ball!

Please, please, please!

Or I'll have to go With that pretty boy

Big daddy Picked out for me.

Look, myrtle, For the last time,

Will you Leave me alone and Stop bothering me?

Oh, but, edward, I need you!

Aah! Edward, look out!

Aah!

Aah!

Oh, my god! What is that?

How's she doing?

She's still Unconscious.

Oh, I'm Really sorry.

I tried to stop The car, but--

Oh, no, man, It wasn't your fault.

Really.

Thanks.

Oh, my god!

Look what I did To her face!

Oh, no, no, No, no, no.

No, it was already Like that.

If I can Do anything,

Please, Give me a call.

Yeah, thank you.

Hello, I'm dr. Rubin.

Hi. Eddie winslow.

Uh, listen, doc, Is she going to be Alright?

Well, the next 24 hours

Are going To be very critical For your girlfriend.

Oh, wait, hold up now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

She ain't my girlfriend.

Well, I'm going to send A plastic surgeon up

To look at her face.

But she didn't Get hit in the face.

I know.

I'm very concerned, Eddie.

If myrtle Doesn't regain Consciousness soon,

There's A strong possibility That she never will.

Oh, this is terrible.

Myrtle, this is All my fault.

Lord, this girl risked Her life to save mine,

And all I've done Is treat her badly.

Please let her wake up.

If you do, I promise I'll never say Mean things to her again

Or try to push her Out of my life.

I'll even--I'll even--

I'll even escort her To the debutante ball.

Hallelujah, I'm healed!

[screams]

Stop it! Get off me!

Extra! Extra!

Reporter: tonight, Extra's taking you To the windy city.

Oh, good.

We're taking our cameras

To chicago's Hottest nightclub--

The sizzle club, Where we caught up

With a hot toni braxton.

Carl: hey!

Oh, no, This is a rerun.

No, no, no, no, No, it isn't.

You and max just went to see Toni braxton last night.

Yes, the sizzle club's Definitely the hot spot In chicago.

Laura, That's you on tv.

No, it's not.

You know How they say

That everybody has A person that looks Just like them.

That's my double.

Then your double is wearing That tiger-print dress

That I told you not to wear.

It's me.

I changed dresses After I left The house.

I just cannot believe That you did that.

You're not going To yell at me?

No, laura, I'm not Going to yell at you.

I'm too disappointed To yell at you.

[orchestra plays Once upon a dream]

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. And mrs. Charles t. Wentworth Of wentworth stables.

Come on, myrtle. Hurry up!

Oh, edward,

You've made this night So magical.

How can I ever thank you For escorting me?

Don't mention it.

And I mean don't Mention it to anyone.

Edward.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Big daddy urkel Of urkel peanuts.

That's, Uh, mr. Big daddy To you, sonny boy.

Here, go buy yourself Some manners.

Edward, how can you Just stand there

With that music surging Through your bones?

Hey, look, There's big daddy.

Myrtle, my child!

Don't you "Myrtle, My child," me.

I know what You're thinking.

And I will have Nothing to do

With that marshall Character.

You know I love Eddie winslow.

I think I'm going to have To have a little talk With him.

Now, baby girl, Why don't you go And fix your face?

Why does everybody Keep telling me To do that?

Excuse me, edward. Uh-huh.

Take your time.

Son, I'm gonna give you $10,000 right now

To get your yankee butt Up on a plane.

Ooh, sir, I really Wish I could,

But, uh, you see, I made a promise To god

That I would escort Myrtle to this ball Tonight.

We just gonna have To see about that, Won't we?

[laughs]

Step out my way, boy.

Ooh, there goes that Uppity sara sue.

We hate Each other's guts.

Yoo-hoo, sara sue!

Oh, well, Myrtle mae urkel.

Only you would show up To the social event Of the season

Looking like that.

Well, I was hit by A sport utility vehicle.

What's your excuse?

You have absolutely No breeding whatsoever.

You see, That's the difference

Between old money And new money.

Oh, how true, How true!

Old money Has more wrinkles.

Oh!

Good one, myrtle.

Hey, dad.

Hey.

Want some cake?

No. No, thanks.

But it's double fudge.

Laura, I'm not hungry.

Dad, can I talk to you About something?

Mm-hmm. Sure. Have a seat.

Look, I can take it When you're angry with me

Or when you're Grouchy with me

Or even when You yell at me,

But I just Cannot take it

When you're Disappointed in me.

Daddy, I'm sorry I wore that dress To the sizzle club.

But I'm 20, And I feel like

I should be able to wear Any dress I want to.

But, sweetheart, You intentionally Lied to me,

And then you went Behind my back.

But I really wanted To wear that dress.

You're a beautiful Young lady.

And if you wear That dress,

You might not Get the respect That you deserve.

I never thought of it That way.

Sweetheart, you're A young adult now.

But if you Want to be treated Like a young adult,

You're going To have to start Acting like one.

You're actually beginning To think of me as an adult?

I'm trying.

But an adult would Have stayed to talk Out our problem.

You're right.

So you're saying If I wear something You don't approve of,

We can talk about it, And you might be willing To bend a little?

Yeah, I'll bend A little,

But I'm not Willing to break.

Well, thanks, dad.

I'll do a little Bending myself.

Come over here And give me a kiss. Come on!

Our next biloxi belle

Is miss sara sue Pettyjohn.

[fanfare plays]

Hello, gentle people.

I am just so tickled To be here.

[sighs]

I am presently Attending lsu,

Majoring in both pre-med And pre-law

And my goal--

Is to be an extra On baywatch.

I now present Miss myrtle mae urkel.

[playing Call to the post]

Hi, y'all. My name Is myrtle mae urkel,

And I attend but--

The biloxi university Of technology.

And my major is in Animal husbandry

With a minor In public speaking.

[laughs and snorts]

Oh, I've been dreaming Of this moment

Ever since I was an itty bitty Bitty bitty girl.

And to be escorted By my prince charming--

Edward winslow--

Is just gravy On my biscuits.

Oh, edward.

Thank you. Thank you. Whoo! Ooh! Ooh!

Aah!

Oh. Oh, I'm So embarrassed!

Oh, edward, Do you think Anyone noticed?

Oh, oh, Watch my corsage!

Look what you have Done to my dress,

You uncouth, Clumsy clown!

You are Totally unsuitable To be a debutante,

Not to mention, You're just Downright icky!

Well, at least My boobs are level.

I want you out of here This very moment,

While the--while The magnolia ballroom Is still intact.

Leave?

Now, I may have Caused a bit Of a commotion,

But as you can see, I am somewhat incapacitated.

And I may be A lot of things,

But I certainly Am not icky.

Does anybody else here Think I'm icky?

Everybody: yes!

Well, I can take a hint.

Big daddy!

Come on, baby girl.

Myrtle, wait! Wait!

Now listen, everybody.

Myrtle has waited Her whole life For this evening.

And nothing,

Nothing would stop her From being here,

Not even getting hit By a car.

An explorer. A big sucker, too.

Now, she pushed me out Of the way of that car And saved my life.

How many of you Would have done the same For a friend, huh?

It shows courage,

Class, and sacrifice.

Myrtle deserves To be here.

And there's Absolutely no way That we're leaving.

In fact...

Miss myrtle mae urkel--

I can't believe I'm saying this.

Would you honor me With a dance?

Oh, take me, edward. Oh!

[orchestra plays The blue danube waltz]

[plays harmonica]

* I'm a peanut farmer *

* the best around *

* I got to show 'em to ya *

* but they're all underground *

* I got that, Uh, feeling funky *

* getting down And spunky *

* creamy, smooth, And chunky *

* peanut butter blues *

Take it, boy!

* I got The peanut butter *

* but you ain't Got no bread *

* I wish you hadn't Told me that *

* I'm gonna knock you Up side your head *

* I got that, Uh, feeling funky *

* getting down And spunky *

* creamy, smooth, And chunky *

* peanut butter blues *

One more time, Boy, come on.

* I got that, Uh, feeling funky *

* getting down And spunky *

* creamy, smooth, And chunky *

* peanut butter blues *

Give it up, boy. Go ahead!