Original subtitles

[doorbell rings]

Hi, stevie.

Hi, myra.

Oh, come on in, My little cheese nip.

Uh...Stevie.

Did the latin club steal Your clothes again?

Oh, no, not this time.

No. I'm still searching For my...New look.

The...Perfect look For me.

Well--ha ha-- Keep searching.

Well, what's the matter?

Grunge look doesn't work For the urk-man?

No. It doesn't reveal enough Of your bodacious bod.

You know how much I enjoy looking

At your boom-ba-da- Boom-boom buns.

Myra, please! Leave my Boom-ba-da-boom-booms Out of this.

Come on. Give mama What she wants.

Boom-ba-da-boom-boom.

Whoo!

Laura! Let's get To the sizzle club

Before all the guys Are snatched up

By the hoochie mamas!

Sorry, girl.

I just wanted to check out Myself from all angles.

And that takes 5 mirrors.

Wow. Those fake diamond Earrings look terrific.

Thanks, But they're not fake. They're my mother's.

And she Loaned them to you?

Well, she would have...

If I had asked.

Uh-oh.

Well, she wasn't home, So I just pretended To ask.

And then you just pretended That she said yes.

Pretend conversations Always turn out good For me.

Don't worry.

I'll put them back before She even knows they're gone.

Oh, listen, if you see Any guys looking at me

With that mean, Dangerous stare...

Yeah?

Girl, point 'em out To me!

Alright.

* happy birthday to me *

* happy birthday to me *

* happy birthday *

* dear stevie who we love And adore and admire *

* happy birthday *

* to me *

[toot]

Oh. Hi, steve.

Sure.

Hey...

Wait a minute.

Yes? Yes? Yes?

Is that the last cupcake?

No! There's plenty more.

Oh, good.

But there's only one day You turn 20.

Steve!

Is--is today your birthday?

No!

There was a blackout, And I just decided

To read by the light Of a cupcake!

Gee, I'm...

I'm sorry, steve.

But I had to work A double shift today,

And I guess I just forgot.

Yeah. So did the rest Of the civilized world.

Everybody forgot.

Let's face it, carl,

I am not loved.

Oh, oh, now, That is not true.

Steve, we all-- [stammering]

We all l-l-l-l...

L-l-l-love you.

Do you love me enough to Stay up late with me and Play twister all night?

No way!

But I'll tell you What I will do.

This weekend, you and I will Spend some time together.

You really mean it?

Sure. Just the two of us.

You mean...Side by side? Together? Face to face?

No walkie-talkies?

No walkie-talkies.

Pinkie swear!

Pinkie swear.

Well, come on. Wiggle it.

Oh, carl...

You are the best big bud In the whole world!

Well...

Here, you go ahead And keep that one. I'll get a fresh one.

Girl, you are crazy.

I still can't believe That tommy williams Asked me out!

Well, there were only Two women left at the club,

And I had already Told him no.

Thanks a lot.

Girl, I--hey!

What happened To your other earring?

Girl, don't even play,

'cause if I lost My mother's--eek! Eek!

Oh, no.

My mother's earring! My mother's diamond Earring!

It's--it's gon-- It's gone!

Nice knowing you.

Maybe somebody Found it at the club.

Hey, maybe you lost it While you were doing this.

Maybe you'll lose it When I do this.

Uh, yes, hi. This is laura winslow.

Yeah, yeah, I know you're closed,

But did anyone happen to Find a diamond earring There tonight?

What's he saying?

Well, He's still laughing.

What am I gonna do? That earring is worth $500.

Can you replace it Before your mom finds out?

Yes! Yeah, I can just, Um, work overtime At ferguson's

Until I save enough money To buy another one.

Problem solved.

Yeah.

But in the meantime, I just gotta hope and pray

My father doesn't take My mother anyplace fancy.

Knowin' your father, You've got a good shot.

[doorbell rings]

[ring]

Hello, winslow.

Oh! Commissioner geiss. What a surprise.

Hope you don't mind My dropping by unannounced.

Oh, no, no, no. Come on in.

Oh, thank you, Thank you, thank you.

Well, winslow, I'll tell you one thing

After looking Around this house.

What's that, sir?

You are definitely Not on the take.

That's a joke, winslow. Chill out.

And a good one, too, sir.

Winslow...Have you ever Been duck hunting?

No, sir, no. Well, me, neither,

But my son Has just given me A commemorative shotgun

To celebrate my 40 years On the force.

Well, congratulations, sir.

Well, I'd kind of like To break the gun in.

I thought I'd take a little drive Up to lake lenore,

Bag a few birds.

Oh, I'd love to, sir!

And I want to tell you

That I am honored That you would choose me.

Oh, come on. You're fun To pal around with.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Besides, My car's in the shop.

[groaning]

Ah...Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Hidey-ho, outdoorsman.

Steve? What are You doing up?

Oh, I'm ready For lake lenore and A day of shooting ducks.

How did you find out I was going hunting?

Oh, you told eddo.

And eddo and I have A standing arrangement.

I pay him 10 bucks a month

To keep me informed About what you're doing.

That's terrible!

You think that's bad, I give him 15 a month For laura.

Gouger.

Well, I'm sorry, steve,

But you just cannot Come along today.

It's just gonna be Me and my boss.

But it's the weekend, And you promised we could Hang out together.

Well, I know, but we're Just going to have to Hang out next weekend.

But, carl, I've been Waitin' all week for this!

I had my little urkel heart Set on it.

I even bought gobs of film.

Well, look, steve, I am very, very sorry...

But you just cannot Come along today.

I see.

Apparently your promises Are like a cheap, flimsy bra On myra.

It's a nice thought, But it just doesn't hold up.

Okay, steve...You can go.

Yes! Thanks, big guy!

But, you know, It gets pretty cold Up at lake lenore.

So you bettah Get a sweatah.

Good idea.

One sweater comin' Right up.

Alright.

Here we go. I'm ready.

[car starting]

Carl?

Hey, car-- [tires screeching]

Hey, carl! Carl!

Don't turn up the radio! You hear me callin' you!

Carl!

Ahh...Boy.

You know, sir, I gotta tell you,

That is one Beautiful shotgun Your son gave you.

Oh, thank you, winslow.

You can see here, This is a special edition,

Limited John wayne model.

[as john wayne] Well, Your son has excellent Taste, pilgrim.

Huh?

It's a joke... Commissioner.

Oh. Oh. Ha ha ha.

Next time, warn me, Will ya?

Well, the ducks Should be showing up Any minute now.

Yes, sir.

Hey, I think I see something.

Commissioner: what?

Carl: aah!

What? What? What?

Yoo-hoo! Big guy!

Steve!

Whoo...Chilly.

Listen, carl, you'd Better get yourself A new rearview mirror.

I was behind you For miles, and you Never saw me once!

Who is that?

His name is Steve urkel, sir.

He's a friend of mine.

Oof!

What, are you Gettin' in here?

Get in. Come on. Get in the boat.

Would you get In the boat?!

Wait! Ow! Wait!

Give me a leg!

Get up--come down here.

Gotcha! Alright, Here we go.

Come on. Give me your hand.

Up, up, up, up. That's it.

Okay. In the boat--

Aaah!

Oh, no! He's back again.

Put your legs up here.

Give me your legs! Give me your legs!

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Wait a minute!

Wait--no, steve!

Wait a minute!

Holy cow!

Hold on!

You're alright--

Whew!

Well...That was easy.

Anybody else want To dunk their hat?

Yeah!

I can't believe this.

We have not seen One duck.

Well, maybe they're not Flyin' south this winter.

Maybe they're Takin' the train.

That's a joke, winslow.

Oh! The train! Oh--ha ha ha ha!

The train! Ha ha ha ha!

I tell ya, I'm cryin' here!

Ha ha! Isn't that funny?

[forcing a laugh]

Laura, honey...

Whoo!

How do I look? Whoo-hoo!

Be honest now.

You look great.

Hah. That's the kind Of honesty I like.

What's the occasion?

Well, muriel at work Is retiring,

And we're taking her Out to lunch.

But, ma, You hate muriel.

I know. We're celebratin'.

Oh! I forgot My diamond earrings.

Oh--oh--oh--oh--m-m...

You don't want To wear those.

Why not?

Why not? Uh...Yeah...Uh...

Oh, I know why.

Because, um, That outfit screams...

Pearls.

I'd feel better in diamonds.

Ma! Um...

Muriel cannot afford Diamond earrings.

Do you really want To rub your wealth In her face like that?

Ah, maybe you're right.

Oh, I know I'm right.

No, no, no, no, no!

I'd feel better In my diamond earrings.

I don't Want you going into Dangerous neighborhoods

With those Expensive earrings.

Laura, we're going To the park carlton.

We're going to be In the crystal room.

The crystal room. Oh...Ma!

That place is loaded With gangbangers.

Haven't you heard?

They order escargot

And then throw The empty shells At old people!

I've made up my mind. I'm wearing my diamond earrings.

Ma!

I got something To tell you.

I borrowed your earrings A few nights ago

And then I lost One of them.

This one?

Oh, my god!

The manager At the sizzle club Called looking for you.

Found your earring and was Nice enough to return it.

What a relief.

Laura...If you wanted To borrow the earrings,

Why didn't you just ask?

Well, You weren't around.

Thought you Might have said no.

Ma, I'm sorry I lost your earring.

Laura...I'm not upset About these earrings.

I'm upset that You kept it a secret.

I was just So embarrassed.

I mean, It was so stupid.

It's like I was, like...

5 years old Or something.

Honey...When you were 5 years old,

You would tell me Everything.

You still can.

Thanks, ma.

No more secrets, okay?

No more secrets.

Oop! Got to go to lunch.

Hey! Wait a minute.

Isn't that my watch?

Yeah. Looks good With this outfit, Doesn't it?

Bye, baby.

Hey. Is that a duck?

No, sir. It's an airplane.

Aw, gee, I was hopin' It was a duck.

Oh, well, if it's ducks you Want, I can get ducks.

All I have to do is use My super duck call.

Commissioner: what?!

Does that thing work?

Are you kiddin'?

A couple of toots On this baby,

And we'll be up To our mukluks in ducks.

[taking deep breath]

[exhaling]

[taking deep breath]

[quack]

[hordes of ducks quacking] Hey! There they are!

Look out! Look out! Look out!

[shotgun fires]

Whoo!

Did you get one?

No. Did you?

Nothin'! This gun is crap.

Hey, steve, Blow your duck horn again.

I will not!

I, for one, am glad You didn't hit anything.

I thought I could come Out here with you guys And be an observer,

But this is barbaric.

This is too cruel.

Let's reload.

I can't just sit here

While you maim and slaughter Innocent little waterfowl.

Maim, slaughter, and bake In a preheated oven.

Carl, whispering: Sir! Sir! Look! Look!

Oh! She's all mine.

Wait! Can you Really do this?

Look inside your heart And see if you possess

The dark, evil ugliness It takes to end a life.

Can you really do Such a horrible thing, Commissioner?

Yep.

Carl: Sir! Wait! Wait! What?

Oh, my god! She's a mother.

Urkel: oh, commissioner.

If you kill her now,

You'll be sentencing Her young to certain doom.

Do you want to have that On your conscience

For the rest of your life?

Do you want to hear Their cute little cheeps

In your dreams at night?

Cheep! Cheep! Cheep! Cheep! Cheep!

Cheep! Cheep! Cheep! Cheep! Cheep! Cheep!

I guess not.

Just to be on the safe side,

Let's put away these guns.

Well, okay. Mine's empty, anyway.

Commissioner?

Hey, now, wait a minute.

You be real careful With this, huh?

Trust me.

I know what I'm doing.

[shotgun fires]

[sigh]

Sorry I screwed up Your day, big guy.

I'm gonna grab a shower.

Hey, steve?

Yeah?

I'm the one That screwed up.

Well, what do you mean?

Well...

You know, when Commissioner geiss

Asked me To go duck hunting,

Steve, I didn't Really want to go.

I'm not a big fan Of hunting.

So why did you say yes?

Well...To suck up To my boss.

Not only did I set aside My personal beliefs,

But I also broke My promise to spend The day with you.

Pretty shallow, huh?

You're bein' too hard On yourself, big guy.

Well, no, I'm not.

But I'll Tell you what.

Why don't you and I Spend the day tomorrow, Just like I promised?

Just you and me, Real quality time.

Hey, any time with you, Big guy, is quality time.

Aw...