Original subtitles

Eddie! Just the guy I wanted to see.

Forget it, laura.

I'm not goin' out with Any of your skanky friends.

What's that I hear? Ah, yes.

A sigh of relief From all of my friends.

Ha ha! She got ya, eddo!

She--um...

What do you want, laura?

Well, look, My sorority's having A charity fund-raiser.

And we're Getting hot guys

To auction off kisses To the highest female Bidder.

Stefan's gonna do it. What about you?

Oooh! I'm in! I'm in! I'm in! I'm in!

Well, well, well...

Ha ha!

Are you sayin' I'm hot, laura?

I know I'm here. I recognize my voice.

I didn't...

Come on, laura, You're finally admitting

That I belong In the hot category.

Hello, I'm here.

I'm saying...

Eddie: uh-huh.

That there are Certain girls...

Yes?

Of low intelligence And impaired eyesight

Who have enough money To bid on anything.

You know I'm hot, laura.

And these lips are Gonna raise big money For your sorority.

And really...

I'm here if you need me.

That is, if you need Any more hot guys.

I have lips.

My lips are sexy.

Hmm. They're sexier Than I thought.

[big band swing Plays on boom box]

Hi, honey.

Hey, sweetheart.

Guess what. I have Such wonderful news, I feel like dancing!

Well, tell me what it is, And we'll both dance.

[music plays]

Carl, I got a promotion!

Hey!

Congratulations!

As of monday, I'm gonna be the new buyer

For the housewares department At ferguson's!

Whoo!

Congratulations!

And not only that, I'm gonna be making $6,000 more a year!

Whoo! Congratulations!

[turns music off]

Harriette--heh heh heh...

You're gonna be makin' More money than me.

Oh, well, That doesn't matter, Does it?

Oh, no! Heh heh heh.

Nah! Nah! Nah!

No, no. Congratulations.

I need a shower.

Whee!

Laura...Uh, earlier today,

When you invited eddo To participate In your sorority auction,

Well, I couldn't help But notice that You didn't ask me.

Ooh, uh... Well, steve--

Wait a minute. Let me finish.

Now, truth be told,

I was devastated.

I couldn't figure out

Why you would try To hurt my feelings.

Well, see, I wasn't--

Then...It hit me.

You weren't trying To hurt my feelings.

You were trying To spare my feelings.

Right?

Well, I was just afraid

That if you were In the auction And no one bid on you,

You might be humiliated.

And you were right.

I would have been.

But I want you To invite me anyway.

Why?

Well, laura, I've always Been comfortable With myself,

But maybe it's time I faced the fact

That I could stand A little improvement.

You know, my voice, My clothes.

You know, steve,

I have been suggesting That for years.

Often quite loudly.

I know.

And finally, I'm gonna listen.

Yep...

No longer is it "I gotta be me."

From now on...

It's "I gotta be better."

That's good for you, Steve.

Mm-hmm.

Goodnight.

Mm-hmm.

Yep...

I could be better.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

Want to celebrate My promotion?

Here. You do the honors.

Mmm! Looks expensive.

It is. A little.

But I suppose we can Afford it now,

With your new promotion.

Heh heh heh heh...

Honey, I thought We could snuggle up Here on the couch,

Sip a little bubbly, And then... Retire early.

Sweetheart, I...I, uh...

I can't open this champagne If you're crawlin' all over me.

Sorry.

It's okay.

[sighs]

Carl... What's the matter?

Well, harriette, You want to know What's the matter.

Well, I'm gonna tell you What's the matter.

You're emasculating me, Harriette.

Emasculating.

What?

Just because I'm Making more money Than you, carl?

That's right.

Harriette, the person Who makes the most money

Wears the pants In the family.

Well...You're makin' More money than me now.

So you're gonna start Wearin' the pants.

Oh, look! You already are!

This is absolutely Ridiculous, honey.

We're a team.

Uh-uh! No, no, no, no, no.

No, sir!

Uh-uh!

Not team, harriette.

Crew.

Crew, harriette.

And I was the captain Of the crew.

Oh, really?

And what was I, carl, The swabby?

[sputtering]

Yeah!

An adored...Loved... Precious...Swabby.

But now...

You're the captain, Harriette.

New captain's goin' up To her quarters.

But until the new swabby Learns the true meaning Of teamwork...

He's gonna be bunkin' His butt down here In the brig.

Good evening, Everyone.

Tonight's Speech therapy class

Will concentrate on--

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

Hah! Uno momento, doc.

I just need a moment To get sitch-I-tated.

Let's see...

We'll put that here.

Mm-hmm.

Okay...

My fan.

Mm-hmm...

Cheese?

Okay, okay.

Okay...

That's it.

Hah!

[grinding]

I'm ready.

I'm dr. Grabowsky,

And I am living proof

That the techniques you're About to learn really work.

I used to have A terrible stutter.

Why, that's Downright Inspirational.

Why don't we start by Introducing ourselves

And describing our problems?

Uh, who'd like To go first?

[lisping] Roy thimpthon.

I have a lithp.

And on thecond thought,

That cheethe Doesth look tasthy...

Ith it thwissth?

Is there any other kind?

No, thir!

["Popping" each "P"] I'm pepe perez,

And I...

And I spit When I speak.

I'm irene elizabeth malligan and All my friends say that I talk Too fast but I don't think I

Talk too fast and as a matter of Fact if you ask me all my Friends just listen too slow.

[basso voice] Well, I'm sheila rockport,

And my voice is too deep.

Wow! I'd give anything To have your voice.

Ha ha! You can have it!

[loud music and cheering]

Wow!

Alright, babes. You guys give it up for Miss rhonda richman everybody.

You go girl!

Alright! We've raised over $900 So far, ladies.

Give yourselves a hand for that.

And we still got plenty of hot Sexy men backstage

Waitin' to sell their kisses.

And remember All the money we raise Here tonight

At the sizzle club will be Donated by fata-beta To the childrens hospital.

And I'd also liek to take this Oportunity--

To bring out the hunks!

[cheering]

Our next bachelor

Is in this girl's Humble opinion...

The coolest guy In all of chicago.

Please give it up For the one...

The only... Stefan urquelle!

[music starts, Audience cheers]

[music stops]

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

Now, this event is For such a good cause

That I wanted to make sure I was ready.

So laura and I have spent The last 3 days

Warming up These lips.

Yay! Whoo!

Since stefan is my guy,

I want to open and close The bidding at $50.

60!

Whoo! Whoo!

See, miss thing, You didn't understand.

Stefan is my man.

So we'll just close The bidding at 65.

70!

Whoo!

75!

100!

110!

Yeah! Yeah!

111. Going once...

Going twice...

150!

Whoo! Whoo!

Sold.

Hello there, And you are...

Who cares? Kiss me!

[music starts]

[band stops]

Uh-uh-uh! Miss thing! Miss--

That's more than $150 worth.

I'm gonna go home And get some more money!

[cheering]

Oh. Yes...Well, Let's give a hand

For the lovely lady Who organized this event, Laura winslow.

Alright, ladies.

Now, our next bachelor Has been called The prince of love.

Whoo... Whoo... Whoo...

Yeah, well,

He's the only one Who calls himself that.

[laughter]

Please give it up For my brother...

Eddie winslow.

[band plays]

[music stops] Girl: aow!

What are you doin'?

[band starts again]

[music stops]

[shrieking and cheering]

Whoo!

My name is eddie winslow,

Better known As the prince of love.

That's right.

Mm-hmm-hmm.

And if you buy my kisses,

You'll feel like royalty.

So, dig deep, ladies...

If you wanna swing From these lips.

I think out of courtesy We should let

Eddie's girlfriend greta Make the first bid.

Aww! Aww! Aww!

I'll give any girl 25 bucks

To take him Off my hands.

[laughter]

$25?!

I'll start the bidding At 30.

40!

Whoo! Whoo!

45.

50!

55!

60!

75!

Alright, 75, ladies.

Going once...

Going twice...

[soprano voice] Stop!

In the name of love.

Oh, my god!

It's myrtle urkel.

And me Without my lysol.

Nice hairdo.

Somewhere there's A baldheaded mannequin.

Nice dress.

Somewhere there's A butt-naked clown.

Alright! Whoo-hoo!

Ghetto tramp.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Hoochie mama!

To win the right To bust the lips

Of that handsome Slab of stud jerky,

I am prepared to bid The sum of...

$5,000!

$5,000?!

Sold.

Laura!

Girl, come up here And get your kiss.

Ooh, come on, edward, Come on.

Curl my toes And straighten my hair!

[music starts]

Aoww!

Aah!

Ohh!

Whoo! Ohh!

Well, that about knocked me All the way back to biloxi.

I want a second helping, Handsome.

Eehhh...

Uh-uh!

No! The kitchen's Closed!

Harriette?

Harriette!

Harriette!

Shh! Shh!

You'll wake The whole house, carl.

Hey, sweetheart, would you Come down for a second? I'd like to talk to you.

Come on.

Come on. To the left.

Straight ahead.

Come on. Work that walk there.

Park it And leave the keys.

Come on. There you go.

Heh heh.

"Concert parking"?

Well, yeah. This is my new extra job.

I'm moonlighting.

Oh, really?

Yes, really.

I am one of 25 folks

Who gets to show you Your parking spot

When you come to see Tom jones.

* it's not unusual To be loved by anyone *

* boom ba-da-bom *

* it's not unusual to Have fun with anyone *

Carl.

There's a reason Why tom sings

And you park cars.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

See, you don't Understand.

With my regular Police salary

And the money I make From this cool new job,

I now make $23.48 More a year than you.

Ha hah!

Captain winslow Is at the helm again!

I see.

Well, I guess In that case...

I should think about Whether or not I want To get off this ship.

What...

Maybe you can Just drop me off At the next port.

Well, wait a minute, Wait a minute.

What are you Talking about?

Carl...

Our salaries should not be A source of competition.

We're supposed to be a team.

Nobody's captain, Nobody's swabby.

Yeah, but...

Carl, we're supposed To be first mates...

Teammates.

Well, you're right, Sweetheart.

We are a team.

You for me And me for you?

You're a pain In the butt, carl.

[chuckling]

But I'm your pain In the butt.

[chuckling]

Alright.

Our next bachelor is...

Well, he's definitely One of a kind.

And he just recently Gave himself a makeover.

Please give it up For mr. Steven q. Urkel.

[music and applause]

[music stops]

[speaking precisely] Evening, ladies.

As laura mentioned,

I recently decided To accept the fact

That I have, well, A few shortcomings.

And my task has been To turn those shortcomings

Into long-goings.

Long-goings? Long-goings?

So...

I have ditched My suspenders,

Lowered my voice A smidge...

And now Let the bidding begin.

Um...

Why don't we start The bidding out At $25?

Yes, yes, That is a good place To start the bidding.

I--I mean 25 measly bucks?

It's a tax write-off.

Alright...

How about this?

Why don't we start A little lower

And then build Our way back up?

Yes, yes. Alright.

$5.00.

Want to start A little higher, laura?

Oh, y'all, come on!

$5.00?!

You spend more than that On pantyhose!

Laura: anybody?

Please.

That's okay.

Thank you.

And...I'll be Going now.

Thank you.

$100.

Going once...

Going twice...

Going 3, 4, 5, 6, 7--

Oh, who am I kidding? Sold to me.

Come on over here.

I want my kiss now.

[squeaking] You do?

["New" voice] You do?

[drum downbeat, Then music starts]

[deep voice] Wow!

Eddie, I sure am glad You didn't wind up Kissing myrtle.

Oh-ho.

Not half as glad As I am.

Ha ha!

How'd you wind up Getting rid of her?

Oh, actually, It wasn't that hard.

Help me! Oh, help me! Rabid dog!

Oh, cujo, down! Cujo, down!

Aah! He's peeking At my underthings!

Ooh! Help me!