Original subtitles

So today, I am at Dinder Muffin Corporate Headquarters for my

I'm meeting with CFO Dave, which makes him my head manager.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, hey Michelle, you're always

twittering about how you're the head manager.

Down to the balls! Suck that cock down to the balls!

So really, I'm head supervisor and he's head manager.

So anyways, last year I didn't get good reviews.

I think it's because the CFO Dave wasn't getting any pussy from his wife who was

cheating on him with a vibrator salesman.

Hello, Michelle.

He's standing right there, isn't he?

Hi,

Dave, how are you?

Uh, you mean because my wife left me for the vibrator salesman? Oh, Dave, when

are you ever going to forget about that cheating whore?

Uh, yeah.

We're still married.

Ginny, so good to see you.

Good to see you, too. You're looking great.

That's what she said.

I did indeed.

Well, guilty as charged.

And look at you. You look like you're getting some fun at Dollarwood Branch.

Uh, that's not a tan, Michelle.

I'm mulatto.

So, Michelle, despite the recent economic recession that we're having,

branch has again proven to be highly profitable for this quarter.

Now, despite the fact that your methods are extremely non -traditional, we stand

behind you 150%. We are very impressed with the numbers that you're putting

Well, thank you, said the battleship.

See, we really don't want to micromanage you.

You mean like with midgets?

No, what I mean is that even though you do some things differently than other

managers, we don't want to change what it is that you do.

Really?

Yes. Yes.

I mean, I stayed up all night putting together this video and downloading it

my phone so I could change you guys' mind about the way that I do things.

But, Michelle, we just gave you a good rating, so there's really no need for us

to view this.

Let's just watch it anyways. I even have a speech ready.

Okay.

Alright. Ladies and gentlemen.

Today, George Bush Jr.

will be proven right.

I have snuck in a weapon of mass destruction that will blow both of your

up.

So just play it. It'll change your mind about me. Totally.

I'm still really excited about Obama in office. How about you?

That's exciting, I guess.

Right? A black president.

Mm -hmm.

So what's the word on the street anyway? Are they still going to give him props

even though he's become the man?

Excuse me?

You know, is he down with the B .O .B.? Or do they call him Dope Man, Dope Man?

I try to tell him I'm where hope floats, man.

Ghetto spokes, man.

Sometimes I like to have little chats with my ethnic employees, whether

black, Asian, Latin, or midget.

And I think it's really important to get them to open up to me, so I can get in

their minority heads and see what it's like to be them.

I learned that from a great black leader, Martin Lawrence from Big Mama's

2.

Sam, I really think you should lighten up about this whole black thing.

You know, I'm trying to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony, and I can't

do that if you're blaring your hip -hop of bitterness and division.

You're the one that brought it up.

That's what she said.

So to show you that just because I'm the man, I'm not here to keep you down...

Candy? Hello?

Can you come in here for a minute, please?

Okay. Thank you.

Dan, if you haven't noticed, Candy here is Caucasian. So for race relations'

sake, she's going to let you keep her down.

Have fun.

We will.

Hahahaha!

Ugh.

oh yeah

Show me the way.

start.

Thank you.

Thank you.

brought white and black together, we, as a whole office, as one, can work

together in peace and harmony and love our coworker no matter what race or

religion. And that's the lesson we've learned here today.

There's three things that I love.

Number one, I love pretzels.

Number two, I love crossword puzzles.

And number three, I love pussy.

Oh, we got you at actually 24. Okay, Mommy.

No, I'm sorry. The ice break is only for 25.

We only go at one moment, though. Yeah, I think we get a set of the ring, we get

the ice break, and everybody visits us.

Um, I can do all that.

Just as I thought.

The United States of America.

Commonly referred to as a school.

Most messy of all known creatures.

All right, people, prepare yourselves. We have a code gray squirrel attack.

I repeat, code gray rabid squirrel attack.

Jimmy, check the filing cabinets.

Under S, right?

Mary Beth, head into the vending machines.

Those little buggers head into the nut buster bolts first.

And Sam, we're gonna need hammers and nails.

Nobody gets out of this place. We're stealing it.

Uh, Dwayne?

If we, uh...

Tape up all the doors and windows.

What do you expect we do when we run out of air?

Bitch, it's the only chance we've got.

Good luck.

Um, yeah.

The theme of this week for Messing with Wayne is squirrel infestation of his

desk. We told him that we saw a bunch of squirrels running around in the parking

lot, and then we showed him the security footage.

Squirrels are most human -like out of all the animals.

Some people would argue that gorillas are, because they can learn sign

But if that's the case, they're more like deaf humans.

So no, squirrels are.

And

that

is how you squirrel -proof a desk.

Mr. Muffin, Dwight speaking. How may I help you?

Taunted by the Rabbit Squirrel.

No.

I'll just see your fucking pussy drip.

Hold your hands on my neck.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Fuck.

Yes.

Yes.

Fuck. Yes.

Fuck me.

Oh.

Good.

Yeah, put it just like that.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck, baby.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

shit. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes.

If I stop working to kill those squirrels, the squirrels will win.

And if you think I'm going to let them take away my freedom after they brought

down those two towers, you, sir, are a fool.

So, this morning I was waiting in line at Star Bucketino's before work. Gonna

grab a quick espresso.

An espresso, if you will.

And I reached in my pocket to grab my wallet, and it's not there. Apparently I

left it at home.

Reed was behind me in line, so he spotted me the cash.

Must be my lucky day.

That is my name on this credit card.

It's Michelle.

No, it's not a girl's name. It happens to be French.

I ordered...

Five dozen cock rings from you guys. Are you going to get off your ass and

deliver those to me or not?

Because if you don't, I'll tell you something.

There's going to be a bunch of upset gypsies. And they're going to be horny.

they're going to be pissed.

And when they're done singing and dancing, they're going to caravan over

house. And they're going to fuck your dog.

You understand me?

Good.

Mercy.

Oh, he's the quality assurance director for this branch, but other than that,

he's kind of a mystery.

Oh, except one time he told me that he accidentally moved to Korea, and then he

called me Sandy.

I heard. His dick was so big, it had a kneecap.

I have a question for you, asker of questions.

Who's more dangerous in an office environment,

Reed or Brown Bear?

Correct answer?

Reed with bear claws.

So on Monday, I asked Reed how his weekend was.

And he started telling me about it.

And then I realized he was telling me the plot for the Patrick Swayze movie

Roadhouse.

And then he called me Sandy.

Roadhouse? Who told you that, Sandy?

Yeah.

I've had some pretty crazy times.

Crazy.

I remember one time, me and my fat, sarcastic friend and McLovin went to get

some booze so we could go get laid.

We never did get laid.

We ended up back at the roadhouse where I worked.

Where we kicked ass and took some names.

I got a shipment here of, uh, Cochrane.

Does that help?

Yo, right here Okay,

thanks

a lot thank you

Hey, Lee.

Hey, Kelly.

Kylie, stupid.

What have you been up to?

Well, Katie, stuff.

Stuff? Well, since you're so much into stuff, why don't you just

stuff me up with some reed?

For how long have you worked here?

Um, not that long, but, um, every day.

Every day.

Oh, my God. Why didn't you tell me?

I was waiting for this moment.

Really? Mm -hmm. Oh, my God.

Are you sure you're in the right office?

Oh, yeah.

I'm so sorry.

I know.

You know.

Straight.

Oh yeah, oh yeah

Oh, yeah, give me some more.

Okay.

Sure.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Oh, yeah. Oh,

yeah. Oh, yeah.

Thank you.