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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage Dan Cummins!

[cheering, applause]

Thank you, guys.

Ah, thank you very much.

[laughs]

I appreciate it.

To any of the Timesuck people who came tonight,

-hail Nimrod, you guys. -[cheering]

-Hail Lucifina. -[shouting]

Show biz, that's how they do it in Hollywood.

Let's not even do a standup special.

Let's just do weird catch phrases from a podcast.

-[laughs] -[man shouts]

Exactly. [laughs]

All right, now we got some jokes to tell.

I... I made a terrible parenting choice a while back.

I feel pretty bad about. My daughter, Monroe,

she turned 11 earlier this year

and her entire childhood she'd been doing speech therapy.

Like going back to preschool.

But for the previous two years prior to 11,

she could say every single sound perfectly,

except for the "r" sound."

And I was getting frustrated with her,

'cause I thought she was just not doing her exercises.

I thought she just wasn't doing her homework.

Essentially, I'm a maniac and I thought that my daughter

had a speech impediment because she was lazy.

And I was getting after her, I was like, "Come on, Monroe."

I'm like, "You gotta work on it. All right?

You gotta do the exercises. They give you homework assignments

for a reason. You actually have to try."

And she'd be like, "Dad, I am 'twying.'"

And I would think horrible shit.

"Well, not 'twying' very hard."

Finally, took her to a new speech therapist

earlier this year, I have no idea

why the first person never did this test.

They ran a different test,

found out that she's physically tongue-tied

in a way that makes it literally impossible

for her to make the 'r' sound.

She could work on it for ten hours a day,

every single day for the rest of her life,

and never get it.

And luckily, that's not where this story ends

'cause that'd be a fucking bummer.

How pissed would you be if I took you down that entire road

just to be like, "Yeah, so it sucks, you know.

It's gonna be a hard life.

No one's gonna take that seriously."

"Hi, my name is Monwoe, I'll be your attorney."

"No, you won't.

I'm not gonna hire a lawyer

who can't say their own name correctly."

No, it gets way better.

This new therapist told us about a frenectomy.

I don't know why the first person never brought this up.

It's just a simple outpatient procedure.

They laser the frenulum that connects your tongue

to the bottom of your mouth so your tongue can move naturally

and you can make all your sounds.

And so we have that done. Two weeks later,

Monroe is perfectly pronouncing everything.

Crushing "r's," she will speak better than I can

for the rest of her life.

And when she found out that she can finally say things

the way she wanted to say, she was so happy/furious.

Like happy she could speak correctly,

a little irritated that for the past two years,

her dad had been doing the parental equivalent

of just yelling at a blind child for not being able to see.

Just a monster, just, "Squint it out already!

You'd get rid of that dumb stick if you'd squint harder!"

[chuckles]

Expecting her to be showing off her "r" abilities

for the rest of her childhood now.

"Dad, would you like to hear my sounds again?"

"Yeah, go ahead, Monroe, let's see what you got."

"I cannot believe my father never considered

other treatment options whatsoever!

Are my r's clear now, motherfucker?"

"Yeah, good job, Monroe, I felt that last one."

Sometimes I'm too hard on my kids.

Usually, I'm too hard on my kids

'cause I'm worried about being too soft.

Man, I hate soft parenting.

I feel like soft parenting ruins people.

-[audience member cheers] -Right? Truly.

Truly, too many parents are afraid to criticize

or discipline, they just wanna tell their kids

how awesome they are all of the time.

You ever met somebody who was only told they were awesome

by their parents?

Hundred out of a hundred times, not awesome.

Delusional. No self awareness.

Right, just saying things that prove they have no sense

of reality all the time, just, "What did you say?

Did you actually just say

that you're a social media influencer?

You... you think that's what you do?

You have 42 followers on Instagram

and a part-time job at Arby's.

You're barely a roast beef influencer."

I've met adults who were clearly ruined

by overly supportive parents.

I'll never forget this one guy I met

early on doing standup.

It was a open mic, it was amateur night,

and anybody who showed up, put their name on a list,

got to do ten minutes.

And this one guy, he showed up with his mom.

Only his mom. So red flag riding shotgun already.

And he does his ten minutes to silence from the audience.

He just eats it for ten minutes,

no one in the audience laughs at a single one of his jokes,

other than his mother who cackles like a hyena

the entire time.

And he comes offstage and I overheard him say like,

"I don't know what that crowd's problem was.

Those jokes were awesome. My mom thought I did great."

And I decided to do him a hard favor right then and there.

I stabbed his mom right in her fucking neck.

And while she bled out, I pulled him close.

"You're free, baby bird!

Now you have a chance!"

No, but I probably should have.

No, I did think that his mom probably ruined any chance

he had at a career in comedy.

And maybe I was right. He wasn't even doing standup

two years later, you know?

'Cause he didn't work on his jokes.

Why would he? Mom already told him that they were awesome.

My mom didn't hurt my comedy career that way.

She never gave me any fake compliments.

I know exactly what my mom thinks about my act to this day.

She doesn't care for it.

Don't get me wrong, she loves me,

she's happy that I can make a living at this.

No part of her understands how I'm pulling that off.

My comedy is not her style at all.

She thinks it's too mean, too violent, too dark,

you know, too dirty, too much profanity.

-[woman cheers] -And I love my mom.

I love my mom. But my mom can suck my dick.

You know what I mean? [laughs]

Figuratively.

See how much she likes that joke.

No, but I'm glad she didn't give me

just a bunch of easy compliments.

'Cause she made me work harder to prove her wrong.

My daughter, Monroe, right now she's a pretty good artist.

And I'd like to think that part of the reason

she's become a pretty good artist

is due to my criticism of a lot of her earlier work.

'Cause when she was younger, you know, she had talent,

but I was watching the rest of the family ruin it

by just giving easy compliments.

And she's a smart kid, she's always been really smart.

She figured out at an early age she could spend two minutes

on something or two hours and get the same compliment.

So why work hard? Why put in that extra effort?

She could just scribble some nonsense,

hand it to a family member, and just hear, "What?

You did this?

On your own?

Monroe, this could be in an art gallery."

I'm looking at the same thing thinking,

"That's not gonna make the fridge."

One time she handed me something so bad,

I couldn't even tell what it was.

And she got mad at me. She's like, "What do you think?"

I was like, "I don't even... I don't even know

what this is supposed to be."

"It's a dog."

"Hm...

We have a dog right there.

I want you to look at that dog,

look at this, look at me,

and say that again with a straight face.

That dog goes missing, guess who I'm not

putting in charge of the posters?"

And that really pissed her off.

But today she draws a pretty good goddamn dog.

And I'd like to think that's related.

I'm not some crazy disciplinarian either.

My son Kyler, he's 13.

He's only gotten one spanking during his entire childhood.

And I didn't even wanna give him that one.

It was the weirdest spanking I've ever been a part of.

And I've been a part of some pretty weird spankings.

[laughs]

This was very different.

He was just never the kid that needed a spanking.

You know? Especially-- he was seven when this happened,

and he was real, you know, kind of a people pleaser,

easy to redirect, firm voice he would tear up.

But this one day I think he had seen his sister Monroe

get a few spankings and I think he wanted the street cred

of having had one.

Like, he was gunning for it real specifically, it was weird.

He was climbing on this door jamb,

and I just wanted him to get off of the door jamb

before he hurt himself. I was like, "Come on, buddy.

Let's get down. That's not what that's for.

You're gonna hurt yourself." "No."

He was never the "no" kid. I'm like, "What do you mean no?

Dude, just get off before you hurt yourself."

"Or what? You gonna give me a spanking?"

I just remember thinking, "That was weird for you

to toss out."

Like I hadn't even considered a spanking

as a punishment option up until that moment.

But once he says that, I have to say yes.

Otherwise, he's taken all my power.

So I was like, "Yeah. Okay.

I guess I would give you a spanking.

But I would rather not.

So how about you just get off the door jamb?"

"Not getting off the door jamb till I get a spanking."

The whole thing took on this tone of suicide by cop.

He's trying to force my hand.

I was like, "Dude, just get off the door jamb,

or I will give you a spanking. Last chance."

He won't get off, so I have to physically remove him

from the door jamb and he doesn't fight back

near as much as I was hoping for.

Just made the whole thing that much creepier.

I felt like I was committed, I put him over my knee,

I gave him two swats. After the second swat,

he turns, looks right at me and he goes,

"I think you're supposed to do it harder than that."

And I've never spanked him since.

Like, "Get out of here, you little creep!

Get in your room, you weirdo!"

Then I just sat there on the couch thinking like,

"What was that all about?"

I was thinking that would be a genius kid move.

If you could convince your parents

that you enjoyed punishment.

I don't have the parental skills to navigate something like that.

That would be so irritating. You'd be like, "Hey, dude.

Pick your stuff up.

Hey, buddy? I'm tired of you leaving messes around the house.

All right? I'm not your maid. We talked about this.

Pick your stuff up right now, or you're grounded for a week."

[sighs] "Thanks, Dad. You know, I would like a staycation,

I appreciate that.

I can spend time with the family,

I don't have to be rude to my friends.

Thank you very much, Father, that's very nice."

"What? No, it's not a vacation of some kind.

It's gonna be a punishment. There's gonna be no TV,

no video games, no cell phone."

"You know, I haven't had the strength to unplug myself.

That's a generous offer, Father. Thank you."

"Stop calling it an offer!

It's a punishment! You're gonna be in bed the whole week.

Does that sound fun?" "Honestly, I've been exhausted

from the video games."

"Well, now you gotta move around the whole week.

Always moving. Does that sound fun?"

"I could just treat it like a workout challenge.

I could do pushups and squats.

Maybe I could get strong enough to beat your ass

by the end of the week."

"No, I will beat your ass at the end of the week!"

"Ooh! Ay, papi, hit me like you love me, Daddy."

"I'll pick it up. Just stay away from me!"

Can't believe Kyler's 13. He's almost as tall as I am.

He's becoming a man. It's freaking me out.

We're having different kinds of conversations.

We had a father-son boner talk a while back.

I didn't bring it up.

Let's make that very clear.

That would be highly inappropriate if I just

barged in his room one afternoon,

"What's up, son? Let's talk about hard dicks!

Father-son style! Whoo!"

[laughs] No, he brought it up.

He had some new concerns.

He started getting random erections,

and he was kind of freaking himself out.

And he was worried that he would get one in the middle of class.

Other classmates would see,

and they would just mock him relentlessly.

And I had completely forgotten about that time in your life,

where when you first start getting them, it is so weird.

'Cause it's not tied to sexual thoughts.

Like they truly are just random.

Like you have no idea when they're gonna happen,

you know, when they do happen you have no idea

how long they're gonna last, when they're gonna go away.

I remember I'd be sitting in class,

I'd just freak myself out, you know,

thinking some non-sexual thought like, "I wonder...

I wonder what my dog's up to right now."

And then just be rock hard. "Oh, no!

What does that mean?

I wanna fuck my dog?

I do love him very much."

[laughs]

So I feel like I gave him pretty good advice.

I told him what I wish my dad would have told me.

I was like, "Son, if you get a random erection,

that's nothing to be ashamed of.

In fact, that's a gift from God.

Okay? You stand tall and proud.

Do not be ashamed of that. Those kids start to tease you,

you do not back down. You double down. You lean into it.

Give 'em a little taste.

If they keep teasing you, you take it further.

You drop those pants and you cock-slap your way

around that classroom! That's some alpha power shit!

They will respect the steel.

They will learn to fear it."

I didn't say any of that. That's fucking crazy.

[laughs]

No, we talked about tucking.

I was like, "Do you even tuck, bro?"

You forget, but you don't know

until someone's talked to you about it.

No one had told him that the elastic waistband

holding up his boxers served a secret dual purpose.

[laughs] It's not just for holding your boxers up.

It's also for pinning your boners down.

Tuck the tip under the strap. Submit it.

Let it retreat at its own pace. Establish dominance.

Turn those boxers into a boner holster.

[laughs]

Puberty's such a weird time.

We're probably gonna have so many more weird conversations.

I was thinking about all the creepy things I did

when I was going through puberty.

It's a long list.

I feel like I owe a lot of people apologies.

I need to apologize to my family

for a lot of the mysterious stains around the house.

I need to track down and personally apologize

to anybody who stayed in the guestroom from '93 to '95.

Turns out those pillows were not clean.

They were just firm enough, you know?

[laughs] Yeah, I was a dirtbag. I was a filthy animal.

I was thinking, what was the creepiest thing I did

when I was going through puberty?

And it's pretty insane.

For those of you who haven't heard about this story,

it's gonna feel like I'm making this up.

It's very over the top.

I don't know why I would make this up.

It does not make me look good. It did happen.

When I was 16 years old, I got paid to fuck a banana peel.

[cheering, applause]

[laughs]

Now, when I phrase it that way, I do make it sound creepier

than it actually was.

It's not like there was an old man hiding out

behind the high school gymnasium,

standing between a stack of produce

and a stack of 20s going, "I wanna see a show, boy.

They call me Chiquita Charlie.

These 'nanas ain't gonna fuck themselves."

No, it wasn't quite that bad, but it was close.

It did happen, and technically I did get paid,

'cause I was on the clock when it went down.

I was working at a grocery store

and I was working with a woman named Rhonda,

this lady named Rhonda, and it was...

I had a crush on Rhonda, which was uncomfortable

for a variety of reasons.

The morning it happened, Rhonda and I were working the produce.

I was supposed to be stocking it.

And I guess I was, if you really think about it!

[laughs] Dad joke, coming in hot.

No, but I had a crush on Rhonda.

And which is uncomfortable, because she was a coworker.

She was also my mom's age,

and also one of my mom's good friends.

She also had the largest, nicest breasts

I'd ever spent a lot of time in close proximity to

at that point in my life.

I was mostly in love with Rhonda's D-cup,

fantastical breasts.

And she would wear cleavage-revealing shirts

behind her produce smock.

And sometimes when she was working the fruit,

she'd be kind of dangling those D-cups out there.

And I would end up zoning out on those hot ta-tas.

And then she would catch me, and I would get embarrassed

'cause it was uncomfortable, you know?

It's inappropriate, like, "Oh, God!"

I would just kind of look somewhere else.

And then the morning this happened,

we're working the fruit, working the bananas specifically.

And it was a lot of back and forth. I'd zone out,

"Oh, God," and then she'd-- "Oh, God, bananas."

So it was like boobs, 'nanas. Boobs, 'nanas.

And I got super horny.

And I got one of those erections you could only get

when you're going through puberty.

It requires a superhuman level of hormones.

Literally a throbbing erection where you can see the pulse

in the vein of the dick.

Any doctor worth half a shit

could have taken my heartrate visually.

Which is not how you're supposed to do it, by the way.

That's how your doctor's doing it, you need to shop around.

That's a class action suit waiting to happen.

And I had, uh, I had one of the weirdest thoughts

I've ever had in my life. I was looking at one of these

bananas and it just kind of occurred to me

that the banana is one of the penises of the fruit world.

Roughly the same size and shape. And I thought,

"Well, if the fruit is the penis,

that would make the peel by default the vagina.

Giving the fruit a tight, warm place of refuge."

You have to admit, there's some logic!

And I just thought, what if I opened up one end of that 'nana,

gently massaged the fruit out,

gently massaged my ween in.

That might not be entirely unpleasant.

Now, I do realize that a lot of people would have stopped there.

Or way before there.

But I'm more curious than that. And I decided to take one

of those bananas into the break room bathroom

and perform a little experiment.

Technically, I stole it 'cause I wasn't gonna pay for it

in that situation.

That's a sketchy morning mid-shift purchase, one 'nana.

Paid for by a sweaty, shifty-eyed teenager.

So I took that banana into the bathroom,

I locked the door and I went to work.

I'm not gonna say it felt great, 'cause it didn't.

It was probably two creams, a little bit rough.

But it didn't feel terrible 'cause I did finish.

And that's when the shame hit me.

That's when it became real.

I was the most ashamed I'd ever been in myself.

'Cause up until that point,

it was a series of weird thoughts and actions.

And then suddenly, once I finished, I was like,

"Oh, you're a fruit fucker now!

That's who you are forever!"

And then I kind of panicked

'cause I had five, six hours left to work.

I had a long shift ahead of me.

And I got really nervous about the most ridiculous thing.

I was actually worried for the rest of that shift

that someone would smell 'nana on my person.

And somehow figure out what I'd done in that bathroom.

What maniac makes that leap?

What super creepy grocery store manager

would accuse a 16-year-old boy of that,

even if they did think it was true?

"Hey, Cummins. When you're done over there,

I need you to go to aisle seven and face the cereal boxes.

When you're done with the cereal...

When you're done with the cereal boxes...

[sniffs]

Okay.

Okay, all right. I see what's going on here.

I was hoping this wasn't true, but you know this morning

I noticed that one banana

went missing from the produce section.

I do a 'nana check every morning at 10:00 a.m. sharp.

A few minutes later, I went to the bathroom

and I found the peel, son.

I found the badly beaten peel.

And I put two and two together and look,

Lord knows I'm no detective. I'm just a lowly middle-aged

grocery store manager. But I'm also no fool.

And I know a 'nana fucker when I see one.

You wanna end up like Chiquita Charlie?

Is that what you want?!"

Whether you like that bit or hated it,

you will remember it.

Good luck explaining to other shoppers

why you're snickering in the grocery store.

"What's so funny about those bananas?"

"This guy, he put his dick in one of...

I'm gonna take off.

Forever."

You guys care if I take a break from making fun of myself

and my family and just make fun of strangers for a while?

-[cheering] -Okay. Okay. Good.

Good. I feel like you gotta ask now, it's 2019.

Society's gotten very sensitive.

A lot of thin skin out there.

You know, God forbid somebody comes to a comedy show

and get their feelings hurt.

You know, get offended or get triggered

or suffer some other problem that we made up.

You know who never used to get triggered?

Anyone alive prior to the 20th century.

-[cheering] -It's a recent invention.

People, you know, they didn't worry about words

as much in the past 'cause they had bigger problems

to be totally honest, you know.

They were worried about keeping their 15 dirty kids fed

and not dying before 40.

They didn't focus too much on words.

It just feels like they were so much tougher.

It feels like we've become so fragile as a species.

It feels like everyone's anxious or depressed.

And I know some of that's real.

I know clinical depression is real.

Crippling anxiety is real. But you know what else is real?

Choosing to be a self-indulgent whiny fuck. That's real.

-What a sad choice. -[cheering]

What a terrible way to go through life.

I feel like there's more of those people

alive right now than ever. You know?

Because those people used to just die.

Life got too hard for them, and they just died. You know?

You don't read about a lot of those people in the past.

You don't read a lot of historical journals

or diary entries saying stuff like,

"September 4th, 1812.

Margaret is furious with me

for not helping with the wheat harvest.

I explained that I would love to,

but my anxiety is through the roof.

The wheat provides me no satisfaction anyhow

due to my gluten sensitivity."

[laughs] No.

Somebody will be outraged by that joke.

They'll want me to stop telling it.

That's a new thing now, just started to happen

in the last, you know, couple of years.

I get being offended by a joke. I get being offended.

That makes sense. But now when somebody's offended,

they wanna take the thing they don't like personally

away from everybody else. What a weird mentality.

Instead of just being a grownup and moving on

and finding something that they do like.

You know, I've had... like a month ago.

A month ago, this lady comes up after the show

and she's like, "You need to get rid of it.

Get rid of that. No, you need to get rid of that joke."

Oh, the one you just heard about 300 other people laugh at?

You narcissistic fuck. That didn't matter at all?

-[cheering] -What is happening with that?

How about I get rid of this relationship?

It's ridiculous.

You start taking away things we can laugh at,

we just have more shit to be sad about.

Is that the world people wanna live in?

Just cry and have everything be serious?

Yeah, it's crazy. You know, laughter is healthy.

I feel like I'm gonna live an extra two or three years

thanks to all the laughs I've had at other people's expenses.

[laughs] I feel like more laughter equals less murder.

Mm-hm. I don't have any stats to back that up,

but it feels true.

I feel like you can continue to let me rant about idiots,

or I can start circling names on a "people to kill" list.

Jokes or stabs, what do you want?

I'm gonna get rid of this tension one way or another.

I hope I can always mock things.

Right now, I like to mock idiots online.

-The idiots of the internet. -[cheering]

-Yes. -[applause]

I know I can't change the way they think,

but at least I can make fun of the way they think.

Blow off a little steam,

it's frustrating what people post,

what gets liked and shared. It's kind of scary.

"You shouldn't vaccinate your kids,

'cause that's how kids get autism.

So no one should vaccinate their kids."

Hey, remember before posting that, that one time

you went to medical school? Nope.

You know who's not sharing and liking that? Doctors.

You know, for the Timesuck podcast,

I was doing research for that anti-vaccination episode.

I talked to a lot of doctors. And it's just crazy to me

that there's no legitimate link at all

between vaccinations and autism.

But there's a very, very strong link

between getting rid of vaccinations

and having lethal diseases we already beat

come back and kill us all over again.

-[cheering] -We will literally die

because of ignorance.

It's insane.

I wonder what the anti-vaxxers are gonna post then, you know?

"Have you seen my non-autistic kid?

He's the little guy in the corner with the leg braces

and the measles scars all over his face.

Sure glad I stopped listening to doctors. [laughs]"

[chuckles]

If any part of that joke upset you,

I want you to read more after the show.

[laughs]

Flat earthers, I hope I can always make fun of that.

-That's nonsense. -[cheering]

So preposterous.

To me, that anti-science and just logic

and common sense, it's crazy that we live in a world now

where there are people being convinced

by conspiracy theorists while listening to them

on satellite radio that the earth is flat.

An almost unfathomable level of irony.

[laughs] They call it a flat earth debate

to make it sound more intellectual.

Right, there's two sides to the flat earth debate.

And if you're a flat earther right now, you're thinking,

"Exactly.

There's only two sides, you smug son of a bitch."

There's the round side and the flat side.

[laughs] This is how insane this argument is.

On the round side of this debate

is every scientist alive.

Not most, all of them.

Every legitimate scientist,

every astronomy and physics professor,

every pilot who makes it to their destination consistently.

People who understand if you flew in the same direction

long enough, you'd make it back around

to where you began your journey.

As opposed to the very different flat earth outcome,

which has never happened, of just drifting off into the void.

Soaring over a mythical ice wall that keeps our oceans

from pouring into the abyss

and quenching the thirst of the kraken.

It's medieval.

On the other side of this argument,

on the flat earth side of this argument,

-is Tila Tequila. -[applause]

That about sums it up.

A lot of people still very worried about the devil.

That bothers me.

We're on the cusp of colonizing Mars.

We're about to have 3D printers kick out useable,

biological organs, and we'd have even more cool

medical and tech if more people focused on that

and worried less about, "What's the devil up to, though?

Where's the devil right now?"

[laughs] And I get believing in like a good or evil deity.

I get believing in like a vague notion of like a good god

and an evil god, but some people take it too far.

And they add a lot of unnecessary stress

to their lives,

worrying that the evil deity is interfering on earth

in ways that can be easily and quickly disproven.

I watch a lot of weird videos.

And I know that a lot of people are worried right now

that Katy Perry, the pop star, is famous

because she sold her soul to Satan.

They really believe this. A lot of videos,

get a lot of views, a lot of comments underneath them.

Stuff like, "Enjoy your fame and fortune, whore of Babylon."

There's no way that's true.

There's no way that the devil is out there

giving you whatever you want

if you just give the devil your soul.

Because if that was true,

there would be a lot less homeless people.

You mean to tell me that some dude sleeping

in a piss-filled alley, eating out of a Dumpster,

literally sucking dick for meth,

isn't quite ready to make that deal?

That guy would sell his soul for a chalupa.

[laughs] You think in some magical scenario

where the devil is just gonna fix all his problems,

he's gonna turn it down? Where the devil says,

"Give me your soul, I'll make it all go away.

Fame and fortune are yours, just give me that sweet, sweet soul."

[grunting softly] "Get out of here, devil!

How dare you!

Sure I'm going through a rough patch!

I'll finish you in a second, you hold your horses. Hey!

My teeth may be dirty, but my soul is clean! Ha-ha!"

-[cheering, applause] -[laughs] Thanks.

I'm glad a lot of you seem to enjoy that.

I'm sure, for a few of you, this show just ended.

You may remain here physically, but in your head,

oh, you're done right now.

"He needs to take that joke out of his act.

Ahh!

Who does that from the side, anyway?"

[laughs]

I'm just fascinated with what, you know,

people choose to believe in, to worry about.

How they kind of just add to their problems in weird ways.

Like what problems they invent.

The weirdest one to me, I've been talking about it

for a few years, and it's a growing movement,

-is the lizard illuminati. -[cheering]

Right? I joke around about it a lot,

but it is crazy when you really think about it.

There are adults out there stressed out

'cause they're worried about reptilians from space

who live in tunnels beneath us

who mate with our political leaders

and create these weird bloodlines,

control our thoughts from the moon matrix.

Like, there's somebody in a cubicle right now going,

"Goddamn lizards!

I'm sick of it!"

When I first found out about it, I thought it was a joke.

I watched the videos, I was laughing.

And then I read the comments underneath,

and I thought it would just be comment after comment

of stuff like, "Get the fuck out of here! That's crazy!"

No, comment after comment of like,

"Thank you for being brave enough to speak the truth.

Hashtag: wokeasfuck."

What? It's a real belief.

That's what amazes me about the internet.

No matter how crazy the video is,

there are believers in the comments section,

no matter how extreme. You know?

Just some guy, rand-- just like, "I'm sick of the Rothschilds

taking their blood pedophile money

and using it for their Agenda 21 extermination program.

Okay? It's bohemian growth. They meet about it every year.

They have their rituals. It's on tape, okay? Listen.

The Bilderbergers, just looking-- The pizzas are there.

Wake up, sheeple. It's the Freemasons

working with the Knights Templar Priory of Sion.

Connect the dots. Okay? Mona Lisa, do the math.

The Greys, Area 51, they coordinate everything.

All roads lead to the Denver airport!"

[cheering, applause]

We don't have to worry about lizard people.

We do have to worry about people who worry about lizard people.

They're not kidding, you know, they're raising kids

and they're voting.

And that's terrifying.

[laughs] Sometimes ignorance is scary.

Sometimes it's just irritating.

People doing little things throughout the day

that I feel like if they would just think about

what they were doing, they would stop needlessly

stressing the rest of us out with their actions.

Here's one of many examples I could use.

Getting out of an elevator should never be stressful.

It should always be carefree and easy.

But it's not because, for reasons I will never understand,

there's a sizeable percentage of the population

that doesn't wanna think about how it's much easier

to get into a small, confined space

if you first let others out.

-Just wait two seconds. -[applause]

That's all.

I always think like, why are you barging in immediately?

You can't be right here if I'm already right here.

That's not how space works, my friend.

I feel like the person who does that is also the person

who has merging onto the freeway confused.

Setting their cruise control to about 70 on the onramp,

never looking left and hoping shit works out.

[laughs]

"If only I could adjust the speed of my death machine..."

I feel like we get a lot of needless stress

from stupid questions.

I don't like the phrase, "There's no such thing

as a stupid question."

There are so many. There are so many.

Most questions are asked I feel like just out of laziness,

as opposed to curiosity.

Somebody doesn't wanna take a minute to figure something out

so they outsource all the work to you.

Right? I get annoyed immediately by questions

about directions right now.

Those are my least favorite, about how to get somewhere.

Just, "Hey, do you know how to get to a Target?"

"I sure do.

You know what's crazy?

I don't even live here.

But I also have a phone.

And I took one minute of my life

to figure out how to use the map app.

It's pretty complicated. First you gotta open up the app

called 'Map.'"

I still have relatives, to this day,

they have to call before they come over.

"Hey, what exit do we take to get to your--"

"No. We're done with that.

I'm gonna text you my address one last time.

It's gonna show up in your phone in the form of a link,

which I have been describing continuously since 2006.

Like I keep trying to tell you, all you have to do

is push the link. Just try it.

Just push it one time. A magical map will open up

that will voice navigate you from anywhere you happen to be

on earth to here.

If you somehow get lost, it will continuously

re-route your ignorant ass."

[cheering]

"Just... just give it a shot.

Just push the link with your-- you can finger it,

that's traditional. Use your finger.

Uh, you could thumb it, unorthodox,

but should be effective.

Hypothetically, you could slap your dick on it.

Skin, screen, pressure equals map.

Even if you don't have a dick, you could clit it,

whatever tissue you choose.

Put your lady ween on that screen."

I do that whole joke just so I can say

"lady ween" at the end.

[cheering]

I wanna get that term out there, "lady ween,"

and its acceptable alternate, "lady weenis."

I do-- [laughs] And I do that as a public service.

'Cause I wanna improve people's sex lives. Okay?

So anybody here, if you're looking to, you know,

make a lady happy in the bedroom

and you wanna take things to the next level,

I want you to try sneaking that word in.

And don't talk about it beforehand.

Women like to be surprised.

[laughs] I find it sexy just to whisper it,

right, just whisper something super hot out of nowhere,

mid-sex, just lean in, be like,

"I could stroke your lady ween if you want."

Do that if you want all the moisture

to leave the room immediately.

Like a magic trick, just... [slurps, makes explosion sound]

Such... such a creepy term.

I bet if you wall just started yelling that

in the neighborhood after the show,

you could drop the overall humidity of this area

five, ten percent.

If it was quiet enough and you listen real hard,

you could probably hear vaginas shut. Just...

[flicking tongue]

"No!"

Just some instinctual self defense.

[slurping sound, grunts]

[laughs]

I make fun of everybody else.

I should probably make fun of myself a little more.

Yeah, I do plenty of dumb things.

Sometimes I do things so dumb where it makes me question

my overall intellectual abilities.

Like I'm the only person I know that has smashed their face

really hard, not once but twice, on a bakery display case.

I feel like I'm missing the part of the brain

that processes the curve of glass.

Geometry was really hard for me.

And I feel like I can't figure out where my face

would intersect during the curve.

Two different times I went in for a quick closer look

at a muffin,

walked out of the coffee shop two seconds later,

no muffin, slight nosebleed.

I'm also the only person I know,

I broke off one of my front teeth,

one of my front teeth is half fake,

'cause I thought it would be hilarious

to scare a fish in a fish bowl.

I was 35 years old.

[laughs]

And completely sober.

In just a moment of spontaneity,

I thought it'd be hilarious just to be like, "Bah!"

And I didn't account for how far the bowl curved out.

And I made it about halfway, I go, "Ah!" Plink!

And I just shot my tooth.

I don't even think I scared the fish.

Looked exactly the same.

Everybody does dumb things.

Best you can try and do is do less of them going forward.

Right? That's all you can do.

Just try and get a little better,

try and improve in some way.

Right now I'm working on trying to improve my grammar abilities.

'Cause I know that a lot of people, you know,

won't take what you write seriously

if your grammar is poor, which I get. That's fair.

Lately, I've been trying to figure out

how to use the semicolon for about the past 30 years.

[laughs] It's important to me, you know,

because it's the pinnacle of grammar.

It's me, you know, it's like that's the very top.

And when I see somebody whipping around a semicolon

like they know what they're doing, I trust them more,

I respect them.

"Look at you, Professor Wizard."

When I used to get confused, I would Google,

"How do I use a semicolon?"

And then read the definition

and somehow get even more confused.

I did it so many times, I've had it memorized

for several years, and it still doesn't help.

Like I can say it, but it doesn't mean anything.

I can say the words, but they don't connect

to an idea inside my head.

"How to join two ideas of equal value."

Okay.

Like, what does that actually mean?

How are you supposed to figure out how much, you know,

value some random subjective idea has?

And then how do you know when that lines up equally

to some other random idea?

Nacho cheese Doritos are delicious...

semicolon...

wish I knew karate, period.

That's gotta be close.

I'm also not a very good speller.

I'm actually a very poor speller.

I know that based on the sheer volume

of little red shame lines that pop up on every document.

Hard to keep telling yourself you're kicking ass

intellectually when it feels like every other sentence

your computer's like... [laughs] "No.

No, that's not a word, my friend.

That's cute.

There's a lot of words out there.

That's none of them."

And then you know that you're really bad at spelling

when it feels like the majority of the time

you click on the line, and in theory,

should be offered options of other words

you were trying to spell.

You are apparently so borderline illiterate

that this advanced operating system

can't think of one other word

in all of language,

just throws its hands up, "No guesses found.

We don't know.

Why don't you hand this to a grownup before you break it."

But I keep trying.

If you don't try and get better, what's the other option?

You just get worse.

'Cause I don't think you get to stay the same in life.

I feel like you either improve or you start to slide down.

And I feel like I see too many people in public

who seem to have made a pretty strong choice for worse.

People with quote, "no fucks to give."

Aka assholes.

They don't care how their terrible behavior

affects other people. Right?

Like the latest example of a trend I see,

that to me is so selfish, I just don't understand

how someone could casually do it and think it's okay.

Having a loud public conversation

on their speaker phone.

Right? Why are you forcing both sides of a conversation

on everyone in a 50-foot radius?

Right? To me, it's a terrible choice. Like...

[cheering, applause]

And it bugs me because it is a choice.

Every time I've seen it, it's been a choice

'cause the person has been holding the phone in their hand,

right, and if your hand is attached

to a standard issue arm...

that means you could take your phone

from here or here or here to right here,

and not be a dick fuck.

[applause, cheering]

This should only be acceptable to do it out here

if you have a small, wonky arm that can't reach your ear.

Okay. Lot of pushback on that one.

All right.

Right there, that's how societies become

a little too sensitive in some ways.

If you didn't like that last part, I bet I know why.

I bet I know you were thinking some version of,

"Jesus Christ, there could be someone here...

[laughs] with a small, wonky arm."

Yeah, they could be here. They could also have

a sense of humor, like other human beings.

Right? Why do we decide what other people can laugh at?

-What they can handle? -[cheering, applause]

Do you ever think about how weird that is

that we make these judgment calls about what other people

can handle, you know, in certain situations?

Like I was friends in college,

good friends with a paraplegic guy named Brian.

And I got to see this firsthand,

where people would try to be nice,

you know, and they didn't wanna say something

that would offend him, but would end up hurting his feelings

because he just wanted his balls busted

like everybody else.

He wanted to be treated exactly like everybody else,

but people would act weird around him

and they would confuse his brains with his legs.

Right, his legs didn't work, his brain was fucking awesome.

He knew what they were doing every single time.

Just weird stuff like, "Hey, man, it's good to see you.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go for a run-- I'm gonna go, uh,

do some stuff."

He could handle the word "run."

Think he's gonna be, "Have fun on your run!

Where you running to, showoff? A trampoline park?

Must be nice!"

No.

It's crazy. It feels like right now

there's so much worry over what we can laugh at,

what we can say. I feel like there's so much stress

in society right now. Everybody's tense,

worried about the outrage police taking their lives apart.

You know, if they say the wrong thing,

which is stressful 'cause the wrong thing is always changing.

Somebody... somebody tweets or posts something

and then ten years later, they lose their job.

What if-- what if we just, I don't know,

what if we just fucking knock that shit off?

What if we decided that we can talk things out?

We can make mistakes, we can say the wrong thing,

we can be forgiven, we can grow and evolve,

you know, we can stop dividing ourselves into little groups

along political or racial lines

and fucking snipe each other from the shadows

and just grow as one group of meat sacks

and kind of progress as a human species.

That's a choice we could make, you know, if we wanted to.

That's a world I'd like to live in.

I feel like white people are the most tense right now.

I don't have any proof, it may be because I'm white,

you know, I sense that. But I've only seen white people

do this, though: be so nervous about being perceived as racist

that they refuse to use race or color as descriptive terms

when trying to describe someone,

even when it is the most painfully fucking obvious

-way to do so. -[man cheers]

It's so uncomfortable,

everybody knows the game that's being played every time.

Right? Like they're afraid if they say the word "black,"

that's somehow racist. It's not inherently racist.

That's ridiculous. Right? Maybe watch your tone.

Don't be like, "Black!" That's racist.

That's conveying negative emotion.

But if you're saying it in a descriptive sense,

or some people, there could be a room of 300 albinos,

and also one black man.

And they're trying to point him out to you,

but they refuse to say the word "black,"

and it is painfully uncomfortable.

Right? It's such a weird little game.

Just, "Where's your friend?"

[nervous chuckle]

"Uh...

He has a hat on."

Dude, save us the time. Just say the world black.

Okay in that situation. Not okay if he's right next to you.

That's weird to be like, "This is my black friend John."

Fucking easy.

Tone it down, Ku Klux Klown.

He's a friend, not a trophy. What are you doing?

I feel like so many people don't know when they can

say something, what they can say.

I wish people worried more about how loud they said things.

I feel like volume is a real problem in this country.

I don't like to go to the movie theater anymore,

'cause too many people have made it to the age of adulthood...

Actually, I could just stop right there.

That's one thought. Let's put a period there.

Maybe a semicolon.

But also, too many people have made it

to the age of adulthood without mastering the art

of whispering. How's that possible?

How did no one ever teach them how to speak

in a soft, wispy, creepy voice

that signals to the person closest to them,

"This is a message for that person alone?"

[whispering] "I have something I want to talk to you about.

But I don't want everyone to hear.

That's why I'm using this voice.

If you'll recall, this is not my normal voice."

Some people's version of that is, "I gotta talk to you

about something personal!"

What do you have, an inner ear infection?

What the fuck's going on with you?

Did you blow both eardrums on the way to this movie?

What are those odds?

I wish you had to pass a whisper test

before you were allowed into the movie theater.

How great would that be, right?

If the usher was like, "Hey, hold up. Hold up.

I'm gonna tell you what theater your movie's in.

Right after you quietly tell me a little secret."

"All right. All right, I'll play your game.

You want a secret?

Oh, okay. All right.

Come here.

There is something going on

on the big toe toenail on my left foot.

There's a dark mass

in the center of the toenail.

Now, when I first saw it,

I thought I must have just smashed my toe.

And then somehow forgot I had ever done that.

And I assumed that it would grow out in time.

No, sir.

I've been clipping that bad boy for at least three years.

And it is still in the center of the toenail.

And darker than when I first saw it.

My wife, Lindsay, thinks it's a fungal situation.

And she has encouraged me to get medical attention.

And I do want that. I just...

I've become very anxious about the possibility

of the doctor and the nurse looking at my toe,

stepping out, and having quite a giggle at my expense.

So I just, I keep pushing it off and it just gets worse.

[sobbing] I... I have found myself in a prison of shame

and fear and I don't know..." "It's theater number six!

Get away from me!"

[cheering, applause]

"Enjoy your movie, and for the love of God,

keep your shoes on."

If you thought that sounded very specific and real,

you're correct.

[laughs] I know it's gross, I'm not proud of it,

but I'm working through some stuff.

People don't care about, uh, how their...

how their behavior affects others in public.

They've ruined shopping for me.

I don't like to shop in stores. I like to shop online.

Mostly because of one personality type.

It's the person who takes way too long

to pay for their stuff

when they make it to the cash register,

even when there's a long line of people waiting behind them.

Right? Why are you asking a lot of questions right now?

If you got some questions,

you go to the customer service department.

That's a different part of the store.

You are currently in the

"get the fuck out of here" department!

You're in the "yah, yah, go on, get" department.

That's the department you're in.

And I think some people do it on purpose.

That's what makes me more angry. I think it's a weird power trip.

I think some people, they stand up there and intentionally

take a long time. They enjoy knowing

that other lives don't get to continue until they decide.

"Oh, I like this.

I know you got a lot of stuff to do today. But I don't.

Mother may not listen to me, but they will."

[cheering, applause]

[indistinct]

When I'm one of the people waiting in line

behind that person, I like to run a little fantasy

through my head to make the wait a little more bearable.

It's very violent, but it is just a fantasy

that I don't wanna actually carry out.

I just like to imagine the person literally

dropping dead in front of the register.

Hm. They die, and then during the confusion surrounding

their sudden death, I quickly step on their body

and efficiently proceed with my transaction.

To show that that was a choice they could have made.

[cheering, applause]

And then the cashier becomes alarmed, says something like,

"Would you get off the body?" But I don't, I don't.

'Cause I've been thinking about this for a long time

and I want to say some cool shit at the end.

I just look him right in the eye and be like, "I will not.

He wasted my time in life.

And he will not waste it in death."

And then everyone breaks out into song.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ They took too long to pay for their stuff ♪

♪ We're all happy they're dead ♪

Something like that. Something in that...

-It's a rough draft. -[cheering]

The song part.

The person I've seen in public who seems

to have hit rock bottom, as far as not caring

how their behavior affects others,

what they do is not just, you know, rude,

it's dangerous, it's not safe.

I haven't seen it a lot, but I have seen it, you know,

a few times.

I've watched a stranger, you know, an adult,

in public, openly pick their butthole.

That's the word I wanted to use. Not butt or crack.

It's deeper than that.

Sure, technically there's a thin layer of fabric

separating digit and anus, but make no mistake,

they are in there.

One, maybe two fingers, half a knuckle deep, easy.

Just rooting around like a hog looking for some truffles.

Casual.

You could make direct eye contact

and try to shame them, be like, "No!"

They don't even care. They just give back this energy

like, "Well, it feels good to me!

But I like it!

What should I do next?

Probably shake some hands.

Semicolon, man, I'm sick of pink eye. Period."

-[cheering, applause] -That's all.

Okay, good.

Now I've got it figured out. Okay? Good.

Little worried about our future.

When my kids were younger, I used to volunteer

in their classrooms. I would definitely get bothered

about some of the things I would see.

I gotta say, I feel bad for teachers right now.

Any teachers here tonight, thank you for what you do.

-[cheering] -Yeah, sincerely. Thank you.

It's a very important job. You're shaping the future.

And I don't feel like our culture supports you enough.

Truly. Yeah, truly. Yeah, it's just frustrating.

You know? I feel like-- I feel like our culture

has kind of turned on expertise in general,

for some weird reason.

Right? There's like this weird phenomenon

where one person can study something for four, six,

seven years, work in that field for ten or 20.

Another person can read one post on Facebook

and somehow think they know more.

[laughs] Like, this doesn't make any sense.

I can't imagine how frustrating it is to be a doctor right now.

Right? Patient after patient of just stuff like,

"Okay, I hear what you're saying and shit.

But check this out.

I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos

on the healing power of crystals.

And I'm gonna take my treatment in a different direction."

All right, well, good luck with that.

Hopefully, you die before you have kids.

'Cause we don't need to spread that behavior.

-[cheering, applause] -It's so outrageous!

People used to trust teachers to control a classroom,

and now I feel like they second guess them to death.

My sister's a teacher. I know a lot of teachers.

I've witnessed it firsthand.

There's like-- it's just crazy. You know?

Like, uh, it used to be where if a kid was causing a problem

in the classroom, obvious problem,

and the parent or parents get called in,

it'd be like the parent and the teacher

working together as a team on behalf of the kid,

coming up with a game plan.

Now, a lot of times, if the parent gets called in,

it's the parent and the kid ganging up on the teacher

as if the teacher has an agenda out for their kid.

Which is very paranoid logic. Highly unlikely

that your kid's teacher has an agenda out for your kid.

Very likely that if your kid's teacher thinks that your kid

is a disruptive piece of shit, well, guess what?

Your kid is a disruptive piece of shit.

And if you can't understand that,

it's 'cause you are also a disruptive piece of shit

perpetuating a horrible mentality.

[cheering]

It would just be nice in those situations

if sometimes, you know, that parent could just assume

that maybe the teacher's right.

Take a day off work, take the kids out of school for a day,

load the family up into a van,

drive around and just brainstorm.

You know? Just, "What if they've got a point, you know?

What if... what if there is something that we could fix?

What should we do?" If you can't come up with an answer

to those type of questions, that's okay.

You can also take a shortcut and drive that van

off a cliff.

Sometimes, maybe it's best to prune that family tree

right at the stump.

For the greater good.

[laughs]

I'm half joking. Tops.

There was a kid in my daughter's class

who has disrupted school every day he is there

for the past four school years to a preposterous degree.

Last thing I saw firsthand, every other kid

is trying to take a test. He's in the back of the room,

working on martial arts moves for about half an hour.

And not on the sly. Like openly and aggressively.

I talked to the teacher, I'm like,

"Why don't you just kick him out?"

She said, "'Cause it doesn't help."

She tried. Didn't work.

She used to send him to the principal's office,

but she stopped 'cause he wouldn't get in trouble.

I found out later why. The principal was afraid

to get after him 'cause the principal was worried

about getting backed up by the school board.

And the school board was worried about backing up the principal

'cause they were afraid of getting sued by this kid's mom.

I found this whole story. And they were nervous

with this kid because this kid claimed to have a focus disorder

which I don't buy.

And I know a lot of kids have legitimate disorders.

I know that's real. But I know that a lot of other kids

have been told they have a disorder

by somebody who's not qualified.

All they really suffer from is being an imperfect human being

like everybody else, but now they have a label

to hide behind for the rest of their life

and never take responsibility for their shit.

And that's not good for them or anybody around them.

And I don't-- yeah, and I don't think this kid

has a focus disorder because I have a lot of gossip sources

in the school system who I do trust.

And according to sources who I cannot name for legal reasons,

right, they have told me that they have asked

this child's mother, please take him to a doctor.

Have him tested. They've asked her over and over.

She won't do it. Only the mother has diagnosed him.

And I question her diagnostic abilities.

'Cause she is not a doctor. She is a hair stylist.

And he has a fucked up haircut.

[laughs]

I was just thinking that maybe if you can't center a rat tail,

you might not be the best at knocking out

psychological disorders.

Maybe that's not your lane.

If I would have done what he does when I was in school,

I'd have been physically removed from the classroom.

And I know that 'cause I was physically removed

from the classroom.

[laughs] Third grade, I had my own desk in the hallway

for quite some time.

'Cause apparently, I suffer from "I cannot shut up

and leave people alone" disorder.

I was put in solitary to reflect on my condition.

If my dad would have done that when he was a kid,

he'd have been paddled.

That's what they would do to him.

They'd bring him to the front of the class

and paddle his ass.

If that sounds crazy to you, the crazy thing to me

is even though that happened to him a whole bunch of times,

he never even died one time.

It's almost like it's not that big of a deal.

If my grandpa would have done that when he was a kid,

he'd have been taken out of recess,

he'd have been walked to the center of the playground,

and he would have been executed.

And that might not be true.

He's been saying a lot of weird shit the last two years.

I was thinking, what could we do now? Right?

To, uh, to kind of let teachers

take control of the classroom again,

without having to put their hands on a kid.

Right? And risk any kind of litigation.

'Cause you get in so much trouble

if you paddled a kid now. You'd go to jail,

you'd never get to teach again.

I was thinking, what could we do?

They'd never have to touch a kid

but they could really control the classroom.

And I'm pretty excited with what I've come up with.

It's gonna be hard to legislate, but I do believe in this idea.

I Googled how much electricity does it take

to kill a human being?

According to the internet, 50 milliamps.

Fifty milliamps of current is the beginning

of the lethal level. From what I understand,

only a small fraction of humanity dies at 50.

That's when the weak are separated from the herd.

[laughs] That's when a little bit of natural selection

is reintroduced into the population.

That's 50. But at only ten milliamps,

quote, "excruciating pain and partial paralysis ensues."

So, full disclosure, I'm not a certified electrician.

But the way I see it, we got a little over 39 milliamps

to kind of fuck around with.

Why can't we try it? No one's gonna die.

But it's gonna hurt quite a bit.

I wanna reconfigure our classrooms

into electrical grids. I want...

I want a little box at the teacher's desk,

you know, with a system of dials.

-Each... [laughs] -[cheering]

Each dial corresponds to a square patch of floor

that can be electrified to various degrees

based on the twisting of the dial.

Right? You know? A range in like a bingo grid type layout.

Someone's misbehaving in D2, not anymore.

Light him up.

Send a little refocus juice their way.

Four, five seconds, 20, 30 milliamps.

Two weeks of shock therapy, Karate Kid,

he's gonna be focused on testing.

He's gonna be seated, eyes forward, ready to learn.

He might be a little twitchy. [screams]

But mostly focused.

And I want to live in a nation of smarter, twitchier kids.

[laughs]

I do think it's a good thing

for kids to learn about, you know,

real consequences for negative behavior.

I feel like it makes better adults.

I learned about real consequences when I was a kid.

I got punched in the face quite a bit.

I don't know what the stats are and how much you're supposed

to get beat up between kindergarten and eighth grade,

but I feel like I was off the fucking chart.

I'm not sad about it, either.

Because I deserved those beatings.

Right? I possessed a real terrible combination

of having a real smart mouth

and poor defensive fighting skills.

And over and over, I would aggressively verbally

antagonize somebody to their face, you know?

Until they couldn't take it, and then they would snap

and pop me, oftentimes in my face.

And over time I learned, I don't care for that.

They don't like it when I do that.

And it made me a better adult.

I say crazy shit here, but I almost never do out in public.

Right? 'Cause I try to be very polite.

I'm actually very quiet out in society.

You know, try and be respectful of others.

I still think those things that I thought

when I was a kid, but I'm able to keep them inside now

'cause of those early lessons.

I'll have the first thoughts float up, like,

"Oh, you can light 'em up if you said this and this and this!"

But then right behind it, I have another thought

that goes, "That's exactly how you get popped."

You're right, second thought.

I wish all of you could get punched in your faces.

[laughs] I wish you knew what that felt like,

you know, in a real way.

I think you if you carried that feeling through life,

I think people would be more polite out in society,

if they knew if they push shit too far,

might get popped.

If I was in charge,

I would legalize quite a bit more violence.

I would allow us to self regulate a little bit more,

stay out of the courtroom a little more often.

'Cause I don't like it how, you know, pretty much,

unless it's self defense, if you hit somebody,

you're gonna get in trouble.

When I hear about somebody getting hit,

I don't immediately feel sorry for them.

My first thought is actually, "What'd you do?"

Right, sometimes nothing, sometimes quite a bit.

You know, context should matter when it comes to crimes.

You know, a lot more. Like if some guy

at a club later tonight sucker punches a stranger,

that's not okay. That guy should get in a lot of trouble.

Just punching somebody for their own sick amusement.

But what if it's very different?

What if some guy punches some other guy

'cause that guy kept calling his girlfriend

a trashy bitch?

He asked him to stop, he didn't stop,

you know, "One more time, I'm gonna pop you."

He does it one more time, he hits him.

To me, that's not a crime. That's a life lesson.

Right? What made you think you

could just keep antagonizing somebody like that?

[applause]

But I will say, court cases could get more tricky

if we go down this road.

'Cause if you open up the door to more context,

you gotta keep digging in a lot of situations,

find out who really was at fault.

In that last situation, you gotta ask yourself,

yeah, but why did he call her a trashy bitch?

What did she do? Was it warranted?

You know, what if he said that 'cause earlier in the evening,

he was clearly next in line for a drink.

Right, everybody knew it, he made solid eye contact

with the bartender, affirmation nod, his turn.

And then at the last second, she just cuts in front of him

like his life has no value, like he's not even standing there,

he doesn't care for it, he just mutters under his breath,

just, "Excuse you." And she hears that,

and she doesn't like it.

And when she gets her drink, she turns around,

throws it in his face.

Like a trashy bitch would.

And then he calls her out and he gets popped.

That's also not okay.

In that situation, he should be able to legally punch

her boyfriend back five to ten times, crime-free.

'Cause that guy needs to learn a lesson,

that you can't just bring a trashy bitch

out into a bar like there's never gonna be consequences.

You gotta take responsibility for who you associate with.

[applause]

If you're gonna walk out into public with a live grenade,

you gotta hold the pin the entire time.

Let's take it even further.

What if during the ensuing scuffle,

she throws a second drink in the first guy's face?

Should he then be allowed to hit her? No.

No, I don't think so.

But I do think he should be allowed to throw her down

like one short flight of stairs. 'Cause otherwise, what?

She gets to be a drink-flinging trashy bitch

the rest of her life, no consequences?

If you didn't like the last part of that joke, congratulations.

You're sexist.

True gender equality's when both sexes

live under the same fear of being beaten in public.

[cheering, applause]

Equal pay, equal beatings.

That's my favorite thing to say onstage right now.

'Cause of the moral confusion it creates.

The underlying message is actually very good

to what I just said. But the vehicle I choose

to deliver that message is fucking horrific.

"If I laugh, am I supporting domestic violence?

If I don't laugh, am I against equal wages?

Why is he doing this?!"

[laughs] I got a lot of good ideas, you guys.

I should-- I should probably run for office.

-[cheering] -No, I was kidding.

[laughs]

Oh, man, I would never make it.

I don't talk about politics much,

and I'm not gonna talk about it tonight

in any kind of partisan way because I feel like

we get enough of that in the news

on just a daily or hourly basis.

But I was thinking, like, what a weird time it is

to be a politician, like who would want that job right now?

Like it's so polarized. What a strange job

where, best case scenario, you're doing literally

the best job you could possibly do,

about half the country wishes you and your family

were dead.

Like, that's best case.

I don't know why anyone would choose to run right now,

with the cross examination culture we live in,

where people like to bring, you know,

something you said 20 years ago and take it out of context

and just, you know, destroy you.

I would be the quickest dismissal

in cross examination history.

[laughs] I have said so many things publicly over the years

that I do, in fact, mean.

I know for some of you it makes the stuff more palatable

if you assume that I'm joking. No, no, no.

These are just statements with occasional laugh points.

One question, I'd be done. They could pull from anything.

Just, "Did you actually advocate throwing women

down short flights of stairs?" "Listen, I was joking.

Yeah, you got me.

Okay. [laughs] Okay, I said it. I said it.

If you looked a little bit further, I actually wanted

to electrocute children in some situations as well.

Show myself out? That's fair. Okay.

That's reasonable."

I feel bad for politicians kind of in general.

I feel like we hold them to unreasonable expectations

and standards.

Like one of the unreasonable expectations is to not lie.

That's a big complaint. Right? That they lie.

They said this during the campaign,

then they got into office and they did something else.

How could they lie? Because that's the only way

you can get elected.

And we have ourselves to blame. We have a democracy,

we need a certain number of votes,

and you cannot get that number of votes

unless you lie a little bit because too many people

are allergic to real brutal honesty.

Right? They just can't handle it.

-They want sanitized honesty. -[applause]

Right? I feel like a lot of people,

when they're claiming to want to hear truth,

what they're really saying is, "I want to hear some truth...

that won't impact my life in a negative way ever.

And magically makes my problems disappear

with very little work on my behalf.

That's the truth I like."

That's not the way the truth works.

At times, yeah, it's very ugly.

You know? The real problem right now no one will ever bring up.

'Cause it will be political suicide

to mention it one time.

Forget about gun control, forget about immigration.

There's another problem underneath a variety

of other problems in this country and others

that would be political suicide to talk about.

And that's the fact that there are quickly becoming

too many people in various parts of the planet.

It's a math equation. Right?

The ball doesn't keep getting bigger.

Right? There's a limited amount of resources.

You can't keep pumping out at an exponential rate

shithead after mouthbreather after non-contributor,

and expect a pleasant ecosystem

to enjoy in perpetuity.

You also can't win an election on a pro-death platform.

That's a tough sell.

That's a delicate campaign speech to deliver

if you're like, "I can fix some stuff,

but I'm gonna have to get rid of about 90 percent of you.

Vote for Cummins, and you probably will die."

That's a terrible bumper sticker.

But I have thought about who I'd get rid of if I could.

Right, just to make life better for those who remain.

I feel like the first group, hopefully,

is one you can all get behind tonight.

If you push back on this, it's gonna get fucking awkward.

Violent pedophiles, level three sex offenders,

I think we can do without that. I think...

-[cheering, applause] -You can't cure it.

How weird would that be if everyone was like, "Boo!"

And just got up and left.

"I paid my dues!"

No, but you can't cure it, you know?

I used to think the best you could do is juts like

remove the threat. But I think we could do one better.

I think we could remove and monetize the threat.

What I would like to do is take dangerous sex offenders,

put them on an island with nothing but other sex offenders,

GoPro cameras, and hungry lions.

Very Hungry Lion Island would be the highest rated

reality show in television history.

That's a ratings goldmine.

A lot of ad money. Mm-hm.

We use that money for education initiatives,

victims groups, we could create profitable spin-offs

like Pit of a Thousand Badgers.

Super Horny Gorilla Cage. That's must watch TV.

"Find out who faces Bobo's wrath tonight."

What about the guy who never has time to get a job

but always has time to get five, six different women pregnant,

not help raise the kids.

Congratulations, you're gonna be a contestant

on America's favorite new gameshow.

It's called Beauty or Blender. Here's how it works.

You're gonna be forced to stick your dick

in a hole in the wall.

On the other side of that wall is either a beautiful woman

who may or may not be turned on,

or a blender that is for sure turned on.

Here's a little show secret: there is no woman.

It's all blenders all the time.

I just have to pretend 'cause it's hard to market

a show called Blender or Blender.

[laughs] Another group would be anybody who works at the IRS.

You're gonna be put in a cell...

-[applause] -[laughs] Already onboard. Yeah.

You're gonna be put in a cell, you're gonna be given

just enough food to live on before taxes.

Prior to being able to enjoy any particular meal,

you're gonna have 25 to 40 percent of that meal removed.

And you're gonna slowly wither away and die

like all the ma and pa stores you nickel and dimed into death

to pave the way for those tax loophole-loving

-big box motherfuckers. -[cheering]

That own America.

I feel like the pro-death movement's picking up

some steam right now.

Another group I'd like to get rid of,

the last one I can talk about tonight,

is anybody who came to this evening's show

and initially was having a good time,

and then they just kind of let one silly joke

just rub them the wrong way and just...

sat there and stewed the rest of the evening.

"I don't like it. He needs to get rid of it. Oh!

Oh!

God didn't like it either. He's gonna burn in hell.

Semicolon.

Or maybe God has a sense of humor.

Maybe God cares less about arbitrary rules

and cares more about effort and intention

and just wants us to do our best,

help each other when we can, love our friends and family

with everything we've got, and raise our kids

to do the same, exclamation point!

Hail Nimrod. Thank you guys so much. Hope you had fun.

-Thank you guys very much. -[cheering, applause]

I appreciate it. Thank you.

Oh, thank you guys so much. Seriously.

[rock music plays]

Hey, guys. So I did what you asked.

I made a bunch of jokes

acting like you guys are totally not real.

They laughed. I think they bought it.

So hopefully Satan will honor his part of the deal

and let me have a funny special.

'Cause that was what I gave my soul for. Okay.

Okay-- okay, good.

And you know, I don't know if it's too late,

but I feel like I should have asked for more.

Like just like fame and fortune...

I feel like I did a lot of the work on making...

the special good, I just...

Hey, what do you guys do in those tunnels?

What do you eat? Like human despair or flies?

[rock music plays]