Original subtitles

I heard you got rid of your testosterone -filled cologne.

Indeed I did.

Does that turn you on?

Sam, you'd have to get rid of a lot more than that to turn me on, you shallow

jerk. Shallow? Me?

Me?

Shallow?

Yes, uh, you.

Shallow.

Very good.

Big caveman.

Very funny, baby.

Look, what does it take for a guy to get through to you?

Have to buy some salt and a good powder. It'll just get through that icy top of

the land.

Carla.

Why does that thing bat think I'm shallow?

Hey, Sam.

You left your mirror in breakfast.

Thank you, Woody.

Wow, maybe she's right.

Maybe to show her how bad I really want her, I'm going to have to sacrifice

something. Something that I really love.

About... Start with my Bartash.

Everyone knows how much I love those.

I was thinking more along the lines of hair care products.

Carla!

I'm going to give those to you.

Sam! I don't know what to say.

These are your hair products.

They're a big part of you.

It's like having a big, thick, plastic piece of you.

I'm going to go put these on my nightstand.

Thanks, Sam.

Don't mention it.

Hey,

can

I get a beer there, Sammy?

Coming up.

Probably not fluently.

You think I'm so stuck on myself.

I just gave away all my hair care products.

Well, that is wonderful.

Well, I'm a wonderful guy.

And not shallow.

I think you're missing a point, Sam.

I think you're missing my point, Diane.

You gave away your hair care products.

So what's the big deal?

The big deal?

The big deal is this baby goes south at midnight faster than Hall & Oates sex

appeal.

That's the big deal.

It's not enough, Sam.

I'm like a fine, beautiful Rousseau painting, and you're more like a Captain

Caveman coloring book.

There's just no chemistry.

And besides, you have a gaggle of floozies at your beck and call.

And in my book, that's a faux pas.

And Sam, I've read many books.

Many.

Mr. Peterson, is there anything else I can get you?

You got a muzzle for Mrs. Peterson?

No muzzle, anything else?

A muzzle for beer, huh?

How about another beer, Woody?

And while you're at it, could you call Mrs. Peterson and tell her to stop

barking at the neighbors?

Sure thing.

Woody?

I want to give you this.

Okay Sam, this is your little black book.

Really? Really.

I don't need it anymore.

From now on, I'm a one -woman man.

Thank you. This is great.

Cool. I noticed.

But this is perfect timing because my mother and father are coming in from

Indiana and I wanted to take... You know, a date out on a big night out,

Showing that little country boy he's become a big city man.

Yeah, where are you taking him, Woody?

Well, Chuck E. Cheese.

It's half -priced pizza now.

Chuck E. Cheese.

There's a note here.

It says, ready, willing, and double jointed.

Exactly what does that mean?

It means she loves half -priced pizza, Woody.

Hello, Melody?

Hey, this is Woody. It's Sam's friend.

Oh, yeah, he's fine.

Oh, I don't know. I'd have to ask him. Hey, Sam, do you still do that thing

your tongue where you flick it super fast?

No.

He says no.

So I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me later.

Well, that is fantastic news. I'll see you at Cheers.

Uh -huh.

Oh, as long as they...

All right, black.

Carla, hell, is that you?

I guess you're not as dumb as your nickname, stupid, led me to believe.

Oh, thanks for that, Carla.

What can I get for you?

Your number.

I'm not into vaginas unless they look like penises.

But I can learn.

Wow,

these new hair products really work.

I want you and your hair.

You sound like my ex -husband just before he left me.

Terrible.

Nah, he was a pig, but it turned me on.

Hey, Nomi, I found some nuts we can share.

I've been waiting for this day.

There's a lot more I can do with this now.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Go back to men now.

You basically told me that you wouldn't sleep with me because I'm infatuated

with my car. I smell.

I'm shallow.

I'm with too many women.

I give up all of that, and you still won't sleep with me.

Why, you ignoramus. I won't sleep with you because I hate you. You hate me? I

hate you.

You got your head so far up your ass, you're becoming a brunette.

Do you know what the difference is between you and a complete moron? No.

Ten letters.

angry. Oh, I hate you so much!

You hate me so much? You are the most inept, inane, superficial... Will you

speak English?

I hate you with every bone in my body. You make my skin crawl.

You thicken me.

Are you as turned on as I am? More.

I'll take it just like that.

Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

that's fucking good. Oh,

shit. Oh,

shit.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Fuck.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

It's so fucking good.

Holy shit.

Oh, God damn.

Oh, yeah, I'm close.

I'm fucking close.

So the tube goes up your ass and the germ will actually run through the tube

into your ass.

Closing time, you guys.

Closing time.

Y 'all have a good night.

Never seen them in here before.

She's got a nice ass.

Boyfriend looked a little gay, though.

Yeah,

it'd been about three o 'clock. I'd have been all over that.

Good night,

Woody. Good night, Beth.

You too, Bonnie and Wade.

Get out of here!

Looks like it's about that time, Cliff.

It wasn't time?

Nope. Time for Vera to speed him before she hibernates for the winter.

Night, Mr. Peterson.

Night, Woody.

Night, Mr. You gonna take that cup with you?

Too much. We do.

Good night.

So, uh, you still think I'm a gorilla?

Yes, but a sexy one.

I guess I can live with that.

Good night, Woody.

Good night, Shaw.

Good night.

Remember, condoms and seatbelts to be safe.

You must be Melanie.

Actually, Melanie couldn't make it. She asked me if I'd like to come meet you.

What did you say?

here, so I said yes.

Well, that's fantastic.

It's nice to meet you.

We have dinner reservations at 10.

Do you like whack -a -mole?

No.

I was thinking I'd like to play whack -a -woody.

Well, what about skee -ball?

How about we stay here and get to know each other a little more intimately?

Okay. I'll go first.

Okay. I'm from Indiana.

I live on a big farm. I have a hilarious cow named Giggles.

It's the first stand -up comic in Indiana.

That's not what I meant.

Oh? No.

I'll explain it to you a little more slowly.

Do you like these?

They're pretty good.

You get to know them a little more intimately.

Are you serious?

We're

really

doing this?

That's what you meant.

Thank you.

Oh, come on, baby.

Thank you. Thank you.

That's it.

God damn it. Actually...

Listen to me.

I'm pointing at you.

Oh, there we go.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. You like my titties? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, that's it. Oh, fuck yeah. That's it. Fucking fuck.

That's it.

Oh,

yeah.

You look so good.

You know what I like when it comes out.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, come on.

Oh, fuck that little fucking pussy.

Yeah, that's it. Right there.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, come on, baby. Come on. You're good.

Yeah.

Fucking pussy, stick it back in there so you can take it out.

Take it out.

Oh, fuck you.

Oh my God, that shit looks so good, baby.

Oh my God.

Oh my God, that cute little fucking pussy waiting for your fucking big cock.

Can you see that?

Oh, you see that whole? Okay, come on, come fucking.

Come on, let's play a little fucking game. Hide the fucking salami bitch.

on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right there.

I'm glad you're making that pussy.

Yeah, I saw that blood rushing down there because it's so fucking hot for

blood. Pussy? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's better.

This poor pussy just wants your cock. This poor pussy.

Yeah. This shit makes you rich. Yeah, nice and rich with your big fucking

He fucked that little pussy.

Yeah.

Oh, baby.

You like that?

You like that? Turn around. Come on.

Come on.

Stick it in there.

Titties.

I don't

know.

fucking load.

Oh my God.

Geez, that was great.

Yeah, you farm boys really know how to roll around in the hay.

You know?

I don't think I caught your name.

I'm Rebecca Howe.

Who did I talk to about buying this place?