Original subtitles

I'm just so happy that you're you.

There's so much of you inside of me.

I hope that part of me is inside of you too.

Every time your door unlocks, I'll be standing there with my

big box.

Waiting for my chance to blow you away.

I'm just so happy that you're you.

Good morning, world.

Good morning, fridge.

Good morning, coffee machine.

What's that?

That's Rose's morning wake -up song.

She thinks if she doesn't sing to the coffee, it won't want to be brewed.

As you get older, you're supposed to get smarter. She must have been a really

dumb kid.

Good morning, ladies.

I made some coffee. Would anybody like some?

Depends. Do I have to talk to it?

Well, Dorothy, where are you headed off to?

Well, girls, I have good news.

Remember my friend Jean?

Well, she wants to make a surprise visit, so she called me last night, and

going to pick her up from the airport.

Well, that is exciting.

Oh, Pussycat, that's great.

That is the most excellent news.

What? Don't you remember the last time she came?

No.

But that was then.

This is now.

I mean, if now was then, then now would be a lot more frightening than the then.

But it's not. It's now. So now is the most exciting news.

Was any of that in English?

I think she swallowed something very sharp and it floated up to her brain.

I'm going to call the ambulance.

I put all the sharp objects in the house away.

Remember, I hid them from Rose.

I can't believe you don't remember what happened last time she visited.

That was 20 years ago. I can barely remember 20 seconds ago.

Hey, wait a minute. Wasn't I calling somebody?

Tell us what happened.

I can't believe you don't remember.

Yes, honey, tell us.

It started way back when we first became roommates.

Good morning, world.

Good morning, fridge.

Good morning, coffee maker.

Good morning, Rose.

Good morning, ding -a -ling.

Good morning, ladies.

Girl, I have great news.

You finally got that vibrator to stop making that loud whirring sound.

You can hear that?

Your deaf cousin Lorenzo can hear it in Naples.

So what's the good news, Dorothy?

Did that cute landscaper ask for my phone number?

I'd like to whack his weed if you know what I mean.

It means you're a slut.

Now, if anybody would listen to me, my good friend Gene is coming into town.

Well, that's great, Dorothy.

Wow, that's almost as good as finding out that you got the vibrator fixed.

It sounds like you're watching an episode of Airwolf.

Rose?

Honey?

What's wrong?

I'm so happy for you, Dorothy.

Have you forgotten that you're a bad liar?

No.

Look, I don't want to hurt your feelings, Dorothy.

But we all remember the last time that she came.

And she developed those lesbian feelings for me.

And it's kind of uncomfortable.

Oh, Rose, I'm sure she's past that by now.

You know, she's just... Coming out of that relationship and with having a

time, she was very vulnerable.

You guys got on so well.

I assure you it's going to be fine.

I'm sure you're right.

You're right. I know you're right.

It's just that it reminds me so much of Juergen and Stefan Flanelherger.

Oh, Jesus.

Juergen and Stefan, they were twins in St. Olaf.

They were the best -looking boys in the whole town. And, like, the girls just

went wild over them.

Wow.

One morning, they woke up to find out that their prize ox, Snur, had been

stolen. Well, I mean, I can imagine what kind of a big deal that was.

Snur was amazing.

He won the blue ribbon at the Inger Animal Festival every year.

And he was doing a dancing box in the three counties.

He had a pretty pen in the color of that.

So cute.

And they were dancing around. He had this little top hat.

What's the point?

Well, Dorothy, I mean, the point is... You have had stolen.

Because the boys, they snub somebody's advances.

Jean is not going to steal your ox. You don't have an ox to steal.

I have a ceramic ox.

Now, Rose, I've known Jean as long as I've known Dorothy.

She's not going to force herself on you if you're not interested. Besides, she's

probably found someone a little more brainy.

Like Lassie.

I think everything will be just fine, Rose.

Besides, I don't get those lesbians.

Why would you possibly want to be with another woman when there are all those

men out there?

Those real strong men with their hair and their muscles.

And then there's just tiny helpless little you. Blanche, that's enough.

Did I get carried away?

Say, what are you... think the odds are that we can turn jean turn her you know

onto men what are you slutty and stupid you can't teach an old dog new tricks

but what if you can teach it to crave penis plants i'll grow up rose

besides i think i can do it i bet if i surround her with young good -looking

boys like the ones that i can find she'll be changing teams in no time at

And where do you think you're going?

Well, I have a few phone calls to make.

Rose, honey, there's no more dust to dust.

I know.

I'm just so nervous.

I know I don't have any reason to be.

Look at who I have.

Hi, Sophia.

It's so good to see you.

Hi, Jean. It's good to see you, too.

Actually, it's nice to see anybody when you get to be my age.

Oh, Mom.

Hi, Jean. How are you? You look great.

You look good enough to eat.

I mean, um...

Eat, eat with.

Have a lunch sometime.

It's okay. You look great, Blanche.

Oh, yeah,

I do, don't I?

How about I just take your bag off to your bedroom?

And Ma and I will go to the kitchen and get you something to eat and then

something to drink. I know it's been a long flight.

Why do I have to come?

Hi,

Rose.

Hi, Dean.

Kind of awkward, huh?

No, I figured it would be.

Listen, Rose.

I just want to... be up front with you.

I think you're fantastic, and I don't want anything more than friendship from

you.

You know, last time I was going through a lot of problems, but you made me laugh

like no one's made me laugh since Pat.

I just want to let you know that. I just want to be a friend.

I'm so happy that you explained that to me.

Welcome. I'm so happy you're here. It's so nice to see you.

I hope you understand why I was so standoffish, but I don't exactly know

people do these sorts of things.

I don't know how it's sort of things that you do.

Listen, I'm going to go and put my bags away.

Oh, yeah, of course. That'd be great.

Okay. Okay.

And listen, even though...

I wouldn't ask for anything more than just friendship, but if something were

arise, you know, that becomes more than that, I mean, it's always on the table.

Just as late.

Oh, dear.

You order delivery?

Well, that sure was quick.

We always respond quickly to your calls, Mrs. Devereaux.

Well, yes, you do.

So, um, where's the broken sink?

There is no broken sink.

Oh, shut up, Dorothy.

Follow me.

The sink is this way.

You must have to have long fingers to get into all those drains.

Um, I guess.

I don't know what happened.

One minute it worked fine, and the next minute it wasn't draining at all.

And little old me, I can't fix it myself.

Are you sure the other lady couldn't help you fix it? You look capable.

No, her hands are way too big to go down the drain.

I think I see what the problem is.

Looks like you got something stuck in there.

It looks like a ceramic ox.

A ceramic ox?

Well, how bizarre is that?

How do you think it got down there?

Would you just take a look at that?

Do you see those big muscles?

Yes, I see them. They're rippling away.

Wouldn't you just like to sink your teeth into them?

Could you just imagine his sweaty chest pressed against yours?

Um, Blanche, you do know that I'm a lesbian, right?

All the time?

Yes, Blanche, all the time.

Little buns, they don't do nothing for you.

Nada.

Damn.

This is going to be tougher than I thought.

You know, I think I'll give you some privacy, and I'll be back later.

OK.

Got it.

Well, aren't you just a peach?

You should get the strangest thing shoved in your pipes, Mrs. Amaral.

have a good way of extracting them.

How much is this going to cost me?

Let's just say this one's complimentary.

Just leave me a tip.

Now, Scotty, a tip wouldn't be fair.

You've got to let me take that shaft all the way down to the balls.

Ooh.

back here through.

You want to fuck the back of my throat for me?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's a good girl.

Get her nice and ready for that tight little pussy, baby.

You want to fuck my little fucking pussy? Yeah.

Such a pretty tasty pussy. I want to fuck it so good.

Yeah. Oh, fuck.

That's a good girl.

Yeah, I want you to lay back.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, these two are quick.

Oh my God, let me suck this hole, baby.

Yeah, my little fuck toy hole.

Yeah, I want to fuck this hole.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh,

yeah.

Yeah, fuck, good.

Yeah.

Just like that.

Yeah.

Yes, yes. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah,

right there.

Fuck me a little bit.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, right there, baby. Fucking good.

Oh, yeah.

Give me the fucking dick.

Oh, yeah.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, yeah.

Get that fucking little hole off. Yeah.

Oh, shit. Oh,

yeah, fuck me good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

shit. This feels so fucking good.

Yeah, yeah, fucking use that goddamn hole.

Fucking good.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, shit.

Oh. Oh,

shit. Oh, let me suck my pussy juice.

juices all over your cock.

Dirty little slut.

Oh, there you go.

Fuck you like that, baby. Yeah, I feel good on your back.

I love opening my legs like a dirty slut for you.

There you go.

Good little slut for you.

You like coming over and fucking me?

Oh my god, I love looking at that dick in my pussy.

Yeah, yeah, just like that.

Yes, yes.

Fuck yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you like that?

Yeah? Fucking push my hips up on that dick. Yeah?

Oh, yeah, right there.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah? Yeah?

flip over.

be your fucking cum dumpster.

Oh, yeah, you fucking lip -syncing ass so good.

Yeah, you little fucker.

You like that, baby?

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, this is a good fucking tip for you.

Oh, yeah.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Oh,

yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit. I love being your little fuck toy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You want to get behind me and fuck me, baby?

Yeah? Bend me over that fucking table and fuck me like a dirty little slut.

Yeah.

Give me that nice, hard, stiff cock.

Mm -hmm.

There you go. That's fucking perfect, baby.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah.

There you go.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

Yeah. There you go.

Fucking pound my little fucking juice box.

Yeah, right there.

Oh, yes.

Yeah. Yeah, you like me holding it open for you so you can get deep in there?

Yeah, you want to see it?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, right there. Tell me you're good, baby.

Tell me you're good with that big hard cut.

Spread my pussy hole for you.

Fuck me so fucking good.

Yeah, you like using me for your little slut.

There you go. Fucking bend me over and bang me real good on the fucking table.

Yeah.

Come get it.

Yes.

Yes.

I wonder what I can stick in my pipe the next time you want to come over.

Next week.

Maybe an apple.

Banana.

Maybe Rose's shoe.

The sink is broken.

Wasn't the plumber just here?

Oh, he sure was.

Somehow, man gets all clogged up right after he left.

I just called him to come back and fix it.

I bet you did.

Dorothy, what's the matter?

Blanche, you can't keep sabotaging things in the house like the kitchen

because you can't keep your legs closed.

Dorothy! Don't you play that innocent game with me. I know just what you're

doing. You know, I have stood behind you every time somebody has judged you.

But sometimes you just have to call a whore a whore.

I have never been more insulted in my entire life.

And I'll be damned if I'll be talked to like that by anyone.

Clinch.

I am so... Sit down.

And shut up.

I will not sit here and let you judge me like that.

I am a liberated woman.

Do you know the hell I went through in high school trying to beat all the boys

off? There weren't enough...

Now that I don't have to be judged by society, I'll be damned if I'm going to

judged by one of my prudish friends.

Blanche, I am anything but prudish.

The hell you are.

When's the last time you had a man?

I don't think that matters a bit.

That long, huh?

It's been a while.

Okay.

It's been since Abraham Lincoln was in office and people were doing a dance

called the Charleston.

Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?

And it doesn't have to be that way, Dorothy.

You can go out and have any young thing that you want.

You're smart and you're funny and you're a very handsome

woman.

You know what I mean.

You're not tiny and dainty like me.

But some men like their women a little more on the brawny side.

Is that supposed to be encouragement?

I just want to see you go out and have some fun, Dorothy.

Go on, grab that bull by the horns.

Do they have horns now?

Oh, wow.

My, that's a horny bull if I've ever seen one.

You're not suggesting I go out and talk to that hunk of a muscly landscaper,

do you?

Well, I don't see why not.

He's got the three most important things I look for in a potential partner,

which are location, location, location.

And you're in luck.

Because he's about to come inside.

Now, Blanche, I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself.

I don't mean cream pie style, Dorothy. He's coming in the house, not you.

You know, Blanche, you're right.

When he comes in, I'm going to offer myself up to that hunk of a man, and I'm

going to let my freak flag fly.

Yes, Dorothy, that's the spirit.

Now I'm going to leave you alone and give you some privacy.

Just tell me when you're fully redressed so I don't have to see you in your

birthday suit, considering you've worn it for so many birthdays.

Well, I make no promises there, because I am the new, liberated Dorothy

Zbornak.

I didn't know you were in here.

Oh, Andy, please call me Dorothy.

It happens all the time. I just go floating in and out of rooms like a

My,

but isn't it a glorious day?

Yeah.

Is there something I can do for you?

Oh, I just...

I wanted to have a chat with my favorite landscaper and see how he's doing.

I'm... I'm doing fine.

How are you?

Thank you so much for asking.

Well, truth be told, Andy, if I'm not just a little bit lonely, I'm stuck

up in a house with three...

Old. Old lady.

Come on, they're not that old. They're old as dirt.

But me, I'm full of youth and vim and vigor.

You're full of what? And vinegar?

Never mind.

I just want to be able to have a conversation with someone that's...

young and smart, active.

You know, Andy, somebody who's a little bit more on my level.

Do you understand?

Mr. Fournette, I mean, Dorothy, I apologize if I'm a little off base here,

are you flirting with me?

Was it that obvious?

It's pretty bad.

Okay, I'm going to go in the kitchen, put my head in the oven, because that's

just the way I wanted to die of embarrassment.

Wait, you're going to get all dry and shriveling.

Excuse me? Your head.

Don't put your head in the oven.

No one will be there to take it out. All the juices will leak out.

And no one will probably be there to baste it.

I'm landscaping to pay my way through culinary school.

So I'm just saying that don't put your head in the oven.

It's a nice head.

God help me.

Did you just reciprocate my advances?

If you're asking me if I was flirting with you, then yes.

I'll take this.

Okay.

Yeah.

You're cocking me.

Yeah.

Good right there.

Yeah. Fuck me like that. Yeah, like that.

Yeah, look.

Zing!

Yeah.

Can I sit on your lap?

Fuck.

I don't like that. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fuck. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck me hard. Fuck me hard. Yeah.

Yeah.

I love young cock.

That was so much fun. I know.

Oh, my God, Sophia.

I'm so sorry.

We didn't mean to startle you.

Can you come in a little louder next time? I don't think the neighbors were

fully aware of your arrival.

I'm sorry, Sophia. It's just Rose and I get together, and we just laugh and

laugh.

Well, anyway, I think I'm going to go catch a few winks. All that free sample

hopping at the food court has tired me out.

See? I told you there ain't such a thing as a free lunch.

Leave it to Rose.

Oh, Sophia.

What am I going to do?

Well, I tried taking some Pepto.

No, not about that.

It's about Jean.

What about her?

Well, she's wonderful and kind and marvelous,

and she really listens to me.

I mean, more than anybody else has ever since Charlie.

So she's slightly deaf.

She's graceful.

Beautiful. She laughs with me, not at me.

I don't know. I think I could be falling for

her.

You sure it's not gas?

Sophia, I'm serious.

I'm scared.

What am I going to do?

Rose, listen.

Picture it.

Sicily, 1962.

A young girl goes out into the streets like she does every day.

And what is she selling, you ask?

Well, pepperonis, of course.

The biggest, juiciest, plumpest pepperonis in all of Sicily.

The townspeople went crazy for her pepperonis. She was constantly out of

However, she grew weary of the pepperonis, and she craved something

less spicy.

So, one day, she decides to do something different. And what is it she does?

she decides to make donuts.

So she toiled for hours early in the morning for all of her friends and

neighbors and made dozens and dozens of these donuts.

But sometimes they were too hard.

Sometimes they were too soft.

Sometimes they were too sweet.

Sometimes they were not sweet enough.

It was a complete disaster.

Downs people clamored for her pepperoni.

So... She gave up the pastries and went back to the pepperoni.