Original subtitles

Someone told me we're friends like these, not like at Nate.

You hang them, bang off them, these friends go away.

It's friends, a triple X parody.

Everybody gets laid.

Everybody gets laid.

These friends love to screw.

These friends finally score.

And then what happened? Well, I came home from work early, and I heard some

strange noises in the bedroom. So I investigated, and I caught Carol

me. Whoa!

That's horrible.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Was he, uh... Was he bigger than you?

Joe! How can you ask that question?

Of course it's bigger than Ross.

Oh, yeah.

No, that's the thing. It wasn't a man.

It was a woman.

Jackpot? It's not a jackpot. This is the worst day of my life.

Are you kidding?

She swings both ways?

You gotta have more threesomes than... You know, that guy that has a lot of

threesomes. No, she said she didn't want to have sex with men anymore.

I'll never get her back.

That's not true.

You just have to remind her why she fell in love with you in the first place.

No.

Why would that?

Come on, you're just giving false hope.

So?

No offense, but you're not even a straight woman's couple to me.

But a lesbian's?

You're screwed, buddy.

Hey, so you guys excited?

About the wedding.

Sandler and I are getting married next week.

Oh, the wedding.

Oh, come on, guys. Did you guys really forget our wedding?

I think it's more like we blocked it out.

Oh, come on. It's going to be fun.

I got arrangements of rare orchids for the table center pieces.

I got kind of many keys for the appetizer course.

And an open bar.

We're there.

Yeah.

So... Sandler, just one quest remains.

What do you like for the bachelor party?

Blonde?

Brunette?

Redhead?

Bald? Joseph!

Not in front of the U2J Iceway?

I don't know, Joe. Don't you even think about it. You think a bachelor party is

all fun and games, huh?

Well, who's having fun when Sandler comes home on our honeymoon with grabs?

Yeah, besides, bachelor parties are stupid.

I don't want one of those.

You mean that true?

Of course.

Baby, that means so much to me.

So, Russ, what's the matter? Are you excited?

Yeah, great. Just a reminder of a failed marriage to a lesbian.

That's exactly what I need.

Speaking of that...

Definitely don't look behind you right now.

Oh, come on.

God, I know couples are happy.

Well, I think true. It's a beautiful thing.

Right, Santa?

Santa, are you listening to me? Huh? Yeah.

Yeah, right, yeah. Well, then what did I say?

Um, oh, hey.

Remember that thing that I wanted to show you back at the apartment?

No, not really.

Yeah, that thing.

Sorry guys.

What

is

it?

Look at this.

Whoa, where'd you get the tent spike?

Oh, I guess you're just so hot I can't control myself.

You wanna have premaritals?

Oh boy, you really know how to make a girl moist.

Like that, yeah.

Like

that.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, yeah.

oh oh

Yeah.

I will get some more.

oh oh

oh

Ooh.

Oh.

Thank you.

Cheer up, Ruff.

There's other vaginas in the sea.

You and Rochelle would be perfect together.

Yeah, too bad he jizzes in his pants every time she talks to him. No, I

Aw, that's so romantic.

So romantic.

You should see what happens if you spend on underwear.

Oh, oh, here she comes now. Be cool.

Cool?

Hey, guys, did you do anything tonight?

Duh.

Tonight's the night of the big party. Uh,

what big party?

Yeah, what big party?

Oh! Um, I get confused. I was talking about my AA meeting.

I didn't know you had a drinking problem feast.

Oh, yeah, me?

Big drunk.

Huge. And a nympho, too.

Total slut.

Totally. Wait, what?

Well, I'm actually part of a group that, uh...

I could probably help you out with that problem of yours.

Joe, are you a recovering sex addict?

Yeah.

We hold meetings in my bedroom every night at 6 o 'clock.

I know I'll see you there. What?

You're an idiot.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, Rochelle, ask Russ how his coffee is.

Okay. Russ, how's your coffee?

Oh, it's good.

So Phoebe, you wanna go bang each other?

Okay.

Hey, wait.

What's all this about some big party?

Nothing. If you don't tell me, then I'm gonna tell Monica about the time you

accidentally dropped toenail clippings in her cereal.

Okay, okay.

We're throwing a bachelorette party for Monica.

Promise you won't tell Sandler.

What?

I thought Monica said that Sandler couldn't have a bachelor party.

What's the big deal?

She needs one last fling before she willingly locks herself in the shackles

marriage. What a hypocrite. Hey, I don't think this is cool either, but she

didn't talk about her weight. That's just mean.

She's having a party. We're going to have one too.

Yeah.

I'll tell.

If you tell them, we'll tell her that you told us about it. Yeah.

Then I'll tell.

Tell.

Well played, sir.

Well played.

Yeah, party's back on. Don't worry about the planning, Russ.

That's my department.

So what'd you have in mind for it?

Well, first, I'm gonna call up Monica's mom. She is hot.

That's my mom.

Oh, yeah.

So, that's a definite no, then?

All right, all right.

Planning a party's hard work.

So, uh, freebie.

Do you have time to go fuck me before your little AA meeting?

I don't think I can fit you in. Yeah?

You're just going to leave me here?

Okay. Okay.

I'm nervous.

It's been a long time since I've done this.

Hey.

Don't worry.

You remember what goes where.

How you doing?

Jones, you've got to help me.

I know,

only me, only me.

How'd you miss?

I don't know.

What the fuck?

You can figure it out.

See what's in here?

I feel alright.

Why'd you learn that?

You don't want me to practice?

Now you can get your belt on.

Oh, my God.

I don't want to do that.

Mmm.

Mwah!

Hmm.

Did you and Joe just... Ugh!

I only did it to make him forget about the bachelorette party I accidentally

told him we were throwing for Monica.

For what?

Oh, God.

Why can't I just keep my mouth shut?

Or your legs, for that matter.

Hey, freeze.

Check out what I found today.

I was a kind of weirdo. It's your dildo helmet.

Give me that.

What's all this about a bachelorette party?

Sorry, buddy.

Your fiance, he's going to bang a stripper. Oh, great.

So she gets to have all the fun while I've got to worry about flower

arrangements and caterers? It ain't right.

Oh, well.

We're going to throw the craziest bachelorette party this place has ever

know just who to call.

Relax, Monica.

The apartment's clean.

We have a guest coming over. I don't want him to think we're slobs.

Monica, he's a stripper.

I know.

You're right.

I'm just nervous.

What if Sam finds out?

He's not going to find out. Besides, what is so wrong with having one last

of sexy fun while you're still single?

Hey, I know how to have fun, okay?

Do you think we made enough fun?

And the apartment across the way is... Oh my God, he's rubbing grease all over

himself. What's wrong with you? Why are you watching him?

Oh my God.

From the looks of it.

What do you mean?

Please. You've still got cum in your hair.

What were you just doing?

By that she means who?

What were you just doing?

No one.

I mean nothing.

Freebie.

Okay, okay.

I can't take anymore.

I accidentally told Joe about the party.

Now the guys are throwing one too.

Don't hurt me.

Freebie, how could you?

Carol,

why'd you have to leave me?

God, why'd you have to leave me?

Carol?

I'm only here all the time.

What are you doing here?

Well, me and Sandra, we were having some seafood, and we wanted to stop and grab

a cup of red bush tea and some muffins before the Melissa Etheridge concert.

Wow. How did I not know you were gay?

What? I said, you look good. How have you been?

Well, truthfully...

Yeah? I've been thinking a lot. And we were married for three years.

I remember.

And we never once had a threesome.

Didn't we?

Actually, we didn't, did we? And don't get me wrong, I'm totally gay now.

Believe me, she is.

But I always wondered what it would be like.

Oh, this is really awkward.

Hi, I'm Russ.

Thank you.

Oh, God.

Do you want to walk around a bit?

Stand up.

Oh, yeah, that's what she said.

But...

you

Oh yeah.

You want to fuck me?

Yeah, you want to fuck me? There you go. Fuck this pussy.

Oh, yeah.

Harder. Oh, fuck yeah.