Original subtitles

(throat clearing)

(coughing)

(throat clearing)

(coughing)

- Excuse me, Mr. Hanson.

- Yeah?

- Um, I was just wondering if you're always

this talkative in the morning.

- Whatta ya mean?

- Well this is the first time we've spent

the night at your house, and overall,

I've gotta say the nights are much more

exciting than the mornings.

- I like to read in the morning, it helps me wake up.

- I already helped you wake up once this morning,

twice, in fact.

I guess next time I'll just throw you a little book.

- Listen, I have a routine.

I go to the store, I grab a newspaper,

a couple of magazines, coffee, read.

It helps me wake up.

- No talking.

- I'm usually alone.

Why don't you have a magazine, huh?

- Oh, thank you.

- Live a little.

- Oh boy.

- See?

- You're not gonna believe this.

Working out of an abandoned chapel,

this band of kiddie cops invades the city schools

with an enthusiasm usually associated

with the playground at recess.

(tense music)

- Son of a bitch!

- [Jackie] Who?

- Russell Buckins.

- You told a reporter about the Jump Street program?

- I told a friend about the Jump Street program.

- [Jackie] Some friend.

- Dead friend.

(gentle music)

(moves to rock music)

? We never thought we'd find a place where we belong

? Don't have to stand alone, we'll never let you fall

? Don't need permission to decide what you believe

? Ooh, I said jump

? Down on Jump Street

? I said jump

? Down on Jump Street

? Your friends will be there when your back is to the wall

? You'll find you'll need us cause

? There's no one else to call

? When it looks hopeless a decision's what you need

? You better be ready to

? Be ready to jump

? 21 Jump Street

- A Bruce Lee clone who swiped Don Johnson's wardrobe?

Where does your friend get off printing this bull?

It's your fault, man!

- I know, Harry, I'm sorry, all right?

- You're here, so Buckins must be dead, right?

- Go away, I'm a little busy.

Hi, yes, I'm looking for one of your writers,

a Russell Buckins?

Well, this is his cousin.

It's a family emergency.

Yeah, I'll hold.

- Hey, hey, this typical bruiser type who

has fallen off of his motorcycle one too many times.

Is that supposed to be me?

- And what is this about preening in front

of the ladies room mirror?

- Buckins, yeah.

San Francisco, really? - Captain's comin'.

Make a run for it.

- Well, thank you very much.

You've seen it.

- Mag's got a big circulation, Hanson.

Can I see ya in my office a minute?

- Yeah.

- Cap'n, just for the record, you know,

I don't happen to think that you combine

the worst qualities of a drill sergeant

and a male fashion model.

- And just for the record, Penhall, I don't

think that's very funny.

- Well you know, I didn't write it.

It was Russell,

Russell the wienie Buckins!

- (sighing) Hanson, I'm sorry to have to do this,

but you know how the department

feels about this sort of thing.

You're under suspension until an investigative

committee determines just how damaging

this article will be to the program.

- And then?

(gentle music)

- Then you go before a review board.

They'll decide how much of this is your fault,

and what action is to be taken against you.

- Well, Captain, I wish I had some kind of an explanation.

You know, Russell tells me things, I tell him things.

I just, I thought it was understood.

- Yeah, well, sometimes there's no way to tell, Hanson.

All you can do is trust your instincts.

- [Tom] Yeah well, when it comes to Russell Buckins,

my instincts ain't worth much.

- Got it.

- [Tom] Remember the time I got suspended for drag racing?

- [Adam] Yeah, I remember.

Instead of doing your time at the academy,

you took off with that clown.

- [Tom] Yeah, that guy had a way of talkin'

me into anything.

- I'll be honest, Hanson, I never seen anybody

degenerate this fast before.

- What did I sleep on, man?

- I mean, you blow off your job,

you wrestle a bear, you get a tattoo,

I mean, what can I say?

I'm impressed.

- [Tom] How could you let me get a tattoo?

- Heck, will you forget about the tattoo?

- You can't forget about a tattoo, man,

that's the point.

(screaming)

(horn honking)

(tires screeching)

(car crashing)

- Vehicular cowicide, I mean,

is that really on the books?

- That was a $5,500 cow, son,

and you don't have any insurance.

- Well hey, neither did the cow.

I mean, this is a no-fault state, isn't it?

(light music)

- Russell was always a big dreamer and a big talker,

but I never thought he'd actually sell anything.

What kind of stuff do you write?

- Eh, magazine pieces, lifestyle stuff mostly.

- Where do you get your ideas?

- You know, life.

- Yeah, Hanson, unfortunately, he wrote about your life.

You know what you're gonna do?

- I got a pretty good idea.

(classical music)

- So you're here for the wedding, huh?

- What wedding?

- Hunt Samperton's kid, she's gettin' married.

They've been throwin' parties for a week.

I thought that's what you're here for.

- No.

Keep it runnin'.

I'll be right back, okay?

- [Man] May I help you?

- I'm here for the party.

- Have you an invitation?

- Invitation, hey you know what, I left

it in my hotel room.

- Most unfortunate.

I could look through the guest list, Mister, uh?

- Robert Wendell, is that you, boy?

Oh, it must be 15 years if it's a day.

Come with me.

We'll say hello to Elizabeth.

She will be thrilled.

It's absolutely uncanny how closely

you resemble your grandfather.

Yes, it's the same face.

- You know I get that all the time.

Listen, by any chance have you run into a guy

named Russell Buckins?

- Oh, excuse me, Wendell, that's George Woodhouse.

I need to see him for - George Woodhouse

the idiot congressman?

- Oh, let's not be snide boy, it's his wedding, too.

Actually, I heard him give a speech

at his alma mater last month.

He was almost coherent.

I was quite amazed.

George.

George, look who I found wandering around.

- Who?

- It's uncanny.

The boy drifts, just like his grandfather.

(light jazz music)

- Robert Wendell, is that you?

- It's Louise from day camp, remember?

- Day camp, right.

I don't--

- It's okay, it's been a long time.

I never would have recognized you either

if Mr. McKenzie hadn't seen you.

How's Harvard?

- Great.

Harvard's great, it's a good school.

- I've heard, and Monica?

- Monica, actually we broke it off.

Things didn't work out.

- Things didn't work out with your schnauzer?

- Right.

I have a confession to make.

I'm not Robert Wendell.

- No kidding.

Robert's a head shorter and 50 pounds heavier,

but you do look a lot like his grandfather.

- Hmm, Tom Hanson.

- How 'bout you don't give me away,

and I won't give you away?

- Okay.

So what are you doin' in here, you don't like parties?

- Hmm, this seems more like a circus.

- Yeah, I know what ya mean.

The biggest clown's the groom.

- George Woodhouse?

Any woman would kill to marry George Woodhouse.

He's charming, handsome, wealthy.

He's a prize catch.

- Yeah, I guess if you like flounders.

- Ooh, you're cruel.

- Come on, the guy's turned stupidity into an art form.

I mean, you know, would you marry him?

- Well of course I'd marry him.

What else would I be looking for?

- You tell me.

- Well if I was a silly teenager I'd tell you

I was looking for something different.

I don't know, spontaneous, crazy.

- [Tom] Passionate.

- Very passionate.

A guy who cared only about being with me.

The two of us will live on some tropical island

and live on love and coconuts in a grass hut.

- [Tom] It sounds very romantic.

- But I'm a little too adult for that fantasy.

- So you'd opt for the klutzy congressman.

- You disappointed I'm looking for a guy wild enough

to crash a party and pretend he's Robert Wendell?

- Actually, I'm not crashing the party.

I'm looking for someone.

No, no I am.

Maybe you've seen him, a big guy, big mouth,

probably sneaks half the buffet back

to his hotel every night?

- Russell?

You're a friend of Russell Buckins?

I love that guy.

- Do you know where I can find him?

- Los Angeles.

I'm telling you a candidate like George Woodhouse

would hit the jackpot in L.A.

- He's a Republican, a conservative.

I would've thought just the opposite.

- Well sure, he'd miss out on the Jane Fonda vote.

He wouldn't get Cher, but I'm talkin' Bob Hope,

Chuck Heston, Moses for cryin' out loud.

George is a good-lookin' guy.

He looks good in a suit, and I'll tell ya,

that thing he does with the droolin'

on his shirt, people love that.

- Thomas old chum, what are you doing here?

(punch smacking)

Fraternity handshake.

Oh, I love this guy.

Can't wait to catch up on old times.

Whoa, you didn't like the article, huh?

Wait, just let me explain!

Listen, just let me explain!

Tommy, damn it!

I let you explain when I caught you

watchin' my sister in the shower!

- [Tom] Get up!

- Come on, man, I just wanna explain.

- [Tom] Everything's under control.

Everything's fine.

Explain!

- I can't.

You're right.

You're right.

I was up against the wall, and I needed a story.

- You used me.

You didn't care what it did to my department

or to my career.

- It don't mean I don't love ya, Tommy.

Tommy, wait a minute.

I stink, okay?

I'm the stuff you scrape off your shoe.

I'm pond scum.

I know that.

It's a chemical imbalance or somethin',

but believe me, I never meant to hurt you, man,

and that's the truth.

- Fine, then you're gonna come back with me,

and you're gonna explain to the review board

that just suspended me that you're a conniving

slug who sold me out for a few lousy dollars.

- Hey, I made five grand on that article.

- Get in the cab!

- I can't.

- What do you mean you can't?

- Tommy, I got important business here.

Look, just gimme two days, would ya?

I swear, I'll come back.

I'll clear your name.

- You're gonna go back with me now.

- Tommy, I'm doing a major expose on George Woodhouse,

the damn symbol of beauty parlor politics.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

This piece could make my career.

- What are you really up to, Russell?

- Tom, I told you, you know, I'm just doin' an article.

- Come on, I know you.

You got that hungry look on your face.

What is it, you got like kinky pictures of Woodhouse?

Is that what it is?

- No, no, no, Tom, you got me all wrong, man.

I'm a new man.

I'm changing.

- Russell, you're gonna come back with me now,

or I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna tell 'em

what kind of journalist you really are.

- Tom, if you do that then I won't say a thing

to your review board.

- Russell, you know I'm a trained police officer.

If you're not in my office in two days,

I will hunt you down and perform voodoo rights

on your internal organs.

- Oh, what a revolting image.

All right, I'll be there, I'll be there.

Ya got my word.

- I don't know what you're up to, Russell,

but I pity these people.

You've got two days!

Just take me to the airport, all right?

- Must be somethin', huh?

- [Tom] What's somethin'?

- [Cabbie] Louise Samperton back there with your friend.

- [Tom] That's Louise Samperton?

- Yeah, worth 20 mil if she's worth a dime.

- I'm tellin' ya, Tommy and I are best friends.

We always hit each other like that.

It's a, it's a tradition.

Uh.

- Hello again.

- Hello, again.

- What are you doin' here?

I thought you went to the airport.

- I changed my mind, Russell.

- Ugh, you want an egg?

- No.

- Well, shall we go to the other room?

(upbeat music)

(soft jazz music)

Hey Tommy, you tried one of these?

The ones from the box don't even come close.

- Maybe later.

So I was surprised to hear you were

getting married so soon?

- Were you?

- I guess you've given up on love and coconuts.

- Love and coconuts, what are you two talkin' about, Tommy?

- It's an old joke from day camp, Russell.

- [Man] Louise!

- Hi.

- Watch.

- How are you, darling?

- Fine thanks.

- Good.

- I have some friends I'd like you to meet.

- I'm gonna make him stammer.

It's easy.

- [Louise] I was just meeting a friend of Russell's.

- Oh.

- Hi, Tom Hanson.

- George Woodhouse, proud to know you.

- Hey, George, I have a friend at the Enquirer

who's doing a story that says you cheat at golf.

- You're putting me on. (laughing)

- Of course he's putting you on.

- Well he says he has access to scorecards,

caddies who are willing to testify that

you improve your lines without taking any penalty strokes.

- Russell.

- I never, no.

- Well, it doesn't sound like much,

but it's a character issue, you understand, George?

I mean, just go ask Gary Hart about the character issue.

- Well, I, it's just not true.

It's it's it's it's it's

- Just not true?

- Who told you this?

Was it Duckworth?

- George, it's a joke.

He's joking.

- Oh.

- He's right, George, but you didn't know that,

and you were properly indignant.

Good for you.

- Well, a man's golf game should never fall into question.

Wars were fought over less.

- Excuse me, gentlemen, may I have the honor of this dance?

- Of course, Daddy.

- Gentlemen, I am a lucky man.

- You're a doofus.

- You don't have to do it, you know.

In fact, if you have any doubts at all,

I'd rather you didn't.

- Is it that obvious?

I keep waiting to feel something special, something

primal.

I wait, and I hope, and it's just not there, Daddy.

I know I'm just a spoiled brat

who's gotten everything she's ever wanted.

Settling down is the best thing for me.

- Your mother and I,

we had a long, wonderful marriage.

When she died, I tell you from my heart,

I loved her so deeply, so completely,

but when we first were together,

things were very primal.

I think that feeling has to be there first

before the rest can come.

(soft jazz music)

- So, you're doin' a story on a girl

who's worth $20 million.

- No, I'm doing a story on her fiance.

- Uh huh, you know, Russell, if I find out

that you're here to break them up,

I'll sew your eyelids shut

- Hey come on, what kinda guy do you think I am?

Don't answer that, okay?

- I think you're a guy lookin' for a meal ticket.

(throat clearing)

- Excuse me, sir, can I cut in?

- Get lost.

- Don't be that way, Daddy, it's okay.

- Your dad hates my guts, doesn't he?

- He liked it when you got hit.

Is something the matter?

You seem quiet.

- Oh, I can be quiet, too, you know?

- I know.

- I can feel a whole range of human emotions.

- Of course you can.

- Yeah well, tell that to Hanson.

I may not be perfect, but ah

- Oh!

(laughing)

- You're not an animal.

You're a human being?

- Well, I like to think so.

- You know what Russell?

You're loud.

You're obnoxious.

You're a slime.

You make enemies by the metric ton.

- Oh well, look, thanks for cheerin' me up.

I'm just gonna go drink some Windex now.

- You're also unpredictable.

- Well...

- Funny.

Incredibly loyal in a scary kinda way.

Face it, Russell, you are an original.

- Ah, but have you seen this?

Woo, woo, woo woo, woo, woo!

(Louise laughing)

- Vodka, straight up.

- How ya doin'?

- You know, if it weren't absolutely ridiculous,

I might think your friend is trying

to move in on my daughter.

- She would never go for him, would she?

- Never.

- Good.

- So, who are you?

I mean, half this group thinks you're Robert Wendell,

the other half thinks you're some sort of secret agent.

- Actually, I'm just a cop, sir.

Tom Hanson.

- Oh, pleasure, hi, good strong right hand.

You know how to throw it, too.

- Not well enough.

He got up, didn't he?

- (laughing) Still, it's a pleasure to meet

a young man with passion and with red blood

coursing through his veins.

- Yeah, but you know what gets me?

He ruins my life, I come here, I smack him,

he still gets his way.

- Hanson, from what I've seen, a guy like Buckins

just needs a man like you to set him straight.

- Or to stop him.

Here's to it.

- Russ?

Are you okay?

You look a bit green.

- No, no, I'm fine.

George,

well, I'm gonna tell you.

No, I'm sorry.

Never mind.

Forget it.

- Russell,

what is it?

You can tell me.

- George, this goes against every ounce

of journalistic ethics in my body.

- Russell, it's okay.

I consider us friends.

- George, you are marrying into a family

that is about to explode over the front page

of every supermarket tabloid in this country.

- I'm not following you, Russ.

- Hunt Samperton, George.

It has been alleged , and I emphasize alleged,

that his companies are making tens of millions

of dollars selling baby products in medicines.

- That doesn't sound so bad.

- These medicines, these vaccines,

are placebos, nothing more than worthless sugar water.

- My God, that's insidious!

Who's been buying this stuff?

- Third world countries, mostly African.

- Thank God for that.

I mean, it's still horrible, but, but, but, but.

Well in any case, I'll need to do some checking.

- This story might break as soon as tomorrow, George.

- Ah.

- You still have time to shield yourself, George.

You're a good man.

- Russell, now that friend of yours,

the Secret Service man?

That's why he's here, isn't it?

- Maybe it's just a coincidence.

Shh.

- Ah, right.

Louise?

- Emeralds, hi.

- We need to talk.

- Sure.

- I mean, privately.

- Eh, I just got a brainstorm, Tommy.

I'm gonna take all these swells bowling.

They're gonna love it, and then I'll show

'em really how to have a good time.

- You did it, didn't you?

- What?

- These people are fixing up for a wedding,

and then the slime king reared his ugly head.

- Hey man, I don't know what you're talkin' about.

You been drinkin'?

- [Tom] You make me sick to my stomach!

- What kinda thing is that to say?

- Don't play games with me, mister,

because I know you're after that 20 million.

- Hey, that's not true.

- Liar!

- Tom, look man, you're wrong about me.

- Don't try and tell me you didn't break up

this wedding, because I am capable

of uncontrollable violence!

- Look man, I may have said something to put

the groom's situation into perspective,

but believe me, Tom, I did it for the nobleist of reasons.

- Uh huh.

- I'm in love with Louise.

- Don't make me puke.

- No, Tom, I swear it's true.

I love her, and you know, I think she likes me, too.

- Okay, let me ask you a question.

Louise comes to you without a dime,

you still want her?

- Yeah, but she doesn't, Tom.

Can I help that?

- You're a dead man, Russell.

(upbeat music)

So did George say why he canceled the wedding?

- No, he was just acting so weird and evasive.

He said he didn't think it was a good idea

for us to merge at this point.

- Merge?

- I guess he just changed his mind.

- You know, someone might've changed it for him.

- (laughing) You know, it doesn't matter, Tom.

Now that it's over, I can't believe it ever got this far.

- Are you gonna make an announcement?

- Now that I'm not getting married,

I think I could finally enjoy the wedding festivities.

(laughing) Does that make any sense?

- Louise. - Ooh, I feel so in control

of my life, you know.

Everything seems so clear.

What I want.

- Which is?

Love and coconuts?

- And little grass huts.

- You know, George didn't really look like

the grass hut type.

(Louise laughing)

- I want a guy who makes me laugh.

A guy who'll get me a hamster on my birthday

or mow the lawn in his underwear.

I want a guy like Russell.

- [Tom] Russell Buckins!

So you understand what I'm saying, right?

- Yeah, and I can't thank you enough, Tom.

- You know, Louise, it's just, I care about you.

- I know, and you're the only one who's

made me realize how I really feel.

(gentle music)

(upbeat music)

(snoring)

(hand knocking)

- I had to take a cab.

Why'd you leave me there?

- I couldn't find you.

So, what'd you do at Samperton's last night?

- Nothin' much.

- You know, I forgot to ask you.

How's Jackie?

You two sounded pretty serious.

- Jackie's fine, and it's not serious.

- Hmm, well lookit, I think tomorrow morning

we'll get up early, have a little breakfast,

then I'll take ya to the airport, huh?

- I'm not leavin' without you.

- Come on, Tommy, I'll be hot on your heels.

Look, I been thinkin', it's a good idea to get

a head start back there, you know?

Grease the wheels of the review board,

tell 'em what a--

- Slime ball you were for burnin' your best friend.

- That's right, but you should tell 'em first.

- You got a point.

- Atta boy.

- Except there's another party at Louise's tomorrow,

and I thought I'd stay for it.

- Well, I'd like to have ya, I really would,

but I'm just not sure how long I can keep this room.

- Well, Hunt says he's got plenty of room

for me if I need it.

- Yeah, well, Hunt said the same thing to me,

but you know me, I like my own place.

Look, what happened with Louise and Woodhouse was fate.

- Eh, it was sabotage.

- Yeah, but if they were really meant for each other,

than nothing would have shaken them apart.

- Doesn't mean she was meant for you.

- So, it's war.

(classical music)

(dog yelping)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is the pooch okay?

- Why don't you learn how to play the game

before you go hurting an innocent animal, you barbarian!

- Hey, lighten up, lady, at least I didn't

croak the old bag of germs.

- Oh!

- Nice shot.

- Ah, nice outfit.

Why don't you pay a waiter or something.

Get some decent clothes.

You're embarrassing me.

- Hi, guys.

- Hi.

- Tom, you look great, what a wonderful idea.

- Well, thanks.

I thought I'd bring a little color out here.

- Hello, Louise.

- Russell, nice hat.

- I believe it's your shot.

I'll warn the canines.

(throat clearing)

- Is it just me, or is it a little cold for croquet?

- Oh, don't be a wimp, Thomas.

- He's right.

It's damn freezing out here.

- I got an idea.

You folks ever gone bowling?

- Yes, madam.

Oh yes, I believe one is supposed to insert

one's fingers in the holes, madam.

- But what in the world am I aiming for?

- I believe one aims for those bottle-shaped things

at the end of the boardwalk.

(ball thudding)

(man gasping)

Thank you, madam.

- Oy, mummy!

- Ah son, you are my kind of thinker,

innovative, enthusiastic, a real winner.

- Just like his grandfather.

- Plus, he is impressively quick on his feet.

This bowling party was a great idea.

We could use a young man like this, MacKenzie.

- Absolutely, your future's very bright, Wendell.

- That's good to know, sir.

- This was my idea, you thief.

- And a damn good idea it was.

- Listen, Louise, I was thinkin', I haven't

had a chance to talk to you.

Why don't we split this place?

I got us a table at the Tower Club.

- I'm not really in the mood for the Tower Club, Russell.

Tom says that bowling alleys make

the greatest greasy cheeseburgers.

- Can I speak with you a moment, Tom?

You are a slime, man.

Nothing I have done to you, the suspensions,

the tattoos, the time I signed you up for the Navy.

- You did that?

- None of it comes close!

You're movin' in on the only girl I ever loved.

I mean, you're stabbin' me in the back, man.

- How does it feel, Russell?

- Oh wait, so this is what this is.

This is revenge?

I thought I was the only guy that did stuff like that.

- You broke them up.

You left her fair game.

- Yeah, but not so a dead eye like you

can come around and pick her up.

You know, I really love that girl.

- Besides, I've been thinkin', maybe you're right.

- About what?

- Livin' for yourself, not worryin'

about what other people think.

I mean, I bust my butt for a coupla bucks a month.

And you know Louise is, she's a great girl,

but listen, Russell, let's face it, she's very liquid.

- Tommy, this is me.

I'm tellin' ya the truth about how I feel.

You're killin' me, man.

- Doesn't mean I don't love you, Russell.

- Louise, can I talk to you for a second?

- [Louise] Of course.

- Louise, I gotta tell you something,

and this goes against every moral bone in my body,

but I'm gonna tell you anyway.

It's about Tom.

- Oh Russell, you are so lucky.

I've only known him a short amount of time--

- Well, you're probably better off.

- He asked me to marry him.

- I just hope you haven't gotten too attached to him.

He what?

- We're gonna announce it at dinner tomorrow night,

and I want you to be there to share our happiness.

(Russell choking)

(dramatic music)

- [Russell] Thanks for coming, Jackie.

You're doin' the right thing.

- [Jackie] Russell, you begged me.

You were crying.

Now tell me what's wrong with Tom.

- Jackie.

What are you doin' here?

- Jackie, I'd like to introduce you

to the future Mrs. Tom Hanson.

- What?

- While you were down bustin' your butt

in the halls of justice, your boyfriend

was foolin' around behind your back.

- Louise, is this true?

- Yes, Daddy, we were foo,

I mean, Tom has asked me to marry him.

- I don't know why this was kept secret from me,

but I couldn't be happier.

This is a celebration after all.

- Come on, do something.

Fight for your man.

- Tom,

Tom is this what you really want?

- Jackie, I'm really sorry it had to happen this way.

- Well naturally, I'm sorry it didn't work out between us,

but you two look so right together,

I'm sure you'll be very happy.

- Jackie, I'm so glad I got to meet you.

Won't you stay for dinner?

- That'd be wonderful, thank you.

- That's it?

- Dinner is served.

- One more for dinner, Martin.

- [Martin] Yes, sir.

- That's it?

- And how long have you known Wendell?

- Who's Wendell?

- Oh (laughing)

(glass tinkling)

- I would like to propose a toast

to my beautiful daughter Louise and the newest

future member of the Samperton family, Tom Hanson.

May you live happily ever after.

- Here, here.

- Here, here.

(glass tinkling and breaking)

Something on your mind, Buckins?

- There is.

Look, I realize this may not be the most

appropriate time to do this,

as we celebrate Louise and Tommy's engagement,

but

Louise, will you marry me?

- [Louise] (laughing) Russell, you're so funny.

- No, I'm kidding, Louise.

Look, I think, you know, I think I may

have gone about this thing the wrong way.

I just hope it's not too late.

Look, Tom is a great guy, and I love him,

but we have something special, Louise,

something, well you can't put your finger on it.

Something that hits maybe once in a lifetime.

- Russell, you don't care about me.

You just want a rich debutante.

- Louise, I'm not joking.

I love you.

I don't care about the money.

- Don't listen to him, Louise.

He only cares about himself.

- That's not true.

Baby, I'd do anything for you.

I'd even get a real job.

Please,

marry me, Louise.

I'll love you forever.

- Do you mean it, Russell?

- If I'm lying, Louise, may God strike me dead

right here and now.

(tense music)

- Yes, I'll marry you.

- Louise, Louise, what's going on here?

What are you doing?

What about Tom?

- No, no, it's all right, really.

- Daddy, I know this is all kind of a shock,

but I really do love him.

- Louise!

Louise, understand you've just come through

a very distressing period.

Take some time, reconsider.

- I don't need any time, Daddy.

I've got all the time in the world.

(upbeat music)

(hand knocking)

- Come in.

- You wanted to see me, Dad?

- Sit down, Russell.

In the first place, Russell, if you ever

call me Dad again, I will react violently.

In all probability, I will attack you

with some sort of weapon.

- Yes, I- I- I understand, sir.

- Good.

I must admit, you had me fooled.

I had you down simply as some sort of clown or buffoon,

but evidently you must have a great deal more

on the ball to convince my daughter that she

has any feelings towards you.

- Well, I understand how you feel, sir.

You're a,

a rich man, an incredibly rich man.

Obviously, you're worried that I'm only

in it for the money.

- But you're not, are you?

- Do you believe in love at first sight, sir?

(laughing)

Five hundred thousand dollars!

- That's your payoff, Buckins.

Invest wisely, and you can retire on it.

Take it and leave right now.

I'll explain things to Louise.

- I can't take it, sir.

- What's your price, Buckins,

$750,000, $1 million?

- I, I, I, I think I better go.

- No, you can't leave right now.

I haven't finished talking to you.

- Sir, you can't change my mind.

- I guess he really does love you.

- I know he does, Tom.

And now I know he loves me just for me.

- Are you sure you want him, Louise?

I mean, you know Russell Buckins is not

the easiest guy in the world to live with.

- Yeah, he's a strange bird, but he is what I want.

- Good luck.

- Thanks for everything.

- Sure.

- Louise, he is nothing but a goldbricker,

don't you see that?

- Daddy, he's not.

- I'm not, sir, I'm in love with your daughter.

- You're in love with her money.

Louise, I'm sorry.

The only way I know to protect you

in the long run is to cut you off without a dime.

Buckins, know that if you marry my daughter,

she comes to you without a penny.

- Daddy, I know you're trying to help,

but we don't care about money, do we Russell?

- No, the money means nothing to us.

As long as we have each other, we'll live on love.

- In a grass hut.

- A grass hut?

(Hunt sighing)

(classical music)

Woo!

So, you and Louise, the whole thing was a setup, huh?

You two planned this whole number just to

see if my intentions were honorable, huh?

- Well, you know, Louise did.

- Well why'd you do it?

- Revenge.

- Hanson, nice to see you back, man.

- Hey, man.

- I can't believe Buckins actually came

through for you at the review board.

- Well, he's a changed man.

He took all the blame.

He laid it on so thick they

apologized for suspending me.

- Well, congratulations.

- That's great, man.

I mean, it's always nice to see justice served.

- Yeah.

- So where is Mr. Integrity?

- [Tom] Right where I want him.

- [Russell] Honey, I'm home.

- Honey, did you spread the elephant dung

over the garden yet?

- No, dear, but I will as soon as I read

the boxscores for the 35th time.

- Don't worry, Russell, I'm sure the newspaper

will come next month.

Are you happy?

- Oh yes, pumpkin.

- You don't regret any of this, do you?

- As long as I'm with you, sweetheart.

- I feel the same way.

- Uh, honey, have you heard from your father lately?

- No, why?

- Just asking, dear, just asking.

(light music)

Yeah, but I got the girl.

(gentle music)

(moves to rock music)

? Jump

? Jump

? Jump

(fanfare music)