Original subtitles

It was film festival time, and Donnie was determined to at least appear busy

while he waited for his date, or rather his mark, to arrive.

Donnie Blitzer sipped his cosmopolitan and began making conspicuous,

calls from his cell phone.

Someday, Donnie would be powerful and important.

a powerful and important movie producer. He knew it from the time he was 18

years old, for it was at that curiously belated age that the delicate and

frequently bullied Danny Blitzer finally experienced a spiritual growth.

Unfortunately, his manhood did not.

Tony's ludicrously lilliputian tool was an embarrassment, but it served as a

catalyst for his burgeoning drive and ambition.

In other words, The secret of Donnie's impending success was a small one.

Four inches, to be precise.

Actually, make that three and a half.

Ah, too cheap.

Oh, way too cheap.

Okay, baby, hang on.

Morning.

Morning.

You know, I never thought I'd be saying this, but I have read all your books.

I am your proverbial biggest fan.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Yes! Yes!

Oh, I can't believe it. Yeah.

I'm having trouble grasping it myself.

Oh.

Sorry, I thought it was okay, right?

Frankly, I've been vaccinated slower.

What?

Oh.

Hi.

What'd you say your last name was?

Uh, Garrus. G -A -R -U -S.

Oh, right.

Garrus.

Oh, geez. Will you look at the time?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, before I go, I was just wondering, do you think maybe you could sign my

book for me?

You know, I don't really do that anymore.

Oh, no, I know that. I was just thinking that since we just... Sorry.

No trophies.

We're not here.

Leave a message.

Pick up, it's Lionel.

I know you're there. You're getting ready for your date with the mystery

Probably putting on makeup.

Understated, of course. Touch of color.

So we'll know you're not sapphic.

You've probably got everything in your wardrobe out. Trying to choose between

the gapped khakis and the raw silk sweater, or the regular gal blue jeans

the classic white t -shirt.

It's my bet that you've settled on the short clad skirt that you erroneously

think makes your ass look smaller.

the black bugger me boots, and incongruously paired it with a chiffon

-through man -eater black blouse.

Fuck off.

Aha!

Literary bon mots from the writer.

Oh, yeah, I'd love to cut you to the quick, but I've got to quickly cut my

toenails if I'm going to sport these bugger me boots.

Are you wearing them?

Why? Are they ridiculous?

Well, not necessarily.

Is the skirt too short?

Do you think it makes me look unseemly? Not since Danny Blair have I heard this

diminutive quaver in your little voice.

Is this girl ridiculous or what?

Well, Jack, you really don't have time to fret about it.

Oh, shit.

All right.

I'll see you tonight, okay? Unless he's gorgeous.

No.

Who the hell are you?

Are you turning left, sweetheart?

Are you?

Sally!

Moron.

Come on.

Oh, great.

Rain. Perfect.

Okay, Belle, anytime you're ready. Come on.

Oh, you fucking fuck fuck.

The meeting's so nice, I showered twice.

I must look ridiculous.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Pod, I need a smoke.

Oh, perfect.

Thanks. Now, you know I don't always look like Gene Kelly after the 30

take. I promise you I looked nearly respectable, what, 30 seconds ago.

What can I get you?

I'm going to have a low -fat latte and a blow -dryer, please.

Huh?

I'll just have the low -fat latte, thanks.

Nice girl. I like the way she kind of cracks her head like a chicken when

trying to comprehend something.

It is great to finally meet the only decent writer in my group. I have to

your trenchant words fortified me, helped me soldier on when I had to wade

through the muck of the other submissions.

You know you kind of resemble the description of your protagonist, which

me to believe that your novel is autobiographical, except for the part

about the two sisters seducing you. Well, I don't know. I just don't buy it.

mean, that little threesome had to be pure fantasy.

I'm sorry, but I have no idea who you are.

What?

Aren't you Patrick?

No, I'm Svee.

Svee? Svee.

And you are?

Well,

I'm flabbergasted.

So, tell me, Svee, did you get dropped in a fjord when you were younger?

Something did not occur to you that I was supposed to be meeting somebody?

Yes, I just wanted to see what you were going to say next. Oh, well, that's just

PC. I guess he couldn't wait, which is just as well that he didn't think this

way.

I don't know. I think you look kind of cute. I mean, in a wet hamster sort of

way.

You know, sweetie, this brings to mind a quote.

I love children, especially when they cry, for then somebody takes them away.

Oscar, why?

Nancy Medford, no way to talk to a man whose trenchant words fortified you.

Patrick Francis McKeating.

It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Careful, you're doing that cocking your head like a chicken thing.

This is obviously a very elaborate joke cooked up by Lionel. But he hired you to

take the correspondence course, and he coached you on all the snappy emails,

the bastard actually goes to the trouble of penning an entire... Oh, no. Okay.

Two -thirds of a novel, just to have a laugh at my expense. Oh, ho, ho, ho. The

remaining third. You know what? Tell Lionel the joke's over.

Look, if you're talking about Lionel Heathcote, I've read him, but I've never

met him. Uh -huh.

Just take this, please.

Please.

Whoa, what have you got in there? Oh, just give me the manuscript, sonny. Oh,

I've got to know what that thing is.

Hey, hey, hey, oh, some people, kids, Jesus. Some kind of installation art?

Yeah, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh? Oh, give me that thing.

Okay. All right.

Well, are you going to read the rest of my book or what?

Sure, whatever.

Why is it so hard to believe that I wrote it?

Oh, let's see. Because you're 12?

I'm 20. Oh, yeah, same thing. Just taller.

Okay, fine. All right.

Assuming that Lionel wrote it, how would you say it stacks up against his other

stuff? It's very different, of course, but it would have to be in order to fool

me, wouldn't it? I mean, you know, Lionel's work has always reminded me

Very well -made pie crust.

White and cold and elegantly constructed. But, oh, this time, there's

Finally. Oh, yeah, what kind? Berries? Apples? No, you know, it's more like

snake and kidney. There's definitely blood involved. You know, I'll tell you,

Lionel's book, There's Never Any Sex and Laughs Are Very Dry.

I've always admired and respected his books, but this time I actually enjoyed

it. There was a vitality there.

Oh, you just made my decade.

Yeah, right.

Well... Hey, how's your latest tome coming along?

It's great.

I may even finish it today.

Huh. Oh, really?

Well, I guess you'll be going then.

See you.

Hello? Kitchen.

Not pot roast again.

Close.

Yogurt -marinated breast of three -range capon with a papaya reduction, grilled

peppers, and a mango coulis. That's very ambitious.

Very low -fat.

A splash of 94 Pinot Auxerrois. Mmm, lovely.

Was the everything you imagined an anthem?

Was the man equal to the scribe? Oh, yes, he was very charming. And you know,

after the meeting, he doubled me in his banana seat to Chuck E. Cheese, where we

spent several glorious hours together frolicking in the ballroom.

What?

Oh, don't be coy, you snake.

And don't think I won't get back to you, because, oh, I will.

Although, you know, Lionel, I have to give you credit, sweetie.

The book is really funny and smart.

Yes.

Oh, please. The lad must have reported back to you by now. I'm so on to you,

baby.

I'm taking it the date with the mystery man didn't go well.

Oh, come on, Lionel. Have I not been humiliated enough for one year?

Jack, why should I want to humiliate you?

I mean, have I not gone to great lengths to save you from embarrassment?

Yeah.

So?

So the guy is 20, okay?

The allegedly erudite writer, this strong, insightful, provocative man that

have been corresponding with and fantasizing about for months is barely

short pants.

No. Yes.

So I'm still your lover? Yeah, just for a little while longer, okay?

My pleasure.

Twenty.

That's ridiculous.

How's the book, Jack?

Good. Very good.

What are you reading at the pen dinner?

It'll be there.

What is this?

Roasted grape leaf wrapped figs with a ricotta and tomato relish center.

All right, you can spit it out.

Danny? Oh, my God. The streets were jammed. This hotel was besieged by

of fans, all hoping to catch a glimpse of superstar Lupe Martinez, who was in

town and taking it all off for her latest film. Let's check it out. Oh,

I play an exotic dancer who has to go on the run after witnessing a gangland

murder.

But in my next film, I play a doctor, one of those doctors you know without

borders.

She goes to Africa and falls in love with this African man.

Does everything she can to save his family.

Now, if that story sounds familiar to you, you're absolutely right. Because

Martinez is in negotiations to star in the big screen version of Jackie York's

blockbuster novel, Uninvited Stranger. Local filmmaker Danny Blair will be at

the helm.

Danny, what?

Okay, okay.

Donnie Blitzer kicked off his thick -soled shoes and showed... No, no, no,

no! Hang on!

Donnie Blitzer shed his leather motorcycle jacket behind all the

who were wearing and plopped it down on the sofa and scooped up two

novels. Both were written by women, single women, over the age of 35, and

would... grateful yield to Donnie's entirely self -imagined charm.

Ah!

Too obvious.

Donnie blistered and flopped down on the sofa.

He scooped up a spoon, no a banana, no a screwdriver, and stabbed himself in the

eye.

You have a new message.

Yeah. Bizarre.

Patrick loved the ending. Call me to discuss.

Hello? So, you don't think the ending's too schmaltzy?

That was fast.

Yeah, well, uh, it's not like, uh, I've been sitting here on the computer

waiting forever.

So? I liked it. I liked it a lot.

Really? I think you were very brave to go with a happy ending.

Really? Yeah, I mean, you know, that's just not done these days. I mean,

is supposed to waste away in a cave.

Or, uh, perish in a blinding fairy's notes wall.

Huh. Great.

Now you tell me. You know, there is a few things, though. Like, when Randall

happens to run into Jane, that seems a bit convenient.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I was going to ask you about that.

So, listen, maybe we could discuss this over a drink or something.

No.

We want to talk about the ending.

Amongst other things?

Uh -huh, like who my agent is and how to go about getting published.

I was thinking general conversation.

Oh, is that right? Yeah, I mean...

We've known each other, in a way, for a month. I thought maybe we could be

friends. Friends?

Pals, buddies, people attached to one another by mutual theme or affection.

Ah, yes.

Give me the avowed, erect, and manly foe.

Firmly I can meet, perhaps return the blow.

But of all the plagues, good heavens, I wrath and send.

Save me, oh, save me from the candid friend.

Yeah, that's about someone...

being insultingly candid, which I wasn't.

And, uh, besides, whatever happened to, uh, to a friend,

and, you know, the old, uh, the old, uh, thing, friend being the

masterpiece of nature.

Emerson, you're very, very good at this.

But more his friend. He hurts me most who lavishly commends.

Okay, you win.

You win a dinner cooked by me.

I'll forget he's an aptitude.

I was thinking something more casual.

Come to my place tomorrow.

Six o 'clock, let's say, corner of Barkley and 2nd.

Congratulations.

Don't say I never gave you nothing.

You finished it?

No, it's not mine.

Oh, damn.

How's it going? It's good. It's almost finished.

When can I see something? I'm just polishing.

I can't afford another disaster. Oh, will you relax? Great.

So what is it?

It is a novel by Patrick Francis McKeating. He's one of my creative

correspondents.

I'm mad.

Yeah, you know, it's 20.

20?

I know, it's hard to believe, but Suzanne...

He is eerily talented.

Ooh, someone's excited.

Fine, I'll start it tonight.

You know, just one thing.

If you do decide to rep him, you just can't tell anyone that I gave it to you,

you know? Just say he sent it unsolicited.

Why is that?

Because I can't be seen to be boosting the career of another young man.

Oh, I see.

I take it you heard about Lupe Martinez?

It is ridiculous.

The character that I wrote is playing in Pushing 40 and A Brilliant Surgeon.

Somehow I can't picture Lupe with a scalpel.

Although I'm sure she's been under a few.

You know, I hate to say it, but if you'd let me handle it, you wouldn't be

hurting in the box department right now. Oh, that's good rubbing in.

All I'm saying is from now on, please take my advice.

Oh, you know, that reminds me. Did you tell those TV people not to utter the

name Danny Blair? Danny Blair for the tenth time, yes.

Oh, God.

Suzanne, do I have to do it?

No, but it's good publicity, a little cash, and my advice is to do it.

I'm looking for Patrick McKee.

Thanks. Hey, don't I know you?

No. Man, you look really familiar.

I don't think so.

Probably just the drugs.

Hi. Hi.

Come on in.

Great, thanks. Just make yourself at home.

Wow.

I, uh, brought some cannoli. Oh, great.

I, uh, thought you were bringing dessert.

Yeah, the, uh, cannoli you keep there.

Oh, right. It just sounds vaguely pasta -like.

What the hell is this?

Uh, peas, I think, or corn nibblets. I don't know. They came with the place.

Green Giant meets the Franklin Expedition?

Yeah.

Yep. That's a good one.

Would you like something to drink before you rifle through my belongings?

Sure, what have you got?

Chocolate milk? Kool -Aid? Freshy?

Maalox? Geritol?

Sanka?

I'll have a glass of wine.

Oh, my God.

Is this a theremin?

Wow, you're the first person who's known what that was. I mean, we can play it

after dinner if you like.

Grab that. There we are.

Okay.

Ritz crackers and cheese.

Great.

Cheers. I am.

Oh, it's a very good month.

You have a lot of music.

Yeah, I love music. Mm -hmm.

Gob? Gob is music.

Really? No.

It's ready.

Hey,

here we go.

Oh, yeah, don't worry. If you find a fly in your dinner, you don't have to eat

it. Oh, that's reassuring. I mean, you don't have to eat the fly. You still

to eat the dinner.

I'll just put that over there.

Okay. All right. Maybe a couple more. No, no, no. Just one more. That's good.

Actually, this is the way I do it, so I think that about does it.

Okay.

And the sauce.

This is the good. Do you like fettuccine alfredo? I do, but, you know, it's pure

fat. Yeah, but that's the good part.

I know. You know what?

Honest. You know, I'm not going to get through half of this. Just have as much

as you like.

Okay? Okay.

There's more sauce on the stove.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Dig in.

Mmm.

Delish.

Want some bread to get the rest of that sauce?

Oh, that's very funny.

More of the sauce in your cup.

I haven't really touched that.

Well, you know, there is a good reason for that.

I guess it's not very good.

I'd only say you're safe.

As long as it's over ten bucks.

For a regular bottle, maybe. I don't think for that hillbilly jug you slept

Um, I got some Bushmills.

You want some Bushmills?

I don't know.

What's a Bushmill?

Oh, that's good. That's good.

God is music.

God is music.

You wrote it on my... Well,

I'm going to go home now.

What are you talking about? It's the middle of the night. Yeah, I know, but I

think I should just go.

Wait, no, Patrick, don't look me up!

Patrick, what are you doing?

Jesus, have another cannoli. Boy, you've got a lot of nerve.

Oh, many things.

Little is not one of them.

Oh, yeah.

Toledo, huh?

That's the best sex I ever had.

Before I let that go to my head, exactly how many lovers have you had?

Including the nuns?

Two. And you?

More than two.

I gotta go. I got people coming. Oh, stop whining. I gotta go. I gotta go.

And so you've had thousands of lovers.

Don't give a shit.

I'm still gonna kiss you where you've never, ever been.

Oh, this is bad.

Well, show me good. No, I mean it's bad, like ridiculous, you know, absurd.

Why?

Because you're 20, and I'm not 20.

You know, there are a lot of advantages to dating a younger man. Uh -huh, such

as?

Well...

Oh, Jesus, already?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm, uh... I'm beginning to see your point.

My name's Andrea. I'm Jackie. Jackie, I know, I know. And this is Roman, our

cameraman. I'm a big fan.

Oh, hey, thanks.

So, uh, you guys want some coffee?

I know I do.

You guys get in your own dirt, don't you? Yes, we do.

Oh, so, uh, where would you like to do the interview?

Oh, now, it's not just an interview. You've seen the show.

The, with the, you know, actually, what's it called again?

It's called A Day in the Life.

Right. We've been trying to get you for four years now.

Really? You know, I don't watch much TV.

Really?

Well, what we try to do is we try to paint a textured video portrait of our

subject. You know, we follow you around and we see all the interesting things

you do with your friends at work, at play. You know, we just hone in and

try to get to know you.

Just reveal a typical day in the life of Jackie York.

Sounds interesting.

I think so.

Well, listen, we've scheduled three half days, if that's all right with you. Oh,

sure. And we would love it if we could get you and Lionel Heathcote together,

that's okay. Okay, we're rolling.

Okay, well, why don't we start over here by the lovely piano?

Do you play?

Oh, you know, I dabble a little Chopin, Schubert, Bach on occasion.

Well, could you play something for us?

Oh, no way.

I refuse to recklessly exhibit my deficiencies on national television.

Oh, come on.

Really, Andrea, I dare not.

We talk about something you are good at, writing.

Why don't you tell us about that new project you're working on? It's been a

while since you put out a book.

Yeah.

You know what? Wait, wait. Hang on.

Do you think that we could do the...

The talking part on another day. I'm feeling a little tired, actually.

Okay. Sure, we can do the lifestyle stuff now, get that out of the way, and

the interview on the last day. That's perfect.

Very natural, very natural. Maybe snip an herb or two.

Cut the flower, yeah.

Show us your favorite one.

I'm just not those.

Just all the star lilies. Can we just do a big star?

Okay, sure. But a lot.

A lot of them.

Sniff them too.

I don't want them to be a sniffing theme.

Okay, no, thanks.

Just the star lilies. Thank you.

Oh, really?

Thanks very much. No, I mean, you look exhausted.

Oh, do I?

You're diddling that kid.

Hey, Lionel, why don't you give her a kiss?

Oh, my dear.

You know,

Jack, zipless bucks are fine and dandy.

But one of these days you're going to have to take a risk and let somebody get

close to you again.

That's great, you two!

Hello? Hi, it's me.

Me? One dinner and you're already a me?

Sorry, it's Patrick.

I had a great time last night. I'm glad.

You left your bag here. What?

I did not.

You know what Freud would say?

I think it's best to leave Freud out of this. Don't worry, you're nothing like

my mother.

Good. So listen, you want me to bring it over or something?

Uh, no, gee, you know, you don't have to do that.

You want to meet for a coffee? What, you're going to show up at an espresso

carrying my purse?

It's going to look a little weird, don't you think?

I don't care if I look weird. I was thinking about me, actually. Only

you know, sometimes people recognize me and... Oh, I get it. You know, um, why

don't I just pop over tonight and, uh, pick it up? Well, I'm working tonight.

Why don't you pop over and get me? Uh, what time?

Uh, six.

Oh. Five -thirty.

Uh... Schwarmating Jesus.

Oh!

Excuse me, miss.

Excuse me, miss.

Hi, what's your name?

Oh, my God.

Just tell me your name.

Trixie. Trixie. Hi, Trixie. Did you take one of your torches? Perfect.

Okay, on the count of three, Trixie's going to throw this torch at me. This is

big finale trick. Here we go. No, I'm not.

One, two, three.

Okay, here we go. The big fight. Oh, jeez. Oh, Superman.

Here we go.

Give a big hand for Trixie.

Please buy a shawarma. Thanks a lot. Have a good day.

This is what you do?

Embarrass people?

Well, if it's raining, I work inside. Can you get that stuff?

What, and jam mystery meat into flatbread?

Hey, show some respect when you're addressing the king.

Mmm.

You were right.

These are good. Oh, I told you. You put the special sauce in yours because I...

I know, but you should be writing, not wasting your time in a dive like that.

When I'm doing my show, I love watching them watch me. It's not an ego thing.

It's just all those different reactions.

Oh, my God. I can't imagine.

Well, it's fun.

I know, but...

I mean, to me, there is nothing worse than the idea of having a group of

standing around watching you now. I mean, it... Oh, God.

What?

It's been years.

Why?

I don't know.

No time.

What with all the drinking.

No. Wait, you know, one more maybe.

You sure?

Oh, Patrick.

So, Jackie.

So what are you doing with an old broad like me, huh?

I mean, how come you don't have a girlfriend from, like, school or work or

something?

Oh, it's not like I'm a misanthrope or something.

I mean, I like most people. It's just there's very few with whom I feel

connected. But I always felt that connection with you.

Oh, really?

Mm -hmm, mm -hmm.

Really. I felt it from the moment I first picked up one of your books.

After two pages. After two paragraphs, even.

And now... Well... Now I feel it all over.

in my brain, in my gut, my magic Johnson.

What are you, five?

Beat it, shit smear. Come in peace. Look, White Star Lily is your favorite.

Look, I need a favor.

A favor?

A favor? Well, that's a good one. Let me guess. You want the rights to the rest

of my novels for what? Fifty cents this time? Okay, okay. I deserve that. Go

ahead. Insult me. Beat me. Burn me with a cigarette. But please, just hear me

out. You know what? I can't wait. Lay it on me.

Okay. It is Lupe Martinez.

You really...

Really wants to meet with the author, wants to discuss her character, wants it

to be authentic.

You know, these flaky actor types.

Okay, anyway, I told her I'd arrange it.

Please, Jackie, I'm begging you here.

You know, maybe it'd be more authentic if you were down on your knees.

Oh, that's very mature.

Okay, okay, fine, fine.

Fine.

Please, Jackie.

I'll make it worth your while. Just tell me what you want.

Talk to my agent.

Hey, it's Suzanne.

You were right. I love that manuscript.

It's fresh and it's funny and it's sexy.

And... Listen, I can market the hell out of the fact that he's only 20. Call me.

Hey. Hey.

Hi.

What?

Nothing. Nothing to... Oh, there's Suzanne.

Hi, guys. Hi.

I'm sorry. No, no, no, Patrick just got here. Oh, this is Boy Wonder, huh? This

is he. I'm really pleased to meet you. Nice to meet you. I really dug your

Oh, thanks.

It's amazing. He totally nailed the middle -aged protagonist.

Yeah, I'm getting pretty good at nailing middle -aged types.

How are you this evening? Oh, we're great.

Something to drink? Oh, yes, please. I would like a painfully dry gin martini

straight up. Three olives? Sounds good to me.

And for you?

Yeah, what the hell, I'll try that actually.

Um, you'll have a martini as well?

Yeah, I'm legal. Jackie can vouch for me.

I can?

You're 21, right?

Right. Oh, of course he is. I forgot.

Okay, three martinis. Back in a jiff.

So, is this your first time meeting?

Yeah.

And it's so great to finally meet my star pupil. Oh, I'll bet. You know, the

funny thing is I get the feeling we've met before.

Oh, Suzanne, we're in luck. They have the photograph.

Oh, fabulous. That's goose liver, Patrick.

Oh, so did he call?

Of course he called. He made a very generous offer of five grand.

Oh, the fucker. Alas, we all know he recently received $100 ,000.

So what did you counter with?

$100 ,000 plus one.

I didn't want you to be out your original option price.

Oh, my God.

You are evil.

I love it.

You must be seething. Oh,

he'll never go for it, though.

If he wants to direct a big, splashy film, he will. If he wants a big -name

star, he'll go for it, all right.

Plus one.

You think?

What's the matter?

I don't know who I just had dinner with. Who are you? What are you talking

about? That's Goose Liver, Patrick.

Well, you didn't know what cannoli was. Right. See ya.

Oh. Oh, I get it.

You got what you were after, and now you don't need me anymore. I didn't ask you

to set that up. Did I ask you to set that up, huh?

No. I'm pissed because you treated me like I was 12 years old, because you

as if we'd never met.

And because you totally shut me out of your conversation, which, by the way,

more than a little creepy.

Okay, you know, maybe I was a tad over the top. A tad?

But I didn't want her to know, all right? I mean, she's a great agent, but

lives to gossip. And I don't need my private life broadcast all over the

right now. Will you slow down, please? Because my heels are a lot higher than

yours.

God.

I'm sorry.

I know I sounded like a nasty bitch, but it's complicated.

I'll drive you home.

Let's go out somewhere.

Oh, you know, I have been out all day.

Oh, well, then let's go to your place.

Long live the theremin.

Sorry. No, it's okay.

I can't sleep either.

Oh, you know what? I should get up and write. You really think my book will get

published? Oh, it'll get published, all right.

But what if no one wants it?

It's a great book.

Someone's gonna want it, don't you worry.

Okay?

Okay.

Oh, God, I envy you.

You envy me? Why?

Because you have a juicy manuscript sitting fat and ready in an envelope. I

mean... But you're almost done your latest.

Just like the last one. I find that very hard to believe. No, believe it.

And I have to read something for this fucking pen benefit in two weeks in

of the whole damn writing world.

You know, why did I even say yes?

What was I thinking?

Oh, shit.

I'm the stupidest guy in the world.

What?

I wasted so much time having faith in books that suck.

I'll have to go back to sleep.

Oh, that's okay.

It's too bad that while I was in my weirdo depressed, I don't belong in this

world. All fucked up and alone because I'm the only 16 -year -old prom date

phase.

Your books, especially that piece of shit, Coming of Rage, really helped me

through it.

Gave me hope and ideas and a friend.

You write something great.

Don't worry.

You got lots to say.

Thanks.

Sweet dreams.

What's going on?

What day is it today?

Thursday. Shit.

Did you bring your phone?

No.

Did you bring yours?

I didn't bring my phone.

No, hell, she's not answering the phone. We've got to call her. Maybe we'll go

find a case going down there. Hey, good morning.

Yeah. As you can see, I slept in. You know, it's just for some reason I

we were doing this tomorrow.

No, Thursday. No, we didn't. Did we do it? Oh.

Anyway, is there any way we can rearrange it? No, actually, I'm not

have Roman tomorrow.

Oh. We can wait while I get ready.

That'd be great. Why don't you come back in, what, say, an hour?

Well, you know, if you don't mind, maybe we could go on in, get some pickup

shots of the house, because we are going to do the house tour thing today. Yeah,

that would be good.

Yeah, uh, yeah. Oh, okay, sure.

What's going on? What's going on?

Fucking documentary people.

Can you hang her out of the bed?

Oh, I don't know. I got tons of shit to do. Okay,

here's what we're gonna do.

I have to give them a tour of the house.

So, I'll start them up here, and then, like, go down to the basement, and you

can, like, slip out.

You want me to wait in here?

Yes. I gotta take a piss.

Please.

No problem. I'm just going to quickly make some coffee. Get function without

caffeine. We could shoot you doing that.

Well, we're rolling.

We have a theme.

Find a letter.

Actually, before we do that, let's quickly get some footage of you reading

one of your novels.

She

was

adept at sizing up people, sizing up and pinning down the botanist.

talent for identification and classification.

But she couldn't pin him down.

Still,

she knew she would take him home.

There's something about me you should know.

Is someone upstairs?

No.

It's old plumbing.

Actually, nature's calling.

The bathroom's just upstairs. Is the bathroom upstairs? Yes, the bathroom is

upstairs.

Thanks.

Jacky York at the Rowland.

Hall of Fame. By Jacky York.

Oh!

That's it?

Oh. Okay.

So can we do the house tour now? I was thinking we could start in my bedroom.

You know, actually, I think we should get a couple more shots of you reading,

and then we'll do the main floor because we're already lit in here for that.

Okay, ready? Okay.

There's something about me you should know.

Okay, she said, and waited for him to speak.

He leaned in, cupped his hand.

and whispered hot into her ear.

Hi there.

Oh, hi.

Um, who's this? Oh, this is my personal assistant.

One of the higher studies, you know.

So, um, don't forget to pick up that dry cleaning.

Right. Please?

Bye.

You kid, huh?

You have called. I'm not home. Leave a message at the... Hi.

It's me again.

Pick up the phone.

All right. Call me when you get in.

It's Jackie.

Pick up.

Oh, come on.

Don't be a baby.

Pick up the fucking phone.

Fine.

Who cares?

Hi.

If you've come for your dry cleaning, I don't have it. You know, funny.

Okay, guys.

See you later.

Here you go.

Here.

So can I come in?

What for?

A roll in the hay before you steal away under the cover of darkness? Please

spare me the histrionics.

Okay. No, Patrick.

What? Look, it's just, they think Lionel and I are an item. You know, I mean,

they've shot themes of us together, and it would make them look foolish, you

know, and I don't want to do that.

So you and Lionel are an item?

It's a long and stupid story.

Can I come in, please?

I signed, took the book, he disappeared, and I look like an idiot.

And what, you think I'm some kind of Danny Blair? No, that's not what I

But what I think is not exactly the point, you know?

I'm not going to be your dirty little secret.

Oh, come on. No, I'm serious.

I like you a lot.

I don't want to just hide out with you.

Has it been so horrible?

No.

That's the problem.

Sooner or later, I'm going to want to go see a movie with you. Or go to a bar

and shoot some pool. The play pool?

Yeah, I used to.

Or go to a bar and beat your ass at pool.

Or go to a concert. Or go to the Penn Benefits to hear you read.

What is it, some kind of ultimatum? No, I just think it's wise to stop now

before I get too embroiled.

What if I don't want to stop?

We'll see you next time.

Meromorphic systems engineering.

What? You're kidding.

They're really going to do that. People change.

Really? Yeah.

Guess who's coming?

They said that they were coming, right?

I don't know.

Yes. Paul.

I don't think so.

Good. Good. Well, we're probably going to go. It's getting a little cold and

late.

piece of your car here you shouldn't leave home without it

your

muffler my muffler yeah where should i put it just

anywhere can i come in no it's just um

you know I had a moment of clarity tonight in that sea of youthful

I realized that, you know, maybe this whole thing isn't such a good idea.

You're going to let a couple of ditzy titsies run your life? No, it's not just

that. I mean, your gal pal was stupid enough to say something.

Everyone else is just thinking.

Who cares? I care.

I'm going to be 40 in a couple of days.

So what?

So, I mean, someday I might have to meet your mother.

My problem. Or your father. His problem.

I just think we should stop it before we become too... Embroiled.

Embroiled. Listen, if... No.

So that's it?

No, you know, we could be friends.

Friends.

Friendship often ends in love, but love and friendship never, right?

This is where my heart takes my tear.

This is where I can't help myself.

This is where I feel like I failed again.

This is where I want retaliation.

And if I could, I'd steal your soul.

This is where I stopped and I gave in. We're not here. Leave

a message.

It's Patrick, I guess.

Talk to me.

We're not here. Leave a message.

Jackie, get up. It's important.

Answer the phone.

Oh, geez, come on already. Wake up, girl. I've got news.

Oh, big news, girl. Good news.

Ka -ching, ka -ching.

Oh, I give up. I'll call you later.

Aren't you going to thank me?

I've paid you. I don't have to thank you.

Can you take this home service stuff?

Brandy, I don't know, but the brandy has this thing about fanny.

What a doll.

Coffee?

Please.

I just love the character of Anna.

Thanks. I'm finally going to have a chance to flex my acting muscle.

Have you seen the script?

I haven't. It's not there yet.

You know what I was thinking?

I was thinking maybe she could sing.

I think.

Sing?

Like a singing surgeon?

Yes, yes, yes.

No, not while she's working, you know.

I don't know.

But the point is, I'm not signing on until she's a fully developed character.

Just like in the book.

So you haven't actually signed yet?

No. You know what I think should come true is her incredible bravery.

Yeah,

watch it.

Yes, well, you know, Anna is very brave, but so are you.

I am. To tackle such a complex role with a director who's never even done a

feature before, that's brave. Because you don't want to get out there and it

really inflects your acting muscle and not have a director who's on the same

page. You just screw it up. But I have a good feeling about Demi.

And I'm famous for my intuition.

I bet.

So I guess you've seen his short film, huh?

No, he never mentioned.

No, no, no, no, Grande.

Yay.

Yay.

Oh, Danny, you're such a doll.

Hey.

Hey. Can I help you? Uh, well, yeah, oh, you know, uh...

I'm working for Danny Blair. He's directing Miss Martinez's next project.

know. And, uh... He's not around right now. Yes, I know. He isn't. I just

to... He wants me to deliver this to him personally. Tell you what. I will give

it to him. You know, it's very important. I mean, he... I don't care in

Don't worry.

She'll get it. Okay, that'd be great. Thank you.

Thanks. Thanks very much.

What's with the Blanche DuBois lady?

Special occasion?

I don't know. Is anybody else coming?

No, you said.

Lordy, lordy, look who's 40.

Well, I saved my best lines for the page, sweetie.

Oh, come on, Jackie. You are a very attractive, youngish woman.

What is this?

Rhubarb mousse cake with a nonfat cream cheese icing.

But before we eat...

Stymaster in a box with a pen?

No, it's a cappuccino maker.

Yes. Wow, I love it. Happy birthday.

Thank you, sweetie.

So, I got some brandy. I thought we'd relax, get comfortable, watch a movie.

That sounds good. What you got?

The original Napoleon.

Brandy.

Or brandy, Jackie.

No, I'm good.

Oh, here, I'll give you a little rub. Not to worry.

Okay.

Oh.

You know, I've been thinking, Jack, about this posing as lovers

thing.

Mm -hmm.

Well, I've been thinking and thinking and thinking about

it. Oh, God!

What? What is it?

My head!

It's so bad.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Uh -huh.

You know, I think I have to go home and go to bed.

Can I call you tomorrow and we can talk?

Yeah. No, no, of course. Of course you can. Okay.

You want me to take you home? Oh, no, you just stay here and watch the movie.

Thank you, honey. That was really fun.

Uh -huh. Thanks for that. You're okay. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Proceed to the living room. Open parcel 1A followed by envelope number 2. Play

the new Gob CD and proceed to the kitchen.

Open 2A followed by envelope number 3.

Pour yourself a dip one.

Proceed to the bathroom and open 3A followed by envelope number 4.

Run a hot bath.

Pour in the Mr. Bubbles. Relax.

Sip the whiskey. And when the music stops, open 4A followed by envelope

5. And put on the sexy t -shirt and proceed to the kitchen.

Open 5A and envelope number 6.

And ta -da!

Pop the corn and proceed to the living room.

Ha -ha!

You can't watch this tape alone.

And remember, at 20 the will reigns, at 30 the wit, and at 40 the judgment. Use

it. Call me.

Yeah? Hi, Mom.

No, no, no, no.

They'll give the money.

They'll give the money to someone who wants it.

Someone who wants to be a neuromorphic engineer. I don't know.

Don't, don't. Just let him watch it. Go. Turn him.

Okay. Bye.

Hi.

It's me.

I know, I'm sorry to call so late, but... Can I come over?

Oh! Wait! You're on my hair!

Why isn't this working?

I have to massage her, huh?

You want to ruin these seats? You know, these seats are beautiful.

You like them? Yeah.

I just got them.

Yeah, I can see that. They're lovely.

Are they expensive?

On sale.

No.

Maybe a change of scenery?

Well, yeah.

What? The music's a bit much.

You know, I think the water is too hot.

I just don't think my heart is into this.

My heart's into it.

I slumped in it.

Have you heard about my lady

But I guess she's not my lady

anymore

You know, I never thought I'd hear from you again.

Notice anything different?

I've been lifting weight.

Very impressive.

Notice anything else?

No frontal lobe scarring.

The teeth.

I had them whitened with lasers. See?

You know, I never thought I'd hear from you again.

Had to say it was a pleasant surprise.

Long story short...

Listen to that.

Reminds me of Chet Baker. No one else could achieve that particular sound.

Most people think of Chet as a trumpet player, but in fact, he played the

flugelhorn. Did you know that?

I guess you're aware of his trouble with drugs.

Did you see the movie they made about his life? They depicted his descent into

addiction and... Illustrated how the music suffered.

Unfortunate, really. He was a very unique and interesting man.

You okay?

You need to get stooped.

So that's bridge.

I could fix you up with someone.

Oh, no.

Not the globes on it. I'm telling you, you'll love this guy.

He's been all around the world. He's handsome. He's independently wealthy.

That's your offensive humor.

I never said that. Yes, you did. I said he's not a laugh -a -minute.

He enjoys a good joke just like the rest of us. Well, how come you don't want

him? He's too old. He's 47.

47 is too old?

For me, it is.

Oh, I don't know. I get such a horrible idea.

So I should give him your number? No, no.

It has to be, you know, something casual, like a dinner or something with

people around, so it's not so obvious.

All right.

I'll have a dinner at my place.

All right.

Oh,

there's something else you should know about him.

Married, incontinent, or herpetic?

None of the above. It's his name.

What's she doing?

Not coming out. Lupe, sweetheart.

Swallowed the wrong way. That's fine.

So who else is coming?

You, me, Rod, Natasha Zostak. Oh, Jesus.

Patrick and his date. I can't remember her name.

Who's bringing a date?

Yeah. Some friend from out of town.

I told him to bring her along.

You'll be focused on Rod anyway.

Eh?

You know, I've traveled quite a bit in that corner of the world, and I must

prefer New Zealand to Australia.

How interesting. Crystal, tell me, what exactly do you do?

Well, most of the year I teach yoga and aerobics, and then in the summers I go

tree planting up north.

Really? Why would you do that?

You camp out, meet tons of people.

And the fun part would be the... The people camping out?

So, do they have bathroom facilities?

They would.

How dolorous.

It means distressing. Or deplorable.

It's important work, though.

Well, true. I mean, you're planting bathroom facilities for future

I never even thought of it that way.

You sure you want another one?

Does an aerobics instructor shit in the woods?

One of the most memorable images from my travels was a couple of years ago in

the South Pacific when an entire pod of whales beached themselves overnight.

Oh, startling. Absolutely startling. Imagine these huge bloated forms, you

stretched out along the sand as far as the eye could see.

Sounds like Waikiki Beach.

Need a hand?

Jackie will help, won't you, Jackie?

You better slow down, baby.

I'm fine.

I'm just a little tense, that's all.

You like him, don't you?

Who? Rod.

Rod Poker?

Some of that crystal, huh?

Not exactly a rocket scientist, is she? Well, I think she's sweet.

Like Pandy Foss.

Rod's kind of handsome, eh?

He's still outdoorsy. The guy looks like he just stumbled out of a knitting

instruction booklet.

God, Joe Dickey.

I can't imagine what the man of your dreams looks like.

Suzanne, that was fantastic.

Thank you. My specialty, veal piccata.

You know, the last time I had it was in this charming, rather funny little cafe

in Vienna.

How interesting.

God, I am so weary of the mendacious assertion that traveling to interesting

places automatically makes one interesting.

Well, I beg to differ.

Oh, just differ, Natasha. No one wants to see you beg.

Excuse my boarding house reach.

Like self -funding games until someone loses an eye.

So, um, what are you working on nowadays?

Well, actually, I just completed my third volume of Heronion.

Heronion? It's politically correct porn that doesn't get you horny.

Oh, really?

It's selling extremely well.

So, um, seconds, anyone?

No, thanks. I'm stuffed.

You didn't even touch the veal.

I'm a vegetarian. I don't eat anything with a face.

How unfortunate.

Except for the cow.

Excuse me.

So, uh, anyone for dessert?

What?

Look. What? I'm sorry, okay?

It's just, you know, you're such a bright and interesting guy, you know? I

hate to see you wasting yourself.

Oh, really? And why would you care?

I mean, you know, you're so smart, and you're funny, and

great, you know? And I mean, that girl, aside

from the fact that she's young and fit and trim, what could you possibly see in

her?

Well, for one thing, she's kind and honest.

I'm sorry.

I know I'm sorry.

But much more importantly, she's brave.

She does what she feels is right in her own heart, doesn't give a rat's ass what

other people think of her.

She'd rather be laughed at for who she is than live out some dreary lie.

Maybe she can't quote Tennyson, but she's smart enough to know that life's

fucking short to waste her creative energy.

The best part of herself producing crap.

Vindictive crap mired in self -importance.

You truly disappoint me, Jackie.

I mean, just look at yourself.

You are pathetic.

Excuse me.

Hi.

I, uh, I never thought I'd say this, but I've read all your books.

Oh, yeah?

I'm like your biggest fan.

Thanks.

I was wondering if you could maybe sign my book.

You know, I don't really do that anymore now, but... Oh.

I see.

What the hell?

What's your name?

Jacob.

Morning. Hi.

Hey. Did you forget?

No. Come on in. Again?

Morning. Are you okay?

Oh, yeah.

Just criminally hungover.

Oh, dear.

How about I make the coffee while you get ready?

Sounds like a plan. Okay.

Start in tight and stay down when being close for this. You'll mind later.

Okay.

When did you say this thing was going to air?

Not next Thursday, but the Thursday after that, which is the same night as

Penn benefit, which I understand you're the big star this year.

Yeah.

What channel is it?

It's channel five.

It's prime time.

Big audience.

Maybe you should write it down.

No, I'll remember that.

Okay, so are you almost ready?

Yeah, whenever you are. Okay.

So... We are rolling.

Why don't you tell us about what you're working on? It's been a while since you

put out a book.

Uh, yes. Um, and that's because I'm trying something that's a bit of a

for me.

I am working with a male protagonist who is a distinctly unsavory character.

Can you tell us what it's about? It's a darkly comic tale about a young film

director who has oodles of ambition, but sadly...

No talent. And eventually his own ambition leads to his demise.

Sounds delicious.

Now, does this have anything to do with Danny Blair?

Excuse me? The young film producer who manipulated you?

Acquired the screen rights to your most popular novel for a dollar while you

were dating?

Is that what people think?

And then once the deal was closed, he ended the relationship.

You know, first of all, the book has...

nothing to do with that i i'm a fiction writer i invent and you know allow

me also to uh to set the record straight on mr blair it the the relationship

which you know quite quite frankly was um well nothing more than a sexual

diversion ended when donnie um danny discovered that i will that i

was becoming involved with lionel heathcote i think And, you know, no skin

my nose, because when the film gets made, it's going to be great, great for

sales.

Well, thanks for being so candid. Gosh, you're wonderful.

No, it feels good to set the record straight, you know.

Get the truth out there.

So when can we expect the boot to come out? Are you close to finishing?

Yeah.

I'm... I'm just polishing.

Yeah.

Just... just polishing.

Jackie?

Are you all right?

Actually, I'm very fucking tired.

Well, I guess that's understandable.

I feel sick.

we should just finish this tomorrow.

We'll come back when you're feeling more yourself.

More myself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

Actually, um... Do you think we could just

take it from the top?

You want to start the whole thing over?

Yeah. Too bad.

Oh, what a shame. Gotta go.

Please call me home, I pray.

And tell me... Hi, it's Jackie again.

Could you call me back, please?

Um, I'm trying to get in touch with Patrick.

Have you heard from him?

Yes, I've heard from him. He withdrew his manuscript.

What?

Why?

Said he was suffering from disillusionment. He was going to put his

numbers.

Hi,

I'm looking for Patrick. You know, the... Oh, Patrick quit.

I think he went back to school or something.

I cannot be without you no more than the sky.

And when I dream of this, put your wish on my lips.

Tonight we go behind the scenes with award -winning novelist Jackie York.

So, Jackie, why don't you tell us about what you've been working on? It's been a

while since you put out a book.

Well, the truth is I've spent the last 11 months trying to wreak revenge in

the guise of a novel.

The reputed love affair that I've been conducting with Lionel Heathcote is a

complete sham.

My dearest friend, being very patient

and exceedingly kind, agreed to pose publicly as my lover. It was

just a pathetic attempt on my part to save face after I got dumped.

Holy shit.

about that, man. You just sort of took off on me there.

Feeling utterly foolish and humiliated, I decided, oh, it would be a marvelous

idea just to skewer Mr. Blair on the page.

The fact of the matter is that bitterness and revenge don't inspire

of worth.

I've been paralyzed for over a year.

Blocked. The book is non -existent.

Holy shit! Shit!

My husband hogs a remote.

This way I can control it.

Foolish and humiliated. I decided... Hey, change that bed for a second.

No! Please, come on!

No! Just give me the damn thing.

You can't have everything you want, boy. Why divulge now on national television?

Why take the risk?

Because life's too short to cower in the shadows.

It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not.

Holy shit. Who said that? I like to memorize clothes and impress people

Belting them at opportune moments. It's a pretentious game. I'm very good at it.

Stop the bus!

You're very good at a lot of things. Stop the bus, man!

Ah!

Ah! Holy shit, what was that?

What was that? Jesus Christ! I'm fucking blind, you old boot! That was me!

Stop the bus!

Hello? Patrick?

Hello?

Oh,

and you know one other thing? I don't actually play that piano. It's...

It's really just a very expensive plant stand.

Like, even that's not entirely true. I mean, I know one song.

Would you play it for us? And recklessly exhibit my deficiencies on national

television? Sure.

Why not?

Uh... You made me love you.

I didn't want to do it. I didn't...

Oh, bud, thank you!

Oh, thanks, man. I need to get... What are you doing?

Jackie? Jackie.

Hey. Oh, hey.

That's it. Hey.

Danny stopped payment on his check. Oh, really? What a surprise.

And how many times have I asked you about the book, about this tonight?

Huh? I could have got you out of this.

Nice to see you. Thanks for coming.

You didn't have to humiliate yourself in front of an international audience.

I mean, what are you going to read now?

This place is crawling.

It's crawling with writers, with journalists.

You should get sick.

Jackie, get sick right here, right now. Suzanne, it's going to be fine.

Hey.

Hey, hey, that's it, hey?

My lead pulls out, my financing crashes.

You and I had a deal and you... Habitage me? So I take it that they wasn't

impressed with the stab?

I did well on video.

I am so gonna sue your ass.

What goes around comes around.

Did you?

Oh, you did good.

Since 1921, PEN International has come to the aid of writers

around the world who've been imprisoned and punished for expressing their

opinions. And I'd like to thank you all tonight for your generous support and

for coming out, especially in this weather.

And now, without further ado...

I would like to introduce to you my oldest and dearest friend, a woman truly

the free world and one who understands how it feels to express her opinion.

Ladies and gentlemen, my friend, Jackie York.

Got my invitation here. As you know, I was invited here this evening to read

from my new novel.

Now, if you happen to see the interview on television tonight, you might think

that I don't actually have one to read from.

But I do.

It is the beginning of a work in progress, and I would like to share it

you.

Henry ran himself a bath and padded naked to the kitchen.

To get the toaster.

Henry was depressed.

Depressed and in love.

The girl couldn't have been more than 19.

She sold freshly squeezed juice.

in the labyrinth below the skyscraper where Henry had his law office.

Excuse me. Yeah?

Excuse me. All day long, she stood in a giant fiberglass orange

underneath the ground.

Henry would descend twice, sometimes thrice a day, and they would chat while

prepared his drink.

Truth be told, all that citrus was killing his bladder but it was worth it.

Her eyes were big and sad.

She wore a silver ring on her thumb and an expression that said, I know

something you don't.

He knew that if he asked, She would probably go out with him.

Stop it, he thought.

It's ridiculous.

Embarrassing. He surveyed his bald spot. He thought about his 42 years and about

how his friends would laugh and whisper if he started dating the girl from the

orange.

He plugged the toaster into the socket and stepped into the bath.

As he watched the elements heat up and glow orange, he was overcome with the

desire to see her one more time.

He stepped out of the bath, carried the toaster back to the kitchen, and made

himself an English muffin.

Ridiculous, he said, between bites, embarrassing.

But Henry was mistaken.

Because love may be many things.

Torturous, mad, blinding, even misguided.

But it's a pure thing.

Like art, like music, it connects us.

brings us closer to the meaning of it all, closer to God, and it is never

ridiculous, never embarrassing.

Thank you.

Patrick? Oh, my God.

It's okay, ma 'am. What the hell are you doing?

No, this happens to be my date.

Sorry, man.

Are you all right?

Yeah, never better.

I take it you saw the show.

Yep.

Yeah, I liked it a lot.

You didn't think it was too schmaltzy? No, I think you were very brave to go

with a happy ending. I mean, it's just not done with.

Hey, now you tell me.

Hey,

you know what the word special means?

I don't know for sure.

The way I'm gonna go, you know.

I don't know.

Don't know, don't know But who knows that I'll be so

Thank you.

I hear you calling.

Calling for me out in the night.

But it's all bad.

And I know that.

I see you now about the fifth time, baby. But you know that I got nothing to

say. It's so charming to look on your face.

But your eyes are lighting something I just can't feel now.

I've been around to fly your heart. I'm looking for you just to show the light

of my day.

You've got to make it, you've got to be on your way.

I've been brought up with a head full of news.