Original subtitles

Hey, I'm Trey Jordan, you know, the super mega extraordinary movie star,

spectacular actor from the TV show TCS with Trey Jordan.

Welcome to my crib.

This staircase right here, this is from my mega hit movie, Freaky Ass

Frankenstein. It was shot right here on the staircase.

Oh. And these cities, you see this railing?

This used to be Tyler Perry's.

Sold it.

Come check out my other rooms.

This here is for my proceeds.

I bought this table with the money I made for my hit movie, Little Black

Cracker -Ass Parents.

Coming to a theater near you.

I'm so rich.

Rich.

Rich.

Come on, man.

See what's in my fridge.

Who wants Chinese?

How we do.

Damn, I'm rich.

We're eating.

Hey, who wants Chris Scott?

This is where all the magic happens, right here.

Really. I stole this from Chris Angel.

Fuck you, Chris Angel.

Welcome to my master bath.

This is it, y 'all. This is where it goes down.

I had this shower installed.

You know, when I go out on the club and I bring home my dirty clothes, take them

in and I clean them up just before I take the clothes off.

twice. Told me I'm dirty.

Y 'all remember this?

I know y 'all remember this. In that PCS comedy sketch.

Black to the Future.

Great Scott, Marty. We've gotta go black to the future.

Holy shit. I gotta get black to the future.

Did you check the flux cablacator?

Y 'all remember this.

That's right. When I played the Black Roddy Dangerfield in a TCH sketch, Black

to School, he was always giving me shit all the time about Black this, Black

that in my sketches.

They didn't like Black Zorro.

They didn't like Caddy Black 1. They didn't like Caddy Black 2.

Black Flipper.

And they didn't like Black Enthusiasm.

That's why I took a moment for my people to make a special service announcement.

Black people, stop stealing.

Y 'all want to see my big brown cotton, don't you?

It's sweet, delicious, and it's made of Swiss chocolate.

You see this right here? This is the cheese wood gift that came from Jake

Donaghy, the king of the network when TCS was number one.

We ain't number one no more.

We're not even number 201, I don't think.

You didn't get any of that.

I'm confused, Alicia.

It means big cough with money, but it was much funnier when I thought it than

when I said it out loud.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out what my network comedy skit still needs

to stoke the ratings.

I already hired an erratic black star.

What else can be done?

Well, how about I stroke your ratings?

until they grow Karina

You always make me feel better.

Let me fuck your beautiful breasts, baby.

Your hot, young tits.

Oh, God,

that looks good.

Yes,

baby.

Feels so good.

Oh, God. I'm glad you like it. Oh, God, baby. Tits are so soft.

oh oh no don't come yet oh god that's beautiful

baby oh yeah oh yeah

oh yeah

My sexy little whore.

Yes. You make life worth living, baby.

Suck that big dick, baby. Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

I'm your boss, baby.

I want your boss's cock, baby.

Oh,

yeah.

It's so tight, baby. How does it stay so tight?

You're such a fucking whore. How does it stay so fucking tight?

You fuck everybody, don't you think?

Everybody.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, baby.

You like my cock inside you, baby?

Come on,

baby.

Suck that dick.

Oh, don't you?

Oh, yeah.

Look at those beautiful hands on my dick.

Yeah, baby.

Yeah, baby.

Yeah. Yeah, you know how to take care of it, baby.

Yeah, you're so hot.

You're so fucking hot.

Yeah.

Juicy, sexy bitch.

Juicy fucking bitch.

I want you to taste what you fucking taste like, you

hot cunt.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Yeah, baby.

How's that taste, baby?

Nice, sweet, young, Latina cunt, baby.

Now you know what I feel like, baby.

Come on.

Too bad you can't fuck yourself. You fucking whore.

Yeah,

baby. Yeah, baby. Suck that dick.

Grab my balls while you suck my dick. Come on.

Oh, come on.

Stick your cunt on my face, baby. I want to eat you while you eat me. Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Get your leg back, baby.

That's it.

Oh, yeah.

Come on. Bring it back, baby.

Ah.

Ah.

God, I want you, baby. You feel like a horrid dick, baby?

I feel real.

I want you so bad.

Come on, baby.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, God, baby, I love your cunt. I love that cunt.

It's too fucking hot.

Too fucking hot. No man could last in that country.

You'll always have a job with me baby.

Just the way I wanna fuck you, baby.

Get your beautiful body, baby.

I'm crazy about you, babe.

How sexy you are, baby.

You're too sexy, baby.

Oh, yeah.

God, I want you so bad, baby.

Don't ever leave me, baby.

Don't ever leave me.

Yeah, baby.

I'm going to come over your beautiful tits, baby.

Don't hide your nipples, baby.

Oh, yeah.

Put them together, baby.

Oh, God,

baby. Oh, don't hide your nipples, baby.

So, you got any big ideas?

Will I have sex?

Ladies and gentlemen, please follow me on the forum in SCS TV Studios, home of

such great programs as America's Next Top Methodist, According to Himmler, and

of course the His Sketch comedy show, TCS, with Trey Jordan.

And what luck!

It's one of the stars of TCS, Miss Jenny Marona!

Yeah, very kind of.

You know, I grew up in a very small town.

There was hardships, you know? We had barber shops, but no bleach.

Hey, yo, check this shit out.

Me, me, bop, bop.

I'm a black robot, motherfucker.

But, hey, look at me. I'm a black robot, too.

Racist.

Look, it's Mr. Trey Jordan. Star of such blockbuster movies as... I'm a black

cowboy, bitch.

My cracker honey gets croaky with it. And are we motherfucking there yet?

you. Thank you, Ken.

All you white people, thank you for making me so rich.

See this chain?

It was Dracula's.

And here, fans of TCS, is the comedy trifecta, Ms. Liz

Lyman, the producer.

Hi, Ken.

I hope you all enjoy the show.

Thank you, Miss Lyman. Oh, and a couple of quick messages for you. Your doctor

called. It's not a grope. It's a small vibrating rubber toy that must have got

stuck in your vagina.

It's not.

It's not.

Don't judge me.

You all just paid to take a tour of my workplace.

You should be ashamed.

Oh, and Miss Lyman, by the way, Mr. Donagree is waiting for you on set.

And on our right is the bathroom, if anyone needs to tinkle.

Don't you think that Welcome Back Hotter is maybe a little dated for a sketch?

What are you going to do next, Spartacus?

Hey, when are we going to shoot the gay gladiator sketch?

Did you say something?

Not a word, sir.

Listen, I want this sketch comedy show to be fresh, Lyman.

Don't you want this show to be fresh?

I think I've done fresh with keeping it real and bringing the beat back and

walking the dinosaur.

Look, Lyman, you and I aren't so different. Except for maybe your Ross

card, which has clearly given you free reign to buy your entire wardrobe from

under a sign marked discontinued clothing 75 % off.

We both want this show to succeed.

And dressing Jenny as Patsy just isn't going to... Cut it.

No, sir.

No way.

What do you mean, no way?

No, you don't want the show to succeed?

No, you don't want to be like me?

No, you don't want to stop dressing like a Walmart greeter?

Listen, when you brought Trey on the show, I went with it. When you wanted to

change the name of the show, I went with it.

Whatever you want to do now, I'm not going with it.

Well, then.

You leave me no choice.

Well, what are you going to do, fire me?

No.

I'm going to give Trey a promotion to executive producer if you don't do this.

Well, he'll just... He'll just what?

Lionel, come here.

Listen, as king of the show... Producer.

Producer, whatever.

I want to make a few changes.

Instead of having a musical guest each week.

I want to have a midget in a clown outfit fighting a large dog with

I know. I don't think we could do any more animal sketches.

Get it?

So what would you like me to do to freshen up the show?

Sex.

Sex. Believe me, Lyman, sex is what sells on TV.

Microwave ovens aren't a different story.

You need violence to sell microwaves.

And that's why I teach you, bitch.

Welcome, Black Cotter.

I want you to write a sketch for me while I'm a cop.

Okay. Getting up at the crack of dawn, putting on my uniform, never using

electricity, raising bombs.

Oh, try it.

That's an Amish guy. Then who's the ones walking around, moaning, with their

clothes all torn, eating brains?

Zombies? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. A zombie Amish cop.

Yeah. Okay?

Yeah. I have something interesting to talk to you guys about.

You're going, Lesbo?

No, Fred, I'm not going to be a lesbian.

You're going to try to change everyone's mind about you?

What? Nobody likes me?

You're going to get that surgery where they replace your knees with jet fuel

rocket knees.

And when the guys come up and be like, yo, nice knees, baby, you can be like,

thanks. And then burn his face off with your rocket knees.

It's a cold bitch, Lima.

Damn.

What? Was it rocket fuel knees? Jake wants us to add more sex.

the show.

Listen, we can do this as long as we don't get hacky and we don't write any

sketch about guys driving around a white van picking up amateurs, okay?

Hi, Ms. Lyman. How are you doing today?

Hi, Ken. What do you want? I'm supposed to pick up a pre -taped sketch for two

and a half men and a cup.

Rudy has the tape. You can pick it up from him. Yes, ma 'am.

Okay, so see what you guys can do with this.

You know, Fred, a great sex sketch featuring an attractive blonde could

said blonde into the limelight.

Was any of that in English?

What I'm saying is, if I were trying to get my star to rise, a great sketch by a

great writer would probably do that for me.

So now you want to be a comedy writer?

No. Stay with me here.

Okay. I... You.

Want you to... Want me to... Write me a good sketch.

So you can say that you did it.

No, fuck it. I'm just going to fuck the shit out of you and you're going to

write me a good sketch.

Okay.

Get up on the table.

You fucking cunt.

Thank you. I mean, thank you. Thank you very much, Sherry.

Hey, I have a quick question.

How did you get into this business?

Oh, when I was a little girl, I had this dog named Rafi.

He was an Israeli setter.

He was like gray and white, little dog.

I used to take him for walks.

Yeah, he died a little while ago.

It was pretty sad.

Oh shit.

Wow.

Oh shit.

Wow. Oh shit.

Yeah, we should go through that.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ugh.

Look at me.

Shit.

Oh shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

That's when I got this job.

Yes. Yes, you certainly did.

Well, I just want to say thank you for that.

I really needed it.

Hey, dummy.

Danny, what are you doing here? We broke up like months ago.

Well, I called your cell phone. It was out of service.

So I bought you a beeper.

I'm kind of more of a cell phone kind of girl by now.

What, are you kidding me?

You're dating New York's Prince of Pagers.

You're a beeper royalty.

I'm not going to have my princess be caught with some clunky cell phone.

Well, it actually was pretty compact.

But... Did you just call me princess?

Oh, yes, I did.

You know, you can be quite romantic sometimes.

Does that mean we can bone?

Fine.

Rudy! Rudiger! Get in here.

Whoa, whoa.

What's this?

Don't worry about it, babe.

It's just for me. No one will ever see it.

What could possibly go wrong?

You're okay with it, right?

Yeah.

Please. Oh, you know I want it.

Oh, give it to me.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Oh, I love it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like that.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Yes, please smack my ass.

Yes.

That's so fucking good.

Yes.

Fucking cocktails so good. Yes. Yes. Oh, grab me and fuck me. Just like that.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Fuck yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes. Yes.

Give it to me. Give me that fucking couch.

You know I love it.

Oh, I love it.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck you.

Yes, there you go.

right there nice and fucking deep yes oh please yes

It's so good.

Yes, right there.

Oh, I love it.

Oh, fuck, yes.

Deep inside me.

Fucking deep. Oh.

Give it to me, please.

Fucking gun

How's that feel?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Screw you.

Yeah, especially halfway through when you decide to offer me that new deal on

pagers.

No princess of mine is gonna pay full price on pagers.

Now check out this hilarious skit.

I don't know what you're so upset about, Lyman.

The ratings for your show are through the roof.

And all because you stuck your ass out to the team.

And my boobies are all over television, sir.

And because of them, your show is a hit.

So embarrassed.

Sure, you were howling and panting hilariously like a rabid dog in heat.

But the point is, you took one for the team.

And as hilarious as it was, I will forever respect you for that.

Yeah, that was real noble of me.

What? I'm sorry, I was just listening to someone else.

Someone else?

There's no one else in this room except me and Ken.

Thank you.

And please come back to see me again soon, Lyman.

Ken, good job on that little tape mix -up.

Thank you, Mr. Donoghue. You keep this up, and one day, you'll make Senior

Wow. Me?

Senior Page.

Senior Page!

Hello, my little flour tortilla.

You're so powerful now that you've gotten your promotion, and you just

town from El Cuapo.

Please, take this Paco, and our bodies is your reward.

Yeah.

Yeah. And you come sit right over there.

Oh.

on your page.

From the makers of the hit TV show TCS with Trey Jordan comes a whole new

spinoff series.

Amish zombie cop starring Trey Jordan.

Not today, copper.

You can run, but you can't hide from the Amish

zombie cop.

Jackson, good day to be a cop.

He'll serve up justice for the side of brains.

He'll eat your brains, child turkey.

I'm playing around, Jackson.

Electricity, sucker.

I'm a zombie cop. Always gets a fan.

He likes brains, justice, and raising bonds.

Amish zombie cop Amish

zombie

cop When

his partner dies Amish zombie cop bows rebe -

zombie cop coming this fall.