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[ string instruments playing staccato melody]

[ eerie waltz theme building]

[ eerie waltz theme crescendoes]

[ crowd applauding]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I would now like to introduce

a legend in our industry.

She s the most successful president

in the history of our network

and for the past five years

has kept us at the very top of the ratings.

She s our maverick, our wild card,

and today she s gonna take us right to the edge.

Please welcome a giant, a genius

and the hardest-working person in television: Joanna Eberhart.

[ cheering, applause]

WOMAN: Way to go, Joanna!

Thank you all so much. Thank you.

WOMAN: Joanna!

That feels good,

especially coming from such a fantastic group of people

from all across our great nation,

our network affiliates.

Give yourselves a great big hand.

You deserve it.

And I want

a big, fat Christmas bonus.[ laughter]

Just kidding, but not really because...

I am so excited, I am so on fire,

I am so guts-and-glory passionate

about what I am about to show you.

So get ready because on Monday nights

the whole world will be watching a man, a woman and a buzzer!

[ rousing theme music plays]

Are you ready for the final gender challenge?

Who makes more money?

I do.

Who enters Ironman triathlons every year and wins?

I do.

Who secretly wishes they were married to a hot, sexy lesbian?

I do! I do!

It s Tara!

[ game show audience cheers]

[ rousing theme music plays]

[ applause]

And...

[ applause quiets]...on Thursdays...

No, this is not just a TV show.

No, this is a breakthrough,

a breakout, a break-all-the-rules

and bring-on-the-Emmys mega-smash!

[ cheering]Yes!

Can I present to you

this planet s ultimate reality phenomenon?

I Can Do Better!

[ applause, cheers]

[ tribal drum-flavored theme music plays]

[ male chorus chanting]

JOANNA: We will all be right there as happily-married couples

are flown first class to a tropical island paradise

where they will be completely surrounded

by professional prostitutes.

And at the end of the week...

Well, let s take a peek.

Well, it s been a week,

and Hank, our personnel manager from Omaha,

has spent the entire seven days with Vanessa,

our call girl and exotic dancer.

Yeah, it s been amazing.

And I ll admit we ve had some fun

in the hot tub and all.

But you wanna know something, Billy?

All we did was talk...

because I love my wife...

and the only place I want to be

is back in Omaha

with my Barbara.

Tough break, Nessa.

And Barbara, you spent Monday with Rocky,

our bodybuilder and male escort,

Tuesday through Thursday with the entire cast

of the XXX film Hung Jury,

and you spent the entire weekend with Tonkiro.

And now it s time

for the final decision.

Barbara, it s yours to make.

Is it gonna be Omaha?

Or "Oma-hunks"?

Well...

before I came on this show I only had sex with one man,

and that was usually Hank.

I love Hank deeply and forever with all my heart,

and I would never do anything to hurt him.

But I can do better!

[ jubilant, tropical-flavored music playing]

[ applause, cheering]

The battle of the sexes, as old as time but as--

MAN: Why?

Uh... [ laughs]

Excuse me?

Why did you do it?

Oh, my God, it s Hank from I Can Do Better.

Hank, everyone.[ applause]

No, stop it.[ applause fades]

I love Barbara. I had a family. I had a life.

Hank,

I know it hurts.

Love isn t easy.

Relationships aren t easy, not for anyone.

But now you know the truth about Barbara,

and you are gonna move on with your life.

And you re gonna meet someone wonderful,

and America is gonna love you.

[ applause]

Yeah. I ve got a great idea for another hot new show.

Well, tell it to us.

It s called...

Let s Kill All the Women.

WOMAN: He s got a gun!

[ screams]

Oh!

Joanna, are you all right?I am great.

Raring to go. The police were sensational.

And not a scratch.

You haven t heard?About what?

That man, Hank.Ugh!

Right before he tried to kill you,

he went to see his ex-wife and five of her new boyfriends.

He did?He shot all of them.

The wife is in critical condition,

and four of the guys are on life support.

Tonkiro? He s fine.

Thank God.So you know what this means.

Of course.

We pay for all of their medical treatment, every penny.

We get them the very best therapist,

childcare, rehab,

whatever they need,

and then we fly them to New York, first class,

for a prime-time special,

Hank and Barbara: Let the Healing Begin.

You re not listening.

We can t wear this.

The lawsuits alone may bankrupt the network.

And all your new shows, the whole lineup,

the affiliates won t touch them.

We have shareholders.

We can t let you sink the network.

But we wish you only the best.

[ distorted choral theme builds]

[ softly gasps]

[ distorted choral theme crescendoes]

Of course.

Thank you for being so classy and taking this so well.

[ eerie waltz theme playing]

Joanna, we just wanted to say that this is so not fair.

[ elevator chimes]

Goodbye, everybody!

All the best!

[ Joanna shrieks]

Jo?Mm.

Ah, Walter.

What happened?

Well, you ve had a complete nervous collapse.

Ah...

And the doctors say there s a lot of work to do,

but you re gonna be just fine.

Oh, and Pete made this for you.

Oh, that s so sweet.Isn t it?

And I wanted you to know

that the minute I heard the news,

I called the network and I quit.

You did that for me?Of course.

I know I was only a vice president,

but I could never work for those people,

not after the way they treated you.

Oh, Walter...

And do you remember what today is?

It s our anniversary.

Oh, Walter...

...I m so sorry.

Maybe that man who tried to shoot me,

maybe he was right.

Maybe I ve become the wrong kind of woman.

Maybe I ve made all of the wrong decisions.

Could we get away and start over?

And get it right, our marriage?

But why are we moving?To Connecticut?

We re moving so that we can all kick back

and have a great new life in this beautiful new town.

[ birds chirping]

Name? Kresby.

Welcome to Stepford.Thanks.

[ choir chanting ethereally, idyllic theme playing]

What do you think, guys?

Cool.

Good. Honey?

Hello, everyone. I m Mrs. Wellington.

Welcome to Stepford.

I m with Stepford Realty. We spoke on the phone.

You must be Walter.So nice to meet you in person.

And the little ones.

I bet you re Pete.

Duh.Pete!

And he s every bit as handsome as his dad.

Thank you.

And Kimberly, aren t you just the cutest little bug s ear.

Bugs don t have ears.

[ gasps]

Isn t she sassy, and a little sad.

And this must be Joanna.

Electroshock?But she s doing great.

Hello, little Energizer.

The minute Walter called,

I knew this was the perfect house for you.

It s the top of the line here at Stepford Estates,

and it s got everything

an American family could ever need.

And may I present to you...

PETE: Look at this.KIMBERLY: This is amazing.

...the great room.

I call it cozy.

And it s also a smart house.

Now, this controls the security system.

[ sensor pinging]

[ locks turning]

ELECTRONIC VOICE: All secure.

It talks to the refrigerator.[ pings]

ELECTRONIC VOICE: We need juice, we need juice, we need juice.

The system also monitors all the commodes.

[ pings]

Where it will test your urine

for blood sugar, protein and body fat.

[ pings]

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Flush toilets.

[ toilets flushing]

Isn t that great, kids?

I m gonna go check my room.

Me too.

[ giggles]

Now, Walter, will you be commuting?

No.

[ sighs]

Uh, no, Joanna and I both left the network.

[ barking sound]

Oh, look, it s the puppy.

Robo Rover 3000.

Come on, boy. Come on, come on, come on.

[ thudding, distorted barks]

[ laughs]

[ Robo Rover barks]

[ birds chirping]

[ sighs]

[ suspenseful theme plays softly]

[ car horn honks]

CLAIRE: Joanna.

The town is over 200 years old.

It was founded by George Washington,

and Martha just loved it.

Stepford is Connecticut s family paradise.

It has no crime,

no poverty and no pushing.

What is that? Up on the hill?

Well, that s our Stepford Men s Association.

Where all our wonderful guys can get together

and stay out of our hair.

Am I right?

Where do the women go?

To the Simply Stepford Day Spa.

Good morning, ladies.

WOMEN [ in unison]: Good morning, Claire.

I would like you all to welcome

our newest citizen to Stepford: Joanna.

[ in unison]: Good morning, Joanna.

Are we ready to work out?

Oh, yes. Yes.Great.

Places and poles, please.

Wait, you work out dressed like this?

Well, of course.

Whatever we do, we always want to look our very best.

I mean, why, imagine if our husbands saw us

in worn, dark, urban sweat clothes

with stringy hair and almost no makeup?

[ women murmuring]WOMAN: Oh, good heavens!

Now,

today you are in for a special treat

because we are working on a series of exercises,

which I ve personally invented, based on simple household tasks.

I call my program Clairobics.

Because her name is Claire.

All right, now it s time to slim and scrub.

[ Walter Murphy s "A Fifth of Beethoven" playing]

Let s all be washing machines. And...

Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga.

Chugga-chugga- chugga-chugga.

Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga- chugga-chugga-choo.

And chugga-chugga- chugga-chugga.

Chugga-chugga- chugga-chugga.

Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga- chugga-chugga-choo.

Come on, Joanna.

WOMEN [ in unison]: Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga...

Spin cycle, ladies, and whoosh!

And whoosh!

And whoosh!

And whoosh!

Sweet.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Who s the man?

You the man.

Thank you, dear.

[ door opens]

MAN 1: Walter?MAN 2: Hey, how are ya?

MAN 3: Hey, how you doing?MAN 4: Walter Kresby.

MAN 5: Good to see you.MAN 2: Ted Van Sant.

MAN 1: I m Stan Peters. Come on in, come on in.

Mike said you were coming.MAN 2: Nice to see you.

MAN 1: Come on in.

MAN [ on speaker]: Hear ye, hear ye.

Come one, come all, and happy Fourth of July.

At 1:30 will be the children s Stars and Stripes,

face painting...

WALTER: Isn t this great?

A real old-fashioned town picnic.

Can t get this in Manhattan.

Which is why we re gonna stay exactly ten minutes.

We re gonna make an appearance,

and then we re gonna get out of here.

Kids, I m really sorry about all of this,

but let s try and have fun, hm?

Mom, it s a picnic.

Chill.

Go ahead, go ahead, have fun.

Ten minutes?

Walter, you just don t get it.

These women are like

deranged-flight-attendant friendly.

They re gonna be all over me.WOMAN: Joanna!

Here we go.

Oh, Joanna.Hello, Joanna.

Joanna, hi.

Hi, Walter.

Hi.

You look great.I love you in khakis.

They re new, a little experiment.

Now I know why they call it BananaRepublic.

[ women gasp, giggle]

WOMAN: Excuse me. Excuse me!

Excuse me, ladies.

MAN: Hey!Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me

Excuse me.

Am I the only one who finds all of this

more than a little disturbing?

We are celebrating our nation s birthday,

but there are almost no African Americans,

no Native Americans, no Asian Americans,

and... Oh, my God.

Hey, you re Joanna Eberhart.

Yes.You got such a raw deal.

Aren t you Bobbie Markowitz? Yes.

I love your books, especially the last one.

What was it called?

It was about your relationship with your mother.

I Love You, But Please Die. MAN: Hey, baby. Baby.

Look what I did, look.

[ wolf whistles]

Happy Fourth of July, everybody.

Excuse me. Is this guy bothering you?

Yes, he s my husband.

Hey Kresbo-Man.

Hey, Dave.How do you know each other?

Men s Association.That place.

Did you finish the laundry?No, I finished a chapter.

Did you make the sandwiches?Did you?

Where are the kids?What kids?

Our kids.Hey, are you two okay?

BOBBIE & DAVE: We re fine.

Come on, I need a cookie.

See what I mean?

Jerry... Jerry, it s a bake sale,

an actual bake sale.

It s like some sort of heavenly diorama

at the Smithsonian in the Hall of Homemakers.

Oh, no. No, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

That is not cobbler.Roger, could we--?

Could we reel it in, like, a couple of hundred yards?

How do you ladies keep your figures?

Is there just a huge vat of cobbler vomit somewhere?

But worth it?Roger.

Oh, I m sorry.

That is...This is fabulous.

Jerry thinks that I overdo, you know, everything.

JOANNA: Excuse me,

um, aren t you Roger Bannister?

The amazing architect from The Times?

Oh, thank you. This is Jerry Harmon.

BOBBIE: Hi.Corporate attorney.

But he s getting the help that he needs so--

Stop it. You stop it.

We re new.Oh, my God, Joanna Eberhart.

I love the shows.Oh, thank you.

And Bobbie Markowitz.

Love the books.

Jerry, how did this happen? Where did you come from?

I mean, right here in Stepford.

People.

Attention, attention, Fourth of July funsters,

grab your partners because it s time

for some sizzling Stepford square dancing, so come on in.

Square dancing?Cowgirls?

We re in hell.Yee-haw.

Come on, Bobbie.

[ fiddle playing a lively jig]

Howdy.

Howdy. Howdy. Howdy.

Okay, everybody ready to kick up your heels

for some barn-busting Stepford high-stepping?

[ crowd cheers]

CLAIRE: Okay.

Bow to your partners, lose your cares ♪

Bow.

Oh. Bow.

There you go.

CLAIRE: Stepford stallions love their mares ♪

All men left, all men right ♪

Rope that filly, she won t bite ♪

All join hands and circle sweet ♪

Please your cowboy with your feet ♪

Nice shirt, Stan.MAN: Thanks.

[ men whooping, shouting]

Yahoo!

Yee-haw! Yahoo!

[ stammering]

WOMAN: Yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay,

yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay,

yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay...Honey.

...yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay.Now, calm down, baby.

Do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do...

Whoa......do-si-do, do-si-do...

Back up, guy....do-si-do, do-si-do--

[ heels screech]

Jesus.

Do-do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do.

Excuse me. Excuse me.WOMAN 2: Is she all right?

HUSBAND: It s okay.Excuse me.

Do-si-do.

All right. Okay. Don t try to move her.

[ whispers]: She s drunk.

There s no need, thank you.She s blond.

WOMAN: Do-si-do.WALTER: Jo, you re not a doctor.

JOANNA: Walter, I can take care of this. I ran a network.

WALTER: Somebody call 911.MAN: Mike s here.

Mike.

[ sighs]Do-si-do.

Mike.

Do-si-do.

Do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do.

WALTER: Mike.MIKE: It s okay. I m here.

Walter, the missus.

The missus?Jo, Jo.

Walter, what is your problem?

MAN 2: Excuse me.MIKE: Stand back, please.

JOANNA: Hey! Uh, excuse...

MAN 3: Excuse me.JOANNA: I can t-- Ex--

Do-si-do, do-si--

[ electrical zapping]

What was that?

Herb, Dave,

give me a hand, and we ll get Sarah right into my Hummer.

Your Hummer?MAN 4: It s a sweet ride.

It s roomy.Here you go.

We need an ambulance. You shouldn t be moving her.

She might need oxygen, paramedics.

[ playing jig]

Everything isn t always about you, Jo.

Walter.

She ll be fine.

It s-- It s too much sun. She s dehydrated.

Dehydrated? Are you crazy?

Jo. I m sorry about this, Mike.

Joanna. Joanna,

this is a very special moment.

I would like you to meet...

Mike Wellington.

My husband.

Oh...

And you must be the famous Joanna.

You re even prettier than in the newspapers.

They don t do you justice.

Excuse me, that woman is very sick.

Thank you. I should be going with her.

She ll get all the help she needs.

Trust me, little lady.

That woman had a seizure,

and she was practically levitating.

And I have told you five million times

I phoned Herb.

He said that Sarah is fine.

She just needed some fluids, just like Mike said.

She was sparking, Walter.She was dancing.

Then why wasn t there a doctor anywhere?

And why...?Shh. Kids.

[ groans]

[ whispers]: Why...?

Walter!

Walter! And why did everyone

just automatically listen to that Mike person?

And why, why was everyone just standing there?

You mean why weren t they just listening to you?

That s not what I m saying!Jesus Christ, Joanna!

What?You were fired,

your kids barely know you,

and our marriage is falling apart.

Shh!And your whole attitude

makes people want to kill you.

It makes people try to kill you.

That s what we re doing here.

The people in this town have been nothing

but friendly and welcoming and wonderful to you.

And you ve been nothing but snide and suspicious.

And on top of that, at the picnic you humiliated me.

Well, I can t do it anymore.

I can t keep fighting you

for every inch of everything. Game over.

Marriage over.Oh, no!

No!

No what?

Please don t go.

Why not?Because you re right.

Wait, I m sorry. I don t think I heard that.

What did you just say?

I said, you re right.

About?

About everything.

Oh... About me.

Do you know why I signed on at the network?

Because I thought that if I was around,

I could help you lighten up.

You did?

Yeah, I did. What was that one show called?

I Can Do Everybody?

[ laughs]See, that s what I mean.

I wanted to make you laugh.

That s so sweet, but I...

I was busy. I was...

I was running a network, Walter.

You were so busy that we haven t made love in over a year.

I know.

Well, I miss you.I...

But I ve always loved you so much. I...

You know that.

Why?

Because... Because...

...you re goofy, and you re...

You re handsome, and you re... You re...

You re my Walter.

And because when you play computer chess

you do that little, uh...

You do that little victory dance. Whoo-whoo.

I do not. I don t do that.

Yes, you do.No, I don t.

Mm-hm.

Ah...

But if I m not the smartest

and the best of the best and the most successful,

then I don t know, who am I?

Do you wanna find out?

How?

First of all, we re in the country now,

so no more black.

No more black? Are you insane?You heard me.

Only high-powered, neurotic, castrating,

Manhattan career bitches wear black.

Is that what you wanna be?

Ever since I was a little girl.

[ sighs]

Do I really look okay?

Can I be honest?

Mm-hm.

You look kind of like Betty Crocker.

I know.

At Betty Ford.ELECTRONIC VOICE: We need milk.

We need milk. We need milk. Thank you.

Look, I m trying to make an effort to change.

I mean, last night my husband was a different person.

He was strong, he was forceful, he was commanding.

Like your refrigerator.

Well, nobody said it was gonna be easy being a homemaker

and a stay-at-home mom.

It s the toughest job in the world, right?

Well, that may be, but these Stepford women,

they re a whole other dimension.

Oh, like yesterday,

that poor lady, Sarah Sunderson.

Walter said she s fine.

But you said she was shooting off sparks from her ears.

Now, that s the first sign.

Of what?Cheap jewelry.

We should go see her.Why?

Because we need to be supportive.

That s how people behave outside of Manhattan.

They care about each other.

I mean, if you were in New York

and one of your neighbors got sick, what would you do?

We d call her.To see if she was gonna die.

So we could get the apartment.

Let s go. Hm? Up. Up. Up.

[ knocking]

JOANNA: Sarah?

Yoo-hoo.Yoo-hoo? Is she in there?

What are you doing?It s open.

That s amazing.So sweet.

And so trusting.

Roger.

Roger.

Look at this place.Wow.

Sarah?Sarah?

[ scoffs]

[ woman and man moaning passionately]

Roger.

[ woman moans, squeals]

WOMAN: Oh, Herb.

HERB: Oh, baby.WOMAN: Oh! Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, make me beg!Yeah!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, I m so lucky![ rhythmic thudding]

Oh, my God.Is that a DVD?

No, it s them.

SARAH: Uh-huh. Oh... Oh! Oh...

Oh, you re the king!

Uh-huh! Oh! Oh! [ laughs]

Yes! Oh! Oh! Oh!

[ Sarah shrieking piercingly]

[ shrieking continues]

[ shrieking dies out, Sarah inhales deeply]

SARAH: Oh!

I m going up there.Why?

Roger!I want some.

Roger. Roger.

[ Sarah giggling]

Shh.

Shh, shh, shh.

HERB: Baby, grab me some nachos.SARAH: Yes, dear.

JOANNA: We should get out of here.

ROGER: Shh.

What s this?

Ooh.

Roger, put it down.What? Oh, come on. Shh.

JOANNA: Roger.Why does it say Sarah?

Roger, you should put it down now.

Let s get out of here.This isn t our house.

Oh, stop. Would you just quit?

[ button beeps]JOANNA: We have to, Roger.

BOBBIE: For God s sake, we re trespassing.

We have to get out of here.

Put it down.Come on.

Okay, let s try and use this.

We have to go. [ thud]

ROGER: She s coming. She s coming.

BOBBIE: Hurry, hurry, hurry.

[ laughing, talking indistinctly]

I m so embarrassed.

I m mortified. I m famished.

Oh! Ooh!

[ dramatic chord plays]

JOANNA: Bobbie.Yeah?

Are you making anthrax?

Excuse me.

I ve been busy. My new book.

But can t you hire someone to clean?

Someone brave?

Dave says I got to do it myself, like Sarah Sunderson.

Ooh, could you believe her?

But, darling, her home is spotless.

And she s having incredible sex

in the middle of the day with her husband.

Well, I m sorry,

but my shrink says I need creative chaos.

My therapist says I need boundaries.

My doctor said I need

enough electricity to jumpstart Vegas.

Whoo!

You ever done Zoloft?

Oh! Kid stuff.

Xanax. I worship Xanax. I m old-fashioned.

I like Prozac with a Viagra chaser.

You re up, and you re up!

Oh, Roger.

Viagra.

Hey, is there something that you need to tell us?

Well...

Sharing. Mm-hm.

Okay. Okay.

Jerry and I have been in couple s counseling...

for over a year...

and finally...

Finally I just couldn t take it anymore.

I howled, "You ve become a gay Republican."

And he said, "What s wrong with that?"

I said, "What s wrong with that?

That s like wanting to be gay with a bad haircut."

Exactly.

So the counselor suggested that we move to the burbs.

To find a balance.

We moved here as a last resort.

Court order. Don t ask.

Okay. I know this is unthinkable,

but what if we could actually learn how to be happy...

without Paxil or compulsive overeating?

What if we actually gave this whole thing a try for real,

the whole Stepford thing?

[ men yelling in distance]

[ loud cheering, shouting]

Get em. Get em.Whoo.

Hey, yeah!Only one can survive.

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

DAVE: Come on, Kresbo, baby.

Zeus! Zeus!Rip her bra off!

MEN: Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

Yeah!Yeah!

Zeus rules the universe!

And Ted owes Walter 20 big ones!

Ah, to be a man.

Whoo!

[ Walter sighs]

So, Walt,

you and Stepford, it seems like a real match.

I ll say. I mean, the town and the houses. This place.

Well, it s like a dream. It s like...

Like the way life was meant to be.

And all of your wives. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. They re so... So, um...

Sweet?[ men chuckling]

Sizzling?

Super fine?

[ men laugh]

[ bright, pastoral theme plays]

Well... [ laughs]

We are all so thrilled to be here

at the Stepford Book Club,

I can t tell you.

Mm.

Now, I have just finished the third volume

of Robert Caro s Life of Lyndon Johnson,

and I am dying for the next installment.

Well... [ laughs]

That s all marvelous,

but today we are going to discuss...

Well, it is probably

the most important book any of us will ever read.

Yes, it is provocative, but it is also inspiring.

The Heritage Hills Special Edition Golden Deluxe Treasury

of Christmas Keepsakes and Collectibles.

[ gasping, squealing]

[ applause, chattering]

This book said to me,

"Let s celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ

with yarn."

[ sighing]WOMAN: That s beautiful.

Now, Bobbie,

we all realize you re probably feeling

a bit uncomfortable with this week s book

because you re...

Oh, what s the word I m looking for?

New?

Scared?Cranky?

Jewish.

Same thing.

But the Heritage Hill series is very inclusive.

In fact, there is a whole chapter about Hanukkah.

WOMEN: Oh.

I just love the chapter on pinecones.

They re not just for wreaths and centerpieces.

You can use pinecones to create a very special Yuletide menorah.

Your pinecone snowman could be Jewish.

Just add one of those little beanies.

Or maybe I could just use hundreds of pinecones

to spell out the words, "Big Jew,"

in letters 15 feet tall in the snow in my front yard.

That s a wonderful idea.[ women laugh]

WOMAN: Oh, yes, yes.WOMAN 2: That s very wonderful.

WOMAN 3: Yes.WOMAN 4: She s so smart.

I love the idea of creating a life-sized Santa Claus,

all out of pinecones.Okay, I love that.

I m going to use a pinecone in my nativity as the baby Jesus.

And I m going to attach a pinecone to my vibrator

and have a really merry Christmas.

Oh...

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus ♪

Right down Santa Claus Lane ♪

He s got a bag that s filled with toys ♪

For the boys and girls again ♪

Hear those sleigh bells jingle-jangle ♪

What a beautiful sight ♪

So jump in bed, cover up your head ♪

Because Santa Claus comes tonight ♪

CLAIRE: Who?Santa Claus comes tonight ♪

[ men laughing]

Joanna, how is she fitting in?

Well...

Okay...

I m among friends, right?

Of course. Yeah.

So...

Joanna and I had this big talk,

and we were really open with each other.

I mean, we really got it all out.

And I think from now on...

...she s gonna be very, very different.

[ stifled laughter]

You think Joanna s really going to change?

Yes, I do. Absolutely.

And how long have you been married?

[ laughter]

[ laughter fades]Ted!

Yes.

Don t you owe Walter $20?

That s absolutely right, I do.

Babe!

[ footsteps]

Yes, darling?

Walt, sit down.

[ sighs]

I need 20.

You know my PIN.Of course.

[ teeth clicking, electronic beep]

[ beeping, whirring]

[ beeping, clicking]

[ buzzing, whirring]

[ gears grinding]

[ eerie waltz theme playing, ethereal chorus vocalizing ]

She gives singles.

[ men chuckle, laugh]

[ men clapping]

[ beep, motor whirs down]

[ man laughs, speaks indistinctly]

[ timer chimes]

Ah.

Are these all for day camp tomorrow?

I just want you to be proud of me, honey.

[ Robo Rover barks]

PETE: Dad, watch this.

Ball.

[ squeaks] Hm?

Aren t robots cool?

Oh, yeah.

May I speak to the man of the house?

Snot-butt.Bugmaster Markowitz.

Stone-cold Thriller Killer Kresbo.

Cupcakes, anyone?

Cupcakes!Cupcakes.

Hey, right on time.

Jo, these are smoking.

Why don t you make stuff like this?

Why don t you?

Because I have a penis.

We should get moving.Yeah, we got a meeting.

At the Men s Association.

When will you be home, honey?

When I m home.

[ door opens, closes][ sighs]

[ speaking indistinctly]

Call a sitter.

JOANNA [ whispers]: Bobbie, are you sure about this?

BOBBIE: We re not spying. We re just visiting.

Fellas, I can t tell you how happy we are

to welcome all of this new blood.

MAN: You said it, Mike.MAN 2: That s right.

ROGER: I love, love this space.

It s very Ralph Lauren meets Sherlock Holmes.

To me, it says, "I have taste and a scrotum."

Roger, you promised.What?

Whore.Bore.

Sorry.

No, no, no. Jerry, you re gonna find

that Stepford is very open-minded and...

MAN: Oh, yeah.

...we welcome you and your partner,

just like any other couple.

MAN 2: Absolutely. Any other.MAN 3: Of course.

MAN 4: That s right.Girlfriend.

Miss-- Miss Thing.

To Stepford!

[ in unison]: Stepford!

[ men chattering]

MAN 5: You bet.

MAN 6: Yeah.

[ chattering continues]

Dang it. Come on, let s go.

You think this is all right, sneaking around?

Add it up.

All the women around here are perfect sex-kitten bimbos.

All the men are drooling nerds.

Doesn t that seem strange?Not to me.

Why not?I work in television.

Oh, come on.

You know, Walter, I think Joanna is right.

I think Stepford is the answer.

She s a great gal.Or she will be.

[ thud]

BOBBIE: Come on, help me up.JOANNA: We shouldn t be here.

Oh, come on. Don t be such a chicken.

I should be home with my cupcakes. Why?

Because you only made 5,000 of them?

We re trespassing.Only if we get caught.

Damn, I can t see a thing.

Oh, there s the light. There it is.

No, Bobbie.

This is like some alien freak show.

Why? They re just family portraits.

Yeah, that s what I said.

[ footsteps approaching]

The lights.

We should get out of here.

Shh!

Should we run?Shh.

Oh, my God.

[ imitates Hannibal Lecter]: Clarice?

[ tongue flicking lips]

Hi, girls!

Roger!

You scared us.

What are you doing in here?What s going on?

Do they have hookers or old Playboys or cable porn?

Oh, please. They barely have throw pillows.

[ footsteps approaching]Ooh!

BOBBIE: They re coming.The menfolk.

Call us. Okay.

MIKE: Rog?

What was it? Did you see anyone?

Not a soul.

But what s back here anyway, in all of these rooms?

Storage? Sweaters?

Bodies?

Jerry.

Do you see that door on your left?

Check it out.

Oh, boy.

Why, I can t see anything. It s dark.

Use your flashlight.Oh.

I feel like Nancy Drew

in The Mystery of the Mid-life Crisis.

Hm. What am I looking for?

Look down.

[ motor whirring]

[ whirring stops]

[ scoffs]

Uh...

Jerry?

Roger!

Roger!

Bobbie. Roger!

Bobbie? Roger!

Roger said there was nothing going on

at the Men s Association.

Well, then why doesn t he answer the phone?

It s been two days.Bobbie.

Roger!

Roger!

Isn t that his favorite shirt,

the Dolce & Gabbana?

And the Guccis.

And the Versace.Maybe he s donating them.

To what? The gay homeless?

He loved this.

His program from Hairspray.

Oh, my God.What is it?

Viggo.

[ marching band plays fanfare]

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I m Jerry Harmon, and I--

I know I m pretty new here, but already I feel so at home.

But why did Jerry ask us to meet him here?

JERRY: Proud that I can introduce

Stepford s brand-new candidate for state senate.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr. Roger Bannister.

What?

[ band plays fanfare]

He s wonderful.

ROGER: Thank you.

Thank you so much.

You may very well ask,

what are my qualifications for higher office?

Well, I believe in Stepford,

America and the power of prayer.

Values I ve discovered thanks to my partner,

in life and in the Lord, Jerry Harmon.

[ cheering, applause]

[ speaks indistinctly]

Roger. Roger.

Yes. Is there a question? Mrs. Markowitz?

So... You... You two are happy now?

More than ever.

Because now I know that being gay doesn t mean

a guy has to be effeminate or flamboyant or sensitive.

[ deep voice]: I m no sissy.

No.MAN: Way to go, Roger!

MAN 2: That s a man!

Roger?

Yes. Mrs. Walter Kresby.

Roger, I don t understand.

You were out there, you were Roger.

And now...

Now you re different. Your hair, your clothes.

You re like someone else.

People change.

You can t stop Stepford.

JERRY & CROWD: You can t stop Stepford. You can t stop Stepford.

You can t stop Stepford. You can t stop Stepford.

You can t stop Stepford. You can t stop Stepford.

You can t stop Stepford. You can t stop Stepford.

You can t stop Stepford. You can t stop Stepford.

You can t stop Stepford. You can t stop Stepford.

You can t stop Stepford. You can t stop Stepford.

You can t stop Stepford. You can t stop Stepford.

You can t stop Stepford. You can t stop Stepford.

So that s why we have to leave Stepford?

I m not following. Okay.

Before... Roger was witty and stylish and ironic.

And I m sure he still is.No.

Now he s making speeches in a Brooks Brothers suit.

Hey, there s lots of ways to be gay.

Don t try to make him into a stereotype.

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

Bobbie is right, and she s leaving too.

This place does something to people.

All of the women are always busy and perfect and smiling,

and all of the men are always happy.

And that s a problem because...?

Because it s not normal, Walter.

It s-- It s not the world. It s not us.

And I m picking up our kids from camp right now,

and we re getting out of here.

[ sighs]

With or without you.

[ softly exhales]

[ sofly exhales]

[ sighs]

[ Joanna turning doorknob]

[ pings]ELECTRONIC VOICE: Secure.

[ yells]

You ll never change, will you?

Not really.

Open the door.

[ pinging]

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Unlock front.

[ locks slide open]

And you re right.[ door opens]

About what?

If you re that unhappy, then we should move.

Maybe head back to the city.

We could leave tomorrow.

Thank you.

[ sighs]

Thank you.

Mm.

[ whimpering]

Mm.

[ whimpering continues]

Huh?

What you got there? Huh?

[ dramatic chord plays]

[ typing]

[ Robo Rover whines]

[ whines, whimpers]

WALTER: Sweetcakes?

[ gasps]

It s 4 a.m. What are you up to?

Just recipes for tomorrow. I like to get a head start.

On what?

Uh, apple pie. Bobbie recommended it.

I ll be right up.

[ sighs]

Walter?

Babe?

Bobbie? Bobbie!

Oh, my God.

Bobbie?

Good morning, Joanna.

Isn t it a lovely morning?

That s a pretty color.

BOY: Mom!BOY 2: Mom!

Good morning, my precious ones.

And thank you for leaving your requests on my e-mail.

Adam, you wanted peanut butter and jelly, no crusts,

a Snickers bar and a Rolex.

Ben, here s a whole-wheat burrito,

a soy protein shake

and three pieces of German chocolate layer cake.

From scratch?Of course.

And, Max,

you get bacon, lettuce and tomato

on a lightly-toasted sesame seed bagel.

But what about my action figures?

There s Mace Windu and Amidala.

Where s Boba Fett?They were out.

Mom! Here s $500.

All right.

BOYS [ in unison]: Bye, Mom. Bye, Joanna.

Oh, they grow up so fast. I think I ll have three more.

Bobbie, listen to me. What have they done to you, huh?

What have they done to you? Is it drugs?

Is it brainwashing? Come on, hey, talk to me.

Of course, but only for a minute.

Then I have to get to work on this pigsty. Oh, my--

Coffee?No. No coffee.

Bobbie. Bobbie, last night I went online, all right,

and I found out

that all of the women here, they used to be big deals,

I mean, big deals. CEOs, executives, judges.

Sarah Sunderson, she used to run an airline.

[ gasps] With that perfect skin?

No. No, no, no.

She didn t used to look like that.

None of the women did. They--Coffee?

Coffee? No. No coffee.

Bobbie. Bobbie. This isn t you.

That s right, Joanna. This isn t me.

It s a whole new me.

I m happy and I m healthy because I understand

what s important in life.

Yes.

Your new book. That s right.

That s what s important, my new cookbook.

And my husband and my family and making a perfect home.

It s a lesson every gal needs to learn.

Especially you.

I m your friend, Joanna. I m going to help you.

You need me.You stay away from me.

You re driven.[ glass shatters]

Well, sometimes.And you re selfish.

You wanna rule the world.No.

I can fix you. I can change you.

What... have... they... done to you?

Let s get busy.

Answer the phone.

Hello, is--? Is this the day camp?

Oh.

Yes, this is... This is Joanna Eberhart.

I would like to speak to my children.

I m coming to pick them up right now.

[ thunder rumbling]

What?

Walter!

Walter, where are you?

I know you ve got the kids.

Pete, Kimberly!

[ tires screech]

[ panting]

[ thunder crashes]

Oh, boys.

Welcome.

[ thunder crashes]

Where are my children?

They re perfectly safe.

Where are my children?

You ll see them soon.

Where s Walter?

[ sighs]

How could you do this?

Ever since we met, you ve beaten me at everything.

You re better educated.

You re stronger, you re faster.

You re a better dancer, a better tennis player.

You ve always earned at least six figures more

than I could ever dream of.

You re a better speaker,

a better executive.

You re even better at sex. Don t deny it.

I wasn t going to.

Well, don t I get anything?

You got me.

No, I got to hold your purse.

I got to tell the kids that you d be late again.

I got to tell the press that you had no comment.

I got to work for you.

With me.

Under you.

All of us.

We married wonder women.

Supergirls.

Amazon queens.

Well, you know what that makes us?

Smart, worthy, lucky.

We re the wuss.

The wind beneath your wings.

Your support system.

We re the girl.MAN: And we don t like it.

No, we don t.Damn right!

Man!MAN: Yeah. That s right.

And is this your answer, to kill us?

Oh, no. Nothing like that. We help you. We perfect you.

By turning us into robots?

Does any fraction of these women still exist?

Of course. Almost everything.

Shall we show her?

Show me what?

It s a promotional thing

I ve been working on for when we go global.

Walter, I don t think you ve seen this.

[ pings, chiming]

[ 50s-style educational-film music plays]

Some guys ask, how do we do it?

In layman s terms, it s really pretty simple.

Come on along.

First, we take a gloomy, dissatisfied woman.

Then, in a very private experience

between husband and wife,

he gently places her in our female improvement system.

It s fully automated.

And then, abracadabra.

Her transformation begins.

First, we locate her brain.

We insert a few nanochips.

Then we program them.

Also, we add some secret, special ingredients.

To avoid any accidents,

her husband is kept at a comfortable distance.

Safety first.

Finally, we enhance her,

to fit the ideal Stepford Wife specifications.

And...

...voilà!

Everything is copasetic.

Welcome to the future.

DAVE: It s a painting again.

Wha--?

I should explain. You see,

my real name isn t Mike.

It s just a nickname from where I used to work.

Where?

Microsoft.

NASA.

Disney.

AOL.

Is that why the women are so slow?

MIKE: Joanna.

Is this what you really want?

Women who behave like slaves,

women who are obsessed with cleaning their kitchens

and doing their hair,

women who never challenge you in any way,

women who exist only to wait on you hand and foot?

MAN: Yeah.MAN 2: That sounds good to me.

Joanna, you re a brilliant woman.

Surely you can appreciate, at the very least,

the genius of the concept.

Picture it,

if you could streamline your spouse,

if you could overhaul every annoying habit,

every physical flaw,

every moment of whining and nagging and farting in bed.

Imagine...

if you could enjoy the person you loved,

but only at their very best.

And the only reason for your anger,

your resentment, your rage is really very simple.

You re furious because we thought of it first.

While you were trying to become men,

we decided to become gods.

Let me ask you something,

these machines, these Stepford Wives,

can they say, "I love you"?

Mike.

Of course.

Fifty-eight languages.

But do they mean it?

[ metal clunks, motor whirring]

[ whirring stops]

Enjoy.

[ shocking chord plays]

[ panting]

JOANNA: Oh...

MIKE: Walter.

Walt.

MIKE: Joanna.

Right here.

[ metal clunks, motor whirring]

[ soporific orchestral music playing over speakers]

Sarah.

Claire.

Marianne.Charmaine.

Roger. Roberta.

[ choir vocalizing beatifically]

Who s Margo?That s my wife.

Oh, Mike!

[ applause, cheers]

MEN [ chanting]: Mike, Mike, Mike!

Mike, Mike, Mike! Mike, Mike, Mike!

Good evening, everyone.

What a delight to see

all of our wonderful wives and their happy, happy husbands.

Tonight is truly the highlight of our year because tonight

we honor our very newest citizens of Stepford.

In my opinion, they are the cream of the crop in couple

that proudly proclaims Stepford...

...the American way of love.

[ women sigh][ applause]

Now...

...I d like to ask my wonderful woman, my lovely wife,

my bride, my best friend,

to join me in a glorious midsummer night s waltz.

Aw...

[ applause]

[ string instruments playing staccato melody]

[ eerie waltz theme playing]

CLAIRE: Oh.MIKE: Yeah.

Oh...

[ soft, girlish voice]: Is everything perfect?

Everything.

Mike.Walter.

Darling.

My pleasure.It s an honor.

Champagne?Allow me.

[ alarm rings]

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Doors activate.

Welcome member 1956.

Kresby, Walter.

[ alarm rings] Entering secure area.

[ electronic pulsating, whirring]

[ electronic pulsating, whirring]

[ waltz theme continues]

[ pinging][ alarm ringing]

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Warning.

Warning.

Initiating.

So, Joanna, are you enjoying Stepford?

Oh, yes. The town is so splendid.

Everyone is so kind.

And then, of course, there s you.

Me?

[ cha-cha dance music plays]

And it s simple really.

Honey, grab me another Scotch.

Right away, dear.

[ pinging][ machine whirring]

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Begin nanoreversal.

Begin nanoreversal.

Nanoreversal completed.

Uh! Aah!

Deleting Stepford program.

[ screams]

[ glass cracks]

[ whirring dies out]

File corrupted.

Deleting vacuuming function.

Honey.

Oh, Herbert.

[ machine voices clamoring]

Restoring original personality. Deleting Stepford program.

[ women gasping]

What is this?

[ gasps]

What am I wearing?

[ women clamoring angrily]

CLAIRE: Mike!

Mike, there s something...

[ gasping]

...unspeakable going on in the ballroom.

You have to come right now.

It s an apocalypse!

[ men and women arguing]

What did you do to us?

Mike! Mike! Mike!

MEN: Mike! Mike! Mike!

Men, control your wives.

Control your wives.

[ remotes chiming]

MAN: It s not working!

It s not working.

This is not Stepford.Mike.

Mike, what s happening?

I was in the garden, and I was dreaming of your...

Your smile and your after-shave.

And I realized...

[ normal voice]: I can do better.

Walt.

She s not a robot.

MAN: What?MAN 2: What?

DAVE: What, she s not a robot?

She never was.

MAN 3: Wait a second.

I couldn t do it.MAN 4: What?

Why not?

Because she s not a science project.

Because I didn t marry something from RadioShack.

That s a shame.

No.

That s a man.

I thought you were ready.

MEN: Yeah!I thought...

I thought you were ready. I thought I knew you.

MEN: Yeah!

You re a disgrace.

[ men shouting agreements]

MIKE: To everything this town stands for.

To the future.

That s right, that s right. Tell him.

You re gonna have to pay for that.

Don t you touch him.

No!

Oh...

Oh...

He s a Stepford Husband?

[ sobbing]: An angel.

Now he s just...

spare parts, thanks to you.

But what are you? Are you a person or a machine?

I m a lady.

A real lady?

Every inch.Wait.

Wait, a real, real lady? Are you a human being?

Yes, and I may very well be

the only decent human being left.

In Stepford?In the world!

Oh! She s fabulous.

All of this, Mike, the wives, Stepford,

this was all your idea?

Yes. All I wanted was a better world.

A world where men were men

and women were cherished and lovely.

Does anyone have a screwdriver?

She s nuts.

A world of romance and beauty,

of tuxedos and chiffon, a perfect world.

But you were married to a robot.

The perfect man.

And all I wanted was to make you, all of you...

into perfect women.

We don t need to be perfect.

How could you do this to us?

Because I was just like you.

Overstressed, overbooked, under-loved.

I was the world s foremost brain surgeon

and genetic engineer.

I had top-secret contracts

with the Pentagon, Apple and Mattel.

I was driven.

Exhausted.

Until late one night, I came home to find...

...Mike.

With Patricia.

My brilliant...

blond...

...21-year-old research assistant.

It was all so...

...ugly.

Then early the next morning,

as I gazed across the breakfast table

at their lifeless bodies, I thought...

"What have I done?"

But more importantly...

what I could do to make the world more beautiful?

I had the skills.

But I needed help to realize my larger vision.

And so I made...

...Mike.

Because he was someone other men would listen to.

And then I asked myself,

"Where would people never notice a town full of robots?

[ gasps]

Connecticut."

So I decided to turn back the clock,

to a time before overtime,

before quality time,

before women were turning themselves into robots.

Back off!Sorry.

But why didn t you change the men too?

That s next.

You re insane.

I m in love with a waltz and a town...

...and a man.

[ women gasping]

[ panting]

[ tranquil romantic theme plays]

LARRY KING: So, Joanna, you produced the hard-hitting documentary,

Stepford: The Secret of the Suburbs.

And won... Five Emmys, was it?

Oh, six.

She s shy.And so humble.

And, Bobbie, your ordeal has lead to a bestseller.

Well, you know, I just can t hold a grudge.

So I ve written my very first book of poetry.

And it s all about hope and communication

and the healing power of love.

What is it called?

Wait Until He s Asleep, Then Cut It Off.

It s a page-turner.I cried.

Now, Roger, good news.

You ran and won. You re in the state senate.

Independent.Next stop, the White House.

Yes, this country needs highlights.

That s our hero.

And, Jo, Walter really came through for you,

so how s your marriage now? Is everything just, uh, perfect?

No way. But, um...

But we re doing just great.

Because, um...

Because now, now we know for sure

that it s not about perfection.

Perfect-- Perfect doesn t work.

What about all those other husbands?

Are they still angry?

Do they still want all these women to be robots?

Of course. Men are pigs. They re disgusting,

they re frightened, repulsive little rodents.

But we re trying to help them,

right, Bobbie?Right.

Yes, we re trying to reeducate them.

And where are they?

Oh. Oh, they re still in Stepford.

Under house arrest.

[ light, comic theme plays]

Hey, you guys.

Which aisle is quilted paper towels?

If I don t get the right kind, my wife s gonna kill me.

Oh, aisle three. And I need--

WOMAN: No talking, keep shopping.

[ staccato violin theme playing]

[ ethereal choir chanting]