Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

[mysterious music]

[dramatic music]

[energetic music]

[dramatic music]

[gentle music]

[soft rumbling]

[water bubbling]

[water splashing]

[Lidia VO] I thought about starting at the beginning.

[gasp]

But that's not how I remember it.

[gasp]

It's all a series of

[gasp]

fragments.

Repetitions.

Pattern formations.

[soft orchestral music]

[distant wailing]

When there are no words for the pain...

let your imagination change what you know.

[whispers] Conglomerates.

Movement of land in the freedom of water.

A ring around a rock is luck.

[whispers] Smoothed into a small thing.

Sandstone is soothing and lucid.

Shale, of course, is rational.

Red rock is earth blood.

You believe in blue.

[distant wailing]

[water running]

[rock clatters]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Lidia VO] Memories...

are stories.

So you better come up with one you can live with.

[knock]

[slap]

[Claudia] Smiley face.

Flower.

[knocking]

[knocking]

Christmas tree.

[banging]

[Lidia crying]

[tense screeching sound]

[banging]

[slap]

Stop.

[Mike] Claudia, go upstairs.

Go!

Move!

[banging]

[slap]

You just let me know when you're finished.

We can do this all night.

[Lidia crying]

[Mike] Fuck it!

[slap]

[Dorothy] I think it'll feel nice, Claudia.

I really think it will. Fix you right up.

Fix you right up.

Sing with me, Belle.

♪ Oh, my darlin' ♪

♪ Oh, my darlin' ♪

♪ Oh, my darlin' Clementine ♪

Come on, Lidia Belle. Sing with me.

You know all the lyrics.

♪ You're lost and gone forever ♪

♪ Dreadful sorrow ♪

[Lidia VO] It was my voice that left.

[pencil scribbling]

Sometimes I think it arrived on paper.

I wrote pictures and true things.

Lies interchangeably.

Made me feel like, like someone else.

-[Mike] Oh, for Christ's sake! -[water splashing]

[Lidia VO] I wrote words to belong to.

[Mike] That is our daughter!

[Lidia VO] Not daughter.

To swimmer.

To safety.

To girls.

[whispers] Make my skin hot.

My head hurt.

My mother. Her hair.

Her scar.

Her stories.

[Dorothy] I won a prize for that story, Belle.

And your daddy

won an art prize for this drawing.

[Lidia VO] How gone she was.

[pencil scribbling]

And my sister. My adoration.

My sister. My awe.

You look like a bum in that dumpy sack shirt.

It does nothing for you.

Look at me.

You trying to look like a man?

[Lidia VO] My sister. Taking everything.

[pencil scribbling]

[snap]

Before you were even born.

[door closes]

-[book slams] -[footsteps]

[pencil scribbling]

In the house.

Alone in my room.

My arms ache.

My sister is gone.

My mother is...

gone.

My father designs houses in the room next to mine.

[whispers] He's smoking.

[pencil slams]

[Mike sighs]

[knocking]

[door opens]

[Mike] Hey, honey.

[pencil snaps]

[door shuts]

[Mike grunts]

Hey.

[Lidia VO] I wait for five a.m.

[pencil scribbling]

I pray

[pencil drops]

to swim.

[tense orchestral music]

[Mike VO] My baby girl.

Growing up so fast.

[stomping]

A teenager.

[Lidia grunts]

In high school.

I can't believe it.

[Coach] All right. Line up.

Ladies, weigh in. You know the drill.

One lick for every pound you're over.

Torres.

[slap]

[Mike VO] Atta girl.

[Mike pants]

[Lidia screams in pillow]

[pencil scratching on paper]

[Lidia grunts]

That's right, there you go.

[Coach] Reimer. Three pounds.

[slap]

[slap]

[slap]

-[Mike VO] Faster. -[slap]

[thread tearing]

Come on, baby.

-[slap] -Harder!

[slap]

[slap]

[Coach] Yuknavitch. One for you, freshman.

So we'll make it count.

[slap echoes]

[crowd clapping and cheering]

[Lidia gasps]

[silence]

[Coach] Go!

[underwater rumbling]

[water splashing]

[Lidia VO] How many miles does it take

[low rumbling]

to swim

[low rumbling]

to a self?

[rumbling]

How

many

fucking

-[rumbling crescendos] -miles?

[slap]

[crowd cheering, whooping]

[Swimmer] We set a record!

-[Lidia squeals] -We set a fucking record!

[Announcer] We are proud to announce

that our 200-yard medley relay gold-medal winners

from the Florida Aquatic Swim Team

have achieved the best time in the entire nation.

Congratulations.

Scouts are watching, seniors.

♪ "The National Anthem" plays ♪

[music fades]

[low rumble]

[tapping]

[teacup clinks]

[Mike gulps, exhales]

[Mike] So you really want this, huh?

Okay.

[paper tearing]

[paper rustles]

[paper rustles]

[Mike sighs]

You only got a three-quarter ride.

[Mike sighs]

Hey, if they wanted you,

they would have offered the whole nine yards, huh?

[paper rustles]

[Mike sighs]

"We are delighted to offer a partial scholarship."

Half.

You're better than that.

[paper slams on table]

-Last one. -[paper rips]

[Lidia VO] In my head, I swam laps.

[paper rustles]

[Mike] Didn't even get one full ride.

[low rumble]

[paper rustles]

Hey. Don't blame me.

If they don't want you, then you don't belong there.

[Lidia VO] I could taste blood.

-[Mike] The answer is no. -[slams paper]

[Lidia VO] Why?

[clock ticks]

[Lidia pants]

[lighter flicks]

Because he could.

What?

[Lidia VO] And I was his.

[dramatic music]

[Mike] Hey. Look at me.

Look at me.

I only want the best for you.

You know that.

[Lidia VO] I knew he could feel it.

That pink muscle.

Pushing

and pushing.

-[slap] -[locker slams]

[Coach] You should all be out there warming up.

[Lidia VO] For all that it's worth.

-[underwater rumble] -[splash]

[Lidia panting]

[Texas Tech Coach] Hey, Lidia.

Do you need a hand?

I'm a coach from Texas Tech.

I'm excited to meet you.

Let's talk.

Like to have you on our team.

[clock ticking]

[gulping]

[ice clinks]

Yes.

[Lidia VO] I almost loved her.

[Dorothy] Let's go, Belle.

[briefcase thuds]

[water runs]

-[tense music rises] -[footsteps]

[Mike] 'Cause I know you, Lidia. I know what you do.

And it is disgusting. Disgusting! You hear me?

It's fucking disgusting, Lidia.

You should be ashamed of your--

[footsteps]

Lidia!

[stomping]

This is control.

I am controlling myself.

[door slams]

You don't know how far I can go.

[tense music continues]

[door opens]

[crash]

[Lidia VO] My bedroom holds the wet and the dark of my body.

It smells like my sweat...

and chlorine.

Hey.

Can't sleep, huh?

Yeah. Me neither.

[Mike clears throat]

[Mike chuckles]

Come here.

I want to talk to you.

Listen. I'm sorry I've been so hard on you lately.

I guess I just

really worry about you out there.

Things are gonna be different when you go to college.

I want you to listen to me.

[Lidia VO] He narrated what boys would do to me.

How they would put their dirty hands

up my skirt and finger-fuck me.

Fondle my tits.

[pants unzipping]

Suck them.

How disgusting boys would be.

Their hands,

their hips wanting in and up.

And their dicks.

And his.

Me sitting next to him,

feeling the heat of him

without even looking.

[rhythmic rustling]

[Lidia breathes heavily]

[rain pattering]

[soft music]

[Lidia breathes in deeply]

[soft footsteps]

[door creaks]

[doorknob squeaks]

[music intensifies]

[lighter flicks]

What you doing out here?

What's the matter with you, huh?

I want you to know that, um,

I love you.

[Lidia exhales]

Huh.

You're a fucking whore.

[music intensifies]

You have something to say to me?

Huh?

[quietly] Fuck you, motherfucker.

[Mike] What did you--

what did you just say?

Fuck you,

motherfucker.

Get the fuck

[yelling] out of my way!

[Lidia breathes in deeply]

[Lidia exhales]

[crash]

[gasps]

[Lidia VO] All I thought

[gasps]

was my own wide-open cunt

[gasps]

[gasps]

as open as a mouth

screaming

Mother. Mother!

Motherfucker.

[groans]

[gasp]

[Lidia VO] Motherfucker.

[gasp]

[Lidia breathes heavily]

[dramatic music]

I didn't know a girl body could do that.

♪ "Mine" by Paris Hurley ♪

Shoot cum.

[music continues]

[music continues]

[Swimmer laughs]

My own thoughts. Mine.

My own space.

My own booze. My own tits.

My own days. My own nights. Mine.

My own sex. My own booze.

My own food. My own thoughts. My own friends. My own space.

Mine.

Mine.

[music continues]

Mine.

Mine, mine, mine, mine. My own freedom.

[music continues]

[singer vocalizing]

Mine.

Mine, mine, mine.

Like something pressed so far down

in a body,

it had to explode.

[Texas Tech Coach] Yuk!

[Mike VO] Where do you think you're going?

I know you.

You're going nowhere.

[acoustic guitar playing]

[Phillip] ♪ A miner, 49-er, and his daughter, ♪

♪ Clementine ♪

♪ Oh, my darlin', oh, my darlin' ♪

[Dorothy VO] ♪ Oh, my darlin' Clementine ♪

♪ You were lost ♪

[Phillip] ♪ And gone forever ♪

♪ Oh, my darlin' Clementine ♪

[Lidia VO] So far from my father.

So far from my father.

So far from my father.

So far from my father.

[Lidia and Phillip panting heavily]

[rock music playing in background]

[Lidia] I just want.

I love your hands.

I love your voice.

It's my father and my brother who have the real voices.

I always hear them in my head.

Really?

What are they saying?

They're singin' "Amazing Grace."

Voices of God.

[Lidia] Fuck me.

[Phillip] Yeah.

No. Really.

Fuck me.

[scratchy music with singer vocalizing]

[Lidia VO] Poor Phillip.

[Lidia moans]

I wish I could go back and apologize.

[Lidia cries out]

[Phillip playing his guitar]

[Phillip] ♪ The way it's been going ♪

♪ And I know that peace will come ♪

Fuck all y'all!

Eat me!

[Phillip] ♪ I've been a-searchin' ♪

♪ For the dolphins ♪

Just a regular James Taylor,

singin' his heart out here in Texas!

[Phillip] ♪ And sometimes I wonder ♪

♪ Do you ever think of me? ♪

♪ This world may never change ♪

♪ The way it's been going ♪

♪ And I know that peace will come ♪

[Lidia laughing]

[Philip] Lidia. Why do you always do that?

[Lidia cackles]

[Lidia snorts with laughter]

[Lidia laughing] It's funny. Come on. It's...

Funny! You know it.

Such a pussy!

Come on. Learn how to take a--

Joke. You're so fucking sensitive.

This is probably

one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen.

This is what I'm--

This is what I'm talking about.

It's like-- It's like talking to a fucking doorknob.

Why don't you say something?

Please say anything.

I'm being a fucking bitch,

so why don't you do something about it?

[Phillip] You're not a bitch.

Fuck you, Phillip!

You don't even fucking know me, Phillip.

[Lidia VO] "Phillip"

means "lover of horses."

God damn.

[Lidia VO] Or "brotherhood."

[soft dramatic music]

Wake up, motherfucker!

[Lidia whispering indistinctly]

[Lidia sniffs]

[car door slams]

[Lidia whispering indistinctly]

[Amy] Hey, Lids. Want to get out of here?

[Monty] She's good, man. I'll take her back.

Hey, man. Shut that door.

[Mike] Just shut the goddamn door!

Haven't seen you at practice.

Yeah. I flunked out.

That's cool.

[Lidia groans]

[Lidia VO] I can still feel my face.

[groaning]

[silence]

Addiction is in me for sure.

But I want to describe something else to you.

Something smaller.

It's a smaller word.

Mama?

So small, it could travel a bloodstream.

[Dorothy VO] Go away, Belle.

[Lidia groans]

[footsteps]

[Dorothy] Go away, Belle.

[Lidia] Nice.

[Dorothy] Stay away.

This isn't anything for you.

I'm not talking about anything.

I'm not talking about anything.

[urgent violin music]

I'm not talking about anything.

-[violin music intensifies] -[Dorothy groans]

[urgent footsteps]

[door shuts]

[Paramedic] Dorothy?

[Dorothy groans]

[Paramedic] Get up. Get up.

[Lidia gasps]

[coughing]

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

[Lidia gasps]

[Pastor] Yeah.

Lidia,

you can talk to us.

It helps.

Trust me.

I'm not talking about anything.

[Pastor VO] You know, I always like to say, uh...

find meaning in life's traffic

through clearing spiritual barriers.

[door slams shut]

[Lidia sighs]

[Phillip] Uh,

I'm proud of you.

You know?

Yeah.

[Philip] Yeah.

Hey.

Would you marry me?

[Phillip laughs nervously]

[acoustic guitar strums]

-[stops playing] -[Phillip] Mm.

[Phillip strums again]

[Lidia laughs]

[Phillip] Okay.

♪ And children have their dreams ♪

♪ To hold on to ♪

♪ And how they fly ♪

♪ Take us to the moon ♪

♪ Yes, they flow from you ♪

♪ They flow from you ♪

♪ And they flow from you ♪

♪ And women have themselves ♪

♪ To hold on to ♪

♪ And how they fly ♪

♪ Take me by surprise ♪

♪ They float from me ♪

♪ They float from me ♪

♪ And they float from me ♪

[Lidia laughs]

Aah!

[Dorothy] Aw!

[clapping]

Oh!

[Lidia gasps]

Oh!

[Dorothy laughs]

Sweetheart.

You did so good.

You did so good!

[Lidia retches, groans]

[low, ominous sounds]

[Lidia coughing]

[Lidia retching, coughing]

[Lidia panting]

[Lidia breathes shakily]

[Phillip] I made you some tea.

I don't want any tea. What are we gonna do?

[Lidia breathes heavily]

[Phillip VO] Lidia,

I love you.

And whatever you want to do, I'll support it.

[tense violin music]

That's it?

I need more than nothing

from the most passive man on the fucking planet!

[tense violin music continues]

[Lidia pants]

Sorry. I've been kind of sick.

[approaching footsteps]

You don't want anything.

And you are killing me with your not wanting anything!

-What were you thinking? -[Lidia] I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. It's fucking impossible!

I can't stand how nice he--

I can't stand how nice he is!

But...I couldn't have killed it either.

I was thinking of--

maybe there's a world in which I--

I come and

live with you

in Eugene

and take some classes

where you're teaching and...

I don't know. Maybe we could start, like, a little

family.

-Yes. -'Cause I think my life with him

is gonna be like some sad, sad fucking country song.

- And this is the only thing -Lidia, Lidia, I--

I said yes.

[Claudia] Come home.

Okay.

Cool.

[Lidia VO] Because she left me once

to save her own life.

[Mike] What are you two doing back there, huh?

Playing with yourselves?

What?

I bring them to the most beautiful scenery in the world,

and--and they just

playing grab-ass?

[yelling] Look out the goddamn window!

[car turns off]

Claudia,

grab the hacksaw from under your mother's seat.

Come on! Let's go.

[door slams]

[Dorothy] Here you go, sweetheart.

For sustenance.

For sustenance.

You don't want it?

[seat creaks]

Come on, honey. Just have a little sip.

-[liquid pouring] -It'll warm you up. Mmm!

[Dorothy hums "Oh! My Darling Clementine"]

[Claudia cries]

-[Dorothy hums] -[Claudia cries]

[Dorothy] ♪ Blowin' bubbles soft and fine... ♪

[silence]

[door opens]

-[Dorothy] Well, thank God. -[Mike sighs]

-[door closes] -[Mike exhales heavily]

-[Mike pants] -[hands rubbing]

Where's the tree?

[door creaks open]

[Mike] Just--

[engine starts]

[Lidia VO] Mm.

There.

That's the picture.

[soft music]

[door opens]

-Welcome home. -[Lidia laughs]

Oh!

Come on in.

I'll get that.

[Lidia] Why? 'Cause I'm pregnant?

Yeah.

[Lidia] Oh.

[Lidia sighs]

[Lidia exhales deeply]

[soft music continues]

[Claudia] Here.

Thanks.

Mmm.

Fuck.

[Lidia makes baby crying noises]

[Claudia laughs]

Thank you, Claudia.

Oof.

Do you remember when you used to make me do things?

Like...

-"Here. Bite this apple." -[Lidia laughs]

Sock it in my mouth.

[both giggle]

"Here. Smell this ashtray."

"Just blow it. One, two..."

Ashes all over my fucking face.

I would have done anything.

You were mythic to me.

I remember when I went downstairs

after you moved into the basement.

And, um, realize how smart that was then but

I used to look at all of your stuff

and used to touch it.

-[Claudia sighs] -One time I found

a razor blade in your purse.

-Cut myself on it. -[Young Lidia gasps]

Made the fact that I had to pee hurt.

I, um,

I know that

this is a...

sacrifice.

[Claudia sighs]

No, uh,

It's just, you--

you were so little. Uh,

uh--

yeah.

Well,

this is one way to Frankenstein your life.

[Claudia laughs]

Maybe...

I've been waiting for this.

-[machines beeping] -[Lidia breathing heavily]

[Lidia exhales]

Mmm.

[labored breathing]

-[machines beeping] -[Lidia grunting]

Yes. Breathe.

-[Lidia grunting] -I know.

Come on. Come on.

[Lidia cries out]

You...

can...

do it.

[Lidia gasps]

[Lidia cries out]

[wet, visceral sounds]

[Lidia cries out]

[Lidia gasps]

[curtain sliding]

[Lidia whimpers, pants]

Where is she?

Can I hold her?

Uh, yeah.

[Nurse, softly] Just one second. We're just cleaning her up.

[Lidia sighs]

Her lips are pink.

They're pink.

[somber music]

-[shower running] -[distant wailing]

[wind blows]

Just th--

throw it as far as you can.

[Phillip grunts]

[Phillip whimpers]

-[Lidia chuckles] -It's not funny.

Get it.

[Phillip sighs]

God!

[Lidia gasps]

Sorry.

[water splashes]

[somber music]

[Phillip cries]

[Phillip cries, laughs]

Look. She's all over you.

You're fucking laughing.

[Lidia laughing]

[Phillip cries]

[Lidia and Phillip laugh]

[Lidia VO] What lived and died between us

haunts me

still.

[water splashes]

[Lidia gasps]

[Kesey] God damn, girl.

What are you, some kind of mermaid?

[Lidia] Yep.

[Kesey VO] You got something to say?

[splash]

No way.

[Claire] Come on.

You deserve this. You don't want to come with me?

This is crazy. I'm not even a grad student.

I'm basically just trolling the English department.

You think Kesey gives a rat's ass

about U of O rules?

You will regret not doing this.

They won't even let me enroll.

Bullshit. I already told him about you.

The--

These--

[sighs]

He's gonna love you.

[upbeat music in background]

You don't want to write a novel with Ken Kesey?

[Lidia gulps]

Hey, everyone.

Um, hey, everybody. Hey.

[papers rustling]

You're an idiot.

Hi. Um, this is Lidia.

-Say hi. -Hi.

[Kesey] Well, hello.

What do we have here?

-[chair scrapes] -A triple-A tootsie?

[class chuckles]

I know what happened to you.

Death is a motherfucker.

[rustling]

Ah!

Shit.

-[Kesey] Jeff? -[Jeff] Yes.

[Kesey] You think you can roll one?

I always hate sitting in a room full of writers.

[Jeff] Sure.

[Kesey coughs]

[chair scoots]

[Lidia laughs]

[Kesey] The chair will be fine.

I want you all

I want you all to be winners.

I want

you to be warriors.

Warriors.

I'll give you the warrior test.

Shit floats.

Cream rises.

Shit floats. Jerry Rubin.

Cream rises.

Ferlinghetti.

[class laughs]

Lord Buckley.

Lenny Bruce.

The greats.

I want you to be great.

Shit, somebody

has got to create our culture for the next 50 years.

And I want it to be you.

[Kesey] All right. There are only two rules.

-One, -[jazzy drums beating]

do not talk the plot of our novel

to anyone outside this class.

Two, I comprise 50% of the class

so we only write together

because we will publish

or perish together.

[chair creeks]

[crash]

Nelson Algren said

"The job of the writer

is to pull the judge down onto the dock,

to make

the Almighty feel what it's like to be down low."

He'll be all right.

Grass never killed anybody.

So, go.

Right now.

Write some bizarre sentences.

Hey! Where are you?

You can't take Quaaludes before the class.

Now disappear into your imagination.

Come on!

Disappear into your imagination.

Nobody's in the room but you and that pen.

[harmonica playing]

[Kesey] Better.

Here you are.

This is the shit.

I wrote "Demon Box" in here.

This room here is a creative room here.

It's a creative space.

Hey, Bennett.

You didn't bring any ludes with you, did you?

You know, those kind of drugs put you into your body,

not into your mind.

Stick with the acid, psilocybin, San Pedro --

something that'll disintegrate your ego

so you can hear your inner voice.

And you write from that voice.

You want your voice to come through.

Oh, Jesus.

[Kesey grunts]

That's not supposed to happen.

I got wrestler's knees.

All right.

Let's get outside before the sun sets.

I want you

to meet someone.

[Kesey groans]

Come on!

Fuck you, God!

God got the commandments wrong.

I think there's 11 commandments.

And it should be the first commandment, have mercy.

-[Claire] Hey. -[Kesey] Lord, have mercy!

Just think if everybody had mercy for each other,

where we'd be today.

You see a man in the street who needs a few dollars.

Give it to him. Give it to him. Have mercy. He needs it.

He wouldn't ask for it if he didn't need it.

Mercy.

Hire me to rewrite the...

Bible.

[owl hoots]

[rocks clank]

What are you, some kind of mermaid?

Yep.

[Kesey coughs]

[Kesey spits]

[Kesey] You know, when Jed died, my boy,

I wanted to cease to exist.

And everybody that talked to me said something asinine.

Or didn't say anything at all.

[Kesey sighs]

Nobody understands death anymore.

[Kesey] It used to be sacred.

So sacred.

[gentle music]

Shit.

No one's big enough to hold what happens to us.

No one is big enough

to hold what happens to us.

You got something to say?

It's in your hands.

-[fire crackles] -[gentle music]

[Kesey groans]

[scribbling on paper]

[gentle music continues]

[Lidia VO] Everything about my father was in his hands.

[Mike VO] It's all about coordination.

A perfectly balanced dance of

shadow and light.

[Lidia VO] Before my father was my father,

he was an artist.

[Dorothy VO] Your daddy won a prize

for this drawing.

[Lidia VO] Before my father was an artist,

he was an athlete.

[pencil scribbling]

Before my father was my father,

he was beautiful.

And she was.

Before my father was my father,

he was a boy.

Just a boy

whose own mother

cut his tongue.

Before I hated him,

I loved him.

[Mike] Look up.

Now, if you don't look where you're going,

you're gonna crash, you hear me?

When you get to the bottom of the hill,

you just brake enough to make a turn.

Okay?

[low rumble]

Go.

-Keep your eyes on the road! -[Bike pedaling]

Keep going.

Keep your head up!

[distant pedaling]

Keep those eyes on the road.

-You gotta brake! -[crash]

-[pencil scribbling] -[breathing heavily]

[Dorothy VO] Mike?

Mike.

Mike!

-Get a flashlight. -What for?

[Mike] I think she's hurt down there.

-[Dorothy] What?! What happened?!

[Mike] Just shut the goddamn door.

[door slams]

[Lidia] Mm, yeah.

[Bocnher] You done with that chapter?

[soft music playing in background]

[books rustling]

Yep.

Hey.

Hi. Hello.

[Lidia laughs]

I'm a writer [laughs].

[applause]

[Kesey] Thank you.

[Kesey coughs]

Thank you.

We are gathered because, uh, we want to see the results.

We want to witness the results of this experiment,

a collaborative novel written by us.

[audience laughter]

Please, let's welcome

the first of the not-so-merry pranksters

to the stage to present

"Caverns."

Lidia, come on up.

[applause]

You're gonna kill it.

[Kesey] Whoo!

Hello.

My thigh, behind my knee.

-[Kesey] There you go. -You, too?

-[Kesey] Thank you for coming. -[Claire] My ass crack.

Back of my knees, and they're just like...

[Mike] Lidia's father.

What can I say? I'm a great admirer of yours.

[Kesey] Mike. Is that right?

[Mike] That's right.

[Kesey] Glad you could make it.

[Mike] Lidia and I, we saw "Cuckoo's Nest" and, uh,

"Sometimes a Great Notion" together, and it's just great.

I mean, great books.

You know, Mike

Lidia here

she can knock it out of the park.

Do you want me to sign that?

Thanks for coming, Dad.

Okay.

To...

Mike?

[Mike] Please.

"To Mike.

Be

brave."

There you go, Mike.

There you go, baby.

Yep.

[Kesey and Lidia laughing]

[Kesey clears his throat, groans]

I've seen a lot of writers come and go.

You got the stuff.

[hand thumps]

Got something for you.

Here.

Here.

It comes from the most spiritual beach on Earth.

Hold that.

You can hold it all.

You're gonna hold it all, girl.

[Kesey slurps]

So,

so, what's next?

-Next? -Next. What is next? Next.

[Lidia sighs]

I want to write "The Sound and the Fury."

[Kesey laughs]

[cup clinks]

[Kesey coughs]

Of course you do, honey.

Oh, boy.

-[rock clatters] -[Kesey gasps]

[cup clatters]

Here. Throw it and see if I can catch it.

-Ready? -Yeah.

-Ah! -Shit!

Ah.

-[Kesey sighs] -A lot riding on that going in.

[Kesey] It has no metaphor.

-Okay. -[Kesey] Fuck metaphors.

Okay.

[Kesey] It's just a rock that fell.

[Kesey mumbles]

I'm gonna get the rock and I'm gonna go pee.

-All right. -Ugh!

Oh, yeah. There we go. You got it.

[cup clatters]

[Lidia VO] That was the last time I saw him.

[Kesey] You can write, girl!

[Lidia VO] I'm of the opinion, that he drowned.

[ocean sounds]

Caddy wants to fuck.

She's insatiable.

And because her neighbor boy man has a giant pants bulge

and a sound that comes out of him

instead of language,

she goes over to his house

and she removes all of her clothes,

so he finally fucks her

and crushes her.

He fucks her to death,

and she loves it!

And she laughs until she cries, and an ambulance has to come.

But it's too late.

That is "The Sound and the Fury."

[Chad] Trite.

Look, I've already read "The Sound and the Fury."

Reworking Faulkner is some college shit.

[Lidia sighs]

Maybe try something original.

[Lidia exhales]

God,

I hate them.

Hey.

What the hell does he know?

It is original.

It's a fucking pastiche.

-[Claire] Hey! -[Hannah] Ha! Hey.

You want to go to the coast? I got us a room.

Hi, Hannah.

We're actually gonna work on these this weekend.

-[Lidia] Right. -[Hannah] Come on.

Is your fly undone?

Lids.

[smack]

-[Hannah] What is that? -Oh!

I fucking dare you.

[Lidia whispering]

Come on.

[Lidia VO] Anything.

[Lidia screams]

Anytime.

Whoa!

[Lidia VO] Anywhere. Anything. Anytime. Anywhere.

Please be careful!

-[Lidia VO] To feel absolutely -[loud thud]

-[Lidia cries out] -nothing.

[Hannah] I'm gonna go grab some firewood.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

[door shuts]

Is this like a--

a fuck trip?

[Lidia laughs]

[Hannah] What?

I've never -- I've never licked pussy.

-[Lidia] Oh! -[laughing]

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music continues]

[seabirds squawking]

[Lidia VO] I wanted to stay like that.

Outside of any word.

[whispering] Inside the unnamed wet.

[Lidia gasps]

[gasps]

[panting]

[dramatic music continues]

[Claire ] You okay?

[Lidia groans]

[Lidia squeals]

[laughter]

[gasps]

[dramatic music continues]

[Lidia laughing]

[Claire] I love you, Lids.

[music grows darker]

I really love you.

[distant shriek]

Yeah.

I'll see you later.

-[water flowing] -[birds calling]

[Lidia VO] In water,

like in books

you can leave your life.

[water splashes]

[pencil scribbling]

[splash]

-[splash] -[jazzy drums beating]

-[Claudia] I got it.

-[Lidia] No! -[Claudia] I got it!

[Lidia VO] I remember a happy childhood.

-[Claudia squeals] -[Lidia] Come on, come on.

[Lidia VO] We dive, we swim, we race.

Lidia went fast that time.

[Lidia VO] We laugh like other people's children.

[hair dryers whirring]

I remember first and last names like Evie Kosenkranius

and Lynn Collella Belle.

Lynn Collella Belle. Lynn Collella Belle.

Lynn Collella Belle.

Making song loops in my skull.

♪ Lynn Collella ♪

♪ Lynn Collella Belle ♪

Belle.

[smack]

[smack]

[hairbrush clatters]

[cymbals clang]

[locker slams]

-[cymbals clang] -[girls laughing]

-Lynn Collella Belle. -[hands slapping]

[Lidia whispering]

[Dorothy humming]

[Mike] Mono?

Isn't that the kissing disease?

No. Don't be silly.

Everything's gonna be okay, Belle.

You'll see.

You're gonna feel better.

And your daddy's gonna take real good care of you.

-Aren't you? -[Mike] We'll be all right.

[Dorothy] Okay. Mama's gonna go sell some houses.

[Mike] Hey, honey.

[sighs]

My baby girl.

[car engine cranks]

You just give it a couple of days.

Shh.

[Lidia VO] It is language letting me say...

[Mike] There you go.

[Lidia VO] ...how four weeks can be years.

[pencil scribbling]

It is the yielding expanse

of a white

page.

[tense music]

[tense music rising]

[crash]

[Photographer] Have you shown these to anyone?

No.

[ambient music rising]

Like, body,

skin

scars.

People always ask me why

my work is so dark.

What do you know about pain, Lidia?

[Lidia] Um,

I know that

it matters to me.

[Photographer] I'm gonna take care of you.

Do you understand?

[Lidia cries]

Now ask me for what you want.

[Lidia] Um.

[Photographer] That's not right, angel.

[Lidia] Um,

um,

I

want

you

to

[Photographer] Mm?

[Lidia VO] Knock it out of me.

[Lidia gasps]

[Lidia] To whip me.

[Photographer] Where would you like to be whipped,

angel?

-Everywhere. -[slap]

[slap]

[Photographer] Take it somewhere.

[slap]

-[slap] -[gasp]

Take the pain somewhere.

[gentle music]

[slap]

-[slap] -[Lidia VO] Mama.

[slap]

-[slap] -[Lidia gasps]

[slap]

[slap]

I am proud of you.

[slap]

[slap]

[slap]

[Lidia exhales]

[Lidia VO] I'm not trying to creep you out.

I am trying to be precise.

[Lidia] "At the moment my mother was whining,

Daddy was smelling my cunt.

I've reached my best moment now, he explained.

Now I was sure what he was referring to.

This is the moment of truth.

I'm going off, off, off, jacking it off.

My hands are gonna be broken from this one.

I don't even recognize my own body.

It doesn't matter. I know you're mine.

I made you, I'm making you.

I swore I'd live for pleasure.

My tongue is fucking enormous.

Feel it. It's reaching down to my waist.

You're seeing your actual father in his moment of truth.

God Almighty, nothing matters.

You're my God, my daughter, I worship you.

I beg you to do it show I can please you.

Now look at it. It's big in my corkscrewing hand.

Kiss it. My father explained again,

I am fucking God and I made God. Holy shit.

All I have to do is look at God,

and God is happy 'cause I've made God cum.

God is in heaven. I'm in heaven and I've died.

The whole world in heaven. I'm cumming all over your face.

I licked up his sperm."

[Student] This is making me sick.

[typing]

[Mike VO] Who in the hell do you think you are?

My father's daughter.

[chair creaks]

[bottle opens]

[can cracks open]

Goddamn.

[Lidia VO] Year one.

-[Lidia] Vodka! -[intense bass booming]

[Lidia VO] I drink vodka, mostly all the time.

[Devin] One shot in the eye, shot in the eye.

[Lidia VO] And felt nothing about myself.

-[laughing] -[moaning]

We drink, we laugh, we fuck.

We make fuck-body paint shadows.

We make performance art. We perform ourselves.

[Devin] Fuck you, God!

-[banging] -[Devin] Open the door!

[Lidia VO] We carved each other's names into our arms.

[Lidia] I did it for you!

[crashing]

[Devin] Fuck!

-[moaning] -[grunting]

[Lidia VO] We fuck septic.

It was right in front of me, Devin.

I could see exactly what was happening.

-You don't even realize. -I don't even realize what?!

You don't even realize I'm gonna fucking marry you.

-Whoa! Oh! -[Lidia laughs]

[Devin] To Mike and Dorothy.

I'm so happy they fucked.

-[Lidia VO] To skip to year six, -[Devin] Hey!

[Lidia VO] when underwater stories

-start itching -[Devin] Come on!

[Lidia VO] and yelling begins a rhythm

where drinking gets louder and him--

Go back to kissing women I know and kissing women I don't know!

[Lidia VO] And what is a couple over time but a line?

[Devin] I'll show you a fucking line.

Your fucking bullshit is taking over the house!

[Lidia VO] It was taking over the house.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Fuck.

I don't wanna fuck.

I want to read.

Fuck you.

[Lidia VO] I didn't want to drink.

I wanted to write.

[indiscernible whispers]

What is a couple over time but a line?

[crickets chirping]

[Lidia VO] Year seven, I finish my dissertation.

[bang]

Year eight, I get a PhD.

[trickling on the floor]

[train passing]

Year ten.

We pretend.

[birds chirping]

[Lidia] You said then

-[Devin snores] -you would love me until I die.

You said we would die together in love.

[Lidia laughs]

[whispers] You said it to me.

[Lidia VO] Where are you?

[Devin snores]

Where is the man?

[Devin snores]

[dramatic music]

Who would love a woman like me?

[train rumbles]

[heavy typing]

[slap]

[Mike VO] Don't you dare.

[crying]

[low rumble]

[heavy keystroke]

[Lidia exhales]

Ha.

[chair creaks]

[printer humming]

[soft music playing in background]

[papers shifting]

[sighs, clears her throat]

[Lidia laughs]

"The date of your reading."

[Lidia laughs]

[envelope tears]

[paper rustling]

[envelope tears]

[paper slams on table]

[lighter flicks]

[Mike] What?

[low rumble]

[distant, distorted applause]

[Moderator] Please welcome

reading an excerpt from her first collection

of short stories, "Her Other Mouths,"

- Lidia Yuknavitch. -[applause]

Lidia, please. Welcome.

[audience chatter]

[Lidia VO] "The day my daughter was born.

After I held the future.

Stillborn.

And pink.

And rose-lipped.

And rose-lipped in my shivering arms.

Little tragedies are

difficult to keep straight.

Chronology convinces us we are moving toward a real place.

[Lidia VO] Swimmers, to your marks.

A gunshot.

A gunshot released our tense flesh.

Fathers were often uncontainable

while the little women swam for their lives.

Swim.

Swim!

Hurry!

Come on, baby.

Harder.

Harder!

Faster!

A cacophony of men swelling

and pressing down on the wet motion.

How many times did I slip into the chlorinated depths,

secretly hoping to shed this useless skin

and emerge something

amphibious

and without gender?

[underwater rumbling]

[Lidia sighs]

The thing is,

this letting everything in

and waiting to see what comes out

is creepy

and idiotic.

And it's starting to piss me off

that I have to even think about that hole.

What I am saying is

there is a woman in a room who is tired of looking down

and bleeding

and--

bearing and itching and aching.

And tired of remaining open

with no hope of suturing herself up.

It isn't that I want it gone.

It's that

I want

wanting

to come from somewhere else.

There are moments between years that surface with great force."

[Lidia] Remind me why we're here.

[Claudia] I thought this was your idea.

I came here with you.

Delusion.

Grown women are idiots.

I don't know.

She begged.

I changed my name.

[Dorothy] Mike!

Lidia! Lidia!

Lidia! Lidia!

Mike! Lidia!

Lidia!

[Lidia] Turn him over. Help me!

[Lidia grunting]

[child screams]

[Lidia VO] "Kill.

Or suck the killing back.

And pump it

into the story of someone else.

[Lidia panting]

[Lidia VO] My father lost his memory from hypoxia that day.

[water splashes]

[pounding]

I did not kill him.

I did not save him.

-[birds calling] -I am learning to live on land."

Um,

[Lidia inhales]

[applause]

Thanks. Oh, that -- that's...

[applause]

[Female 1] But have your parents read this story?

-What do they think of it? -[Lidia clears throat]

Enjoy New York. Really.

You're gonna get an agent outta this.

[Female 2] Lidia, it's so nice to meet you.

Thank you for being here.

Excuse me.

Do you have anything, um,

a little stronger?

Thanks.

Carol Houck Smith, Norton Publishing.

It's pretty impressive what you did up there.

Thank you.

No, really. It didn't look easy.

Tell me, is there any more where that came from?

Something, a little longer?

-[airplane rumble] -[cocktail party fades]

You should send me something.

[Lidia VO] It's just that

something in me had been born

still.

-[music playing] -♪ And there you got me ♪

♪ That's how you got me ♪

♪ You taught me to be mean ♪

♪ But I ♪

♪ Ran out ♪

♪ Of white dove's feathers ♪

♪ To soak up the hot ♪

♪ Piss that comes through your mouth ♪

It's a small stone I carry.

♪ Ohh ♪

Shame of wanting something good.

♪ Of white dove's feathers... ♪

[sirens wailing]

[dramatic music]

[Lidia gulps]

[Lidia indiscernible]

[dramatic music continues]

-[tires screeching] -[crash]

[door slams]

[door twisting open]

-[woman crying] -[broken glass clinking]

[woman whimpering]

[woman crying]

[dramatic music continues]

[sirens wailing]

[police radio chatter]

[door slams]

[Lidia exhales]

[Lidia grunts]

[sploshing]

[Woman] I told you not to fuck with me, bitch!

I told you. And you [indiscernible].

[service vehicle backing up]

I'm fucking trash.

[Officer Kyle] Hey, what are you doing? Keep it moving.

[jazzy drums beating]

[Lidia pants]

Hi.

Chopping block. Peer review.

Who wants to go first?

[classroom chatter]

Really helpful.

You know, you can't live the wrong life.

You really can't. It's a story you were told.

Your one is just as important, it's your own.

You have to -- It has to hurt. But I'm excited for you.

[Lidia sighs]

[low rumble]

[Woman crying]

[screeching tires, crash]

[indistinct arguing]

[arguing continues]

[Man] I don't give a shit!

[Woman] Now what?

[Lidia] Something small

and specific caught my eye,

an important detail --

a bruise on the bridge of her nose letting me know that

her eyes were blue like mine.

Hey!

How much?

I pay her pimp $100. I ask her in.

I tell her to sit down.

[desk creaks]

In the story, I say,

[Lidia VO] "This is what it feels like to be me."

A woman who teaches English,

looking down at a woman who sucks dicks all day

as she sits on my couch, smoking.

When I look at her, I think she looks like Mary.

[whispering] Whenever I see an image of Christ ,

I picture Mary so drawn and gaunt and tired

and angry to the point of emaciation

that she can barely wear her own face.

In the story, I say,

"What am I gonna do?

Teach her?"

This is what me, an addict, upwardly mobile,

given something as infinitesimally small

as words to believe in, thinks.

-[Lidia] I'm looking at her. -[birds chirping]

Offer words.

[crickets chirping]

People say to me all the time,

"Did the things in your short stories actually happen?"

[door shuts]

Isn't that the--

the question

when it comes to life?

Did this really happen to me?

Andy.

I don't know.

[Lidia VO] The things that happen to us are true.

But writing is a whole other body.

I was hoping we could discuss my manuscript.

Oh. Of course. Yeah.

I also want to loan you my car.

Saw you were taking the bus, and

I happen to have two cars.

[keys jingle]

Hey.

[Andy gasps]

You can tell a lot about a person

from seeing them in the water.

[Andy] Thank you.

-For what? -For letting me swim with you.

I read a couple of your stories.

I know that swimming's a big deal.

I always let my students choose the venue.

[Andy] You know, I wanted to say

I've seen you a couple of times before.

Yeah, I read about Ken Kesey teaching at U of O

when I was abroad, and I applied to the program,

but it already happened.

No shit. That's funny.

[Andy] Yeah, I know.

And then I seen you stomping around

the creative writing department.

I was in the reading you gave at Gerlinger.

Wow. That's...

That's weird. Weird.

That was a weird day for me.

Why?

My father

was--my--

my father...

[Andy] Your father?

Was abusive.

Your father.

How so?

Sexual.

[Andy] Oh.

That sucks.

I hope something karmically fucked happened to him.

Yeah.

It kind of actually--it did.

Excellent, then.

[Lidia laughs]

Uh, I, um--

Blah. It was a long time ago.

I was a totally different person then.

So who are you now?

I'm your teacher.

[Lidia laughs]

So, Teach, are you gonna take my car?

[Lidia VO] I don't quite know how to tell you

what it feels like.

Watching the little woman swim for her life.

[paper tears]

I mean.

[Lidia] Are you fucking insane?

No.

You think I'm someone else.

Hm-mm.

I can see the mother in you.

There's more to your story than you think.

[baby cries]

[soft dramatic music]

[baby cries]

[inaudible whisper]

[baby cries]

[baby cries]

[baby coos]

[Miles babbles]

[Miles babbles]

[Miles babbles]

[car approaching]

[Miles babbles]

[door opens]

-[Mike] Oh it's, very nice. -[Andy] This is it.

[Mike] Very nice.

[Andy] Well, we're just gonna go this way, sir, on the left.

[Mike] Oh.

[footsteps]

[Mike sighs]

What about the room?

They said it would be ready tomorrow for sure.

Okay.

That must have been a very weird ride.

[Lidia laughs]

Thank you.

[whispers] You don't ever have to say thank you to me.

I'm good. [laughs]

Yeah?

Yeah.

Hi, Dad.

[Mike] Marilou?

No. It's me. It's Lidia.

I know that, kiddo.

[Miles babbles]

I read that book.

-Oh, yeah? -[Mike] Yeah.

Do you know who wrote it?

Oh.

You.

That's right.

Did you read all of the stories?

[Mike] I, uh,

There was one about swimming.

I liked that.

Thank you.

Not very flattering of me, though.

That's fair enough. [laughs]

[Mike] Ah.

You know, I won a prize for that story.

I got to go to New York.

[Mike] Huh.

Well, isn't that something, huh?

[Mike sighs]

It's beautiful here.

It's a real home you have here.

Well done.

Well done, you.

[Lidia VO] The safest memories are locked away in the brains

of people who can't remember.

[Dorothy] Oh, oh! Get her, Mike! Get her, Mike!

[splash]

[Mike] You know I don't swim. Claudia, go get your sister.

[Lidia VO] Underwater forever.

[water splashes]

[Andy] There you go, pal.

[ducks quacking]

Look, I'm doing 'wimming.

Wow!

[Lidia making noises]

[Miles screams]

What's wrong?

[Miles] The water will go in my

nose and ears and into my brain.

[Lidia laughs]

Uh, Miles?

How many times have you seen

Mama swimming and swimming laps?

-Lots of times, right? -Yeah.

Have you ever noticed

that I've never got water in my brain?

Water's never gone into my brain.

You want to see?

-Huh. -Watch this.

Tell me how much water goes in my brain.

-Okay? -Okay.

[Lidia breathes deeply]

See?

Mm-hmm.

[Andy] Okay, pull.

[Miles] I have a very important game.

I'm gonna put my whole head underwater.

[water splashes]

Okay.

[Miles] And we look at each other underwater.

-What game is this? -I made it up.

[both breathe in deeply]

-[underwater rumble] -[ethereal music echoes]

[Lidia VO] The key is,

make up shit.

I'm not speaking out of my asshole when I say this.

Come in.

The water will hold you.

[dramatic music]

[singer vocalizing]

[dramatic music continues]

[dramatic music continues]

[singer vocalizing]

[Lidia whispering] Anything. Anywhere. Anytime.

[whispering continues]

[pencil scribbling]

[dramatic music]

[singer vocalizing]

[singer vocalizing continues]

[dramatic music continues]

[singer vocalizing continues]

[dramatic music continues]

[dramatic music fades]