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♪ My words are lazy ♪
♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪
2
00:00:16,842 --> 00:00:20,019
♪ But this is one thing ♪
♪ I'm sure of ♪
3
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:23,587
♪ Everybody needs ♪
♪ A best friend ♪
4
00:00:23,588 --> 00:00:26,156
♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
5
00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:34,686
Is there someone present
in this house?
6
00:00:35,209 --> 00:00:36,862
Is there a spirit here?
7
00:00:38,821 --> 00:00:40,083
John : Oh.
8
00:00:40,301 --> 00:00:41,388
I just wanna point out you got
9
00:00:41,389 --> 00:00:42,564
a fuckin' talkin'
teddy bear here.
10
00:00:42,781 --> 00:00:44,044
A ghost ain't that big a deal.
11
00:00:44,218 --> 00:00:45,262
Shh. Quiet.
12
00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:48,091
Will you answer our questions?
13
00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:53,009
How many times a day
does Johnny jerk off?
14
00:00:53,183 --> 00:00:54,010
Fuck you, man.
15
00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:57,361
Eighty-seven?
16
00:00:57,579 --> 00:00:59,102
Oh, hang on,
he's heading for the zero.
17
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:00,625
All right, fuck this.
This is bullshit.
18
00:01:00,843 --> 00:01:02,627
He said,
storming off to masturbate.
19
00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:05,673
Whoa. Hey, Blaire,
what's all that?
20
00:01:05,674 --> 00:01:06,891
Oh, just some booze
21
00:01:06,892 --> 00:01:08,416
for my birthday party
tomorrow night.
22
00:01:08,633 --> 00:01:09,807
That's a lot of alcohol.
23
00:01:09,808 --> 00:01:11,766
Yeah, well, you know,
college crowd.
24
00:01:11,767 --> 00:01:13,595
Hey, Blaire, do you think
maybe me and Teddy
25
00:01:13,812 --> 00:01:14,509
could steal a couple beers?
26
00:01:14,726 --> 00:01:15,553
Oh, yeah!
27
00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:17,512
Ha! Hilarious.
28
00:01:17,729 --> 00:01:19,208
No.
- Oh, come on.
29
00:01:19,209 --> 00:01:20,993
We'll wait until Mom and Dad
are asleep to drink 'em.
30
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:23,170
And-- And we'll do it all
in our room so no one will know.
31
00:01:23,387 --> 00:01:24,823
The ghosts will know.
32
00:01:25,041 --> 00:01:26,302
The ghosts have seen
my asshole.
33
00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:27,870
Why do I care if they see me
drink a beer?
34
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,133
Wait. Why'd you show 'em
your asshole?
35
00:01:30,351 --> 00:01:31,874
They asked.
36
00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:34,137
Sometimes I use the board
when you guys aren't around.
37
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:43,842
all :
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
38
00:01:44,060 --> 00:01:45,888
Happy birthday, Blaire.
39
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,020
Blow out your candles.
40
00:01:48,195 --> 00:01:49,370
Oh, for God's sakes,
do you have to do this
41
00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:50,588
every fuckin' year?
42
00:01:50,806 --> 00:01:52,285
It's his birthday too, damn it.
43
00:01:52,286 --> 00:01:53,896
I'm sorry, Blaire.
44
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,376
Matty insisted.
45
00:01:55,593 --> 00:01:57,073
You have the same birthday
as Reagan?
46
00:01:57,247 --> 00:01:58,421
Yes, and I don't need
47
00:01:58,422 --> 00:02:00,163
to be constantly
fucking reminded of it.
48
00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:01,859
Hey, watch your mouth.
49
00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:03,166
You're talking about
the greatest fuckin' president
50
00:02:03,384 --> 00:02:04,558
this country's ever had.
51
00:02:04,559 --> 00:02:05,646
That doesn't mean
you need to leave
52
00:02:05,647 --> 00:02:06,778
an empty seat
for him every year.
53
00:02:06,996 --> 00:02:08,432
Like he's fuckin'
Elijah the prophet.
54
00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:10,260
It's like the ghost
is sitting there.
55
00:02:10,478 --> 00:02:11,347
What ghost?
56
00:02:11,348 --> 00:02:12,349
Blaire has a Ouija board,
57
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:13,611
and we were talking to a ghost,
58
00:02:13,829 --> 00:02:15,091
and it watches Johnny jerk off
59
00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:16,222
and he showed it his butthole.
60
00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:17,485
Blaire, I don't like having
61
00:02:17,702 --> 00:02:20,009
a Ouija board in this house.
62
00:02:20,183 --> 00:02:21,531
We're churchgoing people.
63
00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:24,405
Okay, listen,
thank you so much for the cake.
64
00:02:24,622 --> 00:02:26,233
Really, I-- I do appreciate it.
65
00:02:27,321 --> 00:02:29,584
I'll have some of it later,
but right now,
66
00:02:29,801 --> 00:02:31,629
me and Sarah are gonna go up
and get ready for the party.
67
00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:34,066
- Okay.
- Just keep the noise down, huh?
68
00:02:34,241 --> 00:02:37,244
Oh, come on, Matty.
It's her birthday.
69
00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:38,941
Hey, hey. Don't sit.
That's for Reagan!
70
00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:42,945
That-- That's for Reagan.
71
00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:48,341
♪ Murderer ♪
72
00:02:48,342 --> 00:02:49,733
♪ I'm the lyrical gangster ♪
73
00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:50,518
♪ Murderer ♪
74
00:02:53,085 --> 00:02:54,651
♪ Still love you like that ♪
75
00:02:54,652 --> 00:02:55,653
♪ Murderer ♪
76
00:02:59,135 --> 00:03:01,485
- ♪ Yes, we mul-ti-ply ♪
- Happy birthday.
77
00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:06,273
Oh, man,
these chicks are so hot.
78
00:03:07,752 --> 00:03:09,232
Oh, God.
79
00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:11,408
Shouldn't her vagina
be starting?
80
00:03:11,974 --> 00:03:13,715
- Huh?
- She's pulling way down there.
81
00:03:13,932 --> 00:03:15,803
It should be starting.
There's nothing there.
82
00:03:15,804 --> 00:03:17,065
Oh, yeah. Look at that.
83
00:03:17,066 --> 00:03:19,068
I'm gonna write a letter
to these bums.
84
00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:21,723
Dear Sports Illustrated,
85
00:03:21,940 --> 00:03:25,292
the woman on page 64
has no vagina.
86
00:03:25,509 --> 00:03:27,729
You have got some nerve.
87
00:03:27,946 --> 00:03:29,905
I have drawn a sketch
to indicate
88
00:03:30,122 --> 00:03:31,559
what I feel we are owed.
89
00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:33,561
Sincerely, Jason Bateman.
90
00:03:33,778 --> 00:03:35,432
Oh, man. This sucks.
91
00:03:35,650 --> 00:03:37,086
I'm 17 years old.
92
00:03:37,260 --> 00:03:39,567
It's Friday night,
and there's beer in my house
93
00:03:39,784 --> 00:03:41,090
and I can't get to it.
94
00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:43,527
Hey, you know,
I could probably go get some.
95
00:03:43,745 --> 00:03:45,007
- How?
- Well, that room's
96
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,355
probably packed with people.
97
00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:47,531
Nobody's gonna notice
a guy my size
98
00:03:47,749 --> 00:03:48,880
slippin' in and slippin' out.
99
00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:50,273
You really think you can do it?
100
00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:52,536
Does Magic Johnson have AIDS?
101
00:03:52,754 --> 00:03:54,277
- What the fuck?
- What?
102
00:03:54,495 --> 00:03:56,323
What the fuck
kind of response is that?
103
00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:58,455
- What? I'm saying yes.
- Then just say yes.
104
00:03:58,673 --> 00:03:59,934
- I did.
- No, you didn't.
105
00:03:59,935 --> 00:04:01,328
You said,
"Does Magic Johnson have AIDS?"
106
00:04:01,545 --> 00:04:03,330
- I never said that.
- You literally just said it.
107
00:04:03,547 --> 00:04:04,766
Okay, I did, but you laughed.
108
00:04:04,983 --> 00:04:06,028
No, I didn't.
109
00:04:06,681 --> 00:04:08,291
I feel like
we're growing apart.
110
00:04:12,774 --> 00:04:15,384
Jesus Christ,
would you listen to that?
111
00:04:15,385 --> 00:04:18,214
Sounds like they're having
a goddamn or-gee.
112
00:04:18,388 --> 00:04:20,477
I think it's pronounced "orjy."
113
00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:23,306
No, no,
you're thinking of "orijami."
114
00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:24,829
What's that?
115
00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:26,962
That's that-- that thing
where the Japanese
116
00:04:27,179 --> 00:04:28,224
fuck around with paper.
117
00:04:28,398 --> 00:04:29,312
Keep it down!
118
00:04:29,530 --> 00:04:32,576
Oh, they're just havin' fun.
119
00:04:32,794 --> 00:04:35,144
Remember when we were her age?
No.
120
00:04:35,318 --> 00:04:37,580
- We'd go to parties.
- Yeah, that was different.
121
00:04:37,581 --> 00:04:39,061
We-- We were doing the Twist.
122
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,281
These degenerates
are doing the Lambada.
123
00:04:41,455 --> 00:04:42,325
Oh. Matt--
124
00:04:42,543 --> 00:04:43,587
It's forbidden, Susan.
125
00:04:43,805 --> 00:04:47,287
We were young and passionate.
126
00:04:47,461 --> 00:04:49,332
Do you ever miss it?
Even just a little?
127
00:04:49,550 --> 00:04:50,507
No.
128
00:04:52,466 --> 00:04:54,424
- Matty.
- What?
129
00:04:54,990 --> 00:04:56,296
Do you love me?
130
00:04:57,122 --> 00:04:58,559
What the hell
kinda question is that, Susan?
131
00:04:58,776 --> 00:04:59,995
Of course I do.
132
00:05:00,212 --> 00:05:01,388
It's just...
133
00:05:02,127 --> 00:05:04,347
I never know
what you're feeling anymore.
134
00:05:04,565 --> 00:05:05,522
I feel fine.
135
00:05:06,393 --> 00:05:09,352
But you like your life with me?
136
00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:10,657
Yeah.
137
00:05:10,658 --> 00:05:12,355
It's okay
to share your feelings.
138
00:05:12,573 --> 00:05:13,790
Jesus Christ, Susan,
139
00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:15,227
I'm ju-- I'm just
trying to read here.
140
00:05:18,361 --> 00:05:20,624
- Are your stools any better?
- Fuckin' awful.
141
00:05:20,842 --> 00:05:23,105
Just piles of eyebrows
for three days.
142
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,847
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- You know what?
143
00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:28,284
I'm gonna try
and coax one out right now.
144
00:05:35,465 --> 00:05:37,249
Oh.
145
00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,120
Oh, Christ. Susan.
146
00:05:39,121 --> 00:05:42,385
Call the doctor.
Ask why diarrhea would be white.
147
00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:51,394
Um, so, what did
your parents say?
148
00:05:51,612 --> 00:05:53,570
Um...
149
00:05:53,788 --> 00:05:55,746
nothing. I di--
I didn't tell them.
150
00:05:56,443 --> 00:05:57,705
Are you fucking kidding me?
151
00:05:57,922 --> 00:05:59,402
Sarah, we--
we talked about this.
152
00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:01,404
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
153
00:06:01,622 --> 00:06:04,059
This was the only thing
I wanted for my birthday.
154
00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:06,452
Blaire, they're just
not ready, okay?
155
00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:08,411
We'd be saving ourselves.
156
00:06:08,629 --> 00:06:10,848
You are
such a hypocrite.
157
00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:12,894
You-- You sat
in that bed right there
158
00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:15,026
and gave me shit
for not telling Matty and Susan.
159
00:06:15,244 --> 00:06:17,420
Well, maybe I was
fucking wrong.
160
00:06:17,638 --> 00:06:18,900
Maybe it wasn't a good idea.
161
00:06:19,117 --> 00:06:20,945
No, no. It was.
162
00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:22,338
And I did it.
163
00:06:22,512 --> 00:06:25,123
And, yeah,
it was fuckin' hard as shit,
164
00:06:25,341 --> 00:06:26,516
but I did it.
165
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:28,431
And eventually they understood.
166
00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:31,128
And so will your parents.
No. It's different.
167
00:06:31,129 --> 00:06:32,870
That's so not fair.
168
00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:34,829
Blaire, I'm just protecting us.
169
00:06:35,046 --> 00:06:37,440
No, I don't need
your fucking protection, okay?
170
00:06:37,658 --> 00:06:41,444
I put myself out there
in front of my family for you,
171
00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:43,054
and I deserve that same respect.
172
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:45,753
It's not the right time.
173
00:06:48,059 --> 00:06:49,321
Fuck you then.
174
00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:50,583
Excuse me?
175
00:06:50,584 --> 00:06:53,761
- I'm-- I'm sorry.
- No. It's fine.
176
00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:55,066
I'll see you later.
177
00:06:55,284 --> 00:06:56,502
No. Sarah, wait.
178
00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,113
Happy birthday.
179
00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:02,596
Fuck!
180
00:07:07,992 --> 00:07:09,385
Ah, fuck.
181
00:07:10,691 --> 00:07:11,953
Hey.
182
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,869
You okay?
- The fuck are you doing here?
183
00:07:15,086 --> 00:07:16,479
I'm a pot-smoking teddy bear
184
00:07:16,697 --> 00:07:17,915
who was told
he couldn't have beer,
185
00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:19,221
so I'm stealing beer.
186
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,701
Whatever.
187
00:07:20,918 --> 00:07:22,485
Do whatever the fuck you want.
188
00:07:22,703 --> 00:07:24,879
You, uh, you want one?
189
00:07:25,923 --> 00:07:27,271
Thanks.
190
00:07:31,189 --> 00:07:34,757
♪ Rollin' down the street ♪
♪ Smokin' indo ♪
191
00:07:34,758 --> 00:07:37,020
♪ Sippin' on gin and juice ♪
192
00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:39,807
♪ Laid back with my mind ♪
♪ On my money ♪
193
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,463
It's like she thinks
the rules are different for her
194
00:07:43,637 --> 00:07:44,724
than they are for me.
195
00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:46,290
- Totally.
- You know what I mean?
196
00:07:46,291 --> 00:07:50,208
It's like I took shit from
a talking dump truck for her.
197
00:07:50,426 --> 00:07:52,472
- Yup.
- You know, I almost alienated
198
00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:55,387
my whole family
because I loved her.
199
00:07:55,562 --> 00:07:57,520
And now, now she wants
to play it safe
200
00:07:57,738 --> 00:07:58,608
that it's fucking flipped.
201
00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:00,479
Love is a two-way street,
202
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,525
and she doesn't--
she doesn't get that.
203
00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:04,962
Exactly. I mean, what the fuck?
204
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,529
Love is a battlefield.
205
00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:07,834
- Yes.
- Right.
206
00:08:07,835 --> 00:08:09,924
Holy shit.
Wait, who the fuck--
207
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:11,141
Who thought of that? Did you--
208
00:08:11,142 --> 00:08:12,361
- I did.
- Did you think of that?
209
00:08:12,535 --> 00:08:14,015
I write poetry on the side.
210
00:08:14,232 --> 00:08:17,627
We are young, and no one
can tell us we're wrong.
211
00:08:17,845 --> 00:08:19,019
Jesus.
212
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:21,239
That's-- That's fuckin'
word art, man.
213
00:08:21,457 --> 00:08:23,154
- Listen, you gotta do...
- What?
214
00:08:23,372 --> 00:08:25,722
...what you think
is the rightsest for you.
215
00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:30,074
And if she knows what she's got,
then she's got to get in it.
216
00:08:30,292 --> 00:08:31,772
- Yes.
- 'Cau-- 'Cause you're cool.
217
00:08:31,989 --> 00:08:33,948
Oh, fuck you. You're cool.
218
00:08:34,165 --> 00:08:36,167
Listen, you listen
to your pal Ted
219
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:37,908
'cause he's got your back.
220
00:08:49,050 --> 00:08:50,791
Am I lesbian now?
221
00:08:51,008 --> 00:08:52,575
Okay, I'm going to bed.
222
00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:55,752
Me, too.
223
00:09:16,947 --> 00:09:17,687
Oh!
224
00:09:28,655 --> 00:09:29,786
Ted!
225
00:09:30,178 --> 00:09:31,745
Ted!
226
00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:37,751
Ah, Jesus.
227
00:09:39,187 --> 00:09:39,970
I kissed you.
228
00:09:40,492 --> 00:09:42,146
- Yeah.
- I was drunk.
229
00:09:42,538 --> 00:09:44,409
- Yeah.
- My head was all fucked up.
230
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:45,671
Yeah.
231
00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:46,498
Please forget
this ever happened
232
00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:47,456
till the day you die.
233
00:09:47,630 --> 00:09:48,978
Oh, thank God,
234
00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:50,458
I thought you
were gonna make me marry you.
235
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:53,026
Hey, you got a shirt?
It's kinda cold this morning.
236
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,594
Yeah.
237
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,686
Uh, also, I borrowed
238
00:09:59,903 --> 00:10:01,775
a pair of shoes
and a handbag from Aunt Suse.
239
00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:03,472
Could you take 'em
and bring 'em back to her?
240
00:10:03,646 --> 00:10:04,734
Sure.
241
00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:07,431
Don't be humiliated.
You can do this.
242
00:10:07,432 --> 00:10:08,999
You are a strong,
independent--
243
00:10:09,217 --> 00:10:10,086
Ted?
244
00:10:10,087 --> 00:10:11,785
Oh, hey, Mrs. Fechko.
245
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:13,787
Are you okay?
246
00:10:14,004 --> 00:10:15,353
Yeah, I-I'm fine, thank you.
247
00:10:16,746 --> 00:10:18,748
Well, you look like a whore!
248
00:10:27,931 --> 00:10:29,803
Where the hell have you been?
249
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:31,108
Oh, I don't wanna
talk right now.
250
00:10:31,326 --> 00:10:32,240
I just wanna sleep.
251
00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:33,458
I waited up all night for you.
252
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,589
Look, could we please just--
253
00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:35,809
We were supposed to drink beer.
254
00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:37,506
You never came back
with the beer.
255
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:40,856
Things got, uh, out of hand.
256
00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:41,815
Oh, what things?
257
00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:42,816
And why do you got lipstick
258
00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:43,990
all over your face?
259
00:10:43,991 --> 00:10:45,427
Did you hook up with somebody?
260
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:49,431
I-- I fucked Mrs. Fechko.
261
00:10:49,866 --> 00:10:51,259
- What?
- I fucked Mrs. Fechko.
262
00:10:51,476 --> 00:10:52,346
Okay? Are you happy.
263
00:10:52,347 --> 00:10:54,088
You fucked Mrs. Fechko?
264
00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:55,741
She invited me in
'cause she had
265
00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:57,700
way too much potato salad,
and she was panicking.
266
00:10:57,918 --> 00:10:59,310
Next thing I know,
she's taking her teeth out.
267
00:10:59,528 --> 00:11:01,399
- No way.
- Johnny, I swear.
268
00:11:02,052 --> 00:11:03,663
Okay. Well, how was it?
269
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:05,882
Oh, she was amazing.
Nothing was off the table.
270
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:09,016
Arabian Goggles,
Dirty Trombone, Rusty Trombone.
271
00:11:09,233 --> 00:11:10,582
There were so many trombones,
I thought I was
272
00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:11,845
in the Glenn Miller Orchestra.
273
00:11:12,062 --> 00:11:13,455
Holy shit. That's amazing.
274
00:11:14,717 --> 00:11:16,850
- Does she have a friend?
- Huh?
275
00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:18,765
Like, for me. Like,
maybe we could double date.
276
00:11:18,982 --> 00:11:20,549
Oh, yeah.
John, you don't want to, uh--
277
00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:23,247
Teddy, I have struck out
with every girl in school.
278
00:11:23,465 --> 00:11:26,903
But maybe there's somebody
out there who's older, sure,
279
00:11:27,599 --> 00:11:29,645
but lonely, just like me.
280
00:11:30,385 --> 00:11:31,908
And I could give her my heart.
281
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:33,822
And she could school me
in the ancient art
282
00:11:33,823 --> 00:11:34,868
of making whoopee.
283
00:11:35,085 --> 00:11:35,956
You sure?
284
00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:37,697
Teddy,
285
00:11:38,175 --> 00:11:39,916
society may not see older women
286
00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:42,136
as useful or sexy or even human,
287
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:44,268
but John Bennett does.
288
00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:48,577
John Bennett's not afraid
to rub your back with BENGAY.
289
00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:51,362
Yeah, John Bennett's not afraid
to blow his load
290
00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:53,277
on a bowl of butterscotch candy.
291
00:11:53,495 --> 00:11:55,410
John Bennett's not afraid
to finger-bang you
292
00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:57,193
while you watch
The People's Court.
293
00:11:57,194 --> 00:11:59,893
John Bennett's not afraid
to hear your moans of pleasure
294
00:12:00,110 --> 00:12:01,371
and/or arthritic pain.
295
00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:03,287
John Bennett's not afraid
to talk dirty
296
00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:05,593
twice as loud
as my normal speaking voice.
297
00:12:05,594 --> 00:12:08,118
John Bennett's not afraid
to do the same role play
298
00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:09,684
for five days in a row
299
00:12:09,685 --> 00:12:11,078
'cause you keep forgettin'
we did it already.
300
00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:12,906
John Bennett's not afraid
to fuck you
301
00:12:13,123 --> 00:12:14,908
while staring at a black
and white photograph
302
00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:16,518
of your son who died in the war.
303
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:17,693
Okay. Yeah, that's the one.
304
00:12:24,961 --> 00:12:26,920
Blaire, wh-what's all this?
305
00:12:27,137 --> 00:12:28,399
You can take this out
with the trash.
306
00:12:28,617 --> 00:12:30,880
I'm never drinking again.
307
00:12:33,970 --> 00:12:36,538
Matty, did you notice
308
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,802
your bacon and eggs
were shaped like a smiley face?
309
00:12:40,020 --> 00:12:40,977
Yup.
310
00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:42,500
Do you like it?
311
00:12:43,197 --> 00:12:44,938
Susan, I don't need
my breakfast to be having
312
00:12:45,155 --> 00:12:46,461
a better day than I am.
313
00:12:47,592 --> 00:12:49,986
All right, I gotta go
to the hardware store.
314
00:12:53,076 --> 00:12:54,034
All right.
315
00:13:33,943 --> 00:13:35,989
You were, for a while then,
during your 20s
316
00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:37,599
and your single days
or when you were younger,
317
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,514
you were easy,
as we would have said.
318
00:13:39,731 --> 00:13:41,036
woman:
Younger than that, actually.
319
00:13:41,037 --> 00:13:42,211
That was the problem.
320
00:13:42,212 --> 00:13:43,647
- In your teenage years.
- Yeah, yeah.
321
00:13:43,648 --> 00:13:45,825
Just-- So you would walk
into a crowded room
322
00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:48,001
and head right for the guy
that would make you the...
323
00:13:48,218 --> 00:13:49,872
Who is it?
It's me.
324
00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:51,307
Phil Donahue:... grab him
with both hands.
325
00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:52,701
woman: Or he'd grab me--Right.
326
00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:54,136
In any event, this was
327
00:13:54,137 --> 00:13:55,486
a neurotic satisfaction
that you were...
328
00:13:57,662 --> 00:13:59,012
woman: Yes, it wasn't so much
a neurotic satisfaction...
329
00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:00,013
Hey.
330
00:14:00,578 --> 00:14:01,710
Hi.
331
00:14:01,884 --> 00:14:03,015
Can I come in?
332
00:14:03,016 --> 00:14:03,843
woman:
I couldn't do what, quote,
333
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:05,018
other girls could do.
334
00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:06,148
I couldn't sit there
335
00:14:06,149 --> 00:14:07,194
and keep my mouth closed,
336
00:14:07,411 --> 00:14:08,456
not give my opinion
337
00:14:08,673 --> 00:14:10,023
and be a--
338
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:13,026
Listen.
339
00:14:13,591 --> 00:14:15,942
I'm sorry about last night.
340
00:14:17,465 --> 00:14:20,337
I didn't mean for things
to get so nasty.
341
00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:24,385
Me neither.
342
00:14:24,820 --> 00:14:27,040
And I'm sorry
about the fuck you.
343
00:14:28,084 --> 00:14:29,085
It's okay.
344
00:14:30,086 --> 00:14:31,435
I slept on it...
345
00:14:33,089 --> 00:14:35,048
and I understand
why you were upset.
346
00:14:36,049 --> 00:14:39,791
I-- I guess I was using
sort of a double standard.
347
00:14:41,097 --> 00:14:42,969
I don't know, I guess
348
00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:44,753
I just didn't want
to deal with the stress.
349
00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:47,364
But that wasn't fair to you.
350
00:14:47,582 --> 00:14:51,107
And I do apologize.
351
00:14:54,110 --> 00:14:55,590
Yeah. Um--
352
00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:58,462
So, there's one more thing
353
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,552
I need to tell you
about last night.
354
00:15:01,770 --> 00:15:02,727
What?
355
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,468
I, uh--
356
00:15:06,557 --> 00:15:08,255
I made out with someone.
357
00:15:09,821 --> 00:15:12,607
Who? Kathleen?
358
00:15:12,824 --> 00:15:13,956
- No.
- Steven?
359
00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:15,784
- No.
- Who?
360
00:15:16,437 --> 00:15:17,481
Ted.
361
00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:20,093
- Oh, my God.
- I was wasted.
362
00:15:20,310 --> 00:15:21,789
It just happened.
- What the fuck?
363
00:15:21,790 --> 00:15:23,357
What the actual fuck?
Are you fucking kidding me?
364
00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:24,749
- It didn't mean anything--
- What kind of fucked-up
365
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,099
West Virginia shit is that?
366
00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:27,490
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my God.
367
00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:28,840
And to think you gave
your uncle shit
368
00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:30,016
for jacking off a dog.
369
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:31,146
- Hold on.
- No!
370
00:15:31,147 --> 00:15:32,932
Fuck you! Get out!
- Sarah.
371
00:15:33,149 --> 00:15:34,324
We're done.
372
00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:36,936
- What do you mean?
- I mean, we're done.
373
00:15:37,153 --> 00:15:37,937
For real.
374
00:16:07,357 --> 00:16:08,880
man [on TV]: It is that you're
a savings and loan officer.
375
00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:10,143
man: Watch.
376
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,972
One, two, three. See?
377
00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:15,148
You've got it all,
and we've got nothing.
378
00:16:15,365 --> 00:16:17,150
And you have all four...
- Blaire?
379
00:16:17,367 --> 00:16:18,368
But I wouldn't
trust you with...
380
00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:20,153
What's wrong?
381
00:16:20,370 --> 00:16:21,196
Nothing.
382
00:16:21,197 --> 00:16:23,199
But you're crying.
383
00:16:23,417 --> 00:16:26,071
I just really don't want
to talk about it, Aunt Suse.
384
00:16:26,072 --> 00:16:27,160
You want me--
You want me
385
00:16:27,377 --> 00:16:29,118
to make you the cakes?
386
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:30,859
The little cakes.
387
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:33,427
- What?
- Cupcakes!
388
00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:36,081
The cupcakes.
That's what they are.
389
00:16:36,082 --> 00:16:38,039
No, I'm-- I'm okay.
390
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,041
Oh.
391
00:16:40,086 --> 00:16:43,176
Sarah and I, we-- we broke up.
392
00:16:43,393 --> 00:16:45,178
Oh.
393
00:16:45,395 --> 00:16:49,008
Oh, Blaire, I'm so sorry.
394
00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:52,011
It's all right.
I just wanna be alone.
395
00:16:52,185 --> 00:16:54,187
But you can talk to Susan.
396
00:16:55,144 --> 00:16:58,233
♪ Dr. Susan's in the house ♪
397
00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:00,193
♪ Ch, ch-ch, ch-ch ♪
♪ Ch, ch-ch, ch-ch ♪
398
00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:01,236
Are you drunk?
399
00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:03,022
No!
400
00:17:03,239 --> 00:17:04,588
No, I would never.
401
00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:07,026
I-- I just had a little bit
402
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,593
of, um, wine from your box.
403
00:17:10,638 --> 00:17:11,943
Shh.
404
00:17:12,248 --> 00:17:15,208
Everybody deserves a little wine
now and then,
405
00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:17,210
don't you think?
406
00:17:17,427 --> 00:17:18,341
I guess.
407
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:22,041
Blaire, what are Goonies?
408
00:17:22,258 --> 00:17:23,041
What?
409
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,695
I heard people talking
410
00:17:24,913 --> 00:17:25,913
about Goonies.
411
00:17:25,914 --> 00:17:27,046
Aunt Suse,
I just really want
412
00:17:27,263 --> 00:17:28,350
to be by myself.
413
00:17:28,351 --> 00:17:31,267
Oh, okay.
I, uh-- I understand.
414
00:17:31,485 --> 00:17:33,226
Okay.
- Okay, sweetheart.
415
00:17:34,009 --> 00:17:37,099
I'm gonna be thinking
the thoughts about you.
416
00:17:37,317 --> 00:17:38,622
- Okay?
- Okay.
417
00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:40,189
Okay.
418
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:44,628
Dr. Susan...
419
00:17:45,934 --> 00:17:48,632
is in the house.
420
00:17:48,850 --> 00:17:50,243
She's like...
421
00:17:56,466 --> 00:17:58,207
All right.
422
00:18:01,297 --> 00:18:03,865
Oh, wow, there she is.
- Huh?
423
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,258
Mrs. Fechko.
424
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:07,086
God, buddy, you were right.
425
00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:08,261
I don't know
how I didn't see it before,
426
00:18:08,478 --> 00:18:10,088
but she's got this, like, raw,
427
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,265
sexual animal magnetism to her.
428
00:18:12,482 --> 00:18:13,744
Go ask her.
429
00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:15,137
About-- About what?
430
00:18:15,355 --> 00:18:16,486
About a friend for me.
431
00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:18,619
Okay.
432
00:18:23,493 --> 00:18:25,539
Hey, uh, Mrs. Fechko. Hi, there.
433
00:18:25,756 --> 00:18:28,019
Hi.
Mrs. Fechko.
434
00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:29,282
May I call you Rebecca?
435
00:18:29,499 --> 00:18:30,760
My name is Gert.
436
00:18:30,761 --> 00:18:33,024
Oh, that's--
that's beautiful, as well.
437
00:18:33,199 --> 00:18:36,115
Listen, I have
a decent proposal for you.
438
00:18:36,289 --> 00:18:37,594
My friend John and I--
439
00:18:37,812 --> 00:18:39,161
The Down syndrome boy?
440
00:18:39,379 --> 00:18:40,467
He doesn't have Down syndrome.
441
00:18:40,684 --> 00:18:42,295
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
442
00:18:42,512 --> 00:18:44,427
I think he does.
443
00:18:47,517 --> 00:18:50,303
Well, be that as it may,
he and I would like to take you
444
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:53,306
and one of your friends out to
a restaurant of your choosing.
445
00:18:53,523 --> 00:18:55,220
Why?
446
00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:58,006
I got-- gotta be honest here,
I thought you'd just say yes.
447
00:18:58,180 --> 00:18:59,834
Uh, because--
because we have lived
448
00:19:00,051 --> 00:19:02,010
across from you all these years,
449
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:04,404
and I gotta believe
there's more to Gert Fechko
450
00:19:04,621 --> 00:19:07,320
than just yelling about
how we need a stop sign here.
451
00:19:07,537 --> 00:19:10,366
We do! People come
zooming by at all hours!
452
00:19:10,584 --> 00:19:12,325
And paranoia about the Chinese.
453
00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:15,545
They're taking over the town!
They even have their own bank!
454
00:19:15,763 --> 00:19:16,937
You see, the truth is,
455
00:19:16,938 --> 00:19:18,940
John could use
an old-fashioned lesson
456
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,985
in manners and such.
- How come?
457
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,205
Because everyone
in your generation is brilliant,
458
00:19:23,423 --> 00:19:25,338
while everyone today
is a dumb piece of shit.
459
00:19:25,555 --> 00:19:27,818
That's all I wanted to hear.
I'll call my friend Mildred.
460
00:19:28,036 --> 00:19:30,604
- Terrific.
- Dinner, 11:00 a.m. sharp.
461
00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:31,866
We'll be there.
462
00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:40,178
Matty.
God damn it!
463
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,396
What's the matter?
464
00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:42,572
I fuckin' sneezed
while I was pissing.
465
00:19:42,790 --> 00:19:45,053
Got in my fuckin' eye.
466
00:19:45,227 --> 00:19:47,011
Uh, there's
a clean pair of pants
467
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,361
right there in the drawer.
468
00:19:48,578 --> 00:19:49,623
Great.
469
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:52,669
Hi.
470
00:19:52,887 --> 00:19:54,671
You wanna horse around?
471
00:19:54,889 --> 00:19:55,759
What?
472
00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:57,370
Johnny's in the front yard.
473
00:19:57,587 --> 00:19:58,762
He can't hear us.
474
00:19:59,415 --> 00:20:00,460
It's day.
475
00:20:00,677 --> 00:20:01,634
Even better,
476
00:20:01,635 --> 00:20:04,332
we can see each other's bodies.
477
00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:05,813
I got piss in my eyes, Susan.
478
00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:07,467
Oh, I don't mind.
479
00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:10,383
Let's dance.
480
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,428
- Is that wine?
- Yeah.
481
00:20:12,646 --> 00:20:14,908
I just had a little bit of wine.
482
00:20:14,909 --> 00:20:16,475
- What are you doing?
- ♪ Don't you remember ♪
483
00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:19,217
♪ You told me ♪
♪ You loved me, baby? ♪
484
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:20,435
Susan, stop it.
485
00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:24,005
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby ♪
486
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,136
♪ Oh, baby ♪
- What are you doing?
487
00:20:25,311 --> 00:20:27,400
For fuck's sake, Susan!
488
00:20:27,617 --> 00:20:28,792
That woman is dead!
489
00:20:36,365 --> 00:20:39,238
♪ I love you ♪
490
00:20:45,287 --> 00:20:49,422
First guy I ever loved
was a total nothing.
491
00:20:49,639 --> 00:20:53,034
The second was worse.
My mom called me a bum magnet.
492
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,079
If there was a bum
within a 50-mile radius,
493
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,385
I was completely attracted.
494
00:20:56,603 --> 00:20:58,213
- Hey.
- Hi.
495
00:20:58,387 --> 00:20:59,345
Julia Roberts:
That's how I ended up here.
496
00:20:59,562 --> 00:21:01,564
- You watching this?
- Yeah.
497
00:21:01,782 --> 00:21:02,826
Richard Gere: Hmm.
498
00:21:03,044 --> 00:21:04,263
There's-- There's
a hockey game.
499
00:21:04,437 --> 00:21:05,612
Watch it upstairs.
500
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:09,529
I-- I can't--
I can't go upstairs.
501
00:21:10,051 --> 00:21:11,835
- Why not?
- Nothing.
502
00:21:12,053 --> 00:21:15,186
So, you chose this
as your profession.
503
00:21:15,361 --> 00:21:17,580
I worked at a couple
fast food places.
504
00:21:18,625 --> 00:21:20,366
Parked cars at wrestling.
505
00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:22,455
What's the story? They married?
506
00:21:22,672 --> 00:21:24,151
No.
507
00:21:24,152 --> 00:21:26,067
She was a hooker
and made it sound so great.
508
00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:27,373
She his girlfriend?
509
00:21:27,590 --> 00:21:29,113
She's a prostitute.
510
00:21:29,549 --> 00:21:30,376
What?
511
00:21:30,593 --> 00:21:31,638
She's a prostitute,
512
00:21:31,855 --> 00:21:33,596
and he's
falling in love with her.
513
00:21:33,814 --> 00:21:34,989
It's not like
anybody plans this.
514
00:21:35,206 --> 00:21:37,644
It's not your childhood dream.
515
00:21:37,861 --> 00:21:39,602
You should
be so much more.
516
00:21:39,820 --> 00:21:41,169
Ain't he worried
about the clap?
517
00:21:41,604 --> 00:21:43,302
- No.
- Why not?
518
00:21:43,476 --> 00:21:44,912
Because she fuckin'
douches a lot.
519
00:21:45,129 --> 00:21:47,218
I don't fuckin' know.
I'm trying to watch.
520
00:21:47,393 --> 00:21:48,306
Christ. Okay.
521
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:50,047
I'm just kickin' the tires.
522
00:21:50,265 --> 00:21:52,006
Don't bite my goddamn head off.
523
00:21:52,223 --> 00:21:54,530
You're a bright,
very special woman.
524
00:21:54,748 --> 00:21:56,793
You gonna-- You gonna
watch all of those?
525
00:21:57,011 --> 00:22:00,057
Yeah, Matty, 'cause that's
what you do after a breakup.
526
00:22:00,275 --> 00:22:03,626
You lay under a blanket and you
watch a bunch of chick flicks.
527
00:22:06,673 --> 00:22:08,283
I don't want you
to get too excited.
528
00:22:08,457 --> 00:22:09,545
This is only on loan.
529
00:22:14,942 --> 00:22:17,727
Oh!
- Jesus. Asshole.
530
00:22:17,945 --> 00:22:19,381
They're gonna
let you borrow this for...
531
00:22:20,948 --> 00:22:22,819
Princess Vivian!
532
00:22:23,037 --> 00:22:23,864
Come down!
533
00:22:28,695 --> 00:22:30,653
It had to be
the top floor, right?
534
00:22:30,871 --> 00:22:31,958
It's the best.
535
00:22:31,959 --> 00:22:33,656
All right,
I'm coming up.
536
00:22:38,705 --> 00:22:41,838
Oh, wow.
She was the pretty woman.
537
00:22:46,887 --> 00:22:50,717
So, Mildred, Teddy has told me
so much about you,
538
00:22:50,934 --> 00:22:53,676
but he neglected
to mention your eyes.
539
00:22:53,894 --> 00:22:55,721
They're like
nice manhole covers.
540
00:22:55,722 --> 00:22:58,202
Well, I didn't know
one of you was a stuffed bear,
541
00:22:58,377 --> 00:22:59,682
so I guess we're even.
542
00:22:59,900 --> 00:23:01,118
Welcome to Armand's.
543
00:23:01,336 --> 00:23:02,685
Take your time.
544
00:23:02,903 --> 00:23:04,034
I'll be back in a bit.
545
00:23:04,818 --> 00:23:06,559
God, there's something
extra depressing
546
00:23:06,776 --> 00:23:08,561
about a bald waiter, am I right?
547
00:23:08,778 --> 00:23:09,866
I might request someone else.
548
00:23:10,084 --> 00:23:11,955
I would like
to propose a toast.
549
00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:13,696
To budding romance.
550
00:23:13,914 --> 00:23:15,741
- For who?
- For you and Teddy.
551
00:23:15,742 --> 00:23:18,092
Yeah, yeah,
Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie.
552
00:23:18,309 --> 00:23:19,702
We're playing it
cool here, Johnny.
553
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:23,706
Hmm. So, Mildred,
tell me about yourself.
554
00:23:23,924 --> 00:23:25,229
Who is Mildred?
555
00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:26,753
Well, I'm from Connecticut.
556
00:23:26,970 --> 00:23:28,885
Ah. The "Show Me" state.
557
00:23:29,103 --> 00:23:30,103
I'm a widow.
558
00:23:30,104 --> 00:23:32,367
My Franklin died
eight years ago.
559
00:23:32,541 --> 00:23:35,239
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
What from?
560
00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:38,591
Crohn's disease.
It's actually named after him.
561
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:41,637
Well, Mrs. Disease,
Ted may just--
562
00:23:41,855 --> 00:23:43,944
No, Crohn. Mildred Crohn.
563
00:23:44,161 --> 00:23:45,772
Well, Mrs. Crohn, I--
564
00:23:45,989 --> 00:23:47,774
I know that I can't
replace Franklin,
565
00:23:47,991 --> 00:23:50,211
but with time I believe
that you'll find me
566
00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:51,342
a worthy companion.
567
00:23:52,039 --> 00:23:54,607
Ardent, steadfast
568
00:23:54,824 --> 00:23:57,653
and prepared to lend a strong
paternal hand to your...
569
00:23:57,871 --> 00:23:59,220
Nine sons.
570
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:02,397
Yes. I am ready to step in
as their father.
571
00:24:02,571 --> 00:24:03,920
Uh, what, uh--
572
00:24:04,138 --> 00:24:06,183
Uh, what about your parents,
Mrs. Fechko?
573
00:24:06,401 --> 00:24:08,403
Most of my father is in a jar.
574
00:24:08,577 --> 00:24:11,014
Mildred, may I just say
your brooch is exquisite?
575
00:24:11,232 --> 00:24:12,363
Oh, thank you.
576
00:24:12,538 --> 00:24:13,974
And your locket is divine.
577
00:24:14,191 --> 00:24:16,759
Oh, Franklin brought it
back from Morocco.
578
00:24:16,977 --> 00:24:18,892
And your stickpin
is resplendent.
579
00:24:20,110 --> 00:24:21,764
Would you excuse me
for a second?
580
00:24:21,982 --> 00:24:24,898
Gert, will you join me
in the little girls' room?
581
00:24:31,339 --> 00:24:32,775
You think they're
spraying their vaginas
582
00:24:32,993 --> 00:24:34,298
with eau de toilette?
583
00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:35,647
Yeah, I really don't know
584
00:24:35,648 --> 00:24:37,084
what the fuck
is happening anymore.
585
00:24:39,129 --> 00:24:40,870
Shut the door! Shut the door!
586
00:24:41,088 --> 00:24:42,698
Do you see
what's going on here?
587
00:24:42,916 --> 00:24:44,178
- What?
- They're bandits!
588
00:24:44,395 --> 00:24:46,397
They're trying
to steal our jewels!
589
00:24:46,572 --> 00:24:47,963
- You think so?
- Yes!
590
00:24:47,964 --> 00:24:50,488
They want to bamboozle us
out of our fortunes!
591
00:24:50,489 --> 00:24:52,795
Mine won't quit
staring at my amulet!
592
00:24:53,013 --> 00:24:54,318
They're grifters!
593
00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:55,971
Oh, my God!
594
00:24:55,972 --> 00:24:58,105
The one with Down syndrome
is the flimflam artist,
595
00:24:58,322 --> 00:25:00,237
and the bear is the bagman.
596
00:25:00,455 --> 00:25:02,588
Thank God all my money's
in traveler's checks.
597
00:25:02,805 --> 00:25:04,720
They're probably
going from town to town,
598
00:25:04,938 --> 00:25:07,636
pulling this little stunt
all across the country.
599
00:25:07,854 --> 00:25:10,030
But they lived across
the street from me for 18 years.
600
00:25:10,247 --> 00:25:12,598
Even worse! It's a long con!
601
00:25:12,815 --> 00:25:15,861
Well, then I am not spraying
my vagina with eau de toilette.
602
00:25:15,862 --> 00:25:19,039
Oh, no! Let's get out of here!
603
00:25:19,996 --> 00:25:22,825
You fucking thieves!
604
00:25:26,568 --> 00:25:30,006
Oh, I'm so glad we don't
have to fuck 'em after they ate.
605
00:25:56,598 --> 00:25:58,121
Patrick Swayze:
Tell her it's for luck.
606
00:25:58,339 --> 00:25:59,862
Whoopi Goldberg:
Sam says it's for luck.
607
00:26:08,001 --> 00:26:09,393
Matty?
608
00:26:10,743 --> 00:26:11,787
Yeah?
609
00:26:12,919 --> 00:26:15,008
- Are you okay?
- Yeah--
610
00:26:15,704 --> 00:26:17,097
I was just sleeping.
611
00:26:17,314 --> 00:26:18,881
You just fuckin' woke me up.
612
00:26:19,099 --> 00:26:21,057
Oh, sorry.
613
00:26:21,623 --> 00:26:24,757
Um, yeah, you know what?
I'm getting tired, too.
614
00:26:24,974 --> 00:26:26,672
I'm gonna go say good night
to Susan and go to bed.
615
00:26:26,889 --> 00:26:28,543
Yeah. Me, too.
I'm gonna go to bed as well.
616
00:26:28,717 --> 00:26:30,893
I'm just gonna
turn the lights off first.
617
00:27:04,361 --> 00:27:06,189
Aunt Suse?
618
00:27:07,626 --> 00:27:10,280
- Blaire.
- Hi.
619
00:27:13,370 --> 00:27:16,983
Listen, I just
wanted to apologize
620
00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:19,420
for being so short with you
this afternoon.
621
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:21,944
No, no, no. It's fine.
622
00:27:22,162 --> 00:27:25,991
I know you're having a sad day,
and it's your birthday week,
623
00:27:25,992 --> 00:27:27,689
and I'm so sorry.
624
00:27:28,385 --> 00:27:30,953
Are you still drinking?
625
00:27:31,171 --> 00:27:32,651
Well--
626
00:27:32,825 --> 00:27:35,566
You know who I read
likes to drink now and then?
627
00:27:36,176 --> 00:27:39,353
Me.
628
00:27:39,570 --> 00:27:41,660
I started keeping a diary.
629
00:27:41,834 --> 00:27:44,532
Oh, my God. Okay.
630
00:27:45,489 --> 00:27:46,969
Um--
631
00:27:48,231 --> 00:27:49,755
Is something going on?
632
00:27:49,972 --> 00:27:50,886
Like what?
633
00:27:51,104 --> 00:27:52,409
I don't know. I--
634
00:27:52,627 --> 00:27:54,585
Anything you need to talk about?
635
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:57,676
I mean, I've hardly
ever seen you drink wine.
636
00:27:58,807 --> 00:28:01,767
Sometimes I feel
like I'm all alone.
637
00:28:02,637 --> 00:28:03,638
What do you mean?
638
00:28:03,812 --> 00:28:06,031
When we were younger,
639
00:28:06,032 --> 00:28:08,556
Matty used to
share things with me.
640
00:28:09,688 --> 00:28:12,865
Sometimes he'd even tell me
how he was feeling.
641
00:28:13,082 --> 00:28:13,996
He did?
642
00:28:14,214 --> 00:28:15,563
Yeah.
643
00:28:16,259 --> 00:28:19,001
And it's been years
since he shared anything.
644
00:28:19,915 --> 00:28:22,135
Last night I began to wonder,
645
00:28:23,005 --> 00:28:25,573
is this all there is
until the end?
646
00:28:26,052 --> 00:28:27,618
Me sitting alone,
647
00:28:27,793 --> 00:28:31,318
trying to guess
if Matty still loves me?
648
00:28:31,535 --> 00:28:33,276
I'm sure he still loves you.
649
00:28:33,494 --> 00:28:36,497
Ah, he never says it
to me anymore.
650
00:28:36,715 --> 00:28:38,717
He never does anything romantic.
651
00:28:40,109 --> 00:28:43,025
Doesn't even put in the effort
to smell neutral anymore.
652
00:28:43,722 --> 00:28:45,898
Listen,
653
00:28:46,115 --> 00:28:48,901
I really do wanna
talk about this with you, okay?
654
00:28:49,118 --> 00:28:53,253
It-- It's just-- I've had
kind of a rough day myself.
655
00:28:53,470 --> 00:28:54,515
I know.
656
00:28:54,733 --> 00:28:56,865
But tomorrow,
657
00:28:57,083 --> 00:29:00,347
what if we did, like,
girls' day or something?
658
00:29:00,564 --> 00:29:02,349
I'd love that.
659
00:29:02,566 --> 00:29:07,136
And for now, I'm just gonna
put this back in the box.
660
00:29:07,354 --> 00:29:08,485
Okay.
- Okay.
661
00:29:08,877 --> 00:29:11,619
I'm gonna ride my bike
to Taco Bell.
662
00:29:16,102 --> 00:29:17,059
Patrick Swayze:
I love you, Molly.
663
00:29:20,106 --> 00:29:21,585
I've always loved you.
664
00:29:29,115 --> 00:29:29,768
Ditto.
665
00:29:29,985 --> 00:29:30,769
Matty?
666
00:29:35,034 --> 00:29:38,864
Blaire. I was--
I was just looking for hockey.
667
00:29:39,081 --> 00:29:41,127
And, uh, sports and scores.
668
00:29:41,344 --> 00:29:43,782
I wanted-- I wanted hock--
I wanted sports and hockey.
669
00:29:43,956 --> 00:29:45,087
Did you turn Ghost back on?
670
00:29:45,696 --> 00:29:47,786
- No.
- You're crying.
671
00:29:48,003 --> 00:29:50,397
- No, I'm not.
- You're crying at Ghost.
672
00:29:50,614 --> 00:29:51,615
Fuck off!
673
00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:53,095
Matty, it's okay.
674
00:29:53,313 --> 00:29:55,619
I'm not crying!
It-- I'm just--
675
00:29:56,185 --> 00:29:57,534
It's-- It's piss.
676
00:29:57,752 --> 00:29:59,797
It's okay
if the story moved you.
677
00:29:59,798 --> 00:30:01,321
That's what it's supposed to do.
678
00:30:01,538 --> 00:30:03,105
I wasn't fuckin' crying!
679
00:30:03,323 --> 00:30:05,151
Okay, why don't you sit down?
680
00:30:05,368 --> 00:30:07,109
I wanna show you something.
681
00:30:11,026 --> 00:30:14,769
God! I'm so mad,
I don't know what to do.
682
00:30:14,943 --> 00:30:16,291
I wanna know why.
683
00:30:16,292 --> 00:30:19,121
I wanna know
why Shelby's life is over.
684
00:30:19,339 --> 00:30:21,167
I wanna know
how that baby will ever know
685
00:30:21,384 --> 00:30:23,343
how wonderful his mother was.
686
00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:27,129
Will he ever know
what she went through for him?
687
00:30:27,347 --> 00:30:30,176
Oh, God. I wanna know why!
688
00:30:30,393 --> 00:30:31,350
Why?
689
00:30:31,351 --> 00:30:33,179
Goddamn right, why?
690
00:30:33,788 --> 00:30:36,008
Wh-Why did it
have to be Shelby, huh?
691
00:30:36,225 --> 00:30:38,227
She-- She had her-- She had her
whole life ahead of her!
692
00:30:38,445 --> 00:30:40,186
I know, it's-- it's so sad.
693
00:30:40,403 --> 00:30:43,014
She was such a ray of sunshine!
694
00:30:43,015 --> 00:30:46,322
What's the point of love
when it causes so much pain?
695
00:30:46,540 --> 00:30:48,847
She gave so much
and asked so little.
696
00:30:49,021 --> 00:30:50,196
Why couldn't it have been
Shirley MacLaine
697
00:30:50,413 --> 00:30:51,850
with the diabetes?
698
00:30:52,024 --> 00:30:53,764
It doesn't make
any goddamn sense!
699
00:30:53,939 --> 00:30:55,854
- And the baby!
- Oh, God!
700
00:30:56,028 --> 00:30:57,419
The baby!
701
00:30:57,420 --> 00:30:59,857
Wh-Wh-What's gonna happen
to the fuckin' baby?
702
00:30:59,858 --> 00:31:01,163
He's never gonna
know his mother.
703
00:31:01,381 --> 00:31:02,643
I want some fuckin' answers!
704
00:31:02,861 --> 00:31:04,558
I want some
fuckin' goddamn answers!
705
00:31:04,775 --> 00:31:06,473
And I want 'em right now!
- Matty.
706
00:31:06,690 --> 00:31:08,649
Matty. It's just a movie.
707
00:31:14,698 --> 00:31:16,222
My God.
708
00:31:17,919 --> 00:31:19,442
This is what chick flicks are?
709
00:31:19,660 --> 00:31:23,403
Yes. The whole point is
to get you to feel something.
710
00:31:23,620 --> 00:31:25,796
To share an emotive experience
through a narrative.
711
00:31:25,971 --> 00:31:27,276
Blaire,
712
00:31:27,886 --> 00:31:30,192
you cannot tell anybody
that I fuckin' cried.
713
00:31:30,410 --> 00:31:31,628
I won't.
714
00:31:32,542 --> 00:31:35,806
But there is one person
you need to tell.
715
00:31:35,981 --> 00:31:37,678
What? What the fuck
you talkin' about?
716
00:31:37,896 --> 00:31:40,289
Matty, do you see
what's happening right now?
717
00:31:40,507 --> 00:31:42,074
Aunt Suse needs to see this.
718
00:31:42,291 --> 00:31:44,119
- Jesus. No way.
- Why not?
719
00:31:44,337 --> 00:31:45,468
I don't wanna look like
fuckin' Boy George
720
00:31:45,686 --> 00:31:46,642
in front of my wife.
721
00:31:46,643 --> 00:31:48,819
Besides, I think she's drunk.
722
00:31:48,994 --> 00:31:52,475
Uh, yeah, she's been drinking.
You know why?
723
00:31:52,693 --> 00:31:55,478
It's because she's starved
for any kind of human feeling.
724
00:31:55,696 --> 00:31:58,133
If she saw you
like this right now,
725
00:31:58,351 --> 00:32:00,005
she'd love you
like the day you married her.
726
00:32:00,919 --> 00:32:02,137
I don't know.
727
00:32:02,355 --> 00:32:04,139
Matty, there's no shame
in being vulnerable
728
00:32:04,357 --> 00:32:05,748
with the person that you love.
729
00:32:05,749 --> 00:32:08,535
Sure, maybe you feel
a little stupid right now,
730
00:32:08,752 --> 00:32:10,232
but don't you
also feel kinda good?
731
00:32:10,450 --> 00:32:13,235
Like, kinda relaxed and free?
732
00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,195
I guess so.
733
00:32:17,283 --> 00:32:18,240
Yeah, I do.
734
00:32:18,458 --> 00:32:20,721
Your wife needs you right now.
735
00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:22,288
She needs this, Matty.
736
00:32:23,115 --> 00:32:24,507
I don't know how to do that.
737
00:32:26,509 --> 00:32:28,250
Do you have a ladder?
738
00:32:34,300 --> 00:32:35,649
Susan!
Yeah.
739
00:32:35,866 --> 00:32:37,259
Susan!
- I know.
740
00:32:37,781 --> 00:32:39,261
Susan!
741
00:32:41,481 --> 00:32:42,917
Matty?
742
00:32:49,576 --> 00:32:50,751
Matty!
743
00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:53,493
Princess Susan! I need you!
744
00:32:53,710 --> 00:32:54,973
What are you doing?
745
00:32:55,190 --> 00:32:56,539
I'm comin' up!
746
00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:00,979
Are those roses?
747
00:33:01,196 --> 00:33:02,458
I'm on my way.
748
00:33:02,676 --> 00:33:05,287
I'm comin' up, Princess Susan!
749
00:33:05,505 --> 00:33:06,375
I'm comin' up!
750
00:33:11,511 --> 00:33:14,253
Fuck!
751
00:33:14,862 --> 00:33:16,123
Careful.
A little more.
752
00:33:16,124 --> 00:33:17,429
Careful. I know. Yep.
Easy.
753
00:33:17,430 --> 00:33:18,605
Easy, for fuck's sake.
- All right. All right.
754
00:33:18,822 --> 00:33:21,303
- Sorry. God.
- Jesus Christ!
755
00:33:21,521 --> 00:33:22,609
Fuck, I need a beer.
- Okay.
756
00:33:22,826 --> 00:33:23,784
Yeah, I'll-- I'll get you that.
757
00:33:24,002 --> 00:33:25,480
- Yeah.
- Thank you, Blaire.
758
00:33:25,481 --> 00:33:28,310
- God Almighty.
- All right. Over to the couch.
759
00:33:29,137 --> 00:33:30,704
- Here.
- Give me that.
760
00:33:30,921 --> 00:33:34,273
I feel like
a jackass, Susan.
761
00:33:35,622 --> 00:33:37,145
I just-- I just wanted
to make you feel
762
00:33:37,363 --> 00:33:38,581
like a special prostitute.
763
00:33:38,799 --> 00:33:41,323
Oh, Matty!
764
00:33:41,541 --> 00:33:43,847
I do feel like one.
765
00:33:44,022 --> 00:33:47,416
That was the sweetest,
most wonderful gesture
766
00:33:47,634 --> 00:33:50,245
I've ever seen in my life.
767
00:33:50,463 --> 00:33:51,637
This-- This is what happens
768
00:33:51,638 --> 00:33:53,379
when you show
your fuckin' feelings.
769
00:33:53,596 --> 00:33:54,944
Well,
770
00:33:54,945 --> 00:33:56,817
you don't ever have to
show your feelings again
771
00:33:57,035 --> 00:33:58,340
if you don't wanna.
772
00:33:59,037 --> 00:34:01,343
'Cause now I know
how much you love me.
773
00:34:06,435 --> 00:34:08,350
I love you, Matty.
774
00:34:09,395 --> 00:34:10,613
Ditto.
775
00:34:23,452 --> 00:34:26,064
Sounds like we all had
a shitty week, huh?
776
00:34:26,238 --> 00:34:27,543
Yeah.
777
00:34:27,761 --> 00:34:29,676
Hey, Blaire,
I'm really sorry about Sarah.
778
00:34:30,111 --> 00:34:31,156
Me, too.
779
00:34:31,373 --> 00:34:32,895
But, hey,
look on the bright side.
780
00:34:32,896 --> 00:34:35,073
Now you got more time
to get stoned with me and Teddy.
781
00:34:35,464 --> 00:34:39,077
I mean, I guess if Sarah
hadn't broken up with me,
782
00:34:39,251 --> 00:34:40,643
Matty never would have
opened up to Susan
783
00:34:40,861 --> 00:34:43,037
and she'd still be
drinking wine in bed,
784
00:34:43,211 --> 00:34:45,909
so, yeah,
maybe it was all worth it.
785
00:34:46,606 --> 00:34:50,175
Susan is the kindest,
most selfless person alive.
786
00:34:50,392 --> 00:34:51,872
And she deserves to be happy.
787
00:34:52,090 --> 00:34:53,395
Yeah, but you'd
still have a girlfriend
788
00:34:53,613 --> 00:34:55,397
if you'd just given me
and Johnny those beers.
789
00:34:55,615 --> 00:34:56,571
That's also true.
790
00:34:56,572 --> 00:34:58,096
I mean, if you got us, like,
791
00:34:58,313 --> 00:35:00,010
a bunch more beer, who knows?
792
00:35:00,185 --> 00:35:01,447
Maybe it'll cause
a chain of events
793
00:35:01,664 --> 00:35:03,405
that'll lead to
Sarah taking you back.
794
00:35:03,623 --> 00:35:04,927
Fair enough.
795
00:35:04,928 --> 00:35:08,106
It didn't.
It didn't help anything.
796
00:35:08,280 --> 00:35:10,107
Mildred, I love you!
797
00:35:16,897 --> 00:35:21,248
♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪
♪ Of someone dreadful ♪
798
00:35:21,249 --> 00:35:24,426
♪ And yet, alas ♪
♪ That someone adores you ♪
799
00:35:25,862 --> 00:35:29,735
♪ Everybody needs ♪
♪ A best friend ♪
800
00:35:29,736 --> 00:35:32,346
♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
801
00:35:32,347 --> 00:35:35,133
♪ I'm just a clown ♪
802
00:35:35,829 --> 00:35:38,440
♪ And I'll bring you down ♪
803
00:35:39,267 --> 00:35:41,138
♪ But you just don't care ♪
804
00:35:41,139 --> 00:35:43,837
♪ 'Cause your ♪
805
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:47,449
♪ Best friend is me ♪
52824
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