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South Park - Season 12 Episode 5
"Eek, a Penis!"
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It's like, my whole life has just
been one big screw-up, you know?
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00:00:39,591 --> 00:00:42,614
I admit it, I was sexually lost.
4
00:00:42,938 --> 00:00:45,138
And then I see this person on Oprah.
5
00:00:45,258 --> 00:00:48,293
She was a woman but then she got
a sex change, became a man, but...
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00:00:48,413 --> 00:00:50,130
then she got pregnant
and is having a baby,
7
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:52,595
which means she's
still a woman all along.
8
00:00:52,715 --> 00:00:55,027
That means I'm really
still a man, I'm...
9
00:00:55,147 --> 00:00:57,687
I still feel like a man.
10
00:00:58,073 --> 00:01:00,173
Are we gonna get tested on this?
11
00:01:00,384 --> 00:01:03,515
The sex change was a big mistake, okay?
12
00:01:04,839 --> 00:01:06,673
I was on a lot of
painkillers at the time
13
00:01:06,793 --> 00:01:08,793
and I thought it was what I wanted.
14
00:01:08,913 --> 00:01:10,844
Dude, wanna do some math problems?
15
00:01:10,964 --> 00:01:13,024
And then, I go to the doctor, right?
16
00:01:13,144 --> 00:01:16,358
And I say "Doctor, I wanna
go back to being a man," and he says
17
00:01:16,478 --> 00:01:19,384
"There's been too much damage.
You can't go back.
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Where are you going to find a penis?"
19
00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:24,260
Whattaya mean,
where am I gonna find a penis?
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I'm a man! I deserve a Goddamned penis!
21
00:01:31,832 --> 00:01:34,005
Mr. Gar- Mr. Garrison!
22
00:01:34,818 --> 00:01:37,050
Could we speak with you please?
23
00:01:38,083 --> 00:01:40,342
What do you want? I'm trying to teach.
24
00:01:40,462 --> 00:01:42,683
Uh, we think it's best you not teach
25
00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:45,153
until you get your personal
life in order, m'kay?
26
00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:49,437
Oh it's so easy for you, Mackey!
You have a penis!
27
00:01:49,873 --> 00:01:51,515
Okay students, um,
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00:01:51,635 --> 00:01:55,318
obviously we've had a little
emergency with your teacher, so uh,
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while we deal with this,
we need one of you to lead the class
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and review for tomorrow's quiz.
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Me! Me me! Me!
32
00:02:02,984 --> 00:02:04,750
Me! Right here! Right here!
33
00:02:04,870 --> 00:02:08,820
Who else would like to be
teacher for the day? Anybody else?
34
00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:12,836
Principal Victoria. Right over here.
35
00:02:13,464 --> 00:02:15,564
Any other volunteers, perhaps?
36
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Principal Victoria. Principal.
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00:02:19,814 --> 00:02:22,095
All right, all right, fine.
Eric, you lead the class.
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00:02:22,355 --> 00:02:23,399
Yes!
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00:02:23,519 --> 00:02:25,604
Now, just lead a review
over whatever Mr. Garrison's
40
00:02:25,724 --> 00:02:28,685
been teaching you, and I'll
be back to check on you shortly.
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00:02:31,743 --> 00:02:33,383
Well well well.
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00:02:34,286 --> 00:02:36,336
Who's teacher now?
43
00:02:37,298 --> 00:02:38,408
Yeah.
44
00:02:38,528 --> 00:02:41,567
- Who's teacher?
- You're not the teacher, fatass.
45
00:02:41,687 --> 00:02:43,460
That's Mr. Cartman now, Kyle!
46
00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:47,933
And you will be wise not to interrupt my
class unless you want to be suspended!
47
00:02:48,053 --> 00:02:49,053
Yeah.
48
00:02:50,548 --> 00:02:52,041
Yeah, you like that?
49
00:02:53,604 --> 00:02:56,354
All right, Clyde, you're first!
Get up here!
50
00:02:57,091 --> 00:02:59,391
Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde.
51
00:03:04,629 --> 00:03:07,271
And so it appears that
the local farmer's market
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00:03:07,391 --> 00:03:10,268
could be soon facing complete closure.
53
00:03:10,655 --> 00:03:14,770
In other news tonight, a South
Park bio company is coming under fire
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00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:18,944
for genetically engineering body
parts onto laboratory mice.
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This picture of a mouse genetically
altered to grow a human ear
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00:03:23,234 --> 00:03:25,998
has already sparked waves of protest.
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What?
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00:03:27,378 --> 00:03:30,689
But the scientists say the
process could help thousands of people
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who've become disfigured
and need ears or noses.
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00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:36,304
Holy Freaking Jesus.
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00:03:37,180 --> 00:03:38,505
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Using common genetics
and cartilage scaffolding,
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00:03:41,997 --> 00:03:45,620
we can graft almost any body part
onto a mouse and allow it to develop.
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Here's the mouse you saw on television.
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00:03:47,914 --> 00:03:51,699
Once the ear fully forms,
it can be transplanted onto a person.
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00:03:51,819 --> 00:03:53,834
Doctor, what about a penis?
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00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:58,476
Well, a penis is something
a man puts into a woman's vagina.
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00:03:58,596 --> 00:04:01,102
No, no. If I gave you some of my DNA,
69
00:04:01,222 --> 00:04:03,029
could you grow a penis
on a mouse for me?
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00:04:03,289 --> 00:04:06,235
You don't understand: doing
this stuff is very expensive.
71
00:04:06,355 --> 00:04:09,369
And we've never tried a penis before ;
there's no guarantee it would work.
72
00:04:09,629 --> 00:04:13,214
I will give you all the money
I have to just try. Please.
73
00:04:13,334 --> 00:04:16,918
Doctor, I'm a man trapped
in a woman's body. I need a penis.
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00:04:17,178 --> 00:04:20,378
All right. All right,
let's see what we can do.
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00:04:21,167 --> 00:04:25,093
Eric, we've called you in to commend
you for your role as student teacher.
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00:04:25,618 --> 00:04:29,082
Ey! Don't commend me! It's
the students'fault for being so stupid!
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00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:32,058
Uh, "commend" means you've
done a great job, Eric. Hm'kay?
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00:04:32,318 --> 00:04:34,313
After leading your class through review,
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00:04:34,433 --> 00:04:37,797
your schoolmates scored higher
than they ever had on their tests.
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00:04:37,917 --> 00:04:40,108
Whatever you did really worked on them.
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00:04:40,575 --> 00:04:41,918
Oh, well, thank you.
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00:04:42,038 --> 00:04:44,629
I believe strict discipline along
with compassion for my students
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is catamite to their learning.
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00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:48,263
These gentlemen from
the Denver County School Board
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have something they want to ask you.
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00:04:50,335 --> 00:04:52,604
Young man, word of your
success as a student teacher
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00:04:52,724 --> 00:04:54,377
has started the whole board thinking.
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00:04:54,497 --> 00:04:57,808
We would like you to try your methods
on one of our inner-city school classes.
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00:04:57,928 --> 00:05:01,012
These kids just won't listen
to any adult teachers and,
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00:05:01,132 --> 00:05:05,133
since you handled your class so well,
how would you like to give it a shot?
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00:05:05,393 --> 00:05:07,310
That sounds like a chance
to really make an impact
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00:05:07,430 --> 00:05:09,056
on some students who need it most.
93
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,638
How much will you pay me?
94
00:05:12,925 --> 00:05:15,664
Three hundred bucks!
Did you hear what I said, you guys?
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00:05:15,784 --> 00:05:18,962
My awesome teaching skill is
gonna earn me three. Hundred. Bucks.
96
00:05:19,082 --> 00:05:20,915
You're not an awesome teacher!
97
00:05:21,035 --> 00:05:23,821
Whatever. The class scored
super-high on the test.
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00:05:23,941 --> 00:05:25,981
The only reason we scored
high was because we took
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the answers out of Garrison's desk!
And you know it!
100
00:05:28,332 --> 00:05:31,534
Yes, but whose idea was it to take
the answers out of Garrison's desk?
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Kenny's!
102
00:05:32,989 --> 00:05:34,930
- (Yeah, that was my idea.)
- Oh yeah.
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00:05:35,050 --> 00:05:37,683
But whatever, I'm gonna go teach those
underprivileged inner-city students
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00:05:37,803 --> 00:05:39,756
and really turns their lives around.
105
00:05:39,876 --> 00:05:42,076
Do you know what those
kids are going to do to you?
106
00:05:42,196 --> 00:05:44,818
A little middle-class white
boy telling them what to do?
107
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They are going to fucking murder you!
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Maybe he's right.
I'd better be careful how I look.
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Students, quiet! Quiet please!
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Give me your attention!
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I'll give you my attention.
All night long, Mrs. Miller.
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You're on thin ice, Rodriguez!
Now listen up!
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The Denver County School Board
has sent over a special guest teacher.
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This may be your last shot
at graduating from high school at all!
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I want you to welcome... Eric Cartmanez
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Hello students.
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I'm Eric Cartmanez. Your new teacher.
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What the hell is this?
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00:07:03,636 --> 00:07:07,505
I am here... to teach you calculus.
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I think you're going to be very
pleased with the progress, Ms. Garrison.
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Mr. Garrison!
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Sorry, Mister Garrison.
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Your DNA has replicated and grafted
very successfully with the mouse.
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And so...
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here's your penis.
126
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My penis looks great!
127
00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:33,025
Yes. It's a fantastic penis.
Congratulations.
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How long before it's ready?
129
00:07:35,207 --> 00:07:38,119
Well, it still has some forming to do,
but fairly soon.
130
00:07:38,544 --> 00:07:40,787
Let me see if it feels right in my hand.
131
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No! Don't open the-
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Whoa no!
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Don't let it get out of the lab!
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My penis!
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Stop, penis! Come back here!
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00:07:58,605 --> 00:08:02,894
Okay, everyone take a sillibus
and pass it to the amigo behind you.
137
00:08:03,291 --> 00:08:06,272
Hey man, what the hell
do you think you're doing?
138
00:08:06,848 --> 00:08:09,734
Mr. Cartmanez is here to make
sure you all get into college.
139
00:08:09,994 --> 00:08:12,945
Getting into college? Man, we
ain't getting in no college! Fuck you!
140
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How do I reach these kids?
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00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:24,689
The reason that you think
you can't get into college
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is because you haven't been taught...
how to cheat properly!
143
00:08:28,220 --> 00:08:30,811
How do you think white
people always get ahead?
144
00:08:30,931 --> 00:08:34,967
Because we cheat all the time-
I mean because they cheat all the time.
145
00:08:37,048 --> 00:08:40,984
This is Bill Belichick,
coach of the New England Patriots.
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He's won three Super Bowls. How?
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He cheated.
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He even got caught cheating,
and nobody cared.
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Bill Belichick proved that
in America it's okay to cheat.
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As long as you cheat
your way to the top.
151
00:08:54,268 --> 00:08:56,114
Hey, I don't wanna be called a cheater!
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00:08:56,374 --> 00:08:59,874
No no. If you cheat and fail,
you're a cheater.
153
00:09:00,118 --> 00:09:03,454
If you cheat and succeed, you're savvy.
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00:09:03,714 --> 00:09:07,375
This is bullshit. I don't wanna
waste my time learning to cheat.
155
00:09:07,846 --> 00:09:11,295
Go ahead, the door's right there.
Bye-bye, have fun, we will miss you.
156
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How do I reach these kids?
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Boys!
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Boys, have you seen my penis?
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00:09:26,975 --> 00:09:29,451
- What?
- My penis is on the loose!
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If you see it, just try
to catch it with some cheese.
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That hurt my brain.
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00:09:48,353 --> 00:09:49,584
Nice form, compadre.
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00:09:50,183 --> 00:09:52,531
Hey, I walked out of your class,
teacher.
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Look, I don't wanna argue with
you about the merits of cheating.
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00:09:55,475 --> 00:09:57,535
Who wants to argue
on a nice day like this?
166
00:09:57,655 --> 00:09:59,705
How about a little pickup game?
167
00:09:59,928 --> 00:10:00,928
Hey, paisano.
168
00:10:01,458 --> 00:10:04,682
- Can you keep score for us?
- Sure thing, Mr. C.
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00:10:05,383 --> 00:10:07,633
Okay, you start on defense, amigo.
170
00:10:14,775 --> 00:10:16,925
Oh, that's one to nothing, amigo!
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00:10:17,307 --> 00:10:19,868
- You cheated!
- What's the score, ese?
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00:10:19,988 --> 00:10:21,788
Okay, let's go, your turn.
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00:10:28,232 --> 00:10:30,200
That's two to nothing, amigo.
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00:10:30,476 --> 00:10:32,600
Fuck you, man, you can't do that!
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00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:35,120
Look at the scoreboard, amigo.
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00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:37,879
No matter how many
times you say I cheated,
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00:10:37,999 --> 00:10:40,635
the scoreboard says two, nothing.
178
00:10:41,325 --> 00:10:45,425
I know what you're trying to say,
but I still don't agree with it.
179
00:10:46,516 --> 00:10:48,016
Two to nothing, ese!
180
00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:49,894
Two to nothing!
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00:10:51,739 --> 00:10:54,005
How do I reach these kids?
182
00:11:00,331 --> 00:11:01,739
What is that?
183
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:15,483
- Steven! Steven come quick!
- What is it, dear?
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00:11:15,603 --> 00:11:17,753
A penis is loose in our kitchen!
185
00:11:18,241 --> 00:11:21,259
- A penis?
- Yes! It just ran across the floor!
186
00:11:21,669 --> 00:11:23,319
Now darling, calm down.
187
00:11:23,661 --> 00:11:27,166
Calm down nothing! I don't want
that penis running through my house!
188
00:11:27,286 --> 00:11:30,159
Ho, women. Always afraid of penises.
189
00:11:34,012 --> 00:11:37,316
- There! There, you see it?
- Oh, it's just a little penis, darling.
190
00:11:37,656 --> 00:11:40,111
I don't care. It's probably
got all kinds of diseases.
191
00:11:41,912 --> 00:11:43,965
Hey wait! I think
that's teacher's penis!
192
00:11:44,085 --> 00:11:46,617
- Your teacher's penis?
- Yeah, that must be his.
193
00:11:46,877 --> 00:11:50,593
Butters, how do you know what
your teacher's penis looks like?
194
00:11:51,007 --> 00:11:52,007
Huh?
195
00:11:53,159 --> 00:11:55,793
Today we will discuss one
of the fundamental ways to cheat:
196
00:11:56,206 --> 00:11:58,212
getting material ahead of time.
197
00:11:58,472 --> 00:12:01,294
When Bill Belichick cheated
for the Patriots, what did he do?
198
00:12:01,414 --> 00:12:04,454
He videotaped the
opposing team's defense.
199
00:12:04,574 --> 00:12:06,782
Think of the defense as your test.
200
00:12:06,902 --> 00:12:10,473
When taking a test you
must also videotape the defense
201
00:12:10,985 --> 00:12:13,820
Learn what's on the test
before they give it to you.
202
00:12:13,940 --> 00:12:15,187
And that way you can-
203
00:12:17,994 --> 00:12:21,294
I thought that...
well maybe I can give cheating a try.
204
00:12:22,356 --> 00:12:23,676
Have a seat, amigo.
205
00:12:23,796 --> 00:12:25,323
Good to have you back.
206
00:12:26,173 --> 00:12:29,623
All right. Now, when Bill Belichick
got caught with his camera,
207
00:12:29,743 --> 00:12:30,761
he did not panic.
208
00:12:30,881 --> 00:12:33,387
He simply said what every
good white cheater says when caught:
209
00:12:33,507 --> 00:12:35,666
"I mis-interpreted the rules."
210
00:12:36,435 --> 00:12:38,360
It's what you must also
say when caught cheating!
211
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,145
"I mis-interpreted the rules."
212
00:12:40,265 --> 00:12:42,836
- Say it with me.
- "I mis-interpreted the rules."
213
00:12:42,956 --> 00:12:45,633
- Good. Again.
- "I mis-interpreted the rules."
214
00:12:45,753 --> 00:12:48,429
- Again!
- "I mis-interpreted the rules."
215
00:12:48,689 --> 00:12:52,350
- Now you sound like white people!
- "I mis-interpreted the rules!"
216
00:12:53,157 --> 00:12:57,023
What the hell do you mean
you just put my penis outside?
217
00:12:57,143 --> 00:12:58,616
Why didn't you call me?
218
00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:02,394
Look Garrison, my wife didn't want a
penis in the house. I had to get it out.
219
00:13:02,514 --> 00:13:06,114
Well now how am I supposed to find it?
It could be anywhere!
220
00:13:08,618 --> 00:13:09,867
Holy Crap!
221
00:13:12,801 --> 00:13:14,438
Carole, get down from there!
222
00:13:14,558 --> 00:13:17,258
No Didn't you see that penis just now?
223
00:13:18,349 --> 00:13:22,149
I'm sure that penis is way
more scared of you than you are of it.
224
00:13:22,412 --> 00:13:23,923
You saw a penis?
225
00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:28,931
Oh, it's so big and disgusting!
226
00:13:35,263 --> 00:13:37,112
Come back here, penis!
227
00:13:38,907 --> 00:13:40,773
There you are! Got you!
228
00:13:43,935 --> 00:13:46,512
Hey, you're not my penis.
229
00:13:49,877 --> 00:13:51,777
Oh! There it goes! Stop you!
230
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:56,216
The answer to #27 is 5.
231
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:59,462
"The answer to #27 is 5."
232
00:13:59,582 --> 00:14:02,311
The answer to #28 is 14.
233
00:14:02,431 --> 00:14:05,131
"The answer to #28 is 14."
234
00:14:05,464 --> 00:14:07,064
Man, what's the point?
235
00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:09,414
What's the point of any of this?
236
00:14:12,056 --> 00:14:14,823
All right, everyone review
the section on sportscasters
237
00:14:14,943 --> 00:14:16,688
forgiving the Patriots for cheating
and saying it was no big deal.
238
00:14:16,808 --> 00:14:18,018
I'll be right back.
239
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,630
Melita! Melita, hold on.
240
00:14:22,834 --> 00:14:25,658
You can't quit now.
Come on, what's wrong with you?
241
00:14:25,778 --> 00:14:27,878
There isn't any point to all this.
242
00:14:27,998 --> 00:14:29,613
I won't be going to college.
243
00:14:30,288 --> 00:14:32,188
I'm pregnant, all right?
244
00:14:32,751 --> 00:14:36,503
I just found out, and Eduardo
isn't going to help me raise it.
245
00:14:37,518 --> 00:14:39,905
How do I reach these kids?
246
00:14:41,127 --> 00:14:43,122
All right, let's go get you an abortion.
247
00:14:43,242 --> 00:14:46,714
No. I'm Catholic.
I think abortion is wrong.
248
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:50,384
Abortion isn't wrong! What's
the one thing I've been teaching you?
249
00:14:51,375 --> 00:14:53,898
- That cheating is good?
- Yes!
250
00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:56,291
And abortion is the
ultimate form of cheating!
251
00:14:56,411 --> 00:14:58,761
You're cheating nature itself.
252
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,367
Why do rich white
girls get ahead in life?
253
00:15:01,487 --> 00:15:03,554
Because they get abortions
when they're young.
254
00:15:03,674 --> 00:15:06,503
They get pregnant, but they still
want to go to college, so, whatever,
255
00:15:06,623 --> 00:15:07,694
they just cheat.
256
00:15:07,814 --> 00:15:11,849
They cheat that little critter in their
belly right out of a chance at life.
257
00:15:11,969 --> 00:15:13,537
I don't know, Mr. C.
258
00:15:13,657 --> 00:15:15,493
Mexicans are told not to cheat.
259
00:15:15,613 --> 00:15:18,300
"Don't cheat! You got pregnant?
You have to raise the child."
260
00:15:18,420 --> 00:15:19,797
So then you have to raise the child
261
00:15:19,917 --> 00:15:21,072
while the white girls
get to go to college
262
00:15:21,192 --> 00:15:23,792
and probably have
a bunch more abortions.
263
00:15:24,741 --> 00:15:26,991
It is at our most challenging times
264
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:29,954
that we must cheat... our very hardest.
265
00:15:33,173 --> 00:15:36,180
And the last time you saw
your penis was two days ago?
266
00:15:36,696 --> 00:15:37,696
That's right.
267
00:15:37,816 --> 00:15:41,560
- Long whiskers or short?
- Short, and little fluffy ears.
268
00:15:41,820 --> 00:15:43,589
Fluffy ears, okay.
269
00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:45,653
- Think you got it, Mitch?
- I think so, sir.
270
00:15:45,773 --> 00:15:47,525
Is this pretty close?
271
00:15:51,072 --> 00:15:53,198
No, no, not like that!
272
00:15:53,318 --> 00:15:54,658
That's just silly.
273
00:15:54,778 --> 00:15:57,910
Sir, we might wanna get a unit down
to the Italian restaurant on Kentner.
274
00:15:58,170 --> 00:16:00,140
- What is it?
- Call just came through.
275
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:02,583
Seems a penis broke in
and tried to eat their cheese.
276
00:16:02,703 --> 00:16:03,856
Well come on!
277
00:16:11,874 --> 00:16:13,926
- What's the matter?
- A penis!
278
00:16:14,513 --> 00:16:15,844
A penis? Where?
279
00:16:16,345 --> 00:16:17,445
There it is!
280
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:26,434
- Where is it?
- Look, there!
281
00:16:27,799 --> 00:16:28,799
Come on!
282
00:16:29,827 --> 00:16:32,670
What's a that penis
doing ina my kitchen?
283
00:16:33,570 --> 00:16:36,240
Hey! Don't you dare kill my penis!
284
00:16:37,793 --> 00:16:40,077
Crap! We've gotta go back around!
285
00:16:51,264 --> 00:16:53,564
Someone
286
00:16:53,684 --> 00:16:55,960
Somewhere
287
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:59,471
Is loving me tonight
288
00:16:59,731 --> 00:17:03,092
Looking at the same moon
289
00:17:03,212 --> 00:17:06,507
And seeing it so bright
290
00:17:06,627 --> 00:17:10,074
Someone, somewhere
291
00:17:10,194 --> 00:17:13,777
Is feeling my despair
292
00:17:13,897 --> 00:17:17,250
And this same moon is
making them think of the-
293
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,470
There it is!
294
00:17:24,042 --> 00:17:25,253
No! No!
295
00:17:25,373 --> 00:17:26,373
No!
296
00:17:26,650 --> 00:17:27,650
No!
297
00:17:28,544 --> 00:17:30,189
There's not a chance now.
298
00:17:30,309 --> 00:17:32,130
No we, we can find it!
299
00:17:32,250 --> 00:17:35,025
Sorry Garrison, your penis is gone.
300
00:17:35,832 --> 00:17:37,804
Afraid there's nothing more we can do.
301
00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:40,324
You'll just have to
live with being a woman.
302
00:17:40,444 --> 00:17:42,794
A very ugly one. Come on, men.
303
00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:49,229
Students, I want to congratulate
you on your amazing test scores.
304
00:17:49,585 --> 00:17:52,462
The school board is so
impressed with your progress
305
00:17:52,582 --> 00:17:54,604
that they are going to let you take
306
00:17:54,724 --> 00:17:58,364
the standardized advanced
placement test for college credit.
307
00:18:00,584 --> 00:18:02,302
The test is going
to be heavily monitored
308
00:18:02,422 --> 00:18:04,272
in a private room at their location
309
00:18:04,392 --> 00:18:07,690
to assure that there
can be absolutely no cheating.
310
00:18:08,722 --> 00:18:09,722
Uh what?
311
00:18:09,842 --> 00:18:12,836
The test will be tomorrow.
Make us proud.
312
00:18:14,990 --> 00:18:17,039
Monitor us in a private room?
313
00:18:17,159 --> 00:18:19,426
Now they're gonna know
we've been cheating all along.
314
00:18:19,686 --> 00:18:21,191
I knew it man!
315
00:18:21,311 --> 00:18:24,056
You made us believe in your
way and now it's all for nothing!
316
00:18:24,316 --> 00:18:25,348
It's not for nothing.
317
00:18:25,468 --> 00:18:27,101
If you're good enough,
you can cheat right in front of them.
318
00:18:27,361 --> 00:18:29,645
Shut up, man! You really screwed us all!
319
00:18:30,008 --> 00:18:33,107
How do I reach these kids?
320
00:18:36,166 --> 00:18:38,021
Just before the last Super Bowl,
321
00:18:38,141 --> 00:18:40,842
Bill Belichick gathered
his football players and said,
322
00:18:40,962 --> 00:18:44,658
"Let's win this one for real.
Just this one time."
323
00:18:44,778 --> 00:18:47,538
"Let's not cheat."
You know what happened?
324
00:18:47,798 --> 00:18:48,948
They lost.
325
00:18:50,175 --> 00:18:52,993
Even if you feel all eyes are upon you,
326
00:18:53,113 --> 00:18:55,563
you cannot give up on cheating!
327
00:18:55,939 --> 00:18:59,341
Or else you can lose the
biggest game of your lives.
328
00:18:59,895 --> 00:19:01,927
Yeah, come on, we can do this, guys.
329
00:19:02,953 --> 00:19:05,918
You are the true dreamers.
Tomorrow you will prove it.
330
00:19:06,038 --> 00:19:07,927
We will begin by reviewing
how to print out cheat sheets
331
00:19:08,047 --> 00:19:10,227
as labels for your bottled water.
332
00:19:16,785 --> 00:19:19,135
You did this to yourself, Garrison.
333
00:19:20,126 --> 00:19:23,076
Get your hopes up with
a stupid genetic experiment
334
00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:26,346
and now all your money's
gone along with your penis.
335
00:19:32,108 --> 00:19:33,308
Well what the?
336
00:19:37,925 --> 00:19:38,925
Why...
337
00:19:39,398 --> 00:19:40,948
It's my penis.
338
00:19:42,984 --> 00:19:44,614
My penis came back.
339
00:19:45,111 --> 00:19:46,361
But why?
340
00:19:51,420 --> 00:19:54,354
I guess it's true.
What's that old saying?
341
00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:58,178
"If you love your penis, let it go..."
342
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:03,940
The standardized advanced
placement test
343
00:20:04,060 --> 00:20:05,904
is considered one of the most difficult
344
00:20:06,024 --> 00:20:08,827
and carefully monitored
tests in the country.
345
00:20:09,087 --> 00:20:11,190
Twenty-four of our
students took the test
346
00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:15,417
and all twenty-four scored 100%
347
00:20:18,699 --> 00:20:21,368
- Uh, can we say something?
- Sure.
348
00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:23,849
We would like to present
this plaque to the person
349
00:20:23,969 --> 00:20:26,242
who taught us the White People Method.
350
00:20:26,362 --> 00:20:27,846
Mr. Cartmanez!
351
00:20:39,993 --> 00:20:43,118
I reached these kids.
352
00:20:45,726 --> 00:20:47,426
Students and faculty,
353
00:20:47,546 --> 00:20:51,356
please put your hands together
and help me in welcoming back,
354
00:20:51,476 --> 00:20:53,199
Mister Garrison.
355
00:20:59,571 --> 00:21:02,381
Thanks everyone. It's great to be back.
356
00:21:02,879 --> 00:21:04,530
I'm a man again.
357
00:21:04,650 --> 00:21:07,081
Thanks to my very special new friend.
358
00:21:09,779 --> 00:21:10,951
But you know,
359
00:21:11,071 --> 00:21:14,235
I've learned that I've
really been a dude all along.
360
00:21:14,764 --> 00:21:17,372
Because the key difference
between men and women
361
00:21:17,492 --> 00:21:20,117
is that women can have babies.
362
00:21:20,237 --> 00:21:23,987
If you can't have babies,
then, you're a man.
363
00:21:24,926 --> 00:21:26,758
Whoa uh wait, uh, hang on a second.
364
00:21:26,878 --> 00:21:28,739
My wife had ovarian cancer,
365
00:21:28,859 --> 00:21:30,784
so she can't have babies.
366
00:21:31,514 --> 00:21:35,455
Well then get an AIDS test, Thompson,
'cause your wife's a dude, faggot!
367
00:21:37,836 --> 00:21:39,686
Yeah! I'm back!
368
00:21:41,054 --> 00:21:44,808
SouthParkNews.net / SouthPark-TV.com
Transcript: SPScriptorium.com
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