Original subtitles

Are you fucking kidding me?

There's no money in the box.

You told me you'd pay me $50 ,000 if I kill Steve Austin and Jamie Summers.

something came up. I was not able to get money.

If you try and fuck me on this, I'll make your life so miserable you wish you

were never born.

Is that right?

It will be if you don't get...

I'll make woman and six million dollar man.

Oh, don't worry. I'll kill them.

You just do your job and I'll do mine.

I gotta go kick out the trash.

It's stinking up my trunk.

Alright, sweetheart.

Time to die.

Good night, Princess.

Steve Austin, astronaut.

Jamie Summers, teacher.

Both barely alive.

Gentlemen, we can rebuild them.

We have the technology.

We have the capability to make the first bionic human.

We can make them better, stronger, faster.

She will be the perfect bionic woman.

She will be the first $6 million man.

Oh, yeah, you're going to fuck me back?

Oh, yeah, fuck me back.

Uh -huh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, make me titties. Oh, fuck you.

Hello?

Hi, Jamie.

Hey, Oscar.

Listen.

Steve and I want to come over there immediately and talk to you about what

just saw.

Can we come over? I can't wait about 45 minutes. I'm really busy right now.

Fine. See you in 45.

That was Oscar and Colonel Austin. They're going to be coming over in about

minutes. We have to make this short.

No problem.

Okay, fuck me a little while longer, though.

Go in that pussy.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. You're gonna fuck me back.

Let me combine.

be here any minute.

Jamie, I can't find the bottle opener. Could you?

Sure, Oscar. I'll open it for you.

Thank you.

Listen, Jamie, I know you've been planning your vacation for months now,

with this murder and the death threats...

The OSI really needs you.

Oscar, come on. Can't you find another agent? I can't think of anybody that has

your looks and your bionic strength.

And besides, I think one of the new female trainees just might be a spy.

A spy?

We've been infiltrated by the Russians.

The Russians?

We beat them at hockey, so we're going to beat them at this. But we need you.

I know inside you're just transistors and wires, but outside you are such a

beautiful girl.

So, you're just going to have to postpone your vacation. That's all there

it.

Oh, look, here's Steve coming now.

I got here as quick as I could.

We already have one dead girl, so hopefully you can convince Jamie that

the one person for this mission.

Hey, wait a minute. What about me?

I'm bionic, too.

Yes, of course you are.

And you cost the nation $6 million, when $6 million sounded expensive.

Come on, guys. I'm serious.

Look, we're serious, too. That's why we need you to go infiltrate this new group

of female agent trainees.

Why can't we just run a more extensive background check?

We have done all the fact -checking we can do, and we have uncovered absolutely

nothing.

That is why we need you to get up close and personal with these beautiful girls

and find out which one's the spy.

We must stop their plan.

What exactly is their plan?

I have no idea.

But the last word out of that girl's mouth before she died was something

the police, so we may have a bad cop here.

Anybody hungry? I'm going to go over to Arby's and get one of those really nice

roast beef sandwiches. It's three for five dollars now.

I have a dinner date.

Okay, well, I'll see you tomorrow at headquarters.

Oh, by the way, we think the spy might have some really advanced bionic

technology far ahead of where you currently are.

Have a nice day.

Well, that's wonderful.

Thank you, Oscar, for leaving on such a bummer note.

Now what are we going to do?

I have to change clothes and get ready for my date. So don't peek.

Look, it's not like I haven't seen you naked before. Don't forget we used to be

happily married.

Steve, this is not fair.

What if you planned a seven -day carnival cruise and they dropped this

you?

I've had a lot worse dropped on me before.

Back when I was in Nam, when I was shot down over the Mekong Delta, I was

surrounded by Vietcong.

Were you scared?

Fuck yeah, I was scared.

Both my arms and legs were broke. I thought I was gonna die.

What did you do?

Well... After I pissed my pants, I took out two sticks of dynamite. Then I set

them right next to my parachute.

Then I tied an ignition fuse to them. And then when those slimy -eyed bastards

got close, BAM! I detonated it.

And then you were safe?

Not exactly.

The fuse was wet and wouldn't light because I just pissed my pants.

So what happened?

Well, my buddy and an F -4 Phantom flew across the sky and dropped a shitload of

napalm on me.

But, since you sucked at math, and you've been drinking, it kind of hit me

So I had these tattoos to cover up the burn scars.

Then you were rescued? Don't peek.

No, actually I was taken prisoner.

But three weeks later, I escaped, became an astronaut, walked on the moon, then

had a big parade.

Speaking of the moon, I heard it's going to be full tonight.

Well, that moon's looking pretty full now.

God, I miss those full moons.

I miss those big, creamy, full moons.

And the sexy, deep craters.

And the hot cracks.

And the perky tits.

Steve, you cheated. I told you not to look.

Look, I'm sorry. It's been a stressful week, okay?

Besides, I could use some relief over here.

Listen, after we got our divorce, I told you that we were going to be seeing

other people.

It's just not a good idea if I give you any pussy right now.

But what kind of host would I be if I didn't at least jerk you off?

Oh, yeah, I do.

Mm -hmm.

God, I love it when you use your blanket arm.

So,

what time's your day going to be here?

Like 30 minutes.

I better hurry up then.

You could have told me you had a bionic cock.

Well, I had the doctor install that a couple of weeks ago.

You might want to let a girl know the next time.

Look, I'm sorry, but you really look good tonight.

Seriously, Steve?

With cum on my face?

Especially with cum on your face.

Aw, you're not getting sweet on me again, are you?

No, but would you mind showing me your pussy again for old time's sake? You

know, before I leave.

You're going to get me in trouble, mister.

that you just shot that big load all over my face.

Oh, show it to me. Mm -hmm.

Yeah, put my panties on.

Oh, yeah, I'll spread my legs for you.

Oh, yeah, I'll rub my foot on your cock like that while I play with my pussy.

Just think of all the things that could go inside this pussy.

Mm -hmm.

All that cum.

Mm, shooting it deep inside there.

just like this.

Oh, who knows what gets inserted right inside that pussy.

Mm, yeah, gripping my fingers around it.

Mm, wanting to milk it so bad.

Mm -hmm.

Mm, my pussy tastes so good.

Oh, I'd love to have a hot load of cum in there and then put my fingers in

there. Oh, yeah, I feel...

Hello, Jamie.

Captain Jennings.

Well, isn't this awkward?

What the hell's going on here?

It's nothing. I'm just warming her up for you, buddy.

Actually, the colonel was just leaving.

Colonel Austin is nothing but an old relic.

What? Old relic?

I'll show you.

Steve, don't hurt him.

I'll have to show you guys another time.

Oh, my spine's not bionic.

Oh, Steve, we've been analyzing the data.

I'm gonna need to have you seduce all the new trainees.

That's a really rough job, huh?

Seduce the new trainees? Are you serious?

The OSI happens to think that Steve can use his considerable charm and charisma

to help you uncover those spies.

Besides, come on, look at him.

He is absolutely loaded with sex appeal.

Sex appeal?

He's insane. You should have seen him last night.

Sure, he looks good now with all those bionic makeovers and facelifts, but he's

like, what, 70 years old now?

Hey, wait a minute. You're no spring chicken yourself.

In fact, what happened after Oscar left last night? There was no complaints

about you playing with my bionic cock.

All right, you two, knock it off. That's the mission.

Come on, Jamie.

Can't you see that Steve's still in love with you?

Besides, he has advanced hypnotic training. With those electronic diodes

eyes, he's going to be able to hypnotize any girl.

I hypnotized you yesterday.

You did no such thing.

Plus, that cop from Avery is going to cause us some problems.

The antiquated state laws here give him full jurisdiction, and that is a really

big problem for OSI.

And if he's taking money from the Russians, we have got our hands full.

Wait a minute, not Officer Kennedy.

Give me a break. He's about as dangerous as Barney Fipe.

The sensory mechanism on her arm seems to be working now, Doctor.

Oh, and Jamie, we're going to have to have you pretend like you have the hots

for Colonel Austin here, just to make the other girls a little envious of the

relationship, okay?

The hots?

We're a top government agency, and this is the best plan we've come up with?

Uh, Steve, there's a cute little blonde in the training room. Name's Candy.

Go in there and splash on your considerable charm.

Fire that up. She's a Russian.

Your country depends on you.

Oh, and by the way, Jamie, Steve's in charge. Do everything he says.

Well, maybe when you're done here, you can come with me and help me put my

cologne on.

I can't believe that Oscar actually told you that I was still in love with you.

Well, are you?

No.

Don't be preposterous.

Okay, well, sit up straight, and we're going to monitor your heart rate for

about five miles.

I'm also going to have to monitor your hormonal secretions, so I'm going to

to insert a tube in your vagina.

Plus, I've got a protein suppository for you. I'm going to have to insert it in

your rectum.

Please remove your shorts Please

turn around

What's a nice young girl like you doing in a place like this?

Wow.

Colonel Austin, it's a pleasure to meet you.

I'm Candy.

Who's she?

Oh, her. She's just another agent. I think she has a thing for me.

It's quite sad. Follows me around just like a little puppy dog.

Listen, I'd like to spend more time with the training and getting to know you a

little bit better.

Electronic diodes in his eyes are going to allow him... hypnotized any girl.

Candy.

Wow, Colonel Austin. I never noticed how handsome and muscular you were.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm sorry, Colonel. I don't know what came over me.

Yeah, of course. Just don't ever let it happen again.

No. Ever.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes.

Could you cover your eyes this time?

Wow.

You really are attractive.

And I'd love spending more time with you.

But...

Can you get rid of her?

Oh, Agent Summers, could you do me a small favor? Can you run to Taco Bell

get us some lunch?

Candy? Would you like something to eat?

Sure.

I'll take two chimichangas, a Mexican pizza, and two Diet Pepsis.

You're going to pay for this. You're really going to pay.

Of course I'm going to pay for it. It's on the 99 -cent menu.

So, tell me a little bit more about yourself.

Wow. It's getting hot in here.

Well, I'm 22.

I was captain of the cheerleading squad. I performed in school plays. I love

watching graphic hardcore pornography.

I get off to gay guys fucking doggy style, and I'm incredibly attracted to

I'm going to do anything you told me to.

Anything? I can't believe this shit really works. Oh, trust me, it works.

What are you guys talking about?

Nothing. Look, I want you to make love to Dr. Favre here.

While I watch, of course. I would do you myself, but I got jerked off last

night, and I can only come once every 24 hours.

Wow, that's sad.

We'll have to work on that one.

So, Doctor, what did you say your name was?

Dr. Favre.

Brett Favre.

What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?

He's in town to play the dolphins, you dumbass.

Don't you just love something about Mary?

I love Cockmoor.

I can't believe that cop pulled me over for speeding when I went to go get your

lunch. Well, he didn't write you a ticket, so maybe he has a crush on you.

Steve, are you still jealous about my day with Brandon Jennings?

Jealous? He's not even bionic.

He sure felt bionic in bed.

Steve, not here.

Ladies, as we move forward with the training program, you'll have an

to work closely with Colonel Austin.

He is our top agent, an American hero, and you're going to learn quite a bit

from him.

Why don't you tell us a little bit more about yourselves?

Well, I'm Candy.

I'm 22.

I'm from Northern California, and I play tennis.

I also have a master's degree in advanced mathematics from MIT.

and I was named to the President's Committee on Science and Math.

I'm also a 6th degree black belt in karate, and I do Muay Thai fighting as a

hobby.

I thought you were a cheerleader.

I'm Amanda, and before joining the Navy, I was Miss Texas.

I served three tours in Iraq as a fighter pilot.

I was with the 6th Squadron on board the USS Nimitz, based off the coast of

Saudi Arabia.

After 35 sorties in Afghanistan, I was shot down.

I walked 100 miles through the mountains and desert and killed 200 Taliban

fighters with my bare hands.

And then I rejoined my unit.

I'm proficient in five languages, including Farsi, French, Ebonics, and

So you're a slacker.

Russian? How interesting.

Didn't you say you were Miss Texas?

Colonel Austin. I find it much more interesting discussing her linguistic

capabilities.

Oh, yes.

So, tell us about your linguistic capabilities.

Specifically Russian.

Well, I train with Russian fighter pilots in the Gulf of Oman and speak

Russian.

Colonel Austin, why don't you take trainee Amanda into the training room

show her some advanced survival skills.

Well, Oscar, after wiping out the entire Taliban, I don't think she needs to

learn any more survival skills, but I'll give it a whirl.

In the meantime, how about the rest of us go on out to the firing range and

practice up some marksmanship and gun safety?

Oops.

I love guns.

Duh.

Duh.

So what did you find out?

They suspect one of the trainees is a spy.

Well, did you get his secret code?

No, I didn't get codes and I couldn't deliver money to Officer Kennedy.

Don't worry. If you can't do it, I will.

Before I'm done, six million dollar man will be hunk of junk.

What about bionic woman?

I will take care of her too.

With name like Khrushchev, I cannot believe they not suspect you for spy.

Yes, but in America, it's illegal to profile based on name, ethnic

religion, or circumstance.

You're so American, Kelly.

I need you. Come to me, Kelly. Are you crazy?

We could get caught.

No, they want to back her out. They're not shooting range.

I need you. I love you like back in homeland.

Suck my sikorsky, Kelly.

Fuck, Bruce Jeff.

I forget you suck cock like champion.

I like that so fucking much.

You're beautiful.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, shit.

I have to go.

But you're not come yet.

Don't worry.

I fuck flashlight.

Flashlight? What's a flashlight?

Oh, it's genius. It's like pocket pussy, but better than real thing.

Put the cap on and fuck you.

Better than my pussy?

I got to go.

All right, all right.

Now, I'm assuming you already know the basics.

You know, what to do in case you're attacked.

Colonel Austin, I could break your bones in 17 different places before you even

knew I violated you.

You're right.

Violate me?

Oh, shit, I think I'm getting a boner.

Oh, Austin, you do have a big cock.

Well, it is bionic.

I'm ready for my training session.

Excellent, excellent.

Commander Wilson, can I ask you a question?

Anything you want.

Um, I saw Khrushchev giving you a blowjob.

Well, that's impossible. Khrushchev has been dead for years.

No, I saw Kelly Khrushchev, and she was sucking your dick and licking your balls

and jerking your shirt.

I have to admit, I got pretty turned on by it.

I think you have me confused with somebody else.

Listen, I don't want to get any further behind the other trainees.

Obviously, they're doing what they have to do.

So if I need to lick your balls to get ahead, then...

Please don't stop me.

Your ambition is overwhelming. I would never stand in your way of getting

How about dinner tonight?

Jamie's having some people over, and I'd love it if you were there.

Okay.

On second thought, there really is no reason for me to hinder your progress in

any way, so if you think that'll help you get ahead, I'll let you suck my

Thank you.

Oh, it's gonna get dirty.

Oh, shit.

Oh,

you

are getting ahead fast.

What a treat.

That's good.

Oh, shit.

Oh, that's fucking nice.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, a little faster, Trini Jones.

Like that?

Yeah. Like that, Commander Wilson? Oh, that's right. Oh, shit.

Oh, don't stop and tease.

Oh, fuck, that's good.

Is that what the commander likes?

That is exactly what the commander likes.

Oh, fuck.

Jerk it right across your tongue

Oh.

Jamie, dinner was fabulous, and the chicken Kiev, stunning.

Why, thank you, Oscar.

I've never heard of chicken Kiev before, but it was delicious.

I guess we know she's not the Russian spy, huh?

So, who wants to go outside and play croquet?

That sounds like tons of fun.

Do you mind if I stay and talk to Trani Jones for a few minutes?

Yeah.

Last one out to Rotten Egg.

Watch how the girls hold their croquet mallets. In Russia, they hold them

different than they do in the good old U .S. of A.

Trini Jones, if you want to keep up with the rest of the cadets, you're going to

have to take your pants off.

Whatever you say.

Oh, fucking right.

Much, much better.

Oh, fuck.

Oh,

that's nice.

Oh, I like that little hand thing.

Mm -hmm.

Mm

-hmm.

Do you want me now?

Well, first we should probably get this off you.

Yeah.

And now, if I'd be so bold as to turn you this way and bend you over that way,

then I could do right out that.

Yeah.

Oh, baby.

Oh.

It's a little sensitive at the moment. What happened? It's sensitive.

Oh, my word.

Oh, shit.

Commander Wilson is done.

You're out, Commander.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, maybe not.

I feel life coming back into me.

Oh, my gosh. Did you guys notice the way Amanda held her croquet mallet? Yep.

Just like a Russian.

So she's the spy.

Wait, not so fast. We have to be 100 % certain.

Jamie's right.

Wait a minute. You know what?

I'm almost embarrassed to admit this.

You know what we just did?

It's called profiling. And that, my friends, is against the law.

Steve is right.

We made her a suspect just because of the way she held a croquet mallet.

Yeah, but if it gets us closer to catching the spy, then that's a good

right? Just like Arizona, where it's against the law to suspect a Mexican

immigrant of being an illegal alien just because they don't have a driver's

license or a passport or a job or they don't speak any English. We can't use

that as evidence.

Are you guys crazy? Fuck this politically correct bullshit.

Okay, now, I didn't want to bring this up, but back when I was in college, I

a roommate that was Russian. And when they have sex, they make crazy noises.

Oh, come on, Jamie.

That's crazy.

No, it's true.

When they're about to come, they make a sound like... That

was quite the turnoff.

Steve? Huh?

Jamie's right.

We are going to have to profile...

For the good of the country.

Fuck the Constitution.

You're going to have to have intercourse with all of the new trainees.

All of them?

That's right. You heard Oscar.

All of them.

Listen, you guys. I can't believe I'm saying this, but forget all the other

girls. Why not just fuck the girl that held the croquet mallet like a Ruski?

Yeah, except little Kelly Khrushchev held the croquet mallet like a Russian,

too.

I'll start with the blonde and work my way up to crew chef.

Officer Kennedy's pulling up.

I wonder what he wants.

There's growing evidence that Kennedy's involved in this spy scandal.

OSI intercepted some phone conversations. We can't really tell if

or not.

Here is the down payment.

The rest of the money will be delivered next week.

It looks like cruise ship is talking to Kennedy.

If you think I'm waiting another week for money that was due to me days ago,

you're out of your crazy fucking Russian mind.

But you have no other choice.

The hell I don't. I could run all of you Russians in and become a big American

hero.

But I won't if you're willing to play along.

What's his play along?

You're going to have sex with me.

Why would I want to have sex with you?

Because if you don't, you'll be arrested so fast your head will spin.

Okay, okay.

I'll have sex with you. Kennedy, you don't need to do this.

Meet me at the 7 Mile Market by the Briggs Farm.

20 minutes.

This isn't necessary, Kennedy.

You'll get your fucking money.

Once you killed Jamie Summers and Steve Austin, that wasn't the deal. Was

fucking Khrushchev part of the deal?

Have a nice day.

Well,

now we know that cruise ship is a spy and that Kennedy and Commander Wilson

in on this.

Well, I think I should still have sex with Amanda, though.

What for?

Steve's right. We should just let him do his thing with Blondie just to make

sure she's not a spy, too.

In fact, could you ask Amanda to come up here, please?

You're such a whore.

I'm going to go up to Briggs Farm and see what they're up to.

Be careful. It could be dangerous.

You know, Colonel Austin, even though you are an American hero...

I could still kill you with my bare hands, but I'd still like to fuck you.

Oh, really?

Well, it seems you really do know how to put a man in a good mood.

Want to taste it?

Yeah, I want to taste it.

You look that pussy so good.

to feel good.

So next time, sweetheart, I'll give you the bionic blast.

Ooh.

Hey, do you mind seeing yourself out? Because I have to go catch Kennedy and

Khrushchev. Is that on PBS again?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Mmm.

Where do you want that?

Move the bumper, Jamie! Hang on!

Don't worry, he's not getting away.

This chap is getting away.

Oh, shit!

I guess she's the bionic one.

There's still one person we're not really 100 % certain of.

Who else do you suspect?

I'm afraid to say that it might be Captain Jennings.

Jamie's dating a spy?

Oh, come on, Steve. There's no way that Brandon is a spy.

We have video footage of him in a transaction with the Russians. And where

is, he's got a tattoo of a Russian flag on his cock.

The only way we can find out for sure is you're going to have to have sex with

him, Jamie.

Okay, Oscar, I will accept the challenge.

No, no, wait, hold on a minute.

Why does she have to have sex with him?

Don't be jealous, Steve.

He doesn't have a bionic cock like you do.

Well, thank God for small wonders.

All righty, Jamie.

Go ahead and have sex with him. You can do it right here in my office.

Once you've seen his cock and whether it has a tattoo or not, you can stop.

Oh, and Jamie, can you do me a small favor?

At least make an attempt to not suck his cock.

Jealous!

I had fingers in there.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

about being here in this office with my legs spread wide open.