Original subtitles

My name's Larry Bailey. I have an interview scheduled with Mr. Mickey.

Sure, what time?

Ten, but I ran into some car trouble.

Oh, good way to start.

Oh, come on.

It's only a museum. How stressed could he be? He's in the back. I'll take you

see him.

Larry.

It says in your resume you have no experience in police or surveillance

What makes you qualified for the job?

I don't know. It's a security guard position at night in a museum.

But maybe I'd be qualified.

Ah, so you figured it's just a museum.

Late at night, anybody can do it. Any old schmeckle can handle this kind of

huh? Let me tell you something.

I don't even need a security guard at night until recently when the kid's

breaking in and causing havoc.

Now I got the media and the authorities all over the place.

I don't need this.

Yeah, I saw something on the news. Did they steal anything?

Larry.

They're having sex with my price. with artifacts and antiques.

Having sex?

Who does stuff like that?

Lunatics. It's crazy.

Look, it's hard enough running a place like this without worrying about the

authorities coming down for running a sex club or a brothel.

You're right. That's insane.

This one guy, he says he's a boyfriend to some girl. He claims that one of my

exhibits had sex with his girlfriend.

Probably did a better job than he could do. And now he wants to take us to court

for emotional distress.

I don't need this.

You don't. You work hard.

Maybe these kids are on drugs.

Maybe. I haven't even thought about that.

Look, eh, you seem like a nice kid. Let me show you the exhibit you'll be

guarding, all right?

Welcome to the Erotic Heritage

Museum.

Then the girls give this speech.

They have to clear their throats first.

And they go.

We have exhibits here from all around the world. The Erotic Heritage Museum is

dedicated to the preservation of great erotic pieces of art and instructional

fact and historical fact, something most museums seem to ignore.

We showcase and educate the masses here on the significance of erotic fine art

and film.

This is kind of a lump in the throat, don't it?

Yeah. Let me show you some more. Come on.

There's the beautiful paintings of erotic art. This is Charles Darwin and

discussions on the history of sex, genitalia. It's right there.

about the struggle for existence, all about how the, you know, whatever

had to go through natural selection.

Here we have some adult actresses, some models, some dancers, all kinds of

performers. Over here we show animal effects, the Beatles.

Look at that, see that, the ladybugs, the Beatles over there, right? Not the

band from England, the ones that live in dirt.

Here we have some dicks, lots and lots of dicks. Different celebrities, porn

stars, dicks, dicks, dicks.

White, black, tall, short, little, big, thick. You name it. Lots and lots and

lots of dicks.

Come on.

Now, we had a lady tour guide who was caught sucking dick. Some of the guards.

She tried to deny it and said, not me.

Wasn't me. And then we got caught. The sperm dripped down her mouth. So we had

to punish her.

That's her right there.

This is actually our equipment known as SNL.

Yeah, but we teach courses at S &M, B &B, CBS, T &A, IOD, IOU.

Anything with three letters, we teach them.

Here you have her.

Looks kind of interesting, huh?

Let's see right there. It goes right to the pussy there.

Back and forth.

Can you do that?

Good job.

Here we have the famous porn stars.

Here we have Julie Linmar.

Here we have Kobe Ty.

Thank God!

Devin. Christy Canyon.

Savannah.

Tina Leone.

Julianne.

Don't know her name. I forgot. I think I had sex with her. Not the dummy.

The actual girl.

You have just been behind the green door.

How'd you like the tour?

It was great. Very educational.

20 bucks.

Well, just kidding.

Listen, we're open until 10 o 'clock every night, seven days a week.

You could start tonight if you want. Really?

Oh, that's great.

I don't know what it is. Something about your face.

You just need to be honest.

You're looking like a nice kid, you know?

You're not going to be fucking around on the job.

No, not at all.

Speaking of job, what does it entail?

Well, you have to make sure all the lights are off at night, make sure all

alarms are on, and the kids, you know?

I don't want these freakos coming here and getting their freak on.

So basically you... are being hired to stop the fucking.

Got it. No fucking.

There will be no fucking on my watch. You can count on me, Mr. McGee. I trust

you.

Man, those were the days.

Back when porn was porn.

Man, that woman was sure a sucker dick.

Stay. Relax.

Relax. I'm a doctor.

By any chance, have you seen a patient of mine?

About so tall, mid -twenties, kind of curly hair, needs to fillate to orgasm?

No. Who are you? How did you get in here?

Well, you see, I'm looking for Linda Lovelace.

She's my patient.

A very interesting patient, you see. Her clitoris is located in her throat.

Not above her vagina, but deep in her throat.

The only way that she can come, if you will, is through oral intercourse.

It's through a new technique I've devised called deep throat.

As ridiculous as it was in the movie.

I get it.

I get it.

Mess with the new guy.

Let's dress up like dead porn stars.

And we'll just give him a scare, right?

Right? Come on out, Mr. McGee. You got me.

You got me.

Come on.

Well, I can assure you, my friend, I'm just as real as you.

You see, this is a space -time continuum you've entered.

The sex museum sits on a fulcrum between the past and the present.

Spirits are able to go back and forth through the power of libido and sex

and transmit directly to this precise coordinate.

It makes as little sense as it did in the movie.

You get out of here now.

Have Mr. McGee show himself, or I'm calling the cops.

Why are you calling the cops?

This is an obscenity charge.

You're dead.

I can't come from my pussy. It doesn't mean I'm dead.

Linda, you're back.

Please excuse us. She's on the clock.

What clock?

I thought we were in a space -time continuum.

Larry, please.

I'm with a patient.

And I need to perfect this new medical technique of mine.

Now, Ms. Lovelace, let's begin the physical examination and see if we can't

figure out why you can't hear those rockets and bombs going off, okay?

Well, that's amazing.

We seem to be missing something.

Well, I'm a girl, Doctor.

We don't have to.

No, no, no, no, Miss Lovelace. I know you're a girl.

You don't have a clitoris.

You know, the tingle maker.

What? You've got to be kidding me.

Well, look for yourself.

No man in a boat.

Well, I'll be fucked.

I don't have a clit. What do I do?

No, no, no.

Miss Lovelace.

You told me before, when you get laid, you feel a tingle in your throat.

Well, yeah, doctor, right here. I feel it right here.

Okay, well, open your mouth for me.

Absolutely extraordinary.

That little bugger. There it is.

I found your clit.

It's in your throat.

Deep in your throat.

Have you ever heard the term deep throat?

Deep who?

Not deep who. Deep throat.

It's a new technique I've been developing.

It's when you swallow a penis until it's all the way down your throat. Hence the

term deep throat.

Well, how do I do that?

Well, I'll choke.

Well, if you ever want to hear those fireworks, bombs, and whistles going

you're going to want to work that clitoris. It'll be fun. Just relax your

muscles, breathe yoga style, and think deep thoughts.

You make it sound so simple.

Try it. You'll like it.

Now, why don't you scoot off that couch and let's give it a whirl.

There you go, you're getting it.

Very well done.

Wow.

She really, really can suck a cock.

Huh.

Baby, don't you know the answer is right there.

70s porn music. Of course.

Why not? I'm in a sex museum.

You could get anywhere.

Very well done.

That's lovely.

Thank you.

so the technique is successful.

Doctor, is there anything I can assist you with?

Why, yes. Yes, there is.

Miss Lovelace, please.

Take this one with you and continue practicing.

Oh, Doctor, I can't thank you enough.

I'm sure you will in the future.

That's for you.

Maybe you can also help me work on this technique.

I think I can.

Don't forget about my book.

I think I'm going to die.

Yes, yes. There's my couple.

Oh, yeah.

Perhaps other holes of yours for further examination?

I think they work.

Oh my

god.

I'll plant you over up here.

Doctor's orders.

Love your food, Ruth.

Fuck, it's so deep.

Oh my God, it's so deep.

Oh!

Oh, God.

Yes! Yes!

Is there anything else I can do for you doctor?

That'll be all for now.

Hey, Linda.