Original subtitles

Halt!

Don't touch That beverage.

Ha, watch me.

But, carl, I hold in my hands

The next leap forward In modern refrigeration.

New from urkelco, It's ice cubes in a can.

Steve, what drives you

To create these useless Inventions?

A childhood devoid Of human contact.

Ahh.

Now observe.

This handy dandy can Eliminates the need For ice cubes.

Why, one spray will turn A lukewarm beverage

Into a frosty cold beverage In mere seconds.

Hey, put that--

Prepare to be dazzled.

Hmm.

Oh, boy, That was exciting.

Don't worry. She must be clogged.

Unh.

Still nothing.

You mind if I try?

Go ahead, but You're wasting your time.

What're you doing?

Well, What do you know, steve?

It really works.

Good one.

[sigh]

Uh, carl, carl,

Turn up the heat.

There's the pass And the shot

From the top Of the key. Swish.

Oh, yeah, Ha ha ha ha!

Can you believe this?

17 seconds left.

Whoa, what a game,

What a game. Ha ha ha!

Hola, mi amigos.

Hi, steve.

Purdue inbounds the ball.

It's full court press.

Illinois steals the ball!

Yes, yes!

Hey, guys, Hoops are great,

But if it's sports action You crave,

Nothing beats The world series of curling.

Steve!

What glorious form.

Blivens sweeps his stone Magnificently.

What a play!

In all my years Of sportscasting,

I've never seen A more exciting shot!

Man.

You probably would like To have seen that.

You're lucky I have to leave.

Working on a saturday, Big guy?

Just making a little Extra money moonlighting.

Dad's got A great gig.

He's working security For a movie company On location.

He actually gets To protect movie stars.

Wow, movie stars.

Hey, have you met David hasselhoff?

No.

Vicki lawrence?

No.

Erik estrada?

No.

Must be A low-budget film.

I'll see you guys Later.

Hey, I'll drop You off, dad.

Why, because you care About your dad?

Of course.

And want to meet Some starlets?

Of course. Yeah.

Uncle steve, You got a minute?

What's up, richmeister?

Well, I'm having my first Science fair at school.

Could you help me With my project?

Me?

Out of everyone In this house, You're asking me?

Well, yeah. I figured Since you're so good At science.

Why--why, I'd be honored.

Thanks.

You know, richie,

Your first science fair Is a milestone

In your young life. It is?

Oh, yes, Yes, yes, yes.

Why, it fosters Creative thinking.

Trains The mind to solve Complex problems.

Why, you could cure A deadly disease.

You could harness The power

Of the time-space Continuum.

You could invent A device

That could change History.

I thought I'd make A pinwheel.

A pinwheel's good.

Boulevard of bullets

Scene 22, Take one, mark.

Action.

It's over, luke.

You're going down For a long time.

Chazz, wait. We can work this out.

Everybody knows You're a cop

With a taste For the good life.

We can split The diamonds, huh?

Mmm.

Tempting,

But not tempting enough.

Oh, brother.

Cut!

Who said, "Oh, brother"?

Who on my set thought It would be a good Career move

To say, "Oh, brother"?

Sorry.

It's just that That scene

Is a little Unrealistic.

You have notes?

I don't believe this.

The security guard Has notes.

Can we get moving? I'm losing my gift Over here.

Your gift? Your gift Is that we got you out of Dinner theater.

Now take five.

Now, what did you mean It's unrealistic?

Well, for starters,

A cop wouldn't Scratch his head With a gun.

It's subtext.

It's stupid.

He could blow His brains out,

Or the guy Could jump him And get away.

You sound like you know What you're talking about.

I've been a chicago cop For over 20 years.

Huh.

You're one of those guys With the--

What do you call it?

A real job?

That's it!

What is your name?

Carl winslow.

Alright, carl winslow,

How do you see the scene?

It's over, luke.

You have the right To remain silent.

If you refuse that right, Anything you say

Can and will be Held against you In a court of law.

Aww.

Cut!

Talk to me, c.W. What's wrong?

Well, jake, it's still A little too unreal.

I mean, What he's saying is real.

The way he's saying it Isn't.

Could you show him How a real cop Would do it.

Well, I don't know--

For me, c.W., huh? Be a doll.

Oh, alright. Why not?

Hi.

Action.

It's over, luke.

You're under arrest.

You have the right To remain silent.

If you refuse that right,

Anything you say Can and will be Held against you

In a court of law.

Yes!

Incredible.

I really like Working with him.

He gives me something.

Well, I'm no actor. I'm just a cop.

Exactly.

You're a real cop.

That's just what My movie is missing.

C.W., I want you In this picture. Who's your agent?

Agent? Well, well, When we bought our house,

We had a real estate agent Named natalie.

Somebody get me natalie On the phone.

Get natalie On the phone!

Getting Natalie!

Jake, jake, You can't do this.

Uh, jake, jake,

I don't feel too good About getting somebody Fired.

Look at this guy. Strong and sensitive Like me.

Will you Get out of here?

So, what do you say? Ready to act?

Oh, jake, I--

Come on. You can do this.

You have to seize The moment.

That's what it's all About, seizing.

C.W., are you ready To seize?

I guess I could seize.

I love this guy!

Thank you, thank you, Thank you.

Hey, uncle steve,

I drew a picture Of the pinwheel we gonna build.

Yeah, yeah, richie.

I've been thinking About that.

A pinwheel's nice,

But I'm not sure It'll wow the judges.

Why not?

Well, because Everyone does a pinwheel.

I mean you go whhhh, And it's over.

I was thinking We'd do something

With a little more Sizzle.

Like what?

Like how about a project Utilizing anemometry?

Wow, cool. That's excellent.

Yeah.

What the heck is that?

Well, what do you get

When you combine Hot air with cold air?

Medium air?

No, actually You get congress?

No, but seriously,

You get wind.

Now, If my calculations Are correct,

Using hot air And cold air,

We can artificially create One of nature's strongest Forces

In a miniature Controlled environment.

Huh?

We are going to build A tornado.

All of a sudden, I'm the star of the movie.

Carl, That's incredible.

Laura, your dad's In a movie.

Oh, what's he seeing?

No. He's acting In a movie.

Get out. Let me...

Let's celebrate. When are you Coming home?

I may be late.

Some of the other actors Are a little shaky.

Hey, c.W., Time to twinkle.

Got to go, Babe. Ciao.

Ciao.

Ah, here's The next scene, c.W.

Let's rehearse it. Okay.

Nicole!

I want to talk About this scene.

Do--do you know Who you are?

You're nicole moses.

You look familiar. Oh, I do?

I remember. You're the security guy

Who ate all the doughnuts.

Not anymore, doll.

As a matter of fact, He's your new costar.

You're kidding.

I never kid, kid.

He is real.

He walks the walk. He talks the talk. You understand?

Whatever.

Okay, let's rehearse.

And action.

Bianca, I know you're running With the montes brothers.

No way am I Going to tell you

When the bust Is going down.

Stop it, baby.

Now, when are you Going to realize

That you're the one That I long for?

I want you so much.

I need you.

[high voice] I'm warning you...

I'm not falling for this.

I'm not falling For your gorgeous smile,

Your beautiful eyes, And your soft, pouty lips.

Cut!

Cut?

Only the director Can call cut.

It says I'm supposed to Kiss her passionately here.

So?

Well, I'm a happily Married man.

I feel a little Uncomfortable kissing Another woman.

Why don't you do What I do?

Close your eyes And think about the money.

Look, um, you're not Cheating on your wife.

You're acting. It's part of the job.

Well, I don't know, jake--

Look, c.W.,

If you want To be an actor, Huh, huh, huh,

You have to forget Who you are.

You have to Become the role.

Become the role.

Become the role. I can do it.

I love this guy!

I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

Whatever.

Okay.

This time, c.W., You make the move on her.

Me? Yes.

Okay,

From that last speech, guys, And action.

I'm warning you, I'm not falling for this.

I'm not falling For your gorgeous smile,

Your beautiful eyes,

And your soft, Pouty--pouty lips.

I'm sorry. I--I can't do this.

Cut!

Look, for the last time,

You either do this, Or you're fired.

You can't fire me, 'cause I quit.

I refuse To be exploited For my good looks

And my body.

Alright, richie.

We've got warm air Coming through here

And cold air Coming through there.

What do we get When we combine them?

Wind. Excellent.

Alrighty, mister. Let's make a twister.

But first we must don Protective eyewear.

Nothing's happening.

Be patient. She's a-coming.

Hey, it works. It really works.

Ain't science A kick in the head?

What's wrong?

I believe the scientific Term is snafu.

O-our compressor's A little power-hungry.

I'll just tweak it a bit.

Oh, richie, richie.

Oh, richie, richie!

Are you okay?

That was fun.

Can we do it again?

Uhh, no way.

You know what'll make A great science project?

What?

A pinwheel.

Whoa!

You guys better Clean this mess up

Before mom sees it.

Place looks like It was hit by a tornado.

Hey, movie star.

Oh, hey, honey.

I thought You'd be in bed.

Are you kidding?

What happened On the set?

Give me every Juicy detail.

Well...

First I did A fight scene,

Then I met Nicole moses.

Wow.

And then I quit.

What?

They wanted me To do a love scene With her.

What?

Yeah. Real intense And sexy,

And on crates.

You know, carl, Most men would have Found that exciting.

Well, I know, I would have, too,

But when it came Time to kiss her, I was embarrassed.

Because there were Too many people around?

No, because I felt That I'd be cheating On you.

Carl. Yeah?

Those are Really good answers.

I don't know, honey.

I guess I'm not Cut out to be an actor.

You're not married To a star.

Oh, yes, I am.

When it comes To a husband and father,

You're a superstar.

Awww.

You know, carl,

You may never win an oscar,

But tonight you won yourself A harriette. Come on.

Beat the shot clock. Oh, he fouled him!

Yes, yes, yes!

He be--ha ha ha ha!

Hi-de-ho, hoop fans.

My dentist gave me tickets To the bulls game this friday.

I canceled my checkup,

And these came In the mail.

You're lucky.

I canceled My annual checkup,

And all I got Was cavities.

Wait a minute. The bulls game.

Aren't they playing The rockets on friday?

Yes, indeedy.

Where we sitting?

14th row.

Yes, yes!

Um, but, but,

I only have Three tickets.

Ohh.

Well, we'll tell you All about it, steve.

Nice try, slick,

But one of you Has to sit home.

How will we decide Who goes?

Well,

I'll do it Fair and square.

Everybody Stand in line.

Come on, come on.

There we go. We'll do this Scientifically.

Here we go. Okay, alright.

Here we go.

Three little cheeses Sitting in a tree.

Two were gouda, And one was brie.

Along came their sisters, Swiss and roma.

They stank so bad, They had to go home-a.

Steve--

Put them in a cheese box, Shake them real hard,

Stick 'em in the freeze, Then toss them in the yard.

Let them turn brown Or let them turn yellow--

Steve!

Yes?

You three are going, Not me.

Well, why not?

Because I just realized,

There is no way I'm going anywhere With you!

What's with him?