Original subtitles

Ready to go, eddo? Tipoff's in an hour.

Whoa, stop!

What?

This isn't milk. This is glue.

Glue? Yes.

It's my super Urp-grip,

Patent pending.

Why's it in the fridge?

I have to keep it cool.

It hardens At room temperature.

Didn't you read my memo?

Look.

"Glue.

"Sticky.

May clog colon."

Steve, you put up So many memos,

I stopped Reading them.

Oh, really?

Well, you'll be Getting a memo About that.

Hey.

Oh, laura, honey,

Calm down!

It's not that bad.

It's worse. I been trying To get a date

With dante lewis For months,

And I wake up With a zit on my forehead.

The size Of a blimp.

Sweetheart, You're overreacting.

Nobody will ever Even notice.

Hi, gals.

Holy cow!

Look at the size Of that zit!

No one will notice, Huh?

I understand. You're humiliated.

Don't you expect To see molten lava

Come shooting Out of that puppy?

I'm going to Go in there

And, uh, Not be in here.

Steve just left, And I have a date,

So if you Have to leave, I'd appreciate it.

Suit yourself.

But I can zap your zit

Before your fly guy Gets here.

Really? Mm-hmm.

How?

Well, just this Very morning,

I, too, awoke With a blemish.

I don't see anything.

Exactly.

I used my monkhouse Miracle mask.

And look... Once again, my skin Is positively radiant!

What's in This miracle mask?

Completely Natural ingredients

Found in your Everyday kitchen.

Oatmeal...

Honey...

Baking soda...

Avocado, lemon...

Hmm.

Egg whites...

And mother nature's Astringent...

Milk!

You don't know what You're talking about.

Yes, I do.

You won't admit You're wrong.

That's 'cause I'm right.

I know basketball.

Well, so do I.

I follow the games, I read the stats,

And I'm telling you,

Dennis rodman plays better With purple hair.

Hey, fellas, How's it going?

Hey, how Was the game?

Cool. Bulls in overtime.

By 1.

Alright! But you know what?

The players Always tip better

When they win.

You mean... The bulls players Come here?

Oh, sure, man. The whole places gets packed.

So if you guys Wanna meet them,

Hurry inside And beat the crowd.

Check it out.

What do You think?

Don't ask me to think.

It hurts.

Eddo, we can't Go in there.

It's a bar, A tavern,

A pub, a lounge,

A saloon.

So? So?

We're not old enough To drink.

[imitating steve] We're not old enough To drink!

Whew!

Let's just go inside, Check the place out,

Scarf some peanuts, And score A few autographs.

No way, not me. Not gonna do it.

Alright, fine.

No, wait!

Now you guys have a choice.

You can either Come with me

And feel good About yourselves,

Or you can put your souls In moral jeopardy

And walk into that Devil's playground!

See ya. See ya.

But, eddo!

Alright, fellas, Welcome to the ace high.

Got your favorite seats Right here.

Have a seat. Two kings Looking good.

If there's anything I can get you, Just let me know.

Cool. Alright.

We got the best seats In the house.

That's 'cause The house is empty.

I'm here to meet Basketball players.

If they're not Going to show up,

I'll need another Reason to stay.

Hi, guys.

Uh...

I can give you Two reasons.

Heh heh heh.

Ooh, hello there, Precious.

My name is Eddie winslow,

But, uh, You can call me

Anytime you want.

And you can call me Yvette.

Ooh.

You bet.

I'm chondra. What's your name, Handsome?

No, it's waldo.

Waldo geraldo faldo.

I already Have a girlfriend.

Her name's maxine.

Oh, well, Is she nice?

She's a sweetie pie. But if she saw us together,

She'd rip off your arm And beat me with it.

Bye. Bye.

Something to drink?

Well, I am A little thirsty.

Tell you what. Bring the lady Whatever she wants,

And I'll have A ginger ale.

I'd love some champagne

Because the bubbles Tickle my nose.

[giggles]

My turn next.

And for you.

I'll have some water And plenty of free peanuts.

So, yvette, Tell me about you.

I'm much more Interested in you.

My life is An open book, baby.

Just let your fingers Do the walking.

Ooh.

Alright, then. Thank you.

Mmm.

A toast.

To...

Chance meetings And...

Love at First sight.

To warm, Exciting moments

Between strangers In the night.

I see london, I see france,

I see yvette's underpants.

Would you like to buy A rose for the lady?

Certainly.

In fact, a woman This beautiful

Deserves two roses.

Ahh.

A rose For a rose.

And...

A-another rose.

Ha ha ha.

Well, thank you, Eddie.

Now, if you'll Excuse me,

I need to go use The little girls' room.

Alright, yvette.

Don't you be gone Too long.

I won't. Alright.

Ooh! Ha ha!

I don't think The bulls players Are coming in here.

Who cares! I'm making out Like a bandit with yvette.

Get her number And call her.

I got to get home.

Alright.

Excuse me. Can I have The check, please?

Certainly.

$500!

Is there A problem?

You bet there's A problem.

$500?

For a bottle of champagne And two roses?

Two roses?

That'll be $550.

[stuttering]

Why is this bill so much?

We only serve The finest champagne

And the freshest Roses.

This is ridiculous. I demand to see the owner.

Very well.

You know, waldo,

I think we're Being scammed.

We should've left A long time ago.

Did you listen? No!

You had to fly your jet With yvette!

See what you get?

Look, the place Is empty.

Let's just Peel out of here.

Man!

I'm frank.

I happen to be The owner

Of this establishment.

You have a complaint?

You're Ripping us off,

And we're Not paying.

I see.

Fellas,

Tell him what happens

When customers don't Pay their bills.

Bodily damage.

Um... Well...

I have an idea.

What if we Both leave,

Save up our money,

And come back And pay our bill,

In, say, six months?

I have an even Better idea.

What if One of you leaves,

Gets me my money,

And pays off the bill In, say...

Now!

That could work.

Look, waldo, this Whole thing is my fault.

I got us into this mess.

I'll come back for you As soon as I can.

Thanks, eddie. Hey!

Nice try.

Okay, you go.

Where am I gonna Get the money?

Go to my dad.

Tell him we were On our way home from the game,

And my car broke down On the expressway,

We weren't near A phone,

And we need the money To fix it.

Got it? Got it.

And whatever you do,

Don't tell him what Really happened.

Don't worry. Wild porcupines Couldn't drag it out of me.

Back in a flash.

Myra, my face Is tingling.

Ah, that means The monkhouse miracle mask Is working.

[bell dings]

Time's up.

Let's take a gander At your zit-free face.

Hmm...

What's wrong?

I'm having A little difficulty

Getting The mask off.

Uh-oh.

Howdy doody, Gal pals.

Steven, a little help Here, please.

Don't tell me.

Let me guess.

Jim carrey In the mask.

[imitating jim carrey] Somebody stop me!

No, I had a pimple,

So myra slapped This crud on my face.

Yeah, but for some Odd reason,

I'm having A little difficulty

Removing it.

Oh.

Let me see.

Look at this From different angles. Lets see here.

Mmm. Mmm.

I see what's going on. Oh, yes.

Definitely a problem.

What are The ingredients?

Avocado, honey, lemon,

Baking soda, Eggs, and milk.

Milk?

Uh...

Uh, baby's breath...

Uh...

Did you happen To use the milk

That was in the bottle on The second shelf in the fridge?

Mm-hmm. Aah!

Well, what's The matter?

That wasn't milk!

That was super glue! Aah!

Oh! Cheese, daddy.

If you had just Labeled that bottle Properly,

This would've Never happened.

But, sweet feet, I do believe You could've been

A little more conscious In your preparation.

Get this off Of my face!

Yes, ma'am.

Ohh.

Calm down. Just calm down.

Okay, okay, okay.

Ow!

Okay, okay, okay.

Now, just brace Yourself, laura,

And one or two jerks

Should get this baby Right off your face.

I hope so. Two simple jerks Got his on my face.

Drama queen, Drama queen.

Okay, now Just calm down.

Okay, um...

Myra, you go Around there.

Hold her there. Okay.

Okay. Okay, okay. Now, you ready?

Yeah.

Do this on three, okay?

1...

2...

3! Aah!

Aaahhh!

Aaahhhh!

Aaahhhh!

Aaahhhh!

Aahahahha!

Okay, uh,

Th-that--that Didn't work.

Okay, one more. Okay.

You ready?

Ready. Okay. Ready?

Aaaaah!

Aahhh! Aaahhh!

Aahahh!

Aahhhh! Ahhhha!

Aaahhhhhhhh!

I'll handle this myself!

Oh, no! Don't! Don't!

Gadzooks, woman!

Get ahold of yourself.

I can't believe this.

I made sure I looked great for months

So dante would Notice me and ask me out.

Now when he's actually Coming to pick me up,

I look like The swamp thing.

Ohh!

Hey! Hey!

It's out. Hey!

See?

All's well That ends well.

You know, you got a serious Mary poppins thing

Going on with you.

Take that. Hyah!

Ahh!

Aah!

Oh!

Eat my purse!

Ha ha!

You can't get me.

I'm slick, fast, I'm powerful!

Finish him.

Take that, You bohunk!

Grandma wins!

You're dead!

[doorbell rings]

Hey, waldo, What's up?

Your son edward's car

Experienced difficulty On the expressway

And could no longer Sustain ignition.

Drat the luck.

But we were not Near a phone

And found ourselves In a bewildering Predicament.

Thusly, Your son edward

Requested that I borrow $500 In american currency

From you...

His father.

Carl winslow.

Why didn't edward come Instead of you, waldo?

Alright, I lied!

Nothing happened With the car.

Eddie got scammed By some cheap floozy In a bar.

Please, I can't take This constant grilling.

Well, where-- Where is he, waldo?

The ace high lounge. For god sakes, Leave me alone.

I don't know Any more.

That's a stupid boy.

Frank, if my friend Can't get the money,

What happens to me?

You ever hear The expression,

"It cost me An arm and a leg"?

Well, hello there, Big spender.

Dad.

Can I help you?

Uh, I'm Carl winslow,

This young man's Father.

Sorry you had to come All the way down here.

Your son's A man-about-town

With a wallet That's just about empty.

If you don't mind,

I'd like to see My son's bill.

$450 for a bottle Of champagne?

Edward, were You drinking?

No, dad. I bought it for her.

Well, at least you had A good excuse.

I had no idea It cost that much.

I guess all you Had to do was ask.

Learned a valuable Lesson, huh?

$100 for two roses?

I landscaped Our whole backyard

For less than that.

Well, he's young.

Just chalk it up To experience.

Well, you know, I would If I didn't think

That you were trying to Take advantage of him.

Listen, pal,

Your son Owes me $550.

If he doesn't pay it, I'll have him arrested.

You want to whine,

Tell it To the judge.

Well, you--

You want to...

Um...

You know, pal,

Misleading people And extorting money

Is a felony.

Plus edward And his friend

Are under 21, And by law,

Aren't allowed in here In the first place.

Oh, yeah?

What makes you Such a big expert?

This.

I'm lieutenant Carl winslow.

Chicago p.D.?

And you're Under arrest.

Now, wait a minute. You should've told me You were a cop.

Well, all you Had to do was ask.

Well, I guess You learned A valuable lesson.

Okay, now--now Wait a minute.

I think this Is one big Misunderstanding.

Well, I guess you can Chalk it up to experience.

Come on!

This isn't fair!

You want to whine,

Tell it To the judge.

Ooh, grandma ninja.

That's my Favorite game.

I'm just a beginner.

You want to play?

Sure.

A buck a game.

You're on.

Fight!

Finish her.

Ninja wins!

Hi, everybody.

Fight!

Hyah! Aahhh!

You missed.

Ham sandwich With cheese!

Ham sandwich With cheese!

Finish him.

Urkel wins!

Did I do that?