Original subtitles

You don't seem to grasp, 3j.

That the whole idea Of big brothers

Is to be friends With the volunteers

Who spend time with you.

Hey, I'm down with that. 100%.

No lie.

Well, then, Can you explain

Why the last four big brothers We assigned you quit?

Wimps. All of them.

Just big brother wimps.

It wasn't my fault.

I'm a little angel.

Yeah, right.

Leonard here said You scared him Half to death.

Oh... Big misunderstanding With lenny.

See, he didn't know That in my 'hood,

Putting a snake Down a guy's pants

Is a sign of respect.

Look, here's the bottom line, 3j.

Your aunt begged me To give you one last chance.

And, personally, I don't like To give up on a kid.

I could see that. Yeah.

So I have found you One last big brother,

Who I hope will be A perfect role model.

An intelligent, caring,

Enthusiastic young man.

Hi-dee-ho!

Oh, boy.

Terribly sorry.

But don't worry.

I know a Great glass guy.

Thrown him a lot Of business over the years.

See?

"I'm a pane In the glass."

[laughs]

[snorts]

You're sticking me With this fool?

Uh, yeah. This is steve urkel--

Your new big brother.

Put it there, Little guy.

[car horns honking]

Did I do that?

Don't worry!

I know a great Auto body guy!

You're going to love The winslows.

Ooh! I already do!

Well, hi. Who's your New friend, steve?

I signed on To be a big brother.

And this is my young ward 3j.

It stands for Jared jamal jameson.

And who might you be, My tall tenderoni?

Excuse me?

Ah, I'm Seeing everything.

Baby got back!

Listen, You little slug...

Drool over somebody Your own age,

Like baby bop.

Watch your little Nasty self.

She wants me.

Eee-eee-eee. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You were A little offensive there, Little guy.

I was?

Rule of thumb when meeting The winslow women...

Don't talk about Their butts.

You're the man, urkie.

Uh, that's steve.

Whatever you say, urkie.

Ha ha ha ha!

Hey, steve.

Hi.

Yo. It's the heat!

Hi, carl. Hi, harriette.

Uh, steve...

Who's that Behind the couch

Hiding from The heat?

3j, Come out here.

I want you to meet Carl.

He's the head honcho Around here.

And harriette, The lovely lady Of winslow manor.

Hi.

He's cute, Isn't he?

Hi, 3j.

Ha ha ha.

I'm 3j's New big brother.

We don't get To pick.

Neither did I.

You know The big brothers program Has helped a lot of kids.

Yeah, maybe they can Help me with My little problem.

What's that?

They say I've got...

Sticky fingers.

Give me that! That's my watch!

Ha ha ha!

You know, for being a cop, You sure got suckered.

Hey, Look what I found.

Give me that, You little klepto!

Now, 3j,

People don't Warm to a guy

Who boosts Their jewelry.

Now, come along.

I've got to get To the international Bug expo.

[closes door]

You know, That young man's cute,

But I'm afraid He's trouble.

Oh...He just wants people To think he's tough.

I bet deep down inside He's a good kid.

Hee hee hee hee hee.

Little guy Took your wallet.

Why, that-- You! You come here!

Harriette?

Hmm?

What's going on Here?

I'm scraping ham fat Off this broiler Is what's going on.

No, no. I'm talking About this passbook.

This savings account Passbook.

This savings account Passbook with Your name on it,

But not mine.

Oh, well, That's nothing, carl.

It's just a little mad money.

You're right. That's exactly What it is,

'cause it's Making me mad.

Why? I just stashed away Something for a rainy day.

Rainy day?

$1,200?

That's not A rainy day, Harriette.

That's a typhoon!

Okay, carl.

You busted me.

I'm saving up to buy a lear jet

So I can run off to rio With antonio banderas.

Oh, carl...

Would you feel better

If I told you what I was saving for?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

After all, I wouldn't want to pry.

Lord knows what you got Stashed away.

A numbered Swiss bank account.

Huh? Hmm?

A safe deposit box In the cayman islands.

Probably a whole Another family Up in kenosha, hmm?

Hey, carl.

Hmm?

Up your kenosha.

Harriette!

Well, you're acting Like an idiot, carl.

Well...

You know...

I may be an idiot...

But at least I don't Hide it from you.

So the answer is 33 And a remainder Of 4/12ths or...

33 1/3. Can't we Do something fun, Urkie?

It's steve, And I really think We should concentrate

On our school work.

Tell you what.

If it's fun That you're looking for,

We'll switch to geography.

We'll make a game Out of it.

Why, we'll play bee ball In nepal.

We'll fast break In kuwait.

We'll be like shaq In iraq.

Whoa!

On second thought,

Just grab that Geography book over there.

This one?

Uh-uh.

The geography book.

Here you go.

This is arithmetic.

Why do you keep avoiding Geography?

I'm not. I just picked up The wrong book.

End of story.

You don't know How to read, do you, 3j?

Why...Sure, I do!

[car horn honks]

That's my aunt.

I'm out of here.

Now, wait, Little guy.

We can talk About this.

No. I'm done talking.

And I'm done studying.

I don't need you As a big brother.

But, 3j...

Leave me alone!

Hi, honey.

Harriette.

How was work, Sweetheart?

I'm not telling.

It's a secret.

Harriette, where are My favorite cookies?

Or are you hiding them, Too?

Here we go again.

Perhaps you have A concealed trapdoor

Where you hide Your own ding-dongs.

Carl, I've only got One ding-dong,

And I'm looking At him.

[high-pitched voice] A-ha, a-ha.

A-ha-ha.

[normal voice] Very funny, harriette,

But I'm not going To stand here and trade Quips with you,

Because you know My motto.

"If it doesn't move, Eat it"?

No.

That's my old motto.

My new motto is,

"Fight fire with fire,"

Because today I went out And got myself this.

Ha ha ha.

My own separate Savings account.

$9.00?

9 big ones.

And it's drawing 2% per annum, baby.

Carl...

Sit down.

We're going to end This nonsense.

Hah. Well...

I'm going to tell you

All the little dark secrets I've kept from you

In the 25 years That we've been married.

Aha! I knew There was more!

Number one--

On our first date,

My fingernails weren't real.

Oh, well, I...

Number two--

I never have And never will

Enjoy our annual visit to The recreational vehicle show.

And number three--

Sometime last november, When you got frisky,

And I told you I had a headache...

I didn't have a headache, Carl.

You lied to me, Harriette?

Yes, I did.

You don't like The recreational vehicle Show?

Nope.

Can't stand rvs.

Carl, I'm hurt that After all these years,

You'd have so little Faith in me.

Do you really think That I hid that money from you

Because I had Some ulterior motive?

Well, that's what It looked like.

Well...

Carl...

I was saving That money...

So that I could Buy you...

This.

What is this?

It was supposed to be Your birthday present.

But since You're so suspicious,

Open it now.

A camcorder!

Harriette...

It's a camcorder!

I know, carl.

I bought it.

[sheepish laugh]

Gotcha!

Yeah.

Ha ha. Ahem.

Harriette, how do you Put up with me?

I have A secret husband...

Who's nicer.

Harriette, I've been acting like A complete and total jerk.

At least now we can Capture it on tape.

I'm sorry, harriette.

I love you, mrs. Winslow.

[sighs]

I love you, too, Mr. Winslow.

Ohh! Ha ha ha ha Ha ha!

Excuse me.

Would you ladies be doves And step aside?

Hey, look, It's e.T.!

Phone home, sucker! Phone home.

You know, if I had a nickel For every time Someone called me e.T.,

I'd have just enough money To buy you

A sorely needed makeover.

What?

No, you didn't. No one talks To baby girl like that.

[baby girl] Mm-hmm.

Baby girl?

Don't you mean Baby huey girl?

That's it!

No! Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, baby girl.

Before you hurt him,

Let's make him buy His playground pass.

My playground pass?

I've been here A hundred times before

And I never needed A playground pass.

Well, we're here now,

And you need a pass.

Okay.

How much?

We want all You got.

But that's all I got.

Too bad, Suspender boy.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ow! My nipples!

Go on!

Okay. Okay.

You know, How do you expect To find a husband

With manners like that?

Of course, That mustache ain't going to Help you out much either.

Look, give us your money

Or we're going To carve you A third nostril.

Okay, okay, okay. I had hoped to avoid Confrontation here.

But you leave me No choice.

So, what'll it be--

Rock paper scissors Or down and dirty Thumb wrestling?

How about Thumb breaking?

Okay. That does it.

How you living, 3j?

Got it going on. You?

Just making a withdrawal From the bank of nerd.

Well, Do me a favor.

Leave the toy alone.

He's with me.

What?

That's right.

I'm with him. Good old 3j.

My main bro guy Homey there.

We go back Like a recliner.

Who cares? We still want Your money.

Yeah!

Uhh!

Okay, will you leave him Alone for 50?

For sure.

50? 3j, no!

Chill, urkie.

It's not worth The hassle.

Thanks, 3j.

Nice doing business With you.

Ha ha!

[laughter]

3j...

I appreciate the help,

But why did you give

Those three hyenas From the lion king

All that money?

Urkie, I picked their pockets.

That 50 bucks I gave them Was their own money.

Oh, you're good.

That's bad...

But you're good.

What are you doing in My neighborhood anyway?

I'm still Your big brother.

And I want to teach you How to read.

I told you, I already know How to read.

Oh, really?

Then read this Basketball card.

Easy.

"Michael jordan.

"Number 23. On the chicago bulls.

Average points Per game--32."

Okay...Now read the company That makes the card.

Up-up-up...

Upper deck.

I can't read.

I know.

You memorized those stats.

How'd you make it All the way to fourth grade

Without knowing how to read?

It's called faking it.

Yeah, but how do you read The menu at mickey d's

Or figure out The instructions To a video game?

Or better yet, How do you even know What a street sign says?

I ask somebody.

I get by.

3j, a kid As smart as you

Shouldn't have To just get by.

You can go far.

And reading will take you As far as your imagination Can go.

In one book, you could be A fighter pilot

With the tuskegee airmen.

In another, You could be a knight

At king arthur's court.

Or you could be a pirate

Digging for buried treasure With long john silver.

[imitating long john silver] Ah, you scurvy scum!

Wow! You make it Sound cool.

Reading is cool.

And I want to teach you.

You won't bomb out on me Like my other big brothers?

No way!

I keep my promises.

I do what I say And I say what I mean,

And I mean what I say When I mean That I say I'll do it.

You lost me, urkie.

I won't bomb out on you.

What do you say we start First thing tomorrow?

Deal. Great.

Now let's go grab An ice cream cone.

I'll read the flavors To you.

Wait...

Your forgot your keys, Steve.

Hey, I gave them back.

Don't go crying on me.

It's not that.

I'm just touched You called me steve.

Hey, I know What we could do.

Let's sit in the car And pretend we're Helicopter pilots.

Nah. How about We take the car?

Nah. I don't take cars.

I don't pretend.

We can go at the park And play soccer.

We can go to the park And bet on soccer.

I don't bet.

I don't play.

Legos?

Get a life.

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