Original subtitles

Well, I've got to go In the house, cindy.

[smack]

I wuv you.

Well, beautiful New car, big guy.

Thanks.

Get within five feet Of it,

And you'll be raking With the fishes.

*...To the ball game *

* take me out To the crowd, yeah! **

Whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Where are you two Going?

Out back, bub.

We're going outside To play ball.

Not out By the driveway.

That's where I parked My new car.

You two play ball Out front. Let's go.

But what if we hit A parked car?

I'll take That risk.

What if we get hit By a car?

I'll take That risk, too.

Now there's A brave man.

Now, let's see. Where was I?

"You and your airbag."

[waldo] Eddie, bet you can't hit My fastball.

[eddie] Hum it in there!

[whack]

[waldo] It's going Over the house!

I'm here for you, cindy.

[smack]

Knock knock knock!

Hello, cutie booty.

Hello, mushy tushy.

Can I come in?

Now might not be An appropriate time.

I'm ironing My unmentionables.

Oh, fiddle faddle.

Kiss me, cowboy.

Mmmph... Mmmph...

Myra, not in front Of the appliances.

Very well.

Shifting hormones To neutral.

But let me show you these!

Myra!

Two tickets to The senior class

Bicycle trip-- My treat.

Oh.

Oh?

I made my mother wait In line for two hours,

And all I get is an oh?

I'm sorry, myra,

But I don't want to go On the bicycle trip.

But it's a tradition, A show of school spirit.

A chance to suck face In a forest.

[whooosh]

Oh, that's mighty tempting,

But the reason I can't go is...

Oh, the shame!

What's the matter, Stevie?

Oh, myra, I--

I--I never--

Learned to ride a...

Bicycle.

Oh, my poor, poor baby.

Oh, I'm so humiliated.

You only love half a man.

Half of you Is 10 times more

Than six other men Cut into thirds.

Why does the thought Of riding a bike Upset you so?

It goes back to one Terrible afternoon

When I was A mere lad of 7.

My father was determined That I would learn To ride a bike.

But I fell 94 times that day,

And that was just trying To put the kickstand up.

Gracious me.

The more I fell, The angrier he got.

So he yelled at me...

And he called me... Wobble boy.

I feel your pain, urkel.

I, too, Have a secret shame.

I was afraid to walk Until I was 10.

I gotta get me Some new friends.

Ta-da!

Ooh, girl, This is a good job.

Thanks. You look Just like halle berry.

Good. An hour ago, I was looking like Chuck berry.

Seriously, girl, This is professional work.

You deserve To get paid.

We're best friends. I can't take Your money.

No one can, 'cause I don't have any.

You really think I'm that good?

It's like You're michelangelo And I'm a ceiling.

Thanks.

You know, I've been Thinking about Something,

And I'd like your Opinion on it.

Oh, sure.

This is what I want To do with my life.

"Learn to drive The big rigs?"

No. The other side.

I want to go To beauty school.

Max, what about Our plans?

Going to the same college, Joining the same sorority?

I was going to be The hotshot lawyer

Who represented Your architectural Firm.

Those plans were good, When we were 12.

I don't think I'll be able To go to college.

My grades Aren't good enough,

And I've applied To 30 schools.

They all turned me down.

I was even rejected By u.O.B.

U.O.B.?

The university of bob.

I think You can do better

Than this silly little Beauty school.

Well, I was accepted To this "Silly little Beauty school."

You were?

That's right, laura.

I love hairdressing, And I'm good at it.

I want to make it My career.

Thanks for The support, friend.

Guten abin, Herr winslow.

Were you two down At the polka hall?

No. Why do you ask?

I thought With those outfits--

Nah, just cruisin' The mall.

Hey, myra. Thanks For walking me home.

Come here, steven.

Myra, what in sam hill-- Myra?

Howdy.

Myra, the big guy's busy,

And he doesn't like To be distracted.

Oh, pish tosh.

I just want to Ask him something.

When you bother him, He gets irritated.

I'm sure we're not Bothering him.

Myra, I really--

Oh, what do you want?

See? I told you. Look. He's mad.

Well, papa winslow,

Steven doesn't know How to ride a bike.

[snickering]

Ha ha har har!

Hoo hoo! Ha ha...

You...Can't...

Haw haw haw haw!

Can't ride a bike?

Steve, they have bears That can ride bikes!

Those are Show business bears.

They're bred for that.

I'm sorry, steve.

It's just rare To find a teenager

Who can't ride a bike.

Then again, You're a very rare teenager.

Mr. Winslow, Occasionally, I'll mince an onion,

But never words. So here goes.

Will you teach My stevie how To ride a bike?

No.

You're refusing?

Don't worry, Sugar giblets.

The big guy Always says no

Until he realizes That you really Need his help.

No.

He's still Refusing.

I know.

That's right.

You are looking at A new and improved

Carl winslow.

I am not Caving in anymore.

I said no, And I really mean no.

But why?

Steve, I have taught you How to drive.

Nearly died.

I taught you how to swim. Almost drowned.

Teach you how to ride a bike? I don't think so.

I think He really means it.

You bet I mean it.

For seven years I've known you, steve urkel.

Seven years you've Talked me into things.

Well, not anymore.

I said no, And I really mean no.

And you know what?

It feels goo-ooo-ood.

I'm free.

Free at last!

Thank god almighty,

I'm free at last!

I see you and maxine Are still fighting.

Is my hair that bad?

No, not at all!

Just tell people You survived a hurricane.

Enough said.

Honey, what's wrong Between you and maxine?

I don't know, ma.

You can't be fighting Over a guy.

She's dating waldo.

All I did was try To give max

Some career tips, And she went ballistic.

What kind of tips?

She's got some silly Idea to go to Beauty school.

So?

What kind of career Choice is that?

A great one!

My hairdresser makes More money than I do.

Really?

Yeah, there's a lot of juice In pushing mousse.

And she loves What she's doing.

But, ma, We had plans.

Our whole lives Were figured out.

Now she's changing Everything

With this ridiculous Hairdressing thing.

Laura, tell me something.

Why do you want To become a lawyer?

Well, because I think I'll be good at it.

I want to make A difference in People's lives.

Do you think maxine Will make a good Hairdresser?

Yeah. I mean, She's gifted.

But how will that Impact people's Lives?

Are you kidding?

Okay, miss hot shot attorney.

Let's say you're About to argue a case

In front of The supreme court,

And it could make Or break your career

And affect the lives Of millions of people.

I'm here to tell you, You won't win that case...

Not with your head Looking like that.

Hi diddley dee, it's me!

Hi diddley doo, it's you.

Steve, you look like A giant pez dispenser.

Let me guess.

You're going to teach Yourself how to ride That bike.

Abso-tutle-lutely.

And I want no comments From the sidelines,

Mr. "Free at last."

Aaaah!

Yeee-oow!

Yeeoop! Waaaah!

Waaah!

Waaah!

I hope myra doesn't want To have kids soon.

Steve, why are you Grabbing your chest?

'cause I don't want The neighbors to know

Where it really hurts.

Yeeeeow!

[mr. Winslow] Steve?

I can't watch this anymore. You're killing me.

How do you think I feel?

Well...

Why don't you give up?

Never!

Failure Is not an option.

No, it's a given.

You may have given up On me, carl winslow,

But I haven't.

You know what it'll say On my tombstone?

"Never gave up. Never stopped.

Went on and on When all hope was gone."

It's gonna be A big stone.

You know, steve,

Your perseverance Has inspired me.

I really want you to learn How to ride this bike.

You do?

Yes. I don't know why, But it's important to me

That you succeed.

I know why. You care about me.

No, that couldn't be it.

Oh, come on. Admit it.

Oh, okay, Maybe I care a little.

I knew it, You big softy.

Don't touch me.

I'll hold the handle bars, And you get on.

Now, steve, The important thing To remember

Is that when you pedal, Try to feel your Balance.

No.

No. Feel your balance, Steve.

No, feel the balance, Steve.

Feel your balance!

That's better.

Okay, here we go.

Go slow. Go slow.

Okay...Okay...

There you go. You got it.

This sure beats Licking cement.

I'll let you go Now, steve. Okay!

Waaah! Nooo! Don't!

That's almost it.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, hey.

Enough small talk. Can we come in?

Sure.

Max-eeeeene?

Listen.

I'm no Dr. Ruth brothers...

And I'm certainly No sally jesse james.

But I do know this--

You two are friends, Best friends,

Like batman and robin.

Only with bosoms.

The point is You had a fight,

And you have to make up.

So bury the egg, Or hatch it.

You know what's scary?

That almost made sense.

Let me guess..

Waldo tricked you Into coming over here.

Sort of.

He said we were going To the movies.

But then he said The name of the film Was laura's house

I'm glad You guys came by...

'cause I've been a jerk.

That almost sounds Like an apology.

It is.

Max, I've been A terrible friend.

You were all excited About beauty school,

And I made fun of it.

Yeah. That really Hurt, laura.

I know.

But I realize

The reason why I said those things.

What was it?

I was scared.

Of what?

Well, if you go To beauty school here

And I go to college Back east,

I'll lose the best friend I ever had.

That'll never Happen, laura.

You know why?

Why?

'cause even jerks Need their hair done.

I'm so sorry.

I know, baby.

[bell rings]

Hey!

I gotta hand it To you, steve.

You ride that bike Like a pro.

Thanks, big guy.

Stay.

Heh heh heh. Snort.

You know, steve, There's an irony here.

There is?

Mm-hmm.

I got my brand-new car The same week

That you learned How to ride a bike.

Ordinarily, that would be A recipe for disaster.

But, hey, You're a demon on wheels,

And my car is still In showroom condition.

Yes, life is good.

I pedaled down To the patent office And registered this.

What's that?

The urkel Super duck call.

Why, this baby Attracts ducks

Like Nobody's business.

Well, steve, heh heh,

This time of year, There aren't any ducks

Around here for 500 miles.

Ah. Not yet. Give her a try.

Oh, come on! Go ahead. Go ahead.

[quack]

Go ahead. Come on. One more.

[quaa-aaa-aack]

[quack quack quack]

[quack quack quack]

[quacking gets louder]

Look what you did.

[sweet georgie brown Plays]