Original subtitles

Women send them Love letters,

Sneak into Their hotel rooms.

Who are they?

They're Beatles impersonators.

So, the ladies Are really hot For you guys...

Oh, sure.

You expect it When you

Look this much like Paul mccartney.

Wow, he's good.

Thirsty?

No, I believe it's friday.

No. Are you thirsty?

No, I'm waldo.

Man, I'm going To the kitchen.

Would you get me Something to drink?

Do you have Bizarre love problems?

No.

Do you know Someone who does?

Hmm...

If you know someone With bizarre love problems,

Call this number. We'd love to hear about it.

Cool.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Hello, baby.

Hi, hon.

H-harriette, Har-har-har,

Stop--stop--stop-- Stop that!

I'm watching The news, sweetie.

Carl, the news is on For another half hour.

So.

So, this Flimsy little thing

Won't keep me warm For another half hour.

I'm cold.

Well,

Put on a robe, Sweetie.

Harriette!

Carl winslow, You've got to be

The most Unromantic man I have ever met!

Now, what are you Talking about?

Carl, I'm saying I want you and me To...Cuddle.

Don't you want To cuddle?

Yes, sweetheart, I want to cuddle,

A-and we'll Cuddle like crazy Right after the news.

Ow!

Oh, harriette,

Why did the kids Agree to go on This talk show?

Two reasons--

They get to be On television

And Free t-shirts.

Oh! Oh...

Oh! It's starting.

Ever loved someone Who didn't love you back?

Our guests today Are real experts In unrequited love.

Our topic today is...

"I worship the ground You walk on...

"...But you treat me Like the mud between your toes."

Let's get started!

Our first guest Is an american original...

This guy has loved one girl With all his heart

Ever since kindergarten.

Awwww!

But she wouldn't give him

The time of day In a clock shop.

Boooo!

Let's meet...Steve urkel!

[applause]

Howdy.

Steve, tell us about This girl you love So deeply.

I'd love to, tiff.

I've loved Laura lee winslow Ever since...

Whoa!

Tell me, steve, Why doesn't laura Go for you?

She says she Doesn't find me Attractive.

Awwww!

But what woman Could turn down This?

Oop! Hold on. We have a question.

Uh, yeah.

If laura Won't go out with you

Does that mean You don't date?

Why, no, sirree, bob.

I date a sweet thing I like to call... Myra.

Whoo!

Would you like to meet The two women In steve's life?

Let's bring 'em out!

First, say hello To laura winslow!

Whooo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

So many handsome guys.

Um, which one's My camera?

Hey, mom! Hey, grandma!

Now let's meet The other woman In steve's life.

Say hello to myra Boutros boutros Monkhouse!

[applause]

Myra! Myra! Myra! Myra! Myra! Myra!

Tiffany, I love your show,

But I have to Know something.

How do you manage To stay so trim?

Isn't she trim, everyone?

Now, steve, you love myra...

Oh, yes, Yes, yes, yes.

Why, She's my little Bowl of custard.

But you love laura, too.

Oh, Abso-tootle-lutely.

You never Stop loving Your first love.

Myra, that would make Many women jealous.

Not me. Steve is a genius,

But he's always Confused love

With pity for chubby girls Who can't hold a man.

[audience] Whoo!

Look who's talking...

The eighth dwarf,

Busty!

[tiffany] Girls!

Girls!

Okay...

Okay,

I know What you're thinking--

Another love triangle.

I've seen it on sally,

Taped it on oprah.

Well, buckle up.

'cause we're taking A white-knuckle ride To loopy land.

Steve...

Do you always Look like this?

No, ma'am. I can alter my dna

And change myself Into a completely Different person.

You don't just mean Change your voice And clothes...

Uh-uh-uh.

I change myself On the molecular level.

You see, I cease being steve urkel,

And I become...

Stefan urquelle.

Ho! Come to me, baby!

Oh...I--I like stefan.

Well, we'll be back

And watch steve's dna Go daffy!

An amazing high-tech Makeover! Okay?

[applause]

We're about to meet

Steve urkel's Charismatic alter ego,

Stefan urquelle...

Whooo!

Steve, tell us about This fascinating device.

Well,

This baby here is My transformation chamber.

It electrostatically Alters my chromosomes.

Wow.

I will load the chamber With a secret formula

I like to call... A boss sauce.

Listen, steve, Before you Do that...

Shh...I'm going To pour it.

Now, if you will kindly Pull down on this lever,

I'll be back in a flash.

[whirring]

[whirring]

[ding]

[audience] Whooo! Whooo!

What an Attractive audience.

Hey, after the show, Let's exchange Phone numbers

And keep in touch.

Whooo!

Don't you want to Leave teeth marks All over him?

It's been quite a while Since you've seen stefan.

What do you have to say?

Hello, baby.

[audience] Whooo!

I missed you, too.

Uh-uh. Mm-mm.

Any questions for stefan?

Stefan,

You're so handsome And smooth--

Thank you. Et tous Est tres jolie, Ma chere.

Thanks, but why Would you go back

To being that nerdy Steve urkel?

Hey, if my man steve Is happy being Who he is,

Then, in my book, That makes him cool.

I'm sorry. Don't be mad.

Um, stefan!

Stefan!

Do you wear Boxers or briefs?

Neither.

[audience] Whoooo!

Oh, lord! 555-6722!

Call me, baby.

Okay...Four people, Two love triangles...

But there's more.

There's another winslow

Who is the object Of unrequited love...

Say hello to laura's Big brother...Eddie!

Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!

[applause]

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Welcome, eddie.

Did you know that A certain young lady

Has a very big crush On you?

Only one?

Would you like to meet Your admirer?

Well, in The immortal words Of mr. Marvin gaye,

"Let's get it on!"

Folks, all the way From biloxi, mississippi...

Oh, no!

Steve's cousin, Myrtle urkel!

Whoooo!

Myrtle! Myrtle! Myrtle!

Myrtle! Myrtle! Myrtle!

Oh...

Hello, delicious.

How about A big, juicy kiss?

In your dreams, Myrtle.

Oh, why, you've been Having them, too?

What was I wearing?

A toe tag!

What a clever jest.

Hoo hoo hoo [snort snort]

Now you lean back And feast your eyes

On a visual smorgasbord Of womanly wiles.

Hit it, boys.

[belly dance music plays]

Whoa!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Myrtle! For the last time!

I have absolutely No romantic interest In you whatsoever.

Oh, fiddle-de-dee.

Don't you just love it When he plays hard to get?

His lips quiver Like a wounded trout.

** ** **

Look, I have had it. I want my stevie back.

How long do I Have to sit next to This armani knockoff?

Hey, hey, hey. Chill, baby.

Yeah, watch it, girl.

Don't you go trashin' My man.

He's not your man.

He's a microwaved Version of my man!

Lookit here--

[both girls arguing]

Cool it!

You guys are good friends,

But do you act Like it? No!

You come on national tv And yell at each other.

You know our guests?

No, I'm their friend.

I'm waldo geraldo faldo.

I called your show and Suggested my friends Come on it.

Well, waldo, Talk to your friends.

Tell them What's in your heart.

Okay.

Guys, way deep down In your spleen,

You all care About each other.

You see, Life is short...

And so is gary coleman.

It's like rodney king said,

"Can't we all Just sing a song?"

Here's the bottom skinny--

Find ways to heal each other,

Instead of hurt.

[audience] Awww!

He's right.

Yeah.

Let's heed the words Of the waldo man.

May they echo In the mind

And live In the heart.

I really would like for Us to be friends, laura.

Me, too.

Myrtle, you and I Could get along Just fine

If you'd just Slow down...

And stay In your own state.

Oh, I knew you loved me.

I'm wearing you down, Dumpling!

I'm wearing you down!

** ** **

That's so beautiful.

People needing people.

That's what this show Is all about.

Tomorrow on tiffany...

Transvestite Tugboat captains

And the women Who love them!

Ciao now!

Good evening.

Carl?

The new carl.

And you...

Are the lady...

Of my dreams.

[piano intro plays]

* why do birds *

* suddenly appear *

* every time You are near? *

* just like me *

* they long to be *

* close *

* to you *

* on the day That you were born *

* the angels got together *

* and decided to create A dream come true *

* so they sprinkled Moondust in your hair *

* and golden starlight In your eyes *

* so true *

* ohh *

* that's why all *

* all the guys in town *

* follow you *

* all around *

* just like me *

* they long to be *

* close *

* to you *

* just like me *

* they long to be *

* oh, so very close *

I love you, Mrs. Winslow.

* to you **

Excuse me, excuse me. I forgot my sweater.

Oh, thank you. How kind of you.

Wh-what are you doing?

Whoa!