Original subtitles

Steve, your taxi's here.

Steve is actually going To russia for an entire week!

Pinch me, laura. I must be dreaming.

Das vedanya, winslowskis.

I'm all set to go-skis.

Hee hee hee! [snort]

Steve, are we going

To miss that laugh, Or what?

Better get going, steve.

Wouldn't want you To be late.

Oh! You guys Are wonderful!

Do I feel a group hug Coming on?

Not really. Uh, no. I don't think so.

Goodbye, winslows.

And remember, even though We'll be separated

By--

A-ha! Hey!

A-ha! Hey!

A-ha! Hey!

A-ha! Hey!

A-ha! Hey!

Ah--hey!

Hi, y'all.

Myrtle?

Myrtle urkel?

In the flesh, big daddy.

Oh, why, thank you For the party.

But however did you know I was coming?

Hoo hoo hoo hoo! [snort snort]

Myrtle, you just missed Your cousin steve.

He went to russia To visit his parents.

If you hurry, You might catch him.

Better yet, you can go To russia with him.

Don't be silly, darlings.

I'm not here to visit Little ol' steve.

[together] You're not?

Oh, heaven's no.

Why, I'm in this fine Yankee city

To peruse A higher institution Of learning.

I want To make sure my mind Is as well-developed

As my body.

Myrtle, what college Are you here to see?

Illinois occidental University.

I.O.U.?

Hey, that's Eddie's college.

Bingo.

What a delightfully Delicious coinky-dink.

Hmm. I wonder, do they Allow married couples

To pose together In the yearbook?

Myrtle, what are You majoring in?

Your son.

Ooh hoo hoo hoo hoo!

And speaking of delicious,

Where is that big bucket Of bodacious beef?

Oh, edward, dumpling! Edward!

Uh--uh--uh, Myrtle, myrtle,

Myrtle, myrtle,

Edward is out Right now,

Which gives you Plenty of time

To find yourself A nice hotel.

There's a real Nice one...

In st. Louis.

We'd ask you To stay with us,

But you'd Be uncomfortable.

Oh, well, thank you For asking, harriette!

Oh, I'd just love To stay with you!

Man! I just played one Of the best games

Of my entire--

Oh, no.

Well, hello there.

M-myrtle?

Mmm!

Yum!

How is my handsome Hunk of hominy?

Oh...I've been better.

Whoo! Just hearing your voice

Ignites the briquettes Of my love barbecue.

I'm sure eddie Feels the same way, Myrtle.

Well, edward,

As you can plainly see,

I am no longer A freckle-faced Little schoolgirl.

I have grown into a...

Woman.

Oh, I wear lingerie now.

I'm talking red.

I'm talking frilly.

I'm talking...

* peekaboo **

Uh, come on, myrtle.

I guess you'll Be staying in my room.

Oh, edward, My little hushpuppy,

Our long separation Has only fanned the flames

Of my desire for you.

I'm sorry, but I just Don't feel the same way.

Oh, rest assured you will.

Why, I'm pulling out All the stops, baby.

And believe you me,

The grits are Going to hit the fan.

These will go nicely In my room.

Harriette, I am cursed by urkels.

No sooner does steve leave, Then myrtle shows up!

Yeah. It's like Losing a hangnail

And gaining a boil.

[garbage disposal whirrs]

Aw, man!

What happened?

The garbage disposal Blew up!

Move for a minute. Hang on.

[disposal grinds]

Yep. It's busted, Alright.

Harriette, will you Call somebody to fix it, Please?

Carl, why is it always My job to do this?

Because, sweetheart, That's what you do.

And you do it so well.

I trust you completely.

I'm a nineties kinda guy.

Unfortunately, It's the 1890s.

1, 1-2.

Boom, boom. Hey, hey, hey.

We're number one, And we know it.

Hey, hey.

Hey, you're number two And you show it.

Hey. And show it.

And show it. Hey.

Vanderbilt's insane.

Cougars can't hang.

If you don't like us, You will lose this game.

Boom, boom.

Can I shake my booty With you gals?

Well, uh... Well, uh...

Sure!

Pep squads from all corners Of our great nation

Should share their Cheerleading skills.

Well, put your perky gear In park, sister.

Now step aside and watch A real woman shake Her pompoms.

Hushpuppies, grits, Sweet potato pie.

We're going to win, Or we're going to die.

Hubba-hubba, Watch it, bubba.

Time to retreat.

Central boll weevil Can't be beat!

Oh! That was wonderiffic!

That was...

What was that?

Hello, girls.

Hey, everybody.

Who...Is...This?

Myrtle, this is My girlfriend.

Greta.

[gasping]

Girlfriend?

[snaps]

[snaps]

What is your problem?

Nothing. I was just wondering What eddie sees in you.

And I was wondering Why you weren't home Watching hee haw.

I'm taping it, you tramp.

Who are you calling A tramp, elly may?

You, you certified, Citified floozy.

Oh!

Put me down!

I'm going to put This woman in her place!

My place is with eddie.

Yours is next to a truck.

Now go on, girl!

Greta! Greta! Stop that! Stop that!

Calm down. Alright, I'm calm.

What is That girl's problem?

Uh...Myrtle's psycho.

No, she's worse Than psycho.

She's an urkel!

If she puts any more Moves on you,

I'll slap the ugly Off of her.

That could take A whole lot of slapping.

Besides, you don't have Anything to worry about.

I'm 100 percent yours.

You better be.

Man.

This is so ironic.

What is?

Well, we came here To be alone,

But your place has More people in it Than mine.

I know.

We never get to be alone.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

We own a summer house On delmonico island.

You do? Yeah.

And this time of year, The island is deserted.

Ooh...

Mmm hmm hmm hmm.

I was thinking...

Wouldn't it be nice To have

A romantic Candlelight dinner

Down at the end Of our dock?

Go with that, baby.

So, what if This saturday

You meet me there At 7:00?

I'm there. Can I bring dessert?

No, 'cause this is Going to be dessert.

What was that?

Ow!

I guess it was love, Baby!

Hi, honey.

Hey, sweetheart.

I am starving.

What's for dinner?

Chicken surprise.

Hey, what's The surprise?

The chicken's Waiting for us At the restaurant.

Hey.

What's this?

That's the estimate To repair The garbage disposal.

$200?

Yeah. The guy said We need a new motor.

But, harriette, $200?

What is the motor Made out of, gold?

I don't know. I thought $200 sounded fair.

Well, Sure it sounds fair

To somebody Being hoodwinked.

Harriette, You are letting this guy Take advantage of you.

You know, carl, you asked me To take care of that.

So?

So I called the guy. That's the estimate He gave me.

So?

So now you're Not satisfied,

And you say I got hoodwinked.

So?

So now you can Take care of it yourself.

So?

So you're driving me Nuts, carl!

So?

Oh!

Isn't this nice?

A-hoy, baby.

Your captain of love Is here!

Aye, aye, cap'n.

All hands on deck.

What are you doing here? Where is greta?

Oh, she won't be Coming tonight.

Well, why not?

It seems someone Replaced her shampoo

With her depilatory.

She won't be coming out For months.

Look, myrtle, you're Way out of line here.

I just love it When you get angry.

Your eyes flicker Like fireflies.

Myrtle, will you Listen to me?

Nothing can ever Happen between us.

I'm just not Attracted to you.

Mm-mm-mm.

Being with that greta girl Has obviously dulled Your senses.

Allow me to sharpen them.

This is what Men in prison Dream about.

Huh. Only the lifers.

Now, I'm in love With greta.

Oh, fiddle-dee-dee.

That's because You've never been

With a mint-julep, Sweet-as-a-tulip,

Southern fried, Never-been-tried Doll baby.

[clang]

Yo, I'm outta here.

Well, if you're In that much of a hurry,

Take this outboard Engine with you.

Oops.

I broke your dinghy.

Are you nuts?

That was a rental!

Supper time.

Shall we start With sushi?

Sweetheart, I've got Something that's going

To put a smile On your face.

Come on.

Ta-da!

What's that?

This, my dear,

Is a high-tech, cutting edge Garbage management system.

This is the amazing New sink weasel.

Sink weasel?

The sink weasel!

This baby not only Decimates your garbage,

Purifies your water, And dispenses your soap.

It also gives you Instant hot water!

For your tea, your coffee,

And your various Soup-like substances.

Exactly how much Did this sink weasel Cost us?

Heh heh heh heh!

Pennies a day, Harriette.

Pennies a day.

How many pennies, carl?

Heh heh heh.

$800 worth.

But look. It has A free sink strainer.

Carl!

You got mad at me Over a $200 motor,

And then you go Right behind my back

And spend $800 For a weasel?

But--but honey,

This makes the sink Smell lemony.

You know what else Makes the sink Smell lemony, carl?

A lemon, carl!

A lemon!

Harriette, You seem upset.

Carl, I am upset.

But more than upset, I'm hurt.

Hurt?

But...

Honey, why?

Carl...

When you saw my estimate For that garbage disposal,

You talked Down to me.

You made me feel small.

That hurt, carl.

I supposed to be Your partner in life.

Your friend.

I don't deserve to be Treated like that.

Oh...

Honey, there's a reason Why I did that.

Oh?

What is it?

I'm an idiot.

Honey...

I didn't mean To hurt your feelings.

Baby you are My partner in life.

You know what else?

You are My very best friend In this whole world.

I love you, Mrs. Winslow.

I love you, too, Mr. Winslow.

Come here.

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Damn, this is good.

Mmm-mm!

Biscuit?

Mm-hmm!

Land o' goshen.

I just love To watch a man

Suck down his vittles.

Myrtle, You sure can cook.

You going To finish that?

Help yourself,

But make sure to save Room for dessert.

What's for dessert?

Me.

Don't fight it, eddie.

You've got "Kiss me" Written all over your face.

What?

That's barbecue sauce!

Enough dilly-dallying!

Edward, one kiss from me, And you'll be mine forever.

Look, myrtle, Stop that!

Get away!

Now come here, boy!

I'm not playing With you, myrtle.

I'm not kidding With you, myrtle.

Get back! Stay away from--

Look--

Come here!

Whoa!

Oh, help! Help! I can't swim!

Oh, man!

Help!

Oh, help, eddie!

Eddie!

Eddie! Eddie!

Oh!

Eddie! Help!

Hold still!

Hold still! Don't--

Eddie! Eddie!

Eddie! Come here!

Hold on!

Hold on! Hold on!

Oh, eddie! Eddie!

Myrtle!

Eddie! Eddie!

Oh, eddie!

Eddie, help! Eddie!

Oh, eddie, hurry!

These fishes are looking Up my underthings.

Eddie! Oh!

Eddie!

Oh! Oh!

Ooh!

Heavens to betsy!

I nearly met my maker!

Yeah. Glad you're okay.

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Eddie, you saved me.

Why...You risked Your life to save mine.

No. It just looked That way.

Now where were we?

Oh, that's right.

You were about To kiss me.

What the heck? I might as well.

Kiss me?

No. Swim home. It's only 5 miles.

Eddie!

Silly boy.

He actually thinks I can't swim.

I'm coming, eddie!

Oh, thank you, winslows, For your hospitality.

Now, remember, if you ever Sashay on down to biloxi,

Be sure to stop by Urkel oaks,

'cause we know how To get funky.

Alrighty.

Bye, myrtle.

Bye.

Yeah, myrtle, bye. Yeah. So long, myrtle

Aaaahhh!

Hey! A-ha!

Hey! A-ha!

Hey! A-ha!

Hey! A-ha!

Hey! A-ha!

Hey! A-ha!

Hey! A-ha!

Hey! A-ha!

I'm back!

Ah... Hey...

Oh! A party for me?

Well, how did you know I was coming back early?

Well, let's get down!

A-ha! Hey!

A-ha!

Hey! A-ha! A-ha...Yeah.