Original subtitles

"Come live with me And be my love,

"And we will All the pleasures prove

"That hills and valleys, Dales and fields

Or woods Or steepy mountain yields."

[fake snoring]

Very funny.

Can any Of you rhodes scholars

Tell me who wrote This poem?

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Besides steve.

Laura? Christopher marlowe.

She's right.

Chris wrote it in 1589

In london In a two-room flat,

Just after dining On a boiled potato And a beet.

Right, as usual, Mr. Urkel.

Class, I have An announcement to make.

I'm going to be absent For the next two days

While I undergo Some elective surgery.

Congratulations On your new hair plugs, sir.

[laughter]

Principal shimata and I Have conferred

And decided That rather than bring in A substitute teacher

Who isn't familiar With the material,

We'd like steve urkel To teach the class.

No! No! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Steve?

You mean We're going to learn Romantic poetry

From mr. Ha ha! Snort snort?

I'm honored, donald.

Why, I'll do my best In your absence.

I know you will.

Here's The lesson plan.

Okey-dokey, poetry fans,

Our reading assignment For tomorrow is--

[bell rings]

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Watch it!

Oh! That's my head. Oh!

And chapter 23.

Hi, mom.

Oh, hey, sweetie.

[richie] Hi, aunt harriette.

Carl, this place looks like It's been hit by a hurricane.

Sweetheart, You're exaggerating.

Downgrade that hurricane To a tropical storm.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha! Ha ha!

Any way you look at it,

The storm clouds Are gathering.

I'd love to stay For the argument,

But I think I'd better Practice dialing 911.

Hasta la see ya.

I guess I'll go Play crazy eights With my hamster.

You promised me You were going to Help out around here.

Oh, well, Sweetheart, I am,

And the best way That I can help out

Is to get out of the way while You do your thing, babe.

While I do my thing?

Carl, we've gone over this 100 times.

I've asked you to help out, You say you will,

And I end up doing it All by myself.

Well, sweetheart, Is it my fault

You don't wait Long enough?

Wait? For what,

The fruit flies to build A condo in the sink?

Well, excuuuse me, Harriette,

But I work A 50-hour week.

When I come home, I'm bone tired.

Carl, I work, too,

And I'm way past Bone tired.

I need a nap To get to bone tired.

It's not fair For you to expect me

To do the bulk Of the housework.

Well, I don't Expect it.

Women Doing housework--

Well, that's The natural order Of things.

Oh, really?

Sure.

It's genetic.

Women have What you call The kitty-cat gene.

They have A low tolerance To clutter.

Ladies like things Neat and clean And tidy.

You see, men On the other hand,

Don't have The kitty-cat gene.

We not only Tolerate clutter,

We cherish it.

We enjoy it.

We revel in it.

Carl, were you shot In the head at work today?

You don't get my point?

No, because I don't Have what you have.

What's that?

The jackass gene!

Settle down. Settle down. Settle down.

Let's get in our seats.

Alrighty...

Good morning, class.

[yelling]

I see.

No apple for the teacher?

[laughter]

Go! Man!

Thank you.

Today we're going To be studying the sonnets

Of the immortal bard, William shakespeare.

William was born In stratford...

Mr. Robbins, You're late.

You care to Tell us why?

Yeah. I was letting the air Out of your tires

And lost track of time.

Well, that's no excuse.

Even vandals Should be punctual.

Now, grab Your poetry books, class,

And open them to page 52.

[groaning]

Urkel, no can do. I forgot my book.

Oh, for pete's sake.

You only have two things To remember--

Your books and the name Of your parole officer.

I know ludke Keeps spare books

In the top right drawer.

If you keep this up,

You won't graduate Until you're eligible For social security.

[laughter]

That was not funny!

You could poke a guy's Eyes out with those things.

You'd better get back To teaching

Before they pants you.

Okay, okay.

Now, here's one Of my favorites--

William shakespeare's Sonnet number 18.

Oh, man.

"Shall I compare thee To a summer's day?

"Thou art more temperate,

More lovely--"

Okay, that does it!

I'm officially steamed!

Hey, don't worry.

I'll clean you off.

Okay! Okay!

Big mistake, kissel!

I'm writing you up.

Why, you're about to become Mayor of detention city.

[grunting]

I see.

It's the old "Super-glue The substitute teacher

To the multipurpose Aluminum chair" trick.

Seen it a thousand times.

Kissel, robbins, Both of you...

In the corner And face the wall.

And think about The error of your ways.

I don't think so.

[gasps]

You defy me? Flaunt my authority?

Oh, no, mr. Urkel,

We would never Flaunt your authority. Right, kissel?

Yeah, that's right.

Get your hands Off me.

You thugs! You hooligans! Whoa!

[cheering]

We look up to you.

Ha ha ha.

You punks want To play rough, huh?

Well, you're going To be clapping erasers After school.

Yeah, right.

Hey, everybody, Class is dismissed.

[cheering]

No! No!

Hey! No!

No.

Hi, honey.

I'm in a dream.

Or in The wrong house.

Isn't it great?

Freshly scrubbed floors,

Squeaky-clean windows,

And a gourmet feast.

Carl, this is wonderful.

Well, you said You needed help,

So I, The big kahuna,

Saw to it that you,

The lovely Mrs. Kahuna, Got that help.

I hired a maid.

You what?

Oh, tawny! Could you Come in here, please?

Tawny?

Yes, mr. Winslow?

Tawny, I'd like you To meet my wife Harriette.

How do, I'm sure.

Mm-hmm.

Would you like me To draw your bath now?

Ooh. Sounds good, Tawn.

Carl... Huh?

The big kahuna Is in deep poi.

[bell rings]

Laura, where's My stevie?

I don't know. He wasn't at lunch, And it was his favorite--

Squid a la king.

After what we did To him yesterday,

I'll bet jerkel's A no-show.

I say we wait 10 seconds, And then bail.

Hello, class.

Ooh! It's stefan.

What are you doing here,

And what have you done With my stevie?

Well, I guess you Could say I'm your...

Substitute's substitute.

Yesterday, my alter ego Steve urkel

Had a little problem Handling this class,

So he asked me...

To pinch hit, So to speak.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay, class, let's do That learnin' thing.

Let's open our hearts, Our souls, and our books

To page 47.

Ha ha ha ha!

Mr. Robbins...

Do we have a problem?

Yeah. Poetry makes me hurl.

Ahh. I see.

Well, let me Tell you something, My friend.

If you're going To do something,

Do it right.

See here.

Alright.

Oh, great. Now I don't Have a pencil.

Oh, that's no problem.

[cheering and laughing]

Take your pick.

Now, remember, kids... Don't try this at home.

Now, what page were We turning to again?

[females] 47.

Right.

Alright...

Ah. Here's a great poem By izumi shikibu.

"In this world, Love has no color,

Yet how deeply my body Has been stained by yours."

Mmm. Lick a stamp And mail that to me.

This is a waste of time.

Who cares About some stupid poem?

Shut up! Shut up!

Chill, chill, chill. Just relax.

You see, ladies, The free exchange of ideas

Is what learning's All about.

You know what I think, Robbins?

What?

I think there's Too little romance

In this crazy, Cockeyed world.

It's my belief That a woman likes to be...

Wooed.

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

Romance is for wusses.

Oh, really?

Well, there's A school dance coming up,

And it's no secret That you've got a thing For the divine donna.

Oh, jeez!

Have you asked donna To the dance yet?

Yeah.

And what did The delicate flower say?

Well, she said...

"Bite me."

[laughter]

Ouch.

But I'm curious...

How did you ask her?

First he tells me I got broccoli In my teeth.

Then he says, "Hey, "You, you want to go

To the dance And bump butts?"

Sounds to me Like you could use

A crash course In romance.

Come with me, my man.

Uh...What are You doing?

Changing your life.

Read this to donna.

I really don't think--

Go ahead, read it.

"Donna, If I could--"

No, no, no, no, No, no, no.

You've got to be smooth.

Smooth.

Gaze into her eyes.

Put some feeling Into it.

Ahem.

"If I could touch Your hand,

"My love would soar.

"If I could touch Your heart,

"It would mean far more.

"If the music Played,

"And you chose me First,

Only that would Quench this Lover's thirst."

Pick me up at 7:00.

Alright! Ha ha ha.

Hey, uh, stefan...

Uh...I don't have a date.

Can you show me How to be romantic?

Don't worry, my man.

We'll work on it.

Laura...

I'd like for you To stay after class.

Why? Was I bad?

Mmm. Not yet.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hey, honey.

Hey...

Do I smell...

Roast leg of lamb,

Potatoes au gratin,

Buttermilk biscuits, And brownies?

That's right. All your faves.

Oh, that tawny is a gem.

Yep.

She's also history.

So you went on ahead And fired her, huh?

No, I didn't have to.

She quit.

Quit?

Well, if she quit,

Then who cooked The lamb?

Oh, geoffrey!

Geoffrey?

Yes, mrs. Winslow?

This is my husband carl.

Carl...

This is geoffrey.

That's geoffrey With a "G."

How do you do, sir?

What did you do,

Strangle the lamb Yourself?

Well, geoffrey does have Very strong hands.

Gave me a wonderful neck rub This afternoon.

He, what?

Madame is looking Tight again.

Rub away, geoffrey.

Mmm.

Ohh.

Eee. Eee.

Ohh.

Ohh! No, no, No, no, no.

Oh, no.

You're out of here, pal.

Excuse me?

You heard me, Geoffrey with a "G."

You are fired With an "F."

What is so funny?

I'll see you later, Harriette.

Okay, kenny. Thanks a lot.

Kenny?

What's going on here?

He works In the stockroom At ferguson's.

Very nice Young man.

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

Harriette, you set me up.

Oh, yeah.

And very well, I might add.

You see, carl...

I was Very uncomfortable

Having A beautiful woman Work as our maid,

How matter how good She was.

You're right, sweetheart I should have done

What you asked me to do In the first place--

Help out around here.

That's right.

You know, all that stuff About the kitty-cat gene,

I made up, you know.

No!

You forgive me?

You're forgiven.

But, you know,

I could be Your geoffrey.

Ahem.

I could be Your tawny.

Want a neck rub?

After I draw Your bath.

Where you going?

Before I can Truly be geoffrey,

I got to be carl And eat that dinner.

Okay, rich, We're almost done.

Can I ask a big favor, uncle Carl?

Sure.

When you do another One of these,

Don't make me Do it with you.

I couldn't believe it.

[carl] Hey, ma. Hiya, stefan.

Oh, carl. You missed A great boyz ii men Concert.

Estelle got us Front-row seats.

How did you work that?

Well, their manager Is in my archery class.

Oh.

Ha ha. Well, I've been working

On this thing On and off

For eight months, And I'm finally Finished.

Oh, congratulations, b.G.

Capital capitol.

Well, if you'll Excuse me,

It's time for me To go change.

Clothes?

No, Personalities.

Once again, stefan Becomes steve.

Time to pack away The armani

And strap on The suspenders.

Oh, stefan, Can't you hang Around for...

A few more years?

Arrivederci, Cara mia.

Later, little guy.

Be good, b.G. Hey.

I'm back.

Oh, no! Steve!

Steve! Steve!

Wait! Oh, steve. Oh, steve.

Look, why don't you wait Over there, steve? Yes.

Well. I nearly caused A calamity.

You sure did.

Oh! Oh!

Look what you did.