Original subtitles

Ta-da!

Whoa!

Honey!

Bacon, eggs, Hash browns,

And homemade Biscuits.

Sweetheart, I love it.

Wait a minute.

Did you wreck The car again?

Carl, there's No ulterior motive.

It's simply an I-love-you breakfast.

Well, I love you, too, Sweetheart,

And I'm sorry For being so suspicious.

Oh, that's okay.

I invited my boss To your poker game.

I knew there were Some strings attached.

But, carl, my boss Loves to play poker.

You need another player, And I want to suck up.

Harriet, I Hardly know the guy.

Carl, if I have to Go back and tell my boss

That he can't play,

He's going to be Very unhappy with me.

Oh, alright. Alright, he can play.

Thank you, carl. I owe you big time.

You can start By getting me Another biscuit.

Ah! Can't. Late for work.

Steve?

Live and in person.

Why aren't these bugs Under a rock,

Where they belong?

Oh, because bugs 'n' hugs Is coming to see them.

Bugs 'n' hugs?

She's a bug collector I met over the internet.

Wait a minute.

You insect people Get together on Your computers?

Oh, yes.

We even have Our own chat room.

It's called the beehive.

I met Bugs 'n' hugs there.

Her real name Is agnes pritzker.

Agnes?

Ooh.

Woof woof woof!

Bow wow.

[panting]

Now stop that.

Agnes is going To be here,

And she's coming To swap critters.

Oh, well, I'd love to stay And meet your bug chick,

But I got to go do... Anything else.

Well, don't you worry, My little dung beetle.

You're not going, You're just for showing.

[doorbell rings]

Steven urkel?

Y-y-yowsir!

I'm agnes.

Hold the mayo!

You're bugs 'n' hugs?

Hee hee. That's right,

And you must be...

Larva dude.

Abso-tootle-lutely!

Why...

Is anything wrong? No.

It's just that I've never Seen a bug collector

With shaved legs before.

You've never met A female bug collector?

Oh, plenty, just not one With shaved legs.

Oh, wow!

Ohh! Oh!

Your suprimus fambiatis Is magnificent!

Oh, thank you.

I take pride in My carrion clown beetle.

Where did you find it?

Okay, okay, Okay, okay, okay.

In a dead fish On a river bank

Right next To a badger dropping Shortly after brunch.

Oh, you are so lucky.

Okay, yes, yes, yes.

Would you consider Trading your clown beetle

For a chrysafora Chrysachloa?

Ohh! Why, you have A glorious scarab?

Mm-hmm.

This little fella Dropped out of a tree

And landed...

Right here.

Lucky bug.

So, do we have a trade?

Is the jerusalem cricket A ground dweller?

Great!

Well...

Well.

I'd better run. I'm late for a party.

Well, uh, thanks For coming by.

Oh, my pleasure. It was nice to see the face

That goes with The screen name.

Nice to see your face

And all that great stuff That holds it up.

Oh...

That is so sweet.

Agnes? Yes?

I hope I'm not Being too forward,

But you sure are A pretty lady.

Why, thank you...

And that wasn't Forward at all.

No?

Mm-mmm.

And I happen to think...

That you...

Are a very Attractive guy.

You do?

[deep voice] Thank you.

You know, it's strange. We just met,

But I feel this--this...

Chemistry between us.

Me, too.

It's like...

An electricity!

You know what I think?

What?

It's passion.

Oh, my.

Sometimes...

Passion needs To be expressed.

Your eyes...

See only you.

Oh, your body.

Is here for you.

Your lips.

Are aching to be kissed.

Steve.

Steve! Huh? Huh? Oh, uh, wha?

I said I guess I'd better run.

I'm late for a party.

Oh. Oh, right. Yes.

Thank--p-party.

Yes. Oh, I just--

Was wondering.

It was nice to meet you, Larva dude.

It was nice meeting You, too, bugs 'n' hugs.

Bye.

Whoa.

So where's This neidermeyer Guy?

Oh, he'll be here Any minute.

Hey, and, guys, remember, He's my wife's boss,

So be nice to him.

How come? You're my boss.

I ain't nice To you.

Well, that's 'cause you Don't know any better.

You guys bust me up.

Couple of kookie wackies For sure.

[knock on door]

Oh.

Carl! Yeah?

Nick neidermeyer. Sorry I'm late.

Stopped off To get a pizza.

Oh, great. Where is it?

Ate it.

Hey, pigeons!

Nick neidermeyer. I'll Spell it for you later

When you write me Those hefty checks!

Heh heh heh!

I have choked On my chicklets.

Nick, this is Sergeant willie tannen.

Hi, willie.

And this--heh heh--

This is my neighbor Zoohair bhutto.

Zoohair bhutto?

That's not a name! That's an eye chart!

Is this guy trying To pull my neck?

Well, this is--this Is charlie sullivan,

The assistant coroner.

Two more murders, And I get my 300 Dead guy pin.

Yeah. Good luck.

Enough chitchat! Let's play poker!

Great. Alright.

Okay, fellas, the stakes Are 50 cents, a dollar,

And $5.00 On the last card.

Wuss stakes! Come on.

Let's put some serious Money on the table.

Uh, no. This is just A friendly game.

Where's the booze?

There isn't any. It's a dry friendly game.

You mean, I have to look at Your sorry pusses sober?

Ha ha ha!

Can I deal? Thanks.

Ahem.

I see your 5...

And raise you 5.

Ah, I fold.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

What is so funny?

All I had was a 10 high.

What'd you have?

Pair of kings!

Ha!

I bluffed you, pal!

You should Have stayed in.

Ha ha ha!

Well, thanks for Pointing that out, nick.

You know, I may have To rename my house Chateau winslow...

Because you're Buying it for me!

Ha ha ha!

This game has Taken a dark turn.

So, carl, How's the game going?

Oh, just fine, Sweetheart.

Just fine.

Are we in The same game?

He's a loud, Stinky man.

Relax, zoohair.

It's just like I told my wife.

Everything is just fine.

[squeaky music plays]

* *

* * * *

* * * *

* *

* * * *

* *

* * * *

* *

Hey, steve.

How'd you know It was me?

Lucky guess.

Oh, laura.

* *

* *

* *

* *

I need some advice.

Here's some. Burn the slippers.

No.

I cheated on myra.

You found another woman Willing to touch you?

Yes, and her name Is agnes pritzker.

Agnes pritzker?

Don't let The name fool you.

Why, she's A humma-humma, Whoa-mama,

Strip-search-me Doll baby.

And a woman like that

Is interested in you Because...

Well, we both love bugs.

She came over To trade some,

And, then, bam! I got hot.

* *

* *

You got hot?

Oh, laura...

I'm so ashamed.

Oh, the things I did with agnes...

In my naughty, Naughty mind.

Wait a minute. Back up.

* * * *

Did you say In your mind?

Oh, yes.

I never actually Did anything with agnes.

I imagined it.

Then you didn't Cheat on myra.

Oh, but I did.

I lusted in my heart.

Steve, everyone Has fantasies.

Have you ever had Fantasies about me?

[chuckling]

Oh, you're so crazy!

Ooh.

Well, come on.

You've had to have At least one fantasy.

You're right.

I did.

Really?

Yeah. Oh.

You were waving to me...

Ooh.

From the back Of a moving van.

Hardee har har.

* *

* * * *

[music slowly stops]

If you really feel like You've done something wrong,

Then I think you should tell Her and get it off your chest.

But I might lose her.

That's just a chance You'll have to take,

That's the only way you'll Be able to live with yourself.

You're right, laura.

I'm going to tell myra, But if she dumps me...

Will you be my sweetie?

Ha ha ha!

Boy, you Are really a trip.

Go ahead. Think it over.

I bet 5.

Call.

3 kings.

Ooh.

Ha ha ha! Good.

But!

Not good enough.

A flush.

Ha ha ha!

Ah, you know, Carl, you've got The wrong last name.

It shouldn't be winslow. It should be wins-never!

Ha ha ha!

Okay, guys, let's Pony up for the food.

How much is it again?

5 bucks each.

That's not fair.

Why not? Well, look at you.

I could live a year On just what you spill.

Ooh.

Ha ha ha!

Well, hey! Hey!

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Carl...

Carl! Huh?

Do I really have To put in 5 bucks For refreshments?

Nick, if you feel That's too much,

Just put in whatever makes You feel comfortable.

Well, how about...

Nothing!

That'd make me feel Real comfortable.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha.

[sighs]

Oh, it's such A romantic night--

The stars, The full moon,

You know...

I'm sorry, Banana butt...

But...

I'm preoccupied.

I have a confession To make.

What is it?

I met a girl. Ohh! No.

Her name is agnes.

Agnes...

That's a stupid name.

I met her On my computer.

Oh...

An internet tramp.

No. She came over To trade bugs,

But the thing is...

She was devastatingly Gorgeous.

What?

The next thing I knew, I was picturing myself

Giving her A big juicy kiss.

You what? Whoa!

Steven q. Urkel, Front and center.

Now, myra, please, Calm down.

Myra, what--whoo!

Myra, please Just calm down.

My-my-myra don't Make me use this.

Whoo! Whoo!

My-my-my-- Ooh, my-my-my--

My--

My--

Myra, myra, Now you seem upset.

Upset?

Just because You're fantasizing

About some Cyberspace hussy?

Myra!

Why, you're lucky That wasn't lit.

Why, you're lucky That wasn't you!

Whoo! Myra. My--ooh!

Wha--whoo!

Myra. My-my-mmm-myra.

Myra. Myra. Myra. Uhh!

Myra.

Uhh! Phh!

Houston, We have a problem.

M-m-myra--whoo!

Whoo!

Heh-eh... Steven?

Steven? Uh, uh, uh...

I-I said...

I imagined myself giving Agnes a big, juicy kiss.

Oh...

No biggie.

Come again?

Steven, you're A strapping young man With raging desires,

And I can't control Your fantasies,

But if you ever Act on them,

I'll mail your ears Home to mama.

Owie.

After all...

You're a macho pinata With big prizes inside,

And I'm not The only gal in line To smack you.

Too true. Too true.

And besides...

My job is to make sure You're real life

Is a whole lot hotter

Than your Bug bimbo fantasies.

So the black guy turns To the pakistani guy And says,

"Not in my neighborhood You don't!"

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Not in my neigh--

You guys will come to appreciate My sense of humor

As the weeks go by.

Ha ha ha.

Mr. Neidermeyer?

Huh?

The only thing that's Going to go by is you.

Bye.

Huh?

Carl was nice enough To invite you into his game,

And you've been acting Like a jackass.

Now, honey...

It's really okay.

No, it's not okay, Carl.

I kept quiet Last week

And I haven't said Anything tonight!

This poker game Is important to you.

And I've messed it up By inviting this windbag!

Whoo whoo whoo!

Whoo whoo whoo!

Do I have to remind you Who you're talking to?

No, you don't have to Remind me of nothing.

You may be my boss, but that Does not give you the right

To come into my home And be obnoxious

To my husband And his friends.

So go ahead. Fire me!

But you'll never play In this game again.

You go, girl!

Believe me, I would fire you,

If I wasn't Being transferred.

Holy.

Transferred?

Uh...

They're moving me to The automotive department.

So you, uh, Can't fire me?

That's right.

Oh, so you...

Have no authority Over my wife whatsoever?

None.

Heh heh heh heh.

Honey, I, uh, think Nick needs a napkin.

Oh, sweetheart.

Mmm. I do believe You're right.

Heh heh heh.

There we go.

Watch that there.

Ah, there you go.

Okay, gentlemen, Game is seven stud,

High-low split, Aces swing,

Wild cards Are one-eyed jack

And the man With the ax.

Lady for the man.

Cop takes a bullet.

King for my king.

Zoohair's looking For a pair.

And little old three For little old me.

Bet's to the bullet.

It's like playing With maverick.