Original subtitles

i'm feeling so high now why

i'm feeling on top of the world

why

i'm feeling on top of the

world

I'm feeling it.

What are you watching, Al?

This is the episode where Marcia gets hit in the nose with a football.

You're watching the Brady Bunch again.

I would be eating dinner, but I don't see any food on the table.

You know we didn't have enough money for groceries this week.

If you stopped buying all those lottery tickets, we'd have enough money for

food.

Borrow as in never pay me back?

Isn't that what borrow means?

Kelly, money doesn't grow on trees.

Plus, you don't have a job.

That's right, Kelly. Times are tough.

And your father's getting too old to hold down more than one job.

Dad, why don't you just tell Kelly to get the money from one of the grease

she dates?

That's a good idea.

I don't date grease balls.

I forgot. You only get escaped convicts and bikers.

Enough of Kelly's hobbies.

We need to have an important family meeting.

The last time you called an important family meeting, Bud got yelled at for

trimming his pubic hairs in the sink.

Aw, jeez, Kelly.

Thanks for that heartwarming memory.

Kids, listen up. Your father has something pointless to say.

With the economy and the shitter.

And nobody here having a job except me.

We're going to need to cut back on our spending.

But, Daddy, I have to get my hair done.

Yeah, and I want to buy Jane Fonda's workout tape.

And I was going to buy Jessica Murdoch a necklace.

But Jessica Murdoch is a whore. Any girl that forgets to put on panties but

remembers to wear a necklace is a whore.

But, Dad, Kelly never wears panties.

Bud, stop looking up your sister's skirt.

Don't I answer your sister for calling her a whore?

Well, Peg, if the shoe fits.

Kelly, your brother's sorry.

I guess we can all tighten up our belts a little bit.

Until your father finds a second job.

I know money is tight, and I promised not to buy so many lottery tickets.

So can we fool around now?

Oh, Peg, I'm just not in the mood.

Besides, I just found one of your red pubic hairs in the bed.

It's kind of disgusting.

But, Al, I'm horny.

Sorry, sweetie, but little Al can't come up to play tonight.

You're going to have to just use your crotch rocks.

Well, it won't be the first time.

in a room masturbating and she woke me up.

Yeah, I asked him for the money, but he doesn't have it right now.

Look, I know you need to get your motorcycle seat repaired, but you're

going to have to ask another slut for the money.

Please shut the fuck up. I'm trying to sleep.

And I'm trying to have an orgasm.

Come on, bud.

Nobody can outsmart the Illinois State Lottery.

No, it's true. She's been working on a system for the past five years.

Son, what's that got to do with us?

Well, you remember my friend, Vinnie Delfini.

That fat, ugly Italian?

Yes, him.

Well, his sister, Jenny Delfini, works at the Illinois State Lottery.

And she says that every once in a while, she can predict the numbers.

That's impossible.

She's impossible.

You should see her trying to squeeze 250 pounds into that French leotard.

As much as I love fat jokes, Pumpkin, why would she give us the winning

numbers?

Well, other than the fact that I'm impossibly handsome and that she wants

have my baby.

Yes, son.

Other than the obvious.

Well, if she wins, she would lose her job and she'd have to forfeit the money.

All we have to do is pay her $1 ,000.

and she'll split the winnings with us. A thousand dollars?

Yeah, to win a million.

Aw, geez, it's so easy. Why have I been wasting my time working so hard these

past 20 years?

Come on, Al. Your prayers might have just been answered.

No, I don't think so.

Why not?

Well, because you're still here.

Hey,

Jenny. Yeah, this is Bud Bundy.

Hey, I spoke to my parents, and they're ready to give you the thousand bucks.

Well, my dad's going to refinance the house.

No, no, they're not going to tell anyone.

Great, I'll see you soon.

News at 10 starts now.

We will announce today's Illinois State Lottery numbers later in the show.

Peg, do you have three double -D batteries I could borrow for an hour?

Sorry, Marcy. I burned mine out last night.

Oh, there you are, Steve.

I need you to come home and do some work for me.

But, honey, I'm watching the news without.

Well, as soon as that news is over, you need to come home and service me like a

good little... What,

do I have to?

Yes, you do.

Steve. If I didn't need mine, I'd go ahead and lend you my balls.

Grow a pair, for God's sake.

In a few minutes, we'll announce today's winning lottery numbers.

Al,

where's Kelly?

She's going to miss the announcement for the winning lottery numbers.

Here are today's winning Illinois state lottery numbers.

Five, 18, 36, 21,

and 29.

Did we win?

Did he say 21 or 29?

I think he said 29.

No, no, he said 21.

Once again, those winning numbers are five.

21 and 29.

Good luck.

I'm no mathematician, but holy fucking shit, I think we just won a million

dollars.

I

don't

think I'll be able to sleep tonight.

Honey. In the morning, I'll stop by the lottery office on the way to work.

You're not thinking of keeping your job.

Honey, I've heard of past winners losing their minds and spending all their

money. We need to be prudent and not get carried away.

Yeah, bud.

I could totally see you driving a black Porsche.

Yeah, Kel.

And I can see you with your own condo down next to Lake Michigan.

Really? Yeah.

Now that we have money, I'm going to go get a massage every day.

You should come with me.

Really? What would I do there?

There's a lot of pretty girls at the massage parlor. And they love men with

money. I'll make an appointment tomorrow.

After all, we're rich.

We're rich. We're rich. We're rich. We're rich. We're rich. We're rich.

rich.

Hey, listen, bud. I really appreciate you treating me to this massage.

No problem. After all, I am a millionaire.

Hello, boys.

I'm Jessica.

Which one of you first?

Hey, aren't you Bud Bundy?

I saw you on TV. You won the lottery.

Yes, that would be me.

Do you want me to give you a massage?

I'll make love.

It's a happy ending.

Uh, you know what?

Why don't you take care of my friend Chris here first?

Okay, bud.

Well, once I'm finished, Kitty will come out and take care of you.

Sounds good to me.

Come with me. Take off your clothes and get naked.

Can you make sure to give him the deluxe massage?

Yes, I can.

Oh, this place is amazing.

Okay, bud, let me go get cleaned up, and Kitty will be right out for you.

Will Kitty give me a happy ending, too?

Kitty will give you everything you want.

Just get up on the table and get naked for her.

That feels fantastic.

All for you, baby.

Hey, after you stuff my car, could you sit on my face?

I'd love to.

no, I'm just a regular working class stiff from Chicago.

No, no, I just played our regular lottery numbers and we got lucky.

No, I'm not going to quit my day job.

I'm just a hell of a guy like that.

Well, we did actually go splurge on a 40 foot yacht and we're going to take it

to Hawaii.

Yeah.

Oh, look at Al basking in the national media spotlight.

No, I can hardly believe it. But I actually feel like having sex with him.

I know just how you feel. The smell of money really brings out the animal in

Well, thanks for calling.

No, no, no problem at all.

Hello?

Hugh Hefner?

No, of course I read Playboy.

For the articles, honey.

I'd love to come to the mansion.

And pick up the next playmate, of course.

Wonderful.

See you soon.

Thanks for calling, Mr. Hafner.

I can't take it anymore. I need to have sex right now, Steve.

Come on, honey. I guess she won't be needing those batteries.

Okay, Steve, I need you to service me completely.

But honey, the Bundys won the lottery, not us.

I don't care, Steve. The thought of all that money and those winning numbers

makes me want to inhale your cock, so whip it out.

But honey, I'm not a machine.

Five.

Yes.

How does that pussy feel?

Yeah. Oh, shit. Yes.

Oh, that's good.

Open your mouth. Uh -huh. Give it to me.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah. Mm.

Oh, yeah.

Let's hit you. Grab it. Jerk it. Jerk it. Jerk it with your hand. Please.

Stroke it. It's still coming out. It's still coming out. Yeah. Mm -hmm. Oh, my

God. Oh, yes.

Mm -hmm. Oh, God. Mm -hmm.

Oh,

yeah. Mm -hmm. Yes.

Mm -hmm. God, that feels so good.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah.

How does it go?

I've got those in blue, green, and white.

Really? I'll take them all.

Did you know I just won a million dollars in the lottery?

And you stayed so humble and kept this shitty job.

I mean, that's just the kind of wonderful guy I am.

Well, then make love to me right in the store.

You won't tell my wife, will you? No way.

How far can I go with this fantasy?

All the way.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

up at the travel agency and booked our flights to Hawaii.

Oh, that's terrific.

Don't forget to pack suntan lotion.

Can my new boyfriend come with us?

Does he have a job?

No, he's unemployed.

Sure, why not? The more the merrier.

Daddy, can I buy my other boyfriend a new motorcycle seat for his birthday?

Of course, pumpkin.

And I booked his dinner at the Chateau Francois.

Well, how wonderful and thoughtful.

catch up with you guys later.

I have to meet this guy.

Kelly, you do whatever makes you happy.

Really? You mean that?

Uh, Dad, I don't think you should have said that.

But it's only money.

Well, if that's the case, can I have $200? I want to go hook up with Mary

McNeil. And is she that pretty girl from your school that got arrested for

prostitution?

Peg, she was never convicted.

Here you go, bud. Have a good time.

My clitoris are so big!

Not a problem.

Wow

Amen.

You got my money?

Yeah.

Right here.

$200.

If you want to lick my asshole, it's an extra $50.

Sure. Why not?

It's only money.

Let's have dessert.

Does that feel good?

Yeah.

Oh,

you feel like you're going to be a big boy.

Yeah.

You want me to play with it, don't

you? Yeah.

You want me to suck it? Yeah.

Ladies first, right?

Of course.

No, it's it's really okay. I do this all my dad's a few salesmen

Good baby.

Yeah.

Yeah, you think you want to jump in your deck? Yes.

It's really bad.

Yeah. It looks like the whore from behind.

Come on.

Can you get it?

probably just wanted to know if we wanted an escort or something.

I don't know, Al. There was a guy in a black suit and he wasn't smiling.

Hmm. That's odd.

Associate Commissioner for the Illinois State Lottery.

Thank you for the million dollars, Mr. Binner.

Come over here and sit down.

Well, that's why I'm here.

I'm afraid we're going to have to put a freeze on your winnings.

Wait! A freeze?

But what kind of a freeze?

The kind of freeze that doesn't thaw out, sweetie.

Now, wait a minute here.

What are you talking about?

I've discovered certain allegations and frauds.

and I have reason to believe that you are part of the scam.

Do you know a girl by the name of Jenny Delfini?

You mean that fat, disgusting Italian chick?

Actually, Dad, Jenny's not all that fat compared to this girl I met at the

massage shop.

Mr.

Bittner, what does this have to do with us?

Well, we know that Miss Delfini supplied you with the winning numbers, and now I

want you to return all the money paid out.

But we've... it all.

This is just what I've been waiting for. Now I can really make a name for

myself. Wait till they hear about this down in the office.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You mean no one else knows about this? Kelly, stay out of this.

Daddy, Mr. Ventress, can I talk to you alone for a minute outside?

Yes, of course.

are you guys busted.

You're going to make us pay back all that money we spent.

I don't know about that, Dad.

Bud, what are they doing?

It looks like they're getting into the back seat of Mr. Venture's car.

He probably just wanted to talk to him in private or something.

If that were even remotely true.

considered your case. And although you won't be getting another check from the

Illinois State Office, you won't have to pay back the money you owe.

Oh, that's wonderful!

Bundy, your daughter's ass saved your ass.

I'll see you Friday night. I look forward to it, Edgar.

It happens.

All that I need.

You're the way that comes to me. And that's why I feel it.

I'm feeling on top of the world And that's why

I'm feeling on top of the world