Original subtitles

(humming)

- Okay, just stay calm, Gerald, stay calm.

(humming)

Ah, just pick something and close the door.

- Guys, guys, look what happened.

I have peach fuzz on my face, peach fuzz, see?

- Congratulations Ubuntu.

This is your first step into manhood.

The other steps are a lot more fun

and usually involve strippers.

- You are becoming a man.

In your native Africa, there would be a wonderful

culturally relative scarification

or body mutilation ritual but we're stuck here in America.

So a first shave is a perfect way

to commemorate your transition.

- Shave me, Daddy.

- I'd better handle this one.

If he needs help shaving his legs, he'll come to you.

- We've got a problem out here.

People were honking at me but I figured

they just agreed with our bumper stickers.

- I'll call the tow company.

- What kind of man doesn't know how to change a tire?

- Dad, changing a tire doesn't make you a man.

Now changing the world...

- Yeah, yeah, bottom line is your boy

is becoming a man and I'm the one

who needs to show him the way.

- Ubuntu is becoming a man?

What exactly did you see?

- Peach fuzz, feel it.

- You sure you weren't kissing bunnies

at the pet store again?

- It's for real.

Good thing Grandpa Charlie's here to teach him the ropes.

- I don't want my dad teaching our son about manhood.

Shaving is the Trojan horse he's going to use

to sneak in and corrupt Ubuntu.

Remember when Dad took care of Chay?

- Get it while it's bloody.

What?

- It took nearly a week of soy enemas

for Chay to come back to his senses.

- Mm-hmm and now he's more committed

to a vegan lifestyle than ever.

- Done.

- Thanks for fixing the tire, Trish.

It's so good to have a friend in the biz.

Oh hi Mo, are you working here now too?

- No, I'm more of a fan.

I just love the smell.

- Hey ma.

- What?

- No ma, not mom.

- What?

- Got any money, I need to hit the drug store

for some peroxide.

My girlfriend says my tongue ring's infected again.

- Oh God, ew, get away from me Kevin.

Pig.

- Get a room, you two.

It's like they never broke up.

- Ew!

(laughing)

- They grow up so fast.

- That's why.

Well, we haven't told anyone else this but,

we're gonna have another baby.

- I had a feeling when I saw you

but I didn't want to say anything

in case you weren't pregnant.

That would be so embarrassing.

- I'm not pregnant.

- I was talking about Trish.

- I'm not either.

- See, Gerald?

- We're still trying to get up the courage

to ask a sperm donor.

It's kind of an awkward subject to approach.

- What about Kevin's biological father?

- Kevin was an accident.

- How is that possible?

- You guys are great parents.

I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding a donor.

- We'd like it to be someone we feel close to.

- I am so happy!

- Now do you accept competitor's coupons

and do you consider a dry cleaner a competitor?

- So Gerald, what do you think

about Mo and Trisha's proposition?

- Great, just great.

You know I always say,

more gay couples should have children.

- Yeah, if I were Kevin's moms,

I'd want a do-over too.

- I'm so proud of you Gerald Goode.

- Well, thank you but.

(yells) (tires screeching)

Oh my God, Mo and Trish want my sperm!

(upbeat music)

(energetic music)

(singing in foreign language)

♪ The Goode Family ♪

- I'm so excited!

Giving a baby to a gay couple is one of the

greatest things any human being can do.

Margo's gonna crap herself when I tell her.

- Oh God, this is a nightmare.

My ex-boyfriend is going to be my half brother?

Are you trying to screw me up?

- We haven't really decided yet.

- Are you kidding?

This is the kind of thing you guys live for.

Look at mom right now!

I'd better find a way to deal with Kevin.

- Let's keep this between us.

Mo and Trish might not want the whole

neighborhood to know.

- What do Mo and Trish not want the whole

neighborhood to know?

- Gerald is donating sperm to our lesbian friends

so they can have a baby.

- Please, Helen.

- I know a place that gives you 70 bucks a visit.

Paid for my truck and the boat that's hitched to it.

- That's a lot of visits.

- $70, huh?

- Did I hear you say you're giving Mo and Trish a baby?

- We're not sure...

- Yes.

- If you give it to them, Gerald, you can't take it back.

Like the watering can.

- Hey if you guys are just giving out babies, I'll take one.

A child will solve all my problems.

- Go, go, Ubuntu needs a new pair of clogs.

Oh, I win!

Grandpa, call our bookie.

- I'm on it!

- Mom, Dad, Grandpa's teaching me how to invest in horses.

- Gambling on animals?

- Real men will gamble on anything.

- Charlie, I never gamble.

- My point exactly.

A real man grabs life by the nicks.

He starts the day on the floor of the drunk tank

and ends it on a bed in a bordello.

He gets a hernia and he doesn't get it treated

until his stomach drops out of his thigh.

- Cool.

- A real man gives lesbians his seed

to father a child for them.

Like Gerald is doing for Mo and Trish.

- Helen!

- That's so awesome.

- No, it isn't!

Strippers are awesome.

- I'm gonna have a little half brother!

I need to make him a card.

- Are you sure that being a donor

for Mo and Trish is the right thing to do?

- Gerald, this is the perfect way to show Ubuntu

that real manhood is not about selfishness

but about selflessness.

You'll get absolutely no pleasure

but potential responsibilities.

Talk about leading by example, huh?

- Well that does sound right.

- Helen, this should interest you.

The Greenville art council just tapped me

to curate this year's irreverent and courageous...

- Gerald is giving his sperm to our lesbian friends

so they can have a baby.

- Damn it, Kent, I can't do everything!

(humming happily)

(kissing)

- Kevin, we need to talk.

I just wanted to say some things have changed

and I think we should try to be friends.

You know, in case we ever become related or something.

- Oh, so you wanna marry me, huh?

- Ew, no.

- How bout you get the hell out of here

before I bust you up.

- Fight, fight, fight, fight, kiss, fight, fight, fight!

- Look, nitro burning funny cars.

- Hey, guys.

Mo, put on some pants.

Gerald and Helen are here and they bought booze.

- Mo, Trish, we have good news.

Helen and I have discussed it and well, our answer is yes!

(screaming in joy)

- Yes to what?

- To what?

Well to giving you a baby.

(laughing)

- Gerald, no offense, but we may not want to have a girl.

- Well, we're looking for a man's man, no offense.

- Well I appreciate that you keep saying no offense

but it might be easier if you just stopped insulting me.

- I'm confused, you said it was awkward to ask.

- And getting more awkward by the minute.

(laughing)

- Not a man's man?

I get hit on by men all the time.

- They're talking nonsense, Gerald.

They're lesbians!

Their view of masculinity is skewed.

The important thing is that Ubuntu can't find out

or we'll lose him to Charlie forever.

- Find out what?

- Nothing.

- Mo and Trish don't think I'm manly enough

to give them a baby.

Isn't that crazy?

Isn't it?

- I don't know, Gerald.

You do wear women's jeans.

- I have a wide pelvis.

- Gerald, you carry pepper spray in your bag.

- So no one thinks I'm manly.

Penny?

- Well you always treat me with respect and equality.

You know, like a sissy.

- Hmm.

- Hi Mom, hi Dad.

Were Mo and Trish super happy about having your baby?

- Well Ubuntu, let's just say...

- Yes, they were downright giddy.

So Ubuntu, ready to get shaving?

Because your father is ready to teach you.

- Yes, let's go...

- He can't shave yet!

He has to wait till the beard and mustache connect.

Every guy knows that.

Women are like underwear, you should change 'em

every three days.

- Gerald, this is terrible.

We can't let this happen.

Can you imagine if that old buzzard

gets his talents into our Ubuntu?

(evil laughing)

- [Women] Chug it, chug, chug!

- Sell, buy, sell, buy, sell, buy, sell, buy!

(evil laughing)

- Oh God, what do we do?

- There's only one thing that's gonna trump Charlie

and we know what that is.

You have to father Mo and Trisha's baby.

- But they don't want to have my baby.

- Oh they will.

(cool music)

- I feel silly, Helen.

- Listen, Gerald.

Your job is to stay silent and nod.

And put this down your pants.

- Helen, size doesn't matter.

You explained that to me on our fourth date.

- I know that and you know that

but lesbians don't know that.

Now do it for Ubuntu.

- Hey Helen.

Gerald, is that you?

Is everything okay with the tires?

- The tires are fine but after we got home last night,

Gerald and I kinda ruined the shocks

if you know what I mean.

- We had car sex.

(screams)

Oh.

- That's his mating call.

Not now big guy!

He's probably gonna see if the vending machine

has beer or tools.

Men and their tools (laughs).

(Gerald screams)

- Is that a squash?

- Yo, Ubuntu, I think your sister's still into me.

- Really?

You should date her, she's a wonderful person.

- Yeah but I'm still chilling with Amber.

She buys me stuff.

- My grandpa says a real man can have

as many girls as he wants.

God put them on Earth to make men happy.

- I do deserve to be happy.

- See ya, Daddy.

Grandpa's taking me to the news stand

so I can decide what my gentleman's magazine

of choice is gonna be.

- I like Dwell but...

- We're talking about nudie magazines, Gerald.

- Bye Dad.

- I used to get Chocolate Nurse Magazine

but they heavily edited my letters

so I canceled my subscription.

- I feel so lost, Helen.

I know Charlie isn't the answer to showing Ubuntu

how to be a man but now I'm not sure I am either.

I'm gonna go draw a bath.

- Stop right there, Gerald.

You are a man.

You've just lost your confidence.

But I know how you're gonna get it back.

- A drum circle?

- At the learning annex.

- Reawaken your manhood with the ancient

Native American art of drum circling.

- They teach you how to summon the mighty eagle

inside of you.

You're always saying how you wanna do that.

- Well that does sound good.

Is this everybody?

- This it.

You ready to unleash your inner man?

- Okay, let's go back in time when men

sat in circles and told tales of the hunt.

And if you need to go to the bathroom,

you don't need to raise your hand.

(drumming)

- Oh, easy friend.

You wanna leave yourself somewhere to go.

- Wow, I'm really digging this.

It's so raw, so tribal.

- Who are we?

- [Men] We are men!

- Yes, yes, I am a man!

- Good news, Bliss.

We're back on.

- What, ew, I'm not interested in you.

- But are you interested in taking a shower with me.

- You're not listening to me, Kevin.

I hate you.

- There's a fine line between love and hate.

- No, there's not.

You are so vile.

- And now we kiss.

- Ew.

- Bliss?

Bliss?

Hey Amber.

I guess we'll just keep it you and me for now.

(drumming)

- It was amazing, Helen.

I felt so alive in that circle.

- You seem different.

You even smell different.

- I'd say musky.

- Gerald, Ubuntu needs to see you drum

in all your primal glory.

Charlie can never compete with that.

- You're right.

Gambling and pornography have nothing

on the ancient rhythms of the forest.

Nice face paint, Chad.

Did you finally tell your boss how you feel Timothy?

You will.

Hey Franklin, we have to hit the skins hard today.

My son's coming straight from football practice

to watch us.

- Damn, and my carpal tunnel acting up.

Drum it away, Franklin, drum it away.

- Okay, men, let's hit it.

- Step it up, boys.

Drum like thunder.

Now we're hitting it.

- Ladies.

We're in the spreadsheet class next door

and we can't hear ourselves think.

So bring down the tippy tappy to a pitter patter.

You got it?

- Sorry, it won't happen again.

- Wait, we're in a drum circle class.

We shouldn't have to keep it down.

- Oh yeah, I say you do.

So I'm gonna adjust your volume control.

- He done knocked a hole in your drum.

- What do you say?

Your inner man wanna do something about it?

Huh, does it?

- No, I'm sorry, we'll keep it down.

- Thought so.

- Oh God, you guys are gonna Eyes Wide Shut me, aren't ya?

- Dad, I'm connected.

I'm ready to shave.

Teach me, teach me!

- Go with your grandfather.

He can teach you what you need to know.

- So how did it go?

Did Ubuntu like it?

I'm sure he was...

Uh oh, what happened?

- Some spreadsheet bullies broke my drum

and I didn't do anything about it.

- Oh, well restraint and passivism are manly attributes...

- Don't, Helen.

- [Grandpa] Now in a few years, you'll need to learn

how to shave drunk.

- Mo, Trish?

What are you guys doing here?

- Sorry, Gerald.

Kevin climbed up your tree and won't come down.

- [Kevin] And I'm not coming down until Bliss

takes me back or Amber.

- We've never seen him like this.

We don't know what to do.

We can't burn him out.

Can we?

- [Kevin] Ubuntu, you said I could have

as many girls as I wanted and now I have none.

- You said that?

- That's what Grandpa told me, right, Grandpa?

- Damn straight.

- Now I may not know everything about women

but I do know that that is dead wrong.

You should always treat women with respect

and as individuals now come on down.

- [Kevin] I'm not coming down.

My heart is broke over Bliss or Amber.

- Kevin, I know you think you're angry.

But you really aren't.

What you're feeling is sad and rejected

but those are scarier feelings to let out, aren't they?

- Yes.

- It's okay, Kevin.

I always tell Ubuntu that it takes real courage to cry,

especially for a man.

- Oh God.

- Go ahead, let it out.

(Kevin crying)

- I wanna come down.

I don't wanna be alone.

I wanna be with Bliss or Amber.

- Kevin, if you learn how to make a girl feel special

you will never need to worry about being alone.

But you really do need to decide between Amber or Bliss.

- What, no!

- I strongly suggest Amber.

- Amber!

- Wow, Gerald.

That was impressive.

- Manly even?

- In a weird way, yes.

- You know we realize we have our hands full with Kevin

and we'll probably be raising a baby of his anyway.

So we're not gonna have another of our own.

- But if we did, you'd be the type of man

we'd want to be the donor.

- Really?

- Would you two mind telling Margo that?

- Come on Ubuntu, let's leave these crybabies.

It's time to shave.

- No, Charlie.

Ubuntu is my son.

I'll shave him.

Now the first step when shaving is to exfoliate.

- Exfoliate, got it.

With what?

- Well chamomile is not just for tea, son.

Let's turn it up a notch.

- What about the spreadsheet guys?

- Oh, I'm not worried about them.

They come on Wednesdays and Fridays.

(cheers)

- Then I'm taking my shirt off.

(drumming)

(energetic music)

(singing in foreign language)

♪ The Goode Family ♪