Original subtitles

(playful music)

- [Helen] I don't care what anyone says.

Pierce Brosnan was a great James Bond.

- [Ubuntu] Mm-hm.

(dog sniffs)

(dramatic music)

(Helen gasps)

- Oh, my god!

This isn't your vegan dog food.

Oh, you poor boy!

You almost ate meat.

I'm so sorry, Che!

- Look at him.

He's shaking with fear about what he almost did.

(chicken clucking)

- Stop slobbering on my leg!

- Come here.

You can slobber on me.

Ahh.

- Coupons, they're like lottery tickets that always win.

Hey, what do you guys say to dinner at Cranky's?

- But Cranky's is a barbecue restaurant.

- With meat?

- I hear they don't even serve bread

because it's a distraction.

- You'll love Cranky's!

Animals have gotten so much more delicious

since you guys last ate one.

- Relax, everyone.

Cranky's new chili is meatless.

It says so right here.

If a staunch carnivore like Cranky

can add a meatless item to his menu

and print a coupon for it, we need to support him.

- Are you sure you wanna go to that place?

- His slogan is "I hate you."

- He hates me?

(bluesy guitar music)

- Gerald, I don't like it here.

We better open a window.

I think Ubuntu's feeling a little sick

from all the secondhand meat in the air.

(Ubuntu panting)

- What was that?

- It is a corn-hog.

Chunks of burger and steak wrapped in bacon, battered,

deep-fried in pig fat and slathered in barbecue sauce.

Come on, Gerald.

Have a bite.

- (groans) I'll just wait for my meatless chili.

- Cranky!

How about that meatless chili over here?

- The sissy chili will get there

when it gets there, you fat, old maggot!

(patrons laughing)

- You zinged him good, Cranky.

- Touche!

- Cranky, huh?

I'm just not seeing it.

- So you're the infamous Cranky.

Well, you, sir, are as colorful as advertised.

- I hate your creepy little teeth.

- If you, um, want to get on his good side,

compliment him on his chili cook-off awards.

He's very proud of 'em.

- I guess you lesbians think it's funny that for 23 years,

I've never won a single chili cook-off!

You know what I think's funny?

Oh, look, the parking lot's got two mommies!

(both laughing)

- (laughs) Every year he loses the chili cook-off,

he gets a little crankier.

You know, this place used to be called Jeremy's.

Well, by serving meatless chili, he's a winner in my book.

Let's see how it stacks up against my vegan stew.

This is delicious!

- Oh, now you're trying to be funny.

- No, I love it.

This chili will win you that blue ribbon for sure.

You have got to tell me your secret.

- It's simple, idiot.

It's the special sauce I use to marinate the chicken.

(dramatic music)

(Helen gasps

- You put meat in your meatless chili?

- Not meat, you pinhead, chicken!

- But But But I haven't eaten meat in 20 years.

Oh, God!

- Now that's funny!

(upbeat music)

(singing in foreign language)

♪ The Goode Family ♪

(monitors beeping) (Gerald moans)

- Okay, Mr. Goode We pumped your stomach

and evacuated your intestines.

You're gonna be just fine.

Uh, just remember, life is precious.

Suicide prevention?

- Well, the doctors wouldn't pump your stomach

just to get chicken out, so I told them

you swallowed a bottle of painkillers.

- Good work.

You know, this near-death experience has got me thinking.

I cannot let Cranky get away with this.

- Yes, finally!

Some people only understand a good ass-kicking!

- I say we stick his head into one of his pots

and give him a chili swirly!

- Let's sue him!

With the right jury,

we could get seven figures, maybe eight.

We could buy Greenville,

burn it to the ground and start over.

- No.

I'm going to get Cranky to take the chicken

out of his meatless chili.

And he will do that when we change his heart with patient,

compassionate, nonviolent persuasion.

(all groan)

- That never works.

- Gerald... If Gandhi

can get the British out of India,

I can get Cranky to take the chicken out of his chili.

- Look, I love Gandhi.

You love Gandhi.

Everybody loves Gandhi.

- Eh, I've seen better.

- The point is, he took on the British.

Anybody coulda beaten them.

- It's all "please" and "thank you very much" with them.

Cranky ain't no brit.

- Well, Cranky is a pretty tough character, but don't worry.

He's going to have to answer to my poster board and markers.

- Oh, no, Honey.

Not a protest.

- Yes, a protest.

Who's with me?

- Yeah, right.

- (sighs) Fine.

I'll just have to face him mano a mano.

- I think he's short one mano.

- Ah, thank God you showed up, Penny.

Chants always sound better when you can say "we."

- I always wanted to be a crossing guard.

I guess this is as close as I'll ever get.

- Number 27!

I got something for you, too.

(sinister music)

- (gasps) Oh, my God!

You're covered in meat!

- Yes, Cranky seems to have started a contest

called "beef darts", and I'm the target.

But I'm clearly getting to him, and that's a good start.

- Gerald, enough's enough.

- No.

I'm going to shower off this meat and au jus

and go right back and keep the pressure on.

(humming)

♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

♪ This little light of mine ♪

(Che whimpers)

♪ Let it shine ♪

(Che barking)

- Che! (whistles)

Che!

(grunts)

I can't find Che.

I've looked everywhere.

He's gone!

- Are you sure you didn't make him into your bed again?

- That's the first place I look for everything.

- Okay, Che is lost.

Don't worry, we'll find him.

I'll just call your dad and get him to bring the car home

so we can comb the area.

(phone beeping)

- [Gerald] Hello, this is Gerald Goode.

I've gone over my minutes for the month,

so I can't take this call.

I'll get back to you at my earliest...

- Okay, your dad is at his protest.

He'll be home soon.

Until then, we can make fliers, call shelters.

I mean, how long can he spend at his useless protest

before he just gives in?

(kids grunting)

- What do I want?

Chicken out of the meatless chili!

When do I want it, now!

(grunts)

(triumphal music)

- Who the hell's out here?

Hey, you!

Nobody eats my garbage unless they pay for it!

Now you're gonna pay for it.

(Che growling)

Growl at me, will ya?

Nice catch.

Come here.

Here.

(mysterious music)

- Che, Che!

- I should've let him lick me.

- I licked him too much.

Kids, when we play the blame game, no one wins.

Of course, we could cover a hell of a lot more ground

if your father wasn't AWOL with our car.

(phone beeps)

- Cranky's, go to hell.

- Oh, hi, Cranky.

Um, I think my husband may be protesting

outside your restaurant.

I wonder if you could ask him to come to the phone.

Please? - You talking

about the weenie?

- He is not a weenie.

- Say he's a weenie, and I'll put him on.

- Okay, my husband is a weenie.

Now will you put him on?

- Sorry, he left.

But if I see him, I'll tell him you called him a weenie.

(phone rings) - Maybe someone found Che.

- Hello?

- I just found a phone.

So the protest wasn't exactly a slam dunk,

but I have a new idea of how to help change Cranky.

Gerald, we need the car to look for...

- Hey, get away from my desk!

- Thanks for helping us look for our dog, Ray.

Gerald is busy.

- There's a cat.

You want a cat?

- Thanks, but we'll stick with Che.

(car beeps)

- Well, there goes another tank.

- Again?

How many miles a gallon do you get?

- Nine, on the highway.

We're not on the highway.

- Hey, I know him.

Dad's on TV!

Dad's on TV!

He's spreading the word about Che!

The "Average guy" has learned that something stinks

at Cranky's barbecue, and it's not the bathroom

that he charmingly never cleans.

No, it's local buzzkill Gerald Goode,

who is trying to stop Cranky

from finally winning a blue ribbon

at the upcoming chili cook-off next week!

- No, no.

I just want him to take the chicken

out of his meatless chili.

- Uh-huh.

And why on God's green earth would he do that?

- Well, because chicken is meat, and...

- Meat comes from mammals, and chicken comes from birds.

It's a fact.

Look it up.

- I don't know, wow.

That, now that...

- (speaking gibberish) stammer much?

- (laughs) He got flushed.

Sit-in at Cranky's, 5:00.

See you there. - Uh-huh.

- Gerald, caught your act on TV today.

It was a disgrace.

- Yeah, that piece was a little bit slanted.

That's why I'm here, to find some like-minded people

to join me for a sit-in at Cranky's.

- Cranky is a noble savage whose ways should be preserved,

not perverted by your cultural norms.

- He's the only authentic thing in this stupid town,

except me and my friend Drake.

- Che will never find soy kibble out in the wild.

He must be starving.

- That makes two of us.

Who's up for some meatless chili?

(Cranky laughing)

- Excuse me.

Cranky?

That's right, Cranky.

You're the victim of a sit-in.

I'm not leaving until you take the chicken

out of your chili.

- Well, get comfortable, you little gremlin!

I'm not gonna change my meatless chicken chili,

because it's going to finally win me my blue ribbon

in this year's cook-off.

- The cavalry has arrived, and not a moment too soon.

Gerald, we're not here to protest.

Ray's here for some chili, and we're trying to find Che.

He's lost.

- Che's lost? - Yes!

You'd know that if you were actually with your family

instead of wasting your time on a stupid protest.

- Yeah, and by the way, your wife called you a weenie.

- Che! - Oh, there he is.

What are you doing here, boy?

- Here, Che!

Come slobber on me.

It's okay.

- Hey, stay away from my dog!

- Your dog?

This is our dog, Che.

Che, come on.

Come to papa.

- (whistles) Dog, get your butt over here.

- He won't go to you.

He is a vegan.

He is repulsed by you and all that you stand for.

- That's meat!

- He's brainwashed Che!

- Ah, it must be Stockholm syndrome,

where the captives start to identify with their captors.

- Make him stop!

- Who likes meat?

Dog likes meat. (laughs)

- You know, my family tried to tell me

that you were a horrible, despicable man

who could never change, and they were right.

- Because you're a loser!

- I'm not a loser!

- Yes, you are.

You get meaner and more bitter every year

you don't win that chili cook-off.

Well, guess what?

You are never going to win, because you cook

with hate and anger.

(Cranky sputters)

- Uh-oh.

Dad, maybe you should take it back. q

(monitor beeps)

- We're really, really, really sorry

for giving you a heart attack.

Anyway, now that you're completely out of danger,

we just wanted to see how you were doing

and get this little fella.

- Hands off.

He's part of my recovery.

- Which seems to be going like gangbusters.

You look great.

So when you're better, you'll give Che back to us,

right Mr. Cranky?

- Why should I?

- Because he's our dog, and we love him.

He's important to us.

- Well, winning the chili cook-off was important to me,

and you took that away.

This was going to be my year,

because I found the answer, chicken.

It's lighter, so it lets the chili's spices

come to the fore.

But now I'm too weak to compete,

so you're going to compete for me.

- Cook with chicken?

Uh, we're vegans.

We can't do that.

- Sure you can.

You cook my chili for me, with chicken,

get me my blue ribbon, then you can have your dog back.

Well, I guess all we have to do is cook the chili

Cranky's way and get Che back.

Okay, according to Cranky, the best-tasting chickens

are the ones who have been loved,

so he wants us to name them before we slaughter them.

Oh, and here's a helpful tip.

After you kill them, they're gonna want to run around

with their heads off.

Just let 'em.

- This feels wrong.

- Because it is wrong.

- I would've thought giving a guy like Cranky a heart attack

would feel empowering.

But that's just not who we are.

Gerald, maybe Cranky can't be changed,

but we can't let him change us.

- Mom's right.

If we cook his meatless chili with chicken,

we're no better than him.

- And Che wouldn't be any better with us than him.

- He is a sick, twisted man, but what can we do?

- Gerald, all he cares about is winning that blue ribbon.

I know you've got what it takes

to cook award-winning meatless chili, our way, with no meat!

Come on, honey!

- All of this happened because I went off on my own.

If we're gonna get Che back, we have to do it together.

(upbeat samba music)

(midtempo rock guitar music)

Don't look.

Keep your eyes straight ahead.

We just have to get Che back.

- [Announcer] Chili cookers, two minutes till judgment day!

- We can do this, come on!

- Ah, did anyone blanch the kale?

(groans) We should have blanched the kale.

- Gerald, I blanched the kale.

We're gonna be fine.

- Cranky's chili.

Always good, but not good enough.

That's disgusting!

This tastes like a possum barfed up a baby's diaper!

You shouldn't be allowed to call it chili.

It shouldn't even be in the same category

as these other entries!

- You're right, it shouldn't, because this

is completely organic, locally grown,

meat and chicken-free chili.

- Meat and chicken-free?

So you made fish chili?

- No, it's all veggies.

My chili is good for our bodies and our world.

It's flavored with compassion and justice,

and I happen to think that that tastes pretty dang good.

- Eh, the heart association has been threatening

to shut us down.

This might get those drips off our back.

And help us get a liquor license for next year.

- [Judge] And in our newest heart-healthy, meatless,

chickenless, fishless category,

the winner is Cranky's barbecue pit!

(Cranky laughs)

- Congratulations, Cranky.

- Thanks.

But you know, "Cranky" doesn't really fit me anymore.

Call me Jeremy.

- You did it, Gerald.

You got Che back, and you actually changed Cranky.

- We all changed him, together.

- Maybe he's still cranky underneath.

He just needs to get pissed off.

- Hey, Cranky, you didn't really win that blue ribbon.

Gerald did!

You're still a loser!

- (laughs) Good one, Charles.

Now how about some veggie chili on the house?

- Ah, it's just not the same.

- Thanks for comin'.

Have a good day!

- You look great, Jeremy.

How are you feeling?

- Never better, thanks to my new diet.

And even though I'm going to have

a hard time making this month's rent,

I've never been happier.

- Here, Che.

Try some of my veggie chili.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat samba music)

(singing in foreign language)

♪ The Goode family ♪