Original subtitles

(upbeat instrumental music)

- Sculpt from the heart, Ubuntu.

Each piece we make could raise enough

money to save another narwhal.

The unicorn of the sea.

(groans)

- Mine looks nothing like it's supposed to.

- Of course it does, Ubuntu, it looks

exactly like a narwhal ash...

Coffee...

- Toothbrush holder.

It's supposed to be a narwhal toothbrush holder.

I suck at pottery.

(grunts)

Clay...

- Good, Ubuntu, good.

Artists need to express themselves.

Okay you got rid of all that frustration,

now we can get back to...

(grunts)

Doesn't that feel better, I guess...

(objects clatter)

Oh, you still have some more, huh?

- [Helen] Priced to start a bidding war,

how's it going, Bliss?

- Eh, good enough, now I can put saved

the narwhals on my college application,

snag a scholarship, and dodge having

to go to Greenville Community College.

(Ubuntu groans) (clay thuds)

- [Ubuntu] Clay!

- Is everything okay out there?

- Oh yes, everything is fine.

- [Ubuntu] Clays!

- Why, is everything okay in there?

(groans)

- [Announcer] Now returning to our coverage

of the Bass Master's Open.

Williamson is reeling it in, and nothing.

- Damn.

(can shatters)

Woah!

(tires squeal)

(gentle tribal music)

- Ubuntu, there's no need to hide behind

the Punu mask of virility.

- Should be called a Punu mask of sucking at pottery.

And everything else you try and teach me.

It's because I'm adopted.

- Adopted or not, you are a Goode.

- That's right, it all comes down to

nature, versus nurture, Ubuntu.

We just have to nurture you a little more,

and find something that's right for you.

(doorbell rings)

- We found your narwhal toothbrush holder in our yard.

- Keep it, clay pissed me off.

- Apparently your 300 pound kiln pissed you off too.

- Sorry Ray, Ubuntu was just expressing himself.

- Yeah, we saw that.

And we want Ubuntu to express himself on the

varsity football team, with our son, Solosolo.

- You mean tackle football, like in the movies?

- The team does need help, and when

I look at your boy I see a kid with the

hip flection of the silver backed gorilla.

He was born for this sport.

- So you think I won't suck at football?

- Well, we appreciate you stopping by,

but I think we're done here, goodbye.

- What was that Helen, you never slam

the door when you're sober.

- I grew up in a football family,

it turns every one it touches into raging psychotics.

One minute I'm playing with my dolls,

the next I'm dressing Ken as a Raider,

and burning him in effigy, the Goode's are

not a football family.

- Who's Ken?

(upbeat tribal music)

(choir singing in foreign language)

♪ The Goode family ♪

(gentle tribal music)

- Woah, Bliss, that's quite a large

stack of dead trees.

- My college guidance counselor asked

me to bring him a list of my top choices,

so I Googled, not Greenville Community College,

and got a ton of hits.

- Well mock GCC all you like, but it's the

one school where you, as a student, can achieve tenure.

(sighs)

- [Ubuntu] Bye dad.

- Football Now?

- Sorry, everyone in there looks like me.

- I'll tell you what kiddo, after school

why don't you and I check out a football rehearsal?

I'm sure your mom wasn't nearly as

adamant as I remember her being.

- Really, yippee!

- Hey!

- Ow!

- Hey!

- Ow!

- Ubuntu and football.

I just didn't see it.

- I know a 3.7 GPA may not get me

a free ride in the Ivy League, but I'm thinking

an elite liberal arts college near the water?

- Sorry Bliss but this is one of the few

times in history where it's not a plus to be white.

If you're not in the top 5% of your class,

your best hope is that the mall opens a university.

(laughs)

- But a 3.7 is an A-.

I save narwhals, for God's sakes.

- A college credit would look good on your application.

You could try taking a class

at Greenville Community College.

- You want me to take a class at Greenville?

The whole point is to not go there.

This has got to be some kind of trap.

(dramatic orchestral music)

(lightning crackles) (gasps)

(metal gates slam)

How do I get out of here?

- No one ever leaves Greenville Community College.

(gasps) (laughs)

(screams)

(screams)

- Next.

- Hut hut, hey.

- Excuse me.

Mr. Coach, my son, Ubuntu here...

- Good God, please tell me you can maintain

a D average?

- Uh-huh.

- So, you'll let him audition?

- Hell he's on the team.

Lets try you out at left tackle.

Your job is to protect the quarterback.

- Protect, I wanna protect.

- Great, listen up everyone.

This is Umbumshu, or something.

He's our new left tackle.

- Why hello, Ray.

What are you doing here?

- Supporting the local athletic program,

and my gambling habit.

- Hut hut.

Hike!

- Protect.

- Alright!

(players cheer)

- [Player] Yeah!

- Yeah, you're alright, man.

- Daddy!

I'm good at football.

- Hey Gerald, I want you to meet Brian Kennedy.

- The guys call me Bri-Bri.

Man, your kids got some skills, up high.

Don't leave me hanging, stud.

- Oh, oh, well here you go.

- Nicely done.

Say hi to the guys, Ger.

- Hello guys, and Mo, and Trish.

- Yo, Gerald.

I'm glad you finally grew a pair,

and got your boy on the field.

Welcome to the booster club.

- Oh, I don't know about joining anything,

especially without Helen even...

- It's free, Gerald.

- I'm thinking Tac Chowie.

- Bliss, I will not let you change your name,

so you can pretend to be a Native American.

- But mom, colleges go crazy for them.

Red is the new black.

- Why do Indians need to go to college anyway?

You need a degree to plant corn, and deal Blackjack?

- Dad, that's horrible.

You are a horrible, ignorant man,

and clearly you know nothing about Native American culture.

- Actually the preferred term is American Indian.

- When did that happen?

- [Gerald] Helen, we have a surprise for you.

(air horn blares)

Go, Bulldogs!

(shouts) (figurine shatters)

- Tire, tire, tire, tire.

- Damn you Gerald, you've let the genie out

of the bottle, you've turned us into a football family!

- Ubuntu's tried hard to engage in our interests.

I think it's time we engaged in his.

- My grandson, a varsity football player.

Who knew adoption could have a happy ending?

- Mommy, look at my touchdown dance.

(gentle instrumental music)

(crowd cheers and applauds)

- Prayer circle.

- Gerald, you got honors.

- Oh, oh, okay.

Dear higher power guy, or gal.

- His name is Jesus.

- Let me in, what Gerald is trying to say, Lord,

is that we thank you for all your blessings,

and ask that you keep our boys safe, and

help them kick the living crapola out of the Mustangs!

- Amen! - Amen!

(sighs)

- Know what would look good, if you wore this over that.

Hey!

You look like you were born to wear that.

- I know.

- Z 88, trips right, on three.

- [Players] Break!

- I'm gonna need some time, Ubuntu.

- Then time you shall have.

- Chili Bulldog coming through.

- Lovely day for a game, that's all it is.

Nothing to get crazy about.

- Hut hut, hike.

- Protect.

(crowd cheers) (dramatic orchestral music)

- What's happening?

Which one's Ubuntu, is he winning?

(crowd cheers and applauds)

- That's what I'm talking about.

- Hey!

(grumbles)

- Not this again.

Yeah, that's right, this is our house!

Our house!

Bulldogs, number one!

- So Gerald, I stuffed a turkey into a cow,

want a slab?

- Oh, none for me, thanks.

I'm completely stuffed with grapes.

- Ubuntu, I was blown away when

you picked up the backer on that loop.

- By any means necessary.

- You kidding me, my grandson knows how

to block inside out.

- And killer power jab step on that

sweep out of the I formation.

- Who audible the quarterback option

to the weak side when you murped the murped

the murp for a touch murp.

- Murp, murp murp, strong jab step.

- Pulled a murp formation.

- Murp murp, murp, murp, get it.

- Murp till they murp.

And murp the murpity murps.

- Murp, murp, murp.

- And you murp, murp.

- Murp, what do you think, daddy?

- Well I thought we played well

but we just need a better field goalie.

(groans)

(laughs)

- Field goalie.

Ubuntu your old man's a real crack up.

- My head.

My bottom!

- So, you joining us for our father-son pre-game retreat?

- It's a great way to bond with the kids,

but it's fun too.

Bring your gun if you want.

- While that does sound lovely, I...

- Father-son retreat?

Yay!

- Sure.

- Welcome to the club buddy.

- Hey Gerald, you the man.

- Team looks good now, but they're

gonna have their hands full against PS 146 High.

Worst school in the district,

which means great athletes, with nothing to lose.

- Wait, how bad a school are we talking?

Like if someone transferred there with a 3.7,

they'd be the top of their class?

- If they didn't get shot.

(metal detector beeps) (sirens blare)

- And I really feel I'd benefit from

attending a school with such a

rich history, and diverse culture.

(alarm blares)

(taser buzzes)

(laughs)

- I bet you would like that.

Rocket to the top of the class, and have

your pick of any university.

- Well, okay.

I mean, if it goes along with the diversity.

- Other high achievers have had the same idea.

Oh, oh, very nice.

Which is why I must insist on a substantial

transfer fee, to weed out the less motivated.

Here's the wiring instructions,

make sure to get the routing number right.

- I don't have this kind of money.

- Sorry, Ms. Goode, but you're clearly

not PS 146 material.

You could take a class at Greenville Community College.

Anyone can get in there.

(chair buzzes)

(phone beeps)

- Are you the wife of Jim Heller,

the Bobcats football coach?

Well I'm sleeping with your husband.

- Wow, Helen, you are really going all

out to support Ubuntu.

I wish I could just jump into this world

with both feet, like you have.

- Man up Goode, and get your head in the game.

It's not about you, it's about the team.

So suck it up, and do what you have to do.

- You're right.

I need to find a way to connect with these guys.

I know, I'll bring my mandolin to the retreat.

Oh, and my yoga mat.

- Gerald, whatever happens this football season,

just remember I love you.

And you love me, right?

- Are you coming on to me?

- [Players] My team is my best friend!

Bulldogs till we die!

- Yes! - Bulldogs, Bulldogs!

(laughs)

- Bri-Bri, maybe your son needs a hug.

- No, I ain't got a kid on the team.

- You don't have a son, and Ray doesn't?

What about you guys, where's Kevin?

- Kevin thinks football is gay.

- Okay.

Alright everyone, you know what would be really fun?

Yoga.

- I think the Cincinnati Bengals do yoga,

lets do it!

- Yeah!

(group cheers)

- [Helen] This needs blood.

- I can't believe it's come to this,

but I need you to sign my permission form,

so I can take a class at GCC.

It's my only hope of getting a scholarship.

- Now, I have to sign it now?

Homecoming is tomorrow, I have so much to do.

Fine.

- Helen, Go Bulldogs, Goode?

Really?

- So when our boys open their lockers,

they'll find these cute personalized

water bottles wrapped in Bulldog blue cellophane.

(laughs)

- That is so cute.

You know what else is cute?

Losing, we need to get serious.

- Excuse me, Helen...

- Don't use my real name.

- Now this pose is normally called

downward dog, but today I'm calling

it downward Bulldog.

(group cheers and barks)

- Thanks for being a football dad.

- Well, I guess everyone knows what time it is now.

- [Group] Kill, kill, kill!

- Hold on guys, how about instead of kill,

lets chant outplay, outplay?

- No, no, Gerald, it's time for the

annual homecoming tradition, of killing the pig.

- [Mo] Yeah! - [Ray] About time!

- [Trish] Alright!

(ominous instrumental music)

- [Group] Kill, kill, kill!

- I love football!

- I can't let you do that, Bri-Bri.

- Meat is murder.

- Excuse me, we have to kill this pig.

We've been doing it for 50 years,

and in that time, the Bulldogs

haven't lost a homecoming game.

- Be that as it may, you're not doing it this time.

- Actually I am.

- Actually you're not.

- If you're so sure, then what am I doing now?

Come on, you're ruining it.

Let me in there.

(shouts)

- Protect.

(grunts)

(group gasps)

- Alright everyone listen up.

I joined the boosters to support my son, Ubuntu.

And I was willing to put up with the

high five-ing, the buttocks slapping,

and the confusing conversations about

which time a Seuss tells stories with

the happiest endings.

But no longer.

I will not be part of the slaughtering

of this, or any pig.

Wake up little guy.

Go live out the rest of your gentle life in peace.

(pig squeals) (Gerald screams)

Get him off, get him off.

(squeals)

- See this is what happens.

(squeals)

- Shh, little piggy.

Dad, lets go.

It's okay piggy.

- Now lets show some Bulldog pride.

All of you!

Bulldog!

- [Moms] Pride.

- I said Bulldog!

- [Moms] Pride!

- I thought so.

Now lets lay down that spike strip

so the Bob kittens have to walk to the game.

- Helen?

What are you doing?

- Winning, what does it look like?

Hey, you kidnapped the Bobcat's mascot.

Nice work.

- It's not their mascot, it was our sacrificial

pig for victory.

- Then we should kill it.

- Helen, what in the world has gotten into you?

- Love of the game.

Do you have it, do ya?

- No, Helen, I don't.

I tried, but I just can't do it anymore,

and clearly neither can you.

(sighs)

- I tried to warn you.

- I know honey, but it's over.

Ubuntu, I'm sorry, but we just aren't a football family.

(groans)

(Ted clears throat)

- This is intro to personal finance.

I'm Ted Brisk and I've been a professor here

for 15 years, but compared to some of

the faces I see, that makes me a newbie.

(class laughs)

(lightning crackles) (chains rattle)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(fire alarm blares) (screams)

(groans)

- Look, it's the football team, and the boosters.

- On star, on star, we are being attacked.

On star, where are you?

- Ubuntu, we've been looking all over for you.

The game's about to start.

- Sorry, I can't support pig murder.

- Ah man, we were going to state.

- I think there could be a compromise.

- Torture the pig.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

I was thinking if you made the pig your

mascot, instead of killing it, Ubuntu

would be willing to play on the team.

- It's the only way I'll play.

(crowd cheers)

Protect!

(dramatic orchestral music)

(crowd cheers and applauds)

(air horn blares)

- So what do you say, Ger-Ger, you back

with the boosters?

- Well, I do want to support the team,

but there can be no more touching my bottom.

- Okay Gerald, then lets seal the deal, up high.

(groans)

- There you are.

We heard you were involved in a little

incident at the college.

- Yeah.

I kind of lost it.

- It's genetic.

- Well unfortunately there is a zero

tolerance policy for tampering with

the fire alarm, that's how Professor Jenkins

finally got fired, but the school has

agreed not to press charges if you

agree to never step foot on the campus again.

- Really, you mean I couldn't go to

Greenville Community, even if I wanted to?

- Nope.

- Yes, yes!

Yes!

So now what do I do?

(whistle blows)

- What, crap call, ref.

Why don't I just wait in the car?

(crowd cheers) (air horn blares)

(upbeat instrumental music)

(choir singing in foreign language)

♪ The Goode family ♪