Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

- Thank you, all, for coming to

this special art council event.

Milan Croshevitz has bestowed upon us

a piece as moving as it is relevant.

It is my distinct pleasure to present to you "Song."

(people gasping) - Devastating!

- Is it genius?

It sounds genius.

- And in closing, let's offer thanks

to the Greenville Community Art Council.

(people clapping)

Because anyone can create art,

but not just anyone can buy it.

- I should be over there.

I love art.

I care about art.

I majored in art.

Be sure to check out our website tomorrow

to view pictures from the after party.

Hopefully they aren't as incriminating

as the ones from last week's game night.

(people laughing)

Inside joke.

- Every time there's an opening on the art council,

I get shut out.

It doesn't matter what I do

because they don't think I'm cool enough

to hob knob and drink champagne with them.

- First of all, you shouldn't care what they think.

And second, champagne makes you violent.

- Mom, Dad, you know how you wouldn't

let me date Troy because he was 19?

Well, based on your arbitrary guidelines,

I found a new boyfriend who's 16.

And look, there he is.

Kevin!

- What's up dorks?

Okay, you're booger 1, and you're booger 2.

- Kevin drives a truck, and the truck has a gun rack.

Guess what for?

Hunting!

- Now... (people laughing)

Margo!

(cart rattling)

(Kevin chuckles)

I just wanted to say what a great choice you

and the art council made in going

with something from Milan's garbage phase.

- Anyway, we have to walk over there now.

- Margo.

Aren't you gonna introduce us to your friend?

- Of course, forgive me.

Helen, this is doctor Jennifer Wilcox

and this is Souki Law of the Publishing Laws.

Jenn, Souki, Helen.

- We moved here from Manhattan.

- We just bought the most amazing restored Victorian

on 3rd and Welsh.

- Together?

Well, welcome!

I would love to come by and see your place sometime.

- We're actually hosting a game night tonight.

Apparently, it's the thing to do in Greenville.

- Oh, I don't think Helen would be interested in...

- Nice!

Yes, I would love to come!

I accept.

- Hey, booger one, will you buy me beer?

(upbeat music)

(singing in foreign language)

♪ The Goode Family ♪

(light music)

- Oh, I have no idea what kind of housewarming gift

to get for lesbians.

I'd say a Georgia O'Keefe print,

but maybe that's too obvious.

- You wanna know what I find lesbians like?

- Ugh.

Charlie, you don't know what you're talking about.

- I have an extensive video library on the subject.

They like paradise coves and bikin car washes.

Ooh!

You know what else?

Pizza, they order it constantly.

- Well, I just don't understand why

you're putting so much pressure on tonight.

Don't you see what this game night represents?

Jenn and Souki are cool and chic and same sex,

if we become friends with them,

I'll be part of that hip art scene swirl.

- Well, I have always wanted to have lesbian friends.

- It's not as easy as it sounds.

One thing I've noticed about lesbians,

they think everyone's a peeping tom.

- Evening, everybody.

I was wondering if I could catch a ride down to the church.

- Well, sorry, Ray, but we have plans tonight.

Have you tried Citylink?

- I'm not taking the bus.

I need a designated driver.

It's bingo night, and I usually get pretty hammered.

- They allow drinking at the church?

- No, that's why I load up before I go.

- Driver?

I'll drive!

I just gave the hybrid a tune-up.

- Let me grab my tapes.

Hope you like charley pride.

- I like all pride.

African pride, Chicano pride.

(upbeat music)

- [Man] N-12.

(light music)

- So this is where God lives.

- I-20.

(board buzzing)

- Bingo is all about strategy.

Some people use lucky trolls.

(light music)

Some use lucky trinkets.

I find the vent blows good luck right here.

Wanna play?

There's prizes!

- Prizes?

(dramatic music)

(gasping)

- I feel odd.

- You're hip.

Now remember, we have to say the right things

and do the right things.

- I don't know why we're jumping

through hoops to impress these people.

- We're not jumping through hoops.

We're just being ourselves.

Ah, (speaking foreign language).

(light jazz music)

(glasses clinking)

- They're the only moroccan percussion band I can listen to.

- I don't know why, but Parisians adore me.

- And then I enter the vin number into the computer,

and voila, the student gets his or her parking pass.

- I must say, I love what you've done with your home.

This is a lovely jar of water.

- We got that at Katrina.

- It's art, simple and powerful,

reminiscent of Milan's piece.

- [Woman] Yes.

- Oh, absolutely. - I would've guessed Katrina.

- Helen, you claim to have an eye for art.

Tell us, what did you think of Milan's piece?

(dramatic music)

- I found it rather scathing?

(woman laughs)

- Scathing.

Well put, Helen.

- Scathing, brilliant! - Yes, that was exactly

Milan's intention, to scathe.

- Quite right.

I said the very same thing out loud earlier today.

- [Man] It's the comment of the season.

(balls rattling)

- B-11.

B-11?

- Surprise, Ubuntu.

I don't have B-11 because I am not sleeping

with the bingo master!

- Bingo not my name-o.

- I won dinner for two last week.

I ate both meals.

- G-54.

- Bingo!

(groaning)

- I need more luck.

- Ugh, "The Red Tent"!

(man groans)

"Everything is Illuminated"!

(people laughing)

- I have to say, this is pretty great.

- It was a heartbreaking work of staggering genius!

It was a best-seller, Margo!

- I don't read best-sellers.

You know that, Kent.

- All right, Helen and Gerald, your turn.

And three, two, one.

Charade!

- Uh, movie.

It's a movie.

Um, three words.

Lesbian!

(timer dinging) (people gasping)

(people chuckling)

- It was "The Color Purple."

- Oh, because Jenn's shirt is purple.

Of course!

- [Woman] What did he just say?

(upbeat music)

- Helen, it wasn't that big of a deal.

Do you know how many times I've been called a lesbian?

I didn't mind.

- This was our big chance to break in.

God knows what they think of us now.

- Well, look who it is!

You know, Gerald, for someone who works in academia,

you'd think you'd be more tolerant.

- Now, Margo, there is no one more open-minded than myself.

- You may think so, but I was a psychology major,

and clearly you have some deep-seeded

emotional issues with homosexuality.

Typically, these feelings manifest themselves

in incredibly embarrassing outbursts

like the one you had last night.

- Oh, God, this is terrible.

I know you said we shouldn't care what people think, but...

- They think I'm a homophobe!

(light dramatic music)

- So my strategy is more air vent, more dolls,

then stamp very light so bingo gods don't know I'm close.

Stamp, stamp, stamp.

Bingo!

Got it?

- Uh, bingo bango, zingo zango.

Yeah, got it.

- Damn it!

They're not answering at home,

and Souki's assistant keeps saying they're unavailable.

- Okay, okay, damage control.

What can we do that's really gay?

- What about this?

We find another nice same sex couple to be friends with.

We'll be seen around town with them,

people will talk, and then everyone will know I'm cool

and you're not a homophobe.

- If you wanna become friends with a lesbian,

you gotta think like one.

What do they really want?

A man.

- Dad, please.

Okay, now this isn't gonna be easy.

Not all lesbians are like Jenn and Souki.

They don't usually hang out with straight people.

- Once again, Mom, you have no idea

what they're talking about.

Kevin's moms have plenty of straight friends.

- Kevin's moms?

- What?

(crows cawing)

(doorbell buzzing)

So after I introduce you guys,

Kevin and I are going to head off on our date.

Guess where?

Dynamite fishing!

- Sounds like fun, honey. (Bliss groans)

Now this dinner is our last chance, Gerald.

Don't blow it.

- Ah, (speaking foreign language).

(Helen gasps)

- What's happening?

- Nice blouse!

Where's the party?

- That'll be a two hour wait with a reservation.

- I actually don't get white people at all.

- So, Mo, how long have you been a roughneck?

- Ah, I been on oil rigs since I was 10.

I started out as a lead hand working the lead tongs

on the drilling floor, then chain hand and motor hand.

Before I knew it, I was racking drill pipe

with the other mothers.

- I keep saying she's ready to be a tool pusher.

You know, they get to live on location.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Yeah, but just a few days at a time.

- Oh. - Oh.

- [Duncan] Well, the "Utne Reader"...

- Duncan, Isabelle!

- Helen, Gerald.

Haven't seen you since game night.

- I know.

We've been so busy.

I want you to meet some friends of ours.

This is Mo and her partner Trish.

- That's right.

We're lesbians.

- Yeah, and we just proved it in the parking lot.

- Oh, how nice.

Well... - Tell and Jenn and Souki

you saw us with our friends!

- I gotta hit the head.

You two coming?

(light music)

- I'm-a be a monster truck driver someday.

- And I'm going to be a monster truck driver's wife.

(fists smacking)

(both laughing)

- Let's go heckle zoo monkeys.

Come on, ugly.

(Bliss groans) - We'll go start the coals.

Come on, Trish.

How about a little girl on grill action?

(both laughing)

- (groans) I hate to say it, but they disgust me.

Maybe I am a homophobe.

- I thought you were gonna make friends with some gay women.

Oh, dear God!

- I-16.

I-16.

- Oh!

Yeah, yeah!

Bingo?

Bingo! (triumphant music)

So many people made this moment possible.

Most of all, Ray, who was there for me from the beginning

and who knocked over his lucky Karl Malone bobblehead

so the luck bounced onto my cards.

And especially I-16!

Just like me!

I'm 16! (crowd groans)

- You have to be 18 to play bingo.

You have to leave.

(light music)

- I don't care about the tools.

I just wanted to play bingo.

(thudding) - Hell, yeah!

Drink!

(women laughing)

- Listen, um, guys, uh, we wanna ask you something.

You see, we've never really had couple friends before,

and, well, this Friday is Lucy Lawless' birthday,

and, uh, we were hoping you'd celebrate it with us.

- It's usually just the two of us, but we'd like to share

the holiday with people we care about.

You.

- We'd love to.

- I guess I'll never be part of the art scene.

But at least with Mo and Trish, now we'll get

a good deal when we re-floor the kitchen.

- Helen, Gerald!

How are you?

- We've been great!

Just great!

We called you a couple times, but...

- I know, I'm sorry.

Our fresh air child got arrested,

and then we were in Lisbon for the regatta.

- Oh, of course!

The regatta!

- We missed you two at game night at Margo's.

Where were you?

- Yes, I was disappointed you weren't there.

I left a message your machine.

You must not have gotten it.

- Huh.

We don't have a machine.

- Well, then I must've left a message

with your robot butler.

Either way, you were certainly missed.

- Souki and I were going to host

a game night this Friday, but we had...

- We'll host it!

- Well, okay.

That sounds great.

Friday it is.

- Actually, we kinda made plans...

- Friday it is, Gerald.

(upbeat music)

- We can't just break our plans for Lawless night.

- Gerald, we're past that.

No one thinks you're a homophobe.

We're running with the hip crowd again!

- This isn't about my homophobia which I don't have.

It's about Mo and Trish being our friends.

And their son is dating our daughter.

- Then they'll understand we have a conflict.

No hard feelings.

Our bad.

(doorbell buzzing)

- Hi, guys!

I guess someone can't get enough of the Mo and Trish show.

- That's us.

Hey listen, the thing about Friday is, um, you see,

Gerald is having surgery.

- What? - What kind?

- Are you all right?

- Well, he's having a cyst removed.

- Aw, heck, I can do that for ya.

- It's on his lung.

(both gasping)

(light dramatic music)

- I don't understand why we have

to buy the expensive pickles.

Mo and Trish never cared what we served.

- They never cared if they had food in their hair.

(Kevin barking) Crap, it's Kevin!

- Oh, God.

- You two should go out.

Here's $20.

Go have fun!

- Now you're paying for our dates?

You're supposed to hate him so

I can go back to dating whoever I want.

Oh, I can't stand it one second longer.

I'm breaking up with him.

(Kevin barks)

- Hey.

- Hey, look, I kinda need to talk to you about something.

- Ugh.

Fine.

What?

- We're through.

Lates.

- Huh?

(light jazz music)

- Everything's finally coming together, Gerald.

Even Jenn and Souki seem like they're having a fun.

(dramatic music)

- Now here's one I've always wondered.

In real life, when a good-looking pizza guy

comes to your door, do you...

- Excuse me, ladies.

Dad, if you sit down and shut up,

I'll let you watch later when Jenn and Souki play Twister.

(doorbell ringing)

- It went diagonal.

- You gotta be kidding me.

Listen, this isn't a good time...

- Hey, buddy.

If we can't bring you to bingo,

we figured we'd bring bingo to you.

(paper rustling)

- Ray, it's bingo!

Bingo for my house!

Look, Penny!

Bingo for my house!

- The box says fun for all ages.

Set it up!

- That's a very nice gift, but this isn't

the appropriate time to play bingo.

It's game night.

- So it appears there's going to be

an opening on the art council.

Tripp Maddox is gonna be indicted.

He's off to Belgrade to avoid extradition.

- You should put Helen on the art council.

She's got a tremendous eye.

- I'd never really thought about being on

the art council before, but I guess.

(doorbell ringing)

Just one moment.

Oh!

- Now we're not here to bother you.

We were just worried that you were playing wet-nurse

to the g-man, and you wouldn't feel like doing

a bunch of cooking, so we brought you take out.

- Jenga! - Jenga!

- Funny thing, the cyst just fell off on its own,

so a couple of our friends stopped by to wish Gerald well.

No biggie.

- Isn't it funny how cysts do that?

So where is the big guy?

- [Man] It's actually pronounced Das Boot.

- Okay, so this is Margo and her husband Kent,

and this is Jenn and her partner Souki.

- FYI, if you two are looking to bring on a third,

I'm not legally attached to this fire hydrant over here.

(light music)

That wasn't the worst rash I ever got on my thighs,

not by a long shot.

- Oh, really?

Well, then what was the worst thigh rash you ever got, Mo?

- Saddle chafe.

Three week cattle drive.

Went commando the whole time.

(people laughing)

- Uh, duly noted.

Don't go commando on a cattle drive.

- So, Kent, are there some up-and-coming sculptors

the art council is considering?

I've got some ideas.

- Wait!

Maybe Mo and Trish could suggest some artists.

Did you ladies see the new installation on campus?

- Oh, yeah.

We liked it a lot.

It's really pretty.

(people laughing)

- Yes, you should see some of the work

he's done in analytic cubism.

It's wicked neat.

(all laughing)

- Well, you know, Jenn, Mo and Trish

just mentioned that they liked the piece.

They never said they were professional art critics.

- He's right.

They actually said they were professional bikini inspectors.

(all laughing)

- This is too much.

Mo and Trish have feelings, too.

- You're right.

I have to get rid of them for their own good.

Mo, Trish, thanks for coming,

but I know we're cutting into your Lawless night.

- Yeah.

We should get going.

(somber music)

- Ladies and gentlemen, the running of the mullets.

(all laughing)

- Souki, I think you owe Mo and Trish an apology.

- Excuse me?

- I'm not gonna stand here

and let you make fun of my friends.

- Your friends?

I thought they were here to put your dog down.

- (sighs) Well, they're not.

They're my friends.

Sure, we only befriended them because they were lesbians,

and we wanted to prove Gerald wasn't a homophobe.

- Homophobe?

I always thought he was a homosexual.

- But we've actually come to care for them.

Granted, they can be a bit off-putting.

But we don't judge them because they're our friends,

and they don't judge us.

And if you think you're entitled to condemn our friends

because they don't meet your qualifications,

then you know what?

You're not that cool.

(all gasping)

- Well, you heard it from the arbiter of cool.

Helen.

- Oh, looks like we're facing a lifetime

of lame after parties and underground art openings.

- Bummer, Helen.

What will the art council do without you?

(door thudding)

- That was a brave thing you did.

I know it wasn't easy.

Too bad everyone left so quickly

after Jenn and Souki did, huh?

- It's okay.

Our real friends stayed.

(light music)

- Well, then let's bust out some games.

- Everyone took their games with them.

- We can play with my bingo set!

- Set it up.

- Bingo?

I was specifically promised hot lesbian twister!

(upbeat music)

(singing in foreign language)

♪ The Goode Family ♪