Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

(garbage bin rattling)

- Look who's got elephant dung.

(flies buzzing) They were just giving

it away at the circus.

- The circus?

They exploit animals and hairy ladies!

- But it is for an organic garden!

Being good is so hard.

(car horn honking)

(car engine rumbling)

Oh God, it's my dad.

Did he see us?

(car door slamming) (Helen humming)

- I got some grub from the Soul Shack.

Man, those folks can make some colored greens.

- Dad, it's collard greens.

- Right, and it's collared people.

Use your head, Helen.

Oh, it stinks out here.

I'm eating inside.

- My dad is insane and ignorant and offensive.

Is it so hard for him to say African American?

Wait, is that what we're supposed to call them now?

- I heard someone swear that it's people of color now.

- Ugh, impossible!

That's just colored people in reverse

and I know that's not right!

- Who decides these things?

- Oh, there's a big convention every year where all

the minorities get together to hash these things out.

Last year they've spent most of time figuring out

what to call Puff Daddy.

(light music)

♪ Lady love ♪

♪ Or make, make me ♪

- He'd know the answer!

Wait, you can't just ask him!

- Why not?

The world is a pretty simple place

if you're open and honest with people.

Hi, Ray! (Helen gasps)

Uh, we wanted to ask you a quick question.

Do you... - Want some squash?

Home grown, pesticide free!

- You know, I don't eat vegetables.

And you folks don't eat meat.

- Meat is murder.

- Exactly, Ubuntu.

You see, Ray, we don't eat meat or dairy

so we are called vegans.

Even Che is vegan.

- A vegan dog. (Che slobbering)

(Che groaning) (heart pounding)

(Che panting)

(Che whimpering)

(squirrel chirping) (suspenseful music)

(Che barking)

- Look, Che is trying to warn

his squirrel friend to be careful.

Good for him.

We have so many missing animals

already in this neighborhood.

(light dramatic music) (birds chirping)

(Che panting) (suspenseful music)

(Che gagging)

So, about our question...

- As I was saying, we are called vegans,

just like you and people of your background are called nee...

- Huh?

- Afr... (Ray grunting)

- Blah. (dog barking)

(birds chirping)

- What do we call Obama? - President?

But we can't call Ray that.

- Ray, I like black.

(upbeat music)

(singing in foreign language)

♪ The Goode Family ♪

(light music)

(keyboard clicking)

- Waste not, want not.

(scissors clicking)

- Guys, there's a waning moon on my birthday!

- That's right, Ubuntu!

In two days it'll be 16 years

since we welcomed you into our lives.

(light music) (baby crying)

- [Helen] We wanted to do our part to fight racism

and inequality in the world, so we adopted an African baby.

- Turns out, we forgot to check a box

and we got you from South Africa.

But we showed that with a lot of love and a little guidance

the offspring of two criminal racist Afrikaners

could become a gentle socially conscious young man.

- Yeah! - So, Ubuntu!

The big 16!

What you want for your birthday?

- I wanna drive!

- Another driver?

WWAGD?

What would Al Gore Do?

- Now, Ubuntu, with greater emissions

comes greater responsibility.

(keys jingling) - I don't get to drive?

Aw, man.

- How is this for a compromise?

Ubuntu can get his license,

but he can only drive in an emergency.

(light music)

- Well, I guess, but only for emergencies.

- Sure, emergencies!

Fine!

Come on tornado, that doesn't hurt any people or animals!

(Ubuntu mimicking car engine rumbling)

- Who said parenting is hard?

(keyboard clicking)

Now on to Bliss.

"And when he wasn't looking, I sniffed his neck."

Is this about boy?

- No, nothing!

Look, Octomom!

- Come on, Bliss, we have no secrets.

Right, Bliss?

Right? (door slamming)

Did you see that?

She wouldn't even listen to me!

- Don't worry, if you weren't close she wouldn't feel

comfortable ignoring you like that.

(light music)

(electric car whirring)

- I need quality time with Bliss.

Nothing brings a mother and daughter closer than shopping

at a high end organic grocery store.

- Ugh, One Earth is so expensive,

and it is two for Tuesday at Sav Big.

- We can't shop there,

they don't even have a mission statement.

Come one, Bliss.

(light music)

It's so nice we get to... - All right, see ya.

- Oh, oh.

- [Announcer] Attention, One Earth shoppers.

Check out the big board to see how you can limit

the impact of your existence.

- [Helen] Ooh.

(sign clicking)

(sign beeping)

(sign dinging) (sign buzzing)

(Helen humming)

(light dramatic music)

Oh!

Hm?

(Helen gasps)

Oh!

(register beeping)

- Helen, it's such a nice surprise to see you shopping here.

(Helen chuckling)

- Oh, you always say that, Margo!

- Because it's always true!

They're poor!

Helen's husband works for my husband, Kent,

over at the college.

- With, our husbands work with each other.

- 146.57.

- Here's $150.

- Do you have reusable bags?

(dramatic music)

- No, well, I mean, yes, of course!

Just not with me now.

Hm?

(Helen gasps)

- Oh, right.

Do you wanna buy one?

It's for the Earth.

(register dinging)

I see.

So what will it be?

Paper or plastic?

(baby crying) (shoppers gasping)

Paper or plastic? (baby crying)

- Nothing.

Load me up.

I know a lot of people are comfortable shopping with

reusable bags but I'm not!

They're made in sweatshops.

(woman groaning)

Got run, Bliss, where is she?

- If the Declaration of Independence was written today,

it wouldn't be written, it'd be a documentary.

That's why I'm documentary film maker.

Gotten a bunch of my work on YouTube.

- Cool!

(electric car whirring) - Should we park?

- This space is a little too tight to parallel park.

- Gonna park!

(electric car whirring) (Gerald groaning)

- On Saturday, I've been hired by this freak group

to document their message.

What they don't know is I'm gonna Michael Moore it.

Pull a 360 and give it my own spin.

- Looks like your daughter is on a Treyvon's spell.

Who could blame her?

- Treyvon?

He must be the one with the neck.

She was so secretive.

That's teenagers for ya, huh?

- Oh, no!

That's not how it is with my daughter, Sylia.

We communicate openly and honestly and constantly!

When I knew my Sylia was sexually active,

because she told me, of course,

I took her to the reproductive health center on campus!

- You think Bliss is sexually active?

- I don't know.

But I'm appalled that you don't know either!

- My daughter and I held each other and cried with happiness

since the doctor measured her cervix.

- Hm? - You know, it really is

important to be close to your daughter.

- We're close!

(light dramatic music) (laptop thudding)

- Oh, you'd better be.

Otherwise, who was she going to learn about sex from?

The internet?

The Pussycat Dolls?

Oh, it's skanky out there, Helen.

- Or the other extreme is even worse.

She could be influenced

by some sexually repressed religious fanatics.

- This is such a critical age for Bliss.

If you can't connect with her right now

you could lose her forever.

(light dramatic music) - No.

- [Announcer] Attention One Earth shoppers,

the driver of the SUV is in aisle four.

He's wearing the baseball cap.

(light music)

(Che sniffing)

(Che grunting)

(cranks clicking)

- Dad, are you spinning toilet paper again?

- Your mother accidentally bought two-ply.

But don't worry, I fixed it.

- So, saw you talking to Treyvon.

H-O-T-T, hott!

Are you guys serious or you just keeping it cas?

But it's cool, it's all cool!

Sex is cool, we should just hang and rap about it.

Know what I'm sayin'?

- God, I hope not.

I gotta go to the mall and get Ubuntu's birthday gift.

- I'll take you. - Great.

(upbeat music)

Why are we stopping at the college?

- Because we tight like BFFs, Fs.

(dramatic music)

- Hey! - I'm not a student here

and neither is Bliss,

but we are very interested in safe sex.

(Bliss groaning) - This is so embarrassing!

Oh, God, there's dad!

- So, President Jensen, we simply need more money.

If you wanna have a proportionally diverse staff,

we need three more minority hires.

- Hm, or we could just fire three white guys.

Everybody wins! - Gerald!

(Bliss sighs) - Don't you sometimes wish

you didn't have to deal with this whole sex thing?

That you didn't have to even think or talk about it?

- Not talk about it?

(light dramatic music)

Let me guess.

The only safe sex is no sex?

- Uh huh. - Uh, Helen?

- She thought she had us.

Well, guess again.

We came to talk about sex with someone

that knows something about it.

- Sex? - Oh, you wanna go to

the reproductive health booth.

Right over there, next to big inflated, uh, uh,

I guess that's a condom.

(condom squeaking)

- Oh, oh my.

- Abstinence is the only proven form of birth control!

Chaste girls have higher GPAs,

better self esteem, fewer babies!

- [Helen] Look, Bliss, free samples!

- I, I think this booth is just for students of the college.

- Lucy says that anyone wanting to explore

a sex-positive lifestyle is welcome.

- Mom! - Mom?

You know you can call me Helen.

In our home it's no judgements, no shame.

One time, when Bliss was as the age

of self-discovery well, we had a jacuzzi.

Bliss?

(light music)

- [Ubuntu] Where's Bliss?

I'm hungry!

(stomach rumbling) (Ubuntu groaning)

- I don't understand, everything was going perfect!

I was gonna tell her the story of my first orgasm.

- Uh, maybe Bliss just wasn't ready for that, thank God!

- Oh, gotta eat.

- We'd better feed him.

- Sorry, I'm late, I went back to the college.

- You went back? - You went back!

Did you pick a contraceptive?

Pill?

No, no, diaphragm.

Wait, condom, of course!

- I picked abstinence.

(light dramatic music) - Oh God, they got you.

(Ubuntu groaning) (food squishing)

- In fact, the safe sex group is having

a dance this Saturday, a Purity Ball.

We all agree to withhold our most precious gift

and then have a dance where nobody

has to feel any pressure about sex.

- Come on, Bliss, this is ridiculous.

I mean, who would you even invite to a Purity Ball?

- It's a father-daughter dance.

Will you take me, Daddy?

- Ah, yes. (dramatic music)

(Ubuntu burping) (light dramatic music)

(dog barking) (bottles shattering)

"The View" is on.

The pretty one is saying crazy stuff again.

Helen, the literature is pretty impressive.

Girls that are abstinent are more secure, healthier,

and end up in better marriages.

- I've got no problem with abstinence.

It's these abstinence people!

They're not like us.

They wear flagpins, Gerald,

and you know as well as I do what that means.

- Now, come on, Helen, since the election,

we can all wear flagpins.

- Really?

You're gonna wear a flagpin?

- No, my point is, maybe we shouldn't be so judgemental.

Don't we always try to celebrate people's differences

and learn from them?

- Sure, if they're like Native Americans

or backwards rainforest tribes, but not these people.

(car horn honking)

- It's almost time for Ubuntu's drivers test.

Do you wanna come along?

- You're teaching our son to drive

and our daughter to not have sex.

Where did I go wrong?

(light music) (bird chirping)

- A 100% correct.

I have to admit, when I saw your handwriting

I did not expect that.

- He's our golden boy.

I never stop being amazed at the things Ubuntu excels at.

- Wait there seems to be a mistake here.

Under ethnicity you put African American.

- Yeah. - Well, yes, see,

Ubuntu is African American.

He's an American now, but he's from South Africa.

He isn't black.

(upbeat music)

(doorbell dinging) Ah, that must be

the other couple we're going with.

- Couple?

Gerald, don't you see how creepy it is?

Bliss doesn't belong with them.

- [Bliss] Coming.

- Hi, Bliss.

Oh my God, mister Goode!

Daddy, Mr. Goode is the campus administrator at GCC.

I'm so psyched you're on our side.

- Well, this isn't about sides, it's about fun.

Good, clean, non-incestuous fun.

(light music) - Flagpin!

- [Bliss] Daddy.

(Helen groaning) (light dramatic music)

(Che whimpering)

(Che panting)

(cork popping)

(wine splashing) (light music)

- Bliss is with us now.

- You've lost her forever, Helen.

Is this box wine?

(upbeat music)

- So, this is a church dance?

I thought abstinence was secular.

- You eggheads!

I gotta tell you, "Dancing with the Stars" has really

improved our outreach and the quality of our dancing.

- Now, Daddy, you didn't forget the ring, did you?

- Got it right here, sugar.

- Uh, ring?

- For the ceremony.

The daughters pledge our virginity,

as symbolized by this ring,

and then the fathers keep the rings, our virginity,

until we need it back, on our wedding night.

- You guys forgot your ring!

No problemo, you can have this one.

- Uh, I don't want your daughter's ring.

- Don't worry, Reverend Walsh will have more.

- That's my virginity?

- And that's the Reverend.

I don't wanna marry my daughter!

(ring clinking) - I don't wanna marry my dad!

Oh God, mom was right!

(Gerald sighs) - I know.

Come on, let's get out of here.

(Bliss gasps)

What, what is it?

- Treyvon's doing an ambush documentary,

he's gonna put it on YouTube!

- Documentary?

Oh, God! (dramatic music)

- You girls who are saving yourselves,

save yourself some space on

the dance floor for this next one!

(upbeat music)

- I don't believe this!

- I cannot be seen here, I work in academia.

I'll never leave this down!

- Try being in high school!

I'm vegan, for God's sake,

I've reached my weirdo tipping point!

None of this would've happened

if mom hadn't been so gung-ho about me having sex.

- She doesn't want you having sex.

- Really? - No.

None of us want you having sex.

She just wanted you to know all your options.

Okay, all we have to do

is get out of here without been filmed.

- And without getting married!

- Right, but we didn't drive

and we are in the middle of nowhere.

- We need a ride.

(light music) (phone ringing)

(Helen snoring)

(Che whimpering)

- Hello.

(Helen humming) Mom's drunk.

An emergency! (upbeat music)

(car door slamming) (crowd applauding)

- [Woman] And that includes heavy petting.

- [Man] Abstinence rocks!

(Treyvon chuckling) - Freaks!

- Yep, already done.

No sex for me.

(light dramatic music) (electric car whirring)

(car engine revving) (electric car whirring)

(tires screeching) (upbeat music)

(bell jingling)

(Che groaning) (Che panting)

(Che whimpering) - You're my friend.

(Che growling)

(Che whimpering) (Che barking)

(car hood thudding)

(door banging) (upbeat music)

- We made it.

- Where's Ubuntu? (door creaking)

- Oh, hello!

You work at the college, right?

I would love to ask you a few questions on tape.

Oh, Treyvon, Treyvon!

(electric car whirring)

Oh, this way, Treyvon!

Bring your camera over here.

- Look, it's the virgin from "American Idol,"

by the water fountain. (tires screeching)

(car horn beeping) (dramatic music)

(tires screeching)

- Emergency!

(dramatic music)

- It's so hard to be good.

I just wanna be close to my daughter,

and buy organic apples,

and call minorities by the right name.

Is there like a big convention where all the minorities

get together to decide what they wanna call things?

What to wear, hairstyles?

Like the afro.

That was a good one.

- It's in Memphis. - I knew it!

Can I go? - No.

- Of course not.

(car horn beeping)

- It was an emergency, Mom!

Well, maybe not the drag racing,

or the donuts I did in the parking lot.

- But Ubuntu did have to rescue us from the dance.

And someone needs to apologize.

(Bliss sighs)

- Mom... - I'm sorry if I pushed you.

I just wanted us to be close.

- We're close enough.

- Is there something else you wanna say?

- Well... - Yes.

I acted ridiculous, inappropriate, and just plain stupid.

Can you forgive me?

- Okay, but just don't let it happen again.

- Bliss.

- Mom, you were right.

I don't belong with those people.

- Because you're active?

- No, I'm not that.

- But if you were you'd tell me?

- Ew, fine, if you promise to leave me alone.

(light music) - Come here.

(Ubuntu crying)

- Do you think there'll be another emergency tomorrow?

- Well, the way people abuse Mother Earth,

I'm sure there will be.

- Sorry, I used so much gas, Dad.

- It's okay, Ubuntu.

What's important is that you feel guilty about it.

(upbeat music) (Che panting)

(cat meowing)

- A vegan dinner for my grandson's birthday?

You deserve steaks and strippers!

Come on, Ubuntu, I'm buying.

- Meat is murder! - No, son, meat is yummy!

Come on, let's roll!

I got nine extra seats in the SUV if you wanna stretch out.

- Where do I begin, Dad?

- Ah, okay, happy birthday!

Sayonara!

- Well, then, that leaves an extra veggie roll for Che.

Che, here boy!

Where is Che?

(bird chirping) (Che chomping)