Original subtitles

Previously on The Big Bang Theory...

Want to grab some lunch?

You know what? I don't think so.

Well, let me guess, you're not eating

because the mean girls circled your chubby bits in marker?

No. That, that right there.

That's the reason. You're always making fun of me.

Those are just jokes.

It's my way of saying that we're friends,

and it wouldn't hurt you to drop a few.

Fifteen years of constant ridicule.

I think our relationship has become toxic.

What are you saying?

I think you and I need to spend some time away from each other.

Look, I...

I can see you're upset, but...

I'm gonna need some ground rules.

While we're apart, can I see other needy Indian men?

Get out!

Hi Stuart, two questions.

Do you have the new Aquaman,

and do you mind if I use your back room to smoke some meat?

Well, since it's you asking,

I'm gonna guess that's not a euphemism.

Why are you smoking meat?

And why are you reading Aquaman?

I am trying to make Amy a historically accurate

Little House on the Prairie dinner for her birthday, and

I want to be able to say I was reading it before it was cool.

Wow, well, that's actually really sweet.

The dinner thing. The Aquaman thing's dumb.

Is-Isn't Hailey's birthday the same as Amy's?

Yeah, but we're not doing anything big 'cause she's one,

Bernadette's on bed rest, and I'm lazy.

Hey, guys.

- Hello. - Hey.

Howard.

Raj.

Excuse me.

Really? Is this still happening?

I'm willing to make up, but someone's being a baby.

I do love a riddle. Let me see.

See, my first guess would be Halley,

but that'd be strange to accuse her of being a baby

'cause she is a baby.

Erm, I suppose it could be Stuart,

his head does have a certain milky scent.

Although...

It's me, Sheldon. He's calling me a baby.

No, I don't know. I saw Leonard put his keys in his mouth today.

You're a grown man. Act like it.

Big talk coming from a guy holding an Archie comic book.

Hey, werewolf Jughead is not your dad's Jughead.

Come on, you guys have been friends forever. Quit fighting.

I have an extra ticket

to the opening of The Last Jedi tonight.

It was gonna be Howard's, but you can have it.

You two had a good run.

Who wants to go see Last Jedi again tonight?

- I'm in. - Me, too.

It'll be nice to see the parts I missed while I was blinking.

Hey, guys, there's a change of plans.

We are having a party for Hailey's birthday after all.

Turns out Bernadette and "anyone who's not a heartless monster"

thinks that's the right thing to do.

I don't like kids, but I do like birthday cake.

No. Wait, will there be sugary icing flowers on it?

I don't know.

I'll risk it.

But if I have a tantrum and have to leave early, you'll know why.

Here you go. Here you go.

See you two there.

Are you kidding me?

You're not gonna invite me to Hailey's birthday?

I'm her godfather, that means something.

Or, hear me out on this. It doesn't.

Okay, that's enough.

This fight either has to end or get way more entertaining.

Don't worry about it 'cause I'm done putting up with him!

I know you have a lot on your mind,

but when do you think we'll have an answer on those cake flowers?

- Hey. - Hey. What you reading?

It's your brother's Christmas letter.

Ugh. If there's a picture of his wife and his kids

and his dogs and his horses all in matching pajamas,

I beg you to burn it.

The people's pajamas have little horses on them,

and the horses have little people.

It's just his chance to brag about how great his life is.

Oh, come on, it's nice.

You know that nonprofit he works with?

They built a hospital in Rwanda.

"Look at me. I built a hospital in Rwanda."

That is a good point. I hadn't thought of it that way.

- Hello. - Hey.

So this is for Amy's birthday. Can I leave it here?

Sure. What is it?

A butter churn.

Ooh. That's what I got her.

It's for her surprise frontier birthday dinner.

I am making

hardtack, boiled salt pork,

and because it's a special day, a chewable gob of tree sap.

Is that good?

Compared to other foods, no.

Compared to other parts of a tree? Meh.

And then after dinner, we will have birthday coitus.

Do you think that will also be historically accurate?

I assume like the rest of frontier life,

it'll be exhausting and short.

You're exhausting and short.

Hey, Stuart, you're coming to Hailey's party, right?

You bet. Plus, I live there and I was invited,

so it's already better than my 10th birthday party.

- Great. Can you bring a few things? - Sure. What do you need?

Balloons, streamers,

ice, snacks, a bounce house, face painter,

and a couple kids whose parents are willing to lie and say

they know me from the Daddy and Me class I've never been to.

Where do you and Halley go every week?

The important thing is we're together,

and if the movie gets too violent, I cover her eyes.

Don't stress about this party.

She's one, she's not gonna remember.

The other day I showed her her toe, and she was shocked.

It's not for the baby, it's for Bernadette.

She's feeling guilty

about all the stuff she's missing with Halley.

All right.

Uncle Stuart's got your back.

Ain't no party like a Stuart party

because Stuart's never invited to parties.

Did the electricity go out?

I don't know what you mean by "electricity," ma'am.

I am just a farmer boy living in a little house on the prairie.

I'm glad you're happy.

I wanted to do something special for your birthday.

You did, you did! It's perfect!

You do know that my birthday's tomorrow, right?

This is just step one of your birthday weekend.

Now, would you care to join me for an authentic frontier dinner

made entirely from scratch?

I can't believe you did this. It's amazing!

Oh, it's not a big deal.

Just to be clear, it was a big deal.

I was being modest. You got that, right?

- Loud and clear. - Well, I hope you're hungry.

Oh, I'm starving.

Oh, good. Starvation is authentic to the time period.

If you also have malaria

and a deep distrust of Native Americans,

we're really cooking with a wood stove.

Is that butter?

Yes. But don't blow it all on one biscuit.

Took me nine hours to make that.

I think I got churner's elbow.

I know we only have coitus on my birthday,

but I don't know if I can wait until midnight.

Well, you'll be glad you did.

Everyone knows the best foreplay

is rigid adherence to a strict schedule.

Hey. What are you doing?

Oh, I've decided to write my own Christmas letter.

So I'm gonna make a list

of all the cool things we did this year.

Oh! Fun. Can I help?

Yes. Can you think of a single cool thing we did this year?

Well, both of our jobs are going great.

Sure. I mean, my Air Force project got taken away,

and you're not crazy about selling pharmaceuticals.

I'll just write down "still employed."

Oh! We had our second anniversary.

Yeah, but we did

kind of forget about it,

so... Maybe just write "still married."

Great. Okay.

Okay, that's a start.

What else?

You know, maybe this is enough.

Let's look at our pictures. That'll jog our memories.

What is that a picture of?

Oh, that's a mole on my back.

I wanted to make sure it wasn't growing, so...

How'd you get a picture of your own back?

Sheldon took it. We're kind of mole buddies.

Hey, that's a cute picture.

Isn't that the day we almost went to the beach?

Memorial Day?

No, that was the day we almost went to the mountains.

Oh.

That's the great thing about California,

you can almost go to the mountains

and almost go to the beach in the same day.

Yeah.

Look, I'm sorry about not inviting you

to Hailey's birthday. That wasn't cool.

And of course we would love to have you. Here.

Thank you. I'd really like to be there.

Great, 'cause it's tomorrow, and I need you to plan it.

What?

Stuart was gonna help,

but the free clinic had an open spot for a colonoscopy,

and he jumped on it.

Wait, so you're just apologizing because you need something?

Yes, and I think it's pretty mature of me to admit it.

Well, that's very insulting.

Right again. Are you gonna help me or not?

No, I will not help you.

But I will help Halley.

She's my goddaughter, and I love her.

And I have a lot of party favors

left over from Cinnamon's birthday, so...

I hope she likes things that squeak when you chew on them.

She's a human being, not an animal.

But that actually would be a hit.

Can I get you anything else?

No, thanks. I think I'm good.

You sure? There's still plenty of pork fat.

Although, if we don't eat it, I suppose we could turn it into soap.

That might taste better.

I think I'm just gonna go over here and sit on the couch.

Great. Then we will move on to stage two,

the pitching of woo.

Ooh!

Should I read you some bawdy 19th century limericks?

Okay.

Oh, here.

"There once was a priest from Terre Haute

"who purchased a sheep and a goat..."

Hold on a second.

Is it getting hot in here?

Well, I didn't even get to the dirty part yet.

No, I'm serious.

Do you think there was something wrong with that food?

Frontier scallops? I shouldn't think so.

My stomach's feeling a little weird.

Yeah. Mine, too.

I'm sure it's just the first sharp cramps of arousal.

No. This doesn't feel right.

Hey, hey, save that sexy talk for the bedroom.

You know, if you'll excuse me,

I am just going to go freshen up.

Sheldon?

I'll be out in a minute.

I don't have a minute!

I can't believe you pulled this all together overnight.

If I had more time, I could have gotten the Blue Man Group.

One of them goes to my dry cleaner.

Who, by the way, hates him.

You really saved the day.

Well, it's not for you. It's for Halley.

And I'm sure

she'd appreciate it, if she knew what's going on or who you are.

Morning.

Happy birthday.

Yeah, sure.

Did you sleep at all?

No. You?

I passed out on the toilet once.

I don't know if that counts.

Feel any better?

I feel terrible.

Well,

should we make love now?

How can you even think about sex?

Hey, I'm a man, I have annual needs just like anyone.

And besides, it's our birthday tradition.

You think you can do it

while I lie perfectly still and you don't touch me?

I can try.

Want to do it again?

- Morning. - Morning.

"Kept Fern alive"? Who's Fern?

No, the fern. The one in the bathroom.

We're really calling that brown thing alive? Okay.

So, how long have you been working on this?

Couple of hours.

I took a break to try to beat my high score on Mario Kart.

Well, did you do it?

Do you see it on the board?

Okay, this is silly. Our lives are great.

I think so, too.

So then why is this bugging you so much?

I guess it feels like everyone's moving forward, and we're stuck.

What do you mean?

Well, we've been married two years. Should we think about what's next?

Like buying a house or having a baby?

Look, I want to do all those things someday,

but there's a bunch of stuff I want to do first.

Okay, like what?

I don't know, stay thin and have money.

No, no, I'm serious.

If there's things we want to do, let's start doing them.

Okay. Well, we've never been on a big trip together.

I would love that.

Okay, there's something for your letter.

"Considered going on a trip."

It's just a day trip,

but we could take the ferry out to Catalina.

Great, let's do it.

Amy's in the bathroom and I need to...

It's like I can hear the ocean already.

Okay. Thanks for letting me know.

Hey, what's going on?

Bernadette's sister's kids are sick and they're not coming.

But they're the whole reason the cupcakes are vegan!

- How's the party coming? - Good!

Great! Our friends should be here any second!

Those are the only other people you invited?

What about the kids from the Daddy and Me class?

Grow up.

- Uh-oh. - What?

I left the food out.

You afraid it's gonna go good?

How are you feeling?

My stomach aches, I got the chills,

my mouth tastes weird,

it hurts to swallow, and I've got a little double vision.

Yeah.

I'm feeling better, too.

- Well, this party's a disaster. - Don't blame the party!

You know how many favors I had to call in

with my bounce house guy to get Wonder Woman?

Is that Wonder Woman?

Technically, it's a Chinese knockoff called

Happy Strong Swimsuit Lady.

Then I take it back, it's a great party.

Well, you can sit here and sulk if you want.

I'm gonna go celebrate Hailey's first birthday.

Which I planned with no help from you.

What are you doing?

It's a bounce house! I'm gonna go bounce in it!

You're supposed to take your shoes off

before you go in there!

You know what?

I'm stressed about my daughter's birthday party.

I don't need your attitude.

Well, I worked really hard on this,

and you haven't even said thank you.

I'm sorry. Thank you.

Thank you for blaming me

for everything that's wrong in your life!

Thank you for walking out on our friendship!

You are welcome!

And thank you for mocking me for all of these years!

Thank you for making it so easy!

Why are you being such a jerk?

Because you're my best friend and you hurt my feelings!

Well, you're my best friend and you hurt my feelings!

I can't believe you shoved me!

Well, I can't believe you shoved me!

But it was kind of fun, wasn't it?

- It was! Do it again! - Gladly!

Okay, now at the same time!

That was awesome!

Yeah, okay, this time, knees, then feet.

One, two, three.

Again! Again!

Hello.

- Hi. - You made it.

How you two feeling?

Oh, a little better.

Those books should have been called

Little Outhouse on the Prairie.

Hailey's awake and ready for her party!

Be right up!

- I want to see the birthday girl. - I'd love to see her.

Walk slow, it takes a while to put this bra back on!

You know,

it's still your birthday.

It is.

And we are both feeling better.

We are.

And there's no one in that bounce house.

No.

Great.

Let's go jump for a bit,

and then find a bedroom to have coitus in.