Original subtitles

(mysterious music)

(oldies swing music)

(mysterious oldies music)

- [Voiceover] So, what are you in the mood for?

How about a Craftsman?

- [Voiceover] God, I love Craftsmans!

- [Voiceover] Ooh, check this out,

it's got a name, Edendale.

It's build in 1908.

- [Voiceover] (laughs) Edendale?

Could be historic.

- [Voiceover] It's in Silver Lake.

(gasps)

I can see us raising a family here.

Growing old...

Where the hell is it?

- Relax, I have it in my GPS.

- Richard, did you just tweet that we're lost?

- Stop looking at your cell and look for the address!

- It should be on the left.

Oh. - Oh, oh.

- You don't think that... - Oh my.

- Oh my god!

(seductive music plays)

- You know what I think.

- What?

- I think we should crash that party.

- You mean just valet the car

and go into a party thrown by people way cooler than us?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, why not?

- Oh my god.

- Why not?

It's fun.

Oh my god!

- Oh, stop the car!

- [Driver] Is that...

- [Passenger] There is no way that my sister

is going into our house.

- Well, now we have to crash it.

(both groan)

- Now what?

- Easy, I'll charm us in with my good looks

and winning personality.

- Do you got a plan B?

- We could rub Buddha's belly.

- Hey, it's worth a try.

We need all the good karma we can get.

- Yeah, maybe it'll help us with the adoption.

(soft rubbing sound)

Well, it was worth a try.

(phone rings)

- Hey, what's up?

No, I can talk.

(indistinct talking)

(swanky music)

(indistinct conversation)

- In a perfect world this would be our party

that we're crashing.

- I just died and went to escrow.

- Once you examine all of reality itself,

and then the self itself,

then you find true meaning in life.

- Did the Dalai Lama say that?

- No, that was Lady Gaga.

(smacks and giggles)

To the (mumbling).

- You ready?

Okay.

(mandolin notes play)

- The old joke,

a Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor

(rapidly plays notes)

and asks...

- "Make me one with everything."

(mandolin notes play)

- Given the hotdog, he pays and says...

(plays off-key notes)

- "Where's my change?"

- To which the vendor replies,

- "Change comes from within."

(rapidly banging notes)

(polite applause) - [Woman] Thank you.

- I could eat.

Do you think there's a--

Oh god, here they come.

- Oh my goodness.

- Alex, Richard, what are you..

(kisses)

- How are you?

- It's crazy.

What are you guys doing here?

- Miss one of Jake and Cloe's parties?

Never, plus there's free booze.

- I didn't know that you knew them.

- Oh yeah, we're super tight.

Jake and Chloe, they're dear friends.

- And how about this house, huh?

I love this house, we always have.

- To be right, it's kind of our dream house.

- Oh.

- Hey, you okay?

You look a little puffy.

- Well...

- Alex...

We just found out, you are going to be an uncle.

We're pregnant!

- What?

- Oh!

That's incredible!

- [Richard] Wow.

- [Alex] That is incredible.

- Doing the parent thing.

You have to come out to the house and celebrate.

- Yeah, hey, how is that new house?

- Oh, it's a piece of shit, but it's a long story.

Anyway, this one, she forgets her pill one time.

One time, mind you, and suddenly she's

a veritable garden of human fertility.

- Oh, goober.

- Which is great.

Unexpected, but great.

- Happy accident.

- You're hurting my arm.

- I'm sorry.

- [Voiceover] Deep in the heart of the Himalayas

lies the land of the thunder dragon,

the kingdom of Bhutan.

- While it might be tiny and remote and impoverished,

within Bhutan's modesty is its majesty.

- [Man] This will be our sixth trip to Bhutan.

Every time we ask ourselves, "How can we keep coming back?"

- [Woman] But every time we see the faces

of the children, we think, "How can we not?"

- [Man] It was on this, our last trip to Bhutan,

that we first met little Kuenlay.

(crowd awws)

- Cute.

- [Man] These orphans are suffering,

but they would rather freeze

than see you do without.

- [Woman] If they weren't orphans,

their parents would be so proud.

- [Video] Good, good, good, good!

We are really making a difference.

- But the most special thing about little Kuenlay

is his generosity.

(foreign music)

However, fate was not kind to little Kuenlay

for not two weeks after this video was shot,

we received word that little Kuenlay,

bitten by a goat, developed tetanus and died.

- It's too late for little Kuenlay.

- Too late.

- [Man] But there are so many others who need help.

All our help.

Help us care.

- 90 cents on every dollar goes directly to the orphans.

(speaking foreign language)

- 40, 41...

Will that save a child?

- [Presenters] Help us care.

(sighs)

(typing)

- [Man] Help us care.

- [Presenters] (speaking in foreign language)

- [Woman] (speaking foreign language)

Help us care.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- I don't have any cash...

I, sorry...

(mysterious music)

- [Man] I can't talk right now,

leaving for Bhutan in the morning

and our house sitter just checked into rehab.

- Oh, well we could house sit for you.

- Whoa, I thought you said you'd eat glass

rather than house sit again.

House sitting could be fun.

- Oh, I'd never take you two

out of your beautiful new home.

- Alright, you know what, that's it.

You knew that tree was terminal when you sold us that house.

- Did you ever watch a tree die, Jake?

It's an ugly, violent--

- Not to mention expensive sight.

- I can't answer your questions

any more than you can question my answers.

I said that I would pay you back, and I will.

- I don't think you understand,

our claim was denied.

- Basic homeowners won't cover sudden oak death,

and SOD sucks.

- You know what this reminds me of?

The ancient Bhutanese tale of two elephants that get lost

in the (speaking foreign language).

- I'm sorry, are you talking about elephants right now?

- They're the second most spiritual creature in the world.

And do you know what they want?

- To be number one?

- They want love.

Just like you.

Just like me.

- Jake, Cooper and I are so moved by all of this

spiritual depth, not to mention your work

for all those hungry little foreign kids,

but we are talking about real estate,

so let's get real.

We paid you a lot of money for that house

and I think that entitles us to a living room

without a big fucking dead oak in it.

So either you figure out a way to pay

or we will figure out a way to take.

(speaking foreign language)

- (speaking foreign language)

(laughs nervously)

(exhales)

- You were awesome.

- I'm not an expert in human behavior for nothing.

- And we got 20 bucks.

- Now let's just hope our money doesn't leave the country.

- Oh, finding the right house sitter is an art.

It'll take more than a day to find

a perfectly trustworthy loser.

- Please, this is LA.

People like that are on every corner.

(upbeat party music)

- You have one of my pots.

- I'm sorry, Chloe's notorious

for never returning anything.

- Oh, no, no, it's one of my pieces.

I sell them in a few stores, I'm a potter.

- So you're good with your hands?

- Oh!

- Kaitlyn, come!

- Puppy!

- Kaitlyn, get!

Slow down, come!

Come to me!

- Oh, you're so sweet!

- You're very good with them.

- I love dogs.

I'd better, my sister and I own Bitches Delight.

- Greyhound rescue?

- It's a great organization, unfortunately.

- Have you met my wife?

Oh, hey.

- There you--

Richard, Richard!

This is Richard.

Guess what?

We're going to house sit for Jake and Chloe.

- What?

Alex, do not joke with me about that.

- Oh, I'm not joking.

- What!

Oh my god.

Oh, oh, how long do we get to live here?

I mean stay here?

I mean house sit?

- Since when do you two house sit?

- You all know each other?

- He's her brother.

- Half brother.

- Well, they're going to Bhutan,

so this is our chance, in a small way,

to help out the orphans.

- [Jake] And it'll mean so much to them

to have house sitters.

You are so handsome.

- And thin.

- Are you talking about orphans or dogs?

- Both.

- You have made us both incredibly happy.

We will honor this trust you have placed in us.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- (speaking in foreign language)

- Cheers.

Don't do that.

(laughing)

- Oh my god, I can't believe it!

- I know!

Even seeing Paige and Cooper can't ruin this.

- Oh, and what is with them?

They're lucky enough to have their own home

and they have the gall to call it a piece of shit

in front of us.

- (scoffs) And what's worse, they're pregnant?

- Well, babe, you can't really blame them for that.

- No, of course not, but...

Ugh, once again, Paige gets what Paige wants.

- She doesn't get everything she wants.

Don't forget, you have your father's ashes.

- She's never getting them from me ever.

It's bad enough she went to college before me,

got married before me, now they're having a baby before us!

I hate them.

- Aw, honey.

So do I.

- [Paige] Oh god, Cooper.

- [Cooper] Acid reflux?

- [Paige] Like a suicide bomber.

- [Cooper] Well, leave it to Alex and Richard

to screw us over by being nice.

- They're not being nice, they're being gay.

A house that fabulous is like crack to them.

They don't even know Jake and Chloe.

- Well, what do you think,

they were just driving by and decided to crash the party?

- Who knows what those two are capable of.

(burps)

- Ugh, excuse me.

- It's okay.

(crickets chirp)

(sad music)

- Goodnight, Dad.

- Old artisan workmanship.

Deep, overhanging eaves.

- Tell me more!

- Douglas fir floors and staircase.

Exposed beams and joists.

- Yes!

- Batchelder tile.

(moaning) - Oh my god.

- Silver Lake, Craftsman.

(passionate moaning)

(moaning and giggling)

(dogs whimpering)

(romantic music)

(indistinct conversation)

- I could get used to this.

(grunts)

- Well, don't get too used to it.

Remember, we're just playing house.

- Boo!

- Ow!

Richard!

(door creaks)

(gasps)

- What...

That wasn't there before.

(gasps)

- [Alex] Go!

What's in there?

(mumbling)

(both scream)

- Oh...

- Is that...

- [Alex] Wow, is this...?

- Oh my god.

- It's money.

How much much do you think there is?

- Let's find out.

- Oh my god, Richard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(Richard laughs) Can you take more?

- It tickles!

- Take it!

- $983,000.

- Not even a million?

Pathetic.

- Richard, this is weird.

What kind of people have this amount of money

just lying around?

- Gangsters, drug dealers, the church...

- Well, Chloe and Jake are in Bhutan

helping out the orphans, so I guess they get

the benefit of the doubt.

Ooh, what are you doing?

- Well, he said to help ourselves to anything.

(dramatic music) So tonight, we're filthy rich.

(doorbell rings)

(knocking)

(groans) Jesus, what happened here?

Looks like Donald Trump threw up.

(knocking) - [Voiceover] Alex?

(knocking) Alex, honey?

- Oh, your sister's here!

- My half-sister.

- [Paige] Alex?

(doorbell rings) - Oh, oh my god.

- [Richard] We should...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(knocking, doorbell ringing)

(frantic music, money rustling)

(vacuum whirrs)

(doorbell rings)

- Sweetheart...

We have some challenging news.

- (stammering) Hi.

- Coffee.

- Coffee!

- There's been an accident.

Jake and Chloe are dead.

- What?

- Oh my god.

- [Paige] I know, it's terrible.

- Apparently Bhutan has the thickest fog in the planet,

real crazy shit, and it was the worst

rickshaw pilot they've ever seen.

- They died in a rickshaw accident.

- Being impaled by bamboo spokes is a horrible way to die.

- So they're really not coming back.

How awful.

- Well, you know, death, unfortunately,

is part of the journey.

Would you like a Xanax?

- Sidney thought it best for us,

professionals and family, to give you guys the news

and decide what to do with the dogs.

- [Alex] Let's put them in the rescue.

(laughs)

- Alex.

Daddy started that rescue for Greyhounds,

not Labradoodles.

- So?

- [Alex] So, Greyhounds are abused on race tracks

and deserve a good home.

Labradoodles are just dogs.

- So what are we supposed to do?

Personally adopt them?

- Dogs are kinda your thing.

- We'll take them, but just for the time being.

- [Richard] Alex!

- What?

We have no choice.

(snorts and coughs)

- Oh my god, Richard, are you okay?

It's just so terrible.

- What's gonna happen with the house?

- It'll be sold.

Well, there's no heirs and they were orphans too, you know.

- They were such good people.

(laughs) - Right, good people.

With out of control debt, back taxes.

Is 10 minutes enough for you to gather your shit?

- (stuttering) Of course.

- I need 15.

(car engine starts)

(wheelchair ramp whirrs)

- [Paige] Oh, I almost forgot,

it is time for some Vicky's.

Just take half a tab, you're driving.

- Thanks so much for helping me look around.

Well, I guess Jake was joking.

There's no nest egg or priceless artifacts hidden anywhere.

- Face it, Jake was hilarious.

- His passing's a real loss.

- So sweet of you to lock up.

There's an old Buddhist expression.

"The sun rises only when it's ready."

And today, you two are my sun.

(keys jingle)

- And boy are we ready.

(sleuthing music)

(rustling and banging)

- I don't know.

You don't think Jake actually gave our down payment

to the orphans, do you?

- Of course he did.

- How can people be so mean?

(Paige scoffs)

- Face it, right now we are treating

little orphan Coon-ley to an extreme home makeover.

- Little orphan Kuenlay, and he's dead.

- I don't give a shit.

Like, you know what I mean.

Our money is gone.

- Well, at least it's going to a good cause.

- We are a good cause!

A giant oak tree split our living room in two!

The city's going to evict us,

now we're going to have to buy somewhere totally uncool!

Like Pasadena.

- I love you.

- I love you too.

(burps, gurgles)

Sorry.

- [Alex] Jake and Chloe gave their lives to those orphans.

- [Richard] I know, and what are we doing

to help the planet?

Nothing.

We're not composting, we're not planting trees,

we're not even shopping local.

- But we do follow the three R's.

Reduce, reuse, recycle,

and I bring cloth bags to Trader Joe's.

- Face it, Alex, we are users!

We're treating the world like our bitch.

- Oh, I can't stop thinking of those orphans.

Who's gonna help them now?

- Well, that money would help them.

- Yeah, if they get it.

- No, it's stuck in a vacuum cleaner.

And you know what that lawyer said,

Jake and Chloe had debt, so...

- So when that money is found,

and it will be found, it's gonna go to creditors.

- Or worse, the IRS.

- Then it's up to us.

We are going back to that house,

to our house, and getting that money.

We have to, for the orphans.

- You are so turning me on right now.

- I'm kinda turned on, too.

- Richard.

- What?

- Are you tweeting again?

- No, no, I'm just checking some email.

- Right.

- Oh oh, this is it.

Alright, let's do this.

- Okay, put your hands together, give me a boost.

- [Richard] Okay.

(laughs) This is fun.

Okay.

Oh, god, Alex you're so heavy!

You should really think about dieting!

- [Alex] I wish you would not even

comment on my weight right now, Richard!

- Oh, okay, sorry.

You're light as a feather,

you're practically anorexic, Jesus.

(Alex shouts, thuds)

- [Richard] Okay.

- [Alex] Richard.

(fence creaks)

- Hold on.

Yeah, yeah.

- Richard, that's all the doors and windows.

They're locked.

(Richard groans)

Maybe we should just give up.

- No, no, we are getting in there!

- Aww, you really care about those kids.

- Yes, yes, and I have to pee!

Oh, here, hold this.

- Oh, oh, what if the alarm goes off?

- Well, if the alarm goes off

I'll pee in the bushes.

Back up, back up.

(glass crashes)

Oh!

No alarm.

- [Alex] No alarm.

- Give me that.

(toilet flushes)

- Woo, that was--

(alarm sounds)

Shit, shit, shit, shit!

Don't panic?

Why, because the police are on their way over here

right this very second?

- Just calm down, Richard.

- I can't go to jail.

I can't wear orange, I'm a winter!

- Let's just get the money quick.

- No, wait, let's just turn the alarm off.

- No, no, no, no!

Jake gave us our own code,

the alarm company will know it's us.

- Okay, plan B, let's just get the money quick.

- Wait, how is that different than plan A?!

- Okay, relax, let's just get the money.

- Look it, it's gone!

What are we gonna do?

Those little babies are depending on us.

- Relax, I put it back in the secret room.

(alarm blaring)

See? - Thank god!

- Wait, wait, wait, what about him?

- Richard, we're not shopping.

It's hideous.

(dogs barking)

- [Alex] Damnit!

- [Richard] You're kidding me.

- [Alex] It was an accident, Richard!

(money rustling)

(car doors slam)

- Woo!

That was--

- Oh, oh Richard, kiss me, kiss me.

Kiss me, quick. - Oh, oh!

(police sirens)

(brakes squealing)

- Okay, okay, let's go.

- Alex, I am not some sex machine.

You cannot just do that and then stop.

- You wanna explain that to the police?

- Let's go.

- Thank you, those alarms are beyond annoying.

Worst headache ever.

- Oh, I have Vicodin.

You know what they say, shrinks always have the best shit.

- I can't, really.

(mumbles)

- (whispers) For later.

- Vicodin for a headache.

What do you do for a migraine, shoot up?

- We are friends of Jake and Chloe,

and our lawyer, who is sadly disabled.

- Detective Diane Kirshman, LAPD robbery homocide.

- Doctor Paige Whitehead.

And this is my husband, Doctor Cooper Whitehead.

- Hello.

- My condolences.

(clears throat) For your loss.

Can you just give me a second?

So what do you got?

- Point of entry was in the window.

This.

- Also found this in the bathroom, grande cafe mocha.

Still warm.

- Okay, good work, let's motor.

I want the burglary forensics team here ASAP.

- You got it.

- Excuse me, but how do you already know

that anything's been taken?

- Just a hunch, but I'm pretty sure

that the Buddha doesn't shed cash.

(romantic music)

- Oh my god.

I can't remember the last time I had so much fun.

(laughs) - Aside from the alarm,

money flying everywhere, and almost getting caught,

we're like our own private gay mafia.

(kisses)

- Helping children really does turn you on, doesn't it?

- Yep.

That and fear of prison.

- Prison, that's hot.

(kissing and moaning)

- What kind of thief leaves behind money?

- The same kind of thief that breaks in using a rock,

sets off the alarm, and then leaves

Starbucks on the premises.

- A homeless person?

- Thinking someone not that together.

- You're not thinking Alex and Richard, are you?

- This break in reeks of them!

- Well, we should tell that detective.

- Tell her what?

We've got no evidence.

Besides, we do that and all of our cash

blows straight to Jake and Chloe's estate,

or worse, the orphans.

Okay, we've gotta figure this out.

Be smarter than them.

- Can we do that?

- Of course, it's Richard and Alex we're talking about.

It's like dealing with hairy children.

(upbeat music)

- Some peoples taste is all in their mouths.

(sighs)

- Richard.

- Oh, Alex, never sneak up on me

when I'm coveting our take.

(sniffles) Come here, sit.

Sit down.

Look at all this.

Do you know what this is?

- Grand theft larceny.

- Funny, no, no!

This is homes, cars, vacations, clothes.

This is our ticket to fabulous.

- And how fabulous is a clean conscience?

- You're right.

- I am.

- [Richard] Here I am fantasizing about a mint

condition

"Charlie's Angles" Angels in Chains lunch box and...

(sighs) Children are hungry.

(claps)

Hand me that Shopvac.

- What are we doing?

- We're doing the right thing, right now.

(foreign music)

- [Richard] Hi, we'd like to talk to someone

about the children of Bhutan.

- Are you two alright?

You both look...

Queer.

One moment please, (speaking in foreign language).

(phone beeps)

Special assistant.

(whispering in foreign language)

- (speaking in foreign language), pleasure.

I'm Rigzang Wangchuck, special assistant

to the ambassador of the kingdom of Bhutan.

- Oh, cool.

I'm Richard Nearly and this is my husband, Alex Reardon.

- Hey.

- We're here to offer a very, very large donation

to the orphans of your country.

(laughs)

- That's rather bizarre, wouldn't you say?

Perhaps an orphan with housekeeping skills,

might give them a leg up?

(laughs) Do you fancy a boy or a girl?

I'll order you a girl.

- Oh, we don't want a girl.

- Oh, you fancy a boy.

- We don't fancy a boy or girl or child.

Although we love children.

- We were house sitting for the Joneses, Jake and Chloe.

You must know them, right?

- From helpuscare.org.

- They died recently in that big rickshaw accident.

- I am the special assistant to the ambassador

of the kingdom of Bhutan.

I do not monitor rickshaw accidents.

- Okay, alright, chill.

Sorry.

But we found a lot of money in their house

and we thought maybe you could...

- Or the embassy.

- Yeah, the embassy could take it

and give it to the children of Bhutan.

- So you don't fancy an orphan?

You want to give me money.

(high-pitched whistle blows)

(speaking in foreign language)

- Ow.

- I am being offered money by these gay Americans.

- Have you touched it?

- I have not touched it, please note.

- You have not touched it, so noted.

- No, no, no, the money's not for you.

It's for the orphans.

- Do we know of any orphans?

- We do not know any orphans.

- I do not want your money.

We do not want your money.

In fact, I enthusiastically refuse your bribe.

Please note.

- [Assistant] So noted.

- No, no, no, you don't understand.

- No, after last year this embassy no longer

accepts cash donations.

- This has nothing to do with what happened last year.

- He borrowed the money...

- [Both] He did not steal it!

- We don't think he did anything criminal.

- [Both] Our ambassador is not the criminal!

Our ambassador is not the criminal!

- Please, you must leave now.

- We must leave now.

(both speaking in foreign language)

- This was not a good idea, please note.

- So noted.

Well, I guess we need to find a new charity now, right?

- Yeah, but let's get rid of the money first.

That much cash really seems to set people off.

Oh, you know, the Apple store's not far from here

and I really want one of those 52 inch iMacs.

- Richard!

- [Richard] I'm kidding.

They don't make them that big.

- Hey, check it.

That's a worthwhile charity.

- Yeah, yeah.

Dolphins are smart, they're like chimpanzees with fins.

- They're practically children.

- They could even be orphans.

Two, please.

Hi.

- Hi, welcome to The Porpoise Purpose,

part of citation sensation.

- We would like to make a very large donation

to the dolphins.

- Porpoises.

They're the people of the sea.

I'd be happy to take your check or credit donation.

- Okay.

(Alex clears throat)

Do you have a pen?

- Sure.

- [Richard] Thank you.

(exhales)

Porpoise Purpose. - Purpose.

- [Richard] Okay, Porpoise Purpose.

- Checks take a long time, don't they?

- Right, they do.

- They do.

(clears throat)

- Thank you, and would you like--

Sweet Jesus on a waffle cone!

Are you shitting me?

(stammering) This is the largest single donation

that we have ever received.

Oh my--

Thank you, thank you.

Oh my god, thank you so much.

Oh my god, you're such good people.

- Sure, anytime.

- Thank you.

- Wait, wait, Misters Nearly and Reardon,

you can't leave, not yet.

Wait, right here, please.

Just wait one second.

(PA feedback) Bountiful angels are

in the lobby.

I repeat, bountiful angels are in the lobby.

- Mister Nearly, Mister Reardon.

- Stuart Hendron, executive director

of The Porpoise Purpose.

You are gonna help raise the profile of the porpoise,

an often overlooked citation.

- Well, that's great, we've always loved dolphins.

- Porpoises.

They're the people of the sea.

If you don't mind me asking, are you familiar with them?

- Well, of course.

I mean, just because we're gay doesn't mean

we don't like fish.

- Well, that's good to know, but they're mammals.

- Yes, and with a shorter beak than the dolphin,

the porpoises more popular, stupid cousin.

Now, let me introduce you to somebody.

This is Pete the Porpoise.

He's not just our logo, he's a real little guy.

- We keep him in a pool in the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

- You do?

- [Stuart] You bet.

And your money's gonna make all the difference

in his life and other porpoises' lives.

- Alright, come this way.

Come on, come this way.

- No, oh... - [Stuart] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, no.

- [Receptionist] You too, go right in front of the sign.

- [Stuart] You're gonna love this.

- You will love it.

Okay, smile like a porpoise.

- Right, say (imitates porpoise).

(sighs)

- We did the right thing.

- Oh yeah, great.

We helped a porpoise.

- We did.

- Good for you, Alex.

Good for Pete.

Good for all the goddamn people of the sea.

- It is good for them!

- And why didn't we use the card?

We could've at least gotten miles.

- Estate has put this home into auction,

which means it's not only happening under the radar,

they will consider any offer no matter how shameless.

- Do you hear that?

It's practically a personal invitation.

- [Cooper] Well, well, well, look who's here.

- Hi.

(overlapping greetings)

- We're here, just scooping out the real estate.

- Interesting, interesting, so are we.

- But you already have a house.

- From which the city has asked us to vacate.

- Oh, no.

Is it because of the SODs?

- The city treats trees like they're inanimate objects.

- If only they weren't.

- So you're just gonna buy another house.

- Well, we can't keep living in the Four Seasons forever.

(laughs)

- But how can you afford this?

- Well, how can anyone afford anything?

I mean, it's not like you two recently

came into a lot of money.

Did you?

- Yeah, did you?

- We're not gonna buy it, it's out of our range.

- It is pricey.

- No it isn't.

- It's not pricey?

- No, it isn't out of our range.

- Richard, can I talk to you?

- Yeah.

- Excuse me.

- But Alex, this is Edendale!

Our house!

And we could be buying it right now,

but instead, what did we do?

We set up a pension plan for a porpoise.

- And that's a beautiful thing.

- Yes, yes, it is a beautiful thing,

but that money belonged to the orphans of Bhutan,

who, let's be honest, we screwed.

- So you wanna get that money back

and give it to the orphans of Bhutan?

- Mm-hmm.

If I am lying, may God strike me down this instant.

(gasps)

- I do not care how perfect this place is.

Well, actually, I do,

but that money, which is gone, isn't ours.

- What if we could get it back?

- We can't.

- If we could, we could use the money to buy the house

then we could take out a second and pay back the orphans.

Then they've got their money,

we've got Edendale, everybody's happy.

- Do you think I'm enjoying this?

Losing out to Paige yet again?

It's humiliating!

- [Richard] I know, I know, it is humiliating.

I guess Paige and Cooper and their unborn

demon spawn will be very happy here.

- This is a turnkey sale, fully furnished.

It's perfect for anyone with no personal sense of taste

and very little money.

- [Paige] Alex, sweetie.

We should tell you, with what's happening with the house,

we're going to have to sell Bitches Delight.

- What?

You can't just do that, I own half of it.

- Actually, I can.

When daddy left us the rescue, he gave me 51%.

- What about the Greyhounds?

- We're placing them with A Brighter Day.

- No, you can't.

That place does medical research!

- Medical research?

Where do these rumors come from?

- [Paige] They will be fine.

Those dogs are gonna get all the free make up

and elective surgery any dog could ever want.

- Well, that's Paige,

buying real estate with the blood of abused dogs.

- You don't think they're really gonna

put the Greyhounds in that place, though, do you?

(mumbles agreement)

(scoffs) - If only we had the room.

- Well, we could.

- What?

- No, no, forget it.

- Okay.

Forget what?

- It's just...

Alright, let's do it.

- You wanna buy our house?

You wanna buy Edendale?

- Let's go back to The Porpoise Purpose

and get our money back.

- Hi.

- Oh, good timing, you two.

Look.

- Huh, yeah, wow.

Look at that.

Listen, I wonder if we could speak

to that nice gentleman we met yesterday.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Hendron isn't available.

- Well, get him available because we need to talk.

- Alex.

We're kind of having a porpoise emergency.

- Oh, I see.

It's a porpoise emergency.

Yeah, I have a couple of bountiful angels

in the lobby, code red.

I don't know, they're not leaving.

Okay.

He'll be right out.

- Thanks.

- Now, what is so urgent?

- Well, I'm not sure if you know this...

Well, of course you don't know this,

how could you possibly know this?

But Alex owns a Greyhound rescue and adoption organization.

- No, I didn't, what's it called?

- Well, the name is not important,

but I just found out that my sister,

who only owns 1% more than I do,

is going to close it.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

Listen, after yesterday we think of you as family.

So if there's anything we can do, just ask.

- Well, we were hoping you would say that because...

Because...

- We want our money back.

(awkward laughter)

- I'm sorry, I just thought I heard you say

you wanted your money back.

- It's 'cause that's what I said.

- Well, that's impossible.

- But we changed our mind.

- Well, this isn't an Urban Outfitters.

You just can't ask for a refund.

- But you just said we were family.

- Oh, we are.

Just think of this as tough love.

- [Voiceover] Well, that depends.

How much are we talking about?

- Not much.

- Well, you see, the legal issue is...

What is the status of the money as a gift?

Does it pass automatically into the hands

of the person accepting it?

Or does the giver have the option of rescinding the gift?

I mean, this is not necessarily fraud.

You didn't go to The Porpoise Purpose

with the sole intention of defrauding them, did you?

- No.

- Of course not.

- Not now, Bethany.

- She has a very popular website.

I'm sorry, where were we?

Oh yes, you two just changed your minds, right?

Well, there's certainly no law against that.

- So what should we do?

- Go ahead and stop payment.

And if I were you, I'd do it sooner than later.

- [Voiceover] It's a big stack.

- [Alex] We're ready.

- Yeah, I think so.

- Alright, perfect.

- Okay, and then why don't you start on this stack, great.

- Oh.

- Oh, jeez.

Oh, I didn't do that.

- You guys are gonna be so happy.

Okay, so...

They've countered both you and one other couple.

- One other couple?

That's interesting.

- You don't by chance know if it's

Paige and Cooper Whitehead, do you?

- Ethically, I can't reveal that,

but since you guessed, you're not exactly wrong.

- Fuckers!

They're family.

I think I can clear this whole thing up right away.

We are planning on using Edendale

for the Greyhound rescue.

- Ah, that's a very noble aspiration.

(clears throat pointedly)

Well, what?

It is.

- So you'll agree to back out of buying it?

- Oh, let's see, how can I put this?

No.

- You don't seriously expect us to keep four Greyhounds

and three Labradoodles in an apartment, do you?

- I'm pregnant.

With twins.

- Twins?

(groans) - How very you of you.

- [Richard] If you back out, we'll be glad

to put you up in the guest house.

- Well, I'm sorry, but we're lousy guest house--

house guests.

- I want daddy, the urn.

- No.

No way.

- Give me that and we'll back out.

- Paige.

- It is bad enough you got all his attention

his entire life, I am not parting with his ashes!

- Well then I guess you and your dogs

will have to continue living here in squalor.

(phone rings)

- Better take this.

Hello?

Yes.

Are you serious?

Well, that's great news.

That's fantastic.

Thank you.

- You're kidding!

(laughs)

You guys are not gonna believe this,

but it turns out you didn't qualify for financing.

- What?

There must be some mistake.

- No, you two can't afford Edendale!

- No, evidently it is you who cannot afford it!

- We got our house!

- [Richard] We got our house!

- We got our house!

- We got Edendale!

(laughs)

- Hold on.

- We're very sorry.

- Oh, god.

- [Richard] Oh, great, yeah, right in here.

- This is all kitchen stuff.

- Oh, really?

You can put it just right back there.

Right back there.

Thank you very much.

- Hey guys.

- Hello?

- I have a package I think you should take a look at.

- [Alex] Okay.

- Oh.

Thank you. - This yours?

- Yes, I'll take it, thank you.

It's from Bhutan.

It might be from Jake and Chloe.

- Richard.

- What?

They don't have heirs.

Oh my god.

- Ugh, you've gotta be kidding me.

(laughs)

- I kinda like it.

Looks like Paige.

(cheery music)

(knocking)

(laughs sarcastically)

- Thank you both for putting us up.

This is the most glamorous eight by eight foot space

we've ever lived in.

- I know, it's a little small, but...

- No, we love it.

Plus we have view of your beautiful house

which we didn't qualify for.

- Paige, I've been thinking...

It's only fair.

You should have Dad.

- Oh.

(tender music)

Sweetie...

I love you.

You know what?

Daddy's weather safe, why don't we leave him

out here in the garden?

And that way we can both enjoy him.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Paige, I know that we're only half-siblings

but I really--

(gasps) - Oh, that is my 3:30.

Why don't we continue this Hallmark moment later, okay?

- Thank you so much. - Yeah.

- Come on in.

Here we go.

Bye!

- Where do you wanna live, Dad?

Where can I put you?

That's good.

- To our very own home.

No, to our very own castle.

- And living happily ever after.

(doorbell rings)

- Detective Dianne Kirshman, LAPD.

I'm looking into the deaths of Jake and Chloe Jones.

Thank you.

You two were house sitting for them

at the time of the murder, right?

- Yeah, but they weren't murdered.

- Really?

So you think that being run over several times

by the same vehicle is an accident?

- By vehicle don't you mean rickshaw?

Because we heard rickshaw.

- We did hear rickshaw.

- No, by vehicle I mean Chevy Tahoe.

- An SUV?

Jesus.

Do you know who did it?

- That's what I was just about to ask you.

- Well, we loved Jake and Chloe.

We were very good friends.

- How long did you know them?

- Well, we just met them once.

- [Richard] But we hit it off right away

and are still very, very sad.

Would you like some champagne?

Alright, thank you, goodbye.

Jesus H. Fuck, they were killed for that money

and do the killers now have that money?

No, they don't, we do!

- We don't know that.

That money could've very well belonged to the orphans.

- Then why didn't Jake and Chloe

bring it with them to Bhutan?

- Well maybe it belonged to other orphans!

- Other Bhutanese orphans?!

- Look, we said we were gonna give back the money

and I still think we should.

- Yes, I know, I know.

- What are you implying?

Now you don't want to.

- I'm just saying we should give this a good think.

There is no rush on this.

It's not like the orphans are reporting us

to credit bureaus.

- We don't know why they were killed

and, honestly, it makes no difference.

- It makes no difference?!

Being run over by a rickshaw is a bizarre

twist of fate, being run over by an SUV

means someone wanted to turn you into a waffle!

(clears throat)

How long have you been there?

- Long enough.

- Listen, we had to!

You were gonna send those dogs off to doggy Auschwitz!

- So you stole orphans' money and used it

to buy rescue dogs a fabulous house in Silver Lake?

- Oh, I wouldn't describe it like that.

- Well, how would you describe it?

- Well, what I would say is that we temporarily--

- We don't have to explain anything to you.

- No.

- You don't have to talk to us

when you can talk to the police.

- You wouldn't dare.

- Oh yes they would.

- Of course we wouldn't!

We're family.

But what exactly were you planning on doing

when the killer showed up?

- You think they're gonna come here?

- Who knows what they'll do?

They're killers.

- Well, we were planning on cashing out

the second escrow closed.

- Look, I don't have an agenda here,

but I think that's a good idea.

Because if and when those killers show up...

- And they probably will.

Probably.

- They're gonna want their money.

- In cash.

- Richard.

(frantic music)

Oh my god.

Oh my god, the dogs.

Richard!

- Bring $983,000 to the Hyperion parking lot

Tuesday at noon, no police or else.

And then this doesn't make any sense,

it's a drawing of a dead camel.

- Wait.

That's not a camel, that's a Labradoodle.

- Really?

It's pathetic.

Oh my god, it's from the killers!

It has to be!

- (stutters) We don't know that!

- Who else could it be?

We didn't tell Cooper and Paige the exact amount.

- Oh, so we're not being blackmailed by family

well that's a plus.

- Yeah, it really warms the heart.

- [Alex] Oh my god I hope they're okay.

It is so awful, it's so unfair.

(sniffles)

I'm gonna call the police.

- No, wait!

Alex, no, you can't!

It says no police.

- I don't care!

They stole my babies!

We're not playing by their rules.

(phone rings)

- Detective Kirshman, homocide.

- [Alex] Hi, it's Alex Reardon, there's...

There's been a kidnapping.

(sobbing) Oh god they took our baby!

- Oh Jesus, okay, just calm down.

We're on the case.

Tell me everything.

- We, Richard and I, we came home

and we found this ransom note

by whatever sick fuck did this.

- Okay, don't you worry.

I live for this shit.

Now just tell me the names and ages

of each of the victims.

- Yeah, Hailey is six, Kaitlyn is five,

and Nick is...

(crying)

Nick is two.

- Oh my god.

Okay, I need you to come down to the station

and bring some pictures, and can you send me one ASAP?

- Yeah.

Hmm...

Aww.

- They're adorable.

- [Alex] Yeah, they're our babies.

Thank you, thank you so much.

- Okay.

(sighs)

- Are they gonna even do anything?

- They better!

That's our tax dollars at work.

- [News Anchor] We're bringing you live team coverage

of this truly awful local story out of Silver Lake.

The LAPD has just issued a statewide Amber alert

for these three missing children.

- Oh Jesus, what the hell is this?

- Oh my god, there's an Amber alert

for Richard's sister's kids?

- Just a toddler who misses his daddy.

- No, there's an Amber alert for Alex and Richard's dogs.

- I didn't know you could do that.

- You can't.

- Anyone with information is urged to please

call the LAPD Amber alert hotline.

Do it, for the children.

- The mind of the kidnapper is a vacant, empty basement.

These people frequently suffer from addiction

to drugs, alcohol, and Facebook.

(fast-tempo music)

- [Male Anchor] Hello.

- [Female Anchor] Hi, have you heard from the kidnappers?

- [Cameraman] Tell us about the victims.

- [Female Anchor] Was there any bite wounds?

- [Male Anchor] Who are you wearing?

- I got this at Clear's Boutique.

- (stammering) All we can say

is that they're all very well behaved, all of them.

- They're well-trained, actually.

- Except for with the postman,

they hump his leg like a horny little Hobbit.

- Well, it's the curry, it drives them crazy.

Oh, and I really shouldn't be saying this,

but Nick sort of has a crotch sniffing problem

if you wanna bring up where he got that.

- Hey, that's not appropriate.

- Wait, wait, wait, I've got a question for you!

- We really appreciate everything,

but isn't this a bit extreme?

- Extreme?

What could be more important?

Do you have some more pictures?

- Alex does.

- Okay, good, and I want to assure you

that we are doing everything possible

to find your children.

- Wait, did you say children?

- Yes, of course.

So, do you have the pictures?

- Yes Alex, show them to her.

Show them to her now.

- Richard, stop it.

- Is there a problem?

- We really appreciate everything that you've done,

but I think we're just gonna go home.

- Wait just a goddamn minute.

There was a kidnapping, right?

- Yes!

There was a kidnapping, that's true.

But...

(bag rustles)

- [Kirshman] What am I looking at?

These are pictures of dogs.

- They're Labradoodles, actually.

- They are dogs!

Why am I looking at pictures of dogs

with guns pointed at their snouts?

- Because they were kidnapped.

- They were my babies.

- Do you mean that I put an Amber alert out

on Labra-fucking-doodles?!

- I never said they were my actual children.

I mean, that's just stupid, right?

- You sent me pictures of children.

- No I didn't.

- Oh, yes you did.

- [Alex] Oh, jeez...

I mean, you asked for a picture.

That was the first one I found.

That picture is not of the children, clearly,

it's of the dogs.

- Detective, we are very sorry about this.

Aren't we, Alex?

- This is not my mistake.

- [Richard] Yes, we're sorry.

- You're sorry.

Are you fucking kidding me?

- Our dogs were kidnapped

and we still do need your help getting them back.

- Yeah, yeah, dog napping.

That's a crime, isn't it?

A crime?

That's a crime.

- It's a horrible crime.

- [Paige] I'm glad you came to us.

Kidnappings are our specialty.

- I thought you were grief counselors.

- We are, but if this doesn't work out,

we can help you through the grief process.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- [Cooper] I was speaking statistically.

And you're not a statistic!

Not yet!

- Well, look, I'm just going to give it to you,

if you pardon the expression, straight.

In these situations, most experts agree,

just pay the ransom.

- If we do that, then the kidnappers win.

- If you don't do it, you lose.

(oldies sleuthing music)

(gasps) - Oh no he did not.

(church bells ringing)

(vomits)

- [Cooper] Alright, there they are,

so drop the money off at the placement and location

and back off, you got it?

- Yeah, yep.

- Richard, bring them home.

- I will, baby.

I will.

- Oh dear god, can we just do this already?

(western standoff music)

- He's not backing off, why isn't he backing off?

- Oh Jesus.

(phone rings)

- Hey.

- Back off, please, you're supposed to back off, okay?

- Alright already.

- Come on, let's go.

Back off.

- You back off.

(western standoff music)

Jesus Christ.

- Oh god, it's just some guy in a tacky track suit.

(kidnapper grunts)

Oh my babies, my dogs!

Oh no, they look scared.

No, no, no.

Not my babies. - What are you doing?

(overlapping shouting)

- Come here, come here!

Come here!

- What is happening?

- You're so sweet!

- The hell is he doing?

- He is going back for our money!

(both grunt with effort)

(indistinct cooing)

- Look what you did!

- Aye, puta!

- Are you kidding me?

- Daddy's a hero!

(laughs)

(both laughing)

- Oh, oh shit.

I think that's vomit.

(groans) - Jesus Christ.

(mysterious music)

(speaking in foreign language)

(car horn beeps)

(door slams)

(speaking in foreign language)

- Si, ese loco hombre fucked us royally.

Okay, aqui, gracias.

- De nada, (speaking in foreign language).

- That is the last time I buy muscle on the 101.

- Is it just me or are we never getting our money back?

- Oh, we will get it back.

We just need to change our tactics.

- Oh?

Oh my god.

You're not suggesting putting out a hit on them?

- What? No.

He's my half-brother.

- No, of course not.

- No, we're gonna do the decent thing.

We're sending them to jail.

- [Kirsham] This must be so very hard for you.

- It is.

It's very, very difficult.

- This is about her dear brother, Alex Reardon.

R-E-A-R-D-O-N.

- And his husband Richard Nearly.

They are...

Gay thieves.

- Really?

What did they steal, rainbows?

- [Paige] They stole a million dollars

from Jake and Chloe Jones.

Then...

(sobbing) Oh god, this is a lot harder

than I thought it was gonna be.

They used the money to buy a fabulous house in Silver Lake.

- How do you know this?

- You've seen it, it's spectacular.

- How do you know they stole the money?

- [Paige] Oh, they told us.

- In confidence, which is why we're very

conflicted about this.

- Absolutely.

I have had acid reflux all morning.

- The money belongs to the orphans of Bhutan.

That's why we're here.

- For the orphans of Bhutan.

- Yes, God bless them.

- The LAPD is already investigating

your adorable brother and his lovely husband

and when the full extent of their little cha-cha

of crime comes to light, we are going to prosecute

to the fullest extent of the law.

- Can I help you?

- It's good, we're good.

(mysterious music)

- [Alex] Bhutan.

Oh Jesus.

(crashes)

Richard!

Holy shit.

Richard!

- [Richard] Why? What's going on?

Are you okay?

- I think Paige and Cooper killed Jake and Chloe.

- I believe that.

- Look, they were in Bhutan the same time

Jake and Chloe were killed.

Coincidence?

I don't think so!

- Do you really think your sister is capable of murder?

- Half-sister.

And check this out.

Lindsey Lohan would be impressed.

(gasps and laughs)

- Sorry.

(gasps)

- Turning in your family to the authorities.

It's never easy.

- We tried to take the high road

when we kidnapped their dogs.

- That cash is here, and we will find it, too,

once they're locked up.

- Yeah, but once they're arrested

won't the police search the house?

- Why didn't you bring that up before we went

to the LAPD?

- I just, it seemed that...

I mean, I thought maybe--

Do you want a Vicky?

- Yes!

But I can't have one!

Because I am motherfucking pregnant!

- All those people coming and going, day and night.

- We thought they were getting treatment,

turns out they were getting high.

(dogs barking) - And another thing,

it is bad enough that we have to live in his hell hole,

must we walk through dog shit to get there?

Get out of the...

Shut up!

(western standoff music)

Why do I feel like I've been violated?

- You're pregnant.

- [Alex] We recently have begun to suspect

that Paige and her husband are...

- Drug dealing murderers.

- You're saying your sister's a killer.

- She and her husband Cooper.

- C-O-O-P-E-R.

(Alex mumbles agreement)

- They were in Bhutan the same time

Jake and Chloe were killed.

- How interesting.

The sudden burst of conscience.

- Well.

- Especially since they just told me

that you bought your house with stolen money.

- They did what now?

- Those fuckers!

Who we love.

- But it's not from the recycling bin.

- What difference does it make?

It's close enough.

- But it's not gonna smell the same.

- I'm not asking them to sniff truffles.

Vomit is vomit.

(vomits)

Here.

- Oh my god.

Disgusting.

Not you, just your vomit.

Okay, doggies, come have a sniff.

Here you go, doggies, have a sniff.

- Goddamn.

- Momma just got a hard-on.

I don't, I don't want to touch it.

- I suspected you two were up to something

so I did a little checking.

I found out that you recently made a cash deposit

of almost a million dollars.

Now that raises big questions.

Not just for me, but the IRS.

- The IRS.

- We can explain that.

- There's also been a complaint filed against you

by something called The Porpoise Purpose.

- Yeah, we had a bit of a run in with them.

- What kind of a person stops payment

on a check to a dolphin?

- Technically, they're porpoises.

They're the people of the sea.

- And we're very, very sorry.

- I've got one more question for you.

Who the hell do you think I am?

- A detective.

- Damn right I am.

You know what that means?

I'm not your nanny or your therapist or your bitch.

I am a detective with the fine organization

that is the Los Angeles Police Department.

- Yeah, I think what he meant. - That's what I meant.

- So I'm gonna tell you how this is going to go down.

I will look into your precious half-sister.

And you?

You're going to make good on your Porpoise Purpose pledge.

- We would really like to.

We would love to, but we can't.

- Okay, well I'm off to the DA's

and then to the IRS.

They are going to be riveted by my investigation.

Especially your tweets.

(Kirshman laughs) - My tweets?

- [Kirshman] Yes.

- You follow me?

- Confession by social media, very cutting edge.

Hashtag guilty.

- You tweeted about this?

- No, of course not!

I..Yes, I did, I'm sorry.

- Night, now.

- [Alex] We have the cash.

We took out a second.

- Which we were, coincidentally,

going to donate to The Porpoise Purpose.

- Giving.

Feels good, don't it?

- Paige!

Paige, open this door!

They're gone.

Why would they...

Oh!

- [Richard] Those bastards, they took it.

How can people be so goddamn greedy?

- You're right.

Greedy people, who steal.

Who does that remind you of?

- Alex!

Oh come on, this is completely different.

- Is it?

How, exactly?

- Don't be like this, Alex.

We did all of this for the orphans and for the dogs.

- Richard, enough.

- What?

- You know what.

Can we just be honest with ourselves for once?

(sighs)

- I just really wanted our house.

- That's great, if we could afford it.

- Well, we can.

Okay, maybe we can't.

- No, we definitely can't,

and now we're gonna lose it, why?

- Because your sister is an evil, manipulative freak?

- Aside from that.

It's like this obsession with you.

- Me?

Okay, okay, okay, so I'm the only one who wanted this.

- It's like you're trying to prove something.

(scoffs) It's like you want to be...

(gasps) - Don't say it!

- Straight!

- Don't you dare say that to me!

- It's true, isn't it?

You have straight envy.

- Me?

You're the one with straight envy!

You're the one who wants to adopt every

orphan and stray dog, Angelina Jolie!

- Well, what's wrong with that?

- [Richard] Maybe I don't want that.

- [Alex] Well...

You don't want to adopt?

Really?

- Alex, wait.

- No, you tell me.

Tell me right now.

- Of course I want kids.

But...

I'm just afraid they're not gonna let us.

Me, I'm afraid they're not gonna let me.

- What?

- Well...

Think about it, it's been months

and we still haven't been approved.

Obviously it's not because of you.

(sighs)

I just thought that maybe, maybe...

I love you so much.

I don't want you to look at me one day

and figure out that I'm not perfect.

(tender music)

- I already know.

- You do?

- You haven't disappointed me.

You couldn't, not really.

I love you.

- I love you, too.

- Let's get rid of this goddamn house.

(mumbling)

- So they are ready to make an offer.

It's low, but acceptable.

- No, absolutely not.

- [Cooper] Look at the bright side,

we're keeping the property in the family.

- Excellent, right?

- Jealousy.

It's a disease.

Get well soon, bitches.

(overlapping yelling)

- [Richard] Hi.

- [Alex] Oh, hey.

- [Richard] Hey.

- First of all, we are so, so, so sorry.

- Yes, very sorry.

- What happened has nothing to do with how we feel

about you or your organization or the porpoise.

It's our new favorite mammal.

(imitates porpoise)

- That's cute.

- Thank you.

- [Richard] And so, we would like to make good

on the donation that we promised...

...in monthly installments.

Here.

Wait, where you going?

That's it?

Don't we get a thank you?

- A thank you?

It's one thing to make a million dollar donation,

but then to give us stolen money

and then take it back to buy a house?

And even though you gave me a check for $1,000

just to avoid going to jail, you want a thank you?

- We'd settle for a receipt.

- Ungrateful.

- Do you think we're gonna get the receipt?

- Oh Jesus, what happened?

- We were robbed by very messy thieves!

- Well, who would be stupid enough to rob us?

- Someone stupid with acid reflux.

But we just told you who did this.

- Yeah, yeah, I know.

It is with great difficulty that you implicate

your beloved sister-in-law, right?

- No, it's not.

She did this.

- And she should fry.

- This evidence is circumstantial.

Just let us do our investigation,

something else will turn up.

Now, do you have any idea what was taken?

- Yeah.

She...

She took this.

- That thing?

It's hideous.

You should thank her.

- (mockingly) It's hideous, you should thank her.

- [Kirsham] I heard that.

- Where did you find this?

- It was inside Edendale when we bought the place.

Why?

- [Lawyer] Because that is the Guntu Zangpo.

Ancient Bhutanese figurine.

Property of Bhutan's most ardent collector,

who died five months ago.

Jake and Chloe, known for their humanitarian work,

were also smuggling artifacts out of The Orient

and they owed me a great deal of money.

And the Zangpo was to be payment.

- So how much was it worth?

(laughs)

- Well, something like that is priceless, of course,

but I do know of a buyer who is willing to pay

10 million dollars.

- Are you telling me we had a 10 million dollar

tchotchke laying around the house?

- They took the Zangpo from you,

and now you're going to help me get it back from them.

- Hold on, we can't just go in there and steal it.

- If you do, I'll pay you 1/3 of its value.

That's $3,300,000.

- When do you want it?

- [Voiceover] Y'all say hello to my little friends.

(laughs)

Awful pretty, aren't they?

- Oh, I think I'm in love.

- [Richard] Hey guys, what's going on?

- [Cooper] Richard, now's not the time.

- [Alex] We missed you two.

We are family, after all.

- What do you think you're doing?

- [Cooper] No, no, no.

- [Paige] No, no.

(overlapping conversation)

- Look at this!

It's the Guntu Zangpo.

- Fresh from our apartment.

- Wait, your apartment?

I thought you said it was yours?

- It is.

Richard, you put that down right now

or I am calling the police.

- Oh, you want me to put it down?

Alright.

(all gasp)

- Oh dear Jesus.

- Oh, what did you do?!

(gasps)

Cooper, Cooper, Cooper, drugs!

- You know, she has gastroesophageal reflux

syndrome.

Look what you're doing to her, you freak.

- Chill, it's heartburn!

- Chill?

You fucking chill!

- [Alex] Hey, hey, back off!

For Jesus Christ, you're pregnant!

- [Cooper] Remember the baby.

- Okay, y'all, I've had a long day,

so I think Imma just go.

- Everyone calm down, look.

- Oh my gay God.

- What, there's another one?

- Very amusing.

- You didn't think he'd break something

worth 10 million dollars, did you?

- What, 10?

You're charging me 12.

- We are still negotiating.

Richard, give it to me.

- First, answer a few questions for us.

- Oh, give me a goddamn break.

- What?

You wouldn't.

- Try me.

- Just tell him whatever the fuck he wants to hear.

- Why did you go to Bhutan?

- Jake and Chloe were going to give our money

to those stupid orphans, so we followed them

to Bhutan to get it back, but it didn't work.

- And so you killed them?

- What?

We don't kill people.

We're therapists, we help people.

- Yeah, by selling them drugs.

- Drugs?

Oh my god!

We'll talk later.

- What?

That is not true.

- Really?

- Jesus Christ, fine, okay.

We hook people up.

You have to to get ahead of this town.

- I knew it.

- [Paige] Hand over the dragon!

- [Lawyer] First wait one goddamn minute!

- Sidney.

- Why is that man pointing a gun at us?

- [Richard] I thought we were handling this.

- Yes, well, you were.

Then I realized that you two have an issue with trust.

Give me the Zangpo.

- Oh, nuh-uh, hold up, sweetheart.

You want that thing, you're gonna have to come through me.

- Who the hell is he?

- He's a buyer.

Paige found him on Craigslist.

- [Sidney] Yeah, well I went all the way to Bhutan

for that figurine and I want it now.

- [Richard] You were there, too?

You killed them!

(laughs)

- Well, the official story is

I was driving over to meet them

and accidentally drove over them.

- [Alex] Twice?

- The way Bhutan modifies cars for the disabled

is a disgrace.

And all for nothing because those two

didn't have the Zangpo.

Jake was a liar.

- Yeah, try getting him to pay for a sick tree.

- [Buyer] You know what?

This is all very interesting,

but I think Imma just take this...

(gunshot)

(screams)

Oh my god, you shot me, you butthole!

This is Italian!

Oh my god, somebody, somebody call 911!

(groans)

- Thank goodness.

- Okay, that's it.

When Buddhists start shooting people,

something is very seriously wrong.

(gasps)

(tense music)

(thudding slice)

(urn crashes)

(Paige gasps)

(yelling and scuffling)

- Oh, oh, no!

(dramatic music)

(Zangpo crashes)

Oh no, no, no!

- You chose me over the sculpture.

- Honey, you are my brother.

Oh god, what have I done?!

- I am your brother, that's why I feel so ba--

- [Kirsham] LAPD nobody move!

- ...about throwing you in jail.

- [Kirsham] Get the paramedics up here ASAP

and maybe a coroner, too.

You alright?

- [Richard] We're good.

- [Cooper] What's going on here?

- I'm wearing a wire.

(Paige gasps)

And guess who just confessed.

- You're under arrest for unlawful sale

of prescription narcotics and refusal to comply

with a court order to demolish one dead oak.

- [Buyer] Those people are ruthless!

They're just, they're a menace!

That's what they are.

You know, they shouldn't even be allowed

to be out on the streets,

let alone allowed to sell antiquities.

I mean, I've seen trash in my day.

It's nothing like that.

- I hope we can someday be a family again.

- Me, too.

(slow music)

You can start by getting us

the best lawyer in Southern California.

- Yes, preferably one who's not a Buddhist.

- You broke both sculptures.

You threw away 10 million dollars.

You are insane.

- Come with me.

(creaking)

And voila.

The real Guntu Zangpo.

- My god, there were three?

- Yeah.

Well, the other two were fakes.

- How do you know?

- Well, this is the one that Jake and Chloe

sent back from Bhutan.

Plus, it's older and dirtier.

And I Googled it.

(laughs)

(foreign music)

- So this school was built by donations

from another American couple.

Perhaps you've heard of them.

- Honey, they really were good people.

- We still mourn their passing

and wonder who, now, will take over their good work.

- Hey, hey there.

We know you.

Kuenlay?

We saw you in a movie.

- Oh, Alex, no, remember, this isn't...

- Oh, oh god, I'm sorry.

- [Monk] This is Kuenlay's brother, Kuenphay.

- Hi, I'm Alex.

(soft music)

This is Richard.

- Hi, I'm Ri--

(Alex chuckles)

We actually have something for you.

- Oh, another Guntu Zangpo, it can't be.

(tender music)

Thank you.

Thank you.

This will take care of children for generations.

How can we ever thank you?

- What do you say, honey?

Can you think of some way he could thank us?

How would you feel about going back to America with us?

- [Richard] Coming home with us?

Yeah?

I think we're gonna need to buy a house.

(oldies swing music)

(calm music)

(mysterious music)