Original subtitles

Kaia.

I'm gonna stand.

I will not stand, or you're gonna have

to move this show to the dark web.

OK, players. Show your cards.

Boom!

Oh! Full house!

- Oh, my... - Kaia wins again.

This is not how I wanted this to go

or how any of you will have wanted this to go.

OK, Seth has to take another item of clothing off.

But before you're out of this game completely,

is there anything you want to promote?

Well, as you can see, I'm promoting

that my boxer shorts are from Kirkland

and that my circumcision is from Rabbi Bregman, so...

and he didn't do a great job, if I'm being honest.

Stop stalling. Take your shirt off.

Mm, I vote boxers off.

- Ooh! - "This is the End," Seth.

Time to show us that "American Pickle,"

your "Sausage Party."

Every movie I've done is a dick joke.

I'm about to be the first white male comedian

to expose himself to a bunch of women, but someone

- had to break that barrier. - Oh, yeah.

- Whoo! - Ready?

I'm not getting canceled today.

Never. You're never gonna get me.

Do this all night.

So I hear congratulations are in order.

Something very exciting happened to you.

Yes, I saw Jeremy Piven texting and driving.

No, I'm talking about something else.

You became a grandmother!

Oh, that's right.

That happened, too.

Would you like to see a picture?

Yes.

I kind of see a resemblance, don't you think?

Oh, I'm just kidding.

Here he is.

Aw!

That little peanut is my grandson, AJ, Aidan, Jr.

So what do you want your grandson to call you?

Well, I've actually given this a lot of thought,

and I finally arrived on... Aunt Deborah.

All right, well,

this one goes out to little AJ.

Welcome to Earth, little dude,

from your Aunt Deborah and Aunt Dance Mom.

♪ But you been so out of touch ♪

♪ Touch, touch, touch, touch ♪

♪ Thought about you way too much ♪

♪ Much, much, much, much ♪

♪ Over overthinking us, us, us, us, us ♪

♪ 'Cause you been so out of touch ♪

♪ You could have had my love ♪

♪ But you been so out of touch ♪

Oh.

Yeah.

I got a Mr. Heauxmeaux on line one.

Ms. Cece. Put her through.

Hi, Cece. How are you?

Hi, Jimmy. Strictly a work call.

We don't have to acknowledge we matched on Hinge.

OK, will not.

Just wanted to share some big news.

Old Navy wants Dance Mom to be a brand ambassador.

Are you serious? That's huge.

She's been such a hit on the show that they're also

committing to a major ad buy-in for the show

- through the end of the year. - Ah, that's amazing.

Deborah's gonna be thrilled, although I know

she doesn't like the color navy

and she hates the word "old," but still.

You'll need to hammer out the details for her fee.

But knowing their past deals, I think it'll be

a big payday for you guys.

Shit, Jimmy.

Sorry, I have to go put out a fire over at "Chicago Fire."

Well, if you ever want to get dinner...

What sucks is, I think I got sick

from the thermometer itself.

Was it a butt one?

Oh, my God!

Oh, the ratings! We're in third.

- We're not last. - We're not last?

We're not last.

- Fuck, yeah! - Oh!

I mean, this can only help with talent bookings, right?

Definitely.

I'm gonna circle back with Ariana's people.

Oh, great. Great.

In more good news, the studio wants

Ethan Sommers to come on to promote "Shadow Soldier."

Seriously? Isn't he a serial pervert?

Alleged serial pervert.

Oh. OK.

Well, um, is there anyone else?

You know, we should have a stand-up on the show.

You could really change someone's life.

At this point, our priority really should be inviting

guests with built-in audiences 'cause that helps build us up.

Let's just concentrate on our musical guests for now.

Perfect.

I saw that Gucci Mane is in town,

if anyone wants to come with me or has an in.

I don't know, I just think it's fat shaming.

And I think that's fat-joke shaming.

- Let's just do the alt. - OK.

Oh, what are you wearing to the Christening?

Oh, probably a bulletproof vest and a hard hat.

The church has been after me ever since I told that joke

- on "Comic Relief VI." - Oh, yeah.

My whole set was about how being an altar boy

seems like a great way to meet older men.

Yeah, they're not gonna like that.

Yeah, well, I can't believe DJ's raising my grandson Catholic.

They stalk me. They dox me.

Mark Wahlberg still sends me a rosary

every year... as a threat!

God.

There you two are!

Oh, Stacey.

Stacey, thank God you're here.

We've been looking for you everywhere.

- We were stuck. - We were lost.

Neither of you two thought to move the chair

that's wedged in the door?

- Whoa, that is weird. - Yeah, we didn't see that.

- That'll do it. - This is a real fire hazard.

I'm gonna have to report this to Buildings and Safety.

- That's terrible. - So much paperwork.

Fiddle!

How did she find us?

And background and action.

What is it, Lassie?

Mama's arm got caught in the loom?

Oh, no!

And cut!

She was good. That girl's good.

- It's dark, this thing, though. - Hey, here you go.

Oh, what's this?

Um, that is a coconut and La Roche-Posay.

OK. Uh, thank you.

Yeah, Ms. Schaefer says skin cancer runs in her family

and it's my job to keep her alive.

So, since you're covering for her,

I thought you might like them.

- Is that young enough for you? - What are you talking about?

Ms. Schaefer gets upset when the coconut isn't young enough,

so we just try to keep her happy.

Because if she's not happy,

does she go into any sort of mode?

- Half-gorilla mode, yeah. - Yeah, got it.

- I'm good. Thank you so much. - OK.

Hey!

Why aren't we filming? We're losing daylight.

Kayla, where have you been?

I've been covering for you all morning.

Some people are doctors. Have fun!

Also, I was gonna say thank you,

but you're too busy complaining,

sucking down my coconut, using all my La Roche-Posay.

Yeah, speaking of which, you can't be demanding

stuff like this just because you're a producer.

All these PAs are afraid of you.

I asked one if they'd seen you.

He looked like he was gonna pee his pants.

Who cares? Show him where the bathroom is.

- Call it a day. - OK.

Well, that doesn't answer my question.

Where have you been?

I was basically babysitting Dance Mom.

She went out partying again?

This woman is celebrating way too hard.

I mean, she almost had to get her stomach pumped.

But that mama really knows how to boot and rally.

Oh, my God.

I took her phone, deleted her posts,

got some Taco Bell in her system,

cheesy bean burrito.

Now she's back home sleeping like she's dead.

But she's not dead, right?

I mean, she was snoring like a foghorn out of both ends.

- Had to get out of there. - Oh, my God.

Dance Mom cannot be acting like this.

She's a brand ambassador now, and we're responsible for her.

This is... Ow!

Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!

- Bad Lassie! - Lassie just bit me!

Medic! Medic!

Fuck, I cannot believe this is happening again.

What do you mean, again?

Please don't be mad at me, OK?

But, yeah, you're the third person she's bitten on set.

What? That's a liability issue, Kayla.

Yeah, I know. It's really bad.

She's, like, crazy super violent.

But we only have four days left to shoot,

so we can't put her down yet.

Ow. Ooh, ow.

God, she really got you!

By the way, her owners are anti-vax.

Yeah, you're gonna need a lot of shots.

Here you go.

- Yeah. - Oh, my God.

Hi, little fella.

You're much cuter in person.

I'm your grandma...

Aunt Deborah.

Well, you know you're gonna have to give him

self-defense lessons.

You know, 'cause if he becomes an altar boy,

- he's gonna have to be ready. - Can... all right.

This is very important to Aidan and his family, OK?

I'm not gonna negate my husband's entire belief system

'cause you had some ancient beef with a dead pope.

All right?

Can you please just be cool, just for one day?

Yeah, absolutely.

I will be cool with you

turning this innocent baby into a papist.

Thank you.

Which, interestingly enough,

is just one letter away from rapist.

OK, we are not doing this today.

- OK. - No, we're not going to.

- We're not gonna do it today. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I was just trying to help.

OK, well, if you want to help, go steam the bonnet.

Yeah. I can do that.

Guess what.

Guess what. Guess what.

I want to introduce you to someone special.

Meet your Auntie Ava.

Ooh!

Oh!

Oh. Holy shit.

Beautiful baby, hot husband, thriving career...

women can have it all.

I mean, bitches need to stop complaining.

Totally. Look, as a single, childless woman

- who lives in a mall, I agree. - Right?

Anyway, I did not come empty-handed.

- I bought AJ some baby books. - What?

Let's see what we got. "A is for Allyship."

OK.

"One Fish, Two Fish, Gay Fish, They Fish."

Huh.

And the little one, "Ronny Goes Potty Where?"

is about gender-neutral bathroom use.

I cried when I saw it at the bookstore.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Well, I love it.

Thank you so much for the gift.

And you know what?

I actually have a gift for you, too.

Aidan and I wanted to see if you would be AJ's godmother.

Oh, my God. Are... are you serious?

Is this real?

As real as the topaz on my limited-edition

D'Jewelry cross.

Oh, my God, I... Wow.

I-I'm honored.

I would love to. Yes, I accept.

Yes? Yay!

Oh, yay.

I'm gonna get him a teeny, tiny little jacket.

OK.

Hi.

- Oh! - God, Kayla! Jesus Christ!

- You scared me! - You scared me!

- How did you get into my house? - We share a cleaning lady.

What, like, I'm not gonna have her make me a key?

OK, this is a violation.

We got to hire an HR person today.

It's urgent. Did Cece CC you?

Did Cece CC me?

Did you check your email?

Kayla, you know that I don't look at a screen

until after I have a full glass of lemon water.

OK, diva. Well, guess what.

Old Navy is revoking their offer to Dance Mom.

- No. What? Why? - Yeah.

Because they said that they found some "troubling posts"

on her social media that don't mesh well with Old Navy values.

I thought you scrubbed her social media.

I did! But I missed her Pinterest.

Excuse me, how can a Pinterest board be troubling?

The stuff she was pinning was nuts!

Softcore BDSM, hardcore ASMR,

women throwing peanut butter on themselves...

- I hope it was peanut butter. - Ew, what?

Cake farts, a lot of rugby fails.

What is a rugby fail?

It's when a rugby player falls and one of his balls

- pops out of his tiny shorts. - Fuck.

All right, we got to go take care of this.

- Let me just get my water. - OK, hurry!

Also, you're having a rugby fail.

What?

Marcus. OK, pretty in pink.

Holy Trinity is back, baby.

Oh, I'm the ghost one.

Congratulations, Deborah.

Thanks, sweetie.

Oh, I see Aidan. I should go say hi.

Yeah, good.

So? You don't call? You don't write?

I texted you yesterday.

You did?

Oh, my phone's been on silent.

Well, I want a good seat, so I'm going in.

You look great and relaxed.

Oh, thank you.

My hair's starting to grow back.

Oh! OK.

Wow, yeah, that's... I can... I believe you.

It's just baby hairs for now,

but it's definitely regenerating.

Yeah, totally.

Hey, pretty soon, you'll have dandruff like me.

Can you believe DJ had a fucking kid?

No.

I baptize you, Aidan Callum Paladecki, Jr.,

in the name of the Father

and of the Son

and of the Holy Spirit.

This priest has no stage presence, am I right?

Total snooze fest.

Behold the Lamb of God.

Behold Him who takes away the sins of the world.

Blessed are those called to the supper of the Lamb.

Lord, I am not worthy that you should,

but only say the word, and my soul shall be healed.

- Body of Christ. - Amen.

- Body of Christ. - Amen.

- Blood of Christ. - Body of Christ.

Amen.

- Blood of Christ. - Amen.

- Body of Christ. - Amen.

No.

No, Mom, you may not receive Communion.

When the hell did you become a Eucharistic minister?

How do you even know what that is?

"Know thy enemy." That's from the Bible.

No, that's from "The Art of War,"

which I know because you made me read it

when I was in the fourth grade.

That's right. You're welcome.

Body of Christ.

There you go.

- Body of Christ. - Blood of Christ.

Mm.

Ugh. Ooh, that's not bad.

Mo...

- Mm. - Mom, come on!

- Stop it. - Let go.

- Stop it. - Let go.

- Ladies, please. - Those crackers are dry!

Speaking of dry...

Jesus fucking Christ!

Sorry. Sorry.

You know, if you believe that magic,

you can get your guy to turn that back into water.

- Mom! - What?

Forgive us, Father.

We'll be right back.

We'll be right back.

- Just let go. - That's it! You listen to me.

You listen to me very carefully.

All my life, you have ruined every major event...

- Wha... - Every birthday party,

prom, the grand opening of Wet Seal!

But you know what? I'm fine with it.

I've made my peace with it.

But you will not ruin anything for him.

Do you understand me?

The cycle of narcissism stops here.

Or else.

Oh, you're threatening me?

You sound just like Pope John Paul II.

Yeah, I am,

because if you ruin anything for my gorgeous,

perfect genius baby, so help me God,

I will go something known as LC...

low contact...

or NC, no contact.

And you will have no relationship with him or me, period.

You understand?

Don't answer!

You're in time-out, little girl.

"Jurassic Park."

- This is Dance Mom's rental? - I know, right?

Oof.

- Hi. - Hey.

Hey, you guys.

Come on in.

OK.

- Oh, my God. - Place is huge.

Yeah. 10 or 12 bedrooms, I think.

Um, you might want to close your robe a little bit.

We can see your chichas.

I'm just airing everything out.

Frederick's of Hollywood just rides up

and suffocates the goods.

Holy shit. What is the rent on this place?

25K.

You're spending $25,000 a month?

- No, a week. - Oh.

I'm renting from Adam Levine and Behati...

Behati.

Adam's been really cool.

I just have to Venmo him if I want to extend another week.

And we've been... texting.

- Oh. - Oh, my God.

Maybe just direct deposit him or something?

- Yeah. - Looks like you had a party.

OK.

So what's going on?

More good news?

Bad news, actually.

Old Navy is revoking your deal because of your social media.

Oh, well, their loss.

No, our loss... your loss.

They just took back $1 million.

Sucks for them. I already spent it.

You already spent a million dollars?

Yeah, girl, it's not hard when you're living it up.

It's been 48 hours.

LA is expensive.

- Shit. - Oh, my God.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Stop! Stop!

That's bad! That's bad for you!

Steve Nash.

That's really dangerous, OK?

And think about your children.

What kind of example are you setting for them?

Oops, I guess I should tell you,

I don't have any kids.

- What? - That I know of.

Yes, you do. You're Dance Mom.

That's just my screen name.

I wanted to go with Mother of Dance,

but that was already taken by some Janet Jackson freak fan.

And so I'm Dance Mom.

It's not my fault if people assume I have kids.

Sorry, but it's absolutely your fault.

You are constantly talking about how much

you love your kids in your videos.

I'm talking about my dances.

My dances are my kids.

I'm Dance Mom, Mother of Dance!

What are you not understanding about this?

I'm so sorry.

I haven't offered you anything to drink.

Y'all want a BuzzBall?

I have green and white flavor.

I mean, I guess I'll take a green.

No, thank you.

We're not having a BuzzBall. We're good.

That's my new Ducati.

Adam says he wants a picture of me on it.

Ew!

Oh, my God.

It's a hard choice, I know.

Why don't you pray on it?

Blessings.

May I be taken out of time-out?

Depends.

What do you have to say for yourself?

That I've heard you, and I would never,

ever ruin anything for him.

Good.

And if that is true, then you may remain in RC, regular contact.

You know, DJ, I know you think that this is all

about my personal beef,

but there's a lot about all of this

that I am not wild about.

Yeah, I understand that.

But, listen, I just want to give my son

what I wish I had as a kid.

I gave you plenty of access to gay men

in robes who loved singing.

I didn't have a community growing up like Aidan.

And I was a really lonely kid.

You were surrounded by comics

in every greenroom we ever visited.

I mean, you and Dennis Miller were pen pals.

- And that was weird! - Why?

Oh, ugh, you know what? Let's just... let's stop.

Let's stop talking about that, OK?

- OK. - The bottom line is,

this is important to Aidan and his family.

And I don't think that you should be criticizing people

for believing in something

when you have never believed in anything.

OK.

Um, look, I mean, maybe I don't.

I... but, I mean, do you believe in this, really?

Oh, no.

No. No, I believe in this.

A...

chunky crucifix.

No, this gorgeous cross made out of hematite.

Now, hematite is just a normal-looking mineral, right?

But if you toss it in a tumbler for a few days,

it turns into this beautiful, shiny stone.

- Right? - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Did you know they found hematite on Mars?

I mean, what does that even mean?

I-I don't know.

And did you know that seashells

grow in the same pattern as the Fibonacci sequence?

Mm.

Are you seriously gonna tell me

that there's not a higher power

when we are surrounded by all of this crazy, freaky,

natural hidden beauty?

This still doesn't explain why you became

a Eucharistic minister in a Roman Catholic church.

Oh, that's marketing.

Oh, yeah, I'm getting face time with new customers

every single Sunday.

I've sold more product in two months

than I have in the last three years combined.

Whoa. OK, I-I can get behind that.

Oh, yeah, these Jesus freaks,

they come with a lot of cash for the collection basket.

They're sitting ducks.

Why didn't you tell me this before?

I don't know.

Maybe my religion is pissing you off.

Hmm. That would explain the eye shadow you're wearing.

You looking to go back to NC?

Mm-mm, no. I like RC.

OK, I'd walk away before you say something stupid.

OK.

Why don't you hit that confessional booth?

Dude, being in a Catholic church

is just reminding me of all the stuff

I just do not fuck with...

the ingrained misogyny, the rampant abuse,

forcing children to read Latin.

Oh.

But don't tell anybody, 'cause I'm the godmother.

That's major. My godfather, Scott, was the best.

He was so smart and accomplished.

He taught me long division early,

so when we got to it in school, I secretly already knew how.

Just destroyed everyone in class.

- Bam, bam, bam! - Whoa.

I haven't done math in, like, nine years.

I'm more of a verbal-skills bitch.

Huh.

And he helped me figure out how to come out to my family.

I don't know what I would have done without him.

OK, this is sounding like a lot of responsibility.

You're kind of freaking me out.

Oh.

Ava, honey, there is no reason to be freaked out.

You'll never be as good as Scott.

He's a member of Mensa.

OK, OK, OK, enough. Let's... let's go back inside.

- You go. I'ma head out. - What? No!

You cannot get me high and then ditch me.

- We're in this together. - We are not.

I just realized I can leave.

There were so many years where I would have to be

right back in that church, but now I don't.

- See you around. - Marcus.

No.

Thank you guys so much for coming, again.

- Of course. - We really appreciate it.

Yeah. Bye.

Hey, I'm really sorry to renege,

but I do not have what it takes

to be a single working godmother.

What are you talking about?

I'm not stable at all. I'm a lunatic, OK?

I had a psychotic break at work.

I smoked weed at a baptism... this one.

I can't do long division at all.

I'm so sorry, but the deal's off.

I don't need you to teach him long division.

I'm not raising a nerd.

Still, if you guys die,

I am not the right person to be his spiritual guide

or his legal guardian.

I don't need you to be his spiritual guide.

He's got me.

And if we die, Aidan's parents are gonna take care of him, not you.

Oh. OK. Yeah, that's better.

I asked you to be his godmother

'cause you understand my mom.

Oh.

You believe in a version of her that I never could.

I want him to know that version, not mine.

It's too clouded with my own bullshit with her.

I wish I could have the relationship

that you guys have, but I can't.

So I think you'd be the perfect person for the job.

OK, I can do that.

My mom's nuts.

Hey, can you sneak back in there

and fill this with holy water for me?

Holy water?

My next line of D'Crosses that I'm designing

has little vials of the stuff in it,

but I can't risk getting caught, you know,

and getting stripped of my Eucharistic ministership.

They're very strict... about some things.

Godmama got you.

Thank you.

What's wrong, Aunt Deborah?

Oh, DJ accused me of not believing in anything.

I don't know.

I was just thinking about that.

Well, everybody believes in something.

Like, what do you think happens when we die?

Well, I don't believe in heaven.

Totally.

But I do believe in hell.

- What? - Oh. Oh, yeah.

No, there's got to be a place where truly wicked people...

and I'm talking, you know, pedophiles, murderers,

tax auditors...

are punished for their horrific crimes here on Earth.

Heaven is fake, but hell is real.

We need that on T-shirts.

Great.

That T-shirt will be my legacy.

Give one to little AJ.

It'll be the only thing he learns from his grandmother.

What do you mean?

My grandson is gonna be a Catholic

living in another state with somebody else's last name.

I promise you, he will know you.

Well, I hope I'm around long enough that he gets to.

You will be.

And you have this incredibly rare thing.

You have an amazing body of work that he can always see.

That's another way he'll know you.

That's why we have to be sure we're making

the best show we can.

What about you? What do you believe?

I don't know.

I think, when we die,

our bodies just become useless husks.

That's why I'm always saying, fuck my corpse.

Excuse me. What?

OK, sorry.

Make love to my corpse.

OK, you can get out now.

OK, could you just drop me off by that Aritzia?

Well...

Peace be with you.

And also with you.

You know, I think you do believe in something.

My name's Ahamed Weinberg.

That's my real name.

My dad's a Jew who converted to Islam.

He's the only one to do that.

My mom's white, too. She converted from Catholicism.

The answering machine in my house growing up

was, "As-salaam alaikum. You've reached the Weinbergs."

That's true.

"Please leave a message."

Nobody left a message ever.

Have fun, dude.

Hey.

- Uh, hey. - Great set.

Thank you so much.

It's... it's so nice to meet you.

You're welcome. Nice to meet you, too.

What are you doing Friday?

Does anyone here believe in God, by the way?

- Yeah! - Whoo!

OK, a few guys.

Does anyone here believe in ghosts?

Yes, sir!

Way more. That's so weird.

That's very LA.

Do you believe in God? No.

Do you believe in ghosts? Oh, yeah.

Dude, I don't believe in a man in the sky.

I'm not stupid.

But there is a guy in the kitchen, for sure.

All right, guys, that's my time.

Thank you so much. Really appreciate it.

Thank you.

Come over! Come over.

Give it up for Ahamed Weinberg!

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -