Original subtitles

There's gotta be some creative way

to get out of this non-compete.

Ms. Vance, I'm honored you came to me,

but don't you have some white-shoe guys

that can handle this for you?

I've tried. I axed my attorneys.

I hired and fired six more firms.

I even tried Judge Judy, who I don't even care for.

Oh, really? I like her.

None of them could find a legal way for me

to perform for the next 18 months.

But I... I think that you are the man who could find a loophole.

I really wish I could, but the network's

got you locked up, and they've threatened

damages if you violate it.

Then I'll pay.

Even if you were to cover those astronomical costs,

no venue, big or small, would ever even take that risk.

They'd be on the hook too.

Look, Ms. Vance.

I don't mean to overstep, but I remember reading

in a United Airlines in-flight magazine

that you were a contract hawk.

What happened?

You never imagine you'd walk away from your dream job.

Well, I'm sorry. I can't help you.

But if you ever get surgery and they leave

an instrument inside of you, even a sponge,

you give me a call.

We can make a lot of money.

Thanks.

Yeah. And, uh, we don't validate.

It's the property, not me.

Oh, make sure you close that door behind you.

I don't wanna lose the cat.

He tends to, you know, run out.

Where is the cat?

Okay, I got it.

I'll suck Bob Lipka's dick.

What?

To get him to let go of the non-compete.

I mean, my blow job's not great,

but how bad could it possibly be?

Okay, nobody wants a subpar blow job.

Also, please, I don't need any more of my clients

doing stuff with him.

I just feel like it's my fault.

If it weren't for me, she'd still have her dream job.

Sure, but if it wasn't for you,

she probably wouldn't have gotten it in the first place.

I guess.

You guess right.

Look.

I know you feel guilty, but this was her decision, okay?

I'm sure your feelings around that are complicated,

and hers are, too, but the best thing you can do

is to get her to start writing again.

Help take her mind off what happened.

You're right. You're right.

And if that doesn't work, have you thought of a take

for Greta Gerwig's "Catcher in the Rye"?

Because she's taking meetings.

I thought Holden Caulfield being a girl was the take.

No, the gender flip is the twist.

But what's the take?

You don't think I could give one out-of-this-world blow job?

No.

Honestly, you know what I think we do?

I think we spend the next 18 months writing

so that when the non-compete expires,

we have a ton of new material

and we can hit the ground running.

I also had a thought.

Have you considered pitching a reboot of "Who's Making Dinner"?

I don't own the rights.

- You don't? - No.

Frank only put his name on the pilot,

which made him the creator.

I... I didn't know it worked like that.

Well, we should be getting back to our roots anyway.

A new hour, all about the crazy last few years of your life.

No. I'm not... I...

I can't do a whole new special and practice it

in front of a mirror with a hairbrush microphone.

I need to be onstage, workshopping it with crowds.

They tell me what works and what doesn't work.

If I'm not on that stage, I...

I have nothing.

It's only 18 months.

That's... that's a long time for me.

You'll survive.

I think I'm gonna go back to Vegas.

Great.

I could use a recharge too.

Nothing like that 110-degree heat

to jolt you back to life

or lull you into a heat-induced coma.

I'm up for whatever, though.

I...

I wanna be alone for a bit.

Oh, okay.

Sure.

Makes sense.

My first guest is a very special little cutie.

Please give a warm welcome to AJ Vance Padalecki.

My producers tell me you recently rolled over.

What's next, crawling?

And how do you find time for yourself

in between drinking milk and spitting it up?

Well, that's all the time we have.

Hmm.

Excuse me, Foreman.

Okay. Who let a diva on the floor?

How are you?

Good.

They didn't deserve you.

Well, now they don't have me, so that works out.

Wow.

Wanna show me around?

Yes, yes. Right this way.

We produce polycrystalline silicon cells,

and then we sell them to the solar panel manufacturers.

Ah.

The biggest hurdle was getting a translator,

because we procure most of the materials overseas.

But now that that's handled, the immediate margins

are large and consistent.

That's interesting.

I want Deborah Vance Industries back.

What?

Deborah, that's a done deal.

They're not gonna reverse it.

I could approach them about you being a brand ambassador,

but that wouldn't give you much input on the business side.

Come on.

Don't you miss it too...

the creativity, the conniving?

Is this what you really wanna be doing?

I've never even heard you mention solar power before.

You don't even bring up the sun very often.

Of course I miss conniving, but this is profitable.

And that's my goal right now.

Yeah?

Sure.

I'm sorry.

I can't perform.

I don't even own my own name.

Did you wanna see the tubes?

No.

They're smaller than you think.

Why do you have only one shoe on?

I was resting in between.

Marty's on the phone.

Take a message.

I tried, but he said he needs to talk to you.

It's an emergency.

I'll take it. I'll take it.

Hey.

What's going on?

I just don't think I can pull off velvet.

Again, this was not an emergency.

It's a fashion emergency.

You know, you might wanna let that waistline

out a little bit.

I can tell he's sucking in his gut.

Okay. All right.

Hey, uh, Ully, can you give us a couple of minutes?

- Yeah. - Thank you, sir.

What?

- How's Victoria? - Ah.

Didn't realize you knew her real name.

You usually just call her "Oldie Hawn."

I looked her up.

She's very elegant.

Hmm.

So I had an idea.

You know how I'm part owner of a hotel in Hawaii?

Why don't you go there for a bit?

Penthouse suite is available.

Take it as long as you want.

Just get the hell out of here.

On me.

No. No, I couldn't.

Why couldn't you?

You know I don't do vacations.

I can't stand sitting around all day, doing nothing.

I just keep wishing I was working.

Remember in Santorini?

I turned that taverna into an open mic.

You did a half hour on feta.

It was 20 minutes.

Yeah. That's Deb.

I know you live to work.

It is one of my favorite things about you.

But for the first time in your life, you can't.

And so maybe it's worth trying to enjoy doing nothing

because, well, there's quite literally nothing you can do.

You know, we had fun in Greece, huh?

Yeah, we did.

So Hawaii.

What do you think, huh?

♪ Humunukunuk Hawaii ♪

♪ When the humuhumunukunuku ♪

- This is so exciting. - I know.

The resort section of Deborah's closet

finally gets her day in the sun.

Some of those caftans had given up hope,

but I never stopped believing in them.

You know, the nice thing about vacation

is you can be matchy-matchy, and it's okay.

Yeah.

I can't believe she's gone for three weeks.

- I know. - I'm finally gonna get my ulcer removed.

You haven't done that yet?

No, and don't tell her I have one.

Oh.

Ooh.

Mahalo, Josefina.

Hello.

Do I look like fun and flirty vacation girl?

You look like Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.

Both are sexually viable.

Let's rock.

I'm so excited for Hawaii!

I hear the poke is more than okay.

And you sound like him too.

Okay. All right, girl.

Uh, girl, don't be stingy with the Don Julio.

I paid good money for that.

I bought it.

You know, I'm glad they're blowing up the Tropicana.

Shit, I got scabies there in '94.

- Somebody's gotta pay! - Ooh.

Ooh, ooh, it's starting. It's starting.

Three, two, one.

No, wait! I left my AirPods in there!

Damn.

- It's the end of an era. - Mm.

- Yeah. - I know. It's so sad.

It's like, Vegas used to be so gritty and fun,

and now every hotel is owned by some mega conglomerate.

Corporate greed. Mm.

Mom, you crossed a picket line to take a yoga class.

Baby I told you, it was non-refundable.

Mm. That's hard.

And like Wilson said, Vegas has changed.

I mean, there's no more boutique hotels.

There's chains everywhere.

It just feels sterile.

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, I miss Vegas being dirty.

So you gotta make dirty for yourself.

Last night, I fed a "Magic Mike" dancer a Popsicle,

and I didn't use my hands.

- Ooh. - Jesus Christ.

We ought to hang out more. I like that.

Oh, I... I can teach you a few things, baby.

Would you ladies like anything to drink?

- Oh. Mimosa. - What pairs well with Xanax?

- Thank you. - Oh, um, water?

Good looking out, doc. Thank you.

You want a little something to take the edge off?

Uh, no, thanks. I'm fine.

Smart. Benzo use is highly correlated with dementia,

but that's a tomorrow problem.

Mm.

This place looks so sick.

We're gonna have so much fun.

We are gonna relax to the max.

Nothing to do but chill.

10:00, chill. 10:30, chill.

11:00, chill. Oh, I'm late.

I gotta go chill. I'm so excited.

Guided meditation.

They have unguided meditation.

They have semi-guided meditation.

Wonder what that's about.

Shit, they have a sensory deprivation tank.

Have you done that? It is so sick.

You are completely in the dark.

You can't see. You can't hear.

The water is your body temperature,

so you are just, like, totally alone with your thoughts,

completely unaware of your physical body,

just mind, mind, mind.

It's, like, complete solitude.

I think they have it for, like, an hour.

Some people do, like, three hours.

I'd be kind of into that. It feels psychedelic.

I feel like that could be crazy.

The "honk-shoos" are hitting me, so I am gonna set sail.

But I will see you in Kauai, my guy.

Good night.

Good night.

♪ We're here! ♪

That was fast.

- Uh-huh. - What?

Spooky dream.

Had a really spooky dream.

Ooh. Okay.

But I was naked, covering myself with pillows

from my childhood bedroom.

And I had a collegiate level math test

that I hadn't studied for.

But then the dream turned lucid,

and I grabbed a witch's broom and was just kind of soaring.

- Mm-hmm. - It was really awesome.

Deborah Vance?

Um, I think it's pronounced "aloha."

Right this way.

Thank you.

We're supposed to get a lei, right?

Supposed to give you one? A lei.

I don't know. I'll find it later.

I'm not worried about it.

Oh!

What?

Holy shit!

I did not know about this.

Is this new?

Deborah!

Welcome to Changi Airport.

Um, Deb... Deborah?

Deborah.

Um, I don't wanna put anybody's job at risk,

but I think the pilot fucked up.

We are not in Hawaii.

No, we're not.

We're in Singapore.

- Singapore? - Yes.

The one in Asia?

That's the one.

What happened to Hawaii?

Oh, we went. You missed it. We stopped to refuel.

I wanted to tell you, but you were out cold for 18 hours.

I don't think that was a Xanax.

I think you took a horse tranq.

Why are we in Singapore?

I'll show you.

Please tell me this isn't for a tax reason.

I'll get you a lei, okay?

Will you please tell me where we are?

I really don't like surprises.

I have, like, four period tracking apps.

Here we are, the Resorts World Sentosa Casino.

God, I love the smell of air-conditioning.

What happened to Hawaii?

I was gonna take an ethical hula dancing class

and drop in on a coastal cleanup.

Oh, screw Hawaii.

I made some calls on the plane, and I negotiated myself

a limited run in the theater here

- in the casino. - Wait, wait, wait.

But you can't... you can't perform.

That's the thing.

I won't be performing, per se.

I found a loophole in the contract.

There's always a loophole.

If I'm performing through a translator,

I'm technically not performing.

The translator is.

So we need to write material for Singaporeans?

No, no, no, no.

It's mostly tourists here.

So we have to come up with material for people visiting

the casino and then translate that material

into Chinese, Malay, and Tamil.

Chinese, Malay, and Tamil.

Chinese, Malay, and Tamil.

This is insane.

Why don't you just perform in America

and have it translated to another language?

No, no theater in America or even Europe

is gonna take the legal risk. No.

In Singapore, they're not afraid.

This is the greatest municipal city-state in the world.

Wait. Where are we staying?

Here, in the casino.

No! Not again!

Come on. It'll be fantastic.

Please?

Well, I have been wanting you to write material again,

so yeah, let's do it.

Yeah! That's the spirit.

Okay, let's check in and get to work.

Tomorrow night's our first show.

- Tomorrow night? - Yeah.

I kicked some old guy out of his residency.

- Come on. - Uh!

Thank you. Thank you.

You know, I just learned that the United States

is 15,000 times bigger than Singapore,

and that's just our waistlines.

Not bad.

Not bad?

This is heaven. Cheers.

That's my kind of shade.

It's just the color of my skin, so... I'm solid.

Yeah, two glasses of champagne, please.

Glasses? Two bottles!

Okay. Thank you.

Thank you.

- Whoo! - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

Oh!

He's like, Deborah Vance, I'm a huge fan.

Another thing I found out is, you guys love caviar.

You've got a Rolex store on every corner.

You should be called "Singa-rich."

"Singa-rich."

Okay, I don't speak Mandarin,

but I know you butchered that joke.

Me?

Tell them you butchered the joke, not me.

All right. There we go. There we go.

You know, maybe we should work on a new opener.

Not now, honey.

You know, I like watching an adult film backwards,

because then it's about being rewarded for sex, with a pizza.

Pizza!

Thank you. Thank you.

Whoo! Whoo!

Deborah! Deborah!

What? Hi.

Oh, my God. That is so good. Have I had four?

Oh, my God. I've had four.

Don't tell. Don't tell.

So next time, but I just think...

Wonder who that could be.

Surprise!

Karaoke time!

Player bank. Player bank.

Player has 6 and 7s.

And banker has 5.

Third card for banker.

Deborah?

Deborah?

_

Don't let me finish all this caviar by myself.

It's all yours. You know what?

Let me get you another glass of champagne.

Okay. Or, you know, anything.

- Surprise me. - Okay. All right.

Hey.

Hi.

So, um, what do you think?

Maybe tomorrow, we'll get some breakfast,

and we can flesh out that material

about Americans traveling abroad?

Oh, I can't.

I've gotta call bingo at a private brunch.

Can you cancel it?

Oh, no. I couldn't. No.

Zhang Xiu Ying would be very upset.

You know how she gets.

Who's Zhang Xiu Ying?

You met her.

Her daughter goes to Oxford.

She took us to the Tory Burch event.

I don't... I don't remember.

That's where I got these.

Doesn't ring a bell.

Okay, I'll get you a bingo card in case

you wanna meet her again.

The prize is a Piaget watch.

I'm good.

Yeah.

Deborah, we haven't worked on new material in months.

The whole point of quitting the show

was to get back to what we love.

I am doing what I love.

I'm drinking champagne.

You're doing all old material.

Aren't you getting bored?

Mm, nope.

Last night, you fell asleep onstage.

I did not fall asleep.

I was resting my eyes.

Wengyao did 20 minutes.

They had to cut your mic because you were snoring.

I don't snore.

Babe, you snored.

Okay, I think we should go home.

Why?

Because it's beautiful here, but it is not real life.

I'm not happy here, and I don't think you are, either.

I-I'm... I'm having a ball.

It's really not healthy.

You're drinking way too much.

I'm worried about you.

You're worried about me?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, but you're not acting like yourself.

And I feel like you've given up.

Given up?

Given up?

I-I took a late-night show to number one.

And, you know, regardless of your judgment of my material,

I perform every night.

What do you do while you're here,

except follow me around with your empty little notebook

and your big shorts?

If you're so unhappy, why don't you just leave?

Okay.

Actually, why are you still here?

You brought me here.

And honestly, I didn't wanna leave you alone.

I didn't ask you to stay.

I mean, you're in your 20s.

All you've ever done is work for me.

I have an amazing life.

I've done everything.

What have you done, and why aren't you doing it now?

You're just drunk, and you're trying to hurt my feelings.

I've had four drinks. I'm sober.

I'm just telling you the truth.

You're 29 years old, and I'm your only friend.

Isn't that weird?

It's weird.

You need friends.

And a boyfriend, or a girlfriend,

or, you know, a they-friend, whatever the hell it is

that you want, instead of just sitting here, scolding me.

Wow.

Okay. Yeah.

You're right.

I don't know what I'm still doing here.

I'm gonna head home tomorrow morning.

I think that's the healthy choice.

Have a safe flight.

Yeah.

Hello.

- What happened to Deborah? - What do you mean?

When was the last time you saw her?

What are you talking about?

TMZ is reporting she's dead.

- What? - It's all over the place.

I... I gotta call you back.

The mailbox is full and cannot accept

any messages at this time. Goodbye.

Come on!

Oh!

What?

Oh, my God. God.

God. Jeez.

It's too early for that.

I've got a headache.

I thought you were dead.

What?

- What are you talking about? - TMZ.

They published your obituary.

Oh, my God!

How does that even happen?

They do advance obits of famous people,

and sometimes they get leaked or misprinted.

Happened to Abe Vigoda more than once.

Jeez.

Son of a bitch! Did you read this?

I didn't get the chance.

"Legendary comedian Deborah Vance,

known for her sardonic wit, is dead at 72.

Vance's last few years have been marked by extremes:

the high of becoming the first female late-night host

and the low of abruptly quitting the show on air,

which led to the demise of the entire franchise."

They're saying I killed late night.

This is the lede to my fucking obituary?

Cunts!

Oh, my God.

They used the R word.

What?

- "Retired." - Oh.

They're saying I quit performing

and I retired to Singapore.

God.

Motherfuckers!

What are you doing?

I'm packing!

Get your shit. We're going home.

I'm packed; I was already leaving, remember?

That is not how I am gonna be remembered.

That will not be my legacy.

I'm no quitter.

We have some rewriting to do.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -