Original subtitles

Good morning.

To what do I owe the pleasure of a greeting at the door?

Well, I just wanted to be the first one

to congratulate you on receiving

the Courage in Comedy Award.

Oh.

I haven't heard of that one, but that's nice.

There'll be an event where

you'll be presented the award,

which is great for, you know, visibility.

Network is sponsoring it, so we'll all be there.

Oh, I see.

So the network is buying publicity for the show

is what you're actually saying?

A shot in the arm couldn't hurt.

Oh, God.

Please give me some news I can feel good about.

Unfortunately, that was the good news.

The bad news is Cher is

dropping out as a guest tomorrow.

What? Why?

She, quote,

"Doesn't want to do it."

- God. - Don't worry.

Talent is scrambling.

I will check in with them right now.

Fucking Cher.

What's going on?

Oh.

Um, I decided we should celebrate

all this month's birthdays in the office at once.

Some people don't like attention

and I don't want to spring non-consensual cupcakes

on anyone because, obviously, that can trigger people.

Oh, oh!

Come on.

Don't do it again.

This is an office, not a bowling alley.

I'm just trying to be a good boss.

You don't have to do all this.

It's enough you pay for their lunches.

I don't pay for them.

I subsidize the writers' lunches

because the studio caps orders at $9,

which in your world is the equivalent of one Pellegrino.

When are you going to learn you can't be their friend?

Why, because I'm their boss?

No, because you're annoying.

Oh.

I talked to talent.

The new DC show "Wolf Girl" got pushed up,

so we were able to book the lead, Ruby Rojas.

Oh.

Ruby Rojas?

That's what I said, yeah.

Great job, Rob.

Great get. Great get.

Great get.

A-am I missing something?

Yes. Ruby and I dated.

I almost married her, in my opinion.

You're going to have to sign a conflict of interest form.

Hello.

- Hi. - Yeah.

Just checking to see if you need anything else

from me before I leave for Wyoming.

I finally found a supplier that will provide

the right amount of bear urine that we need

to keep away the coyotes.

It's a proprietary blend of black and grizzly.

Oh, wonderful.

Yeah. I'm really excited about it.

And where are we on the candle rotation?

Cardamom, cardamom, eucalyptus, sandalwood,

cardamom, and then I'm back on Monday.

Oh, you're gone that long?

Well, the TSA will not give me the exception

to fly with the amount of bear piss that we need,

so I'm renting a U-Haul and driving.

Well, have a good trip.

Thank you. See ya.

- Hey! - There you are.

Yeah, so sorry about the phone tag.

Service is bad in here.

Just finishing up a quick set.

Should you be doing that?

I have to.

Fricking ten days overdue

and this is supposed to trigger labor.

If not, though, we induce on Friday.

Which is kind of why I wanted to talk.

I really feel like I need somebody here

that I trust, you know?

Oh, honey, I would love to come,

but it really would be risky

for me to bring in a guest host this early.

Oh, no, not you. Josefina.

Oh.

Well, I know how busy the show is.

You know, and you can meet him any time.

Plus, I really don't need

you seeing what I'm eating these days.

Well, Josefina would be happy to, I'm sure.

She loves babies.

Thank God.

One word of advice.

Do not let the nurses talk you into breastfeeding.

There's absolutely nothing wrong

with giving them baby formula.

As long as it's from Europe.

No, I can't breastfeed.

I don't want to take the rings out.

- Oh! - Did...

did your water just break?

Huh?

No, I think that's just piss.

Oh.

Excuse me! Hi.

Do you have time for a quick makeover?

Sorry, we're not even open yet.

Please.

I'm not just any customer, I'm an Americana resident.

OK?

I'm seeing my ex today

and she's, like, a 9.5 without makeup.

Damn.

OK, well, let's do it.

You are getting a beauty mark, though.

And I get to decide where and how big.

All right.

Come on. It'll be great.

Hello, hello.

Hey.

Where's my hug?

How are you?

Oh, I'm chilling.

- How are you? - Good.

You look great.

Um, I don't think I remember that beauty mark.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know me.

Woman of mystery.

Oh, shit!

- Oh, my God! Are you OK? - I'm good, yeah.

That's chill. This happens all the time.

- You sure? - No worries.

- OK. - Listen, um...

I know you and Deborah

don't have great feelings.

Probably mutually.

Your way or your direction, more so,

but, um,

I just wanted to say I hope...

hope you won't let our stuff affect the interview.

Yeah, um, I'm a professional.

I-I think I got it.

Right, right.

Cool.

By the way, congrats.

Looks like it was all worth it after all.

Yeah.

You know, um, I ran into Fabriziana.

She said you were seeing someone.

I'm really happy for you, by the way.

Thank you. Yes, um, I am.

I'm sorry if it was weird hearing it from her.

No, no.

And I'm sorry if it's weird

for you to hear that I'm also seeing someone.

Great.

As well as another person.

- Two people. - Oh.

I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

Love.

Being supah bi.

Amazing.

Ch-ch-ch...

anyway, um, great to see you.

I should probably head...

head on down to, uh,

the trenches.

Because we're, uh...

we're doing a desk bit tonight that I pitched.

It's super funny. I got to go finalize it.

Can't wait to see it.

- Super funny. - I bet.

Have fun out there.

Listen, hey...

razzle-dazzle 'em.

Hey, we really can't have these falling off the wall, OK?

Thank you.

Hey.

Here are the jokes for the apologies bit.

I like these three. The rest we need to beat.

You only liked three?

Yes. Where are the alts?

These are the alts. There are 20 jokes here.

Well, then we need more.

We shoot in an hour.

Well, then you have half an hour to write me better jokes.

OK!

All hands on deck.

We need more jokes for the apologies desk bit.

I'll type fast. Go!

- Uh, um... - Uh...

Uh, Deborah apologizes to the floor, um,

for always stepping on it in high heels.

OK. What else?

Deborah apologizes, uh, to science,

because she could have cured cancer or something

because she's so smart,

but that's not where her heart was at in undergrad.

She, like, wanted to do stuff.

- More fun stuff. - OK. What else?

Deborah is sorry to the grocery stores

that she doesn't buy anything there.

Because she doesn't eat.

Because she's really weird about food.

No, I get it. It's just not funny.

What else?

Come on, come on.

Great.

Here. Five pages of jokes.

Five pages?

There's too many alts.

There was just not enough. Now there's too many?

Well, I don't have time to go through all of them.

Can you narrow it down?

Well, I think they're all good.

Well, which ones are the strongest?

Let me see.

Maybe...

You know, it's quite literally your job

to pick the best ones.

I know. I just don't know

what the woman who likes wine o'clock

thinks are the best ones.

What is it exactly you do here?

Just print jokes out?

You're a glorified Kinko's employee now?

Well, actually, there is no more Kinko's.

I mean, there's FedEx Kinko's, which is pretty sad.

Oh, my God, Stacey!

OK, this one.

Does that put us in an anti-Irish barrel?

Fuck.

Do people know that Garfield was also

- the name of a president? - OK, forget it, forget it.

We're... we're cutting the bit.

- No! - Yes.

- We have to fill the minutes. - I know, I know.

Just go tell Ruby we're cutting the desk bit.

We'll need her for another act.

Come on!

No, no. We are done here.

Deborah, quick. What's your lip combo?

Iconic.

Hey, you.

Do you have the time?

Yeah, it's midnight.

Are you going to turn into a pumpkin?

You wish. Try wolf!

Oh, no!

Whoa!

Ferocious.

Reminds me of myself when Saks won't let me make a return.

But I want to know where you got that fabulous jacket.

Oh, that one.

Um, yeah, that may have disappeared from set.

Oh, naughty, naughty Wolf Girl.

I have a bit of a problem, Deborah.

I'm a bit of a klepto.

I took the jacket, the boots, the ring.

- I think I... - Oh.

And the ring that you mentioned.

Uh, I hear you might have a very funny story about that,

possibly concerning an ex-girlfriend?

I'm surprised you knew about that.

I mean...

it is a funny story.

OK. Who wants to hear it?

OK.

So before we were shooting "Wolf Girl,"

I was living in LA.

I was prepping, training 24/7,

and they sent me home with the ring

to practice wielding the flail.

Oh, yeah. Wielding the flail is a lost art.

Truly.

Anyway, my girlfriend at the time, she was home,

and, um, she found the ring.

And you can guess what she assumed.

Uh-oh.

Here come the brides.

Actually, she thought she'd beat me to the punch

and she proposed to me first with Wolf Girl's ring.

Oh, how embarrassing. Oh, God.

- No, no, no, no, no. - Oh, yeah.

Um, she got down on one knee.

- No. - Uh-huh.

It was very awkward.

Oh, and with a bezel marquise cut, too.

No wonder she's an ex.

Up next, Dance Mom!

Ava. I'm so sorry.

She totally caught me off guard.

- I would have... - No, it was great.

It was great TV.

I'm sorry.

It was hilarious.

It's hilarious.

Hi, Deborah. DJ's doing fine.

She goes in at 11:00 a.m. tomorrow.

We'll call you after.

And don't forget to lock the doggy door

at night because of the coyotes.

OK, bye-bye.

She thinks I don't know how to take care of you.

But we're going to be just fine on our own, aren't we?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, Cara. Oh, did you just fart?

Oh, honey.

Ah, jeez.

Jesus.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Did not mean to scare you.

It's OK.

We just...

weren't expecting you tonight.

No, I know, I'm sorry. I just... I had a hard day.

I was hoping we could hang.

I'm sorry, babe.

Uh, whoa.

Uh... what are you...

Sorry.

I was just trying to kiss you, I guess.

I mean, do you want to talk about what happened today?

Honestly, no.

I was hoping we could, like, hook up.

Oh.

What?

Um...

Maybe you better take a seat.

OK.

What's up?

It kind of feels like this is mostly about sex for you.

Mm...

yeah.

Is that crazy?

Uh, Em and I were talking

and it seems like you don't want to

get to know us past a certain level.

And that you don't want us to get to know you.

What do you mean?

You guys know me.

Ava Daniels.

Waltham's own.

Recently became allergic to shrimp.

We were kind of looking for someone

who would connect with us emotionally as well.

Yeah. We're not just sex freaks.

We did meet at a sex shop.

Yeah, but you're not vulnerable with us.

And we were hoping that that would eventually change,

but it hasn't.

And I don't want you to think we're diagnosing you, but...

kind of seems like you're not over your last relationship.

What do you mean?

Well, I...

think she really hurt you

and you're afraid of getting hurt again.

You guys don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, OK.

Um, maybe we should just...

pump the brakes, hit pause on this.

OK, like, all three of us?

No.

We opened the circle to you,

and now we are asking you to leave the circle.

You guys want to be monogamous now?

No, we're dumping you,

and you're making it really hard.

Ava, wait.

Can we get our key back?

Yeah.

I tossed you both.

Can I have mine?

Sorry, those... mine are on there.

Yeah.

I'm really proud of you for that.

Good work.

You drew a boundary.

I'm so excited.

Yeah, OK. So what is this?

Fritos is sponsoring the night,

so you're going to pretend to catch a bag of Fritos

from Mariska Hargitay.

OK.

OK, ready?

Thanks, Mariska.

Perfect. Now throw it.

- Anywhere? - Yeah, yeah.

Throw it that way.

Yeah.

Awesome.

And LL Cool J is going to catch that from you.

OK.

Hey.

Next time, you want to give me a heads up

before you humiliate me on national television?

Well, if you'd had the jokes ready for the desk bit,

I wouldn't have had to extend Ruby's interview.

It's not my fault your messy love life

is funnier than the material you write.

Fuck you.

OK, and now we are going to

wish Dakota Fanning a happy birthday.

Ready? And go.

Happy birthday, Dakota.

- Fanning. - Fanning.

"Happy birthday, Dakota Fanning."

Please.

Happy birthday, Dakota Fanning.

She is going to love that.

Hey.

So Fallon did a "Freaky Friday" Supreme Court sketch last night.

Oh, fuck, really?

- Mm-hmm. - OK.

Uh, I'll work through lunch with the writers.

We'll figure something else out.

Thank you.

Uh, and the affiliate copy?

Sorry, I... I forgot.

I'll... I'll get it to you.

And I got your email about an iPad giveaway?

- I don't want a free iPad. - I was hacked.

My mom wired them 2,300, so.

OK.

Sorry guys, we're going to have to work through lunch.

There's just too much to do, and I...

Hi! Sorry I'm late.

Well, it's lunch.

That's not late, that's missing the day.

I was at the orthodontist.

Tooth gem.

You were at the orthodontist getting a tooth gem?

Yeah.

So it's not for a medical reason, then?

Um, mental health.

Smiling without a tooth gem was

really affecting my self-esteem.

OK, well, next time, can you just let me know

if you're planning on missing half the day?

I texted the chat.

- Who? - What chat?

I didn't get it.

Oh, I get it.

You guys have a group text without me?

- No. - It's...

- No. - No.

Guys, just... just tell her.

Directness is kindness.

OK.

Yes.

But it's just to, like, talk about assignments

so we don't bore you with questions.

Or memes.

Or, like, what movie we're going to see.

OK.

I've been on staff before. I know how it is.

I'm the boss, so.

Whoa, branzino?

Who's Mrs. Table?

Oh.

Well, sometimes we just order extra food for the table.

We... we call it Mrs. Table.

You ordered a whole bone-in branzino for the table?

Well, sometimes it's branzino.

Sometimes it's fries.

Sometimes it's lobster rolls.

Lobster rolls?

Yeah.

I have been subsidizing lobster rolls?

For Mrs. Table?

A not-real person?

A not-real person is getting $48 branzino?

$72.

This is so disrespectful!

I am working so hard!

I get here every morning at 5:30 on the dot.

One time, I walked in on the janitor jerking off

because he didn't think anyone else was here,

and I didn't report it

because he probably doesn't get paid a living wage!

And by the way,

branzino doesn't travel well.

You should never order it to go!

I quit!

We shouldn't have told her about the text chain.

No!

Slow down!

Slow down! No!

Oh, my God!

This bitch is crazy!

Damn!

I nominate Barry Keoghan to do the Chicken Dance Challenge

to support arthritis.

Arthritis research. We don't support arthritis.

Hey, sorry to interrupt.

Just flagging that Ava's been gone since lunch,

and I have not been able to reach her.

Did she have Chipotle?

That usually takes up the next two to three hours.

Apparently she had some kind of a meltdown.

She told the writers she quit,

and then according to security,

she drove through the gate.

Like, drove through it.

Oh, God.

Um, OK.

Um, well, so what do we do?

I mean, we do the show without her.

Sure.

But, you know, maybe we could delay the taping

by 30 minutes or so in case she shows up.

No, you've got the award thing right after.

Oh, right.

- OK. - Sorry.

I just wanted you to know.

Sure. Thanks.

OK, next up, we have the Twist and Shout Challenge

to help infants with scoliosis.

Are you ready?

I'm sorry to my personal assistants

numbers three through seven.

Just because you are gay does not make you detail-oriented.

And I should have had more grace.

And thank you to Al Gore and GloRilla.

See you tomorrow night.

Whoo!

That was great.

- We didn't need to push. - Yeah.

I'm going to head to the edit.

I'll see you at the awards ceremony.

OK.

Hey, Deborah.

- Your car is waiting outside. - Thanks. OK.

You got to leave that marriage, you know?

Oh, there she is.

The bravest woman in comedy.

Oh, please.

Any woman who goes on Bill Maher

is the bravest woman in comedy.

I hear you on that.

Give me a little love.

Hey, nice to see you.

Nice to see you.

Oh, God.

Thank you for doing this ridiculous network stunt.

Hey, come on now.

Don't do that.

It's a tough town.

You got to celebrate every little win.

It's a fake award, Ro.

Yes. I have many of them at home.

Remember, you were there

when I got that Crystal Pepsi Award for...

Clarity in Comedy.

So tell me, how's the show going?

You know, some days are good, and you know, some aren't.

Yeah, I understand.

Some days you want to pull your hair out.

But other days,

you're sitting there laughing your ass off

with some of your favorite people in the whole world.

You got to focus on that.

Because to tell you the truth, that's what I miss the most.

So, you do ayahuasca?

What do you mean?

I mean how did all this happen?

Oh, well, that was just, you know,

hard work, timing, and you know, a lot of luck.

No, you got better.

You don't just get better.

Comedy is like sports.

Nobody starts dunking at 60 years old.

I guess I just found my voice.

You know, we all evolve.

I mean, you've evolved.

Yeah, it only took me five kids,

two nervous breakdowns, and a lot of Ozempic.

But yes, I've evolved.

And I'm glad I can be here for your fake award.

- Now let's make it quick. - Oh, God, please.

By the way, I can't stay for your speech.

Don't be pissed.

Without further ado, I'm honored to present

the Courage in Comedy Award

to a woman who never let fear stop her.

What choice did she have, really?

I mean, I've seen her house,

and she has to pay for that mortgage.

She's going to be working forever.

And I, for one, hope she does.

Please welcome the iconic Deborah Vance.

Mm.

Oh, Cara, baby.

Hello, sweetie.

Where's Barry, huh?

Where's your brother?

Barry?

Barry.

Where are you?

Barry?

Mama's home.

Barry?

Barry?

Barry!

Come on! Where are you?

Mama's home.

Where are you?

Barry?

Huh?

Oh, my God, how did you get outside?

Oh, no!

Oh, God!

No! Jesus!

No! No!

You're OK. You're OK.

Oh, oh, are you OK?

Are you OK, honey? Are you OK?

I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry, baby.

I'm sorry.

I should have protected you.

I should have protected you.

Have you seen a lesbian ginger?

- No, sorry. - Thanks for nothing.

- God. - Hi.

- Any luck? - No.

We just checked her apartment. She's not there.

I'm looking in Silver Lake. Call me if you find her.

Kayla, come on. We're not getting Wetzel's.

Jimmy, hate to say it,

but statistically at this point,

we're looking for a body.

I don't understand. She just left?

What even happened?

Hello... Deborah?

She hung up on me. Unbelievable.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I... I thought you were somebody else.

I'm sorry. What... what is everybody lined up for?

Oh, we're here for Girl Twirl,

a night of queer line dancing.

Perfect.

Um, have you seen this woman?

Uh...

I don't know her.

No? Anybody?

I-I-I'm trying to find this girl.

I'm trying to find this girl.

Anybody?

Do you have Find My iPhone enabled for her?

Oh, I think I might, yeah.

Can you... can you help me find my Find My?

OK.

- There she is. - Thank you.

Thank you.

Ava!

Ava, no!

No! God, no!

Ava, you can't swim!

Ava!

No!

No, no!

What the fuck?

What the hell are you doing?

Uh, I-I'm sorry.

I thought you were somebody else.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm night swimming.

Oh. It's frigid!

I'm training for the Polar Bear Plunge!

Back off!

OK.

Deborah?

What the hell are you doing?

I...

L-looking for you!

I thought you were drowning yourself.

Oh, my God, no.

You... you drove through a gate and disappeared!

Yeah.

I'm not suicidal, I just want to die.

What?

I'm not actually gonna self-harm, OK?

And if I was going to kill myself,

I wouldn't do it Virginia Woolf style

and walk into the freezing ocean.

I'd do pills or wear a suicide vest on...

"Watch What Happens Live."

Shit, your lips are blue. Come on.

Come on.

Oh, my God.

Oh, thank you.

Here you go.

Sorry, I know you guys are closing soon.

No, it's on the house.

- The hoodie, too. - Oh.

I'm a big fan.

Can I get a selfie?

Not tonight, sweetie.

OK.

Respect.

Mmm.

Thanks for trying to save my life.

Or whoever's life that was.

I...

appreciate you ruining your second-favorite fur as well.

So why were you at the beach?

I don't know.

Um...

I just got in my car and drove.

I... I was just trying to get away from everything

and I ended up at the beach.

Which is, like, so embarrassing now that I say it out loud.

It's so first thought after a breakdown.

A little bit, yeah.

And, um, I don't know if you heard, but I quit.

You're the youngest head writer

in the history of late night.

You can't just quit.

Well, I did.

And I do.

Listen, you're up and down in this career.

Right now, you're up.

But if you walk away,

I'm telling you, one day you'll regret it.

I won't.

I suck shit at this fucking job.

You were right. I never should have taken it.

I wasn't the right person for it.

The only reason you were failing

is because I set you up to fail.

I'm sorry.

Give me another chance.

Please.

Even though I probably don't deserve one.

You don't.

I promise I'll make it up to you.

Don't say that.

Please don't say that.

Because when you say that, I want to believe you.

But you always let me down.

I won't.

This time.

I can't trust you.

I understand why you feel that way,

but I'm begging you.

What do I have to do, run back into that ocean?

Because I will.

Even if I did come back...

I don't know if I can do the job.

I don't even know your voice anymore.

You are my voice.

But I kind of hate you now.

Uh, so?

Lots of people do.

You're part of a vibrant community.

I can't write a show that appeals to millions of people.

I-I was wrong to focus on them.

We can't make it for them.

We have to make it for each other.

We'll probably never make it out of last place, so...

we should at least try to have fun.

Yeah.

I haven't had fun in a long time.

Me either.

I guess I do have to make fun of Stacey to someone.

Please.

I mean, how do you tell an HR person they need to wear deodorant?

- I mean, that is a trap. - Oh, I did.

She said she doesn't sweat that much and doesn't need it.

I was thinking, girl, you do.

It's not up to you. It's up to us, actually.

Hold on a second.

What is that?

Something we should have shared a long time ago.

Yeah, it's been in my trunk for months.

Yeah, it's awful.

Yeah.

I saw Stacey in the kitchen

eating a banana with the peel on.

- You did not! - Peel on.

- That's a lie! - Like a corn on the cob.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -