Original subtitles

♪ When love ♪

♪ Breaks up ♪

♪ When the dawn light ♪

♪ Wakes up ♪

♪ A new life is born ♪

♪ Somehow I had to make this final... ♪

Wait, wait!

Oh...

♪ Now ♪

♪ I wake up ♪

♪ Feel just fine ♪

♪ Your face ♪

♪ Fills my mind ♪

♪ I get religion quick ♪

♪ It's looking divine ♪

♪ Honey, you're touching something ♪

♪ You're touching me ♪

♪ I'm under your thumb ♪

♪ Under your spell ♪

One, two, three.

♪ If I could only reach you ♪

♪ If I could make you smile ♪

♪ If I could only reach you ♪

♪ That would really be a breakthrough ♪

♪ If I could only reach you ♪

♪ If I could make you smile ♪

♪ If I could only reach you ♪

♪ That would really be a breakthrough ♪

♪ If I could only reach you

♪ If I could make you smile ♪

♪ If I could only reach you ♪

♪ That would really be a breakthrough ♪

Oh, my goodness.

Do not adjust your TV sets.

Yes, this is late night.

And yes, I am a woman.

Actually, actually, if you don't mind,

I'd love for you to go into your TV settings

and adjust the smoothing level all the way to a hundred.

Isn't that better?

I am Deborah Vance.

Thank you.

I tried being a late-night host way back in the 1970s,

but that didn't work out.

So this is my second act.

- Whoo! - And, uh... thank you.

And second act...

Is code...

For...

Excuse me.

Hey. You OK?

It's... it's my chest.

I'm having a heart attack.

Get the medic.

Deep breaths. - It's OK.

OK, stay calm. - Take a deep breath.

- I'm here. - Try to stay calm.

I'm going to take your vitals.

What did you have to eat today?

Uh, half a Greek yogurt and 10 almonds.

- 10 almonds? - OK, seven.

But they were jumbo.

I think you're having a panic attack.

I'm not having a panic attack.

And I would know because I've never had one.

A panic attack can feel a lot like a heart attack.

He's heard.

He doesn't freak out all the time.

- OK. - You haven't eaten.

Don't talk about my eating.

Ladies, no talking about food at work.

If it's on the plate, it's off the menu.

Now my hands are tingling.

Your heart rate is only slightly elevated,

so it does sound more like a panic attack

than it does a heart attack.

Let's find someplace you can lie down and get some fluids.

I'm in the middle of a monologue.

It's OK, Deborah.

This is a dress rehearsal.

That's what these are for. - Yeah.

Get some rest. We've got two days.

It's fine.

OK.

- Release the audience. - Just breathe.

We'll find you someplace to rest.

OK.

Just take... take it easy.

You're gonna be OK. - OK.

Scared the shit out of me.

Hey.

Just checking on you.

I'm fine.

OK.

Well, when I have panic attacks, it's helpful for me

to ground myself by naming things in the room, you know?

Couch, pillow, People's Choice Award.

It wasn't a panic attack.

And that is a CableACE Award.

OK.

Let's just lower the volume a little.

OK, it was not a panic attack,

just a little stage fright.

Sta... what did you say?

Stage fright?

How dare you?

I have never had stage fright my entire career,

not even when I performed in front of Saddam Hussein.

And that was after I rejected his advances.

This was a cardiac issue.

OK.

Ladies, I don't want to have to introduce a volume jar,

but I can. - I was just trying to help.

I don't want your help.

This was all your fault.

It's my fault you had a cardiac issue?

Yes, because we need a stronger opener.

And your bad writing is killing me!

All right.

Guys, the beans are getting a little steamed in here.

So, Ava, why don't you give Deborah a break to rest,

and we'll return to this maybe never.

I don't know.

Just...

Sure.

Lamp, tray, angry woman.

Oh, hey, Merrill.

Oh, hey. How's Deborah?

I think she's OK.

I think she's just a little overwhelmed.

And how is Eva doing?

Oh, Ava? Me?

- Sure. - Yeah, I'm good.

I'm so tired I keep walking into rooms

and not knowing why I came in.

Yeah, I've been there.

Hey, I've been meaning to say this.

It is such an honor working with you.

And I just don't want it to be weird because I

know you co-created "Letterman."

And I'm obviously, like, younger, but...

Relax. I so would not want your job.

So much stress.

I don't want to call it hell on earth, but I mean,

it's a job for a lunatic.

- You know it. - Yeah.

That's right, yeah.

I am loving this gig.

I mean, I'm here Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday... classic

consulting producer sandwich.

Yeah, you got to be available for three-day weekends

in both directions.

That's the bread part of the sandwich.

It sounds so nice.

And by the way, I'm gonna start bringing my dogs

whenever I feel like it.

So if you're allergic, stock up on Claritin.

- Oh, your... - Ciao

Ciao.

Why'd I come in here?

Coffee.

I don't know.

I still think my armpits look too long.

Don't let me hear that negative talk.

You have beautiful armpits.

So how are you feeling?

Fine and tired of people asking.

Totally. So am I.

Everybody needs to get over it, right?

So listen.

Tomorrow after the show, I made us an early reservation

at Mother Wolf.

You're gonna love it.

Well, it's the first show, so I

should probably eat dinner with the guests and with Winnie.

Oh, um, of course, as you should.

Famous people should eat with other famous people.

Next time.

Come on. Smile, LuSaque.

You're prettier when you smile.

- Winnie! - Hello.

I just wanted to check in on you after yesterday.

How are you feeling?

Oh, that is so sweet of you to ask.

No, no.

I'm fine, really.

It's no big deal.

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

But I did make you an appointment

with my cardiologist in Beverly Hills

this afternoon just to make sure you're in tip-top shape.

He's the best.

A little handsy, but I think it means he cares.

Oh, no. No, no, no, really.

Oh, you are so nice. But no, I'm fine.

I'm not being nice.

I just spent a lot of money at the dealership,

and I want to make sure I didn't get a clunker.

See you tomorrow.

- Good morning. - Hi.

Deborah Vance. I have an appointment.

I'll let them know you're here.

Thank you.

Beverly Hills Cardiology.

Excuse me, Ms. Burnett, I don't know if you remember me.

Deborah Vance? - Of course.

We met at the opening of Planet Hollywood.

How are you? - Yes.

Hi. I'm good, good.

Oh, boy.

I won't forget that night, though.

I got sick as a dog.

Never eat fish from a restaurant that has

Indiana Jones' whip on the wall.

Well, you know, I am really happy for you.

It's about time a woman wore the suit.

Well, thank you.

Well, I...

I couldn't have done it without you.

- Oh. - No, your show...

I mean, when I was a little girl,

I would watch you do that.

And... and it did.

It made me feel like I could do that.

That's very sweet.

Pointed because you're highlighting

our age difference. - Well, I...

It's sweet. It's sweet.

Can I... can I ask you something?

Sure.

Did you ever get stage fright?

Yeah, I did at first.

You can't be getting stage fright.

You've been doing this almost as long as I have.

Well, I mean, I never have until now.

Well, you know what they always used to say?

You should picture your audience naked.

Right.

I know it's kind of creepy.

And then, of course, when they get older,

it's even nauseating.

So... so that didn't work for me.

But you know what did?

I would pick one person in the audience,

and I would do the show just for them.

Hmm.

Yeah.

So what are you in for?

Oh, nothing.

I just think the doctor's a hunk.

Ms. Burnett?

Oh, yeah.

OK.

Listen.

You're going to be wonderful.

You always are.

Thank you.

Except for that Lifetime movie you made in the '80s.

I didn't care for that.

Knock 'em dead, kiddo.

You ready?

OK.

Hey.

Hi.

Big day.

Mm-hmm.

I'm taking the writers to Bar Lubitsch

to watch the first show tonight.

Might be nice if you wanted to watch with, uh, them.

Well, I have dinner plans.

I'm gonna watch later at home.

Right. OK.

Well...

You know, we're not really supposed to speak

without Stacy present.

Excuse me.

Aren't you the girl I used to live with who had a very,

very dirty laptop screen?

Josefina.

Oh.

Oh, you are starved for human touch.

Sorry.

That's OK.

It's been a tough couple weeks.

It's nice to see a familiar face.

I'm excited for the big show.

I miss seeing you.

Why don't you come to the house for dinner?

Oh, um, I'm not exactly welcome at the moment.

Oh.

But I miss you, too.

Are you liking LA? - Loving it.

Tonight, I am seeing "Wings of Desire" in 70 millimeter.

Los Angeles is really bringing out the cinephile in me.

Hi, hey.

So good news.

Hurricane Irma has been downgraded to a tropical storm.

The bad news is, we can't do any of the hurricane

jokes we wrote anymore. - Shit.

Yeah, so we have some alts for you to look at.

You're busy. I'll let you go.

Sorry.

No, I want to go because this is stressful,

and I'm here to enjoy myself.

Bye-bye.

Right this way.

Come on. Would you do to her?

The raisin girl?

She looks kinky, beautiful breasts.

All right, don't. We're at the show.

Triple hazelnut macchiato, Ms. Schaefer.

Ow! It's hot.

What the hell is this? I said ice.

Ghiaccio! - OK, it's cool

I'll drink it. Thank you so much.

- Get out of here, Arnold! - I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

What?

We represent the head writer and the main talent.

We need to make sure that every single person in here

knows that we have power from top to bottom.

OK? So I went half-gorilla mode.

Who cares? - Half-gorilla mode?

Oh, you're gonna know when I go full-gorilla mode.

Look, because we represent the main talent,

we have to set an example and lead with love, all right?

It's really important.

You manage your way.

I'll manage mine, OK?

I need ChapStick!

There she is.

I think goo-goo ga-ga's a little more accessible.

- Copy. - Thank you so much.

- I agree. - Sorry, guys, hi.

- Hello, head writer. - Hey, so listen.

We want to take you, our favorite client,

out to dinner tonight to celebrate the show.

Oh, shit.

Sorry, I'm taking the writers out.

I would invite you, but it's, like, a writers-only thing.

- Oh. - OK.

Um, yeah, of course.

Yes, you should.

You take out your scribes.

Writers should be with other writers, you know?

Like "Didion and Babitz."

They had their tension.

But I think at the end of the day,

they actually understood each other.

- Totally. - Yeah.

Totally.

I really should get back to the room though.

Of course, of course. Have a great show.

OK.

See, Jimmy, when you lead with love,

you give people the option to say no.

You mean consent?

Don't politicize everything.

Yawn.

So who's Diddy and Beeboo?

"Didion and Babitz."

I told you, read women.

Can we get four to stand... or somebody

to stand in position?

So we got a great show tonight.

I think someone you know is on it... someone

by the name of Deborah Vance.

This is a big deal!

This is the first episode

of "Late Night with Deborah Vance."

Deborah Vance, Deborah Vance.

They're ready.

OK, enough.

Everybody should be in your position.

Coming to stage now.

Give em hell, Deb.

Hey, Deborah, if you take your first step

on stage with your left foot, you'll have a better show.

You're crushing it.

Hey, Deb, can we get a quick pic for socials, please?

Perfect.

So my dad is up in heaven right now, looking down,

and he's so proud.

Fuck 'em all, baby.

Just...

Just have fun out there.

I just need to adjust your mic, Deb.

It's actually picking up your heartbeat.

There we go.

For the very first time, your host, Deborah Vance.

It's too much, too much.

All right, thank you.

Whoo!

Do not adjust your TVs.

Yes, this is late night.

And yes, I am a woman.

Actually, if you don't mind, I'd

love you to go into your TV settings

and adjust the smoothing level all the way up to a hundred.

There you go.

Isn't that better?

My name is Deborah Vance.

But... but... but some of you may know me as number 33

on the 1998 "Maxim" list of Top 100 Showbiz Cougars.

I tried being a late-night host way back in the 1970s,

but it didn't work out.

So, you know, this is my second act.

Second act is... second act is code...

Second act is code for, "No one wanted to hire me for 40 years,

but I refused to die until they gave me what I wanted."

But I am so excited to be here.

I've got big plans for the show.

My goal is to make this show feel

new, tight, shiny, refreshed, barely recognizable.

You know, like me after a face lift.

♪ We love LA ♪

♪ We love it! ♪

♪ We love LA ♪

♪ We love it! ♪

My good friend, Randy Newman, ladies and gentlemen.

- Welcome to LA, Deb. - Thank you.

Thank you.

We love LA.

We love all of you.

Thank you for joining us.

We are just getting started.

See you tomorrow night with Shaboozey and Nancy Pelosi.

That was fantastic. - Thank you.

I got us reservations at Poisson.

Oh, sorry.

No offense, but I don't like anybody watching me eat.

I haven't eaten in public since 1988.

Oh, OK. That's all right.

- I'm sorry. - I get it.

I get it. - Oh, good.

- Good to see you, baby. - Good to see you.

- Great show. - Oof.

Before you go, can we grab those affiliate shout outs?

Yeah, sure.

Great.

Amazing, amazing, amazing.

I got to run home and make sure my daughter's not trying

to drive to Target again.

I'll see you at dinner? - Oh, of course.

Of course. - Great.

OK, ready?

Whenever you are.

Hey, Tulsa, Oklahoma, tune in at 11:30.

I'll be waiting for you only on KOKA TV.

Hey, Spokane, Washington. - Hey.

Stick around after...

Should we head to the bar?

For the premiere of...

Oh, um, I was gonna wait to see if Deborah wanted to talk.

Hey, Austin, Texas. How y'all doing?

But, um...

You do everything big down there, and so do I.

Yeah, let's head out.

Don't go to bed just yet, Cincinnati.

There's a single blonde in your area who wants to talk to you.

OK, party people, T-minus three hours till the first show airs.

- Oh. - Champagne.

- Oh. - Whoo.

Can I get anyone anything else?

Yeah, do you guys do espresso martinis?

- Yeah. - OK.

Can I have one of those?

Hold the liquor.

So just an espresso?

Yeah. A double, please.

- Can I get one, too? - Me, too.

OK, yeah, get whatever you guys want on me.

Tab's open all night.

Wow.

- Where's Melanie? - Oh.

- Oh, - Over there.

There.

Am I forcing you guys to be here?

- No. - No.

No.

We want to watch the show, just

a little tired since we've been working late nights,

like, the whole week.

Well, only 198 shows left this year, so...

Why don't you guys go home and get some sleep?

Yeah, you deserve it.

You guys have been working so hard.

You know how the show turned out.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- All right. - Thank you.

Bye. - Bye.

Have a good night.

See you tomorrow.

Melanie, we can go.

No, I'm having fun.

Yep.

Thank you.

Have a beautiful night.

We don't... we don't need those.

And I'll just close out the tab.

- OK. - Thanks.

Hi, Winnie.

Hi, so my kid just threw up all over the place.

Oh, no.

Yeah, that's what a hundred gummy worms will do.

He's so annoying.

Sorry, I can't make it.

I'm sure you guys will have a blast without me.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

No, we're gonna have a great time.

Thanks. - Rain check.

OK, Deb?

OK.

Bye.

Have you eaten yet?

I just... I have no idea what to order.

Well, you can never go wrong with quail.

Is that what you... what you want me to get?

Get whatever you want.

Well, you can never go wrong with quail.

Shit.

Wait! I'm here.

I'm here. I'm leaving.

I'm leaving right now.

This lot's for customers only.

No, I... I am a customer.

I'm... I'm going in right now.

You just said you were leaving.

Yeah, I'm leave...

I'm leaving outside to go inside.

I'll bring you the receipt.

Just wait. Just wait one second.

- See you soon, Mr. Fish. - Hey.

Hi. Sorry, can I please cut you?

It's an emergency. - Whoa, sure.

- OK, yeah. - Thank you, sorry.

- Hi. - Hey, how's it going?

I'll just take this.

Sure. One mini lube, $1.99.

OK.

Oh, there's a $15 card minimum.

Shit.

One.

OK, two, four, six, two plus eight, 10.

No.

Could I get that big dildo?

Thank you. Thank you.

Can I get a receipt?

Oh, we have a very strict no-returns policy.

No, it's not for me. It's for the tow truck driver.

Doesn't matter who the dildo is for.

No, no, no, not... not the dildo.

The receipt. - Oh.

OK.

So you're gonna want to use a water-based lube on that.

Gotcha.

A lot of people think silicone toys, silicone lube,

right? - Right.

Wrong.

Silicone on silicone can actually create micro tears.

I'm not gonna be using any lube on this.

Oh, no.

You're gonna want to use some lube.

It's a lot bigger than it looks.

OK, great. No problem.

I'm gonna lube it up.

Gonna put it all over there, slide it on, no problem.

Can I...

So that's a new transaction for the lube.

No, I want to leave. Thank you.

Sorry, gonna take that. Hey, thank you.

Love your jacket.

Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no.

I bought this. I bought this!

Fuck.

And there you go. Thanks so much.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Yeah, good to see you. - You too.

- You too. - All right.

Hey, guys.

It's me. I'm back.

They did tow... tow the car.

I'd love to return this.

I told you, we got a no-returns policy.

I know, but come on, man.

It's been two minutes.

You think I just went into the parking lot

and shoved this inside me with the plastic

still on and then came back in?

It's happened.

All right, whatever.

Do you at least have a phone charger?

My car got towed, and my phone's dying.

I need to call an Uber. - Yeah.

You have an Android?

- No. - Oh.

We can give you a ride to your car.

- Really? - Yeah.

It sounds like you're having kind of a rough night.

Thank you, thank you.

I appreciate that. - Of course.

Yeah, we're out this way.

Hey.

Water-based, on the house.

Thanks.

Anyway, so that's how Hitler knew he'd lost.

Oh, wow.

Are you enjoying Los Angeles?

It's... it's OK because it's... it's an adjustment,

you know, being an LA gay.

But you've been in Los Angeles with me many times.

Yes, but then I was a gay in LA, not an LA gay,

which is different.

How so?

Well, LA is more competitive than Vegas.

I mean, Vegas is... is really competitive... probably more

competitive than people think.

But LA is... it's competitive.

And by competitive, you mean...

Muscles.

Oh.

Everyone has insane bodies, and I just

don't know how they do it.

I've been asking people what they eat.

So you want to be bigger?

I need an ass the size of a house.

Deborah, I...

That's OK.

- I am so sorry. - It's fine.

I just um...

I've never had alcohol before.

And then there's the problem of my hair.

What? You have a great head of hair.

No, my body hair.

In my 20s, I lasered all the hair off my body.

All of it?

Yeah, every last wisp.

But now everyone wants hair everywhere.

I just... I can't.

It's just been hard for me as a hairless person.

It's like, the only way to make friends here

is a great body, hair, or a really famous friend.

Deborah, do you want to maybe make

one stop before you go home?

I know this bar where people would

lose their minds to see you.

No.

I really need to get home, but you go.

Oh, it's still early.

Look, five minutes.

I mean, you might enjoy it, actually.

- Oh, I don't know. - Come on.

Give 'em a thrill.

Hey, everyone.

Look who brought Deborah Vance to the club.

Damien Asada Agosto!

♪ Want my body ♪

♪ But my body's much too much for your touch ♪

♪ Think you're ready ♪

♪ You're not ready for the power of love ♪

♪ Want my body ♪

♪ But my body's got too lush for your stuff ♪

♪ I already know you can't take the heat ♪

So now I'm allergic to shrimp.

Right here is great.

Thank you guys so much.

That was so nice of you.

Yeah.

I wish I could repay you.

How about you let us take you to dinner?

- Like, both of you? - Yeah.

Yeah.

We'd love to take you out.

OK, yes.

Want my number? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Who should I give it to?

Don't make me pick. - Here.

Ava Daniels.

Here you go.

See you guys. - Bye.

Bye.

Thank you.

Deborah, this really hot guy, Raul,

just invited me to go home with him.

Cute.

I know, right?

I guess you better go.

Well, I'll walk you to the car.

No, no, honey, I'm gonna stay a few more minutes.

I mean, my future husband could be here.

Oh.

OK. Well, have fun.

Yeah, you too.

Ms. Vance?

There's been a request for you in a cage.

In a... in a cage?

Please.

Well, that could be fun.

Sure, why not?

- Deborah! - What?

Deborah, you should do poppers.

- What? - Poppers!

♪ Dance with me and then romance with me ♪

Hello?

Is this Ava Daniels?

Yes.

Is this Emily, my friend from the sex shop?

Couldn't wait, could ya?

Oh, uh, no.

My name is Janine, and I'm calling from

Cedars-Sinai emergency room.

Oh, sorry.

Ms. Vance has been hospitalized.

Oh, my God.

Is she OK?

Is it her heart? Fuck.

I didn't believe her. Fuck.

She'll be OK, but we think you should

come here if you're able to.

I'll be right there. Thank you.

Room 162?

Second door on the left.

There you are.

What are you doing here?

Didn't you have them call me?

No.

Oh, I meant to update my emergency contact.

Ah.

Are you OK?

They said you did poppers.

They were non-consensually administered by a deranged fan.

And I hit my head on a go-go cage.

That old chestnut?

Well, I'm glad you're OK.

I was really worried.

What time is it?

11:18.

Oh, shit.

Shit, shit.

Come on.

Oh, no. Come on.

Shit. Get a nurse.

Nurse!

Where's the call button? Get a nurse.

No, there, hi.

I need to be discharged.

We need to keep you for observation a bit longer,

so I can't send you home yet.

No, but my first show is tonight,

and this TV's not working.

I need to watch it. - I'm sorry, ma'am.

I'm the new late-night host.

Ooh, I'm gonna get a psych check in here.

No, no, no. It's OK.

She's fine.

I got it.

Can you get up?

Let's go.

You know, when I was a little girl,

I used to watch this show with my family.

I wanted this so badly for so long.

Oh.

Unfortunately, my dad and mom both...

- It's you. - Hi.

But if my mother were alive today, I think she'd say,

you're wearing that?

She never liked women in pants.

You know, when you get something in this industry,

you always have to wonder if you're just

getting it for your looks.

But I got this in my 70s, so I didn't have to wonder.

I know I got it for my looks.

I'm hotter than I've ever been, and I know for a fact,

my breasts played a huge role.

But seriously, if you're a little girl, watching,

you can do this, too.

I'll keep the chair warm for you.

All right, it's gonna be a great show.

Let's have some fun!

Congratulations.

You too.

Randy Newman is here!

That was amazing.

Thank you.

The devil is real, and he lives inside me.

Oh.

A fan's a fan.

♪ It's nice to hear your voice again ♪

♪ I've waited all day long ♪

♪ Even wrote a song for you ♪

♪ It's strange, the way you make me feel ♪

♪ With just a word or two ♪

♪ I'd like to do the same for you ♪

♪ It's nice to hear you say "hello" ♪

♪ And "How are things with you?" ♪

♪ "I love you" ♪

♪ But very soon it's time to go ♪

♪ An office job to do ♪

♪ While I'm here writing songs for you ♪

♪ Strange how a phone call can change your day ♪

♪ Take you away ♪

♪ Away from the feeling of being alone ♪

♪ Bless the telephone ♪

♪ It's nice, the way you say my name ♪

♪ Not very fast or slow, just soft and low ♪

♪ The same as when you tell me how you feel ♪

♪ I feel the same way, too ♪

♪ I'm very much in love with you ♪

♪ I'm very much in love with you ♪