Original subtitles

♪ Ooh, Las Vegas ♪

♪ Ain't no place for a poor boy like me ♪

Okay, writers, here are your informational resources

on Deborah Marie Vance.

You have biographical background,

joke areas approved, joke areas refused,

as well as several character quirks

that you should be aware of.

If you get carsick while reading,

just focus on a fixed object on the horizon,

because this reading is required.

Are we all done?

Great. What are your pitches?

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's back it up a second.

Why don't we start with some icebreakers?

I'll go first.

Uh, my name is Ava Daniels.

I'm from Waltham, Massachusetts.

And one thing about me is,

I recently became allergic to shrimp.

Who wants to go next? - Me.

I'm Deborah Vance,

and one thing about me is, I love pitches.

Got any?

- Ooh. - Uh...

Why don't we ease into working

by getting to know each other a little bit better first?

Why?

They're writing for me. I'm not writing for them.

What is your problem? - What happened to our truce?

Nothing!

We agreed to put our personal differences aside

and never speak of them again, but that doesn't mean,

creatively, I have to agree with all your stupid ideas.

The point is to warm up to each other.

We're supposed to bond, mingle,

play "Cards Against Humanity,"

if you would have given me two seconds to grab my deck.

You know how much work we have to do.

We do not have the time to find out,

you know, what their last names are and all that shit.

But this is a retreat.

I called it that because, legally,

I was advised that I couldn't take them into an office

over the weekend.

You're insane!

Listen, I have been in writers' rooms before.

You can't just throw people together on day one

and expect them to churn out material.

Well, I'm not playing slip, slap, slop with them.

Okay.

Clearly, we are not gonna see eye to eye on this.

But at the very minimum, we have to tell them

exactly what kind of show we are trying to make.

Fine. I can do that.

Okay.

High-five me. - What?

High-five me. They're definitely looking.

We need to show unity.

- Let go. - No!

Let go!

Follow me.

A few steps behind is fine.

Yes!

This way.

Okay.

The room where it happens.

Okay, we've got cantaloupe and saltines.

Everybody, dig in and let's get to work.

So I've had a long time to think about this.

The reason late night works

is not because of the format,

but because of the person.

We didn't say, did you see "The Tonight Show"?

We said, did you see Carson or did you see Letterman?

It's a person you let into your house late at night

and you go to bed with.

So how do we make millions of people

wanna go to bed with me?

They need to get to know me.

They need to understand me.

That means every monologue joke we write,

every desk bit, every sketch,

every interview question

has to be specific to me and something only I can do.

And more importantly,

this needs to be the number one late night show

within three months.

- Uh. - Whoa.

Deborah, my friend, can we talk outside for a sec?

Sure.

That's, like, really soon.

You cannot tell them it needs to be

the number one show on day one.

That is such insane pressure.

Winnie says that we have to save late night comedy.

And if we go from being new kid on the block to number one,

that proves it's not dead.

And I want to be number one because I can be.

Okay.

Perhaps we could start by giving them a smaller target

than global number one hit.

God!

Okay.

I understand that some of you were hired

to write monologue jokes and others to write sketches.

But for this weekend, I would like us all to focus

on the first episode opener.

Now, the very best late-night premieres

have kicked off with a buzzy, hilarious segment

that grabs the audience's attention

and sets the tone for the entire show.

Conan ran across the country to his new stage in LA.

Letterman's was in the style of Boris Karloff's "Frankenstein."

So what will mine be?

Go.

Oh. Um, right now?

If you don't have anything, let's move along.

You.

Uh, uh, maybe it's like a bunker situation,

where you've been in, like, a bomb shelter

for the past 45 years?

Yeah, maybe you went down there to get a bottle of wine

and the door locked behind you.

And you've been surviving off canned beans.

Yeah.

Yeah, and you can't stop farting 'cause...

'cause of the beans.

Huh.

It's... it's interesting direction, you guys.

It's really cool to see how your minds work.

So, anything else?

Oh, maybe a sports movie parody,

like a "Rudy" style thing, but it's Deborah,

who's never been in the game.

Shoulder pads have always been flattering on my frame.

And all of her teammates can be veteran late-night hosts.

We can get some really fun cameos.

Yeah.

And they can dump a Gatorade cooler on you,

but it's full of glitter.

And one of them accidentally punches you in the boob.

It's... actually, "SNL" might have done it.

That man is a riff killer.

Let's go fire him. - No.

Maybe that's how he acts when he's nervous.

I mean, you haven't exactly created

the warmest environment for creativity.

You're giving their jokes nothing.

Well, and you're giving them too much with your...

Please, at least just smile at them.

Oh, wow, you're telling a woman to smile,

when you made such a scene when my dear friend, Dave Blaine,

was simply giving you advice.

Just be a little nicer to Nate.

What do you want me to do, give him a hand job?

- Jesus. - He's a loser.

God!

What if we do a "Twilight Zone" send-up

to highlight the absurdity that there has

never been a woman at 11:30?

Um, anything else?

Maybe you're stuck at the DMV,

and they aren't calling your number,

and you realize you've been there for, like, 45 years.

And all of the numbers they are calling

are just for, like, white men in suits named Jimmy.

Okay. Maybe.

Um, or how about a beauty pageant sketch?

We can talk about how pleasing I am to the eyes,

compared to the guys in the suits.

I don't know if we wanna overload

too early on the appearance stuff.

It'd be funny.

I mean, TV is a visual medium.

Who likes my pitch? Show of hands.

No, don't. You can't make them do that.

Who thinks that I can make you do that?

Show of hands.

Uh, uh, I do.

Good. Okay.

Uh, what did you like about my pitch?

I think it's good.

But don't... don't you think it's potentially reductive?

True. I see both points.

But isn't funny, funny?

- Yes. Funny is funny. - Yeah.

And if funny is funny, this is a comedy show.

We should do funny.

Right.

You're pressuring her.

You don't wanna do it, right?

I think it could be funny,

which is obviously funny.

And then I also see how we could think

of something funnier, some of the smartest

people I know around here.

Okay, so what would be funnier?

Um, one second, Miss.

No, you don't have to answer right now.

We're all trying to think of something funny.

That's what we're doing here.

Okay, but... but if you didn't have something funnier,

why did you say that?

I'm sorry.

D-don't apologize. I'm asking seriously.

It's just my sister's baby shower today,

and I'm missing it.

My mom keeps texting me, which is... but I think

I'm just actually hungry.

Really? Could have fooled me.

You cleaned out the cantaloupe.

Let's take five.

I'm sorry if I ate too much cantaloupe.

You are fine.

We can't keep going on like this.

It's torture.

You really think that if they have a good time,

they'll work harder and write better material?

Yes.

Fine.

I will show them the best weekend of their lives,

right before I grind their bones to dust.

Okay, who wants to have some fun?

Yes?

No, it's...

Winner gets a grand.

- Oh, okay. - Shit. Okay.

♪ Yeah, I'm gonna ♪

Ready?

Three, two, one, go!

♪ Learned to spin fortune wheels and throw dice ♪

♪ Ain't good looking but you know I ain't shy ♪

♪ Ain't afraid to look a girl, yeah, in the eye ♪

♪ So if you need some loving and you need it right away ♪

Fuck.

♪ And maybe I'll stay ♪

♪ But I got to ramble ♪

♪ Ramblin' man ♪

♪ Gamble, gamblin' man ♪

♪ Ramble, ramblin' man ♪

♪ I was born a ramblin', gamblin' man ♪

Buh-bye.

Whoo!

- ♪ Oh, bring it on ♪ - Ahh!

I beat ya. I beat ya. I beat ya. I beat ya.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

You're a good man.

Cheers!

Anybody need a rainbow roll?

Whoo!

Team building.

Build it up.

I have to grab my car, so I'm exiting the bus.

And anyone who gets on the bus,

once I leave, I have no knowledge of.

What's up, party people?

Welcome to Vegas.

I got Molly, weed, G.

And if you're feeling really crazy,

I got 12-year-old cans of Four Loko.

Okay, let's do the drugs.

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ All your loving is, all your loving is ♪

♪ All your loving is taking me to paradise ♪

Yes, you! Come on, Deborah.

- Me? - On the stage.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Oh, no.

Oh. Are you serious?

- Yeah! Yeah! - Ah!

♪ Let's make it last all night ♪

♪ Let's make it last ♪

Let's go, Las Vegas!

A piece of poker advice.

It's about ranges, not hands.

Oh. Ooh.

- Don't embarrass me. - Okay.

Yay!

My loves are back at last! - Oh.

Wait. What are you guys doing here?

I'm here with my new writers. We're on a retreat.

They're trying to figure out an opening for my first episode.

Ooh.

You should do a turn reveal like "The Real Housewives."

This would be mine.

I can deal with whatever life brings my way,

and I love that about me.

Awesome.

You should write for my show.

Oh, Deb, you know I love you, but I hate LA.

It's too cold.

Okay. Come on.

- Yeah! - Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yeah.

You kids stick with me. Mama's hot tonight!

Ooh, you bust again.

- Damn. - I forgot how bad you are.

I'm not that... I'm not that bad.

I wanna hear all about your new gig.

Actually, I have a break right now.

Come on.

I'll say great things about you guys, obviously.

Glowing reviews.

Okay.

Okay, Miss Head Writer.

I'm so proud of you.

It is so cool to see how far you and Deborah have come.

Like, I remember when you were her total servant-bitch,

intern-babygirl, straight slurping her abuse,

like, one month ago.

No, dude. You'd be so proud of me.

You remember how we had that conversation about setting

boundaries with Deborah? - Mm-hmm.

Well, I did.

Basically dommed her ass.

See, I knew you had a bad bitch inside of you.

Deborah didn't.

She wasn't gonna give me the head writer job, so I took it.

What do you mean, you took it?

I mean, like, I had leverage over her,

and I used it to my advantage.

Like blackmail?

Yep.

Oh, no, no. Wait.

That's so sad and dark and horrible.

- What are you talking about? - No, I'm serious.

That makes me really sad.

Like, the two of you had such a good thing going.

I just did what Deborah would have done.

Sure, babe, but it's just not very you.

Well, don't worry about it.

We... we made a truce, so we're moving past it.

A truce with Deborah?

No, girl.

Deborah holds grudges forever,

even if the person didn't do anything.

Have I ever told you about Tiffany?

No.

Tiffany had my job before me,

but Deborah had a losing streak with her.

And then, one night, she didn't stop Deborah

from hitting at 17.

And then she pulled a jack.

That was her last game in America.

Deborah got her deported?

No, but she also didn't stop it from happening.

Anyways, Tiffany works in Macau now, as a doctor.

She's, like, really fulfilled.

I hit Like on all her posts.

That's why I don't date other dealers.

Yeah. No, totally.

Um, where'd everybody go?

I think they ditched you, baby.

No.

They would not ditch me.

I'm the head writer.

Oh, my God! They ditched me!

How do you know?

Because I installed Find My on Deborah's cell,

'cause she kept losing it in the east wing of her house.

I know she goes there to poop.

I gotta go. Bye.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, I got engaged,

but I'm not marrying him.

- Amazing. - Text me!

Welcome to a Vegas institution.

Grab some tables in the front.

Is that everybody? Okay, here we go.

What the hell?

You left me?

You told me to curate a fun vibe.

I thought it would help by abandoning you.

It was working.

- Hello! - Loretta!

Hi, Deborah.

Thank you for hooking me and my writers up.

Anytime, baby. I love your ass.

- Oh, you are the best. - Aw.

Now, don't none of y'all fall in love.

I promise you, they don't love you back.

Eva!

It's Ava, but hey.

Girl, get on in there.

I used to play trivia with this bitch.

What the fuck? Right?

♪ Wanna see what dreams are getting money ♪

- Let's do a toast! - Yeah.

- Yeah, to Laughing Out Loud. - Yeah.

I coined that phrase.

I've been saying LOL since 1991.

Cheers!

Deborah, I got you a little congratulations gift

for your late-night gig.

Cherry!

Custom lap dance, free of charge.

Ah, that's okay.

I really don't... oh, okay.

Wow.

So your own late-night show.

That's so exciting.

It is.

When do you premiere, mama?

Um, uh, four weeks.

Wow.

I'm surprised you have time for this.

What are you doing here?

Good question.

Thanks.

This was inspiring. Gotta go.

Ava! Ava.

Ava! Get back to work.

- Now? - Yes.

Listen, for the opening, we can do a version

of some kind of a man on the street segment.

Take your top off!

We are getting into a creative flow, sir.

Deborah, sit down or take your top off.

I know you got them thangs.

Oh, God. Come on.

You, me, champagne room right now.

Hey, ladies.

Hey. You don't need to do all that.

We're just here to find a quiet place to write.

Well, do you mind if I chill and look at my phone?

It's my only time to be non-verbal.

- Sure. - What do you want?

Either you pitch or I pitch.

If you're not gonna pitch on my pitches,

then you gotta pitch your own pitches.

I am getting to the point where the word pitch

has lost all meaning.

We're in a strip club.

We're not working right now.

You have to!

It's 3:00 a.m., and we have nothing.

You need to calm down.

There's no time to calm down.

If you're not gonna help me, then they need to.

- Bye! - Bye.

♪ Big floss on that bitch ♪

There they are, my beautiful little writers.

Anybody got any pitches yet?

Anybody? Anybody? - Deborah!

I got an idea for the opening.

Finally. I knew I liked you.

What if you come down on a stripper pole,

but it's actually a fire pole because of the fire?

It was in the binder.

You're fired.

Sit down. You are not fired.

It's my show, so it's my call. You're fired.

Well, I'm the head writer, so it's actually my call too.

You are not fired. Sit down.

Don't listen to her. Listen to me. You're fired!

No, you are not. Sit down.

If I only get one chance, so do you. You're fired.

This is famously your second chance.

Oh!

You see? I was right.

We were riffing, and he killed it.

Okay, enough.

You and I are gonna work alone and decide on an area,

let the writers go to sleep and sober up for tomorrow.

Fine! Let's go.

Oh.

Great first day, guys.

Samira, I love your dry wit.

Eliot, more like El-O-L.

Rose, you took it in stride... - Ava!

When I forgot your name. Sorry.

I will email the rest of you.

Unreal.

I can't believe you tried to fire someone on day one.

You are being so unreasonable.

I'm not being unreasonable.

I'm being tough because the job is tough.

I mean, if they can't handle a weekend of partying

in Las Vegas, how are they gonna handle

the grind of late night?

They have to be funny, even when they're exhausted

and it's 3:00 a.m. and they've been doing it

over and over again, all day, every day, 5 shows a week,

20 shows a month, month after month.

I need people who can keep up.

Oh, crap!

You don't have drugs, do you?

No. I don't think so.

Hello.

I am not drunk.

Well, I pulled you over for speeding,

but now I have to give you a breathalyzer.

- Absolutely not. - Just do it. You're not drunk.

My lawyer advised me not to do one.

They malfunction all the time.

Ma'am, I suggest you comply.

I am a U.S. citizen on American ground.

This is beyond... do you know my name?

You're about to find out.

Ma'am, please get out of the vehicle.

I'm live on Instagram.

You are being recorded and broadcast

directly to six witnesses.

Five. Four witnesses.

Five! He's back. Five!

Both of you, out now.

What?

Now!

Hey, what's going on?

You're not gonna believe this one, brother.

What are you doing?

Trying to get my phone.

I sneaked it into my waistband when that cop took my purse.

Can you reach it?

Ow.

Here.

Who are you texting?

I'm getting us out of here.

Yeah, Deborah Vance.

She's a female comedian.

I know, man. She's ornery.

You know, maybe for the opening,

the background is black and white,

but I'm in color because I bring color to the world

through my comedy. I mean, that hasn't been done.

Uh, except for the little girl in "Schindler's List."

Oh, yeah. That was good.

Vance, Vance.

Vance, dance.

Pants, Lance, France.

France. I don't know.

Something to do with Vance and dance.

Dance. Pants. - Oh, my God.

We are in the back of a cop car.

Would you give it a rest?

Plus, it's only been one day,

and we have a whole team of writers

to help us figure it out.

Oh, they're not gonna figure it out.

They can't write for me 'cause they're not me.

This is why I never worked with writers,

except for you, which was the biggest mistake of my life.

So much for our truce, huh?

God, I was so stupid for thinking

you could move past anything.

It's hard to move past getting stabbed in the back.

Well, I did.

And now I'm just trying to focus

on making the best show possible,

which is why I did this in the first place.

Okay, yes, I blackmailed you.

And I'm not stupid.

I know you love to hold a grudge,

but I hoped that what we had was special enough

to where you would, at least for one second,

consider my point of view.

I didn't just do it for me.

Oh, really?

I did it for both of us.

Yeah, keep telling yourself that.

Fine.

Whatever.

Make me the villain all you want,

but don't take it out on the writers,

'cause they don't deserve that.

Oh, she's here.

Took her long enough. - Who?

Look alive. The mayor's here.

Body cams off, boys.

Sorry I took so long, Deb.

I was having a driveway moment.

What do you mean?

You know, it's when you kind of get lost

in thought in your driveway.

Anyway, I heard they got you for manslaughter.

They said that the murder weapon's

got your prints all over it.

- What? - Whoa!

I'm just kidding.

Hey, but you don't wanna take a breathalyzer.

That's fine.

But what are we willing to do?

What do you mean?

Nothing in this town is free, Pepper Ann.

You scratch my back, I scratch yours.

Actually, that sounds really good.

Would you scratch my back?

I live alone.

Are you drunk?

I... I am, a little bit. Yes.

But shh.

I noticed that you haven't maxed out your contributions

to my campaign this year,

so maybe you could look into that?

Headline a fundraiser?

Sure.

Now we're talking.

All right, I'll be right back.

You stay there.

Here's the thing.

She's had all sorts of troubles.

And I won't get into it now, but she's not gonna

hurt anybody and she's fine.

And she's not drunk, so.

I'll tell you later. It's medication.

She's all right. - So we're letting her go?

You're letting her go. Go ahead.

Let's go, boys.

Ladies, free to go.

If Deborah says she's not drunk, she's not drunk.

Thanks, Mayor.

In fact, she can prove it too.

She is straight as an arrow.

Hey, Deb, I want you to hit that street light, all right?

Take my gun. - Come on!

- Mayor! - Oh, oh, oh, oh.

That is not necessary.

We'll take your word for it and issue Ms. Vance a warning.

Great. You see how ebey that was?

Sorry. Typo.

See how easy that was?

Hey, thank you for your service, boys.

Thank you.

I don't get why firemen are more popular than cops.

Then again, I don't really follow the news.

You're the mayor.

Yeah.

Isn't that cool?

It's very sweet of you to say that to me.

That's right. I won.

Thanks, Jo.

See you at the fundraiser.

- It's in the tongue. - Yes!

There you go.

- That's right. - Hey, you guys.

Sorry we're late.

It's a crazy story, but, uh, basically,

last night, we were pulled over and detained.

Wrongfully.

Wrongfully detained.

Huh.

The speed limit in Las Vegas is just a suggestion.

No, I was just thinking off of what you said.

What if the opening video is Deborah getting out

of late night jail?

Like she's been stuck in there

for 30 years and she's finally free?

That could be something.

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, maybe it's, like, an overcrowded women's prison

and then next door is a men's prison,

but it's completely empty.

And you've been chipping away at the wall with a pen,

like, "Shawshank Redemption" style.

- Eyebrow pencil. - Yeah, yeah.

And there's, like, a Deborah Vance Vegas residency poster

covering the hole. - Oh, yeah.

And then you're walking back to your cell

from the warden's office.

You're wearing the orange jumpsuit.

We pan down.

You're wearing Louboutins.

Oh, I like that. I like that.

And you try to lock James Corden in on your way out

so he doesn't do any more musicals.

Oh!

Aw, James is sweet.

But, yes, let's do that. I love that.

And I'm sorry, by the... I'm sorry.

Just... I'm sorry. - About?

Okay.

If you... then it's fine.

If you don't remember it, then it's fine.

- Hi. You wanted to see us? - Yeah, yeah.

Come on in.

Heard you had an impromptu retreat.

Yes... started out a little bumpy

but turned out to be just what we needed.

And we think we came up with an idea for the opening.

Great.

Glad something good came out of it.

What do you mean?

You know Stacey from HR.

Hi, ladies.

Well, there were many reports

about highly inappropriate behavior

on your writers' retreat.

Hired and fired a writer multiple times,

offered a suitcase full of illegal substances,

withheld food and water.

You took the writers to a nude strip club.

Don't they know what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?

Well, apparently not.

Who told? I'm gonna beat their ass.

No, no. You can't say that. She can't say that.

That is not permissible.

You don't beat someone's ass. All right?

Which brings me to the final complaint.

There's a lot of disruptive tension between the two of you,

a lot of reports about that.

I told you pretending wasn't gonna work.

Oh, it's my fault?

You just said you wanted to beat someone's ass.

Yeah, and you wanna know who?

Ladies!

Here is what is going to happen.

Per the network,

Stacey here is going to be the dedicated

HR chaperone for our show.

If you're in this building, Stacey's with you.

The two of you will not be unsupervised

together ever again. Got it?

No, I'm sorry.

I think that's gonna be really disruptive to our workflow.

We... we can't do that.

You're just not even gonna know that I'm h-here.

It's gonna be fine.

Sorry. Wrong pipe.

Sorry.

Wrong... I do that a lot. I aspirate.

Excuse me. I'm fine. I'm...

♪ You caught me once ♪

♪ You caught me twice ♪

♪ My eyes were closed, I paid the price ♪

♪ But I'm amazed, oh, yes, I am ♪

♪ To find you back with another plan ♪

♪ Are you out of your mind? ♪

♪ It took me ever such a long time ♪

♪ Just to leave it all behind ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ For quite a while I didn't know ♪

♪ Just what to do, which way to go ♪

♪ But that's all right, yeah, it's okay ♪

♪ I'm just beginning again to feel my way ♪

♪ Are you out of your mind? ♪

♪ It took me ever such a long time ♪

♪ Just to leave it all behind ♪

♪ Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Well, I don't know what your game is, boy ♪

♪ Or where your motive lies ♪

♪ But I'm not offended, no ♪

♪ I'm just a little bit surprised ♪