Original subtitles

Come on, babies. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Shh, shh, shh.

It's okay. It's okay.

Come on, come on.

Such a joke.

Good morning!

Oh, God. Bullshit!

You don't like the coffee?

No, I was referring

to the death of print journalism.

Oh, good, as long as it's not about the coffee.

Cancel my subscription to "The New York Times."

What are you going to do, read the "Post"?

Their Arts and Culture section

doesn't even scratch the surface.

And besides, I need the Wordle.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Morning.

- Hey, can I ask you something? - Yeah.

Um, okay, so I'm gonna post this.

Oh, wow.

- That's an amazing photo of you. - Thank you.

For the caption, which do you like better,

"Livin' la Vida Loca"

or "Oops, they let a dumb bitch be in 'The Times'"?

Um, yeah, I don't know.

Maybe be sincere.

What does it mean to you?

Uh, dream come true.

Then say that.

- Okay, thanks. - Of course.

- Have a good day. - You too.

Throw it on main, though, right?

- Oh, for sure. - Grid Post.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

Okay, totally.

- Peace and love. - Hey, Diana?

Hey.

Do I know you?

Yeah, you're Deborah's psychic, right?

- Yeah. - I'm Ava.

I'm Deborah's writer. We met in Sedona.

The blue aura.

- Oh, my God. - That's me.

You had the purest aura I've ever seen.

That is nice. I don't know.

- I feel like I was... - You don't have it anymore.

- I do have... I do. - No, no, no.

No, I'm getting something really rancid right now.

So, uh...

did Deborah bring you all the way out here

to sage the writers' room?

Oh, no, I'm with the show.

She hired me as a consulting producer.

She did?

I just got to cleanse this horrible energy that's in here.

Lots of sad divorced men have sat in these chairs.

- Yeah, yeah. - Oh, wait.

Getting something.

Hang on.

Does the phrase "hat on a hat" mean anything to you?

Interesting.

Oof.

You hired your psychic as a producer?

- Uh-huh. - That's ridiculous.

Psychics are very important.

They've been advising presidents

and emperors for millennia.

Ronald Reagan couldn't choose an entrée without one.

And besides, you have no say in who I hire as producer.

Well, I do have a say in which writers we hire.

I stayed up all weekend combing through submissions.

These were the 12 strongest.

Rude!

I've already made my choices...

Norm Klein, Brian Pile,

Linda Farraday, and Merrill Markoe.

They're all seasoned late-night writers.

You know, like, 800 people submitted, right?

We have to give fresh voices a fair shot.

We're not gonna hire unemployed people.

We need writers with actual experience

because our head writer just went straight from coproducer

to executive extorter.

- My God. - You know, if I'm gonna spend

all day with these people, I need to feel confident.

Wait, you're planning on being in the writers' room?

Of my own show?

Of course. What do you expect?

That's just not how it typically works.

Usually the head writer runs the room,

and then the host just approves jokes.

I'm trying to make your life easier.

Oh, well, then kill yourself.

That is not funny.

Stay in your lane,

which I believe is the drive-through lane

at Del Taco.

Nice try. I'm a Jack in the Box girl.

You know what, Deborah? I'm just doing my job, okay?

I'm trying to hire writers

that reflect the world we actually live in.

Well, if you'd like to resign, I suppose I could take

a risk on some up-and-coming QPOCs.

QPOCs?

Do you even know what that means?

Queer person of color, you bitch.

Where the fuck did you learn that?

Backstage at the GLAAD Awards.

Begone.

Okay, guys, you're kind of pissing me off.

Everyone sign in with your name and species, all right?

There's too many humans with dog names

and dogs with human names.

Help me help you.

Oswald. Who's Oswald?

- Let's make this easy. - Oh, my God.

- No. - Hi.

What is going on in here?

Uh, I'm meeting with potential new clients.

Hello. What?

I told you my business plan. We both need our thing.

You've cornered the market on women of a certain age

and lesbian writers.

I'm gonna corner the market on animals and children.

I'm the queen of petite!

Are you gonna get the phone?

- Oh, Schaefer & LuSaque. - LuSaque & Schaefer.

We're still arguing about the name.

Don't tell people that.

Lucky for you, they hung up.

Ugh! You're making my job hard.

I don't know if I can deal with this, okay?

My cup is full.

Hey, my cover girl. How's it going?

Do you know no one is answering your office phone?

Yes, I do.

Um, we're having a bit of a personnel shortage.

Sorry about that.

Deborah's not letting me do my job,

and she's calling me so many names.

I think she googled slang terms for redheads

- or something. - God, okay.

Also, has Kayla found me an apartment yet?

I'm spending too much on a hotel room

that doesn't even have slippers.

No slippers?

That is criminal.

Can you hold on for one second, Ava?

Hey, my cover girl.

- Did you read it? - The "Times" profile?

Yes, I thought it was really, really good.

You look gorgeous.

"With the 27-year-old Daniels in her stable,

"Vance's material evolved,

becoming honest, raw, and political again."

You think that's great?

That ginger Judas is getting credit for my entire career.

Oh, well, I-I didn't... That's not how I read it.

Ava didn't make me honest. I've always been honest.

I was the one person to speak candidly

about Barbara Bush's hairline

when George was still in office.

And you were brave for that.

Can you hold on for one second, Deborah?

- Hello? - Sorry.

So Deborah is upset about the profile.

Maybe you could just be a little nice to her

- for the next day or two. - The profile?

Oh, my God, she's so petty.

I'm... no, I'm not gonna indulge her.

Right, I hear that...

And I respect it. Can you hold on for one second?

Be right back. Hey, Deborah.

Sorry, I think we got disconnected.

We need to issue a correction.

"A correction"? With "The New York Times"?

Um, you know what? I can try.

Are you at a dog pound?

Okay, and you know what? Um, let me think on that.

One second, Deborah.

Okay. Clearly, she's nuts.

- I know. - She is.

- Hello? - Deborah?

Oh, good.

We're all together.

This is my plan, "Parent Trap" situation.

Look, communication is the key.

Are you shit-talking me to my manager, Ava?

He's my manager, too, and he thinks you're nuts.

No! No, I don't.

- No, I don't. Deborah... - He does.

I do... I do not.

I was saying Kayla is. Kayla's nuts.

- Oh, God, I'm out of here. - I'm not doing this.

No, no, no, no, no. Oh!

- Mother... - I'm not nuts. I'm quirky!

- Ugh! - No, Kayla!

I didn't mean that!

It's the phones.

We need assistants!

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I didn't know she was napping.

Damien!

Sorry, I was eating dinner.

What's up?

I need bear urine and lots of it.

Still or sparkling?

Kidding. Sorry.

It's for the coyotes.

I'm on it.

Yuck, sweaty back.

Is the blindfold really necessary?

Yes, it's like a gender reveal but for your apartment.

It's special. It's a core memory.

- Now shut up. - Okay, okay.

You're home!

Your balcony is right over there, sister!

I made sure it's by Sprinkles Cupcakes

because it smells so good... vanilla!

You got me an apartment at the mall?

It's not a mall.

It's an outdoor mall.

It's the Americana.

Listen, you are embarking

on a really important moment in your career.

Your life's gonna be hell, hell on Earth.

And you're gonna need to focus on the work and just the work.

Like, you're not gonna be able to do anything.

So why not live somewhere where you can have access

to anything you might need?

I don't think I need a cupcake vending machine.

Okay, I hear you.

But imagine how convenient it's gonna be

when you can pick up your Prozac at Rite Aid.

Hop on down to Sephora for some blotting paper

for that oily-ass T-zone.

- Okay. - You hit the nail salon.

I know you're gonna be chomping those bits down to hell, girl!

Also, you're not gonna have time to cook, honey,

but guess what.

There's nothing more ding-dang delicious

than Jersey Mike's.

It's open late. Come on.

You're weirdly kind of right.

- Okay, yeah. - Yes!

Okay, let's go to Claire's and get my tits pierced.

Here you go.

I had some thoughts.

Yeah, a thought on every page.

Every third word is crossed out or marked up.

It's not working for me.

What's not working for you?

I think we can get better terms.

We can't. I went back and forth many times.

It's a generous deal,

and there's a clock on this from QVC.

Well, then you better work quickly.

Opening this back up is not a good idea.

It's not negotiating in good faith,

and I know you know that.

Well, if you had gotten me what I deserved

in the first place, we wouldn't be doing this.

Excuse me. I have a show to run.

Yeah, I know you do.

That's what I'm trying to let you do here.

I'm sorry about that.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hi, Mr. LuSaque. - Yes, Jimmy.

Randi, Kayla's new assistant.

Oh, um, nice to meet you.

I didn't realize she had hired someone.

Yeah, me.

Cool. Well, welcome aboard.

Let me know if you need anything.

No, I'm... I'm good. I'm in heaven.

Really loving this landline culture here.

You want something done, you just call.

Where were you before this, one of the agencies or...

Oh, no. Me, I never been nowhere.

- Hmm? - Last week I was

a Hasidic Lubavitch Jew

living in Crown Heights, New York.

Now I'm in LA, I'm gay, and probably an atheist.

Till last week, I never even seen a movie.

Huh.

Have you seen "Speed"?

- Uh, yeah. - Is that a movie?

- Sandra Bullock? - Oh, yeah.

We really should sign Sandra Bullock.

Oh, um, she has very good representation,

and we actually have a no-poaching policy,

- so... - Oh, that's a shame.

I mean, if you're not aggressive in this business,

you're never gonna make it.

Okay, uh, I thought you were new to the business, so...

No, I know. That's just true of any business.

- Hmm. - Hey, where's your assistant?

I haven't, uh, made a hire yet.

I have, like, a million résumés to get through.

Oh, forget the résumés. They're a printout of lies.

You truly want to assess somebody as a candidate,

why don't you ask them how many peanut M&M's

they could fit into a Honda Civic?

Wait, you...

It doesn't matter the answer,

- just to see how they think. - Huh, yeah.

You might also want to ask them their ethnicity,

but you didn't hear that from me.

Hmm, uh, we are really happy to have you here.

So happy to be here.

We cannot have her here.

Why not?

She's amazing. I found her on LinkedIn.

She has more connections than a train station.

Okay, but not in our industry.

Plus, she's not your type, so I don't have to worry

about you trying to sleep with her.

My type? What is my type?

Round eyes, long hair, big old fat dump-truck ass.

Okay, stop.

I'm not gonna sleep with an assistant.

You're a man of power now. You don't know what you'll do.

Yeah, I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm not gonna sleep with an assistant.

Mr. LuSaque?

Yes?

I actually did think of something.

I'm gonna need another sink, to keep kosher.

Even though you're maybe an atheist?

Oh, it's got nothing to do. Kosher living is just cleaner.

I mean, some of these religious tenets, they were right.

- I can't help that. - Yeah. Okay.

I'll send you a couple options.

- Of sinks? - Yeah, I'm easy.

Okay.

I really think you need to do a trial period

just to see if it's a match, because it's not.

Okay, fine.

I'll take her to the movies tonight... whatever.

The movies? No, don't take her to the movies.

See if she works out for a week.

Okay, fine. This ruined my day. Thanks.

Uh, it ruined your day?

Well, you're gonna go see a fun movie tonight

- with your friend. - Oh, Mr. Jealous.

If you wanted to come, you can just ask.

- I don't. - Okay.

- I don't. - That's not nice.

But tell me what you see, because there's a couple things

that I haven't seen and I want to see.

- Okay, love you. - Love you.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm just toasting a bagel.

No, not you, Bitch-a-bod Crane over here.

Well, it's your favorite, recycling.

You got a problem with pour-over now?

Uh, yes, Norma Rae.

Office coffee is made first thing in the morning

in a big batch, and then it cooks all day

on a heat pad until it tastes like shit.

And that's what you want your employees to have?

First you give them pour-over,

and then they expect personal days

and stop responding to emails on the weekend.

It is a slippery slope.

I can't believe you're fighting me on this.

A Mr. Coffee works... fast, efficient.

And do not give me shit about its gendering.

Oh, I have trouble with that stuff, too.

Oh, there you are.

You guys make any headway with the writers?

We really got to get that squared away.

Oh, yes, I was just telling Eva that.

Oh, and I was just telling Dah-borah

about a very promising young comic

that I'm planning on scouting tonight.

Oh, and I was just telling her, there's no way

I'm gonna let her go to that alone, so I'm gonna go, too.

Wow, sounds like a great convo.

I'll let you guys get to it, then.

Dah-borah, I am so sorry

I've been mispronouncing your name all these years.

- I mean, who knew? - It's okay.

Maybe other people knew. I didn't know.

I'm a psychic.

I should have known.

We're gonna keep the show going.

Uh, this next person is one of my favorite comics.

She is so funny. I love her so much.

You probably know her from her "Arliss" rewatch podcast,

or you saw her crush it on the Netflix "Roast of Naomi Watts."

Please put your hands together for the hilarious

Grace Fletcher!

Oh, hey, how's it going, everybody?

You know, I hate it when I, uh... when I get pregnant

and the sex wasn't even that good.

He came in two minutes, and now I have to pay

for someone to go to college.

Where are you going?

We're missing Grace's set.

Well, we're obviously not going to hire her.

I mean, why would I waste my time?

Oh, my God!

You mean because she's pregnant?

Yes.

But that's not fair.

She's smart and funny.

I'm sure she is.

And if in 18 years, the position is still open,

- she can have it. - That is illegal.

Well, slavery was legal for many years.

The law isn't always right.

You can't compare having a child to slavery.

Oh, yes, I can. I've had one.

Trust me, the only thing harder than raising a child

is writing for late night.

You can't do both.

- Just drop it. - I just feel so badly for her.

Well, so do I.

- You do? - No!

I just said that because I thought

it would end this conversation.

Do you really believe

that we shouldn't hire a pregnant person?

Or do you just want to go against me?

Because you've been fighting me on every little thing.

And I think it's actually because of your ego.

- Mm. - You can't handle

that you have to share credit with me.

Oh.

I know you were mad about the cover.

You're right.

But what actually bothers me about that cover

is that you should not be on it,

because you're not the right person for the job.

- You offered it to me! - I know I did!

That's before I realized how many eyeballs would be on it.

What does that mean?

That article only confirmed for me

I never should have offered you

that position in the first place.

They said how you helped make my material

more fresh and vulnerable and... and honest.

And... and you did, and I thank you for that.

You're fucking welcome.

But it also made it niche.

Late night is for housewives and mechanics.

You're very good at what you do,

but you are not the right person to lead that show!

Is she bothering you, Ms. Vance?

No.

- Shit. - Hi.

No. No, we were just leaving.

You're wrong, and I'm gonna prove it to you.

LuSaque & Schaefer or Schaefer & LuSaque.

They haven't really decided yet.

No, it's not four of them.

- It's just... - Ooh!

Oh!

Kayla Anne Schaefer!

I'm gonna have to call you back.

- Hey, baby. - Don't call me "baby."

I just stepped in one of your clients' shits.

No more animals in this office, okay?

I can't handle this.

I'm dealing with all this stuff with Deborah and Ava.

I just had to go to Kinko's to print out résumés

because we don't even have a printer set up yet.

I can't even hire an assistant, much less clean up

animal shit in this office.

Speaking of that.

Randi, can you get over here right now?

Will you please tell Mr. Jimmy what you did today?

Certainly. I had some time and took the liberty

of exploring your online presence.

Permission to be frank... you got none.

Okay.

So I made your company a website.

That something?

You made that whole thing today?

Yeah, 15 minutes on Squarespace.

It's nothing. I'm surprised you didn't have one.

I mean, do not be afraid to toot your own horn,

especially in this business.

That's what it's all about.

Here, stay in that light.

There, that's your company photo.

You got a beautiful face.

- Shame to hide it. - I always tell him that.

I was doing a weird expression.

- I didn't know we were... - Long lashes.

- Doing a headshot. - What I've learned

about this business is, everybody is soft.

Agents work less than teachers at this point.

I mean, I just heard about Summer Fridays.

- Isn't that ridiculous? - Disgusting.

Why would Fridays be season-dependent?

- Yeah, I don't... - And then apparently,

everybody takes off mid-October,

comes back end of January.

And you want to know why the entire industry

is in the toilet.

Nobody wants to work.

I don't disagree. I just...

I'm kind of searching for your point here.

I should be both your assistants.

That's my point.

Look, Mr. LuSaque, you're so stressed, you're molting.

Your hair is everywhere.

- It's not good. - What?

You're standing in shit, for Christ's sake.

Hire me, and let's move on with our lives already.

If I'm not the greatest assistant you both ever had,

you send me on the bus packing.

Man, I can't stop thinking about "Speed."

Sorry with all the bus.

Such a good movie.

Well, I would love something taken off my plate,

so, honestly, it's insane,

but if you are okay with it, Kayla...

- She's fine with it. - I love it.

All right, then you know what?

Great, you're hired.

- I'm scared, but, okay. - Yes!

- Okay. - Now, take off your shoes

and give me those résumés.

I'm gonna use them to scrape the shit off the bottom.

Okay, there's that. You sure?

I'm positive. This is what I do.

Okay.

By the way, I sold a show today.

- You did? - Yeah, "Lassie" reboot.

I sold it over text.

You sold a half-hour over text?

No one's even buying half-hours.

Oh, yeah. Pilot production commitment.

This bitch is a star.

- Okay. Hey! - Let's celebrate!

Cosmos in my room.

You mean your office?

Whoo!

Kick that other shoe off, baby.

Sorry, Deborah, I know you're working on writer submissions,

but what I've learned is that female bear piss doesn't work.

It's got to be male.

So I've narrowed down my search,

but that's also lengthened my search.

Hi.

Winnie Landell wants to meet you both for dinner at 6:30.

Tonight? As in two hours from now?

I wasn't told to find a time that works.

I was told to add it to your schedules.

Oh, well, then we'll be there.

Perfect.

Whoa, whoa!

Jesus.

This place is crazy.

Everything's concrete.

I bet Winnie's shattered her phone screen so many times.

You get one glass of wine.

And why didn't you wear mascara?

This isn't a fucking library.

I had a Lunchable for lunch, so this is obviously a step up.

Delicious, and the view... stunning.

I mean, the last time I was this high up on Mulholland,

Bob Evans had his hand up my shirt.

What's going on between you two?

Me and Bob Evans? He's dead.

Yeah. No, I mean you two.

- The Comedy Store last night? - What do you...

I don't... I don't know what you...

Saw a video of you two screaming at each other online.

Oh.

Yeah, no, that was... that was a creative conversation.

Because we really... we really care.

- You're a public figure now. - I've been telling her that.

It's... it's... she's new to it.

You're new to it, too.

This is a bigger stage than you've ever been on.

You're not in Vegas anymore.

I need to know you're taking this job seriously,

because you're behind schedule.

I'm hearing you haven't made writer hires.

Marketing has gotten no feedback

on the taglines they sent last week.

And what the hell is up with these pranks?

Oh.

The pranks are... they're... they're harmless.

They make... they make the vibe fun around the office.

You know, George Clooney does pranks.

You think George Clooney does pranks because they're fun?

The man is sick.

I don't think either of you understand.

Late night's in trouble.

No, we've read the trades.

Oh, it's way worse than that.

In the end, it wasn't a choice between you

and someone else to host.

It was a choice between you and no one.

Wow.

The network was about ready to be done with the whole thing

and replace it with a clip show.

I didn't know that.

You were a big swing, and you take a big swing

when you need a grand slam.

You need to turn this whole thing around.

We need big guests, big numbers.

We need to expand the brand equity of late night.

I'm talking spin-offs.

What's your "Carpool Karaoke"?

I... uh, I...

Uh, you better figure it out.

You need to be thinking big picture.

I-I-I love a challenge.

Good, because if you thought getting this job was hard,

that was easy compared to what you're up against.

You air in a month.

I need a hit by the end of the year.

And whatever's going on between you two, fix it.

A hit? What does that even mean?

H-how is that even possible anymore?

What?

Smile. We're on camera.

Move!

- Hi. - Hi.

- Thanks for coming by. - Sure.

Have a seat.

Want some coffee?

Uh, I'm good.

Um...

Look, um...

I-I-I was way out of line the other day.

The deal is good.

Michael Jordan's Nike deal was good.

This deal is incredible.

It's just...

it's not easy letting you go.

It's not easy for me either,

but this is a big moment for you.

I don't want to be a distraction.

Deborah, I need you to listen to me very carefully.

You need to put your whole ass into this.

I'm serious.

What we built was huge.

But you only had room for it because you didn't have

the chance to perform at this level,

and now you have that chance.

And I have the chance to never think

about jeggings ever again.

You love jeggings.

I don't.

Listen, I had an idea.

How about if I made you

- an executive producer? - Deborah.

A non-writing EP, they call it.

- They don't do anything. - Not doing anything...

does that sound like fun for people like us?

No, no.

You're right.

I just... I need people around me that I can trust.

You have Ava.

No.

No, she's... she's out of her depth.

When I started with you, I was younger than her,

and I was way out of my depth,

but look what we built.

You got to dance with the one who brought you.

So no changing your mind, huh?

Deborah, I don't want to be on the sidelines

fighting for face time with you.

You're getting to do something you always wanted.

I deserve that, too.

You do.

Okay. Okay.

So what are you gonna do?

I don't know yet, which is scary.

You're kind of my longest relationship.

That's not scary. That's pathetic.

What's pathetic is that I'm yours.

Oh, no, you're not. No.

- Josefina is. - She left for four years.

We were on a break.

Hey, where do I spray?

Everywhere.

Got it.

What... what is that?

Bear piss.

Oh.

LA... it's crazy.

Ava!

Get down here!

You know, you're not funny enough

to dress like Adam Sandler.

What are you doing here, Deborah?

You know Glendale is my turf.

Pack a bag. You're late.

What? I-I'm just waking up.

I barely had a sip of my Barnes & Noble Café coffee.

Writers are waiting for you.

You hired writers without consulting me?

There are too many other things to deal with.

Look, I read the packets.

I chose from the strongest of your picks,

so it's gonna be them, Brian Pile, and Merrill Markoe

when she gets back from Rome.

Oh, okay.

Slay. Even the pregnant woman?

No, she turned us down. She wants to work in narrative.

- Ah, our loss. - Dodged a bullet.

Look, we don't have enough time to keep arguing.

I agree.

So, truce?

I think we have to. I mean, you heard Winnie.

We've got to be a hit, so let's go.

It's Saturday.

That's why we're calling it a writers' retreat.

Come on, they're waiting for us on the tarmac.

"Tarmac"? Where are we going?

- Where else? Vegas! - Uh...