Original subtitles

Okay, Ava, your office is right here.

Deborah, yours is this way.

- Wonderful. - Great.

Come in.

Well, aren't you a big, brave girl?

I guess I am.

It's for the best.

We'll see.

Oh.

Deborah!

Hey. Deborah!

Wait!

Rob told me.

You made Ava head writer.

I... I'm honestly moved.

The fact that you have the grace and humility

to see the error of your ways and do the right thing,

it is inspiring.

You two have been through so much together.

And, yes, I am the one that paired you,

but that's not important, right?

What's important is, you're supporting each other.

And women supporting women, that's where it's at.

Why don't you ask that little cunt what really happened?

No. No!

Why, Ava, why?

I know her, okay?

All Deborah cares about is the show being a hit,

and I will make sure that it is.

She just called you the C-word...

and not in a cool RuPaul way, in an angry boomer way.

She's really upset.

Oh, she's upset?

Don't worry about her.

The spice don't stick to the chicken.

Chicken? What chicken?

What I mean is, nothing amounts to anything with her.

You're loyal to her, it builds zero goodwill.

So don't worry about her feelings,

'cause she doesn't have any.

- She's heartless. - Exactly.

I'm afraid of what she's gonna do.

Once, she had someone removed from an organ-transplant list.

The woman lived, but it was a miracle.

Jesus.

Not to make this about me,

but why are you doing this to me?

This is my first on-screen credit as a producer.

You were the one who told me to take the job, so I did.

Yeah, I didn't mean take it take it.

You deserve the job, but this isn't the way you go about it.

Oh, right, you were the one who wanted me to roll over

and take the number-two job.

I'm honestly considering being mad at you.

- No! - Fine!

You wanted me to learn from her... well, I did.

I wanted you to learn the value of a hard day's work

and a... and a borscht belt punch line.

You have to get a late-night show off the ground.

Blackmail on day one? Not good!

I'm just doing what she would have done.

And that's the problem.

She's been doing this for 50 years.

You're not gonna beat her at her own game.

Nobody beats Deborah.

Till now.

Oh, God. Thank you, Nathaniel.

You're welcome.

And those are from?

"Deborah, it's going to be a slam dunk.

Love, your friend LeBron James."

And let's put the tulips in the guest room,

because Deborah thinks tulips are whorish.

Yeah.

- "Sit on this"? - Joy Behar.

That's the nicest note she's ever sent.

So are you gonna tell Deborah today?

Yeah.

I mean, first day at her dream job,

she's in a great mood.

Now is probably the ideal time to tell her I'm leaving, right?

- Yeah, I think so. - Yeah.

Oh, hi.

Everything okay?

Yeah, I was getting an early start on the demo.

You can't trust anybody these days.

- You need something? - Nope. Nope.

We'll... we'll let you get to it.

Okay.

Good morning.

Badge?

Oh, um, it's my first day.

I don't have my... my badge yet.

License.

- This you? - Yep.

You sure? This girl look like depression.

That was the old me, see?

Oh, yeah, that is you.

- New job, new me. - I love it.

- Have a great day. - Oh, I will.

Oh.

- I got it. - All right.

Come on up. What do you want?

Hey, can we talk?

Yeah, yeah. Come on in. You can close the door.

I'd prefer to keep it open, if that's okay with you.

Okay.

I found this on my desk this morning.

And I found these...

inside.

Came with a note:

"From your head writer, Ava."

But "head" was underlined.

Are these yours?

Well, the holes tell me yes.

But I did not... I did not send those to you.

Look, I know this is a comedy show

and you're a comedy writer,

but bits like this are highly inappropriate,

- and I would appreciate... - It was Deborah.

- It was Deborah? - Yes.

It's a prank.

Whoo!

It's George Clooney.

It's playful. We love it.

- I don't love it. - I don't love it either.

We need to talk to Deborah about it.

This is serious.

You're trying to tell me that Deborah Vance

somehow got ahold of your panties

and put them on my desk as a prank?

Yes, it's... it's part of our silly repartee.

And besides, you know I didn't do it,

'cause I know the joke isn't funny since you're gay.

I'd prefer you not assume my sexual orientation.

Totally.

There is a... there's a picture

of you marrying a man in your office, though.

You don't know who that man is.

I'm moving up the sexual-harassment training.

Okay, amazing.

Fabulous.

Okay.

Huh, they moved up the HR meeting.

- I wonder why. - Ha ha.

- Nice try with the panties. - "Panties"? We're at work.

Act appropriately, you fucking skank.

That's rich coming from you.

Aren't you and Mary Magdalene neck and neck

for the title of world's oldest whore?

Be careful. I'm wearing a wire.

What?

You're... are you?

No.

Okay, that's the end of our presentation.

Does anybody have any questions?

Yes?

Yeah, so, um, in your presentation,

you said that sexual relationships between employees

- of a company are prohibited. - Mm.

But what about relationships that happen

before the season of a show,

say, I don't know, on a golf retreat or something like that?

Yeah, that is a gray area,

but I would say our policy is real clear.

Any sexual relations between two employees is discouraged.

What if it's, like, less of a relationship,

more of, like, a home-wrecker-type situation?

Well, I think that would be highly inappropriate.

Yeah, I think we can all agree on that in here, right?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, thanks, Stacey.

- You're so welcome. - Oh. Sorry.

Oh, wait. Hold on, everybody.

- Yeah? - Second row. One more.

Is there an age limit on sexual favors in the workplace,

or do senior citizens get a pass

'cause it's, like, good for them?

Maybe she could email her disgusting questions

and let the rest of us get back to our day.

I have a press conference to get to.

Well, actually, I do have to keep you all here

for the entirety of the Q&A in case there's anything relevant.

And to answer your question,

no, there is no pass on sexual favors.

Thanks, Stace.

What if I walked in on someone taking

a nude photograph of themselves in the workplace?

Would that be grounds for dismissal?

If they're just taking a photo of, you know,

an abnormal mole for a medical professional...

Oh, I doubt it... they're filthy with freckles,

and they don't do a thing about it.

What's the policy on physical violence?

Is it okay for a boss to slap an employee

- across the face at work? - Absolutely not.

And what is the corporate policy on extortion?

Is this the kind of workplace

where insider trading is considered bad?

I just want to clarify 'cause I worked with someone

who said I was naive to have a problem with it.

And what if someone tells you their pronouns

when you did not ask and you do not care?

Well, what if someone tells you how to dress

for your body shape

when you did not ask and you do not care?

Can I fire someone for free bleeding in the workplace?

Okay, you know what?

This is just not sounding very hypothetical.

So there is a tip line,

and you can report any workplace misconduct on there.

Yes?

Can I wear a tank top to the office?

Okay, yeah, that's enough detail.

I don't need to hear any more.

Yeah, so the handlebar was on his prostate,

male G-spot.

He was totally blissed out.

Okay, I don't think your brother

should be telling you that kind of stuff.

Hey.

- Hey. - You okay?

Not really. Deborah's being insane.

She sent Rob a pair of my dirty panties.

What?

It's not funny. She's trying to get me fired.

Okay, well, they're hiring at "Family Guy."

Kayla, I'm not gonna work at "Family Guy."

I didn't say it was an offer.

It's a good show.

That guy Brian is hot.

The dog?

- Is he a dog? - Yeah, Brian is the dog.

I don't... I don't need a new job.

What I need is a place to live.

Deborah donated all my clothes to Goodwill.

I had to buy them back a second time.

I bought them there originally.

Okay, as your new official co-manager,

I'll find you a place to live.

We... we've never discussed comanagement.

Yeah, and I'm gonna prove to you

we never needed to discuss it by doing a good job.

Can you do 6.5 cash right now,

or do you need a second to liquefy?

I'm gonna rent.

Oof, I didn't know people still did that.

I'm up for the challenge.

Deborah.

- Hello. Hi. - Hello, hello.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I was trying to bond with my kid.

Doctor's orders.

Anyway, this is the head of publicity.

Cece Heaumeaux.

Spell that.

H-E-A-U-M-E-A-U-X.

Hmm, okay.

Deborah, we're getting so many incomings.

Everyone is so excited about you.

And just this morning, we got an offer for the cover

of "New York Times Magazine."

Ah, that's fantastic.

I always said the Gray Lady needed a little more blonde.

Ha! All right.

I need a mint.

This woman has reinvented herself...

Hey, queen. Here are some jokes.

I thought you might do that. Here's another set.

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

I've cut my nose plenty of times.

It always works out well for my face.

Please welcome your new host,

the one and only Deborah Vance.

- Oh, Michael. - Deborah, I got to ask...

are you feeling any pressure to live up

to the legacy of the hosts that came before you?

No, I prefer to think of them as opening acts.

How does it feel to be the first woman at 11:30

- on one of the Big Three? - Thrilling.

I've always wanted to break the glass time slot.

Deborah, how are you planning

to stand out from the other hosts?

I plan on making a lot more money than they do.

So late night has struggled to appeal to younger audiences.

And now you are the oldest host in history.

How much extra pressure are you feeling

to appeal to the under-34 demo?

How much extra pressure do you feel

to ask better questions?

Ooh. Okay.

Kidding, kidding. You know what?

If they want to get off their phones and watch, great.

If not, I'm not gonna lose sleep over it.

Yeah?

So, obviously, you got the show because you're funny.

Uh, what do you say to people

who say that women aren't funny?

Well, I guess we'll just have to wait

for someone to say it to me,

and then we'll have a great, big, fun surprise.

Deborah, are you worried about the physical toll

that producing and hosting five new shows a week

will take on your body, you know, given your age?

Stamina has never been an issue for me.

Is it for you?

Well, as a woman...

No, no, no, let me stop you right there.

How about you not think of me as a woman, okay?

I'm not a woman. I'm a comedian. Got it?

Okay, thank you all so much.

We're incredibly excited,

and I think that's enough for today.

Well, what happened out there was a press conference.

I think we could afford to be a little more friendly.

- Huh, Deb? - Sure, of course.

We need a simple, clear message

that Deborah can parrot.

We'll figure out a strong angle

for "The Times" cover story,

and then we can push that narrative.

Great, and we invited key press to Lipka's party

for you tonight so you can make nice.

- Okay. - Oh, Bob's having a party?

Whoa, I had no idea you were in this conversation.

- Yes, you coming? - No, no, no, she can't.

She's got way too many responsibilities

as my head writer.

She's too busy lifting me up.

Deborah, we have that 3:00 p.m. Zoom

- with the Orbit gum people. - Potential sponsor, important.

Yeah, so right this way.

I wrote good material for her that she just threw away.

Fucking lunatic.

Okay, this energy is bad, putrid, stinks.

Look, I'm just throwing it out there.

I could call Steve and see if he'd be willing to come back.

Maybe you two could work out a co-head-writer situation.

Absolutely not.

If you bring this up to me again, you're fired.

Okay, I'm just trying to help,

because you cannot make a show like this.

It's not gonna work.

Why don't you mind your own business, Jimmy?

She is not beating the cunt allegations.

Kayla, I told you,

I don't like that word if we're not in London.

Eva Daniels.

Ava Daniels.

- HR sent us. - Oh, my God.

Is this about taking the photo for my security badge?

I'll take the picture.

I just want to be two days out from a wash.

My hair poofs, goes triangle.

We received an anonymous complaint

about you being on illegal substances at work.

What? An anonymous complaint?

Oh, my God, that bitch.

- Fill the cup. - No, I just peed.

But, also, I'm not on drugs.

I should have led with that. I'm not on drugs.

Then you should pass with flying colors.

Your pick.

Well, I hate water, so...

Ah, ah, before you go, got to pat you down.

Some people bring in clean piss to pass.

- Is this really nec... - Yeah.

- Hey, John. - Hey.

It's good to see you.

Anything yet, Ava?

Oh, fuck, I spilled it.

Oh, that took forever.

Do I have to do it again?

It's okay, Damien.

The second pair of Spanx got me there.

No, it's me.

You, uh, forgot about our lunch today.

Oh, I...

God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I had a press conference that did not go well,

and then I had a two-hour meeting about chewing gum.

Uh, no problem.

I'll have Damien find another time this week.

Well, you're here now. What's going on?

It's okay. You... you clearly have somewhere to be.

And you clearly have something to say,

so say it.

I don't think this is the right moment.

Oh, well, now you definitely have to say it.

What the hell's going on?

So there is a complication with the network

in regards to your existing endorsement deals.

They don't want you to be the face

of any competing product,

which includes literally anything on QVC.

Oh, God.

Well, we'll just have to figure it out.

I mean, maybe we can do some kind of carve-out deal...

We don't have to figure anything out.

I've already figured it out.

Oh, well, great. What's the plan?

I've arranged for DV Industries

to be sold to QVC.

Excuse me?

We need to move quickly and pass papers.

You did this without consulting me?

With you hosting, you can't merchandise your own name,

but they can.

And what are you gonna do?

You're leaving.

Listen, you hosting isn't just a conflict with QVC.

It also means there's less of a place for me in the...

You went behind my back.

Whoa. Behind your back? I did this for you.

And by the way, I made you a lot of money.

Do you even want to know how much I sold it for?

I don't care about the money! It's about loyalty!

Deborah, I have been loyal to you for 22 years.

You can't even commit to a damn lunch.

Don't you think I deserve better than that?

Oh, there it is.

It's about you.

You're just like everyone else.

The minute I get what I'm fighting for,

it becomes all about what you need and what's best for you.

I can't enjoy this for one second

before everyone starts coming for me!

You don't know what you're talking about.

How is this happening again?

How is it everyone leaves me as soon as I get what I want?

- Am I in a goddamn time machine? - Deborah, calm down.

Seriously! Is this a fucking time machine?

If so, then why do I still have these goddamn crow's feet?

Okay.

My lawyers will be in touch to finalize the deal.

Hello.

Hey, where are you?

Oh, you know me... at the office, working.

Okay, wow, so you're not gonna be here for a while?

I'm sorry. Be where?

The Boiling Crab?

Your assistant set a dinner for us

and insisted that it be shellfish.

We've been sitting here for 45 minutes.

My assistant.

Yes, right. So sorry.

I will be there ASAP.

Start without me.

Fuck.

It's a real Hollywood story

created by the brilliant Brad Hall.

It ran from 1995 to 1997.

And that single guy was, of course, Jonathan Silverman.

- Oh, God. - Ma'am, no.

You need to get off right now.

I work here. I just need to get to my car fast.

Get off right now, or I will call lot security.

No, I just got away from them.

Get down.

It's okay. I work here.

Working here is not the issue.

You need to get off. You made me miss Wisteria Lane.

Now, everybody, it is there that Teri Hatcher

made her triumphant return to network television.

Hey, Rob.

- Almost there. - Don't bother, okay?

I've got to change for Bob's party.

I dropped my tie in the gumbo.

- I got to go. - No, no, no, no, no! Fuck!

Ma'am, there are no phone calls allowed on the lot tour!

I'm not on the lot tour!

I'm using it as a mode of transportation.

I don't give a fuck about the Bates Motel!

How dare you?

It's great to see you guys. Thanks for coming.

- Yeah, thank you. - Good to see you.

- You too. - Bob. Jimmy LuSaque, Jr.

Of course, Jimmy, I know who you are.

You're the man who made this all happen.

Well, I mean, I'm one of them.

You're the other one, plus the women, of course,

because women are where it's at.

Yeah, I remember your dad used to worry

'cause you only hung out with girls.

Now, look, you've made a career of it.

Well, I had a coed friend group.

But, yes, of course, I had plenty

of platonic female friends, which I think is healthy.

And now you're a producer on the show.

Yes, I am.

This is a career-making moment,

- so let's make a hit. - You got it.

- Great to see you, Jimmy. - You too, Bob.

Yeah, no, I was absolutely shocked

'cause it just flopped out.

Would you excuse us for one moment?

- Can I steal you? - I think it was pierced.

What was the one thing I asked you not to do tonight?

To talk about the Lenny Kravitz penis video.

I'm sorry, but they brought it up.

There is no way that they brought it up.

Oh, I think maybe I did.

Listen, we are in the yard where it happens, okay?

This is Bob Lipka's house. The man runs Hollywood.

And you're a manager now, so do me a favor...

make a good impression and just try to act normal.

Whatever. The champagne's hitting.

It's gonna be one of those nights

where you wake up the next day and you think,

damn, dog, who'd I sign last night?

Whoa. Kayla.

- I feel sick. - Kayla, come on, just...

- I think I'm gonna puke. - Please don't puke here.

Obviously I signed off,

but Winnie was really your champion.

And I'm happy to take orders from women.

I love being a kingmaker...

well, queenmaker, I guess.

- No, I like "kingmaker" better. - Yeah.

People are excited.

Our gay neighbors were screaming about it,

in a good way.

They're 60, but they're open.

Isn't that interesting?

- Anyway, we're thrilled. - Me too.

Oh. Pardon.

If you two will excuse me, I'm gonna go powder my nose.

Oh, no, the porta-johns are for the general population.

- Let me show you inside. - Oh. Okay.

Ah, Marcia, you were wrong about that Aman.

It was shit.

Yeah, isn't it great?

- Oh, beautiful. - 1935 it was built.

Paul Williams was the architect.

- Oh, of course. Yes. - Yeah.

Here, the bathroom's right in here.

Ah, thank you.

And while I have you...

That night...

never happened.

Yeah, no kidding.

I'm not stupid.

Does anyone know?

No.

Good.

Let's make sure it stays that way.

Then I should probably use the porta-potty.

God.

Ugh.

I mean, this is quite the staircase.

Absolutely.

You're making an entrance

whether you like it or not with this thing, my God.

- What are you doing here? - Deborah, there you are, love.

Have you met Nikki...

Lipka, Bob's wife?

- Hi. - Hello.

Oh, it's just lovely to meet you.

- Oh, same. I'm such a fan. - Oh.

I told Bob this is the best decision he's made

since marrying me.

That's hilarious.

But he didn't mention you two had met.

Oh, I told her you and Bob

bumped into each other at the golf tournament.

Y-yes, we've met, briefly.

I was just telling Nikki

about how you made me head writer.

If there's one thing Deborah and I agree on,

it's giving women exactly what they deserve.

- Oh. - Absolutely.

Speaking of which, can I talk to you for a sec?

This was just a pleasure.

Beautiful... hedges.

Thanks.

- What the hell was that? - Oh, what?

You can dish it, but you can't take it?

You know, I know you've been at this for 50 years,

but guess what.

That means you're tired, and I'm just getting warmed up.

Go home.

You look like shit, and you smell like piss.

Stop trying to get me fired. It's over. I won.

You think I'm fucking kidding?

I already have this email drafted to Meena Elahi,

my friend at "The New Yorker."

You get me fired, I send it.

So say it. Say I won.

You're being ridiculous.

Okay, I'll send it right now.

No! No, no!

Are you... are you crazy?

You seem upset.

You want one more chance?

I unsent it.

You can't unsend an email.

You can't. You still use Hotmail.

Say that I won, or I'll send it for real.

Say it.

O-okay, okay, you won.

- What? - You won!

- What? - You won, you won!

Hey, girls. Hey, how are you? Smile.

People are starting to stare, so smile, God damn it.

Laugh, laugh.

Oh, Deborah.

Ah, now, both of you listen to me.

This is how this is gonna go.

You're gonna stay out of each other's way.

You're gonna keep your hands to yourself.

You're gonna keep your panties to yourself, all right?

I will be the intermediary,

even though I said I'd never do that again

after my parents' divorce because it almost destroyed me.

But I'm gonna do it for you.

And the show is gonna be a big success.

So do me a favor...

stay the fuck away from each other.

Got it?

- Yes. - Fine.

Okay, we figured it out. Tell them.

This is the story we've been looking for...

what's happening between you two.

It's all about your creative collaboration.

That is the story people will love.

It's perfect. It hits young and old.

It's female without being too female.

- It'll play. - I don't know.

You said yourself, she lifts you up.

- Did I say that? - Deborah, here's the thing.

You saying "I'm not a woman" earlier today,

people aren't loving that.

We're getting some pushback

on you refuting your womanhood.

- Oh, Christ. - But you love women.

You hired one to be your head writer.

It's the perfect repudiation.

And kudos to Cece,

who already got "The Times Magazine"

to agree to put you both on the cover.

- What? - Sexy, come here.

Let's get a shot of Deborah and Ava, our cover girls.

Smile.

That's my good side.

- That's my good side, too. - You don't have a good side.

At least I still have collagen.

I'm loving this movement.

Let's try the other lens.

And stay on your marks, please.

Let's switch up the music.

You know, the other night...

you were right.

You won.

And you broke my heart.

You broke mine first.

You know, I...

I hope this show is very successful

and it goes for...

many, many years.

But the second it's done...

I'll never speak to you again.

Good.

Okay, now I want you very close together.

Cheeks touching.

Yes.

And smile.