Original subtitles

Honey--honey, I can't take little billy

To the movies tonight.

I'll be home late.

I got an emergency call From a woman

Who said her family is In emotional distress.

Doctor, Your 5:00 is here.

Send them right in.

They're here.

Don't worry.

Billy's threatened To run away a dozen times.

Oh. Hi. I'm dr. Miller.

Hi. I'm Harriette winslow.

This is my daughter laura,

My son eddie, And my husband carl.

Hi, doc.

[doctor coughs]

Well...

Uh...

Gee, why don't we all,

You know, sit down?

Heh.

Ah.

So, uh, what seems To be the problem?

There's been a lot Of tension and hostility In our family lately,

And I felt It was not healthy

To keep it all Bottled up.

That's true.

And I was told

That you're the top Family counselor in chicago.

That's even more true.

Ha ha ha ha.

But seriously, though,

Family tensions Are quite normal.

For instance, It's not uncommon

For teenage Brothers and sisters

To exhibit hostility Towards one another.

Oh, that's not it.

Balloon-head and I Get along just fine.

Marital problems?

Oh, no, no. No problem there.

Oh. Well, then,

What is the problem?

It's our neighbor.

Steve urkel.

Hidey-ho!

Did I do that?

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these Gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Steve, what are you Doing here?

Carl, I asked him To come.

What were you Thinking?

Steve, I want you To leave right now.

Uh--uh, no. Perhaps If this young man

Is the source Of your family's tension--

And I can see How that could happen...

Maybe he should stay.

Doc, I don't think You understand The problem here.

Source of tension? Little old me?

I'm the hippy dippy Happy fun guy.

Well, no offense, steve,

But carl, eddie, And laura

Feel that you've, uh...

You've been Driving us crazy.

Well...

Why didn't you Say something?

I have...

Every day

For the last

Six years.

You mean You were serious?

You know--

Carl, carl, carl!

Just take--uh--uh--

Perhaps it's best If you each expressed Your feelings.

I learned that In psychiatry school.

Okay, uh, Who would like To go first?

Um--uh, eddie.

It's hard to know Where to start,

I mean, since steve Has been irritating me

For so many years now.

Like for instance, Last week, I don't know why,

But I let steve Talk me into going On a double date

With him And his girlfriend.

Yuck. What a terrible Restaurant.

Horrid. "Chuck's cluck For a buck."

Yeech.

They should have Had a sign In their window

That said, "Sorry, we're open."

Hee hee hee hee!

[snort snort]

I love that snort.

[giggles]

I love that giggle.

[snort] [giggle]

[snort] [giggle]

[snort] [giggle]

[sigh] [sigh]

I think I'll make us Some coffee.

Maybe it will kill That icky-yicky taste Out of our mouths.

Boy, we're in for A real gourmet Treat, sue.

Myra makes A mighty mean Mug o' mud.

Great.

Not at all Like tiffany.

[cough]

Tiffany? Who's tiffany?

Yeah. Who's tiffany?

I don't know anybody Named tiffany.

Well, sure you do, eddo.

She's the bombshell You went out with A couple of nights ago.

Eddie, you told me You weren't dating Anyone else.

I'm not, baby.

Heh heh heh.

Steve made A mistake,

Didn't you, Steve?

I don't think so.

Why, there's no mistaking A girl like tiffany.

Long legs.

Soft hair.

Pouty lips.

Tiffany, huh?

I swear I don't know Who he's talking about.

Oh, how could you Forget?

You spent a fortune On her

At that expensive French restaurant.

And that's why He took me

To some cheap Chicken joint?

Mmm...

Eddie winslow, We're through!

But--but, baby, baby, Baby, baby, baby, Listen, now.

There's an explanation For all of this, sugar.

Oh, there sure is-- That you're a lying, Two-timing snake!

Steve urkel Is ruining my life.

Now--now, just wait A minute.

Can I interject A comment here?

No! No! No!

Please, let steve share With the group.

The winslows really like me.

-they're just in denial.

- you must be kidding. - denial?

[all talking at once]

Please.

Doc, have you noticed My twitch?

I would imagine Being a police officer Causes a lot of stress.

Oh, no.

Dealing with Muggers and killers Is easy for me.

The twitch Comes from steve.

Oh, pu-lease!

You're not going To try and hang

Your silly little Twitch on me, Now, are you?

You don't remember The other day?

Spring cleaning?

Oh, that.

Doc...

That was the straw

That broke This winslow's back.

We were cleaning the house From top to bottom.

Cock-a-doodle do.

I've got Some good news For you.

What, you're not Staying long?

Nope-a-rooney. I just finished My latest invention.

The urkel super vac.

Oh, great. See you.

This baby bodes well For your Spring cleaning.

It's a vacuum Of indescribable Sucking power.

This baby could Suck the spots Off a leopard.

We'll wait here While you go find one.

It's so strong I used it To vacuum the grass clippings

In my backyard.

Oh, yeah, right!

Steve, steve!

Steve, we just cleaned That floor!

Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut-tut.

[vacuum cleaner starts]

That's amazing!

Oh, yes. Yes.

Go ahead.

Knock yourself out.

Ooh.

Turn it on.

Ah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Ahh! Ahh!

[screaming]

[indistinct chattering]

Look what you did.

Okay, let me see If I have this straight.

Steve ruined eddie's date,

And he messed up Your kitchen.

That's right.

Doc, trust me.

You haven't heard Anything yet.

Steve urkel has made my life A living nightmare.

Well, better Get going, kids.

Don't want To miss the big dance.

Have a good time.

Hi, laura.

These are for you.

Wow!

Are you wearing a bra?

Steve, what did you Just order us?

Frog legs.

Are you okay?

Watch it!

[indistinct chattering]

I hope their food is better Than their service.

Here, just a little...

Okay.

Okay.

Oh.

Oops. Let me Brush that off.

With this box Of petit fours,

Also comes the heart That soars.

My love for thee Shall find a nest

With cupid's arrow In thy breast.

* there's a feeling *

[cats wailing]

* oh, feelings *

* ohh-- **

Oh. Whoa. Ohh!

Aah!

[thud]

Every fiber Of my very being

Belongs to the lovely Laura winslow.

I'm hers.

My heart,

My soul,

Everything I am Or ever will be

Belongs to her.

I'm comin' home To ya, baby.

Your urk-man Is comin' home.

I've heard of emotional Fixations before,

But this goes far beyond Anything I've heard of.

I'm finally beginning To grasp

The seriousness Of these events.

Serious? You want To talk serious?

Over the years,

Steve urkel Has almost killed me,

Not just once, But on several occasions.

Steve?

A boxer's most important Punch is the jab.

It's a quick straight blow To your opponent's face.

Now, let's see your jab.

How's that?

This idiotic contraption Really works.

Oh, you're too kind, Too kind.

Let's see what else We've got.

Ooh!

Hey!

Whuh-oh.

Hang on to Your boxers, carl. We're off!

Steve, wait. Don't do any--

Aah! Steve, wait! Steve!

These wires will connect To this cord,

And this cord Is not plugged in.

Sloppy, sloppy, Sloppy.

[carl] And when he wasn't Trying to kill me,

He was destroying My house.

No, no, no, no.

That shelf is stuffed To capacity.

It won't hold Any more weight.

Carl, That's a beach ball,

A few ounces.

A moment ago, You were hanging From that shelf.

A weight that Boggles the mind.

Alright.

We'll put the beach ball Up on the shelf

And then we'll leave, Okay?

Hey, it's su casa.

Okay.

[creaking]

2...

3!

Oh!

And those are just Some of the things

That steve urkel has done to us.

Why, I tell you, if I could Get the publishing rights

To these stories, I'd be a millionaire.

Of course, I'm here to help you.

Young man, Are these stories true?

I'm afraid so.

Boy...

When you think about it,

I can't believe You've put up with me For all these years.

I love you winslows,

And if I've caused you Any pain,

I'm truly, truly sorry.

Oh, now, wait, wait, Wait a second, steve.

See, this is what I was afraid of.

Not one of you Has mentioned The nice things

That steve Has done for us.

Name two.

I can name more Than two, carl.

You seem to have A short memory,

A very short memory.

Steve has done a lot Of nice things for us.

Not only have You harassed And insulted me,

But you have sullied The reputation Of my lady love.

Who are you taking to The homecoming dance?

I haven't asked Anyone yet.

Well, how do you feel About laura winslow?

How do I feel?

She's the prettiest girl In the school.

I'd love to take her.

I heard she's turned down Every guy who's asked.

If you ask her, She won't turn you down.

I'll ask her today.

Excellent.

Wait a minute.

Urkel, why are you Doing this?

Everybody knows You're crazy about laura.

Ironic, isn't it?

But laura wants To go with you,

And all I care about Is her happiness.

Wow!

You're like some kind Of nerd saint.

I can't pull myself up!

Come on.

We have to make A human chain! I'll go first.

No! I'm the lightest. Let me.

Hold onto the rope, Slide out to him.

Stay back, guys! Stay back!

Hurry!

Faster, steve! Hurry up!

I--I got him!

I got him! Pull!

Pull him up!

Are you okay?

Merry christmas, laura.

Emily!

Steve, how did you Ever find her?

Well, I went down To the dump, And I lucked out.

It only took me 16 hours.

Steve, you did that For me?

Of course.

I love you.

The ambulance Is on its way.

How's he doing?

Check for a pulse.

Nothing, steve. He's still Not breathing!

Carl, please. Come back to us, okay?

Please, dad!

[coughing]

Oh, we got him.

Dad!

If it wasn't For steve urkel,

My husband Would not be alive today.

Well, she's right, doc.

And those good points Are worth looking for.

Once you found them,

We can all begin To forgive.

Did you hear that, Winslows?

I heard the word "Forgive."

And nothing gets The healing process Started faster

Than a nice warm hug.

Come on, winslows. Let's hug this big guy.

Come on, get in there. Come on, laura.

Come on, hug him. Ha ha ha.

- oh, yeah. - okay.

Ahh...

Doc,

You are an excellent Psychiatrist.

One session And my twitch is gone.

By the way, Here's your bill.

Oh. Ha ha ha.

Oh, doc, by the way--

Never mind.

Hidey-ho, winslows.

Oh, steve, get that thing Out of here.

Now don't get your Knickers in a twist.

I fixed the kinks In this baby,

And I've quadrupled The sucking power.

No, don't-- Wait.

Tut-tut-tut- tut-tut-tut.

Witness the new And improved

Urkel super vac.

What?

Hey! Steve--

Steve! Steve!

Ohh! Aah!

Hey! Get us out Of here!

[shouting]

Uh-oh.

It needs work.

Steve!