Original subtitles

Ah! Look, I found Some more pictures In the closet.

Carl must have Been looking at them.

He left a twinkie In the box.

Oh, look, here's A picture of laura At the hospital...

Just after She was born.

What's that On the floor?

That's carl. He passed out.

Oh! Oh, here's Laura at 9 months.

Ohh! That is so sweet.

Where does the time go?

Oh, look,

Carl at his 5th Birthday party,

Holding his very First $1.00 bill.

Yeah, and He still has it.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Hi-dee-ho, Winslow-ettes!

Richie told me You boss chicks were Eyeballing photos.

Yes. We've been Meaning to update Our family album

For years.

Well, since I'm practically family

And a righteous Next-door neighbor,

I brought you this.

It's one of My baby pictures.

[gasps] [gasps]

It's, uh... It's nice, steve.

Yeah.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Boy, of all My first dates, He was the worst.

A loser with A capital "Ooser."

At dinner, I saw jarron Pocketing sweet 'n' lows.

Tres gauche.

Laura, you Deserve better.

Thanks. That's Very nice of you.

Are you Feeling okay?

Of course. Now That steven and I

Have declared Our eternal love For each other,

The new me is able to put Our differences aside.

Well, actually, Lambykins,

We just agreed To go steady.

Oh, go steady, Eternal love...

No diff.

I need to Powder my nose.

Can I use your Porcelain palace?

Oh, sure.

You know, There was a time

When I would never leave You alone with steven.

I'd let my bladder Swell to the size Of a watermelon.

So this is a relief, In more ways than one.

Back in a jiff.

How's things going Between you two?

We're getting along Like hornpipes And clog dancing.

In fact,

She has a birthday Coming up.

I could use your advice On how to make it special.

Well, yeah. Special?

Should I take her to The origami convention In wiskogee,

Or the museum of Natural history's

"Proud to be A primate" festival?

Tough choice.

What about An old-fashioned Surprise party?

They're always fun.

Hey, that's a great idea.

Why, I could get balloons And music and eats.

I can get a gigantic cake

I can jump out of To surprise her.

Can we have the party Right here?

Well, what's wrong With having the party At your house?

No can do. The last time I had a party there,

My parents invoked A noise clause In my lease

And nearly Had me evicted.

I'll ask my parents If we can have The party here.

Oh, goody. It's all set.

What were you Two chatty cathys

Talking about While I was away?

Fashion. Weather.

Oh, fashion. Oh, weather.

Uh...

Um, well, Actually, we were Talking about how--

Weather--

Affects--

Fashion.

[moe] Get up here.

[bonk] Come on.

You're in a court, Not clancy's Pool room.

Sit down.

I'm a victim Of circumstance.

Who you hitting?

Nyuk nyuk nyuk--ohh!

[slap]

Mmm! Be quiet.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha.

Hey, come on. Come on.

You're just in time To watch the three stooges.

Woo woo woo woo!

Woo woo woo woo!

Harriette, You're not laughing.

It's not funny.

I don't see What's so amusing

About poking Somebody in the eye

And then smacking them Upside the head With a pipe wrench.

Well, excuse me, Miss no-sense-of-humor.

Ow!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

You're right. It is funny.

Hi.

Hi, rich.

Hi, sweetie.

Is now A good time, Aunt harriette?

Yeah. Your uncle carl Is in a good mood.

He's watching people Hurt each other.

What's going on?

Every week, my class Takes a field trip

To visit where a Family member works.

Oh, that's nice.

I was thinking,

Can I bring My class down to The police station?

I want them To see you in action.

Really?

You hear that, Harriette?

He wants to see me In action.

Nyuk nyuk nyuk Nyuk nyuk.

Richie, I would be honored.

Thanks, uncle carl. The kids will love it.

You have The most awesome job In the whole world.

Well...

Police work is Pretty exciting, rich.

Heh heh heh.

I don't blame you For bragging about me.

I guess I would, too, If I were related to me.

I'm calling little g And telling him The good news.

O.K. Hey, don't You want to watch The three stooges?

Nah, too juvenile.

Woo woo woo woo woo!

Let's see.

I took care Of the invitations And decorations,

I've started building A gigantic cake I'll jump out of...

And for music,

I was lucky enough To get florence spivak.

Who's that?

Only the world's Greatest accordionist.

She's blessed With an extra finger.

Some people have all the luck.

Knock, knock!

Myra, w-what Brings you here, Turtle knees?

My little Turtle tootsies,

Your mom said You were here.

Oh, well, Here I be.

Then I Wondered to myself,

"Self, what could Steven possibly be Doing at laura's?"

Oh, um, algebra.

Uh-huh, yes, steve was Tutoring me in algebra.

Oh. Then where are Your algebra books?

Ah, books.

She's asking About our books.

Oh, uh, We don't need them.

Don't need them.

Uh-huh, yeah, uh, Steve is, um...

Doing algebraic Word problems.

Word problems.

Yeah. He's making them up As we go along.

Making them up.

Alphonso Is headed home,

360 miles away.

He drives for 65 miles per hour...

For three hours.

Then He slows down to 55 miles per hour.

How long does He have to drive At that speed?

Oh...

Three hours.

Stevie, I get the Feeling you're hiding Something from me.

Nonsense, my Little worrywart.

Trust me. There's nothing To be suspicious of.

Oh, so you say.

But trust me,

If I find you're Messing with my Honey bunny buns,

Things Will get sticky.

Come along, steven.

Myra, I think you were Terribly rude to laura.

"Rude to laura. Rude to laura."

You sound like A broken record.

What are you Talking about?

And that was Our fax machine.

Ha ha. That's right.

We can fax A wanted poster

To anywhere In the country.

You told us That already.

I did?

Yeah, three times.

And it was Very interesting, Wasn't it, children?

Yes, Mrs. Melville. Yes, Mrs. Melville.

Uncle carl,

Tell everyone What happens at The booking desk.

Well, when someone Gets arrested,

We take their picture And their fingerprints,

Then we clean them up,

Put them In a uniform,

And we keep them In a little room.

In other words,

When you Collar a perp,

You take Their prints And mug shots,

Strip and Delouse them,

And shove them In stir.

Right.

You've been watching Nypd blue, haven't you?

No, my uncle's Done time.

Can you take us out To catch some bad guys?

Now, now, now. No, no.

That's a little Too dangerous.

[sighing]

No, kids. You see, I'm a lieutenant now,

And this Is where I work.

That's right, helping To keep our city safe.

So you don't go out And arrest people?

Well, I used to.

Well, maybe You still could,

If you'd cut back On the doughnuts.

I have.

Now, tori,

It's not Lieutenant winslow's Fault his job is boring.

Uh...

I didn't mean boring.

I meant less hectic Than others.

My dad's job Is more exciting,

And he's An insurance adjuster.

I'll tell you what.

I'll get some blank Arrest warrants,

And we can all Fill them out together.

Uhh... Uhh... Uhh...

And that'll be fun.

Give it up, Richie.

You've been Bragging about Your uncle the cop,

And he's nothing But a desk jockey.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

That'll do her.

You going to stay For the party?

Get serious. I am A college man now.

I don't do high school Parties anymore.

There'll be Desperate girls here.

Party!

I still Don't understand.

If this is A surprise party,

How come I know about it?

Because the party Is not for you, Wally pop,

It's for myra.

This isn't a good plan.

When she Sees the decorations, She's going to know.

Oh, wow, a cake.

Isn't she a beaut? I made her myself.

I guess you can say I really take the cake.

Hee hee hee. [snort]

[imitates tarzan yell]

Ahh!

What's with the costume?

Myra calls me Her tarzan.

I call her my jane.

I call it sick.

Would you Do the honors?

My hat, please.

Uhh! Uhh!

Careful, careful.

I've got a lot On my mind.

Hee hee hee. [snort]

Okay, let her rip.

Surprise!

Ah, that's great.

Oh, thanks. This is One of my inventions That actually works.

Get me out of here!

Stop pushing The button!

I'm not. It's Out of control.

Get me out of here!

Give me the hat.

Whoo!

Ooh, my fur's going To catch on fire.

Oh, okay.

Aha!

Just as I suspected.

Snookums, what are You doing here?

I wasn't supposed To pick you up For another hour.

Looks like I got here In time for dessert.

Myra, I can explain.

Your kind always can.

But, beetle butt, You don't understand.

Oh, poor steven, You don't Understand.

Once again, You've been Blindsided

By this Heinous hussy.

Huss! Huss!

Now, you don't mean that. Take that back.

She's been trying To hook you for years,

But she doesn't have The proper bait.

Sure, when I'm around, She's prim and proper,

But the second My back is turned,

It's boom-ba-ba-boom, Baby.

I trusted you, laura, And you betrayed me.

Myra!

Let go of me!

You're nothing But a lying, Man-stealing tart.

I never want to see Your back-stabbing Face again.

No, she isn't.

Surprise. Surprise. Surprise.

Oops.

Boy, to see the look On your face,

Our hard work Paid off.

Myra, don't you Have something To say to laura?

Uh, I love That outfit.

Did you Lose weight?

Myra!

Laura, I'm so, so sorry.

It's just that

When I saw You and steve in That cake together,

It was like you Shish-kebobbed My heart.

Myra, I just hope This proves Once and for all

That I have no Romantic interest In steve whatsoever.

I know.

I messed up Everything.

I ruined The surprise,

I embarrassed you,

I humiliated laura,

All because I'm a jealous jenny.

Well, but--

It's obvious I'm Not worthy of wearing Your science club pin.

Oh, sure, you are. You can keep it.

Okay.

Whoo!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Go, steve!

Go, steve!

Go, steve!

Go, steve!

Go, steve!

Whoo! Go, daddy, go!

Whoo!

Hey, guys, Guess what.

Uncle carl's A hero.

Oh.

What happened, dad?

Oh, it's no big deal.

What's going on?

Uncle carl's A hero.

My class was at The police station For our field trip,

And we weren't exactly Having much fun.

And finally-- Ha ha--

This blue form is-- Ha ha--

Used to order more Of these yellow forms.

These yellow forms Are our main weapon

In our war Against crime.

Ha ha ha. Any questions?

- I have one. - oh, great. What is it?

Can we go home now?

Yeah. Yeah.

- come on. - children, please.

Lieutenant winslow Has been a very Gracious host.

Now, what do we say?

Thanks, Lieutenant winslow. Thanks, Lieutenant winslow.

Hey, pappas,

Cover for me.

Robinson here Was arrested on A pickpocket charge.

Aah!

Back off or This guy gets it!

Come on, move! Move!

What part of "Back off" Didn't you understand?

Son, think about What you're doing here.

Hey, I know What I'm doing.

Do you?

Right now, you're Just a petty thief,

A guy who stole Somebody's money.

But if you Kill this man,

You'll Be a murderer,

Someone who Stole a man's life.

Now, I don't think You're ready to Make that leap.

Come on, Give me the gun.

Please, son,

Give me the gun.

You did The right thing, son.

Thanks, lieutenant.

I guess I really screwed up.

You made a mistake.

We'll talk about this Tomorrow.

Yes, sir.

Hey, richie, Your uncle's Really cool.

Uncle carl, You were great.

Thanks, richie.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Carl, you really Are a hero.

Oh, harriette, I was just doing my job.

You really do have The most exciting job In the world.

Richie, things like that Don't happen every day.

You were lucky They didn't waste you, Big guy.

That would have Put a real damper On the party.

Hey, now we've got Two things to celebrate,

And I know Just how to do it.

[polka music plays]

Okay, let's polka, Everybody!

Take it easy.

Thanks.

Hey, this was great.

Let's do it again Tomorrow night.

Waldo, this was A surprise party.

Some surprise. You Just told me about it.

Do you mind? This is a private cake.