Original subtitles

Gangway!

Gangway!

I'll, uh, just Pick those up later.

- are you ready to go, steve? - yep.

Bring forth The academic Onslaught.

Okay.

Okay, we're going to start out

With the periodic Table of elements.

Ooh, my fave.

Shoot. Okay.

"What's the atomic weight Of scandium?"

44.956.

"Titanium?"

47.89.

Um, close. It's .88.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Oh! How could I Not know that?

Oh, gee, do you think you can Lose brain cells

From eating Too much cheese?

Take it easy. You're A straight "A" student.

You're the smartest kid In school.

Oh, big deal! This country's lousy With geniuses.

I have to be The smartest Of the smartest.

You can't get into An omelet like m.I.T.

Without breaking A few eggheads.

Steve, I've never Seen you like this.

I've wanted to go To m.I.T. Ever since I was in diapers.

Why, my first word Was massachusetts.

Then Let's get to work.

Alright. You line 'em up,

And I'll Knock 'em down.

Alright.

All right.

"What's the maximum voltage

Of an electric Amazonian eel?"

650 volts.

Come on. Challenge me.

Okay.

"Who discovered hypergenetic Parabolic transmutations?"

Ethel von elaniak, At age 42.

She had three sons, michael jr., Skippy and robert.

Uh, steve--

Michael, jr. Was a ladies' man, And skippy liked veal.

Robert Wore checkered pants.

Skippy played golf Into the wee hours...

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

- what're you watching, carl? - oh! Oh!

[nervous laugh]

Nothing. Uh, just the weather.

Really?

They report the weather In bikinis now?

[doorbell rings]

I'll get that. Ahem.

Can't even watch A simple bikini contest.

Hello, carl.

Well...

Pastor fuller.

What a surprise It is to see you.

Don't worry. I don't want money.

Oh, come in. Come in. Come in.

Harriette.

Hi. How are you? Have a seat.

How are things Down at the church?

Oh, very exciting.

As you know one of my Responsibilities

Is to counsel young who are Planning to be married.

We're matching them up With couples

That have been married For many years

To give them a sense Of the give and take Of marriage.

That's a great idea.

Thanks.

I thought of it.

So, would you two Be interested?

It'd only be One afternoon.

Sure. How much Does it pay?

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

We'd love to do it.

[sniffs]

Wow!

You smell good!

Is that A new perfume?

Why, yes.

It's called...

Sudden urge.

Well...

It's definitely Given me A sudden urge.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

I'm serious, Harriette.

You smell like A million bucks.

It didn't cost A million bucks, Did it?

Relax, carl.

It's expensive, But it didn't Cost you a cent.

It was a birthday gift.

Birthday gift. Ha ha.

Who's The big spender?

Lance, Down at ferguson's.

Wasn't that nice?

Lance?

Lance?

Yeah. He works in bedding.

I just bet he does.

Stop it, carl.

He's just a friend.

A friend.

Do you like This lance a little Or lance a lot?

A little.

Oh, great.

My wife Is being romanced

By a perfume-giving,

Home-wrecking, Wife-stealing weasel.

I want you to take it back

And tell lance to keep His sudden urge.

Don't be ridiculous. We'll talk About this later.

We'll talk about it Later, alright.

We'll talk about how I'm going to that store

And tell some things To that retail gigolo... Lance.

- hello. - mr. Winslow?

You must be larry And marilyn.

Yes, I'm larry,

And this is marilyn.

I pieced that together.

Please, come in. Sit down.

Thanks.

- hi. - hi.

Pastor fuller said You could warn us

About some of the pitfalls Of marriage.

Well, yes, we can.

After all, we've Been married 22 years.

Harriette, what is That lovely perfume?

Well, it's called...

Sudden urge.

Oh.

Hmm. Yeah. Ha ha.

A friend Gave it to her.

Steve, why did you Call me over here?

Because I need your help.

I'm meeting The m.I.T. Recruiter In two hours,

And I've come up with A foolproof way To ace it.

How?

With my celebrity Hair collection.

Oh, lord. What are you up to now?

[alarm sounds]

[urkel] Step away from the safe!

I repeat-- Step away from the safe!

Step away from the safe!

I'm going To comb through My hair collection.

Hee hee hee hee!

[snort]

And I'm going To take the hair Of albert einstein.

Then I'll use my Gene-splitting skills

And extract a strand Of dna.

Then I'll unlock The genetic code

That made einstein A genius.

Then I'll whip up An albert elixir

And become The smartest dude On earth.

Hello.

You're already one Of the smartest kids On earth.

Just be yourself.

I've got one shot At m.I.T.,

And I'm Not blowing it.

And after I'm in,

I'll have The rest of my life To be myself.

Are you o.K.?

Oh. I'm fine. Fine. But...

Let's see, it's got--

I mixed up my hairs.

It's got to be One of these two.

But I don't know If this one's einstein...

Or elvis.

Well, let's see.

It's this one. No, it's this one.

It's definitely this one.

Okay.

Perfect.

Perfect.

The molecules are merging,

The dna patterns Are interfacing,

And the atomic structure Is changing!

Ah ha ha ha!

Uh, steve, Why don't you

Put a pool table In this basement Like most people?

Stop joking around.

Now it's time To shake and bake My molecules.

Uh, steve-- Shh!

Not while I'm pouring.

Laura, would you Do the honors?

[hissing]

[bells and sirens ringing]

[humming]

[guitar strums]

You okay.?

[einstein's voice] I'm trying to reconcile

The four forces of physics Into a unified theory.

But right now, I could go for a cracker.

Steve, This is incredible!

You look exactly like Albert einstein!

The experiment Was a success.

[elvis' voice] * uh huh-huh **

Uh-oh.

You didn't use Einstein's hair. You used elvis'.

[elvis' voice] It sure is nice

To be back In my favorite city...

Chicago.

[I'm all shook up plays]

Oh, my god! You're Turning into elvis!

I must have mixed up The follicles.

We have to do something. This stuff works fast.

[elvis' voice] I love my mama.

Why didn't you Instantly become elvis?

Because the elixir Was einstein's,

But the hair Was elvis'.

Eventually, elvis' dna Will completely Take over.

What are you doing?

Mixing a batch Of albert elixir

While I can still Think like steve.

Hit The reset button.

Which one is it?

The one marked "Reset."

[humming and whirring]

Oh, no!

Steve, What happened?

I burned out A current induction chip!

What are you going To do?

[elvis' voice] I don't know, baby.

Oh, my god!

The king Is taking over!

I have to pick up A new chip at The electronics emporium.

Stay here and stall The recruiter.

Do anything, But don't let him leave.

Don't worry. I'll stall him.

Oh, thanks.

[elvis' voice] You must love me tender.

* uh huh-huh *

* uh huh-huh *

* hey *

* yeah **

[urkel] Get ahold of yourself, man!

Elvis has, uh, Left the building.

Do you know where I can get some Of your perfume?

That's easy.

Just strike up A friendship With lance.

Carl...

I don't know why this Bothers you so much.

He's just a coworker.

It would bother me, Too,

If some guy gave My wife perfume.

Honey,

What if it was just A harmless gift?

I wouldn't let you Accept a gift Like that, pumpkin.

What do you mean, You wouldn't let me?

There's no way I'm Letting my future wife

Accept gifts From some guy

Who's got the hots For her.

But what if he's Just a friend?

Ow!

You don't need friends! You got me!

You're going to tell me What friends I can have?

You're The control freak.

[everyone arguing]

Mr. Urkel is now 20 minutes late.

I have a lot of students To see today.

Steve will be here Any second.

Steve and m.I.T. Were Made for each other.

I'm afraid I'll have to Note his tardiness.

I am noting.

[elvis' show music plays]

[music stops]

Mr. Fleming...

This is steve.

[elvis' voice] Call me the king.

All my friends do.

Oh, that's a nickname. Uh...

He's not only smart,

He's a fun guy.

Well, uh, steve,

I'm herb fleming From m.I.T.,

Where we don't have A lot of fun guys.

M.I.T., huh?

I don't know That label.

M.I.T. Is a university, Not a record company.

Are you okay, Mr. Urkel?

What'd you call me?

Um...

That's a nickname You came up with

So that your fans Wouldn't hound you.

Oh. Sorry I got mad.

I guess I was all... Shook up.

Why are you wearing This silly outfit?

Hey, man, Don't be cruel.

I'll have to note Your bizarre behavior.

I'm noting.

You seem a little upset.

Want a cadillac?

Are you trying To bribe me?

Not a caddy man, huh?

How about a watch?

Oh!

Excuse us.

Steve, Snap out of it.

This is Mr. Fleming Of m.I.T.

I know, priscilla, baby. I can see him.

Say, Where's lisa marie?

You don't want to know.

Look...You're blowing The whole interview.

Oh, interview.

Uh--uh--

You'll have to arrange that With the colonel.

Mr. Fleming,

There's a clear explanation For all of this.

Psychosis?

No.

Steve was worried About this interview With you,

So he decided to change His dna pattern To albert einstein's,

But he used elvis' hairs Instead of einstein's

And transformed himself Into the king.

Does this sound as crazy As I think it does?

Oh, yeah.

Mr. Urkel, or...

Whoever you are,

You are definitely not M.I.T. Material.

I'd like to change The mood for a moment.

Sometimes in life...

We get down on ourselves,

And we can't find a way Out of our troubles.

And that's when we Check into...

[boom box Plays guitar strum]

The heartbreak hotel.

* since my baby left me *

* I found a new place To dwell *

* down at the end Of lonely street *

* at heartbreak hotel *

* ohh *

* I get so lonely, baby *

* I get so lonely *

* I get so lonely, I could die... *

Maybe he could go To stanford.

* although It's always crowded *

* you still can find Some room *

* where broken-hearted Lovers *

* cry away their gloom, Oh *

* I get so lonely *

* I get so lonely *

* I get so lonely, I could die **

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I love each and every one Of you.

I don't think we're Ready to get married.

There are some things We didn't know About one another.

I feel exactly The same way.

Good.

Harriette, can you give me A ride home, please?

Wait a minute, please.

Just wait a minute.

I might have Given you guys The wrong impression.

Au contraire, Mr. Winslow--

If I may Call you that.

I think you really Opened up our eyes.

Marriage is Never perfect.

You got to work at it.

[carl] There's always something To stir the pot.

Money, in-laws...

Or, in my case, jealousy.

But when you're married To a beautiful woman Like harriette,

You're always afraid

Somebody's going to take Her away from you.

Oh, carl, That was so sweet.

[chuckles]

I'm sorry, Sweetheart.

I don't know What got into me.

You have never Given me a reason To mistrust you.

And I never will.

I love you.

I love you, too.

That was really sweet.

Yeah.

That's the kind of marriage I wanted to have.

Maybe we still can.

Will you still Marry me?

Yes. I love you, larry.

I love you, marilyn.

I'm sorry.

Well, That went smoothly.

You all set, elvis?

* uh huh-huh **

Myra. Thanks for Fixing the chamber.

My pleasure.

Lucky I'm A well-rounded gal.

I can decipher A genetic code,

Install A computer chip,

And do A mean rumba.

[humming and whirring]

[humming stops]

I added A turbocharger.

[giggles]

Welcome back, Stevie.

Wh-what happened?

Where's the recruiter?

He's gone.

How did I do?

The bad news is, You didn't get Into m.I.T.

Oh! Oh!

But the good news Is,

Caesar's palace Wants to book you For a month.