Original subtitles

[vacuum cleaner hums]

Hi-dee-ho, Big guy.

Aah! Huh?

Steve!

How ye be, b.G.?

I be busy.

You be going.

No. Wait.

Don't you want to know What this is

And why I'm wearing a kilt?

No.

Oh, sure, you do.

Why, I hold in my hands

The revolutionary Urkel mcbagpipes.

Steve...

Uh, don't bug me.

Plug me.

I tell you.

I don't even know Why I bother.

Comes over here every day.

I just keep on doing What I'm doing.

Get ready to mcboogy.

[bagpipe music plays]

[music stops]

A-hoots, man.

We're mcgettin' down, Me laddie.

Well, it really works.

You look ridiculous,

But it really works.

Here, carl.

Take her For a spin.

- well, I-- - come on.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

- alright. - alright.

Okay.

There.

Just like that.

[bagpipe music plays]

[bagpipes running down]

Look what you did.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

[humming]

What are you doing?

Measuring.

I think it's time To redecorate this room.

I'm tired of this stuff. We need new furniture.

Wait a minute. What's wrong With this stuff?

I like it. It's old and comfortable, Just like us.

Speak for yourself, Grandpa.

Harriette, You know what I mean.

We bought this stuff When we got married.

We married each other, Not the couch.

But it has a certain Sentimental value to it.

Yeah.

Every time I walk past it,

I see your butt imprint.

Hey, mrs. Winslow.

Thanks for letting us Do our laundry.

Mm-hmm.

Why didn't you warn me

That when you put Sweaters in the dryer,

They come out like this?

Consider yourself warned.

Well, That's just great.

What am I supposed To do with this?

I'll give it To my doggy.

He's not going To your college,

But we don't have To tell anybody.

Edward, I'd like to ask Your opinion

About something.

Do you think

That we need New furniture?

Most definitely.

Why?

Because this stuff Will look great In our apartment.

You're excused.

Oh.

[door closes]

Carl, why are you Being so stubborn About this?

Because, harriette,

It's going To cost a fortune.

No it is not. I worked out a budget,

And it's only Going to cost us...

$3,000.

[gasps]

$3,000?

American?

Oh, carl, Open up your wallet

And let some Fresh air in.

Not until You cut your budget

Way down.

I already Cut my budget

"Way down."

Harriette, There is no way

That I am paying $3,000

To redecorate this house.

Not the house. Just this room.

Harriette, You're trying to kill me.

But we'll Discuss this later.

Oh.

We'll discuss This later.

That's husband talk for "You can forget it."

That's right, harriette.

Just like, "Let's go out for A romantic dinner"

Is wife talk for "I'm too tired to cook."

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Well.

Hey there, Fellow muskrats.

What's shaking?

Oh, you care for Some dental floss?

I have three Different flavors--

Mint, cinnamon, and mango.

[coughs]

Well...

You know,

It's starting to look A lot like los angeles

In here.

Drop dead.

[coughs]

Well,

I just might.

Are you aware of The health hazards

Of secondhand smoke?

Are you aware of The health hazards Of being a nerd?

Yo, yo.

Good one, dre. You know what's up, man.

Yes, dre.

I see reading the classics

Has really paid off.

You know what, guys?

I think it's time For a swirlie.

No, no, no!

Not a swirlie!

Please! No!

No! No! No! No!

No! No! No!

No! No! Please! Please!

Why not just pants me?

I have really embarrassing Underwear.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Stop!

Whoa!

No. Please, guys.

Oh, come on.

[toilet flushes]

Aah! Aah!

[bell rings]

Let's go!

Aghhh!

[doorbell rings]

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Captain savage.

What an unexpected, Yet pleasant surprise.

Yes, it is, Isn't it?

Boy, that's a snappy outfit You're wearing.

Chicks dig snappy.

So, what brings you by, sir?

My new porsche.

Oh.

Ooh.

She is a beaut, sir.

Yes, she is.

Hey, somebody's Stealing your hubcaps!

Shoot 'em!

Gotcha.

Never joke About a man's car.

So, winslow,

You still driving That gremlin?

I'm afraid so, sir.

One day I'll be able to afford A car like yours,

But I'm barely able to Redecorate my living room.

Too bad. It needs it.

Let me give you A little economics Lesson, winslow.

Guess how much I paid for That porsche?

Oh, I don't know.

60,000.

No.

That's how much It costs.

Guess how much I paid.

40,000?

Eh-eh-eh! Wrong.

I got it at A police auction.

I only paid $5,000.

Wh--

You mean no other cop Bid more than 5,000?

Not after I ordered them not to.

Boy, it's fun being me.

You get all sorts Of stuff cheap At police auctions,

Including furniture.

I never thought about that.

In a month There's another auction.

Check it out.

It's time for me to go,

According to My $4.00 rolex.

Well, thanks for The advice, sir.

Anytime. I'm full of it.

That you are, sir.

Oh ho ho ho!

Ohh.

That calculus exam Was a killer.

I thought I'd wear out the batteries On my calculator.

You had to use A calculator?

Uh-oh. Swirlie alert.

Let's go.

I'm not budging.

Steven q. Urkel Runs away from no man.

Roscoe, A word with you.

What do you want, Urkel?

Just to let you And that nimrod dre know

That your swirlie days With steven q. Urkel

Are over.

Man, get lost.

As you can see,

I've been Working out lately.

Ow!

I think I pulled something.

Well, Andre probably heard

And is wisely Laying low.

Urkel, man--

I know his type.

All flush And no action.

Andre hasn't been around

Because he's In the hospital.

He's got leukemia.

Did roscoe just say Andre had leukemia?

Yeah, he did.

Oh, I feel awful.

I said a lot Of bad things About andre,

But I never wanted anything Like this to happen.

Steve, Of course you didn't.

I've got to do something To cheer him up.

Stay.

[lock jiggles]

Harriette?

Is that you?

No.

It's oprah winfrey.

Well, wait, Wait, wait, wait.

Close your eyes.

I have a surprise For you.

Come on.

Come on.

Keep your eyes closed.

Come on.

Come on.

Okay.

Open 'em up.

Aah!

What's wrong?

Oh, my god.

What have you done?

I've redecorated.

Carl, where did All this stuff Come from?

The police auction.

Ooh, look at that rug!

There's A dead man on it!

That's no problem.

He just peels Right up.

See?

Oops.

You got all this stuff From a police auction?

Yeah.

Most of it belonged to Vinny "The rat" muscone.

But he's been put away For 10 years.

For what?

Bad taste?

O.K. So you're not Hot for the rug.

But, harriette, Take a look At this lamp.

You must admit, It's quite lovely.

Yeah. The bullet holes Are a nice touch.

Harriette, I got a great deal For this stuff.

Carl...

Are you telling me

This stuff was owned By robbers and murderers?

Of course not.

Some of it was owned By drug lords And hookers.

Get it out of here, Carl!

Harriette, it's nice.

- it's ugly. - it's eclectic.

It's ugly.

It's waterproof!

It's ugly!

Harriette, you haven't Heard the best part.

What would you say If I told you

That I only spent $312?

I'd say you got taken For 300 bucks.

Harriette, this was A great opportunity.

I saw it, and I seized it.

And you want to know why? Well, I'll tell you why.

Because I am mr. Action.

No offense, harriette,

But you are miss inaction.

You mull, you ponder, And you dawdle.

But I get things done,

Because carl otis winslow

Is mr. Action.

Okay...Mr. Action.

You can just sleep On this ugly sofa,

Because that's All the action

You going to be Getting.

[bell rings]

Step right up!

Students, teachers, Truants, and the like!

Sign up for The bone marrow drive

And save a life!

Hey, steve, How's it going?

So far, so good.

My routine appears To be dazzling them.

Hey, urkel, I thought Andre was doing better.

That's what I heard. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, but he really needs A bone marrow transplant.

Why don't they Give him one?

It's really hard Finding a match,

And andre's Best chance for one

Is with another African-american.

Unfortunately, Not enough of us Are registered.

Registered?

You have your blood Drawn and tested.

If you match a patient, They do some more tests.

Then, if it looks like You still match,

You're on your way To becoming a donor.

Well, I'll sign up.

Oh, that's so sweet, Sweetums,

But you have to be 18 or over.

But I see some seniors Out there.

Like the football team, For example.

Why, a lot of you Have to be 18,

19, 20, 21...

Why, we could Save his life.

I'm 18. I'll sign up.

Well, step right up!

Nice going, steve.

Oh, thanks, Pickle cheeks,

But this is just The beginning.

There's lots more To be done.

Alright. Step right up, everybody.

Sign up Or grab some info,

But get Your booties in gear Right over here.

[sighs]

Carl...

This furniture looks Better in the dark.

I thought you liked This stuff.

Well, I'm having Second thoughts.

You know, I think My good bargain

Overshadowed My better judgment.

Honey, look.

I know you were Trying to help.

But I wish you had Talked to me first.

Furniture is something We both have to live with.

We should have Decided together.

You're right, Sweetheart.

Tomorrow I'll go Get our old stuff

From eddie's Apartment.

Thank god you didn't Get rid of it.

You know, I've been thinking, Sweetheart.

Furniture Is very expensive.

So maybe we should Buy it a piece At a time.

Sounds like A plan to me.

Starting with A big-screen tv.

Or a nice couch.

Enough talk.

Let's, um...

Go upstairs--ahem...

Mr. Action.

Woof!

Stop it!

Stop it!

[toilet flushes]

What's the matter,

Haven't you ever seen a man Dry his hands before?

Hey, urkel.

I been looking For you, man.

Andre?

You're not still giving Swirlies, are you?

Nah.

I--I just came To thank you

For helping me find A bone marrow match.

Well, you're more Than welcome.

If it wasn't For the drive

Like the one You started, I...

I probably Wouldn't be here.

Well, I'm just glad I could help.

Man, there's something I got to ask you.

It's been bugging me For months.

Why would you lift A finger to help me?

I must have picked On you 100 times.

Actually, 132, If my journals Are up to date.

Yeah, so why would you Lift a finger to help me?

Because this is Bigger than pranks.

This is about Saving your life.

Besides, If you weren't around,

Who'd take My lunch money?

I've heard of people Talking about angels On earth,

But I guess mine Wears suspenders.

Oh, stop it, or I'll Get a swelled head.

There's something I got to do

To repay you.

I know. Why don't You give me a swirlie?

Tempting, But not my style.

Okay, Then I'll buy you lunch.

Oh, great.

Why, today is Pork on a stick.

You can even Sit at my table.

With all the tough guys And losers?

That's right.