Original subtitles

Hail! I'm here, My bodacious doe.

Hey, steve.

Want to know why I'm wearing this suit?

You're opening for cher?

Wrong-a-rooney.

You're looking at My latest invention--

The urkel magno suit.

Well, it's an improvement Over your regular look.

What does it do?

Glad you asked.

It's a crime-busting Device.

Now, let's say I'm walking down the street...

Minding my own business.

And some slime ball Jumps out of nowhere

Brandishing a gun.

Well, am I afraid?

No, sir.

I just turn on My urkel magno suit,

And the gun flies out of His hands and into mine.

[humming]

Ooh.

Ooh!

Wow! You're a human magnet. I'm impressed.

Oh, thanks. I got to show The big guy. Where's he hanging?

I think he's in The kitchen. Okay.

[metal crashing]

[screaming]

It needs work.

[clanking]

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

[television plays]

She should win "Miss bikini."

She has the prettiest face.

Face?

Eddie winslow, were you using My spatula again?

Yeah. I used it To kill a spider.

A spider? Will you relax?

I can't. You're always Using my stuff.

I am not.

Man, you wearin' my socks. Look. That does it.

From now on, No one takes anything Without asking.

We have to show each other More consideration and respect.

It's like aretha says--

R-u-s-p--

I mean, r-e-p...

R-I-p...

Just leave my stuff alone.

Now, ready?

Ooh!

Mmm. Stop that!

I'm just making sure They're the right temperature.

Shrimp always taste best When they're cold.

Carl, you're getting All wound up again.

Of course I'm wound up, Harriette.

Captain savage is bringing His girlfriend over For us to meet.

Oh, honey, I wouldn't worry.

He wouldn't bring her over here If he didn't like you.

But that captain savage, He's a crafty one.

He wants to see How I do under pressure.

He not gonna promote me, Harriette

Until he knows how I do Under pressure.

And I'm good under pressure, Aren't I, harriette?

Huh? Right? Huh? Right?

Oh, yeah. You're a rock.

Okay, I put the steak On the broiler,

Made the salad, And set the table.

Oh, thanks, honey. You want to stay for dinner?

Well, let's see.

Dinner with four Middle-aged adults

Or a date with A really cute guy.

Hmm. That's A tough decision.

Have a nice time.

I better go get ready.

[doorbell rings]

Oh. Okay.

Alright. Okay.

Captain.

Underling.

Well, come in, Come in. You've met harriette.

Hello, harriette. Hello, captain savage.

I'd like you two to meet A very special lady...

Lois keller.

I'm so glad to meet you, Mr. Lackey.

No, darling.

Let me explain this Again.

Winslow is Their last name.

Lackey is my Nickname for carl.

You have A lovely home.

How much did it cost?

Well, that's A little personal.

Tell her! 75,000.

Uh, lois,

For some reason, I feel like We've met before.

I don't think so.

I probably have One of those faces.

Oh. Mmm!

What's that wonderful Aroma wafting from The kitchen?

Ah. That's steak With scalloped potatoes.

Hmm. One of my favorites.

I like just about Everything.

Except shrimp. I hate shrimp.

Um...

This isn't real shrimp. Heh heh.

It's wax.

That is the most Delicious-looking cake I've ever seen.

Thanks. It's a double dutch Chocolate bavarian cream.

It's my midterm For pastry 101.

But this old stove Is so fussy

That baking this cake Was no piece of cake.

It doesn't matter, Waldo.

I'm sure you're going To get an "A".

Really?

I wonder what An "A" looks like.

I always get it confused With that letter From the alphabet.

Hey, after I help you Do your laundry, Let's go see a movie.

Cool. What do you wannasee?

Anything, As long as I'm with you.

Who's in that?

Let's just do Your laundry. Cool.

Hey. Hey.

Bye, guys. Later.

Man, shooting hoops Makes me hungry.

Me, too. I could eat A whole cheese wheel.

Hey.

Waldo baked a cake.

Well, you sure he won't mind If we have some?

Nah. He's always Whipping up stuff.

Well, in that case...

Shall I do the honors?

Ha ha!

Whoo.

Man. That was cake.

Heh!

Tell me about it. I had six slices.

You going to eat That last piece?

Nah. I don't want To be a pig.

Hee hee hee hee! A pig. Good one. Good one.

[sighs]

[steve] Hey, guys.

Guys, what's up? We're going to the movies.

But I want to check My midterm before we leave.

Midterm? Yeah, it's in the fridge.

I baked a luscious Double dutch chocolate Bavarian cream cake.

Heh. Heh heh.

Did you hear that, Steve?

Waldo baked a cake For his midterm.

Sure did. Sure did.

Ooh. I bet it tastes Fantastic.

Oh, safe bet. Safe bet.

I better check it Before we hit the movies.

Whoo! Whoo!

Uh, waldo, Before you go to the fridge,

I think there's something You should know. Ooh!

Why do I need to know-- Ooh?

What he meant to say is, Don't put butter On your popcorn.

It's all fat.

But what about my cake? Hey, I'll check on it.

Besides, you guys Don't want to miss The movie.

What are you Going to see?

Anything, as long as I'm with you.

I think it's foreign.

Max picked it out.

Don't ask.

Eddie, why didn't you Tell waldo the truth?

Are you crazy? You've seen how he acts When I take his stuff.

Now, eddo, We all know waldo

Isn't a nuclear physicist, But I'm willing to bet

He's going to notice The cake is missing!

No, he won't, Because tomorrow There's going to be

A double dutch chocolate Bavarian cream cake In that fridge,

And we're going to bake it.

[gasp]

No, sir.

No way in hades

Will I be a party To this deception.

I'll go to that Stupid polka festival With you.

Let's start Shakin' and bakin'.

So, how did you two Lovebirds meet?

Oh, it was in church One sunday.

I saw this angel, And it was her.

So I walked over To her. I said, "Excuse me, miss,

But did you step out of A stained glass window?"

How romantic.

Uh, harriette, I need your help In the kitchen.

Why?

Because we, uh, uh, uh...

We need more cookies!

Yeah, we'll go get Some more, uh, uh--

Yeah. Cookies?

And if we do this together, It'll give

These two lovebirds Time to smooch.

Oh! Good thinking, winslow.

Knock before you come back.

Carl, what on--

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

Harriette, I've finally Figured out where I've seen lois before.

Where? At the boom boom room.

She's a stripper.

Captain savage's girlfriend Is a stripper?

Yes.

I never forget a-- Face.

Harriette, I was Questioning a witness To a crime.

She came on stage, And I just happened to Glance in her direction

A few times.

Carl, what are you Going to do? Pretend it never Happened.

You can't captain savage Should know about this. You got to tell him.

Uh-uh. Captain savage is The kind of man who Kills the messenger.

He worships that woman. He thinks she's an angel.

I can't tell him His girlfriend Is out there going

Boom-da-da Boom-boom-boom.

Carl, if it were you, Wouldn't you want to know?

I--I--I... I don't know, harriette.

Uh--uh--

I think you're wrong On this one.

No, I'm not. I know what I'm talking about

You've got to trust me On this one, carl.

Okay, harriette.

But I have to go out there And tell that man

That his girlfriend Has a butterfly tattooed On her heinie.

I thought you just Glanced at her.

Well, I'm a cop.

I am cursed with An eye for detail.

So, winslow, What do you think of lois?

Oh, she's a fine woman, Sir. Fine woman.

Yeah. She's everything I ever wanted.

She's beautiful, kind, Sensitive,

And she can kill a deer With one arrow.

Well, those are Hard qualities to find, sir.

I know. That's why I ain't going to let her Get away.

I'm going to get down On my knees and beg her To marry me.

You are?

Uh--duh--sir, uh--

Heh heh. Can I be candid?

How candid?

Well--well, captain, It--it may be something

That might hurt you Very deeply.

Spit it out.

Well, captain, y--

Eehhh....

Captain, lois is a stripper At the boom boom room.

Yeah. She's the headliner.

Oh!

Heh. You know.

Of course. You got A problem with that?

Oh, well, I-- I--I--uh--

I can't believe How pompous And judgmental you are!

Oh, but I'm not-- She's an artiste.

My god, have you Ever seen her

Open a bottle of soda With her navel?

I haven't had The pleasure, sir.

Why didn't you tell me About this before?

I was going to surprise You and harriette with Two front-row seats

To the boom boom room Saturday night, But you blew it!

And to think I had High hopes for you.

Oh, but, sir, I'm sorry--

Save your energy. Because you're gonna need it

For foot patrol For two months!

Two months! Make it three! Lois!

Oh. Captain, this is all A misunderstanding.

Come on, we're leaving.

But I was learning About coffee.

Let's go.

What's the matter?

I'll tell you later.

I love your china.

How much did it cost?

Captain--

I guess you told him, Huh?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, I told him, Harriette.

I told him everything.

I didn't want to tell him,

But you made me tell him.

Carl, I--

"Trust me, carl."

"He'd want to know, Carl.

He'll thank you, Carl."

Well, he thanked me, Harriette.

He thanked me With three months Of foot patrol!

He knows that She's a stripper.

He likes the fact That she's a stripper.

He's probably Brought his mom To the club to meet her!

I'm sorry.

But you know something, Harriette?

There is A silver lining To all of this.

I'd love to hear it, Carl. Ooh!

I finally get To utter the words

That I have been waiting 20 long years to say.

What, carl?

Harriette...

[smacking lips]

You were wro-o-o-ong!

Oh, that felt so good.

[oven timer dings]

Aha. One beautiful cake Coming right up.

Mm-hmm.

Hey!

The oven's not hot. What gives?

[gasp]

Why--why, this thing Didn't cook at all.

Oh, man. Waldo said He was having trouble With that thing.

Wait a minute.

The gas has been on For 45 minutes.

Do you think That's a problem?

[whimpering]

Eddie, what happened To my oven?

We were making toast?

Listen, waldo.

We sort of accidentally Ate your cake.

You what?

And we tried To cover it up By baking another one.

This is the most--

The--the--the most--

Stupid thing We've ever done.

Exactly! I'm so--so--

Disappointed that We could be so underhanded.

And so--so--

So hurt That we did this Behind your back.

Yes!

Sorry I had to be So rough on you guys, but...

I had to get that out.

Well, I guess I better Call the landlord

And give him The good news.

And I'll start cleaning up.

Hold the pickles.

This isn't over Till the fat lady Takes a bath.

What?

I know what you guys Are thinking--

You can walk all over me Because you think I'm dumb.

Well, I have feelings, too.

If you cut me, Do I not cough?

If you hit me, Do I not sneeze?

And if you call me names, Do I not eat?

Oh, my god.

I actually understood that.

Me, too.

Look, waldo, I'm sorry.

I really messed up.

I've been A lousy roommate.

But from now on, I'm going to do better.

I care about you, waldo,

And I'm not going To take advantage of you Anymore.

Friends?

Well, I guess The fat lady Took her bath.

Come on.

Do it! Do it!

Okay. Hey.

You spilled some On my shoe.

Hmm? Oh.

Well, that was An accident.

Oh, really? Ha ha.

Well, I guess this Is an accident, too.

Well.

Now, speaking of Accidents...

[loud crack]

Oh! That's an accident.

Oh, so it's Like that, huh?

There you go, bro.

Ooh!

Of course you know This means war.

Ooh!

Wait a minute.

Do you realize We're acting like children?

Yeah.

You're right. Ditto.

We shouldn't be fighting With each other.

Let's get them.

Ha-hah!