Original subtitles

I can't believe I'm going

To the culinary Cook-off in skokie.

I guess dreams Do come true.

Waldo, if you Cook this dish,

You a shoo-in For first place.

Wow.

Me, waldo geraldo faldo,

A little nobody From nowhere

Winning the golden spatula.

It could happen. You're a great cook.

You know about These competitions.

It all depends on how I look in a bathing suit.

Hi-dee-ho, guys.

Hey, steve.

You all packed?

Yeah. Ready to go.

Do it! Do it!

Good luck In skokie, waldo.

Break an egg.

Thanks.

Have a good trip.

Yeah.

While I'm gone, no soaking your Socks in my crockpot.

Steve, thanks For picking up My dry cleaning.

I would've been Here sooner,

I got caught in traffic when I returned your videos.

Thanks, buddy.

By the way, you forgot To rewind again.

They yelled at me.

Oh, I'm sorry, steve.

You know, you're A great friend.

Gee, thanks, eddo.

Do it.

[doorbell rings]

Get that.

Hi, winslow. What's going on?

Hey, lyle, I'm just kickin' it,

Maxin' and relaxin',

Stylin' and profilin'.

Oh, howdy. Steve urkel here.

I'm not In college yet,

But when I get there, I hope my voice drops.

That's the least Of your problems.

Ha ha ha...Ha.

Well, so, winslow,

Thanks for Lending me your car.

My porsche is finally Out of the shop.

Anytime. I can Tell everybody

I lent my car to a Member of beta chi.

The president Of beta chi.

Ah...

Listen, winslow,

We're recruiting Some new frat members This semester.

Yes! I'd love to! Thank you!

Not so fast. The other members Have to meet you.

I'd invite you To one of Our parties,

But we're under A 30-day probation.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard about that.

In hindsight,

I believe that Inviting the dean's wife

Was a boo-boo.

If you guys Want to party,

You can use My place.

Really?

Well, let's see.

Well, okay, then.

It's on. Saturday night, 8:00.

We'll bring everything.

Including the girls.

Sounds great. I'll pop for A case of soda.

Soda? Ha.

Funny.

Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!

Pow! Pow pow! Pow!

Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!

Pow! Pow!

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside These gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

As you can see,

447 people have already Ordered this item,

So don't miss out.

Hello, hello.

I'd like to order The helmet

That roasts And dispenses peanuts.

Yes, yes.

Yes, it is a classic.

Ha ha ha. Yes.

The name is carl Otis winslow.

That's right.

Yes, the initials Spell "Cow."

Just charge it To my account.

Don't I get A free bag of peanuts With that order?

Okay, just checking.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Thank you. Bye.

Carl.

Did you order More junk from That tv shop-a-thon?

Junk?

Junk?

You call Hot roasted peanuts

Fresh out Of a football helmet Junk?

Yes, I do. I bet it'll break In less than a month.

It has a 30-day Money back guarantee.

If it breaks, I'll return it.

In the meantime, I get to use it For free.

[ding]

My cookies are ready.

Cookies?

Maybe I should order

The matching chicago bears Helmet cookie jar.

Hey, little g,

Let's watch Some cartoons.

Okay

Wait.

Look at that.

Item number 124,

A child's 10-speed Mountain bike.

Purple and black, With electric horn And water bottle.

Ooh! Ooh!

Man, that bike is phatt.

Yeah!

Order it.

What?

I don't have any money.

You don't need any. Do like your uncle carl.

Order the bike, Ride it for 30 days,

Then send it back.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Wow!

I'm having Such a great time.

Hey, beta chi Knows how to party.

That's my favorite Fraternity.

Beta chi guys Are so...

Hot.

Are you a member?

Uh...

All of the fraternities Have asked me to join,

But I'm leaning Toward this one.

Oooh!

Can I get you A soda?

Sure, baby.

Thanks.

Don't you be gone Too long.

I'm gonna get That soda.

Man...I'm gonna like Being a member Of this fraternity.

It's got it's...

Advantages.

Right, Right.

Alright!

Party!

Toga! Toga! Toga!

Toga! Hey! Don't call me freddy.

Don't call me marty.

Just call me Mr. Party hearty.

Hey, how's it going?

What's the haps?

Cool key ring.

Steve!

What are you Doing here?

Don't you remember What you said yesterday?

What?

Well, you said we were Really good friends,

And if my best bud Is having a party,

I'm gonna get down!

Well, get back up.

And why are you Wearing a toga?

Why aren't you?

Come to think of it,

Why isn't everyone?

Why, college frats Are infamous

For their boss Toga parties.

Steve,

Toga parties Went out of style Years ago.

Oh.

Well, a super cool Dude like me

Could bring them back Single-handedly.

[hot dance music plays]

Excuse me, eddo,

But I got a tingle To mingle.

Hey, babes,

Would one Of you lovelies

Like to trip The light fantastic?

Tango mano a womano?

Drop dead.

Hmm.

I'm probably Too much man for her.

Uh-oh!

Uh-oh!

Uh-oh-uh-oh.

Eat your heart out, hammer.

Let me show you How it's done.

You like that step?

Janet jackson, She stole it from me.

Uh-oh, I'm doing The butterfly.

Hey, lyle, Psst.

Cover me while I Spike the punchbowl.

Sure.

What is that?

My own special blend Of psyllium seeds

Mixed with mango And papaya juice.

Ain't nobody gonna be Stopped up tomorrow.

Listen up, everybody. Hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

I know what This party needs.

Yeah! Exactly!

What's that guy's Problem?

I don't know, man.

Steve is harmless. He's having his Own kind of fun.

Can't he have it Somewhere else?

Eddie,

You promised me A slow dance.

Please?

Take it easy, baby.

Your suffering's over.

Wait a minute.

I'm the one That got the soda.

Yeah, baby, But you see,

You get the next Two dances.

Oooh!

Alright, everybody.

It's time to polka!

[playing polka music]

Eddie, that guy Is more than a nerd.

He's king Of the nerds.

That's a little harsh.

Prince nerd maybe, but--

Listen up. Hanging with A guy like that

Can damage our rep.

What are you Saying, lyle?

Simple.

Either he leaves Or we leave...

Right now.

Aw, lyle--

Or maybe being A member of beta chi

Isn't that important To you.

Alright, everyone.

Now here's a classic

From morris polaski's White album.

What's wrong? I was just Starting to cook.

That's the problem, man.

You're cooking A little bit too much.

Some of The frat brothers

Don't think you fit in.

They want you to leave.

But this is your pad, Eddo,

Ergo your party.

I know you, eddo.

You will never yield To group pressure.

Right?

Look, I'm sorry, Steve, but...

I want you To leave, too.

I see.

I'm embarrassing you, Huh, eddo?

Well, don't worry.

I won't embarrass you Anymore, eddo.

I'll leave and I will Never come back.

Oh, no, It's the leftovers thief.

Hey, mom.

Hey, baby.

Sometimes I think you eat more Food since she moved out.

You guys are jealous because you Don't have my healthy appetite.

I guess, you had A healthy appetite

The time you ate A cookie magnet.

That's okay, son.

You're still a member Of this family.

Everything we have is yours With one exception.

I could use some extra cash.

That's the exception.

So how's the big man On campus?

For your information,

I've been asked To pledge beta chi.

Isn't beta chi That really cool fraternity

With all The good-looking guys?

Yup.

I wonder what they Want with you.

You better watch it,

Or I won't introduce you To any of them.

I'm really glad for you,

Getting into such A cool fraternity.

Thanks, laura.

And all it cost you Was your best friend.

So steve Told you, huh?

He didn't have to.

I could hear him sobbing

From his sensory Deprivation tank.

Look, laura,

I can't help What happened.

Steve is still In high school.

I'm in college now.

I'm into a whole new Social thing.

Steve wanted To tag along,

And I had to Cut the cord.

Look, eddie,

I know steve Is irritating,

But he has feelings Just like anybody else.

He's been a good friend To all of us.

Especially you, Eddie.

But, laura--

He idolizes you.

You remember that time

You broke your Tennis racket,

Then gave it to steve?

Yeah.

He bronzed that broken Tennis racket, eddie,

And he keeps it In his family's Safe deposit box.

Wow.

He acted like you had Given him gold.

Wow, for me?

Thanks eddo, you're The best bud I ever had.

He has everything You've ever given him.

Do you really want To write him off As a friend,

The one person In this whole world

That thinks That much of you?

[richie and little g Laughing]

Carl, thanks so much For picking me up.

I couldn't have made it Another step--

What the...

Who--who the--

Where...

Where--aah!

Halt!

Who goes there?

We go there.

And you... Come here.

Uh-oh.

Where did All of this stuff Come from?

The tv shop-a-thon.

What?

How did you pay for it?

We didn't have to Pay for it.

We put it on Uncle carl's account.

Little g.

I think I hear Your mother calling you.

I don't hear anything.

Listen...

Again.

Oh, yeah.

That's her.

Richie, sit down.

Honey, what you did Was wrong.

Yeah, I'm going to have To pay for all this stuff.

No, you're not.

I'm not?

Uh-uh. We'll do The same thing You're doing

With the Peanut helmet.

What's uncle carl doing With the peanut helmet?

He's going to use it For 30 days,

Then send it back.

That's what We're going to do

With these toys.

Richie,

You're old enough to learn An important lesson here.

Just because your Uncle carl goes out And does something

Doesn't mean that You have to be A bonehead, too.

Okay

Richie...

I was going To return the helmet

Only if it broke.

I can break This stuff.

That's not the point.

It's wrong to try To get something for free.

That's right, richie.

And I hope you learned Your lesson, young man.

I did.

Hey.

I learned A lesson, too.

What?

I learned to be Very careful

What I say when I'm around you.

Winslow,

Am I disturbing you?

Oh, no.

I was just studying.

Come on in.

You want some popcorn?

No, thanks. I just wanted To drop off this.

We voted last night. Congratulations.

You're in.

Oh. Great. Great. Uh...

This is really great.

You don't sound Like it's great.

Oh, no, I'm happy.

It's just That, uh...

I've been Feeling bad

About what happened At the party.

So jackson threw up On one of your neighbors.

We were just Having fun.

No, man.

I've been feeling bad About steve urkel.

The nerd? Who cares about him.

I care about him.

Steve's been my friend For a lot of years.

Earth to eddie. He's a loser.

A social leper.

A geek-meister.

Look,

Steve's always Been there for me.

Through happy times, Bad times,

He's been there.

Steve urkel Is loyal.

And when I really Think about it,

He's one of The best friends I've ever had.

That's very touching,

But steve urkel Is the exact opposite

Of everything beta chi Stands for.

You can either Hang with us...

Or nerds like steve.

Take your pick.

Well, that's An easy decision, lyle.

I thought so.

I'll hang with steve.

You'll regret this, Winslow.

Kiss my beta kappa...

Well, if it isn't Toga boy.

Oh, is that your face,

Or did your neck Throw up?

Steve, how long You been out here?

Long enough to...

Well...

I was going to Return...

All the things You've given me,

But I...

Ohh!

Oh, eddo, that Was beautiful!

Oh.

Steve, not here In the hallway.

Oh. Sorry.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Oh, eddo, that Was beautiful!

Steve, not in here Either, man.

Oh, yes.

[key in lock]

Ha ha. Hey, waldo.

Ha. How was skokie?

It was even more beautiful Than the postcards.

How'd you do In the cookoff?

Tee-hee!

Don't you mean "Ta-da"?

Oh. Cool.

You did it, man.

You won first place.

Hey, I know my way Around a stove.

Uh-oh.

What's wrong?

I left the stove on In skokie.

Waldo, can't you Just call?

Don't be stupid.

A stove can't Answer the phone.