Original subtitles

Hey.

Hey, hey.

Ahh. Heh heh.

Good thing This isn't thanksgiving.

I'd be flipping Turkeys by now!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hey.

What's going on?

With your big Job interview today,

We wanted you To have a power breakfast.

Thanks, guys. I'm starved!

So am I, But uncle carl Made us wait for you.

Mmm. This food Looks good!

Mmm. Smells good, Too.

Let's give it A new home.

Hi-dee-ho, winslows!

Great news. I'm a papa!

My roach eggs Just hatched.

[gasps]

Ooh, look!

They're eating The queen.

Eew. Ahh. Ugh.

Wait, wait.

Don't you want to Help me name 'em?

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside These gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

* gonna get My mushrooms now *

* doo-dah, doo-dah *

* gonna harvest them And how *

* all the doo-dah day *

* put 'em in some sauce *

* ooh, they'll taste So boss-- **

Urkel!

I thought I heard Singing down here.

Thank you, Vice principal mallet.

That's the first time Anyone's ever Called it singing.

[snorting]

What are you Doing here?

I'm working on My top-secret Science project.

Genetically engineered Mushrooms.

I call it Fungus delecti.

It's a mushroom That grows Its own gravy. See?

Uh-huh. How nice for you.

Are you aware Of my position

Regarding access To nonauthorized Areas?

Uh...I shouldn't Be down here?

Bingo!

We can't have every Tom, dick, and nerd boy

Waltzing around These basement corridors.

They're old, dank, And dusty.

Nobody ever Comes down here.

Morning.

Good morning. We have rules, And these rules--

Looney?

What are you Doing here, looney?

That's loo-nay.

It's french.

Alfred, you're out Of your janitor's Uniform.

Yeah, I overslept.

It's hard to hear Old mr. Rooster Way down here.

You slept here?

Intermittently.

I'm convinced This is where

Old dust balls Come to die.

Every time I dozed off,

One of the little devils Flew up my nose and--

Are you Out of your mind?

No.

What is this room, Anyway?

It's the school Bomb shelter.

Ka-plsssshh!

It's a leftover relic From the fifties...

Sort of like looney.

Say--

Hey, are you Living here?

Yeah.

What about Your apartment?

I moved out.

When?

Right after They put my furniture On the sidewalk.

Alfred, what's this All about?

Well, I took some Bad investment advice

And lost everything--

My home, my car,

My collection of Hummel figurines.

Ah. My wife Collects those.

One. How many Did you have?

I feel bad about Your misfortune.

Be out by tomorrow.

What? What?

The school Isn't zoned for Residential dwelling.

It would be a violation Of section 42b-5.

Reel in your rule book, Irwin.

This poor man Has no place to go.

I don't write The rules.

I merely memorize And enforce them.

If principal shimata Were here,

He'd cut him Some slack.

Oh, if principal Shimata was here!

I don't see him! Do you?

No!

Principal shimata?

He's not here.

But I am, And what I say goes.

Furthermore, Until you move out,

You're suspended.

You'd take away My mop?

Yes.

You go too far.

Uh, irwin...

A moment Of your time.

Let me paint you A picture.

You call the fuzz. Looney refuses To leave.

You've got s.W.A.T. Teams, tear gas, Battering rams,

And helicopters All live On the 6:00 news.

That's not good. What should I do?

I happen to live Next door to one of Chicago's finest--

Carl winslow, A superb human being And outstanding cop.

Give him a chance To talk to Mr. Looney.

I'm sure he can Work this out.

Okay, you have a few days, But don't get comfortable.

I got a pizza For looney.

That's loo-nay.

Oh!

Is that french?

Aah!

Let me guess. You didn't Get the job.

Are you kidding?

I didn't even Get an interview.

How come?

There were 3,000 People in line For 400 hotel jobs,

And they haven't Even built it yet!

Mom...

You're scaring me.

Laura,

I have been bringing Home a paycheck For 20 years,

And now, for The last six months,

Nothing.

It's so frustrating.

Mom, don't worry.

You'll find Something soon.

I hope so.

You will. You'll find a wonderful, Challenging job

That pays A lot of money.

That would Be great.

For both of us.

Then I won't Feel so guilty

When I hit you up For money.

I really appreciate You helping out Mr. Looney.

I really don't know How much help I can be.

Just remember.

Be gentle.

Mr. Looney is a sweet And sensitive man.

You'll never Take me alive, copper!

Now, take it easy, Alfred.

This is carl winslow. He's my friend.

He's here to help you.

Then he should Have the decency

To take his hat off In a gentleman's Bomb shelter.

See?

Uh...

Perhaps, um...

We can discuss Some housing Options.

You want to give me A house?

No.

You want to give me The money to buy a house?

No.

You want to give me Your house?

No!

Thanks for all the help, Mr. Housing options.

What is with This guy?

What do you mean?

Look, why don't you Sit down

And let us Work this out?

Alrighty.

Uh, now, mr. Looney--

That's loo-nay.

It's french.

I'm a direct descendant Of the marquis de-- Uh, no, don't!

It's okay. It's not heavy.

No, no, don't--

Okay.

Great.

The door just closed.

Yeah? So?

That door is warped.

Yeah...So?

We won't be able To open it.

Ohh.

Oh, pish tosh.

I'll just apply A little muskle Power.

[groaning]

Just a little turn.

Jumping jehosephat!

We're trapped.

[strangled voice] Anybody...

Yoo-hooey-hoo-ooh-ooh.

Nobody'll be able To hear you.

It's saturday.

Nobody's At the school,

Except For the vandals.

And they rarely help People in distress.

That's been My experience.

Well, they will find us By monday, right?

Tuesday. Monday's A holiday.

You know...

I could pop the hinges Off that door

With my tools.

Great! Why didn't You say so?

My tools are up In the gym.

That's why I didn't say so.

Let's try pulling The door open again.

Okay, and let's really Put our weight Into it.

You're far more Blessed in that area Than we are.

Okay!

Now...

It's mind Over matter.

We're going to Pull this baby Open.

Okay, guys.

On 3.

Alright.

1...

2...

Wait.

Should we pull on 3

Or wait Till we hear 3 And then pull?

Well, maybe it should Be 1, 2, 3, pull.

But do we pull On "Pull"

Or pull After "Pull"?

That's A good question.

Perhaps it should be 1, 2, 3, pull now.

Can we just do this?

He's grumpy.

Alright.

1...

2...

3...

Pull!

Well, call me kook-a-lu,

But I don't think That door's going to open.

I do not believe this.

I am stuck in a bomb shelter With kook-a-lu and a janitor.

No, no, this isn't A bomb shelter.

It's a looney bin.

That's loo-nay bin.

It's--

I know.

It's french.

I'm a direct descendant Of the marquis de-- Uh, no, don't!

Why are you returning That vacuum cleaner?

It worked for 10 minutes And then went kaplooey.

I'd like to return this, Please.

What?

This casserole dish. It's cracked.

Of course it's cracked.

Anything will crack If you abuse it.

Like a marriage.

You bust your hump For 23 long years,

And then You find your wife

In the arms of her Aerobics instructor.

They claim they were Just stretching, but--

Martin, martin, Martin...

Go home and rest,

And next week We'll talk about Reassignment.

Fine.

Sorry, folks.

The complaint Department Is closed.

Please come back Tomorrow.

I've been waiting Half an hour.

Uh, excuse me, Mr., uh...

"Waxman."

Yes?

I saw what Just happened here.

Martin's A wonderful man,

But the position Is stressful, Thankless, exhausting.

It's an absolutely Awful job.

Yeah.

Can I have it?

You really want it?

Yeah. Times are tough.

Besides, I've spent A lot of money here.

It's a way To get some of it back.

Excuse me!

Uh--

Yes, ma'am, Can I help you?

You people Cheated me.

This vacuum cleaner Is a piece of junk.

Calm down. If it's A piece of junk,

You'll get Your money back.

She will?

Oh!

After all, This store only Wants happy customers.

Now, did this Vacuum cleaner Ever work at all?

For a few minutes.

Then it's A manufacturer's Problem.

You see this 800 number Right here?

You call it, And they'll send you A replacement

Even faster Than we could.

Oh, thank you. You've been so helpful.

Oh, you are A wonderful employee.

This store Is lucky to have you.

Does this store Have me?

You have the job.

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Thank you, Mr. Waxman.

Don't thank me.

Thank your Mother-in-law.

Hi, estelle.

Hi, claude.

* I'm singin' in the rain *

* just singin' In the rain *

* what a glorious feeling *

* I'm happy again *

* I'll walk down the lane *

* with a happy refrain *

* just singin' *

* and singin' In the rain **

Now you sing something, Carl.

We've sung 14 songs.

Okay. Here's one going out From me to you.

* I have a gun *

* I just might Shoot you *

* if you don't stop *

* with the singing *

* no jury Will convict me **

That's reminiscent Of sondheim.

It's not sondheim!

It's winslow!

Now, please!

No more singing!

No more dancing!

Let's all Just sit quietly

For the next Three days!

[looney] * singin' in the-- **

I was thinking That if I--

Now, buck up, Big guy.

Yeah.

Let's make the best Of a bad situation.

At least When we get out,

We have homes To go to.

I'm not real welcome At mine,

But at least I have An airtight lease.

If mr. Looney can Put on a happy face After losing everything,

I think we can, too.

* just what makes That little ol' ant *

* think he can move A rubber tree plant? *

* everyone knows An ant can't *

* move a rubber tree Plant *

* but he's got high hopes *

* he's got high hopes *

* he's got high apple pie In the sky hopes *

* so anytime You're getting low *

* 'stead of letting go *

* just remember that ant *

* can't-- *

* oops, there goes Another rubber tree *

* oops, there goes Another rubber tree *

* oops, there goes Another rubber tree plant *

* ker-plop **

[knock knock knock]

Who is it?

"Who is it?" Who cares?

[eddie] Dad? Steve?

Are you In there?

Eddie, is that you?

Yeah. We got worried When you didn't Come home.

Laura said you were Talking to looney.

That's loo-nay!

It's french!

Are you guys okay?

Yeah, But the door's stuck.

Hang in there. I'll get The fire department.

Well...

It looks like we have A happy ending after all.

Yeah, for you guys.

No. For all of us.

Alfred, you're Coming home with me.

I am?

He is?

Yup. I'll talk To ma and pa urkel.

You can stay with us Until you get back On your feet.

What if they Say no?

Then I'll just stop Paying my rent.

Oh, thanks, steve.

You're a true friend.

Yeah, steve. That was Really nice of you.

Aw, cut it out, Guys.

I'm getting misty.

Well, what Are we going to do

Till the fire department Comes?

* I'm singin' in the rain *

* just singin' In the rain *

* what a glorious feeling *

* I'm happy again *

* I'll walk down the lane *

* with a happy refrain *

* just singin' *

* just singin' *

* in the rain **

Morning, carl. Breakfast club's here.

What?

Is that fresh java I smell?

Mmm mmm mmm!

Say, where's The theater section?

What'd you do with The science page?

It's not there.

Oh, here it is.

You going to Finish that doughnut?