Original subtitles

Previously On family matters...

By tomorrow night,

Steve urkel will become Stefan urquelle...Forever.

[ding]

Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.

Wake me, shake me, And break me,

But, baby, Don't forsake me.

You like This guy?

Girl, you are One sick puppy.

Woof.

Carl, honey,

Why don't you break down And get some glasses?

Too bad you Can't pull a stefan.

A what?

Well, stefan urquelle Doesn't need glasses,

But when he Was steve urkel,

He couldn't see Without them.

Sounds like What you need

Is a transformation Chamber.

No, mr. Winslow, Don't!

Ohh!

What have you done?

I rewired Your chamber,

And instead of cool, It's set on nerd.

Hi-diddley-dee,

It's me.

* it's a rare condition *

* in this day and age *

* to read any good news On the newspaper page *

* and love and tradition Of the grand design *

* some people say Is even harder to find *

* well, then, there must be Some magic clue *

* inside these gentle walls *

* 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams *

* real love burstin' Out of every seam *

* as days go by *

* it's the bigger love Of the family **

Hey, come on, All you guys And gals.

Let's grab hands And be best pals.

Good lord. He's a nerd.

Espousing camaraderie And human interaction Makes me a nerd?

Well, if so, Then I plead guilty.

Hee hee.

What did I just say?

Oh, no. I didn't shut off The machine in time.

He's half-nerd, Half-carl.

So does that make me a narl?

What the heck Was that?

Oh, sir, I'm so sorry.

This is all my fault. I feel like such a worm.

Would that be Phylum annelida--

Segmented worms With four Symmetrical bodies--

Or phylum nematode-- Worm-like animals

With a fluid-filled Chamber

That separate Their body walls From their insides?

Man, how'd you Learn all that?

I have no idea.

Stefan...

You've got to help me.

I can't live like this.

You've got to fix That machine!

Oh, oh, okay.

Look, give me some time.

Oh, gosh. I got To rewire the chamber.

It's going To take some time.

I have to buy Some parts.

Oh, here.

Take some Cash-a-roony

And fix it Soony.

Now I know It's not carl.

Give me About 24 hours.

I should have it Fixed by then.

Well, I better go Break this news flash To harriette.

Did I do that?

Hi-diddley-dee. It's me.

Hello, My little kitchen elf.

Hi, carl.

Oh, my.

What a Delicious-looking Confection.

Yeah, the church Is having a bake sale.

Oh, oh, And it's so purty.

Carl, that's A great impression Of steve.

Uh, sweetums...

What?

Brace yourself

'cause I have Terrible news.

What?

This isn't An impression.

I'm a nerd.

Carl, stop Talking like that. You're scaring me.

I wish I could.

And pull your pants Out of your armpits.

No way, baby,

'cause I'm stylin'.

Harriette, stop me, Please, harriette.

I can't stop this. Stop me.

Carl.

It's not funny anymore. Stop it!

I wish I could, Harriette,

But I can't.

I'm trying, But I can't.

I stepped into steve's Transformation chamber,

And I heard a lot Of neato, boss noises,

And I came out Like this.

I'm half carl, And I'm half nerd.

The trouble is, I don't know

When I'm going To be carl,

And I don't know When I'm going to be The ner-r-r-r-r-rd.

I want my husband back. Come on.

We're going over To stefan's,

And you're going to get Into that chamber right now.

No way, baby.

No can do!

You see,

The chamber's Hyper-angular Aluminum diodes

Have transmuted The hydraulic teflon Flange assembly.

Huh?

It's busted.

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

You scared me.

What's All the screaming?

Yeah. What's going on?

Hi-dee-ho, winslow Whippersnappers.

My offspring...

The fruits of my loins.

Why is He talking Like that?

He got into steve's Transformation Machine

And came out a nerd.

This is terrible. Is there anything We can do to help?

Rent me An accordion.

I feel a polka Coming on.

Carl--carl, Stop it.

You're scaring The kids.

Wait a minute. Wait.

I don't have time To polka.

I have to go to work.

After all, I...

I'm a cop.

I'm one Of chicago's finest.

Yeah.

I'm going to go catch Them bad guys.

I'm going to put on My shiny badge,

And my cop hat, And I'm going To go to work.

No! No!

I may look different On the outside,

But I still Have the same Cat-like reflexes

I've always had.

Watch.

Aww.

Ahh.

Ooh. Ahh.

Ooh. Ahh.

Ahh. Ooh.

Ooh.

See? Hee hee.

Oops.

Did I do that?

I did do that.

Goodbye.

Come here! Carl! Carl! Come here!

Hey, carl, How's it going?

Terrible.

I've spent more And more time Talking like this

And less and less time

Talking like this.

Oh, man.

The gene transformation Is accelerating.

Yeah.

I've been listening To the bulgarian Women's choir,

Ironing My underwear,

And I have This wild urge To eat cheese.

Have you finished Fixing the chamber?

Have you? Huh? Huh?

Not yet.

Oh, golly-gosh-darn.

Excuse My foul language.

[sighs]

My work on the chamber Is coming along slowly.

I may be cooler now,

But I'm not as smart As I used to be.

Well, obviously.

Your crystal Diotransformer Is put in backwards.

Hand me A number three Allen wrench.

Thanks, allen.

Okay, just stick it In there.

Hey!

What do you think

Of my new neato Sports strap?

Oh, it's phat.

Thanks.

Uh-oh.

What's wrong?

I've got An impulse

To name All the colors I bought.

Okay, fight that impulse.

Oh. Oh.

I'll try. I'll try, But--but--

But it's not going To be easy.

Carl, please.

I've been working At this all night.

That's why I have this Fashionable stubble.

It would really Help me out

If you could Just keep quiet.

Thank you.

* * * *

* * * *

* * * *

Carl.

* * * *

Carl!

Carl!

Why are you Driving me crazy?

I'm sorry.

Oh. Say...

Did you know

That you have a vein On your forehead

That's shaped Like the coast Of rhode island?

That's it. Go home.

But I-- Go home!

Go home! But I--

Go home!

Go home!

I don't have To take this.

I'm going home.

Hello, magnificent mother Of the lady I love.

I fixed the machine.

If you'd like carl back The way he was,

Tell me a time That would be convenient--

I'm here! I'm here!

Let's do it, And hurry.

I had to sleep With this man last night.

Yeah, I'm eager, too.

I've been denied My husbandly rights.

With a woman as beautiful As harriette,

That's a terrible loss.

That's right,

Because I'm been missin' Her kissin'.

Alright.

In you go.

Aah!

What's wrong?

It's dark in there.

Get in there. Get in.

[bell rings]

[alarm whoops]

[bell dings]

Carl?

Where am I?

What happened?

Carl, is that-- Is that really you?

I think so.

Look, carl. Harriette's wearing A new outfit.

Well, it looks expensive. How much does it cost?

He's back. He's back.

Carl, it's you. It's really you.

I never should've let you Get in that chamber.

That's for sure.

I just wanted To improve My eyesight.

That's what this Is about?

Carl, I begged you To get glasses.

I know. I was afraid of how They'd make me look.

I thought they'd Make me look old.

Instead the chamber Made me like steve.

Look, I'll get Glasses, harriet.

I don't care If I look old.

I need to be myself.

That's my guy.

Yeah...You're right.

So what if a person Needs glasses or they're Clumsy or short?

I mean, the fact is Everyone's different.

And it would be a boring world If we were all the same.

What's important is That you like yourself.

No...Love yourself, right?

Right!

Well said.

Yeah.

So how come I'm not Listening to myself?

You look very handsome, Stefan.

Thank you. And you look beautiful.

But there's something Wrong with your lips.

What?

They're not Touching mine.

My lips feel Much better now.

Would you like Your picture taken?

Certainly. But the film Hasn't been invented

That could fully capture This lady's loveliness.

Wow.

You have a brother?

Shall we?

I'll bring you Your photo right back.

You know, stefan, This has been A wonderful evening.

After dinner, I'm available to neck For six or seven hours.

That's a tempting offer, But there's something I have to tell you.

Oh?

Laura, your father Said something to me That really hit home.

He taught me that if You just be yourself

And you love yourself,

That others Will love you, too.

True love Is unconditional.

Well, that's true.

Laura, As stefan urquelle I'm cool...

Incredibly cool,

But I'm also artificial.

And I just can't live This lie anymore.

I have to change back To who I really am...

Steve urkel.

But, stefan, no. No, you don't.

Really. Um, Just listen...

Laura. Laura...

Just remember.

Even though I'm not real,

My love for you is.

Stefan, I don't understand.

I love you, too.

And if we both Love each other,

Then why can't we Be together?

Because I don't love me.

But--but see, We could work on that.

We could take some classes,

A few self-help tapes.

They're great during traffic.

You just pop one in and...

Laura, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

But it's just Not meant to be.

So when are you Going to do this?

There's nothing to do.

I didn't take My last stefan recharge.

It's just A matter of time.

How much time?

It's hard to say.

Several days Or several hours...

[as steve] Or any minute now.

Oh, no, not yet.

[as stefan] I'm sorry, my sweet, Sweet love.

I am sorry,

But this Is goodbye...

[as steve] Forever.

[as stefan] Now I Must leave before I draw Attention to myself.

I'm sorry.

Oh...

[stefan] Having champagne?

[steve] Ooh, party bubbles.

[stefan] Oh, lobster. Fine selection.

[steve] Watch out For the claw.

[steve] Um...Did I do that?

Oh, boy. You could break me In half.

Here's your photo.

Where's your Gentleman friend?

He's gone.

Oh, too bad.

He was a great guy.

[sighs]

Don't worry.

He'll be back.

Fletcher, you wait Right there, sugar.

I'll be right back.

Oh, ooh!

[bell rings]

Fletcher, I have A surprise for you.

Oh!

Bad dream?

No. It was so...Good!